More News! and is this selfish???

[princesss]

Is there anything after "this year" ?

Honestly, Nicoleben, I'm not sure why you seem to be shocked. You asked a question ("Is this selfish?") and you got answers. That's not people being "debbie downers", that's them trying to help you get exactly what you came for - perspective.

 

[Clairitek]

I finally made it through this thread. Nicoleben, would you mind using more capitalization, punctuation, and spacing? Its very tough to get through your posts. I know posting on PS is sort of like having a conversation, but walls of text are intimidating to get through.

I'm not at all surprised that you are backtracking now that everyone has pointed out that yes, your thoughts and feelings about this whole situation are selfish. Of course no one wants to hear that sort fo thing so I guess I don't blame you for wanting to take it all back. But, you've already said it so we already know how you feel.

We aren't being debbie downers with our advice, we are just trying to help you get some perspective. Sure, if a friend of mine had been together less time than me and my husband and gotten engaged before us I might have felt a twinge of jealousy but then I would have pushed it aside and never uttered a word about it anyone. All relationships move at different paces and one thing I've learned through the process of meeting DH, getting engaged to him, and then marrying him is that you absolultely CANNOT compare your relationship to others. You CANNOT demand something from your BF based on other relationships.

So what if they plan their wedding for the same month as yours? There are four weekends in that month, you know. I bet in the end you will be glad to have someone to vent about planning with. Its wonderful that your MIL wants to be involved, and will probably be involved with planning your FSIL's wedding too. The really big, time consuming decisions are up to you and your BF, likely not your MIL. I'm sure she can manage to help with both weddings and still make you feel like a special special FDIL.

I'll leave it at that because I'm sure that this is a lot of repeat advice. Just know that if you post a rant/vent about something that is irking you and ASK FOR ADVICE AND THOUGHTS at the end of it, you WILL get that and its likely that not everyone is going to agree with you. Its not very fair to get upset with people after they respond in a "debbie downer" manner since you did in fact ask for advice in the first place. There have been times when I've vented here or in other places about things relating to my wedding and not everyone has patted me on the back and told me I was right to feel that way. When people disagreed with me, I certainly didn't get upset about it.

 

[nicoleben]

I know where ur coming from.. and everyone else for that matter. but i just find people to be plain rude..

Theres such thing as being nice and saying yes ur being immature.. or just plain being rude. I know i dont know anyone personally, and sometimes its hard to come across through typing, emotions and all u know what i mean, but POSITIVE criticism is fine with me. I actually learn more that way... I did learn through this post, and i have always known, that marriage isnt a race, and i know its not.. If they planned on getting married before us, thats perfectly fine with me.. more power to them.. but the same month would just be complete HAVOC. I know his mother. I would have gladly pushed the date furthur in the year or beginnig of the following year if this was the case. I admit that i was being stubborn and selfish by saying " this is the month im getting married and im upset if she wanted hers in the same month" but.. would it really be a big deal if i pushed mine to a later date? my boyfriends ..soon to be fiance, isnt going anywhere.. Plus, all the more special the day would be if i wasnt so stressed about it..

and the "if they get engaged before us " bit that i had written, It was more for my boyfriend to get his ass in gear and get on it. lol. he already has the date picked out and will be before summers end.. Thats soon! we have the ring.. its just waiting for the right day .. and i totally understand that..

Like i said before, i think i was a little ticked at first, but as i got the response from everyone, it simmered me down and put my eyes in a diffferent perspective, and i can honestly say its from the posts by people who give positive criticism..

 

[Clairitek]

I think we were posting at the same time.

I'm glad to see that you're simmering down and gaining some perspective.

 

[damons]

When we communicate on the computer, there is no tone involved, so people read it with the tone that they assume you have. This can complicate things, and people don't always read messages in the way they were intended. I think that is what happened with your post.

This is my advice to you. Take a deep breath and try to relax. You know you are very close to being engaged to the man you love. Enjoy this time of your life because you will never get it back. I proposed to my partner 3 weeks ago and I loved everything about it. I loved the anticipation of the proposal, and I LOVE being engaged. It feels different and wonderful. Now, we are planning our wedding and I am loving every ounce of that as well.

This is a very exciting time in your life. Make the best of it and have fun.

 

[nicoleben]

I am definately looking at it in a different perspective and I thank, and i mean i reallly and truly THANK the people who made me realize that. We enjoy every minute together, except he got a little upset that i was oogling Chuck wicks last night at a local bar (hes a country music singer, we had a meet and greet and we know the owners of the bar he performed at so we got to really get to know him after everything!!) BUT OTHER THAN THAT we had a great time and always do. Im just so excited for the future!

 

[princesss]

I didn't see anybody being mean. I think Damons' point is right on - any tone any of us are reading in a post comes from us, not the poster. We're all trying to be helpful and constructive.

Anyways, I'm glad that you're figuring things out. There's nothing wrong with pushing your date out if that's what you want to do, I think that's the best way to manage it if you're really stuck on the idea that you can't get married in the same month. A friend of mine just got married two weeks after her little brother - you can see her new SIL's tan from her honeymoon in all of the pictures, and everybody looks thrilled. Was it a little tough for the new SIL to plan a wedding, take a honeymoon, then fly halfway across the country for a wedding? Probably. But you'd never know it from the pictures - all I saw in my friend's pictures was pure joy on all four of their faces. I'm sure it'll be the same for you if you do both end up getting married in September.

 

[onedrop]

Nicoleben: I was on the flip side of your situation. My best friend (at the time) met her now husband slightly before I met mine and she was engaged about 6 months before me, but as fate would have it our wedding dates were within a couple of weeks of each other. There are a lot of other layers to my story, but the one that applies in this case is that I think she was actually jealous that our wedding dates were so close together. And her actions after finding out about my wedding date essentially torpedoed our friendship. I was actually looking forward to us wedding planning together and helping each other out, but unfortunately things did not work out that way. My wedding date was not set to compete with her or try to upstage her big day. DH and I had very little choice when setting our wedding date because we had time constraints to consider when making our plans. My now ex-best friend was aware of our dilemma but apparently that made no difference to her. Her actions were petty and hurtful and to this day she has never really apologized for any of it which is why she is an ex-best friend.

The point I am trying to make is that in situations like this, you need to look outside of yourself without making assumptions about another person's intentions and consider the other person's feelings and circumstances. Surely your future SIL is not trying to be contentious in wanting a September wedding date for next year. It very well may be that she has always desired to be married in the month of September so why fault her for that? Or, she may have some other reason for choosing September that you are unaware of. Either way, if you want to maintain a good relationship with her please try to be more understanding. It's that simple.

 

[nicoleben]

Nicoleben: I was on the flip side of your situation. My best friend (at the time) met her now husband slightly before I met mine and she was engaged about 6 months before me, but as fate would have it our wedding dates were within a couple of weeks of each other. There are a lot of other layers to my story, but the one that applies in this case is that I think she was actually jealous that our wedding dates were so close together. And her actions after finding out about my wedding date essentially torpedoed our friendship. I was actually looking forward to us wedding planning together and helping each other out, but unfortunately things did not work out that way. My wedding date was not set to compete with her or try to upstage her big day. DH and I had very little choice when setting our wedding date because we had time constraints to consider when making our plans. My now ex-best friend was aware of our dilemma but apparently that made no difference to her. Her actions were petty and hurtful and to this day she has never really apologized for any of it which is why she is an ex-best friend.

The point I am trying to make is that in situations like this, you need to look outside of yourself without making assumptions about another person's intentions and consider the other person's feelings and circumstances. Surely your future SIL is not trying to be contentious in wanting a September wedding date for next year. It very well may be that she has always desired to be married in the month of September so why fault her for that? Or, she may have some other reason for choosing September that you are unaware of. Either way, if you want to maintain a good relationship with her please try to be more understanding. It's that simple.

I totally understand that situation, and in the posts before i wouldnt care to move my date if it came down to it. everyone deserves their special day. September was special to me.. my birthday, when we met, itll b a year from the engagement, it fit well.. Thats why i think i got so upset, well not overly upset, but it got under my skin. I never spoke to her about before, but i wanted to see how i should handle the situation, should it happen. I thank u for the advice, and hope that she will be just as excited as me to be planning our wedding. Thank u again!

 

[PrincessNatalie]

Lol, I would completely avoid the entire month of October because I wouldn’t want Official Anniversary + Birthday in the same month. I already share October with my best friend, sister, dad and current dating anniversary. And mine is last so never really gets too much attention and is always an after thought.

We picked our dating anniversary although it is actually closer to this time of the year we started “hanging out”, around october is when we went official and started calling each other BF and GF.

It will be as far away from October as possible

 

[slg47]

nicole, you have a right to be upset...but i'm sure it will all work out! it's totally fine to react when you think you have everything planned out. Just know that soon you will be married to the man of your dreams and you AND your FBIL/FSIL can both have stunning weddings.

 

[merilenda]

Lol, I would completely avoid the entire month of October because I wouldn’t want Official Anniversary + Birthday in the same month. I already share October with my best friend, sister, dad and current dating anniversary. And mine is last so never really gets too much attention and is always an after thought.

We picked our dating anniversary although it is actually closer to this time of the year we started “hanging out”, around october is when we went official and started calling each other BF and GF.

It will be as far away from October as possible

I can identify there. My birthday is the week of Christmas, FI's birthday is the week of Thanksgiving, and FMIL's birthday is New Years Eve. The holiday season is busy and EXPENSIVE. We are staying as far away from that time of year as possible....even though sometimes I do want a winter wedding.

 

[Dreamer_D]

My DH has a female cousin, lets call her Mary, who got engaged in May 2007 and then very soon after planned her wedding for June 2008. It was planned to be a local wedding with a lot of guests.

In September 2007, my DH's male cousin, let's call him Joe, got engaged and planned his destination wedding for June of 2008 as well, two weeks before Mary's wedding. He was a cousin of Mary's too, all the same side of the family, and so the same family would be at Mary's wedding and some would be at Joe's (his parents and sister only). In fact, Joe and his fiance would not be able to go to Mary's wedding because they were on their honeymoon.

Mary was livid over this, she though Joe was stealing her thunder and purposely trying to upstage her by planning his wedding for a date so close to hers. She thought that she owned that month because she planned it first. She is still upset about it to this day, and on her wedding day talked about it on a few occassions to anyone who would listen, because Joe and his wife were not present.

And let me tell you, we all thought she was ridiculous, immature, and petty.

So if you harbour these feelings of ownership or jealously over a date for your potential future wedding, then keep them to yourself. Do not tell your bf, do not tell your in laws, and for goodness sakes do not tell your bf's brother and his girlfriend. Word will get out and your future family will not forget what a silly young woman you were being. You don't want that reputation! Trust me! If it matters to you, then quiety decide to have it in another month and leave it at that.

 

[nicoleben]

oh yes i totally agree with that dreamer. I would def move my wedding date if it was that big of an issue with me... love his family to death and would not want to cause an uproar. Im actually the quiet one out of everyone.. so i would NEVER talk about anyone behind their back or anything like that. But i did vent on here only because i know u ladies are not a part of the family, and u dont know me to judge lol...

i will def keep it to myself.

 

[Amber St. Clare]

Well, I'm glad you are back tracking because when I began reading this thread you came off as extremely entitled.

 

[nicoleben]

Well, I'm glad you are back tracking because when I began reading this thread you came off as extremely entitled.

yea i know, my bad, but we all have downfalls right?

 

[onedrop]

I totally understand that situation, and in the posts before i wouldnt care to move my date if it came down to it. everyone deserves their special day. September was special to me.. my birthday, when we met, itll b a year from the engagement, it fit well.. Thats why i think i got so upset, well not overly upset, but it got under my skin. I never spoke to her about before, but i wanted to see how i should handle the situation, should it happen. I thank u for the advice, and hope that she will be just as excited as me to be planning our wedding. Thank u again!

You know if September has a lot of meaning for you, then why not continue with the plan to have your wedding during that month? I am sure that if you all work together and communicate clearly things will turn out fine even if your future BIL/SIL get married in the same month and year.

 

[nicoleben]

i mean its possible.

 

[FrekeChild]

Why can't you have it at the beginning of the month and her have it at the end of the month? Like September 3rd and 24th. They would be three weeks away from each other, which is plenty of time to recover and prepare for another wedding. IMHO of course.

I always wanted to get married in September or October. We ended up getting married in January, which is great, but not what I wanted. Schedules are a b!tch sometimes...

 

[Dreamer_D]

For us we ended up choosing our wedding date because it was the only available day for the venue we wanted... sometimes things you don't expect just come up! I think it is best to keep flexible with these things. There are so many things to plan in a wedding and you never know what will come up.

 

[lilyfoot]

Why can't you have it at the beginning of the month and her have it at the end of the month? Like September 3rd and 24th. They would be three weeks away from each other, which is plenty of time to recover and prepare for another wedding. IMHO of course.

I always wanted to get married in September or October. We ended up getting married in January, which is great, but not what I wanted. Schedules are a b!tch sometimes...

Seriously, we ended up getting married on a random Monday in April, not October as we had originally planned. I got to marry the man of my dreams, and that's all that truly matters!

nicoleben: I think the thing you have to keep in mind is that your FSIL is just as excited to be marrying her BF, as you are to be marrying yours, KWIM? Just like you have ideas about the date, theme, colors, whatever about your wedding, she has those same ideas also. As long as she's a reasonable person, I think it's actually great that you are getting engaged around the same time, it could be a great opportunity for you to grow closer to her!

 

[nicoleben]

yes lily, ur right, she is just as excited. And after this whole speel on here i came to realize it could be a good thing.

 

[Nashville]

I was going to give my 2 cents, but Lilyfoot nailed it. It's so easy to get caught up in the wedding and being "star of the day" that sometimes we forget... we are marrying the loves of our life and that's the most important thing!

 

[allycat0303]

Nicoleben,

It sounds like you're really frustrated with the whole process. And venting a little. It's ok. When you get frustrated, everything is an affront to your happiness, even if on every other day, you don't care that much about any of this. Even if you're both married in the same month, things will work out.

I remember my sister claimed a year. And I think the year before too. And the day of the wedding. It was all kind of crazy. But I did get married eventually, and now, one year post, I can't even remember the exact cirumstances.

 

[luckynumber]

yup.

it's quite selfish.

you knew that already, but you got all caught up in all the wedding hoo-haa. any other day, any other event, you wouldn't have wasted a vent on it, no?

i hold my hand up coz i've been there before myself.

glad you've got better perspective now, and i think you took the criticism well

 

[Amys Bling]

Nicoleben-

I think I am the one and only who understands you! I was/am in the EXACT same situation. Yes, I was upset when the future brother in law propsed first and my FI knew that. We are older, have been talking about it for waaaay longer, and dating longer. My FI was hurt that I was upset and his response was- we have a house and they don't, and I want to give you the ring you deserve at the right time..

...You can't help how you feel....

They are planning a wedding before us and when the thought that we might plan a wedding before theirs- the future sister in law had a bridezilla moment..... whatever, we are both getting married within 3 months of each other, planning two different types of weddings with two very different budgets.. The future MIL is thrilled and she knew it would happen this way since we are close in age and dating for a long time.

...oh and when I said my save the dates were going out only 8 weeks after hers.... she had a cow, fought with her FI, and then asked me to push back my date so everyone could get mine a few months later...

o well, in retrospect, and even as it's currently happening to me.... i take a deep breathe and plan what I want to plan. If you are engaged first, start planning, and if there are two weddings within 2 months, no one but the four of you and his family will be the ones to really care, so talk to his parents about it and his brother...

seriously, if you want to vent to someone- I am here for you because I am living it right now...

 

[nicoleben]

I am somewhat frustrated, but a lot calmer than i was a few days ago.

I know i will be engaged before her, and i do plan to send out invitations as soon as i know a date and venue.. and what works best for us.. I do understand that the day i want to get married may have restrictions and i probably will have to change things around, but im ok with that.

I was talkng to my boyfriends mom about everything today (we always spend sundays togetrher as a family) and she is so excited about a wedding, even though were not technically engaged yet. haha

Im sure everything will work out for u just as it will work out for me.. People claiming a whole YEAR is rediculous, in my mind... a month, maybe not so much.. but when it comes for a specific weekend, thats when i freak the heck out! lol

Goodluck! and def Keep in touch! its nice to relate with people in similar situations!..

 

[diamondbuggy]

Nicoleben, I totally understand how you feel. My BF and I have been together much longer than his brother has been with his GF so when I heard the news of their engagement I was definitely a bit jealous. I felt so sorry for myself I actually went to the bathroom to cry! Pathetic, I know. My first thought was "It should've been me first!". I know it's completely irrational and childish to think this way but these are valid feelings that you need to vent. I think the majority of people here have been very unfair towards you. This is supposed to be a place where LIW come to support each other, even when we're being silly. Sometimes you just need to say things that you can't say IRL and this is the place to do it.

Fortunately, in my case they are planning their wedding for April while mine will be in December. (At first this also upset me because their's was so much earlier! Haha. You can only laugh at yourself sometimes. I do it quite often. ) I have now come to realise it doesn't matter at all as long as I get to marry my SO at my dream wedding in December (It's summer here then!). I am also very happy for my FBIL/FSIL and wish them the best.

I hope everything works out for you! Have fun planning!

 

[Indylady]

This is supposed to be a place where LIW come to support each other, even when we're being silly. Sometimes you just need to say things that you can't say IRL and this is the place to do it.

LIW is not some kind of lala-land where you get to come and act like a baby.

Perhaps you're looking for Chuck-e-Cheese?

Diamondbuggy, I see that you're new. I'm not trying to scare you off, and I don't dislike you. Yes, being a LIW is fun, and it is nice to have a support system of other LIW.

But, I do not see LIW as a place to come and say the ridiculous things that one is too embarrassed to say in real life. Being a LIW is a serious prospect: we're talking about the responsibility of marriage, joining yourself, your soul, your families, your bank accounts, your debt, your name, etc. with another person. I see LIW as a place to discuss all of these things, and of course, rings and bands and venues, but I don't see it as a place to come and be silly and expect everyone to share in the temporary insanity that seems to come with the talk of an engagment ring.

 

[princesss]

This is supposed to be a place where LIW come to support each other, even when we're being silly. Sometimes you just need to say things that you can't say IRL and this is the place to do it.

LIW is not some kind of lala-land where you get to come and act like a baby.

Perhaps you're looking for Chuck-e-Cheese?

Diamondbuggy, I see that you're new. I'm not trying to scare you off, and I don't dislike you. Yes, being a LIW is fun, and it is nice to have a support system of other LIW.

But, I do not see LIW as a place to come and say the ridiculous things that one is too embarrassed to say in real life. Being a LIW is a serious prospect: we're talking about the responsibility of marriage, joining yourself, your soul, your families, your bank accounts, your debt, your name, etc. with another person. I see LIW as a place to discuss all of these things, and of course, rings and bands and venues, but I don't see it as a place to come and be silly and expect everyone to share in the temporary insanity that seems to come with the talk of an engagment ring.

Ditto. For me, support and enabling are not the same thing. When people go crazy, they're brought back down to Earth. When we say we're here to support each other, it's about helping keep each other sane, not tell them that it's okay to go crazy/put pressure on people/say rude things just because it's the internet and not our boyfriend we're saying it to. (Not saying the OP is doing this, just making a general statement.)