Need Advice on Old Engagement Ring...

[ulualoha]

Hi Everyone,

Ok I have a complicated situation that I really need advice on. I ask your patience as I try to give an abridged version of the situation. I have an engagement ring from a person that I am no longer with. Even though he cheated while we were engaged, I offered to return the ring, my only stipulation was that he pays for the postage/insurance (he lived out of state). He refused to do so and asked me to meet him halfway between CA and NV in a little town called Calico...basically the middle of the desert. I should add that this man lied to me when I first met him on Eharmony saying he was divorced...I later found out much later on that he wasn''t (which is against the policy of Eharmony).

When I first met him, he was the classic case of being ten years older and 30 pounds heavier than the picture he posted. But looks is not the most important thing to me so I ignored it...but it should have been a warning sign of what was yet to come as the writing was already on the wall. Here''s a little more background of what I dealt with while I was with him...a poor choice on my part- I know.

We emailed back and forth for quite a while and talked on the phone and then he flew out to meet me for the first time. We actually hit it off quite well. By the end of his trip, he and I had agreed we were in a committed relationship. After he returned home he called and told me after we spent the weekend together, he had a one night stand.

He said he was sorry and he wouldn''t talk to her anymore...big surprise, he lied again. She called his cell phone the next time he was visiting me. He promised again to not speak to her anymore...this time, as far as I know, he kept his word. For a while he seemed normal and I wasn''t catching him in lies. We got engaged on New Years Eve and then shortly afterwards, I found his profile on Yahoo Personals following my gut instinct. It showed the last time he logged in and it was the day I found it.

I called him on it...and that was the end of the relationship- I know, long over due!

Anyhow, getting back to the ring...I was admittedly hardheaded about being the one that should be saddled with returning it or meeting him in the desert to return it to him...oh yeah, forgot another lie (so to speak), he carried guns on him at all times, without a permit. So knowing that....that whole idea of meeting in the desert was a big NO. I even stayed with friends for a little while as I wasn''t sure what he was capable of. So after exchanging many emails, he sent me a nasty email and said I could keep it. Shortly after he sent that email, he got married. He has periodically sent me emails which I have ignored. He scared me so badly with some of his emails and phone calls I reported him to my security department at work.

Fastforward to now...I have since married (in December) to a wonderful man but I still have that ring sitting in a drawer collecting dust. My concern is that being as spiteful as I saw him be when we were arguing about how he would get the ring back, I wonder if he reported it stolen so that if I ever did anything with it I would get in trouble. I have saved all the emails from him so I would have proof of the situation but I really don''t want to go there if you know what I mean. So I guess I am wondering what I should do? I thought about making it into a right hand ring. I don''t have any of the paperwork or stats on the stone. I don''t even know how big the stone is...but it''s pretty and it seems a shame for it to be collecting dust for 3 years now.

Does anyone have any advice? Can a trace be put on a stone like the microchips that are in pets? I just assume let it collect dust if there is any chance he might have done something spiteful. I really appreciate any advice you can give....and yes, I more than learned my lesson from this situation.

Please try not to be too hard on me for my bad judgment.

Thanks in advance,
ulualoha

 

[Haven]

CONGRATULATIONS on your marriage, first of all!

As for the ring, if I were in your situation I would not want that thing in my possession, but that is just me. Your ex sounds like he''s extremely unpredictable, and possibly as some questionable decision-making skills, so no, I would not keep the ring nor would I make it into a RHR. I would return it, eat the shipping costs, and effectively cut all ties to this man.

I''m not being harsh, by the way, I''m just trying to keep you safe and keep this man out of your life forever! Having "his" ring might make him feel entitled to having access to you, after all.

Good luck, this is a toughie!

 

[justageek]

Hi ulualoha!

As far as I know, there is no way to discreetly inscribe anything into a stone to make it identifiable (which is the only way they could trace it, akin to your analogy of a microchip in a dog). I say hold on to it if you want, sell it if you want, throw it off a cliff if you want, or give it back if you want. As long as you have witnesses who can testify that he genuinely gave it to you, I don''t think any judge would hold it against you even if this jerk were to file charges and claim you stole it.

 

[surfgirl]

ulualoha, I cant say what I really want to because it would be too laden with expletives. But suffice it to say that you have earned the right, IMO, to sell that ring and consider it "hazard pay". The guy was a scumbag. He''s a liar. And he''s so freakin cheap that he wont pay to have you send the ring back to him? I''m sorry but tough beans! If it was that important to him, he''d pay for the shipping. Sell it on Craig''s List or put it up for sale in a consignment shop, and when you get the money, buy something fabulous or invest it in a little side fund and watch it grow. Many years from now, when that account has accrued a nice little nest egg, you can take a lovely trip to Paris, and toast that a#%hole from atop the Eiffel Tower! Enjoy!

 

[Steel]

What a terrible set of circumstances.

I have a very strict line that I live by. I would not want anything to do with any link that a man like that could ever have to me. Even if (an I believe you could) you maintain the ring is a gift, you are allowing him the potential of influencing your life in the future should he choose to pursue a claim for the return of the ring or equivalent value.

Personally I would suck down the cost of returning the ring by mail and close the book.

IMO, you didn't gain anything positive from this relationship except the experience and keeping a 'memento' however sparkly could never be positive. You lost out. Period. He sounds like a twit, you realised it and got rid of him. Get rid of his ring.

***********************

(Edited for spelling: Well it is almost 2 am here!

)


Congrats on your wedding, I wish you both a long and happy life together.

 

[Sha]

Hm. Do you really want to be wear a ring from a guy who treated you the way he did? If it was me, everytime I looked at the ring it would remind me of him. I don''t have any advice about the microchips, but I would definitely look into selling it.

 

[Dandi]

I agree with the previous posts. I''d sell it and maybe buy yourself a nice RHR with the money.

 

[Independent Gal]

Hmmm... I''m torn between ''send it back'' and ''sell it''. Not sure what I would do. I''d probably just send it back. But selling it is totally understandable. What a jerk! If he said ''Keep it'' in one of his e-mails, I believe that means it''s legally yours. Maybe ask a lawyer?

But definitely keep ALL his e-mails. And print them out too.

Note that if it''s a certified stone, it probably has its certificate number laser inscribed on the girdle. So, yes, it''s probably traceable.

But if it''s yours (if he said ''Keep it!)''), it doesn''t matter!

 

[iheartscience]

I don''t think I''d want to wear a ring from a psycho like that, either, but I would sell it and buy something fun with the money. If he told you to keep it, it''s yours, and you should keep it.

I wouldn''t send it back to him because that may renew his harassment of you. And if you were and are still frightened of him, I would call the police the next time he harasses you. Telling security at your work won''t really do much, in my opinion.

 

[perry]

In many cases here on Pricescope we collectively suggest resetting the stone into some kind of pendent or selling such rings.

In this case I suggest that you send it back. You do not want to give this guy any more reasons to think in the future that you owe him.... (because of the ring). Your future security is more important than the cost of sending the ring.

Another thing I''d do: Move, change email addresses, etc and make it harder for him to find you in the future (and if you ever thought of moving half way across the country - now is the time to do so). Let any old freinds and acquaintences in the area know to not give out where you have moved to or your contact information without your permission (they can tell people that they will provide the contact information to you and you will get back to them if you are interested).

I have been at the wrong end of the death threat and stalking scenerio. I don''t want to see you there. Do not - under any circumstances - agree to meet this guy. If he ever shows up or starts looking for you - assume the worst and immediately relocate (like that day - and don''t go back to your old living quarters except to get your belongings in mid day with supportive freinds - and armed if legally possible). I know that this last suggesting can get pricy. I did it multiple times (and was real good on renting apartments by paying 3 months rent + security deposit in advance to get a short lease; and never being there for 3 months). I used a mail drop and even hired a call answering service so that I could give out a phone number. My "legal" address that was on my drivers license was a family member or a freinds address - but not where I temporaryly lived. I did in home sales for a company and did not have a normal job where I could expect to be every day (and now in the computer world there are other possibilities).

I know that the above paragraph may sound harsh - and extreem; but how many times do you here of someone killed by their "ex" or abusive spouse that they have moved out on and knew that there was a threat. Court orders don''t work in many cases. Vanishing does. Typically after 3 or 4 years the threat goes away and you can resume a more normal life (but not always for some extreem cases).

In my case it has now been about 15 years since that portion of my life. Things have been more normal comming up on a decade. I sucessfully avoided a gunfight of which I may not have won. Looking back I figure it cost me about $50,000; and admitedly it took a long time to recover financially. But, I would not have it any other way.

Be safe; a lot of people need you arround.

Perry

 

[luckystar112]

I wouldn''t send it back. You both are married now...life has moved on. (Besides his random emails.) By sending it back, you are acknowledging him, and that could make it worse. He could take it one of two ways: 1) You see it "his" way now and want to be friends. 2) You are rubbing it in his face. Either way....not good. Plus, he''ll know where you live by your return address.
I think it''s better to just continue ignoring him.

I''d put the diamond in a pendant and consider yourself even.

 

[KimberlyH]

I''d eat the cost and send it back, without a doubt.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 8/26/2007 12:10:34 PM
Author: KimberlyH
I''d eat the cost and send it back, without a doubt.

I agree with Kim.

 

[february2003bride]

Date: 8/26/2007 12:52:10 PM
Author: Kaleigh

Date: 8/26/2007 12:10:34 PM
Author: KimberlyH
I''d eat the cost and send it back, without a doubt.

I agree with Kim.

I wouldn''t... mailing it back would open a door for him for him to try and contact you again. Check with an attorney first to see what your property and ownership rights of the ring are. If he/she says its your''s free and clear, sell it.

 

[risingsun]

I would not send it back. I think it could open up a potential for further communication or harassment from him. It's just too risky, IMO. I still wear some pieces from my abusive ex husband. It's a reminder of my own survival. Now that a number of years have passed, I'm beginning to trade them in on new pieces. I know I have survived and moved on. I am so thankful for finding my husband who treats me wonderfully and understands my need to work through this.

 

[curiopotter]

Don''t send it back. Sending this back means you''ll have to not only PAY for shipping and insurance, but you''ll also have to put your return address, and possibly phone number on the box.


SELL the ring, and donate the money to charity. Plain and simple.

 

[crown1]

give it to charity and get the tax right off and call it a day.

 

[Stone Hunter]

Date: 8/26/2007 1:51:29 PM
Author: risingsun
I would not send it back. I think it could open up a potential for further communication or harassment from him. It''s just too risky, IMO. I still wear some pieces from my abusive ex husband. It''s a reminder of my own survival. Now that a number of years have passed, I''m beginning to trade them in on new pieces. I know I have survived and moved on. I am so thankful for finding my husband who treats me wonderfully and understands my need to work through this.

I agree. Do not initiate contact with him. Even if you mean well you have no idea of how he''d take it.

3 years have passed lay low. When was the last time he contacted you and asked about the ring? I think I''d check with an attorney, copy everything into a file and then sell the ring.

 

[ulualoha]

Hi Everyone,

I first of all wanted to put a general posting to everyone to say thank you so much for your inputs. You all have given me a lot of things to think about and consider- what a nice group of folks there are on PS! I plan to respond to each of your postings...but I just wanted to say thanks. It''s such an icky situation...I am just trying to figure out the right thing to do.

Thanks again,

ulualoha

 

[ulualoha]

Date: 8/24/2007 7:15:11 PM
Author: Haven
CONGRATULATIONS on your marriage, first of all!


As for the ring, if I were in your situation I would not want that thing in my possession, but that is just me. Your ex sounds like he''s extremely unpredictable, and possibly as some questionable decision-making skills, so no, I would not keep the ring nor would I make it into a RHR. I would return it, eat the shipping costs, and effectively cut all ties to this man.


I''m not being harsh, by the way, I''m just trying to keep you safe and keep this man out of your life forever! Having ''his'' ring might make him feel entitled to having access to you, after all.


Good luck, this is a toughie!

Dear Haven,

Thank you so much for the well wishes....I feel so lucky to have met such a nice guy after having had some bad luck! As far as the ring goes, when this first happened, I did not want the ring at all but rather than taking a chance driving out to the desert, I opted to stand my ground. I unfortunately do not know where he is living now as I have not had mutual correspondence with him for over 3 years now. He has emailed me but I ignored his email. Might I add, what kind of guy emails his ex-fiancee when he''s married? OMG! So that''s kind of why I am in this strange place now. I have this ring just sitting in a drawer so I am trying to evaluate the best thing to do. Part of me wants to make it into a "freedom, right hand ring" but another part of me doesn''t. Everyone''s ideas have given me a lot to think about. I am so grateful everyone was so nice to take the time to write me back. I will keep you posted on what I end up doing. Thank you so much again Haven!

ulualoha

 

[ulualoha]

Date: 8/24/2007 7:31:33 PM
Author: justageek
Hi ulualoha!


As far as I know, there is no way to discreetly inscribe anything into a stone to make it identifiable (which is the only way they could trace it, akin to your analogy of a microchip in a dog). I say hold on to it if you want, sell it if you want, throw it off a cliff if you want, or give it back if you want. As long as you have witnesses who can testify that he genuinely gave it to you, I don''t think any judge would hold it against you even if this jerk were to file charges and claim you stole it.

Hi Justageek,

Gosh my friend would love your name for PS. She calls herself a geek all the time! I think she is just wonderful! The idea of throwing the ring off a cliff might be very cathartic! That made me smile! Although my practical side kicked in pretty fast. I do at least have pictures of him giving it to me so I am covered there along with his emails. Everyone on PS has given me so many wonderful ideas, suggestions and things to think about. Unfortunately the option of giving it back to him is long past as I have no idea where he is living now. I haven''t talked to him since 2004 even though he has emailed me. I refuse to respond to him. Anyhow, I just wanted to say thanks for taking the time to respond to my posting!

ulualoha

 

[ulualoha]

Date: 8/24/2007 8:26:44 PM
Author: surfgirl
ulualoha, I cant say what I really want to because it would be too laden with expletives. But suffice it to say that you have earned the right, IMO, to sell that ring and consider it ''hazard pay''. The guy was a scumbag. He''s a liar. And he''s so freakin cheap that he wont pay to have you send the ring back to him? I''m sorry but tough beans! If it was that important to him, he''d pay for the shipping. Sell it on Craig''s List or put it up for sale in a consignment shop, and when you get the money, buy something fabulous or invest it in a little side fund and watch it grow. Many years from now, when that account has accrued a nice little nest egg, you can take a lovely trip to Paris, and toast that a#%hole from atop the Eiffel Tower! Enjoy!

Hi Surfgirl,

I loved your response! Thank you so much! It''s funny because my mom normally is very straightlaced and never says any bad words but when it was all said and done she said quite a few colorful words and said I deserved to have the ring after all the s#$t he put me through. I could not believe my mom said that word! Selling it might be a good idea...in fact it''s a great idea. Although the more I think about it, I am kind of leaning towards making a "freedom right hand ring" with it. The jury is still out. Paris would be lovely to see finally...I studied French for many years and I have yet to get to France yet! I can''t believe it! Thank you so much for being so supportive and giving me a lot to think about! I really appreciate it so much!

ulualoha

 

[ulualoha]

Date: 8/24/2007 8:37:19 PM
Author: Steel

What a terrible set of circumstances.

I have a very strict line that I live by. I would not want anything to do with any link that a man like that could ever have to me. Even if (an I believe you could) you maintain the ring is a gift, you are allowing him the potential of influencing your life in the future should he choose to pursue a claim for the return of the ring or equivalent value.

Personally I would suck down the cost of returning the ring by mail and close the book.

IMO, you didn''t gain anything positive from this relationship except the experience and keeping a ''memento'' however sparkly could never be positive. You lost out. Period. He sounds like a twit, you realised it and got rid of him. Get rid of his ring.

***********************

(Edited for spelling: Well it is almost 2 am here!

)



Congrats on your wedding, I wish you both a long and happy life together.

Hi Steel,

Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my posting. I really appreciate it...and I appreciate the sweet words about the happy point in my life of getting married to a nice man that makes me very happy! Yes, the situation with this other guy was the crappiest of circumstances. I think he may have lied enough all by his little ol'' self to make up for all the guys I have dated that did not lie. The unfortunate thing about the idea of returning the ring is that I no longer know where he lives. I haven''t spoken to him since 2004...I guess that''s really fortunate, not unfortunate huh?! He has emailed me but I have ignored his emails. I am kind of emotionless about him and the situation anymore although when I think back to the specific moments when he lied, yes, the anger comes roaring back. Needless to say, I feel kind of guilty just letting the ring sit in my drawer. So many people gave so many great suggestions to my posting, I do have a lot to think about. Thank you so much again. I have some soul searching to do!

ulualoha

 

[ulualoha]

Date: 8/24/2007 10:36:16 PM
Author: Sha
Hm. Do you really want to be wear a ring from a guy who treated you the way he did? If it was me, everytime I looked at the ring it would remind me of him. I don''t have any advice about the microchips, but I would definitely look into selling it.

Hi Sha,

Thank you for responding to my posting...I completely agree with you. The only way I would enjoy wearing it was if I took the stone out and completely redid it in a new ring that I made the decisions about. Selling it is certainly a possibility too. Everyone gave so many good ideas, I need to sit and think through everything. I do appreciate your advice...thank you for taking the time to write me back!

ulualoha

 

[ulualoha]

Date: 8/26/2007 3:09:55 AM
Author: DandiAndi
I agree with the previous posts. I''d sell it and maybe buy yourself a nice RHR with the money.

Hi DandiAndi,

That''s an awesome idea too....I had not thought of selling it and then making a RHR with what I got for selling it. Thank you so much for taking the time to respond to my post...I truly appreciate it!

ulualoha

 

[ulualoha]

Date: 8/26/2007 9:12:42 AM
Author: Independent Gal
Hmmm... I''m torn between ''send it back'' and ''sell it''. Not sure what I would do. I''d probably just send it back. But selling it is totally understandable. What a jerk! If he said ''Keep it'' in one of his e-mails, I believe that means it''s legally yours. Maybe ask a lawyer?


But definitely keep ALL his e-mails. And print them out too.


Note that if it''s a certified stone, it probably has its certificate number laser inscribed on the girdle. So, yes, it''s probably traceable.


But if it''s yours (if he said ''Keep it!)''), it doesn''t matter!

Hi Independent Gal,

First of all, I love your ostrich, he''s so cute! I really appreciate you taking the time to respond to my posting! I unfortunately do not know where he is living now as I haven''t spoken to him since 2004, before he got remarried. He has emailed me a few times but I have adamantly ignored him emails. I do have all the emails he ever sent me printed out but unfortunately, the electronic versions were wiped out by MSN (they were originally sent to my work but I left the company and forwarded all the messages to my personal account to be safe)- grrrrrr! So I can only hope for the best with hard copies. Yes, the stone was the GIA certified...on an unbelievable side note....when my now husband and I were looking at rings to be engaged...he took me to the same store as my ex took me to. I told him the situation but he seemed unphased by it. As luck...or really unluck would have it, the same salesperson was working. Would you believe he actually suggested I use the stone my ex gave me as a trade in to use towards getting a larger stone? I about fell off my chair! My FF at the time was floored and thank goodness, put him in his place! Anyhow, I am concerned if I do opt to sell it that he might have been spiteful even though he said I could keep the darn thing. He proved to be constantly unpredictable throughout the time I knew him so I wouldn''t put it past him. Hmmm, back to the drawing board I suppose! Thanks again for the advice IG!

ulualoha

 

[ulualoha]

Date: 8/26/2007 9:51:20 AM
Author: thing2of2
I don''t think I''d want to wear a ring from a psycho like that, either, but I would sell it and buy something fun with the money. If he told you to keep it, it''s yours, and you should keep it.


I wouldn''t send it back to him because that may renew his harassment of you. And if you were and are still frightened of him, I would call the police the next time he harasses you. Telling security at your work won''t really do much, in my opinion.

Hi thing2of2,

Thank you for responding to my posting. The more I read everyone''s responses, the more I think the right thing to do it make use of the ring in a positive manner for me. So strange to think in that context. At this point, returning the ring isn''t an option as I haven''t talked to him since 2004 even though he has continued to email me. I no longer know where he is living. I have to assume he has moved since he got married...but don''t know for sure. And like you said, I really don''t want to encourage any further contact from him. I need to spend some time doing some soul searching and thinking after having so many helpful responses to this situation. I again thank you for taking the time to respond to my email.

ulualoha

 

[ulualoha]

Date: 8/26/2007 10:20:24 AM
Author: perry
In many cases here on Pricescope we collectively suggest resetting the stone into some kind of pendent or selling such rings.


In this case I suggest that you send it back. You do not want to give this guy any more reasons to think in the future that you owe him.... (because of the ring). Your future security is more important than the cost of sending the ring.


Another thing I''d do: Move, change email addresses, etc and make it harder for him to find you in the future (and if you ever thought of moving half way across the country - now is the time to do so). Let any old freinds and acquaintences in the area know to not give out where you have moved to or your contact information without your permission (they can tell people that they will provide the contact information to you and you will get back to them if you are interested).


I have been at the wrong end of the death threat and stalking scenerio. I don''t want to see you there. Do not - under any circumstances - agree to meet this guy. If he ever shows up or starts looking for you - assume the worst and immediately relocate (like that day - and don''t go back to your old living quarters except to get your belongings in mid day with supportive freinds - and armed if legally possible). I know that this last suggesting can get pricy. I did it multiple times (and was real good on renting apartments by paying 3 months rent + security deposit in advance to get a short lease; and never being there for 3 months). I used a mail drop and even hired a call answering service so that I could give out a phone number. My ''legal'' address that was on my drivers license was a family member or a freinds address - but not where I temporaryly lived. I did in home sales for a company and did not have a normal job where I could expect to be every day (and now in the computer world there are other possibilities).


I know that the above paragraph may sound harsh - and extreem; but how many times do you here of someone killed by their ''ex'' or abusive spouse that they have moved out on and knew that there was a threat. Court orders don''t work in many cases. Vanishing does. Typically after 3 or 4 years the threat goes away and you can resume a more normal life (but not always for some extreem cases).


In my case it has now been about 15 years since that portion of my life. Things have been more normal comming up on a decade. I sucessfully avoided a gunfight of which I may not have won. Looking back I figure it cost me about $50,000; and admitedly it took a long time to recover financially. But, I would not have it any other way.


Be safe; a lot of people need you arround.


Perry

Dear Perry,

Thank you for sharing what you have been through. I completely respect what you have written here as my friend in security reacted in the very same way you did when I told him what was going on. He is a dearheart. The good news is that the only contact I have had from him has been via email. I don''t know where he lives anymore and since I got married, he does not know where I live anymore. The even better news is that I am moving back east soon for a new job so it will be even harder for him to ever find me. I feel so sorry for his new wife. I am sure he is lying to her time and time again. I mean, what kind of man emails his ex-fiancee and tells them that he was thinking about them? Yikes, so scary. Perry, thank you so much for your kindness, truth of awareness, and making yourself so vulnerable so I can learn too. It means more than you will ever know. I promise to be safe.

Sending you many hugs,
Terri

 

[ulualoha]

Date: 8/26/2007 12:08:33 PM
Author: luckystar112
I wouldn''t send it back. You both are married now...life has moved on. (Besides his random emails.) By sending it back, you are acknowledging him, and that could make it worse. He could take it one of two ways: 1) You see it ''his'' way now and want to be friends. 2) You are rubbing it in his face. Either way....not good. Plus, he''ll know where you live by your return address.

I think it''s better to just continue ignoring him.


I''d put the diamond in a pendant and consider yourself even.

Hi Luckystar112,

Thank you for taking the time to respond to my post. I agree with what you are saying...and you know what, I think you are right. I am leaning towards selling the darn thing or making it into what I will call my Freedom RHR. There have been so many gorgeous halo rings that I have seen here on PS, it makes me want one too! My hubby would kill me if I ever changed the ring he gave me for our engagement...so this would be the perfect chance for me to do it. I need to do some soul searching about it. I thank you for taking the time to write me...it means so much to me. I hope you are doing well and I wish you a wonderful evening!

ulualoha

 

[ulualoha]

Date: 8/26/2007 12:10:34 PM
Author: KimberlyH
I''d eat the cost and send it back, without a doubt.

Hi KimberlyH,

Thanks for taking the time to respond to my posting. Unfortunately I no longer know where he lives. I have been out of touch with him since 2004. He has emailed me several times but I chose to ignore his emails. He got remarried so I really have no idea where they settled down and I kind of don''t want to know too if you know what I mean? I don''t want to encourage anything from him. Everyone has given such great suggestions, I have a lot to think about. Thanks so much again for your advice.

ulualoha