My coworkers premie baby

[radiantquest]

She was about 23 weeks prenant and she went in for a normal checkup and they relaized that the baby was in destress, her blood pressue was way high and the baby was smaller than it should have been. I found this out last wednesday. They told her to be on bed rest for a week, then they changed it to bed rest until she delivered. The baby wasn''t getting enough blood so they took her baby last night at 7:23. I just found out this morning. I feel so bad for her. She has been so excited about this baby. She has had the nursery set up since her first sonogram. I can''t imagine what she must be going through wondering what is going to happen. The baby is 1lb 9 oz. That is smaller than the palm of your hand isn''t it?

The other day we went to lunch together and she was saying that she wished she could leave working until she has the baby. Her appointment was that afternoon. I know that is not what she meant by not returning to work until after the baby, but I can''t imagine what she must be thinking. I am sure a little part of her feels like she jinxed it.

Our information is a little spotty. No one really wants to call her and bug her for information since she is keeping us posted. I am going to get together with everyone and send her flowers or something. What should the card say though. Congratulations? Sorry? I have no idea.

 

[fieryred33143]

Definitely *not* sorry. This 1lb9oz bundle of pure happiness is her baby and should be congratulated.

I''m not sure if sending flowers is a good idea but can''t decide how I feel about it. Perhaps the card should read Congratulations on Baby X. We are keeping your family in our thoughts. ??

 

[neatfreak]

I don't know that Congratulations is in order right now...if that baby is really 23 weeks unfortunately it probably won't make it. And if it doesn't and she gets a congrats card it might make her feel worse KWIM?

But at 1lb 9oz are you sure it was only 23 weeks? That sounds big for a 23 weeker. The bigger the baby the better it's odds of survival so that's good at least.


If you send anything I would send a meal and a thinking of you card personally. It's a hard situation to be in on both sides of the fence. Maybe someone else here who has gone through it can give you more advice.

My mom said when she was losing (and eventually lost) my infant brother the best thing people did was send a thinking of you card and a meal or something like that. The worst thing was when people were silent-she said she felt like a pariah.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 12/29/2009 11:25:27 AM
Author: neatfreak
I don''t know that Congratulations is in order right now...if that baby is really 23 weeks unfortunately it probably won''t make it. And if it doesn''t and she gets a congrats card it might make her feel worse KWIM?

That''s why I can''t decide if sending flowers is a good idea right now or not.

I like the idea of a meal and a card.

 

[Mara]

Ditto Fiery re: not saying sorry. You could potentially just call and ask the main nurse how things are going before sending anything if you are unsure what to write. Well wishes are in order though, regardless of the circumstances.

How is the baby doing? I thought that 24 was the viability mark. Poor little baby, I hope that he/she pulls through.

 

[TravelingGal]

No, not congratulations. I agree with the Thinking of You sentiment.

I''m so sorry to hear this!

 

[qtiekiki]

Date: 12/29/2009 11:30:17 AM
Author: TravelingGal
No, not congratulations. I agree with the Thinking of You sentiment.

I''m so sorry to hear this!

Ditto.

Our cousin gave birth to her twins at 20 something weeks; they were both a little over 1lb, and they didn’t make it. I know the situations are not exactly the same, but your co-worker is probably incredibly worried and stress. I think it’s best to give her some space and let her keep you guys posted. It’s nice to let her know that you guys are thinking of you.

Praying for her baby to pull through.

 

[Blenheim]

Gosh, I''m sorry to hear this. I think that the meal and a thinking of you card sounds like a good idea.

 

[Rachel9]

You got great advise radiantquest, since she's keeping you posted I'd let her know that I'm avail for anything she may need, at this point prob support. My nephew was born at 24 weeks [preeclampsia] 1.5 lb and 16" long.. you'll be surprised how resilient these special babies are, He's here and that's the most important part

 

[meresal]

Date: 12/29/2009 11:25:27 AM
Author: neatfreak

But at 1lb 9oz are you sure it was only 23 weeks? That sounds big for a 23 weeker. The bigger the baby the better it's odds of survival so that's good at least.

I am 23 weeks, and am supposedly just over a pound now. I was 11 oz two weeks ago.

If the baby was measuring on schedule, I would say she is more along the lines of 24 or 25 weeks, hopefully.


I 'think' that I like the "Thinking of you card". Then maybe a congratulations card if and when the baby is moved out of ICU?

 

[radiantquest]

I am not exactly sure of the weeks she was at, I just remember that she was in her 20s. They said that they baby wasn''t as big as it should have been and that was the red flag. I don''t know how much smaller he is than he was supposesd to be. I spoke to my boss about it and all my coworkers and we agree that we would like to send something. My boss said for us to contact her husband and see what she is allowed to get and go from there.

I hope and pray that he makes it. She would be so devastated. I honestly don''t think that she would recover if he died.

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 12/29/2009 11:59:59 AM
Author: radiantquest
I am not exactly sure of the weeks she was at, I just remember that she was in her 20s. They said that they baby wasn't as big as it should have been and that was the red flag. I don't know how much smaller he is than he was supposesd to be. I spoke to my boss about it and all my coworkers and we agree that we would like to send something. My boss said for us to contact her husband and see what she is allowed to get and go from there.


I hope and pray that he makes it. She would be so devastated. I honestly don't think that she would recover if he died.

Well the *good* news then is if the baby was smaller than they thought he/she would be then I really doubt she was at 23 weeks. Probably closer to 26 or 27 weeks which would make the situation a lot less grim. Still very stressful, but the baby's chances of surviving would jump dramatically.

I still am sticking with my first advice though. And then when the baby comes home out of the NICU send her a congratulations and a meal or something.

 

[ChinaCat]

A co-worker just went through this, though not as little as your friend.

We sent her a card and a gift certificate to a restauarant that delivers close to her house. Saw her yesterday and she was so grateful. She is spending 24/7 at the hospital and the last thing she and her DH want to think about is food.

Definitely send a meal or a GC for a meal and a card that just says "thinking of you and your family".

 

[MustangGal]

I had 2 employees deliver preemies about that time frame (25-26 weeks). The one that was 1lb 3oz didn''t make it, but the one born at 1lb 5oz is now 2 years old. So the chances are pretty good for her baby as long as there aren''t other health issues. I agree with a "Thinking of You" card.

 

[Steel]

Date: 12/29/2009 12:22:33 PM
Author: ChinaCat
A co-worker just went through this, though not as little as your friend.

We sent her a card and a gift certificate to a restauarant that delivers close to her house. Saw her yesterday and she was so grateful. She is spending 24/7 at the hospital and the last thing she and her DH want to think about is food.

Definitely send a meal or a GC for a meal and a card that just says ''thinking of you and your family''.

This is very thoughtful ChinaCat; great idea.

 

[drk]

I definitely agree with the "Our thoughts and prayers are with you" kind of card. And either gift certificates to places that deliver or even making arrangements to drop off some homemade meals for her and her husband. Cooking will be the last thing they''re thinking of.

Hopefully she was closer to 28 weeks after being on bedrest for a while. If the baby was behind on growth, it''s possible that she was at least a couple weeks past viability. And I''ve heard that babies that are stressed in utero (by things like bad hypertension) tend to do better than babies that aren''t. I''d also guess that she got a couple doses of steroids before delivery since they''d been watching her and intending early delivery for a while, so that should improve the baby''s chances too.

If people are generous enough, it might be nice to send along another gift certificate every now and again, so show that she hasn''t been forgotten. If anyone''s particularly close to her, even an offer to clean a couple bathrooms, vacuum, or do a couple loads of laundry might be greatly appreciated. I''m not sure how I''d feel about letting friends do that sort of thing for me though were I in her situation, but a couple gift certificates for something like Molly Maid might not be bad?

 

[MichelleCarmen]

I''m so sorry about your co-worker

To add to the ideas, what about sending along, in addition to the meals, some high nutrition snack foods like Odwalla bars. I''m not sure if that would be appropriate, but having something simple to grab and eat which keeps strength up may help her?

My thoughts go out to her family. How heartbreaking.

 

[Mara]

that is a good idea MC.. or even snacky foods to keep on hand.

like the others, I am hoping she was farther along than the 23 estimated...esp if he was almost 2 lbs.

 

[Bella_mezzo]

it''s a tough situation and my heart goes out to your coworker.

A thoughtful card and a gift certificate to somewhere that delivers to the hospital would probably be very appreciated.

 

[icekid]

rq- what a tough situation! I second MC''s idea about Odwalla bars or the like, something she can take with her to the hospital. My thoughts to her little guy!

Mara- 23/24 weeks is where a fetus has potential viability, but most 24 weekers do not make it.

 

[Clio]

Radiantquest, I''m sorry.

My colleague is going through this right now. His daughter was born in September at just under 23 weeks and 15.5 ounces. She''s now over 3 pounds and doing better every week. They still have a very long road ahead of them, though.

He has indicated that the most helpful thing was just knowing that we were thinking of him and his family. He also said the best response was to celebrate his beautiful daughter with him. Yes, things were (and still are) tough for him and his wife with such a tiny, tiny baby facing nearly impossible odds. However, he loves her so much, and sees her as a blessing. So, definitely congratulations rather than I''m sorry! (at least from his perspective; of course others in this situation may feel differently)

My best thoughts and prayers are with your coworker.

 

[miraclesrule]

My vote is the "Thinking of You".

How very sad and tragic. I know what you are going through. Our co-worker lost her baby at five months to a genetic disorder that was supposed to be a one in a million genetic glitch. She got pregnant again and the new baby had the same genetic disorder and she knew that if she carried to term the baby would likely die within hours. She was so brave. Her daughter lived for six weeks after a full term pregnancy. I can''t even begin to imagine the depth of her pain. I could not attend the funeral. I just couldn''t.

My prayers go out to you and your friend. Lots of prayers to all of you.

 

[honey22]

Ditto the thinking of you. I certainly wouldn''t send a sorry card, while this is probably the hardest thing she has ever gone through, it''s still her bundle of joy that''s here, albeit dangerously early.

It''s good to keep in mind, that technically a baby is medically viable at 23 weeks, and some babies do survive, so there is a chance. Keeping my fingers crossed for your friend.

 

[plantationcatt]

My vote for food and a "thinking of you" card. Preferably not food in a dish she''ll feel obligated to wash, keep track of and return.

 

[AmberGretchen]

Date: 12/30/2009 12:43:44 PM
Author: plantationcatt
My vote for food and a ''thinking of you'' card. Preferably not food in a dish she''ll feel obligated to wash, keep track of and return.

Ooh - good point plantationcatt - definitely don''t want to burden them with keeping track of an extra dish right now. I like the idea of a GC to restaurant near them that delivers - they are likely spending most of their time at the hospital now, and don''t want to be bothered with any of that. I also think that anything that shows them you are thinking of them at this difficult time will be well-received - I think they really will appreciate the gesture of support.

I also agree with those who said that 1 lb 9 oz doesn''t sound like a 23-weeker to me, definitely sounds farther along, especially if the baby was on the small side.

FWIW, I used to work with a neonatologist in my lab, and he said his threshold for giving parents hope was 24 weeks, so hopefully since your co-worker sounds like she was farther than that, things will turn out well. Thoughts and prayers going out to her and her husband for sure though.

 

[lauralu]

I agree as well. A I am thinking of you card and a food or coffee gift cert would be a very good idea. My brothers baby spent 3 months in the NICU before going home. Coffee, food, gas cards was what they really needed at the time.

If the baby is small, but she was farther along that makes odds better. Small is one thing. How far along is another. Even 23 weeks and 3 days is better than just 23 weeks. Days even hours make a big difference with preemies. They probly gave her steroids as well to help with lung development.

Did she have a boy or girl? Girls do much better than boys do, which is a scientific fact with preemies. Can't remember exactly why that is though.

My 12 year old niece was born at 23 weeks. She weighed 1lb 9 oz. and was 11 1/2 inches long. her head measured 7 inches around. She spent 3 months in the NICU and another week in the regular room and was sent home.

Other than a few operations for her eye site and some learning issues that make it difficult in school at times. She is perfect.

I hope her baby does well and I feel your pain. It is difficult all around.

 

[Blackpaw]

hey RQ, just checking in to see how the baby is doing? hope the new year is working some magic for him/her...

 

[sparklyheart]

The last research I read (which was probably about a year ago), 50% of 23 weekers live and the chances go up every week after that.

I think something along the lines of "thinking of you" or "praying for you and your baby''s strength" are good. I know I am a few days late to this thread but I wouldn''t send flowers.. Mainly because she is probably spending a lot of time at the hospital and not at home so she won''t really see them.. Also it''s another thing to clean up later and she probably won''t want to do that right now. I would put everyone''s phone number (if they are willing) and a message like "let us know if you need help mowing your lawn/picking up dry cleaning/running whatever random errand" because like i said, most of her time is probably spent at the hospital and not at home focusing on other tasks. I used to work in the NICU and parents frequently talked about how nothing got done at home while their baby was in the NICU.

Keep us updated on how the baby is!! I''m praying for your coworker and her little one!

 

[radiantquest]

She went home on Saturday and so far the baby is stable. They said that he is of course hooked up to a bunch of machines because he cant breathe on his own, but they expected that and that he is getting stronger. I don''t think that there is the risk of losing him anymore he is just still very small and not quite ready to go home.

 

[Bella_mezzo]

RadiantQuest, Thanks for the update! I''m sure it is still heartbreaking and very difficult for them, but that''s great that he''s stable!!!