Question for Moms who were on the fence about having kids.....

[dani13]

Date: 5/18/2010 3:46:18 PM
Author: LaurenThePartier
Jewelgal, you''ve got a ton of great advice in this thread. No one can make this decision for you, but if you''re putting too many obstacles in your way, they will stack up against you. Just make sure you''re honest with yourself and don''t have children for anyone but YOU and your needs/desires!


I''ve been a fence-sitter until about the last 6 months, and I completely identify with Mara''s & Bliss'' posts on their thought process to leaning toward the ''having kids'' position. I think DH and I would be happy with kids or without them, but I think we would be wonderful parents. I often think of my own family and tears spring to my eyes from all of the wonderful memories I share with those I call ''family''. My perception of the parent-child relationship speaks to me in a way that says ''joy'', and I would love to share that experience with the person I love most in my life.


Our approach is much like Mara and her DH. We figured we may as well try before we get too old (I''m 34, DH is 31). I can also relate to TGal''s advice to take it day by day. Coming to the decision to have kids was one we have mulled over for the last 4 years of our marriage, daily. I think we''re going to try and see what happens, and if it happens - great! If it doesn''t - well, that''s great, too!

This is how we feel too. If it happens, it happens

 

[Mara]

lol Ally...totally not offended at all, i know what you are saying. i am sure you remember for years i was either thinking 'i def don't want kids' or 'i don't really know if i want kids'. i was never someone who wanted to be a mom nor knew that i would be in the future. i really don't even like kids in general, aka have never been a 'kid person'. (though since having J i find myself cooing over other babies all the time!). it is interesting the thought process that one goes through for sure. i think part for me was seeing people i respect who are doing the kid/marriage/life/career thing so wonderfully and thinking...wow maybe i could do it too.

ditto dreamer on you are still the same person, but with a child. i really don't feel that much diff (umm besides my body which def feels more old and creaky than it did before the baby!) in terms of who i am inside...but now i have a tiny person who is totally reliant on me. it definitely makes you feel a bit humbled.

funny re: career minded...i am returning to work this week, and i really don't have the same mental drive for it right now. it will be interesting to see how that plays out for me.

and a big SQUEE to bliss for thinking i am a hot mama. my baby belly would beg to differ, but thanks anyway!

 

[Haven]

Dreamer, your post is very touching and I liked reading it very much. Thank you for sharing your experiences and thoughts.

 

[Cehrabehra]

I remember when we were newlyweds just enjoying the lazy weekend mornings so much and for a few years I had no desire to have anyone mess with that. After a point my husband and I came to the realization that we were both in a place where we wanted the joy of a child hopping into bed with us to cuddle... and it was great but after a while you just miss having that time to yourself again. And they grow older and eventually you have lazy sleep in mornings as your children get themselves cereal and watch cartoons or whatever... and then you miss the toddler that comes and jumps into your bed with you... there''s no perfect, so enjoy what you have while you have it and accept the changes as gracefully as you can

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 5/19/2010 1:27:31 AM
Author: Mara
lol Ally...totally not offended at all, i know what you are saying. i am sure you remember for years i was either thinking ''i def don''t want kids'' or ''i don''t really know if i want kids''. i was never someone who wanted to be a mom nor knew that i would be in the future. i really don''t even like kids in general, aka have never been a ''kid person''. (though since having J i find myself cooing over other babies all the time!). it is interesting the thought process that one goes through for sure. i think part for me was seeing people i respect who are doing the kid/marriage/life/career thing so wonderfully and thinking...wow maybe i could do it too.

ditto dreamer on you are still the same person, but with a child. i really don''t feel that much diff (umm besides my body which def feels more old and creaky than it did before the baby!) in terms of who i am inside...but now i have a tiny person who is totally reliant on me. it definitely makes you feel a bit humbled.

funny re: career minded...i am returning to work this week, and i really don''t have the same mental drive for it right now. it will be interesting to see how that plays out for me.

and a big SQUEE to bliss for thinking i am a hot mama. my baby belly would beg to differ, but thanks anyway!

too true

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 5/19/2010 11:03:18 AM
Author: Haven
Dreamer, your post is very touching and I liked reading it very much. Thank you for sharing your experiences and thoughts.

 

[Laila619]

My story is a little weird. DH and I started TTC in April '09. I had baby fever BIG time! The longer TTC took, the more I felt the baby fever. There was no medical reason whatsoever for why we couldn't conceive and it was frustrating. Fast forward to Feb. '10...I started to question whether I really wanted to have kids or not. I was so caught up in wanting to get *pregnant* that I didn't really think about how I would feel AFTER the pregnancy was over and I had an actual *baby*. I started thinking that life with just DH sounded really nice, and that I was very happy with our current lifestyle where we could afford to buy and do nice things, and always had time for each other. I even told DH that I wanted to stop TTC if the current cycle didn't work. I checked out a bunch of books on being childfree by choice from the library. Reading the PS mommies with newborns thread scared me. I didn't know if I wanted to put up with 2am feedings, lack of sleep, baby gear all over our formerly tidy house, no sex life, no time to travel or go out on romantic dates, etc.

Well, wouldn't you know it! That was the cycle I got pregnant. All the cycles that I wanted to be pregnant so badly, it didn't happen. The one where I was ambivalent, it did.

However, now I am SO SO thrilled and excited to be expecting.

I love this little tiny baby already. While I am still scared of all the changes to our lifestyle that are still to come, DH and I will figure it out together somehow.

 

[TravelingGal]

bahaha Ally! I''m totally not offended. Your post actually cracked me up because I find it funny that a person who never met me could have me pretty much pegged the real my IRL friends did.

I do think there are people out there who sincerely regret or hate being a parent. I don''t know why...maybe they were pushed into it, or maybe it wasn''t what they envisioned. I kind of see myself this way when I''m the mother of a teenager!

I''ve always been an accepting responsibility kinda gal...I make the mess, I deal with it. Not calling my daughter a mess by any means, but I did make her and now I just tackle raising her with the same diligence that I would anything I''m responsible for. And some days, it sucks. It really does. Some days there isn''t enough wine in my wine fridge to relax me. For the last week and a half, she''s been a major PITA since she''s been sick and I have bald patches, I''m sure. But then she was well again, and my sweet daugther was a joy to hang around once more. It outshines the trials and tribulations, that''s for sure.

I''ve had a couple PSers comment since I''ve had Amelia that if I could do it, then they think they can do it too. It could probably be construed as an insult

but honestly, I take it as the highest compliment that I could make anyone pause and consider the blessing that is having a child.

 

[allycat0303]

Mara, Travelingal,

I'm glad you gals aren't offended! It's just we've been on this forum for SO LONG, that some personalities definitely do come through. Mara, I remember when I was browsing one day and I saw your post on pregnent PSer's (you'd been quiet for a while) and I was like WHHHHAAAAAT??? Had you told me you had brought a 10 carat crater, I would not have been more surprised. And I'm still continually amazed that you could go from definitely not---> to being a mother. I remember you were definite in your mindset at the beginning so it was such a change!

And Travelingal...my first thought was, "how is she going to back pack through Austrailia with the baby?" and "she likes to experience expenisve dinners! The baby will cry." It's the kind of spontaneous/enjoying life/seeing and knowing things that I associate with you, so I couldn't see how a baby fit into all that. But you seem to manange it (at least you don't come across as regretful about having Amelia). And I don't think it's an insult that "if you can do it, I can too" It's because of the type of person you are. There are some women who would say, "ever since I've been 5 years old, I've known I want to be a mother" You know these women will make wonderful mothers. It's just reassuring to know that you don't HAVE to be born with that conviction in order to be a good mother.

Now all I need is Appletini (or Decodelighted) to say she's pregnant and I'll REALLY flip out.

All that being said, I think one of the biggest fears is *losing yourself*, or being so focused on my career that I choose my work over my child, and then I'm a BAD mom, ya know? That I'm going to give birth to a baby, toss the child at my husband and be disinterested. I think every woman wants to be a GOOD mother. We all know what a good mother IS, but many of us are unsure if we are able to make the sacrifices necessary to be a GOOD mother. For me that's where the fear lies.

 

[fieryred33143]

I wanted to address the “losing yourself” comment from a different perspective.

It happens and it happened to me. I did not TTC, my pregnancy was not planned. There were moments of happiness and excitement but for the most part I was indifferent to it all. And from pregnancy to date I have experienced a heightened level of depression and anxiety-two things that I’ve never experienced before in my life (well, except for the normal anxiety/depression people go through with something like an important interview/break-up etc.) My hormones just never bounced back and can’t without medication. These things happen to some mothers, not all, but the possibility is there.

What I’ve learned about change and babies as I’m pushing through all of these issues is that my daughter is worth it. The anxiety, depression, working 50+ hours a week, barely having time for myself, feeling exhausted-all of it is worth it. There’s something humbling about having a 10 hour stressful work day and coming home to read the same book you''ve read a hundred times before because it''s her favorite and she likes to point at every animal she sees on the page. Poking the bottom of a baby foot and getting a belly laugh reminds you how beautiful simplicity can truly be. It’s therapeutic.

Maybe it’s because of the joy that you feel that everyone has described. I don’t know…it just trumps all the bad stuff.

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 5/19/2010 5:32:46 PM
Author: fiery
I wanted to address the “losing yourself” comment from a different perspective.


It happens and it happened to me. I did not TTC, my pregnancy was not planned. There were moments of happiness and excitement but for the most part I was indifferent to it all. And from pregnancy to date I have experienced a heightened level of depression and anxiety-two things that I’ve never experienced before in my life (well, except for the normal anxiety/depression people go through with something like an important interview/break-up etc.) My hormones just never bounced back and can’t without medication. These things happen to some mothers, not all, but the possibility is there.


What I’ve learned about change and babies as I’m pushing through all of these issues is that my daughter is worth it. The anxiety, depression, working 50+ hours a week, barely having time for myself, feeling exhausted-all of it is worth it. There’s something humbling about having a 10 hour stressful work day and coming home to read the same book you''ve read a hundred times before because it''s her favorite and she likes to point at every animal she sees on the page. Poking the bottom of a baby foot and getting a belly laugh reminds you how beautiful simplicity can truly be. It’s therapeutic.


Maybe it’s because of the joy that you feel that everyone has described. I don’t know…it just trumps all the bad stuff.

fiery, your post made me tear up

it''s beautiful! We are just dipping our toes into the TTC world, and it''s so great to hear from someone who has "been there, done that". I think your love for your daughter always shines through your posts, and that''s a beautiful thing!

 

[jaysonsmom]

I''ve never been a fence-sitter, dh and I both love children, and probably would have adopted children if we weren''t able to naturally conceive. That being said, I want to dispel some misconceptions abeout having chidren.

1) That you don''t have time for yourself- Children sleep early...Dh and I have alone time every night after 9PM. We talk, watch movies together, cuddle.

2) You have to give up your career- Both dh and I have very good careers. We don''t see our kids for 8 hours of the day, but the rest of time we cherish every moment bonding with them over homework, dinner, playing with them and weekends are filled with family fun.

3) Children are needy, troublesome and dependent- Yes, for the first couple of years they do need the parents (or care-provider) to do everything for them, but I found that once they reach about 4, they can dress themselves, feed themselves, play with toys independently. As for trouble...all I can say is that if you set a good example for your kids they will learn to be disciplined children. I try to be loving, kind, gentle to everyone, so that they follow my lead.

4) You spend a lot of time shuttling them from activity to activity.-That is a personal choice. We do not have our 2 kids in numerous activities. My daughter takes piano, offered afterschool. My son plays soccer, and they both attend church with me on Sundays. It think that is sufficient. We LIKE to spend time with our kids, so we don''t cram up their lives with tons of individual activites. Dh and I bike with them, go ice-skating with them, take them to museums and aquariums, and amusement parks as a family. We never feel overwhelmed, and they are learning things from the time they spend with us.

5) Children drain your finances- Yes, you have to sacrifice some of your material desires to a certain degree, but the JOY you gain from a hug, a kiss, a little voice that tells you "you''re the best mom in the world" is SO much more fulfilling than getting that extra piece of jewelry or a designer bag.

 

[Bliss]

LOL! Mara! You had a rockin'' bod pre-pregnancy but then proceeded to go through pregnancy and come out the other side with an even better bod! Your butt is insane!!! It''s not fair! Sign me up for TONS of kids if I emerge with a butt like that! Is that a Zumba butt? It''s a perky little shelf! LOLOL! Definitely got me inspired! I''m soooo trying Zumba one of these days.

 

[Sha]

Date: 5/20/2010 8:58:25 PM
Author: jaysonsmom
I''ve never been a fence-sitter, dh and I both love children, and probably would have adopted children if we weren''t able to naturally conceive. That being said, I want to dispel some misconceptions abeout having chidren.

1) That you don''t have time for yourself- Children sleep early...Dh and I have alone time every night after 9PM. We talk, watch movies together, cuddle.

2) You have to give up your career- Both dh and I have very good careers. We don''t see our kids for 8 hours of the day, but the rest of time we cherish every moment bonding with them over homework, dinner, playing with them and weekends are filled with family fun.

3) Children are needy, troublesome and dependent- Yes, for the first couple of years they do need the parents (or care-provider) to do everything for them, but I found that once they reach about 4, they can dress themselves, feed themselves, play with toys independently. As for trouble...all I can say is that if you set a good example for your kids they will learn to be disciplined children. I try to be loving, kind, gentle to everyone, so that they follow my lead.

4) You spend a lot of time shuttling them from activity to activity.-That is a personal choice. We do not have our 2 kids in numerous activities. My daughter takes piano, offered afterschool. My son plays soccer, and they both attend church with me on Sundays. It think that is sufficient. We LIKE to spend time with our kids, so we don''t cram up their lives with tons of individual activites. Dh and I bike with them, go ice-skating with them, take them to museums and aquariums, and amusement parks as a family. We never feel overwhelmed, and they are learning things from the time they spend with us.

5) Children drain your finances- Yes, you have to sacrifice some of your material desires to a certain degree, but the JOY you gain from a hug, a kiss, a little voice that tells you ''you''re the best mom in the world'' is SO much more fulfilling than getting that extra piece of jewelry or a designer bag.

Ditto! Totally agree on all the points posted here.

 

[geckodani]

Date: 5/15/2010 11:24:14 PM
Author: TravelingGal
Jewelgal, the best advice I can give you about having a kid from conception to birth and beyond is this:

Day. By. Day.

The questions you are are daunting for every prospective mother and for many mothers who are actually in the thick of things. We all wonder about stability, who will take care of the kid, etc etc. Sometimes I let my mind worry about Amelia and school. Bullies. Teen pregancy. What she will do for a living. Marriage. The list goes on and on.

When I think of these things, my heart pounds and I don't know if I can handle it. I thought about the things you mentioned before I had a kid, and it was daunting.

But I know what I can handle. I can always handle today.

You have to take life in small chunks otherwise the paralysis is overwhelming. I was on the fence for a long long time. So one day, I was ovulating. Could we handle having sex that day? Yup. Two weeks later, I was pregnant. I cried my guts out for half hour, but I could handle it. I could handle the first appointment with the doc. And on it went from there.

Could I handle leaving Amelia with a nanny for the first time? The thought made me ill, but the day came and I thought, if I can just get through the first hour. And I did. The list on that kind of stuff goes on and on.

What I'm saying is that while parenting is daunting, it IS doable, and even enjoyable if you can just focus on the here and now.

As for peace and simplicity...well, as a toddler mom, I will say that's gone out the window. If you value that highly, then definitely think about staying childless. Speaking only for myself, I will say that having a kid brought me something that I think few people REALLY have until they become parents. People can be happy, fulfilled, satisfied, challenged, content, and so many more things without ever having children. But my child brought me JOY. Deep, bursting, achingly pure, boundless, soul consuming joy.

TGal, I just teared up at my desk.

ETA: And then Bliss made me crack up, Hah!

 

[littlelysser]

Date: 5/19/2010 2:50:22 PM
Author: TravelingGal

I''ve had a couple PSers comment since I''ve had Amelia that if I could do it, then they think they can do it too. It could probably be construed as an insult

but honestly, I take it as the highest compliment that I could make anyone pause and consider the blessing that is having a child.

Although of course there were many factors that went into my total change of heart from NO KID NO NO NO, to beginning to really think about having a child was your experience with Amelia.

After much discussion and consternation, DH and I eventually decided to TTC and have a wonderful, amazing son who is the light of my life. I really and truly cannot imagine my life without him...So I think I owe you a thanks for sharing your story.