She adopted him, then gave him up

[TravelingGal]

http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/33117703/ns/today-parenting_and_family/

Thoughts?

(For the record, my opinion is still forming as I am reading.)

 

[radiantquest]

I am not a mother so I am not sure that I can really have an opion here, but to me if she felt that the baby and her family along with herself wasn''t boding than maybe she did the right thing.

I think that of course she went through a whole lot with the adoption agency to give the child back, and then at the bottom it says that he is doing well with his new family so it seems to me that it was the right decision to make even though it seems harsh at first.

 

[cdt1101]

wow...tough one. I''m not one to judge, so I won''t. I really just feel for the child, because like someone commented in the story, what does this teach the little boy?? And will he ever truly be able to trust. It''s a heartbreaking story for sure.

 

[Ara Ann]

Wow...this is very hard. Thinking out loud here...

But, I guess you have to look at the bigger picture. This family adopted him and got him to the US. He could still be in an orphanage in South America if they hadn''t. I''m not sure that being given to another family would do permanent damage to the child...yes he may have issues as he gets older. However, for instance, kids of all ages are kept in foster care situations, some are adopted out, some are shuttled from home to home before either returning to their family or finding a permanent home...I realize this family adopted him and weren''t foster care parents, but are the end results for this boy going to be so different from those who have gone through foster care? The most important thing is that he is in a good home and he is loved and happy. I think she probably did the right thing for all involved.

 

[fieryred33143]

It seems to me that they ran into some parenting challenges as we all do being parents but instead of working through it like they would have with their biological children, they just gave this one up as if he were under some sort of warranty or 90 day return guarantee.

The positive side of this is that at least he was in a loving home for this period and not left abandoned and at least he is being given to another family and not thrown into a foster home. And its true, she didn''t "fail" him during his time there because she did love him.

But to just give him up...I don''t like it.

 

[Kaleigh]

This is soooooo tough.

Seems to me she was courageous in what she did. She tried very hard to bond with him, he wasn''t bonding with her. She gave him up so that he could have a better chance with another family.
It must have been a very difficult decision.

I pray that D adjusts to the new family and will be able to bond and have love for them. This story really breaks my heart.

 

[Novel]

I have really strong feelings about this so I''m not going to weigh in more than to say my heart goes out to everyone involved and g-d forbid anyone I love is ever in the circumstances to have to make a similar decision but if you''re looking for more on this, she wrote a blog on it for Motherlode on the NYTimes, here).

 

[janinegirly]

Tough one as everyone says. I''m with fiery though, once you adopt, it''s like it''s your own, and no matter what life throws you, none of us would give up our biological child, right? There are cases reported where biological children do not bond with their parents, and again, I think we''d all feel pretty clear in those cases (if that is the only issue going on).

 

[princesss]

Date: 10/1/2009 12:59:25 PM
Author: fiery
It seems to me that they ran into some parenting challenges as we all do being parents but instead of working through it like they would have with their biological children, they just gave this one up as if he were under some sort of warranty or 90 day return guarantee.

The positive side of this is that at least he was in a loving home for this period and not left abandoned and at least he is being given to another family and not thrown into a foster home. And its true, she didn''t ''fail'' him during his time there because she did love him.

But to just give him up...I don''t like it.

ITA. I kept thinking "What if this had been a biological child?" while I was reading it. There are numerous reasons children may not bond with a parent, and there is never a 100% guarantee that it''s going to be easy or that you will get a perfect child.

I just hope and pray the family D is with now keeps loving him and keeps trying, because family should be forever.

 

[HollyS]

If what she did, in finding this child a different home and family, was truly in the best interests of the child, then she is to be commended, not condemned.

The welfare of the child is paramount in these situations. Always.

And absolutely no one here on this forum could possibly know this mother''s heartache in dealing with this situation.

 

[Bia]

I''m torn

I don''t have kids, so I can''t speak on what it is to love your baby (biological or not). There are probably a lot of different factors to consider. What I was thinking though, maybe the baby, with the history he had, was going to need more time to form that special bond. Some children are more difficult than others...right?

It sounded like it got too hard for her so she decided (yes after much reflection/consideration) that by giving him to someone else she was giving the baby a better life. The problem I have is: that''s your son you''re giving away - the son you adopted, and promised to love and care for. What happens down the road? How will this affect him, knowing he wasn''t considered part of the family, but rather a stressor to that family. Many mothers have difficult children - children that don''t necessarily get along with the other kids in the family. Some mothers have a hard time bonding with those kids...but because they are biological they wouldn''t dream of putting the child up for adoption.

I don''t know. Maybe I''m totally off base, but it just doesn''t sit well with me. Ultimately the baby is with a family that wants him, so I guess that''s the best possible outcome in this case.

 

[geckodani]

I - wow. I don''t really know what to think.

On the one hand, I want to scream at her that D was not a stray dog to be taken back to the shelter or adopted out - she had committed to raising this child as her own. On the other hand, if his new parents truly love him more, accept him for who he is, and are prepared and willing to handle his psychological problems - then she did the right thing.

Oy.

Adoption is tricky. It truly is. I think that when a child is adopted into a family with biological children, it can sometimes be difficult for them all to bond. This is certainly not true in all cases, I''m sure, but it makes sense to me that it could be an issue.

D was the outsider among a family of biological girls. In his new home, he and his brother are both the "same" in the sense that they were adopted. I dunno. 5 biological sisters vs 1 also adopted brother, and with a father that is home and not deployed to boot. The more I lay it out... the more it seems like D is in a better home.

I think that making such a decision would be absolutely horrible to have to do. But I kinda feel like she did the best she could for him.

Some people aren''t cut out to adopt. This doesn''t make them bad people - although in this case it is extremely sad that she figured it out AFTER she had already adopted.

I couldn''t adopt. I know this about myself. Does this make me a bad person? Gee I hope not. That said, if I had already made the decision to do so, I can''t imagine giving that child away.

So basically now my opinion is running in circles.

 

[FrekeChild]

I don''t really know what to think.

Speaking strictly as an adopted child, I think that she did essentially what every biological mother does in the instance of adoption, she acted in the best interest of the child.

I...don''t know. But I don''t think I''m in any place to make a judgment. I think that she''ll live with this the rest of her life, wondering about this child and how his life, and her family''s lives would have been different if she kept him.

I wonder this often myself, as an adopted child, but everyday I thank my lucky stars for being put in the position I am in now.

 

[decodelighted]

I saw the mom on the Today Show this am. She seemed sincere and had previously written articles slamming other adoptive parents for doing this same thing - but now realizes its very different when you''re "in it". They had their other kids & family unit to think of as well as the best interests of "D". What a horrible situation all around. I hope he thrives in a different environment.

 

[geckodani]

This is a quote from the comments section on the blog. I have to say, I kinda agree.

"This is a very disturbing and terribly sad tale. As someone who works with foster kids, I’m really shocked that adoption professionals allowed this family to adopt a child.
Five small children and a husband who is frequently deployed? Add in a special needs child with potential language and attachment issues and you have a recipe for disaster."

 

[steph72276]

I just feel so sad for everyone involved. But I kept thinking also, what if this had been her biological son? Would she have given him away or just tried harder to work through the issues. Of course he is going to have "bonding issues". He was abused. Poor baby. I really hope he is doing well with the new parents and that he goes on to live a happy life.

 

[princesss]

Date: 10/1/2009 2:50:07 PM
Author: geckodani

This is a quote from the comments section on the blog. I have to say, I kinda agree.

''This is a very disturbing and terribly sad tale. As someone who works with foster kids, I’m really shocked that adoption professionals allowed this family to adopt a child.

Five small children and a husband who is frequently deployed? Add in a special needs child with potential language and attachment issues and you have a recipe for disaster.''

Good point.

I have to say, after calming down and thinking about other things for a while, ultimately I think this is probably better for D. And that''s what matters. But as somebody that dreams about adopting a child, it''s difficult to understand.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 10/1/2009 3:39:44 PM
Author: princesss

Date: 10/1/2009 2:50:07 PM
Author: geckodani


This is a quote from the comments section on the blog. I have to say, I kinda agree.

''This is a very disturbing and terribly sad tale. As someone who works with foster kids, I’m really shocked that adoption professionals allowed this family to adopt a child.


Five small children and a husband who is frequently deployed? Add in a special needs child with potential language and attachment issues and you have a recipe for disaster.''

Good point.

I have to say, after calming down and thinking about other things for a while, ultimately I think this is probably better for D. And that''s what matters. But as somebody that dreams about adopting a child, it''s difficult to understand.

That''s how I feel also. This is better for him. But I don''t see a difference between adoptive children and biological children. Once you adopt, that child is yours. You are his/her mommy. To give him up is just hard for me to understand.

 

[vespergirl]

Honestly, if she wasn''t capable of bonding with him, then it''s much better that baby D has a chance at a good life with another family. However, it seems like they should have worked on bonding before the adoption. Doesn''t it take some months to finalize an adoption?

Some of my neighbors adopted a little girl from Russia and then returned her - it was horrible. They had a 10 year old boy, and always wanted a girl, so they adopted an 8 year old girl. According to the neighbors, she was defiant, fought with them all the time, and told the family that she hated them. They ended up transferring her to a more experienced couple in Alaska who had raised 4 grown boys and always wanted a daughter. I hope that her new life in Alaska worked out.

I don''t know the woman from the story, so I can''t judge, but I do know that I didn''t think my neighbors were stellar parents, or people, so I wasn''t that surprised that they chose the easy way out and returned the little girl. I agree with the previous poster who said that the woman in the article should never have been able to adopt a special needs baby, since she already had a house full of small children and a husband who is frequently deployed. I think that a special needs baby would be difficult enough, and I can''t imagine having to spread yourself so thin between so many children.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 10/1/2009 2:50:07 PM
Author: geckodani

This is a quote from the comments section on the blog. I have to say, I kinda agree.

''This is a very disturbing and terribly sad tale. As someone who works with foster kids, I’m really shocked that adoption professionals allowed this family to adopt a child.

Five small children and a husband who is frequently deployed? Add in a special needs child with potential language and attachment issues and you have a recipe for disaster.''

Yes, I agree too. She shouldn''t have even have been a candidate for adoption.

 

[janinegirly]

I agree..if the argument is she should be commended for doing what it took to allow these kids to be with a "better" family based on the dynamics of her family, then why on earth did she decide it''d be a good idea to adopt in the first place?? Seeing your therapist beforehand doesn''t cut it.

 

[Ara Ann]

Again, I bring up the point, is he better off over all now, than he would have been had they not adopted him in the first place? Would he still be in an orphanage in South America? Or was the care and love he received in her care, over the 18 months spent in her home, better than it would have been otherwise?

What if his first adoption got him to the family he was truly supposed to be with? That's what the focus should be on now. She did what she did...and he is better off than he was before. It's not like she took him from an ideal situation and then gave him back. She rescued this boy from a very bad situation and he will now have a good life. That's what I take from this.

 

[Mara]

i also kept thinking ''what is this was your biological child''. they found him when he was about 1...who knows what kind of damage had already been inflicted mentally from the previous life. there have been good reasons on why they were not bonding together. if he is truly happier with the new family, the best thing was done for the child. biological children don''t have the OPTION to be given back and found a 2nd chance with a better home...though i bet some people look back on that later and wish they were.

IMO, it sounded like she had her own children and their family unit''s best interests at heart, should she have kept him to the detriment of her own marriage and potentially end with a broken home for her own biological children? she could have kept trying for another 6 months or a year and what if it simply was not working then?

my feelings are mixed on giving him back but if he did go to a better home than she could offer, then it seems like it worked out in the end.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

As a parent of an internationally adopted child and as the friend of others who have done so, I will have to say that unless you''ve been there, you really can''t make a valid judgement of this situation. Attachment disorder is devastating, and that results in many failed adoptions. Sometimes children come with damage that is unknown and that cannot be undone with any amount of love. I can only imagine waking every morning to a toddler who had smeared poop all over himself and the sheets and had eaten it. Truly, it would make the bonding difficult.

This family gave the boy a chance for a better life by bringing him here. They may have been a little naive to think they knew what they''d be getting into. But giving him up may have been the best thing. He clearly was not attached to them and he went to the home of an experienced adoptive family where the mother was also a psychologist. So it sounds like it all worked out for the very best to me.

 

[Delster]

There was a huge controversy over a similar situation over here a few years ago where a family gave a child up after an adoption didn''t work out. In the heel of the hunt the child went back to his birth family (in another country) and the courts here ordered the adoptive family to pay him a lump sum and to maintain him until he reached 18 years of age:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Tristan_Dowse

 

[packrat]

I read this thread and article this morning and it made me so sad I didn''t want to reply. My heart just was breaking for this little boy.

But...if she hadn''t adopted him in the first place, chances are he''d still be at the orphanage, and some of the things I''ve read about orphanages in other countries is scary and sad. If she hadn''t adopted him, he wouldn''t have had the chance to be with his new family where he seems to be doing well. I kind of feel like she was..I don''t know how to put it..the pit stop before finding his forever family? A means to a happy ending? Could just look at it like she took care of him until his forever family was ready to find him.

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 10/1/2009 4:38:03 PM
Author: diamondseeker2006
As a parent of an internationally adopted child and as the friend of others who have done so, I will have to say that unless you''ve been there, you really can''t make a valid judgement of this situation. Attachment disorder is devastating, and that results in many failed adoptions. Sometimes children come with damage that is unknown and that cannot be undone with any amount of love. I can only imagine waking every morning to a toddler who had smeared poop all over himself and the sheets and had eaten it. Truly, it would make the bonding difficult.

This family gave the boy a chance for a better life by bringing him here. They may have been a little naive to think they knew what they''d be getting into. But giving him up may have been the best thing. He clearly was not attached to them and he went to the home of an experienced adoptive family where the mother was also a psychologist. So it sounds like it all worked out for the very best to me.

DS,
We have been thinking about international adoption recently, and I''m interested in hearing about your experience. I know I''m not the only one...Perhaps I''ll start another thread shortly...

 

[packrat]

We've been talking about it too Freke! Someone, I forget who, posted a link in a thread in ATW to an adoption agency/info and it was really interesting to read about the different places.

ETA: Found it Kribbie posted it

 

[hlmr]

She had options. He had none.

I hope it works out for both of them.

 

[Allison D.]

Honestly, not sure what I think.

The side of me that loves the devil's advocate, though, wonders why it's laudable for a biological mother to offer her child for adoption when she realizes she can't meet his needs, but it's not OK for this mother (non-biological) to do the same? Why do we feel it's noble when a bio-mom gives up her baby because she feels it's in his best interests, but we don't feel the same when a non bio-mom does the same thing also with her child's best interest in mind?

Of course I realize the potential baggage it presents to the child; I've seen it firsthand because my sister was adopted. I can assure you there is often much baggage for children who were placed for adoption by their bio-moms, too. I guess I'd also argue that children who live in foster homes for a while are 'given away' more than once, too. Many come to feel very attached to their foster parents, only to be placed with different permanent families. Why is this different?

Is it because the adopting mother was held to a different standard? Is it not possible that she realized after much struggle and trying that she wasn't as equipped as she thought to handle it? (How is this different from a bio-mom who decides to keep her child at birth, only to offer him for adoption after a few months because she realizes she can't cut it?) Would it be somehow better for her to lie in the bed she made if that comes at the expense of the child?

I have to believe this wasn't her intended outcome, and I'm sure it was a wrenching choice to make. Having never been in her position myself, I don't think I could feel qualified or comfortable with judging whether or not her choice was sound.