Parental $ Involvement and Wedding Invite

[mayachel]

So far, the venue is booked, the dress is bought, hotel rooms are reserved. My parents have generously and graciously paid for all of it. DF''s parents (are divorced-with different incomes) have both told my parents that "if they can help in anyway please let them know". My parents have not asked for help, or rejected it.

So...now we are a good 6+ months into planning, and my parents have blown their own budget. It is hard for DF and I to know how to proceed. My parents would happily stretch their last dollar for us, which I''d prefer they didn''t do. We were always going to both sets of parents on the invite, though listed as my parents hosting.

If we take DF''s parents up on the offer to pay for individual things, such as the photographer or band...at what point do we "of course" include them as "hosting" the wedding in our invitation wording vs. simply listing them.

DF is worried that there are still incidentals that will need to be paid and so I feel if we are going to give everyone equal hosting credit, we should divide the whole cost of the wedding down the middle (his parent are in a position to handle that, but may make my parents feel icky or like what they originally offered us wasn''t "enough").

Ideas? Suggestions?

 

[rhbgirl24]

Hmm.... hard one. Traditionally its the brides parents hosting, even with the grooms parents contributing to flowers, rehearsal dinner, or whatnot. No parents are listed on our invite, but the rehearsal dinner (paid for by my fiance''s parents) have only their names on it.

But if you feel better including them, than do so. I''m not sure I would count pennies with that and make them pay exactly half. They aren''t paying for their name on the invite, that is an honor you should bestow on them, if you decide to do so, regardless of monetary involvement IMO.

 

[dani2142]

Date: 9/29/2009 10:55:27 AM
Author:mayachel
So far, the venue is booked, the dress is bought, hotel rooms are reserved. My parents have generously and graciously paid for all of it. DF''s parents (are divorced-with different incomes) have both told my parents that ''if they can help in anyway please let them know''. My parents have not asked for help, or rejected it.

So...now we are a good 6+ months into planning, and my parents have blown their own budget. It is hard for DF and I to know how to proceed. My parents would happily stretch their last dollar for us, which I''d prefer they didn''t do. We were always going to both sets of parents on the invite, though listed as my parents hosting.

If we take DF''s parents up on the offer to pay for individual things, such as the photographer or band...at what point do we ''of course'' include them as ''hosting'' the wedding in our invitation wording vs. simply listing them.

DF is worried that there are still incidentals that will need to be paid and so I feel if we are going to give everyone equal hosting credit, we should divide the whole cost of the wedding down the middle (his parent are in a position to handle that, but may make my parents feel icky or like what they originally offered us wasn''t ''enough'').

Ideas? Suggestions?

I might not be much help being my fiance'' and I are both paying for our wedding on our own, but I think that it shouldn''t matter who pays for what. If your parents and your fiance''s parents can afford to help you out then that''s awesome. As far as the hosting thing I think you should mention both sides. So that no one''s feelings are hurt. If both parents are able and willing to help, let them. Maybe you and your fiance'' could take out your parents and his parents to dinner and everyone could just talk it out. That''s what I would do anyway.

You guys are lucky to be so fortunate!

 

[Stone Hunter]

I''m confused by the OP. So I''ll tell you my understanding of the OP and give my input based on my understanding.

The wording on the invitation is usually " George and Cindy blah blah announce the blah blah of their daughter blah blah to blah blah at location and time do the honor of attending blah blah."

So you want to say that George and Cindy Blah and Harry and Pamela Jones announce blah blah blah..."

And you are afraid your parents will feel slighted because they have paid for most of it?

Personally I never thought that putting both sets of parents in had anything to do with money!

So you and your F are free to decide what wording you prefer. Unless you want to cater to the feelings of your parents and you KNOW that they view the wording differently than I do. But I''d try really really hard not to slight your future ILs while trying to cater to your parent''s feelings.

 

[sparkly_stars]

Date: 9/29/2009 11:10:54 AM
Author: rhbgirl24
Hmm.... hard one. Traditionally its the brides parents hosting, even with the grooms parents contributing to flowers, rehearsal dinner, or whatnot. No parents are listed on our invite, but the rehearsal dinner (paid for by my fiance''s parents) have only their names on it.


But if you feel better including them, than do so. I''m not sure I would count pennies with that and make them pay exactly half. They aren''t paying for their name on the invite, that is an honor you should bestow on them, if you decide to do so, regardless of monetary involvement IMO.

I agree with this, my parents and us covered the majority of the cost, but even if MIL had covered more things (she is not in a financial position to do a lot, and we''re okay with that) the event was still hosted by my parents.
If I was worried she''d feel weird about it (MIL), I would have brought it up...and made sure everything was good.
The last thing you want is added stress or tension on your wedding...but then, I''m pretty open about my feelings and I work everything out the best I can!
Good luck!

 

[mayachel]

We do realize how lucky we are Dani. Which is exactly why we hate to imply what my parents have initially set aside is not "enough". We were thinking of getting everyone together for dinner, but also want to be able to give a bit of heads up ahead of time, so that it doesn''t feel like it is being "sprung" on anyone.

With everyone trying to be so careful, it starts feeling like a negotiation.

Our intention was always to have all names on the invite, but it is a difference if we say Mr. and Mrs. Mayachel invite you to the wedding of our daughter to mayachel''s boy- son of Mrs.Smith and Mr. Smith

or

Mr. and Mrs. Mayachel and Mrs. Smith and Mr. Smith invite you to the wedding...

 

[meresal]

My IL's gave us some money, which covered the photog and some of the flowers, but we only put my parents name on the invite. My parents are the ones that hosted the entire wedding event, and my IL's hosted the RD.

Unless the cost was agreed to be split down the middle/evenly from the beginning, I would only put your parents name. That's my personal opinion though.

ETA: Just to add, I'm not really fond of the comment that you used, re: "My parents have blown their own budget." I'm not sure if I missed some threads, but are these wedding decisions not your own? Isn't it you that already blew the budget your parents offered? If I'm wrong, please correct me.

If your parents were planning on being the hosts, with the money that they gave you, then they should be the only name at the top, and what your FIL's are offering is just a nice gift. It is your choice to spend more than what your parents offered, but it is probably not their choice to "share" the hosting of their daughter's wedding. Family dynamics can be completely different, but if this were me I would tread very lightly.

 

[sunnyd]

On our invites we did the Together with their families, ... thing. We''re actually paying for most of the wedding ourselves, but my parents are paying for food and drink, FI''s parents are paying for flowers, cake and RD. My mom has turned into a control freak as of late though, claiming that she needs to be involved because SHE''S PAYING...

I doubt it''s because of the invites, but it pisses me off nonetheless. So tread carefully...

 

[vc10um]

Date: 9/29/2009 11:32:40 AM
Author: sunnyd
On our invites we did the Together with their families, ... thing. We''re actually paying for most of the wedding ourselves, but my parents are paying for food and drink, FI''s parents are paying for flowers, cake and RD. My mom has turned into a control freak as of late though, claiming that she needs to be involved because SHE''S PAYING...

I doubt it''s because of the invites, but it pisses me off nonetheless. So tread carefully...

I was going to suggest that, or "Together with their parents..." especially since your FI''s parents are divorced.

 

[dani2142]

Date: 9/29/2009 11:24:16 AM
Author: mayachel
We do realize how lucky we are Dani. Which is exactly why we hate to imply what my parents have initially set aside is not ''enough''. We were thinking of getting everyone together for dinner, but also want to be able to give a bit of heads up ahead of time, so that it doesn''t feel like it is being ''sprung'' on anyone.

With everyone trying to be so careful, it starts feeling like a negotiation.

Our intention was always to have all names on the invite, but it is a difference if we say Mr. and Mrs. Mayachel invite you to the wedding of our daughter to mayachel''s boy- son of Mrs.Smith and Mr. Smith

or

Mr. and Mrs. Mayachel and Mrs. Smith and Mr. Smith invite you to the wedding...

Yeah, that''s a good idea. Maybe you could bring it up to them nonchalantly before doing the dinner thiing. I''m sure both of your parents will understand. Hey you never know.. they might end up laughing at you for being so concerned. (Not laughing at you in a mean way of course)

I''m sure you could think of something really creative to get all the names on the invite, if you wanted. Don''t let this stress you out though. Just talk to everyone. You''ll be alright girlie

 

[dani2142]

Date: 9/29/2009 11:32:40 AM
Author: sunnyd
On our invites we did the Together with their families, ... thing. We''re actually paying for most of the wedding ourselves, but my parents are paying for food and drink, FI''s parents are paying for flowers, cake and RD. My mom has turned into a control freak as of late though, claiming that she needs to be involved because SHE''S PAYING...

I doubt it''s because of the invites, but it pisses me off nonetheless. So tread carefully...

Your Mom sounds like my Mom. At least, that''s how she would be if she was paying for anything. Thank God she isn''t!!! She would drive me totally crazy!!!

It''s like, it''s about me, not you! Why does it matter that you are paying. Beeeyooootccccccchhhh!!!!!!!!! LOL I don''t know your Mom, so I wasn''t referencing her as a beeeyoootch. Just thinking about my Mom doing the same thing and wanting all the credit for paying.

 

[cleokizzy]

Date: 9/29/2009 11:43:41 AM
Author: vc10um

Date: 9/29/2009 11:32:40 AM

Author: sunnyd

On our invites we did the Together with their families, ... thing. We''re actually paying for most of the wedding ourselves, but my parents are paying for food and drink, FI''s parents are paying for flowers, cake and RD. My mom has turned into a control freak as of late though, claiming that she needs to be involved because SHE''S PAYING...

I doubt it''s because of the invites, but it pisses me off nonetheless. So tread carefully...

I was going to suggest that, or ''Together with their parents...'' especially since your FI''s parents are divorced.

ditto. to appease everyone, i think you could just do the "together with parents" liner so that both parents would be acknowledged.

 

[Elmorton]

Re: the wording - I think it makes sense to go with whatever will make the families the most comfortable. As an only kid, I know my parents were a little hurt when DH and I went with "Together with their parents" as the first line (especially since my parents did put together MOST of the money), but when I explained that it was because DH's parents are divorced/remarried but DH's mom kept her name (so it would have been "Mr. and Mrs. Jones, Mr. and Mrs. Smith and Ms. Smith request..") - and that if we had my parents' names, we should really include Dh's parents' names since they wound up contributing roughly 1/3 of our wedding budget, my parents understood that we were really doing the best we could (plus, my parents' names were on the RSVPS). If my parents had still been upset, I think we would have just gone with the funny wording OR done an alternative such as "Elmorton Jones, daughter of Mr and Mrs Jones, and Mr.Elmorton Smith request..."

Another scenario: a friend of mine is paying for the majority of her wedding, and her parents (very traditional) have made it quite clear that the invitations WILL read "Mr. and Mrs. Joe Jones request..." if she is to receive their financial help. Even though my friend knows that technically, she and her FI are really the hosts, she just doesn't want to make waves or upset her parents - for them, this is very much a kind of social issue.

So - regardless of how the finances sway, my vote is to simply go with what makes the families happiest, if you can comfortably accommodate and if you are also happy with how it's worded.

 

[mayachel]

meresal-My parents definitely started out planning to "host" the wedding. And I am their only child. The costs were never expected to be split down the middle. You''d typically be right to say that "we" blew our budget, except it wasn''t me I swear

. My parents are honestly very frugal people, who raised me to believe in budgets and pay off my cc in full each month. My parents were reluctant to state a budget up front, preferring to say "well, things cost what they cost, and we''ll just make sure that they are reasonable piece by piece". With my pressuring, they agreed to a specific number. It was my parents who primarily shopped for and looked at venues, only bringing us in to make final choices. The place we went with we had already pre-calculated would put us just under our "total" budget by about $2,000. They decided that was still the venue that they preferred. We were fine with it and that does include both ceremony site, and dinner and bar service.

While I don''t think that my mom quite realized the "going rate" for things such as invitations, flowers, photography, music...I think she she thought it would just be "a little bit more". Nothing else has been contracted for, because I have personally, of my own accord frozen the path not sure what sort of money we are working with.

She is encouraging us to go ahead with a $5000 photographer (she likes her work, and feels it is an appropriate price for the area-we are in NY).

My parents have not however mentioned anything about expanding their original budget.

If your parents were planning on being the hosts, with the money that they gave you, then they should be the only name at the top, and what your FIL''s are offering is just a nice gift. It is your choice to spend more than what your parents offered, but it is probably not their choice to ''share'' the hosting of their daughter''s wedding. Family dynamics can be completely different, but if this were me I would tread very lightly.

Very well spoken/taken point. Thank you.

 

[mayachel]

Elmorton- we are in a similar boat. Another only kid here plus multiple parent name issues. It is exactly why I think that my parents are not okay with not having their names on the invite ala "together with their families".

But, yours got over it...so maybe...

A friend is designing our invites and has already pointed out how wordy it was by making my parents Mr.&Mrs.John Doe but his Mrs.Katherine Smith, Mr. Tom Smith.

At which point my mother pointed out that she was the only one who''s name didn''t appear on the invite.

 

[mayachel]

Date: 9/29/2009 11:48:22 AM
Author: dani2142

Hey you never know.. they might end up laughing at you for being so concerned. (Not laughing at you in a mean way of course)


I''m sure you could think of something really creative to get all the names on the invite, if you wanted. Don''t let this stress you out though. Just talk to everyone. You''ll be alright girlie

Thanks Dani! Your right. Just like everyone else on the planet, talking about money stresses the heck out of me. It took me a good three weeks to bring it up with DF and it was sooo much better in real life than it was in my head.

 

[Rock_of_Love]

Date: 9/29/2009 11:21:23 AM
Author: Stone Hunter
I''m confused by the OP. So I''ll tell you my understanding of the OP and give my input based on my understanding.

The wording on the invitation is usually '' George and Cindy blah blah announce the blah blah of their daughter blah blah to blah blah at location and time do the honor of attending blah blah.''

So you want to say that George and Cindy Blah and Harry and Pamela Jones announce blah blah blah...''

And you are afraid your parents will feel slighted because they have paid for most of it?

Personally I never thought that putting both sets of parents in had anything to do with money!

So you and your F are free to decide what wording you prefer. Unless you want to cater to the feelings of your parents and you KNOW that they view the wording differently than I do. But I''d try really really hard not to slight your future ILs while trying to cater to your parent''s feelings.

Actually, it has everything to do with money, or who is hosting...if you subscribe to most invitation etiquette out there.

I agree with what meresal said...if your parents were planning to host, they deserve to be on the host line.

Here''s what Martha has to say about The Host Line ...it may be helpful. I might be inclined to do the "son of..." after the groom''s name if they do end up helping quite a bit, but I would ask your parents what they prefer...since they really are the ones hosting.

 

[cleokizzy]

Date: 9/29/2009 12:24:18 PM
Author: mayachel
...She is encouraging us to go ahead with a $5000 photographer (she likes her work, and feels it is an appropriate price for the area-we are in NY)...

mayachel- i''m in the ny area as well! i do not know what is included in the 5k but if it''s just for photos, thats expensive! have you booked with them already? if your interested, i could suggest the photographer we''re using. they have (reasonably priced) packages that might be of interest.

 

[mayachel]

Hey Cleo, I''d be happy to check out your photographer. We have not signed anything yet. The $5,000 includes 8hours coverage/2 photographers/online-proofing+website/spiral bound proofbook/ album with 40 pic/DVD with high res. pics and rights to print.

 

[swimmer]

This is perhaps tangential to the OPs situation, but to those who said that the names on invites have "everything to do with $$$," traditionally Jewish wedding invitations list both parents. DH and I paid for it all, but our parents, both sets, were listed at the top of the invite. We were also walked down the aisle by both of our parents, there are many different ways of looking at an invitation, ours was a declaration of families joining, not a balance sheet.

 

[meresal]

maychel- I read your reply, and thank you for reading my post for what it was. I was really hoping it didn''t come across incorrectly. Your parents sound alot like mine and our situation at the time. They were hesitant at first to give a "full amount of budget", but knowing that I am a very good budgeter they were ok with telling me their max after a month or so. They wanted to see what I was thinking and envisioning before settling on a price. That sounds like what you were explaining from the beginning of your planning process. It can be very hard not knowing what your limit is.

My parents still paid 90% of the wedding, and the money that DH''s parents gave us was a gift up-front. My parents would have been very hurt if I had said that I felt DH''s parents should be on the invite as well, just beacause they gave some money. However, that is just our situation, so I was just trying to share a different point of view.

I hope you can figure all of this out. It will be ok!

 

[Rock_of_Love]

Date: 9/29/2009 7:09:13 PM
Author: swimmer
This is perhaps tangential to the OPs situation, but to those who said that the names on invites have ''everything to do with $$$,'' traditionally Jewish wedding invitations list both parents. DH and I paid for it all, but our parents, both sets, were listed at the top of the invite. We were also walked down the aisle by both of our parents, there are many different ways of looking at an invitation, ours was a declaration of families joining, not a balance sheet.

I apologize if I offended, as there are ALWAYS exceptions to the rule. Weddings in many other cultures, I''m sure, don''t follow the same etiquette traditions that are outlined in most...American/English/Anglo/Whatever-you-wanna-call-it...rule books.

It is good to hear another cultural/religious point of view; it is just that in *most* cases in the US, it is presumed that the people written on the "host line" are the ones hosting (meaning shelling out the dough!). Don''t shoot the messenger...I didn''t make the rules! And...you can ALWAYS break ''em!! LOL!

I feel like my generation is more willing to break the rules, but I want to respect my parents'' generation...and if they are hosting and want to be recognized on the host line for it, I''m definitley not going to argue.

 

[cara]

Hosting is not exactly the same thing as paying. One can host without paying (by way of organizing and booking and issuing invitations, etc.) and pay without hosting (by providing funds but no organizing or public role). And sometimes people are listed as hosts on wedding invites for honorary reasons when they really didn't fund, organize, or do much hosting of guests on the day of. There is a fairly easy way to list groom's parents as parents and not hosts, but its a little more difficult to list bride's parents as parents not hosts.

We organized our wedding, with funding coming from ourselves and all parents, of which both sets are divorced and two are remarried so there are six. For simplicity, we went with the 'Together with their families...' wording as otherwise the invite would have been law firm letterhead.

You should go with whatever gets the job done! That is, whatever works for you and will least offend the people involved... If you ask the groom's parents to pay for specific items not particularly associated with hosting the reception (such as your dress or maybe the photographer) and you know they are the easy-going type, you could still put your parents as the exclusive hosts and grooms parents in the 'grooms parents' slot (after groom's name, where you say 'son of blah and blam'), so they are at least listed on the invite. Or if your parents are less stuffy on this, you could list all parents as hosts. Doesn't have to reflect fraction of costs paid. Or you could bypass the controversy and move to the 'together with their parents...' wording that has everyone hosting.