on the the ring, or on the proposal

[blasimon]

Hi everybody,

I first want to thank everybody for providing such helpful information this forum and website. I''ve enjoyed learning about diamonds here, and as a first-time shopper it has greatly simplified my life so far.

I have started planning for the expenses associated with our engagement, and I have read very interesting proposal stories here. All of us shopping for diamonds appreciate good diamonds, but I am wondering where you all see the line between getting the best ring, and getting the best story to go with the ring. I''m sure it''s a matter of taste, but I would like to get opinions on this.

A little background. I''m 28, starting the 4th year of a graduate degree program. My girlfriend is 23 and will be graduating from her masters at about the same time I will graduate from my program. We have been together for a little less than two years, living together the whole time, and things have been smooth. We have discussed engagements, marriage and other future plans and decided that we probably would like to get engaged in about 12 months, as I start the 4-5 month job search process for an academic job in my field.

As of right now, I''ve estimated that by that time I should be able to have about $4000. Thanks to Pricescope, I''ve figured out that I can get a nice ring for her, in the slightly less than 1 carat range (0.9-0.95) and be left with about $500 for planning a proposal. That is what my current salary allows. She likes: round stone, very thin ring, tiffany style or with small gemstones, relatively insensitive to color (G-H is fine). Eye-clean is sufficient.

I have also been toying with the idea of a travel proposal/celebration to Paris. I''m a native French speaker from Canada, and she has been learning French for a couple years. So, French has some special connection to us. I have friends in Paris who could help me plan a nice 3 day trip (I''ve never been there), and using some frequent flyer miles I''ve estimated that about $1700 would do the trick.

So here are some options:

1.
$3500 diamond & ring (.9-.95 carat, SI2, H)
Local proposal, on a weekend getaway with $500 budget. Not planned yet.

2.
$2300 diamond & ring (about .75 carat, SI2, H, simple white-gold solitaire ring)
Weekend in Paris. Simplified current plan: ask her to prepare a bag to visit some of friends in Pittsburgh for the weekend (we’re in central PA). As we get to Pittsburgh, instead drive to a nice outdoor location and propose to her. Explain that we’re actually going to Paris.

What are your opinions/experiences? Better ring or better proposal? Any other idea?

Thanks!!

 

[audball]

Personally, I''d rather have the nicer ring, the ring will be the symbol of the commitment forever, not the 5 minutes that the proposal will take place in. I think you could create a very romantic environment and still incorporate French into it somehow (nice french restaurant??) without taking such a portion of the ring budget for the trip. Saving the FF miles for a honeymoon would be nice as well.

I''m also the kind of person that doesn''t want a wedding, I''d rather have a personal, intimate elopement without all the bells and whistles, so what kind of girl is your future fiance? Does she like big attention grabbing stories, or is she more private? That would weigh heavily on the decision if it were me. If she wants the story, you have your answer.

 

[LostSapphire]

Take her on a long weekend to Quebec City, and put the $$ towards the ring!

LS

 

[blasimon]

Thanks LS and Audball!!

LS, we''ve already done the Quebec City trip, in the winter, and it was beautiful. I should have waited hehe. I have looked into whether she''d like to stay at the Ice Hotel, but she didn''t. One more idea out of the window!

Audball, She wants non-Church wedding with her family, but is very flexible otherwise. We are planning to have the wedding in a couple more years, after we have moved (and have more money). With respect to private/stories, I think that she would like a story, and she misses traveling. But a nice ring is a nice ring... and the 33% increase in diamond size that I would get for the extra money (keeping quality the same) seems pretty significant.

 

[16ocean]

Sorry if I am way blunt but I say, put the extra money in the ring for her. That is what you look at every day.

I think a proposal can be so romantic in the simplest of locations that is significant for the two of you. The place where you realized you wanted her to be the mother of your children. The place you first met. etc

 

[blasimon]

No worries about being blunt. I''m just looking for opinions and I very much appreciate that you took the time to share yours And really, I haven''t committed to anything, and I actually am not leaning either way. I''d obviously like to buy her the best diamond I can, in contrast planning such a trip would involve a lot from me during some of my busiest times.

But given that it seems that most people seem to lean toward the better ring, let me play devil''s advocate and argue the other way. You say that she''ll look at that ring everyday, and that''s very true so the ring should be special. But when she does look at the ring, what will she think about? Only about how beautiful the ring is? Or also about the proposal? About how it happened? Or a combination of those things? If we did go to Paris, will she think: "I wish that we hadn''t gone to Paris and that I had gotten a .95ct rock instead of a .75ct? Or gone from an H to a F?"

I''m not saying that a proposal can''t be good if it''s simple and cheap. As evidenced by the posts on this board, many absolutely beautiful and personal proposals don''t cost a dime. But I also remember just reading this one, from a man who bought his finance a old car that (if I remember well) he fixed up for her, and called "her ring box". What a great proposal.

Thanks again, for helping me out

 

[16ocean]

“But when she does look at the ring, what will she think about?” That’s a good question. I have a feeling only your FF will be able to answer that.

You know her better than any of us on these forms do.

 

[audball]

Date: 5/25/2009 5:11:04 PM
Author: 16ocean

“But when she does look at the ring, what will she think about?” That’s a good question. I have a feeling only your FF will be able to answer that.

You know her better than any of us on these forms do.

This point is a good one. However, just because the proposal comes to mind when you look at your ring, doesn''t mean the proposal can''t be just as fabulous in her memory as the one you''d planned for in Paris, without going to Paris. It''ll take some time and creativity, but there has to be something that would be "so her, or you" without spending so much to execute. KWIM?

 

[choyoyo]

I would save paris for some other time, as that is a long flight for just a 3 day trip. I don''t know if I would have recovered from jet lag before I would have to fly back home again. Sounds a bit stressful.

I vote for local proposal, as you will have more flexibility, and I personally love the idea of a proposal at a place that has significance to both of you and your previous history.

This is my opinion, regardless of how it would affect the diamond size and allocation of budget.

 

[blasimon]

So I was a little curious yesterday. Given that some of our friends just got engaged and that she wouldn''t expect a proposal anytime soon (at least not within a year), I decided to test waters with her. One of those bridal shows came on while we were watching TV and decided to tell her about this proposal I heard an acquaintance had gone for. I actually detailed to her one of the proposals I had read here, one that involved spending a significant amount of money on the proposal. She said she liked the proposal.

Then I asked her if she thought that, although the proposal was great, the guy would have been better off putting the money on the rock and go for something personal to both of them, more local, where they had a history. She told me that to her, if a ring has a specific set of features that she wants, anything beyond that doesn''t really matter (i.e. a conjunctive rule) and that the money would be better spent on making that proposal special, or on something else altogether. Of course, I would need to figure out what those features are... and I''m working on that for the next year

Chocovo, yes that''s a good point about the jetlag. Thanks! She hasn''t traveled in a while and I don''t know how sensitive she is to jet lag. I know I''m not at all, but I''d have to figure that out.

Thanks for all the replies!!

 

[D&T]

put the money on the ring...I remember myproposal like it happened yesterday, but DH was very clever and it was just perfect for us (probably only spent $50 max),it ws just memorable not the amount of money but just the act itself... if you are on a tight budget, definitely put more on the ring.

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

I think getting a woman the best possible ring you can get for her, within reason, is the "good" way to go.

My opinion? If I was your FF, I''d rather have a "better" diamond. Proposals are memorable and wonderful, no matter the circumstances. She won''t ever look back at the proposal and think, "Ugh... I wish it had happened in France!"

Which, by the way, seems better than proposing in a park before you hop a plane? Why not propose at the ultimate destination? THAT would make a "fabulous" proposal rather than a normal proposal and a fun weekend getaway.

Best case scenario: Save until you can do both. If you''re holding off on the wedding for a few years, why propose within 12 months? Push it back to 18 months and get the best of both worlds: A proposal in Paris with an awesome, larger, clearer, better-cut diamond?


Sorry for harshness... And perhaps this isn''t what is best for your FI... But it is what *I* would prefer if given the choice.

 

[LadyBlue]

I would rather a bigger stone!!

 

[ckrickett]

Date: 5/26/2009 9:29:37 AM
Author: blasimon
So I was a little curious yesterday. Given that some of our friends just got engaged and that she wouldn't expect a proposal anytime soon (at least not within a year), I decided to test waters with her. One of those bridal shows came on while we were watching TV and decided to tell her about this proposal I heard an acquaintance had gone for. I actually detailed to her one of the proposals I had read here, one that involved spending a significant amount of money on the proposal. She said she liked the proposal.

Then I asked her if she thought that, although the proposal was great, the guy would have been better off putting the money on the rock and go for something personal to both of them, more local, where they had a history. She told me that to her, if a ring has a specific set of features that she wants, anything beyond that doesn't really matter (i.e. a conjunctive rule) and that the money would be better spent on making that proposal special, or on something else altogether. Of course, I would need to figure out what those features are... and I'm working on that for the next year

Chocovo, yes that's a good point about the jetlag. Thanks! She hasn't traveled in a while and I don't know how sensitive she is to jet lag. I know I'm not at all, but I'd have to figure that out.

Thanks for all the replies!!

special does not equal expensive.

But I'm sure with whatever you choose it will be great and she will love it.
Maybe find a personal chef that specializes in french cooking and have him come to your home, it'd be really sweet if you told her to get all dressed up and then blind folded her, drove around a bit then came back and everything was set up and VIOLA the reveal, you could even do a cute french theme. That might not be super cheap but it will be alot less then 1700 and really special thats for both of you. Plus no jet lag!

 

[suchende]

PARIS!

 

[lilmissrugger]

Well, I suppose I''m definitely in the minority here, but I would prefer the proposal take place in Paris- but I''m not that tied down to materialistic things, and I live my life by the idea that the more stories I have to tell my grandchildren, the more I''ve lived. Plus, depending on how much money you have later on, you can always upgrade the stone, but you can''t re-propose.

Who knows- maybe I just really want to go to Paris!

Good luck with whatever you decide!!!

 

[AOmagman78]

I think this really comes down to what your girlfriend would prefer. I know that in my relationship we love pictures and memories. So a trip to Paris would BLOW her mind. Yes, rings are nice to show friends, but I''m a traditionalist and to me the ring is just a symbol, no matter how many carats, of your life to come. So I would go with the modest ring and the trip. A trip provides memories for a lifetime and pictures and stories to go with it. A ring is cool for the first year or so, but after that no one truly cares (in my opinion). So to me the trip is a much better idea, in fact, a great one given the background in french you both have. Of course I hope she''s talked about wanting to go to France. Anyway, hope I helped.

 

[kinopop]

Which-ever one you do, just make sure to not tell her what she was missing instead.
It''ll be hard to do, but don''t let her know what she isn''t getting.

My advice to you is one I truly feel you should do, but it''s your choice.

Going to France is the way to go.
Now France in my opinion is kind of lame, and the people there are kind of
lame too, and I''m saying this just to let you know that''s not the bias.

The ring can be upgraded in the future. The current one will not only
symbolize your love, but a time where you two were not as well off, going
to school and the like, and it may help you stay down to earth when it comes
to materialism in the future.

Her memories of France are indeed priceless, and you won''t have another chance
to have a run-off-to-another-country proposal with her (unless you re-marry), but
while many on this forum may disagree, a rock is a rock. Remember, you can always
upgrade the rock if she is -it turns out- a girl who only cares about the size
of the stone. If she is, then she won''t care if the bigger stone replaces the
"original" one.

When I was a kid, I always had the thought, "man, instead of this temporary vacation,
if they just gave me the money, I''d have this sweet toy forever." <- Silly me, the
vacation was worth way more.

Whatever you choose, may you be happy with this girl forever.

 

[whitby_2773]

simple, blasimon -

larger ring for now -

honeymoon in paris.

i''ve been to paris many times, and there is no more romantic spot for a honeymoon. but you''d need a week, not just a couple of days. and it''s a full day''s travel each way, so only a weekend there with 2 days of travel would be a brutal balance of time.

also, i think you might be surprised how proud you feel of the ring you give her. so many guys are so-so about the ring...till they invest significant time in choosing it, it''s delivered to them, and they see it on their fiancee''s finger. then suddenly they really see it as a symbol of loving this woman and wanting to spend their lives with her. so don''t underestimate how important getting a great ring might suddenly become to YOU; both of you are gonna be showing this ring to your family and friends for a loooong time!

besides...you''ll always have paris!

(sorry - i couldnt resist that last bit!)

 

[ckrickett]

Date: 6/29/2009 12:06:21 AM
Author: whitby_2773
simple, blasimon -

larger ring for now -

honeymoon in paris.

i''ve been to paris many times, and there is no more romantic spot for a honeymoon. but you''d need a week, not just a couple of days. and it''s a full day''s travel each way, so only a weekend there with 2 days of travel would be a brutal balance of time.

also, i think you might be surprised how proud you feel of the ring you give her. so many guys are so-so about the ring...till they invest significant time in choosing it, it''s delivered to them, and they see it on their fiancee''s finger. then suddenly they really see it as a symbol of loving this woman and wanting to spend their lives with her. so don''t underestimate how important getting a great ring might suddenly become to YOU; both of you are gonna be showing this ring to your family and friends for a loooong time!

besides...you''ll always have paris!

(sorry - i couldnt resist that last bit!)

That''s the concern I would have, thats why I say bigge rock. Jet llag and stuff.. I hate it

. Unless you could somehow elongate your time there.
let us know what you do!

 

[junebug17]

This one is easy, put the money towards the bigger diamond!!!! she's gonna be looking at that ring for a long time, might as well make it the best it can be. The proposal will be special, no matter where it takes place.

 

[treefrog]

Looks like I''m going to be the oddball here. No problem - I''m used to it. Here''s my suggestion:

1) Bigger/better diamond.
2) You''re focusing on the French/Paris thing. There must be something else the two of you like. I suggest finding an alternate theme/plan for the proposal so that...

... you can do the honeymoon in Paris, once you''re more established in your job with some solid income. This way you can stay longer and enjoy it a little more (and have money to spend while you''re there, and have a beautiful ring for her to flaunt).

Seems like the best of both worlds to me!

Definitely go for a good story! I''m not too far from you in MD so if you can post some common interests the two of you have, or tell us about your first date or how you met, I may be able to come up with fairly local suggestions.

Treefrog

 

[vip0802]

she''ll love either one you choose!

if it was my choice though, i''d go for the ring. i agree with what whitby had to say (she''s so clever!).

good luck and let us know what happens!

 

[iota]

I''d definitely put the money towards the ring.

I''ve been to Paris, it''s beautiful but it''s not like you''re actually proposing there. It''s a trip tacked onto the proposal... unless you plan to make her wait ten hours on a plane, take a cab to the Champs D''elysee and propose under it''s arches. It''s a sweet idea in concept, but in practice, I don''t think a proposal in a park and then motioning for your fiance to sit on a plane for the next ten hours, only to come back on another ten hour flight in a day or so really makes sense.

She''ll remember the proposal no matter what. Plan a beautiful weekend getaway to someplace special for both of you, and relax there for the twenty hours you would have been in an airport or on a plane. Save Paris for later. The real Paris experience is not something that should be rushed.

As for the memories, it sounds like you''ll both be academics. You''ll both have plenty of school-mandated breaks and I''m sure you''ll have the finances to take all the trips you want in the future. Yes, I absolutely agree that few things match the experience of traveling. BUT, if she''s not an upgrade kind of girl (which most people aren''t outside of PS), this will be the only engagement ring she''ll ever get. Make it a good one.

 

[ckrickett]

bump bump... what did ya choose?

 

[Snicklefritz]

It really depends on her style but if you''re asking me I''d say go for the nicer ring any day.

 

[vc10um]

I''m a sentimental freak, so I''d say spend the money on the ring, and do it somewhere that means something to the two of you. (My friend''s fiance proposed at the spot where they first said "I love you" and I thought that was the most amazing thing in the world. Total cost: $0.)

 

[ckrickett]

Date: 8/28/2009 4:36:28 PM
Author: vc10um
I''m a sentimental freak, so I''d say spend the money on the ring, and do it somewhere that means something to the two of you. (My friend''s fiance proposed at the spot where they first said ''I love you'' and I thought that was the most amazing thing in the world. Total cost: $0.)

aw thats so sweet... that would be weird for me and my SO we would have to break into our old apartment.

 

[AustenNut]

Is your girlfriend the type of girl who would ever want to upgrade? As someone else said, most non-PS women want the one ring forever.

Since y''all are both students is there a way for the proposal trip to last more than 3 days? Frankly, those who talk about the jet lag and travel time for a 3-day trip are right on the money for me. Going to Europe should be at least a 5 day event, but preferably longer.

Also, is the proposal or the honeymoon more important to you? I was part of the bridal party for a couple who had their proposal in Thailand. (Actually, the proposal was on the plane before my friend found out where they were going. She thought they were headed someplace domestic and he surprised her with Thailand.) For their honeymoon, though, they ended up going to Florida. If you have to choose which trip will have more cachet, do you want it to be the proposal or the honeymoon?

My initial gut reaction is to say go with the bigger ring and propose in a local destination that is meaningful to the two of you. Especially if she''s not an upgrade kind of gal.

But if you can extend your trip to Paris for even a few days and you know that the proposal story is really important to her, then it''s a toss-up. But make sure you find out what those important ring qualities are for her before you make your decision.

 

[vc10um]

Date: 8/28/2009 11:27:34 PM
Author: ckrickett

Date: 8/28/2009 4:36:28 PM

Author: vc10um

I''m a sentimental freak, so I''d say spend the money on the ring, and do it somewhere that means something to the two of you. (My friend''s fiance proposed at the spot where they first said ''I love you'' and I thought that was the most amazing thing in the world. Total cost: $0.)

aw thats so sweet... that would be weird for me and my SO we would have to break into our old apartment.

Haha...FF and I would have to break into his old place, too. He''s pretty sentimental, though, so I know if we ever head back to the park where we went for a walk on our first date and had our first kiss...