Moral ??--Do you tell someone their spouse is cheating?

[hairgirl95]

Wow, I have quite an issue on my hands. I really need some guidance on this. What would you do if you knew someone was cheating on their spouse? My reason for asking is really upsetting to me.

My older sister has been married for 5 years. She has been cheating on her husband since BEFORE they got married. I found out about her infidelity because she flat out told me. She called me one day and I guess just needed someone to talk to about it because she pretty much blurted out the entire sordid story. She has a "regular" boyfriend that she''s been sleeping with for 6 years. Theres been a couple of one night stands, and a couple of flings that have lasted a month or so. Its the long term boyfriend that seems to have the most impact on her though. In her mind, she really "loves" this guy. To make the whole situation worse, there is really no proof that either of her daughters are her husbands. She was really worried about the oldest daughter because she slept with both her boyfriend AND her husband within 24 hours of conceiving her. She contracted an STD from one of her flings, and tricked her husband with antibiotics so she wouldn''t have to tell him. She blamed it on one of the kids having strep throat and that they all needed to take meds to prevent them all from getting it. He totally fell for it. Her husband had absolutely NO CLUE what she has been doing. There is so many circumstances where she has almost gotten caught, and my dad is kinda on to her and suspects something is going on. My sister has no intention of leaving her husband. She is "I want my cake and eat it too". She has no intentions of giving up the infidelities either.

I am in a really bad situation with this. Because of what I know, I have to lie to the rest of my family when someone mentions they think something funny is going on with her. I have to look my bro in law in the face and know that his wife is screwing him over. My husband is repulsed and sickened by her actions. He now thinks that someone needs to tell my bro in law about what his wife is doing. My sister has not been real discreet with some of her friends and her boyfriends friends about their relationship. A couple of people who know about this situation actually know her husband pretty well.

What do I do? Part of me really wants my bro in law to know. Especially if the kids are not his. I would never tell him personally, it would be a more anonymous situation, as my entire family would totally disown me for not only knowing what big sis has been up to but for disrupting the family "harmony" by creating family drama. I really need some guidance here.

ETA--Given that I was cheated on by my ex-hubs and I was the last to know, I have to say that I would want to know if I were in that situation again. Theres nothing worse than the humiliation and pain of knowing those around you knew and never said anything.

 

[arjunajane]

Sheesh, hairgirl, you really are in a sh***y situation if you don't mind me saying so.
I really feel for you how difficult your position is.
This is such a tough one, to be honest I can't say I have an answer for you.
I am not going to judge your sis as no one really knows why people do the things they do, but risking her and her hubbies's health (and blaming it on the kids

) sounds like she has lost sight of her responsibilities to her family, imo.
I am the same as you - I feel whoever the person being cheated on deserves to know, and they can make their own mind up from there.
Have you encouraged your sis into counselling to decide why she is displaying such risk-taking behaviour? Do you know if she still loves her husband?
Do you think he has any clue at all, or is he blocking it all out? (I am thinking if your dad can see something fishy, how can husband not..?)

A couple of yrs ago, the g'friend of one of my Fi's closest mates allegedly cheated. They were in a very long-term r'ship and he is smitten with her. All of his mates knew, and there was a big dilemma of whether to tell him or no - they knew he would be heart-broken.
They are now happily married, and I am sure very much in love. Did he deserve to know? Yes. Was it his friends' place to tell him? In this case, no.
My Fi and his mates thought it was her responsibility to confess, otherwise they let sleeping dogs lie.

Now, your sisters' situation is very different, 1) she has children to think of. 2) the health risk issues of multiple partners.

I know this was probably not much help, I just wanted to voice my support and say I hope your sis finds her way.

 

[Skippy123]

I am so sorry you are going through this (I went through something similar with a friend that I ultimately stopped talking to because of it). Have you told her she needs to tell him and how it is effecting you and your family? It isn''t fair that she expects you to lie for her and I would tell her that. Do you think her husband knows since she sounds so blatant about the whole thing that he is in denial? I feel for you, it isn''t fair to you at all.

 

[bee*]

wow-what an awful position to be put in. I would talk to her and tell her how you''re feeling about it. Her poor husband.

 

[Rhea]

That''s a really hard situation. I can''t believe that she flat out told you and put you in that situation.

 

[D2B]

What a horrible situation to be put in. I can only try and put myself in the shoes of the husband. If my entire family knew/ friends knew and no-one told me I would feel so humiliated. It is so hard. why do we need to protect the cheater and let the poor husband suffer?

Could they be in an open relationship??

I would possibly tell my sister, that I dont condone her behavior and I cannot lie or cover up for her anymore as it impact you. If she chooses to play around she needs to be adult enough to face the consequences and stick up for her decision. I would let her know, that she should tell her husband (and yes, I feel you have a right to tell her this as she has involved you allready) and that if anyone asks directly/indirectly you will not lie for her anymore.

Could you leave an anonomouse letter to him in his mailbox, to open his eyes and if he wants to 'close his eyes' to the problem, than he can do so with his dignity in tact as he hasnt faced you or other family members personally. Oh, I dont know so hard. But I really do feel for the poor husband if he doesnt know anything. How terrible. I really dont know how I would handle it.

good luck
d2b
edited to add: assuming she doesnt open his mail??

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 8/8/2008 5:44:53 AM
Author: bee*
wow-what an awful position to be put in. I would talk to her and tell her how you''re feeling about it. Her poor husband.

I think I would do the same thing, before I did anything else. I told my boyfriend J about it, and his suggestion was to talk to your dad, and put it in the family''s hands.

 

[Pandora II]

The really vital thing here is that she is exposing herself and therefore him to STDs and potentially HIV or HepB or similar.

I would probably tell her that she''s got 6 months to clean up her act or you will inform her husband. By telling you what she did, she has made it your business.

I can''t stand people who behave in such selfish ways. Has she got no concept of what this could be doing to her children?

It''s one thing being in an unhappy marriage, meeting someone else and having a wild fling and realising you need to sort your life out and then doing so, but she is just f''ing around quite literally with a lot of people''s lives and happiness.

 

[LaraOnline]

These are my feelings only, take whatever is helpful:
This is a revolting situation, and by ''blurting'' the whole sordid story, your sister as enlisted you as an accomplice to her.

However, you probably should make it clear that you are not supportive of her actions.

The first thing you should do is talk directly to her. If it is clear that she will not immediately set about changing her attitudes and behaviour, you should confide in your parents.

Perhaps, if there is no other way of doing it, you could invite the man over to a family meeting, and tell him there is something very important that your sister needs to talk to him about...?

If you like this fellow, and want to be there as family support for him, you probably (as a group) should go out of your way to express this support, repeatedly. His life is in all likelihood going to be shattered.

Of course, it would be much better if, without drama or even confession, she could go to couselling, and then after a time if the pair of them could then be induced into couselling.

He needs to learn the truth - or something of the truth - in a carefully managed environment, for his own mental well being, and that of the children.
This man needs discretion, support, and truckloads of sympathy.

Of course, it is quite likely he will be unable to continue in relationship with your sister. I hope he gets through okay.

Some suspicious grandparents have been known to DNA test their grandchildren to ascertain biological parenthood. I don''t really advocate snooping, but there is also this avenue to consider...?

On no account is any blame to be accrued to you, (by either yourself or others) for being somehow ''involved'' in this situation. Sending you lots of good will, hey!

 

[allycat0303]

I think this is a really hard situation, so I will only tell you what I would do (even if it is not morally correct).

First off, I would have a straigth talk with her on protection.

Secondly, I would tell her that I don''t want to hear another WORD about these affairs. If someone of the family asks me "what is going on" I would make it my standard answer " I think X is going through some stuff, you should talk to her about it."

I wouldn''t tell her husband though, because in my opinon it is not your responsibility. I think it''s a decision that she must make on her own. I think it is a MUCH too big responsibiliy for you to take on. You will likely cause problems between your sister and yourself, and the rest of your family. This will lead to people taking sides etc. It would create a lot of problems for you.

Good luck!

 

[tanuki]

When she told you this information - did you agree to keep it confidential?

If you agreed not to tell her husband before or during the time you heard her confession of infidelity you shouldn''t now be able to decide on your own to breach confidentiality without her permission.

 

[CJ2008]

Wow...what a hard situation to be in...how tormenting. I would be so pissed that she confided in me - it''s a really delicate/private issue, and IMO, it''s selfish of her to have told you - unless she had been looking for help, wanted to STOP, and had nobody else to turn to.

I really like Lara''s suggestion that you tell her in no uncertain terms that you are NOT supportive of her actions.

I would probably tell her that she needs to go to therapy, that what she''s doing isn''t healthy, and she needs to find out the underlying reasons she''s living this way.

I might tell her that unless she starts going to therapy, I will start thinking about telling the rest of the family (i.e., your parents), so she can no longer hide. I wouldn''t tell her husband - unfortunately I don''t think that''s your place - but I might consider telling your parents. Breach of confidence either way, and I wouldn''t feel good about it...but maybe not being able to hide will shame her into doing the right thing.

 

[Maisie]

I would tell him. I have been cheated on too and only found out after lots of heartache. I would not want someone else to be made a fool out of.

Someone else made a good point.. are you sure they aren''t having an open relationship?

 

[fieryred33143]

I''m sorry but as much as you love your sister and as much as maybe your sister is awesome, no one is that good. She can''t possibly be cheating for 6 years (to a point where the family already *feels* something is funny with her) without her husband knowing or at least having a hunch over it. It''s possible that your BIL knows what''s going on, is in denial, and is going through whatever he needs to go through to figure out what to do.

If it were me...

I would talk to her about having to come clean. I would tell her about the possibility of contracting an STD. I would tell her that she needs to be out in the open with all of this so that her husband can make his own choice of staying or leaving. And then I would tell her that until she does this, I don''t want to have anything to do with the situation. I wouldn''t go around her, answer her calls, or visit her family. But I wouldn''t be the one to tell the husband. I know that to some of you, that may seem like a less than ideal solution but I''ve been there, done that and learned my lesson.

Good luck with everything!

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 8/8/2008 9:02:02 AM
Author: fieryred33143
I''m sorry but as much as you love your sister and as much as maybe your sister is awesome, no one is that good. She can''t possibly be cheating for 6 years (to a point where the family already *feels* something is funny with her) without her husband knowing or at least having a hunch over it. It''s possible that your BIL knows what''s going on, is in denial, and is going through whatever he needs to go through to figure out what to do.

If it were me...

I would talk to her about having to come clean. I would tell her about the possibility of contracting an STD. I would tell her that she needs to be out in the open with all of this so that her husband can make his own choice of staying or leaving. And then I would tell her that until she does this, I don''t want to have anything to do with the situation. I wouldn''t go around her, answer her calls, or visit her family. But I wouldn''t be the one to tell the husband. I know that to some of you, that may seem like a less than ideal solution but I''ve been there, done that and learned my lesson.

Good luck with everything!

BIG FAT DITTO.

I was cheated on for YEARS, and I "knew" the whole time. You almost convince yourself its not happening, but deep down, I guarantee he knows. He''ll confront her on it eventually. It kind of seems like your sister WANTS to get caught, so she will, and they''ll deal with it.

 

[phoenixgirl]

Yeah, it does seem like she wants to get caught. Maybe she wants out of the marriage now but doesn''t want to be the one who initiates it? Or maybe she is just addicted to drama and sneaking around.

I think I would tell her that I am not comfortable with her choices and will not lie to cover them up, so she had better tell her husband. Otherwise, when a family member asks me, I''ll answer honestly, and it will get to him quickly after that. That way you''ve given her fair warning. I wouldn''t do this just to be a jerk, but out of sympathy for her husband since you''ve been where he is, and mostly out of concern for your nieces who deserve to be raised in a stable, safe environment.

I really don''t understand how she could have been carrying on an affair when she got married. Not that any affair is good, but I can see how people would grow apart after many years and then turn to someone else in a moment of weakness. But I cannot see how you can be a functional person who is honest with yourself and go into your marriage with a boyfriend on the side.

 

[purrfectpear]

If it weren''t for the kids, I would probably be more inclined to get involved.

But, and this is a big BUT, this is not really about your sister, or her husband, or your feelings, or the boyfriend.

1. There is a marriage
2. There are two lovely girls
3. They have both a mom and a dad and so far, the kids lives are happy
4. One household is easier financially than two


If you tell this will likely be the result

1. There will be a divorce
2. There will be two hurt girls
3. They will have a mom and dad living in separate places, and their lives will be disrupted
4. There will be a negative financial impact

It''s about the girls. They deserve more. Their mom created this mess, but so far either the hubby doesn''t know or is living with it. These girls should not be the victims of her poor choices. It may end up blowing up anyway, but I would not want to be the one who started the ball rolling.

 

[elle_chris]

I would totally stay out of it. Her husband may know and still chose to stay for his own reasons.
I'd never, EVER get involved in breaking such horrible news to someone else's spouse. Just none of my business even if i do know.

 

[Erin]

Date: 8/8/2008 6:48:04 AM
Author: Pandora II
I would probably tell her that she''s got 6 months to clean up her act or you will inform her husband. By telling you what she did, she has made it your business.

I think this is great advice, whether you follow through or not. But maybe a shorter time frame. Say, look I can''t take lying for you anymore - I didn''t ask for this. You''ve put me in a tough spot. Tell your husband what you''ve been doing or find a way to clean this up and stop the affairZ or if you haven''t in two months, I''m telling your husband. It doesn''t mean you have to tell him. Just pressure her to do the right thing. Maybe she told you so you would hold her accountable?

 

[MonkeyPie]

I think the fact that she came right out and told you - without any excuses - means this lie is starting to weigh heavily on her and some part of her wants him to find out. There are lots of ways to keep cheating a secret, so the fact that so many people know the truth - and even your family has reason to suspect - means she wants him to know.

That''s my personal opinion.

Should you be the one to tell him? Well, think of this first - will she forgive you for telling him? Unless he tells her you spilled the beans, there are apparently several people that could have let him know, so it''s possible she will never know it was you. But how would you feel about it?

Again, my personal opinion - I''d tell him. There is no reason why doesn''t deserve to know, especially when she is risking his health and possibly does not have any biological children with him. If the kids are young, now is the time for him to decide if he wants to cut ties - the older they get, the harder it will be.

 

[Tuckins1]

Woah. That''s heavy. Personally, I would tell one of my friends if I knew that their spouse/SO was cheating, because I would want someone to tell me. But, this is your sister, so it''s a little different. I would go the route of the anonymous letter or something like that. There are children involved, and that''s not fair to involve them in such sordid things. Plus, she has already threatened her husband''s health and who''s to say that it won''t happen again and be something that''s not curable? What if she brought home HIV? Then both of the parents could potentially die and leave the children orphans.

Someone has to do something, and it''s sad that it might have to be her own family, but if that''s how it has to be... Oh well.

 

[wishful]

I would suggest she read this http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6020_needs.html book. Maybe you should read it too just to get an idea of how it can help.
My guess is your sister doesn''t think she has a problem here so she may not be willing to accept "help" but anyway, this book specifically addresses affairs, why they happen, how to fix them and repair a marriage that has been through one as well as how to prevent them from happening in the first place.

good luck, I''m sorry you are in such a terrible position.

 

[movie zombie]

i read your post but not the responses. i have been in a similar situation: a friend was cheating on her hubby who was also a good friend. they were both my friends separately before they met and became a couple..... then i was also friends with the person she was cheating with. the 4 of us would sit around and talk and then hubby would go upstairs. it got to a point where she was openly involved with the other guy in front of me after hubby went upstairs....not just outside the home. i was very clear with ther that if hubby ever asked, i''d tell him the truth. but he didn''t ask me until after they separated and she asked for a divorce.....to marry a completely different guy. the couple was having problems and hubby never asked: its my opinion he didn''t really want to know at that point in time. it made me sick to see but i just limited my time being around them.

you say the rest of the family asks questions so they''ve noticed something. if they''ve noticed, he''s noticed and doesn''t want to know. he may actually resent you''re bringing it up because now he''d have to do something about it. so, no, i wouldn''t say anything.

however, i''d tell her that the next time anyone asks you, you''re no longer going to lie. while you may not give all the details, you will no longer be a part of her deception but will state flatly that you believe it is possible she is having an affair or whatever it is. and be clear that if hubby asks you will be equally clear with him. tell her it is not up for discussion, that you have been a part of her deception and no longer will be, that she will need to take responsibility for her decisions , and that you are no longer her protector.

you have no obligation to cover for her, if asked, but unless asked, i wouldn''t open the door.

movie zombie

 

[Bliss]

Do you think it''s a cry for help? You poor thing, this knowledge must be hurting you very much. I know I would be heartbroken for my sibling and my BIW if I were in your shoes.

This kind of lifestyle can''t be good for your sister deep down. She is really hurting herself. I''m from the school that you can''t possibly have good self esteem and a solid night of sleep without a clean conscience. So she must be struggling from something internally. It could come out in different ways, binge eating, anger, passive aggressiveness, compulsive shopping...in addition to infidelity? Maybe there are issues within her marriage you might not be aware of?

If it were me, I would talk to her and dad. Get the family involved because this isn''t healthy for her and it seems like she''s heading toward some internal crisis. Perhaps couples counseling is in order? There are trust issues and communication issues... maybe she is "acting out" because of something hubby is or isn''t doing. Maybe she is just very unhappy with herself and needs to get lost in the "fantasy" of someone else.

I feel for you guys! You are an amazing sister. She is really lucky to have you.

 

[miraclesrule]

Hairgirl: Hugs to you because this sucks big time!

I personally believe that secrets of this nature, and almost all secrets, are evil. The very thought of someone expecting you to have to bear this secret is unimaginable. It's disgusting and selfish. I can't tell you some of the things I had learned about what friends have done to their spouses and it sickens me.

My sister was cheating on her busband too. She did NOT get the sympathtic ear that she thought she would from me even though I couldn't stand her husband. She's not divorced and married to the man she was cheating with (who was also married at the time and cheating on his wife with my sister). Me and my sister didn't talk for a very long time. I did not support her position, yet I did not feel the need to tell her husband. What I did fear was that her husband was so unstable that if he discovered the affair that it could possibly lead to a violent reaction, not only emotionally, but physically. Her life was at risk. I let her know in no uncertain terms how I felt about her actions and we never spoke about it again. We never really spoke much anyway, but it assured her that I was not the person to confide in about these things.

If I had to see her husband and her on a regular basis, it would have been very uncomfortable for all of us. But she lives across the country.

Additionally, my Father died from AIDS. The very thought that she is behaving in an unsafe manner...not even using protection for her husband is callous, naive and reprehensible. When I read stuff like this, it makes me scared to trust anyone and wants me to stay single forever. Her husband may be gullible and that is not necessarily a bad thing, because a lot of trustworthy peole are naturally trusting. Her deception could kill him.

OMG, I need to recuse myself from this thread, because this makes my blood boil. I wouldn't want to be in the vicinity of that woman's karma.

*HUGS* to you. But honestly, if I were you. I would tell her that you don't want to hear about it ever. And that if she even opens her mouth to tell you any sordid detail, you will immediately spill everything to her hubby. He won't want to believe it until he proves it to himself beyound doubt. I have known manner men who's wives cheated on them and they are still deeply scared and wounded as a result. They really didn't know, or deep inside just couldn't accept it. Maybe this will help you not have to hold on to evil secrets. This is why they are evil....it has now affected you and your life.

GRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR

 

[partgypsy]

Really a terrible situation.

I like Movie Zombie''s advice to tell sister that you will no longer lie if someone (including husband) asks. You didn''t ask to be involved in this way, and it is likely that you will suffer fallout from her consequences because of this complicity. This would bother me to no end.

I also like the suggestion that you tell her she has got 6 months to straighten up or you will tell husband.
However tempting I would not bring it upon yourself to tell the husband.

Your sister is being incredibly selfish and hurtful to the ones she "loves" (her husband and daughters). She is in denial as well, thinking she can have her cake and eat it too. I have known couples where one of the spouses cheated, came clean. They were able to go into therapy and work through it, but it took alot of work and commitment from both partners. She needs to think seriously about this and make some decisions.

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

I also wondered if her telling you is a cry for help--she hoping you will tell, and she can be outed. Maybe she wants to be caught--it might, in her mind, make her marital siutation more salvagable. She cannot possibly like how she feels--despite the excuses--unless she is completley morally bankrupt and I"ve give her the benefit of the doubt. Perhaps she is looking for help and guidance and perhaps she came to you b/c she thinks you can provide it.

I feel for you and honestly it is a sticky situation. Being nonjudgemental would be very difficult.

cheers--Sharon

 

[neatfreak]

I wouldn''t go out of your way to tell, but like MZ said, you NEED to tell your sister that you won''t actively be a part of the lie and if anyone asks you about it, you won''t lie for her.

Hugs to you honey. This is really a sucky situation...

 

[Independent Gal]

Date: 8/8/2008 5:02:18 AM
Author: arjunajane

I am not going to judge your sis as no one really knows why people do the things they do, but risking her and her hubbies''s health

OK, personally, I have no problem at all judging your sister. There are all kinds of reasons why people do extremely horrible nasty mean selfish b!tchy things, but that doesn''t make them any less horrible.

Also, it is quite different to make a ''mistake''... a one night stand and feel terrible about it, and to carry on for years with multiple partners in ''serious'' relationships. Her behaviour is appalling and she should be ashamed of herself. Yes, she probably needs ''help'' too, because to treat other people like pieces of garbage like that you really have to be a little off kilter, but that doesn''t in any way excuse it.

I''ve also been cheated on, and I would also like to know. However, I really don''t know if you should tell or not. It is such a tough one.

I think this is what I would do, because you should NOT be in a position where you have to LIE to cover up your sister''s behaviour. Tell your sister flat out that you will NOT lie for her, that you do not want to be around her while she continues this behaviour and that, while you won''t tell her husband, will take no steps to actually protect her either.

If family members start wondering about it, just excuse yourself from the conversation. That should send a message without you actually saying anything.

Tell her you can''t be around her husband because you feel ashamed to treat him with that kind of disrespect.

That''s what I have done in the past in these situations. Very obviously excused myself from a friendship. I know a man who slept with a friend of mine and it later turned out he was seriously dating his now wife, and I refuse to socialize with them because I couldn''t look her in the face knowing what he did to her. I would feel like I was involved in the deception.

I know she''s your sister, but that''s all the more reason you have to lay down the law and draw the line. REFUSE to be implicated in her despicable deceptive behaviour. She may need someone to bring her back to reality: that what she is doing will shatter her family sooner or later, that she is endangering their health, that she is being selfish and sick.

One thing to be VERY careful of: nobody is served by raising doubts about the kids dad. Mostly the kids would suffer for that. I think that part stays secret for their sake.

My 2 cts.

Something I feel very strongly about. We all have the capacity to choose the good. Sometimes, we fail. But when we fail, we stand up and take responsibility for what we''ve done. No excuses, even where there are explanations.

 

[diamondfan]

This is a tough situation in that you KNOW it is true and she is putting her husband at risk. Plus she has no regard at all for him, and wants the benefits of being married while going out on him behind his back.It is one thing if she is in a terrible marriage, meets someone and falls in love...then I say, get out of your marriage before pursuing anything. Here, she is just indiscriminately doing this, with whomever, and putting her husband's health at risk, which is almost criminal to me. Plus doing damage to him emotionally. He can't be that bad if she wishes to stay married to him.

She is also putting you in a bad spot as you now know and have to walk around knowing this, which is not fair to you. This is not like one time she strayed and it was years ago and she is not going to do something like this again...she is a serial cheater. And having been cheated on you have a sensitivity (rightly so) and it is really tough on you to be the recipient of this information.

I hate to tell you to turn on your sister, but no offense, she sounds like a pretty disgusting person to me. I think that is beyond vile to be in love with someone else, be sleeping around, getting STD's and lying to her husband...how can she live with herself?

I would have a frank discussion with her and plead with her to either stop or tell her husband and face the consequences. She should not be allowed to do this continually.