Proposal & Engagement ring not what I expected or wanted ?

[Jamester12]

Ok, so to start off, my man & I have been together a year as of August 2012 & he is currently away at Basic training for the Army. Back in September of this year, we flew to England for my cousin's wedding. He had known about the trip since January & I had purchased the plane tickets for our trip. A couple of weeks before we were scheduled to leave, I reminded him he needed to have money saved up because I could not afford to pick up the tab for the entire trip for both of us. He started doing a lot of side jobs apart from his regular job to have some extra money. The trip went off without a hitch and was a lot of fun. Our last day in England, we toured London. We spent all day sightseeing, taking tour buses, walking, etc.

So needless to say, by the end of the day I was tired, had blisters on my feet, & was ready to go back to my relatives house to get some sleep before our flight in the morning (grumpy is probably the best term to define my mood). Before we headed back to the train, he was VERY insistent on us heading to Piccadilly Square to see it lit up at night. After I tried to convince him I didn't want to go, I could see the disappointment on his face so I went anyways.

We were there just standing around & I made a joke about the two of us not being official (I can't really remember what we were talking about). Then he pulls out a red box from his jacket & says, "Maybe this will do." He opened the box & It was a ring. I was completely shocked. I didn't get a speech and he asked "do I have to get down on one knee?"
I told him "yes, you're supposed to" ... so he dropped down on his knee, asked if I would marry him, & then popped right back up. i was completely in shock & said yes as I was crying. There were loads of people around which made the scenario not so private & no one even notice he had proposed.

Well, it is now 2 months after the proposal & when people have asked how we got Engaged, he or I will say he did it in London. People say, "Oh wow, how romantic!" But if they knew the details, it really wasn't romantic at all. & I really hate how it happened because it wasn't romantic, it was just surprising.

To make matters worse, I do not care for my ring. The diamond is from a ring that was his mothers (from a FAILED marriage --isn't that tabu?) & I feel like it is small for my hands (I don't know diamond sizes). On top of that, he had the band made for it cost him $300.
I know he was having a lot of financial issues & I recently have helped him get it all under control. But I wish he would have waited to buy me a ring that was nicer or at least my taste. We had never even looked at rings before.

I probably sounds like such a snob, but I feel that an engagement ring should make you feel special. I do not wear a lot of jewelry & I think that is partly why I think a ring should be dazzling. I am not expecting something extravagant, but I do feel that an engagement ring should cost at least $1,000 and be similar to the womans taste.

He won't be home til April of 2013 & we are planning to get married in October 2013. But I really do not want to wear this ring for an entire year because it is not my taste at all. He says that he has a 'wrap' planned out for the wedding band, but I am not sure how I feel about it.

Does anyone have any advice? Should i just go out & upgrade my ring on my own? I don't want to be stuck with something that doesnt make me happy, especially if it's lifelong.
Here is a link to my ring **edited by moderator. please upload photos to forum directly per our policy**

 

[Sakuracherry]

Re: Proposal & Engagement ring not what I expected or wanted

I'm sorry that you don't love your ring. Maybe your fiancé really loves you and wanted to ask you to marry him so bad. I hope later you'll just be happy about the fact that he wanted to propose. My first e-ring came from a failed marriage and it bothered me. My husband and I ended up getting a new one as we're more financially stable now. I just looked at your ring. It's classic and beautiful. Don't complain to him about the size of diamond, but you can politely tell him that you'd like to reset the stone into a different setting you love. In the future, you can ask him to upgrade your diamond.

 

[pandabee]

Re: Proposal & Engagement ring not what I expected or wanted

Welcome! I'm sorry you felt that the proposal wasn't what you wanted. Had you guys at least discussed marriage beforehand? And it was not the actual proposal that wasn't as romantic as you hoped? fwiw, I think your ring is beautiful. It may feel taboo but I think maybe you can reinvent that rinf's story! As a sidenote though, the site does not allow links to personal pages (i.e. your facebook) so you may want to remove your link and reupload the picture here if you want to post it.

 

[AprilBaby]

Re: Proposal & Engagement ring not what I expected or wanted

I can't see your ring but I think you should wear it for a bit and upgrade later . Use that diamond to make a pair of earrings. Sounds like he doesn't have much money right now but really wants to marry you.

 

[Rhea]

Re: Proposal & Engagement ring not what I expected or wanted

I live in London. Doing private things in public like that would not be romantic here. I cannot imagine that they would be in any major city. Big cities are crowded, and no one pays attention to anyone, people just get on with their own business.

It sounds like the guy really wants to marry you, and that's romantic! I'd focus on that. He worked hard to get your a token of his affection for your engagement. You don't have to wear it forever, I don't wear my ring, but I wouldn't upgrade on my own without his input. If you want, buy a blingy wedding band that you can't wear with the ring that he's chosen and fade your engagement ring out of the picture, or buy a ring for yourself to wear on your right hand.

I think you'll find that most of us don't have fairy tale romantic proposal stories. I think that in time the ring and engagement story will become less important to you and you'll just get another or forget about it. As far as a ring from a marriage that ended being tabu, that's up to you guys. I don't agree with that, we never know what life and stones or metal had beforehand, but if you feel it is, tell him that and see where you can go from there.

 

[maebelle]

Re: Proposal & Engagement ring not what I expected or wanted

"Romantic" is all in the telling of the story, even to yourself! Re-frame the story in your mind. He worked his butt off to make sure he could come with you to a foreign country and propose after spending the day having a fun day sight seeing Other people will melt!

For example: My husband proposed on the beach near my families vacation house.

It was evening and cold and windy(so no good pics of us right after), he mistimed when the sun was going down so we were walking home after in the dark, with mosquitos.

But what I remember best (and tell people exuberantly) is that we went for a walk on the beach in one of my favorite places in the world, he got down on one knee, and I jumped up and down like a little kid and apparently interrupted him.

ALL in the telling!

 

[Enerchi]

Re: Proposal & Engagement ring not what I expected or wanted

I love how Maebelle said it - its all in the telling and reframing in your mind!

Your wonderful fiance took extra shifts to save up to surprise you and cap off a wonderful family filled vacation, and proposed in one of the most iconic spots in the world!! I'd spin that as the focus and not so much that no one saw or cared or that your feet hurt... but more, the love he has for you and wanting to make you his wife!

Where you are now in your financial lives, will not always be where you will remain. Time and circumstances will shift and you can upgrade later. The issue with the diamond... I'm not sure about that. Probably very VERY few of us actually know the immediate history of the diamonds we are wearing. I wouldn't get hung up on that too much, but I do remember there are 'cleansing rituals' for cleaning out energies of stones that people use for healing. I think googling that will come up with an answer. It seems to me, sitting the stone in rock salt in the sun (or is it moon?) light was a generic 'cleansing' ritual. Google will be your best bet!!

I wish you a lifetime of love and happiness and enjoy this ring for now --- you can upgrade and keep this as a new family heirloom to pass along in the future! Good luck!

 

[DNB]

Re: Proposal & Engagement ring not what I expected or wanted

I've been married 31 years. My DH bought what he could afford at the time. We upgraded at 25 years. I like my rings, but I love my DH more. I was so thrilled to be engaged to him, it didn't matter what the size of the ring was. In my opinion, the man and the fact you're engaged is supposed to make you feel special. The ring is just a symbol. He obviously worked hard to do what he could afford. I also don't buy into diamonds from divorces being bad luck or anything. Many diamonds are recycled all the time and reset. A lot of diamonds people buy aren't brand new. They may have been polished or even recut.

I'm not sure what your issue was about the proposal. He did it somewhere he thought was romantic. You seemed to want privacy but at the same time wanted people to notice. Our proposal story wasn't all that great. DH redid it for our 25th with the new ring. Very few people have truly romantic, perfect proposal stories. TV and movie proposals aren't reality by a long shot.

 

[junebug17]

Re: Proposal & Engagement ring not what I expected or wanted

I think it's pretty common for women to be a bit underwhelmed by their proposal. I would try to focus on the positives - he picked what he thought was a great place for a proposal and getting engaged in London is pretty cool! He took on extra jobs to go on this trip. Focus on how much he loves you and how much he wants to marry you. Asking someone to marry you is a very big deal, no matter where it takes place.

As for the ring, I think I'd just wear it for a while and then upgrade when finances allow. Sounds like he doesn't have a lot of money right now. I couldn't see your ring but others have said it's very pretty - I hope you post another pic!

As far as the history of the stone is concerned, not sure what to tell you about that. Things like that don't bother me, but if it's truly bothering you and you can't get past it, then I guess you'll need to talk to him about it.

I've been married for 28 years and to be honest the whole memory of the proposal has faded over time. I know it seems really important right now, but as time goes by and married life takes off it just doesn't seem to matter as much. And my ring was .33 carats and we upgraded when we could comfortably afford it. I'm not trying to minimize how you are feeling right now, just trying to point out that sometimes things just don't go quite as planned but the key is to try to make the best of it and look on the bright side.

Now, having said all that, I'm a little concerned that if you can't get over your disappointment it might lead to resentment towards your fiancé and that's not good. Give yourself some time, try to focus on all of the good things, but if you can't maybe you should talk to your fiancé when he returns home. There's not much he can do about the proposal, but maybe you guys could figure out something about the ring. It would be great if you could get over your disappointment, but if you truly can't you should let him know how you feel. Communication is really important and I believe couples should be able to discuss how they feel with each other.

Sorry your engagement wasn't a happy time for you and I hope you feel better about everything soon!

 

[audball]

Re: Proposal & Engagement ring not what I expected or wanted

I viewed the link before the mods removed it. It was still in my history so I went back and took a screen shot. Here is a picture of the ring she originally linked to.

 

[Rhea]

Re: Proposal & Engagement ring not what I expected or wanted

That's a pretty ring! From what you were saying about it I thought it was going to be a yellow gold marquise or pear shape with lots of small diamonds around it. You know, the type of ring where you actually need a wrap as a wedding band because nothing sits with it.

 

[sweetpea&babycorn]

Re: Proposal & Engagement ring not what I expected or wanted

I would echo what everyone on this thread has said so far. You said yes for a reason, and I'm sure it had nothing to do with the ring! Please focus on why you said yes and why you were in tears. It's clear you love this man, and I hope that you can be excited about marrying him and starting a permanent life with him.

I know there is so much delicious bling on this website, but MANY started off with very small rings. Check out this thread: [URL='https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/from-twist-tie-to-1-33ct-oec-the-evolution-of-my-wedding-set.118447/']https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/from-twist-tie-to-1-33ct-oec-the-evolution-of-my-wedding-set.118447/[/URL]
it's a super cute story, with a very happy ending!

And FWIW, I think your ring is beautiful and timeless.

 

[gem_anemone]

Re: Proposal & Engagement ring not what I expected or wanted

Since you seem to be upset about the money aspect of it, it might help to go and get your ring appraised. Then you can see the actual worth of the ring. I'm sure it's more than $1000. Just because your fiance only spent $300 on it doesn't mean it wasn't worth that much. He even went out of his way to obtain a bigger diamond then I'm guessing he wouldn't otherwise have been able to afford. I wouldn't say you sound like a snob, but I do think you kind of sound unappreciative of his efforts.

You also had mentioned that you wanted to make sure he was saving money for the trip you two went on and that you were helping him out with his fiances. Between that and the ring you seem really annoyed with him about his financial situation, yet you want him to spend more than he can afford. I don't get it? Unless there is more to the story than what you've said (like he has expensive hobbies or spends too much money on himself) it seems to me like he is doing the best he can (working extra jobs etc). I think you should give the guy a break and focus more on the fact that you two are getting married and that he is romantic to propose to you in England and that he went out of his way to get you something beautiful! When my husband and I got engaged I was so elated that I am not sure I would have been able to feel sad over the ring unless it was completely hideous. FWIW I think your ring is beautiful and timeless and it is not small. Others have had good suggestions about resets and blingy wedding bands. I say if you go in that direction just make sure your fiance is on board and not do something behind his back while he is away. I can see him coming home to you with a new ring and I can assure you he would be offended.

 

[LibbyLA]

Re: Proposal & Engagement ring not what I expected or wanted

It's a beautiful classic six-prong solitaire, which opens the door for just about any wedding ring you might choose because a classic solitaire goes with almost anything.

I agree with those who are suggesting that you reframe the proposal. Years from now, the proposal won't be all that important in the grand scheme of things. I think it's pretty neat the way he planned it.

liz

 

[Chewbacca]

Re: Proposal & Engagement ring not what I expected or wanted

There is lots of great advice here! I would like to echo the reframing sentiment - very sensible/smart thinking Maebelle! I also think that your ring is classic and beautiful, and if you so choose, a great jumping off point.

Please drop back in and let us know how you are going!

 

[mandasand]

Re: Proposal & Engagement ring not what I expected or wanted

When I was reading your story I actually thought it was really sweet. Maybe he didn't have all the right words, but I still think it's romantic.

Military guys don't make much money, especially early in their careers and especially if they are enlisted. So you have to be mindful of that. I think your ring is pretty. And even though your MILs diamond was from a failed marriage, it still meant something to them for you to have it and make new memories together. Perhaps you don't like the setting...that can easily be fixed. When he returns, gently suggest that you'd like to have the diamond reset in a style that is more "you," maybe a halo or diamonds on the band. That is a easy and cost effective change.

I also want to share something with you. My boyfriend is an 18 year veteran in the Air Force as a cop. He's been deployed 15 times and pretty much lives in the middle east. It's a very difficult life to be with someone in the military. I cannot tell you how honored and proud I am to be with my hero, but you have to be a strong and independent woman to be with a military man. I have confidence in you that you will be able to be his hero at home while he's away defending our freedom.

 

[tuffyluvr]

Re: Proposal & Engagement ring not what I expected or wanted

I'm sorry you're not loving your ring It's very classic and I think it looks pretty on your hand. Wouldn't we all love a big, dreamy sparkler??? Reality is, most can't afford it--especially if you're young and he just got out of some financial difficulties. Because you mentioned that, I think it was quite a smart choice not to go out and buy a ring on credit. I would be honest with him that it makes you uncomfortable about wearing a ring from his mom's failed marriage. I wouldn't mention that you feel like its too small and you don't feel like he spent enough--I think that could be quite emasculating. I do think you deserve to wear something you love, though. What about a sparkly pave band or 5 or 7 stone ring? Then you could wear that as your wedder and e-ring until you two can save up for your dream ring?

If it makes you feel better, my proposal was a lot like yours My FI had good intentions--he did it at a historical site I had been dying to visit while we were on vacation in Mexico. He is normally so good with words, but he just got on one knee and all of a sudden was trying to cram the ring on my right finger. I said, "uhhh, wrong finger..." and put it on my left. He then got up and asked, "so is that a yes??" my reply was, "well you didn't actually ask, but yes! ;P"

I know he had the right intention, but he got nervous and blew it! We laugh and joke about it now, but I think we are so used to seeing elaborate proposals--romance in movies, crazy You Tube flash mobs, etc, that those proposals seem like the norm. My guy acts like he has never been in our kitchen every time he attempts to unload the dishwasher. I love him dearly but he would never be able to pull off a crazy, elaborate proposal without going insane. I think your guy tried to make it special but he didn't have as much of a plan as he thought or he got nervous. It sounds like he really loves you and wants to be with you, and that's most important.

 

[boysenberry]

Re: Proposal & Engagement ring not what I expected or wanted

I'm sorry you're not loving your ring It's very classic and I think it looks pretty on your hand. Wouldn't we all love a big, dreamy sparkler??? Reality is, most can't afford it--especially if you're young and he just got out of some financial difficulties. Because you mentioned that, I think it was quite a smart choice not to go out and buy a ring on credit. I would be honest with him that it makes you uncomfortable about wearing a ring from his mom's failed marriage. I wouldn't mention that you feel like its too small and you don't feel like he spent enough--I think that could be quite emasculating. I do think you deserve to wear something you love, though. What about a sparkly pave band or 5 or 7 stone ring? Then you could wear that as your wedder and e-ring until you two can save up for your dream ring?

If it makes you feel better, my proposal was a lot like yours My FI had good intentions--he did it at a historical site I had been dying to visit while we were on vacation in Mexico. He is normally so good with words, but he just got on one knee and all of a sudden was trying to cram the ring on my right finger. I said, "uhhh, wrong finger..." and put it on my left. He then got up and asked, "so is that a yes??" my reply was, "well you didn't actually ask, but yes! ;P"

I know he had the right intention, but he got nervous and blew it! We laugh and joke about it now, but I think we are so used to seeing elaborate proposals--romance in movies, crazy You Tube flash mobs, etc, that those proposals seem like the norm. My guy acts like he has never been in our kitchen every time he attempts to unload the dishwasher. I love him dearly but he would never be able to pull off a crazy, elaborate proposal without going insane. I think your guy tried to make it special but he didn't have as much of a plan as he thought or he got nervous. It sounds like he really loves you and wants to be with you, and that's most important.

I love this so much! I would take a simple, funny moment that we can look back on and laugh about over a flash mob any day I told SO I didn't want a public proposal and like you, I know he isn't capable of planning something super elaborate. I think he plans to "hide" the ring somewhere around our apartment for me to find. I'm looking forward to my treasure hunt

 

[fabulousfindk]

Re: Proposal & Engagement ring not what I expected or wanted

I like the ring, too! This may be a case where it's the thought that counts. You were both tired, and he was no doubt nervous, and well, life just isn't like the movies most of the time BUT! how would you feel about both saving up to get your dream wedding band? You could get a really blingy band that is your style and that you love on your finger - just make sure he knows you want to be a part of the process this time around.

 

[mogster]

Re: Proposal & Engagement ring not what I expected or wanted

I just wanted to let you know that I can completely relate. Now-DH proposed and it wasn't anything that I would have hoped for. I was extremely disappointed and absolutely nothing anyone said could have made me feel better (e.g. appreciating the effort/sentiment, reframing the story, etc.). I was bitter and resentful up until about the wedding and then the feeling subsided because enough time had passed. I've stopped thinking about it and when I do, I'm apathetic as opposed to angry. When I look back at our last big relationship milestone, it's our wedding and that completely eclipses the proposal. Your feelings about it might never change, but they will go away eventually and that's OK.

 

[LLJsmom]

Re: Proposal & Engagement ring not what I expected or wanted

I'm so sorry you're disappointed in your proposal and the ring. Like everyone else said, a basic solitaire is a very good start!! You can always reset. And you will find some jewelers will give you a credit for the stone so you can apply it to a new stone when you all have the finances.

As for the proposal, I have an even more unromantic one to share. My husband (then boyfriend) kept trying to take me out on a certain day, and I just wasn't having it. (It must have been that time of the month.) He wanted to take me to dinner and at the last minute I said I felt sick. He drove me to the beach and I wouldn't get out of the car cause I said it was cold. Finally he just parked the car, turned to his right, and asked me to marry him with him in the driver's seat. The ring was attached to a gerber daisy. I said yes, gave him a hug, and wanted to go home. But in the end, the stone, the proposal, etc, didn't matter much to me. I just wanted to start our life together. I knew he loved me and that he wanted us to be together too. That was 15 years and two kids ago. It's the years in between that mean the most to me.

Best wishes to you and your fiance. Be honest and loving with him. I'm sure he will understand.

 

[KaeKae]

Re: Proposal & Engagement ring not what I expected or wanted

Aw, I think the proposal was sweet. Can you imagine the pressure a man can feel in trying to make it movie perfect? Not that you said you wanted that, but I think that's what many think we want, so your guy found a spot in London he felt was special and made sure to get you there during your trip. His timing may have been off, but now and forever, that spot will always be THE spot for the two of you.

As for your ring, well call me biased, but I love it. It's the white gold version of my original ering, also chosen by my now husband, and set with a stone given to him years before by his grandmother. Not really an heirloom, as the story is it was a stone she had because 'someone gave it to her.' Huh? When I asked for more info, I was told that she was always doing things for people and they would pay her back in various ways, this was one of them, she realized it was worth something, and gave it to DH, who was maybe 15 at the time. His mother kept it for him. Other than this very thread, if the subject has ever come it, I've just said the truth: DH's grandmother gave it to him. The rest is between us, okay?

The great thing about the classic solitaire is that it can work with just about any style wedding band. My original was a brushed gold band, for our fifth anniversary, I added a sapphire and diamond band. Then at fifteen years, I added a channel set band. At 20 years, we did a reset, and it's now in a white gold setting. If you aren't interested in a wrap, please tell him that very soon. Make sure he knows you want to be involved in that choice. (Just a suggestion, if he gets upset that you don't want the wrap, you might say it takes away from the setting.) In the meantime, focus on your beautiful stone and planning your life together!