Lil Misfit|1354663139|3322612 said:There is one friend that I had a falling out with a few years ago, we worked it out a few months later, then just a couple of months ago it went bad again, so I ended it for good.
part gypsy|1354728656|3323208 said:Sometimes, a person is going through a difficult time, and they dump on the people closest to them, and then they get through it. Sometimes, a person has some negative personality characteristics, but have enough other good things about them, or interactions with you that it makes the relationship worth saving. Only you know where this person lies on the spectrum.
Sometimes, a thing you see as a loss, ends up not being such a loss. With my friend, I really missed her. Many times, I wanted to call her. I felt lonely. While I haven't "replaced" her (I didn't get a new best friend), I have been hanging out with a variety of people, mostly neighbors I like. I have had more time to do (and complete) projects that I value but were always on the back burner. Most importantly, as a side benefit I am getting along much better with my husband. The internet exchange that ended the relationship, was me finally expressing things I didn't like about our relationship, and what I did want out of our relationship (I have brought this up before, but it never "stuck"). One of the biggies, was that often when we hung out it would go into negative complaining territory (her about her boyfriend and other friends, me about my husband) for HOURS. I don't mind catching up, but I didn't like the way it monopolized everything. Anyways, her reaction was not pretty.
I'm not a perfect friend, and have been doing alot of self-reflection how I contributed to all this, and thinking about the kind of things I want in my life. If I could just pick out the good things in our friendship and discard the rest, I would do so in a heart beat. But I tried, and I couldn't do it. Unless she changes, I don't think it's possible.
But most important I honestly didn't realize how much having these "bitch sessions" were coloring how I viewed my husband. Since I've stopped having these conversations with former friend, the relationship with my husband has really improved became more close.
Begonia|1354729811|3323229 said:part gypsy|1354728656|3323208 said:.
But most important I honestly didn't realize how much having these "bitch sessions" were coloring how I viewed my husband. Since I've stopped having these conversations with former friend, the relationship with my husband has really improved became more close.
The parallels are spooky pg!
We also spend a huge part of our time together kvetching about one thing after another, my husband included (I take responsibility for that).
Everything that you just wrote has been weighing on my mind for some time now. Is being with this person bringing out the best in me?
I take full responsibility for what I said during those sessions...but should rethink putting myself with her if I'm not going to be the best person I can be to those around me. Hard to put into words...
Anyway, everything you wrote stuck a chord!
VapidLapid|1354759771|3323707 said:Talking to her, explaining your position, your feelings, whatever, these things are options only if you are hoping to save the relationship. Having her come to some realization of her effect or her toxicity, or anything is no benefit for you and only muddles the message and keeps you involved. Get what you want (which I think is to get out) and that's it. Drift apart without confrontation if confrontation will get you nowhere. Just phase her out. You don't need to have the satisfaction of telling her off. You don't need that satisfaction of seeing her comprehend her faults in things. Your only goal should be drifting away, as many friendships do, without further incident. That way the kids won't be stressed, might not notice, and if they really want to be friends they will be anyway. You are busy living your life, you do not have to be available to her. When you get to that place where there is nothing you want from her, or for her, she will have no power, and no effect.
AmeliaG|1354731797|3323269 said:Begonia|1354729811|3323229 said:part gypsy|1354728656|3323208 said:.
But most important I honestly didn't realize how much having these "bitch sessions" were coloring how I viewed my husband. Since I've stopped having these conversations with former friend, the relationship with my husband has really improved became more close.
The parallels are spooky pg!
We also spend a huge part of our time together kvetching about one thing after another, my husband included (I take responsibility for that).
Everything that you just wrote has been weighing on my mind for some time now. Is being with this person bringing out the best in me?
I take full responsibility for what I said during those sessions...but should rethink putting myself with her if I'm not going to be the best person I can be to those around me. Hard to put into words...
Anyway, everything you wrote stuck a chord!
This is really profound ladies.
I'm seeing a life coach who's encouraging me to re evaluate my relationships and move away from the ones that make it harder to be my best. His litmus test is what do I do for myself after being with them. Positive influences energize you and make it easier to do what is good for you. Negative relationships bring you down; after being with them, you're de energized and find it harder to do good things for yourself.
I realized that I had cut off a relationship like that. I had connected with this person through anger; both of us had a lot of pent up anger. Whenever we were with each other we fed each other's. anger I was always tired after being with her and my stomach was in knots.
I had to break it off. I don't think either of us were a good influence on each other. I think I learned and moved towards healthier friendships. I don't think she did; she was pissed at me for breaking it off.
Begonia|1354757915|3323675 said:As Amelia realized, I had connected with her through anger as well. At times I would try to steer it toward more positive areas, but inevitably it would end up back there. Maggie does angry and resentful better than anyone I know.
iLander|1354766063|3323805 said:I think you are all a bit too easily influenced.
AmeliaG|1354785427|3323922 said:iLander|1354766063|3323805 said:I think you are all a bit too easily influenced.
I think you're making a hell of a generalization about me based on what you've read here about ONE friendship that's been over quite a while.
iLander|1354800510|3324000 said:AmeliaG|1354785427|3323922 said:iLander|1354766063|3323805 said:I think you are all a bit too easily influenced.
I think you're making a hell of a generalization about me based on what you've read here about ONE friendship that's been over quite a while.
True, it is a generalization. I should have said "these friends were too much of an influence on you if they affected your feelings towards your SO's".
AmeliaG|1354804735|3324042 said:iLander|1354800510|3324000 said:AmeliaG|1354785427|3323922 said:iLander|1354766063|3323805 said:I think you are all a bit too easily influenced.
I think you're making a hell of a generalization about me based on what you've read here about ONE friendship that's been over quite a while.
True, it is a generalization. I should have said "these friends were too much of an influence on you if they affected your feelings towards your SO's".
Ah, now I think I see the disconnect. I didn't have an SO when I was friends with this person- my anger was of an entirely different variety.
Still, even in Begonia's and part gypsy's case, I don't think it's a matter of being too influenceable. Sometimes we get what we want in friendships even though what we want is not so good for us. in my case I wanted to have my anger validated without having to do anything constructive about it. I had to change what I wanted out of the friendship before I could realize i had to end it.
asscherisme|1354809478|3324146 said:I'm sorry this happened. This woman is NOT your friend. You are someone who entertains her when she feels like it.
I have had people like this in my past and it took my getting a bit older and building up my confidence and self esteem to see them for what they are, users. Insecure and need to put down others to feel better about themselves. Add a touch of instability and you can sum up people like that.
I have learned the hard way to not become close friends with my kids friends moms. It can get awkward at times when they try to persue friendships with me but I have been burned in the past and when the parent freindship falls apart, the kids friendship falls apart as well (or vice versa). So I do my best to maintain a cordial firendly aquantance type relationship with my children's freinds moms.
Please dont' get sucked in if she trys to get friendly with you again (and I'm sure she will).
I use to be a fan of Oprah and one of my favorite quotes from her (that I later learned was actually Maya Angelo) was:
"When people show you who they are, believe them".
I love, love that line and tell my kids that.
She has shown you who she is.