She adopted him, then gave him up

[partgypsy]

Wow. I definitely know that I''m not cut out to be an adoptive mom, let alone for a child who is high needs. Sometimes your heart is in the right place, but your abilities/reserves/support is not.
I know it is to a miniscule degree what she experienced, but my husband and I had a similar wrenching experience with the dog we "adopted". We had adopted rescues before as puppies and totally believed in the "forever home" philosophy of taking an animal into own''s home. But adopting Chuck put a terrible strain on our family, our children, and our marriage. It never seriously entered my mind giving him up, until I had gotten to the point I was in tears realizing that it was breaking up my marriage. It was that bad.
I would have given Chuck to an another home, but there was no home for him, in the state he was at that time. We still have Chuck, he is loads better, but would I have adopted him if I had known what was going to happen? No. So never say never. And biological parents DO go through this. Parents have divorced over issues with children, families split up, children left to grandparents or other foster parents but it is usually not front page news, just a personal, private tragedy.

 

[princesss]

Alj,

I think, for me, the difference is that the mother in this case *chose* him. She knew that he''d been given up by his bio mom, and made a commitment to take care of him and love him. And, having had even more time to think about it, she did that. She tried really REALLY hard, and ultimately made a difficult decision to take care of him and love him by helping him find a home that was a better fit. And I think part of what bugs me is because it *is* so much like many foster situations, only those are generally assumed to be temporary and adoption is supposed to be forever. To me, that''s where the difference is.

As I think about this situation more, I''ve got a lot more empathy for this woman who really was trying to make sure this child is loved and taken care of. DiamondSeeker is right, I can''t imagine what this was like for her. I''m sure she''s in pain right now, and I take that as a sign that she did love and care for this child.

But at the same time, there is a part of me that wonders what she would have done if this were her biological child. What if one of her daughters had these problems? Would she have given that child up, and would we be expected to be as understanding? There isn''t supposed to be a difference between your adopted and your biological children - they''re all YOURS. But somehow that didn''t happen in this family. And it''s not something I understand, but it happened, and the only thing I can say for certain is that it makes me very, very sad.

 

[Sha]

Speaking as a counselor - children who are abused at a young age (especially at the time when they should be forming strong parental attachmetns) often have difficulty making attachments to other adults. The parental relationship, in which there's expected to be love and support and trust, is usually the basis on which the average child learns that it's okay to branch out and trust other people. They learn that other adults can be loved and trusted too. A child who's neglected/abused from a young age probably has never learnt that. He's learnt that the world is a rough place, and that he can't necessarily depend on or trust others with his welfare- or he might be hurt in the process. So he appears cold and withdrawn, where other children are expected to be engaged and loving and playful.

These attachment issues are pretty common with abused children. You're adopting a child with an often tragic past - and that past probably has affected their development in some signficant way. It can take a lot of patience and effort to work through some of the issues abused children carry with them (acting out behaviour, inability to trust others, form attachments, etc). I should think the adoption agency would have discussed some of these challenges with the adoptive family before the adoption went through. Maybe they did, but it doesn't sound as if the adoptive mother was prepared for how difficult bonding with the child would be. She sounded surprised when she talked about his reaction - when she looked into his eyes told him that that "she tried to be the best mother' etc, and then he just looked away and asked for some juice. Doesn't sound as if she was really prepared for dealing with his 'issues', IMO. Kind of sad.

I think this child needs a family who understands his issues and is prepared to devote the time and effort to work through them. He probably is going to be like this with every family, at least at the outset. What would it be like if every family who adopts him decides to give him backbecause they can't 'deal with it'??

 

[hlmr]

Date: 10/2/2009 6:57:32 PM
Author: Sha

I think this child needs a family who understands his issues and is prepared to devote the time and effort to work through them. He probably is going to be like this with every family, at least at the outset. What would it be like if every family who adopts him decides to give him backbecause they can''t ''deal with it''??

Sha, thanks for putting into words exactly what I have been thinking, but didn''t articulate earlier.

 

[HVVS]

What Mara, DS2006, and Sha said. The child could be permanently unable to bond with or love anyone and may stay that way for life. I bet there is more to the story than will be made public about what that kid is like at home, and how many consultants and professionals these parents have appealed to for help before making the decision to give him up. RAD kids can be dangers to themselves and others. If those adoptive parents learned that there was something seriously miswired with that adopted child, they did the correct and prudent thing by preserving the safety and quality of life of their biological children.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Date: 10/1/2009 7:54:09 PM
Author: FrekeChild

Date: 10/1/2009 4:38:03 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006
As a parent of an internationally adopted child and as the friend of others who have done so, I will have to say that unless you''ve been there, you really can''t make a valid judgement of this situation. Attachment disorder is devastating, and that results in many failed adoptions. Sometimes children come with damage that is unknown and that cannot be undone with any amount of love. I can only imagine waking every morning to a toddler who had smeared poop all over himself and the sheets and had eaten it. Truly, it would make the bonding difficult.

This family gave the boy a chance for a better life by bringing him here. They may have been a little naive to think they knew what they''d be getting into. But giving him up may have been the best thing. He clearly was not attached to them and he went to the home of an experienced adoptive family where the mother was also a psychologist. So it sounds like it all worked out for the very best to me.

DS,
We have been thinking about international adoption recently, and I''m interested in hearing about your experience. I know I''m not the only one...Perhaps I''ll start another thread shortly...

Freke, this is one of my favorite topics and I''d be happy to talk about it if you ever decide to post a thread! And I have advice to help avoid the situation this thread was about.

 

[princesss]

Date: 10/2/2009 9:02:13 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006

Date: 10/1/2009 7:54:09 PM

Author: FrekeChild

Date: 10/1/2009 4:38:03 PM

Author: diamondseeker2006

As a parent of an internationally adopted child and as the friend of others who have done so, I will have to say that unless you''ve been there, you really can''t make a valid judgement of this situation. Attachment disorder is devastating, and that results in many failed adoptions. Sometimes children come with damage that is unknown and that cannot be undone with any amount of love. I can only imagine waking every morning to a toddler who had smeared poop all over himself and the sheets and had eaten it. Truly, it would make the bonding difficult.


This family gave the boy a chance for a better life by bringing him here. They may have been a little naive to think they knew what they''d be getting into. But giving him up may have been the best thing. He clearly was not attached to them and he went to the home of an experienced adoptive family where the mother was also a psychologist. So it sounds like it all worked out for the very best to me.

DS,

We have been thinking about international adoption recently, and I''m interested in hearing about your experience. I know I''m not the only one...Perhaps I''ll start another thread shortly...

Freke, this is one of my favorite topics and I''d be happy to talk about it if you ever decide to post a thread! And I have advice to help avoid the situation this thread was about.

YAY! DS, I''m so excited that you''re going to post about this.

 

[Allison D.]

Date: 10/2/2009 4:43:21 PM
Author: princesss
Alj,

I think, for me, the difference is that the mother in this case *chose* him. She knew that he''d been given up by his bio mom, and made a commitment to take care of him and love him. And, having had even more time to think about it, she did that. She tried really REALLY hard, and ultimately made a difficult decision to take care of him and love him by helping him find a home that was a better fit. And I think part of what bugs me is because it *is* so much like many foster situations, only those are generally assumed to be temporary and adoption is supposed to be forever. To me, that''s where the difference is.

As I think about this situation more, I''ve got a lot more empathy for this woman who really was trying to make sure this child is loved and taken care of. DiamondSeeker is right, I can''t imagine what this was like for her. I''m sure she''s in pain right now, and I take that as a sign that she did love and care for this child.

But at the same time, there is a part of me that wonders what she would have done if this were her biological child. What if one of her daughters had these problems? Would she have given that child up, and would we be expected to be as understanding? There isn''t supposed to be a difference between your adopted and your biological children - they''re all YOURS. But somehow that didn''t happen in this family. And it''s not something I understand, but it happened, and the only thing I can say for certain is that it makes me very, very sad.

Princess, I fully agree with you that adoption is supposed to be forever. I get the sense that this woman went into it with the same premise.

However, she has realized that she is not equipped to meet his needs. That''s where she is now. Should she just ''tough it out'' in the name of keeping her commitment if that comes at child''s expense? Which is more important: keeping her commitment or making sure his needs are met? One could argue that it might be less selfish to make sure his needs are met, even if it means accepting what feels like a personal failure.

I don''t know the answer; just wondering aloud.

 

[Allison D.]

I find it interesting that everyone seems to universally agree that people wouldn''t surrender their biological children.

One state (I think it was Nevada?) put a ''safe haven'' law into effect sometime last year with the intention of giving mothers lawful places to surrender their biological children. It wasn''t until several folks tried to exercise this law with non-infants that the state realized it hadn''t put narrow enough parameters in the law.

I''m not sure I believe that most people would ''never'' turn over their biological children to someone else; if the opportunity existed to do so lawfully, I believe more people actually would. When you consider how many children today are being raised by their grandparents or other relatives, I think it''s more prevalent than we''d think. It''s just not as widely talked about or considered in the same way merely because it involves a willing family member and not a state agency.

 

[packrat]

Allison, I think it was Nebraska. The big papers here in Iowa and also the Omaha paper were overflowing with articles about all the kids brought in. The law didn''t specify age limits, so there were parents dropping off teenagers..15, 16 years old. Parents bringing 5 kids, and saying "No, we''re just leaving these 2" and walking out. It was horrible, reading these stories. Parents would be interviewed and some of the "reasons" basically turned out to be "They wouldn''t listen-I''m at my wits end". It was an amazing amount of older children too-it just broke my heart. The Human Services people were busy trying to figure out what the heck is going on w/families and parents that they were so willing to turn over their kids so readily. So sad.

 

[FrekeChild]

Alj, I think it depends on circumstances. I think that PSers in general are more...family and socially conscious. So HERE, as a microcosm, people wouldn''t, but elsewhere, you bet your @$$ they would. Depending on circumstances.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 10/5/2009 3:04:36 PM
Author: Allison D.

Date: 10/2/2009 4:43:21 PM
Author: princesss
Alj,

I think, for me, the difference is that the mother in this case *chose* him. She knew that he'd been given up by his bio mom, and made a commitment to take care of him and love him. And, having had even more time to think about it, she did that. She tried really REALLY hard, and ultimately made a difficult decision to take care of him and love him by helping him find a home that was a better fit. And I think part of what bugs me is because it *is* so much like many foster situations, only those are generally assumed to be temporary and adoption is supposed to be forever. To me, that's where the difference is.

As I think about this situation more, I've got a lot more empathy for this woman who really was trying to make sure this child is loved and taken care of. DiamondSeeker is right, I can't imagine what this was like for her. I'm sure she's in pain right now, and I take that as a sign that she did love and care for this child.

But at the same time, there is a part of me that wonders what she would have done if this were her biological child. What if one of her daughters had these problems? Would she have given that child up, and would we be expected to be as understanding? There isn't supposed to be a difference between your adopted and your biological children - they're all YOURS. But somehow that didn't happen in this family. And it's not something I understand, but it happened, and the only thing I can say for certain is that it makes me very, very sad.

Princess, I fully agree with you that adoption is supposed to be forever. I get the sense that this woman went into it with the same premise.

However, she has realized that she is not equipped to meet his needs. That's where she is now. Should she just 'tough it out' in the name of keeping her commitment if that comes at child's expense? Which is more important: keeping her commitment or making sure his needs are met? One could argue that it might be less selfish to make sure his needs are met, even if it means accepting what feels like a personal failure.

I don't know the answer; just wondering aloud.

This is exactly how I was thinking Allison. I may not have said it as well as you did. Won't be the first time, LOL.

But on a more serious note, I think she did what was best for the child. We can say she made the wrong decision, but ultimately if this kid is happy with his new family. That's all that matters.

I am praying he's making the adjustment and that he's doing well. Praying that he's bonded with his new family.

 

[tlh]

Date: 10/5/2009 3:11:42 PM
Author: Allison D.
I find it interesting that everyone seems to universally agree that people wouldn''t surrender their biological children.

One state (I think it was Nevada?) put a ''safe haven'' law into effect sometime last year with the intention of giving mothers lawful places to surrender their biological children. It wasn''t until several folks tried to exercise this law with non-infants that the state realized it hadn''t put narrow enough parameters in the law.

I''m not sure I believe that most people would ''never'' turn over their biological children to someone else; if the opportunity existed to do so lawfully, I believe more people actually would. When you consider how many children today are being raised by their grandparents or other relatives, I think it''s more prevalent than we''d think. It''s just not as widely talked about or considered in the same way merely because it involves a willing family member and not a state agency.

This is very true. Growing up I knew of TEN children who''se biological parents were out of the picture, and these children were being raised by their MATERNAL grandparents. So this is an issue, just not as widely discussed.

I will say though that I DID JUDGE these parents, even as a child. I couldn''t understand why the kids lived with their granparents ALL THE TIME. When I was really little (under the age of I would actually ask, where are your mom and dad? And the sad part was, THEY DID NOT KNOW. It was horribly sad. Granted, their granparents gave them a loving stable home... and after retiring one grandparent started working NIGHTs at Denny''s to bring in money to support their grandchildren... as this was an unplanned expense. It certainly didn''t make the grandparent''s lives very easy. But they agreed.

Now this child here is young, and has some issues. Maybe his chances are better in the United States. I only hope that this 2nd adoption was with a little more scrutiny so that he doesn''t get passed around as though he is in the foster care system. He was ADOPTED. I just find it sad that the reason they gave him up was due to attachment issues... as I don''t know if that can ever be acheived with his background. I''m not passing judgement, but I will keep him and his new family in my prayers.