LIW #2 needs advice - please be gentle :(

[Sharon101]

My take is that you guys have been living with a great big elephant sitting on your sofa that you both pretend not to notice. But its there and you both know its there.

Meaning, what happened on that night was really big. It changed the course of (your) history and to go on like nothing happened is like living woth an elephant in your living room.

I dont know enough about your partner to know if this is his (passive) way of paying you back for (1) embaressing him infront of your family (2) putting the brakes on something he was looking forward to doing (3) you not appologising or discussing this to give closure etc etc. To me it feels abit like his strategy is to patiently wait till the length of time elapsed tells you that something is wrong, and he is waiting for you to realise this. I suspect that when you eventually bring up the topic, you will find that he is still licking his wounds.

Im sure he still loves you, but he probably wants you to innitiate the asking this time around.

On a lighter note, you could always make the engagement chicken~!!

 

[janinegirly]

I tend to agree with Sharon. I know you want to think everything is fine, it was just a little case of bad timing, but it may've become deep seated somewhere in his subconscious and led to resentment, or maybe just paralysis/inaction. Have you guys had a talk yet? Not just a surface one, but a deep honest one about how it made him feel (the Xmas aborted proposal) and how it has affected his feelings on proposing as result. And if what, if anything, will make things whole again (ie does he need you to be the one to step up now?). I mean if I put myself in his shoes, I think I'd be quite embarrassed and want to just pretend it's all fine, but on the other hand be hurt enough to not want to move forward for awhile. Much like Sharon says, a passive-aggressive way of punishing you back.

 

[havernell]

Date: 5/6/2009 1:02:48 PM
Author: news_girl
so I''m getting the strong feeling that he''s gun shy and needs to be reminded that I will accept anything, literally ANYTHING, he offers.

Rightly or wrongly, based on last Christmas you''ve already proven to him that you will NOT accept just "anything". So, why should he believe you now when you say you''ll accept "anything"?

I''m not saying this to be mean, but rather to point out that this is likely the crux of the problem. He may not trust you to not shoot him down again, even if you say you won''t. Actions speak louder than words, afterall.

Perhaps instead of him trying to think up a creative way to propose again or instead of you proposing to him, you could propose to each other over a heartfelt conversation. Basically, talk about getting engaged and then mutually decide you want to be engaged now. This is what my parents did, and while at first I thought it sounded like a cop-out on my Dad''s part, I now think it''s actually a lot more "equal" in terms of both partners having a say in the timing (rather than the guy deciding when the right time to ask is). This might be a solution for you two.

Good luck!

 

[purrfectpear]

Date: 5/5/2009 3:54:24 PM
Author:news_girl
... I will be selfish here and admit that I had hoped he would have some sort of plan, even if it just involved Chinese takeout at home on a Tuesday night.

...The one and only time we discussed it was the night it happened, when we agreed that it didn''t feel right. All I know is that it is now May and with each passing month, I feel more and more hurt.

...needs to be reminded that I will accept anything, literally ANYTHING, he offers.

Like Havernell said "Rightly or wrongly, based on last Christmas you''ve already proven to him that you will NOT accept just "anything".

It seems like he had a plan, but it was the wrong plan. He could have asked you in the privacy of your home the night it happened when you were discussing it but for some reason you guys didn''t?

Now you say anything is OK?

I''m with the others. Sit down and decide to be engaged and get the ring on your finger. Why does it have to be a big deal at this point? I feel like you''re still hoping and expecting for "the engagement story" complete with "special plan" and perfect romance? Maybe I''m reading it wrong?

Let us know what he says. I''m hoping you guys just mutually agree to go forward as an engaged couple and he doesn''t have the pressure to "plan" something all over again

 

[tlh]

I never told my DH how to propose. I did the backwards girl thing. I''d tell him about everyone else''s proposals. So another girl got engaged today... I''m still NOT... and then I''d critique it in my mini-mouse I''m not being judgemental sorta way.

I''d say - IT WAS PERFECT. *Sigh* It was at blag blah blah. Like melodramatic, swooning, weak at the knees hand to the head, I LOVE IT STUFF.

OR

I''d say - OMG (kind like at the beginning of sir mix a lot''s I like big butts) you''ll never BELIEEEEEVE HOW HE DID IT (in a disapproving judgemental tone) - then I''d tear it apart. As if he did that to me... to make it ABUNDANTLY CLEAR THAT was a BAD proposal idea.

Yeah I have a flair for the dramatic, but I ended up w/ a sweet, intimate proposal... that I ended up SPOILING! haha! He wanted it outside under the vineyard dropped w/ icicle lights, and I thought I''d get cold, so I chose to sit inside, and ended up getting hot in the rustic - 100+ year old historic home turned restaurant. HA! But eventually, it will happen... and yes, it felt like I was waiting F_O_R_E_V_E_R

You don''t have to do what I did. I''m just saying what works for me... and THAT is MY PERSONALITY. Do what works for you... but always remember open discussions work best. Best wishes!

 

[lucyandroger]

hey news girl, Is there an update? Did you speak to your BF? I hope everything is well with you.

 

[Haven]

Date: 5/7/2009 12:18:39 PM
Author: havernell

Date: 5/6/2009 1:02:48 PM
Author: news_girl
so I''m getting the strong feeling that he''s gun shy and needs to be reminded that I will accept anything, literally ANYTHING, he offers.

Rightly or wrongly, based on last Christmas you''ve already proven to him that you will NOT accept just ''anything''. So, why should he believe you now when you say you''ll accept ''anything''?

I''m not saying this to be mean, but rather to point out that this is likely the crux of the problem. He may not trust you to not shoot him down again, even if you say you won''t. Actions speak louder than words, afterall.

Perhaps instead of him trying to think up a creative way to propose again or instead of you proposing to him, you could propose to each other over a heartfelt conversation. Basically, talk about getting engaged and then mutually decide you want to be engaged now. This is what my parents did, and while at first I thought it sounded like a cop-out on my Dad''s part, I now think it''s actually a lot more ''equal'' in terms of both partners having a say in the timing (rather than the guy deciding when the right time to ask is). This might be a solution for you two.

Good luck!

I agree with Havernell--you made it clear that just any proposal won''t do when you stopped him mid-knee bend in front of your entire family. If you haven''t told him otherwise since that night, he is probably thinking that this is still the case. I imagine that a good, adult conversation about your future together and your expectations is in order here.

Good luck.

 

[KimberlyH]

Date: 5/11/2009 7:01:55 PM
Author: Haven

Date: 5/7/2009 12:18:39 PM
Author: havernell

Date: 5/6/2009 1:02:48 PM
Author: news_girl
so I'm getting the strong feeling that he's gun shy and needs to be reminded that I will accept anything, literally ANYTHING, he offers.

Rightly or wrongly, based on last Christmas you've already proven to him that you will NOT accept just 'anything'. So, why should he believe you now when you say you'll accept 'anything'?

I'm not saying this to be mean, but rather to point out that this is likely the crux of the problem. He may not trust you to not shoot him down again, even if you say you won't. Actions speak louder than words, afterall.

Perhaps instead of him trying to think up a creative way to propose again or instead of you proposing to him, you could propose to each other over a heartfelt conversation. Basically, talk about getting engaged and then mutually decide you want to be engaged now. This is what my parents did, and while at first I thought it sounded like a cop-out on my Dad's part, I now think it's actually a lot more 'equal' in terms of both partners having a say in the timing (rather than the guy deciding when the right time to ask is). This might be a solution for you two.

Good luck!

I agree with Havernell--you made it clear that just any proposal won't do when you stopped him mid-knee bend in front of your entire family. If you haven't told him otherwise since that night, he is probably thinking that this is still the case. I imagine that a good, adult conversation about your future together and your expectations is in order here.

Good luck.

I agree with those who agree with havernell, you told him "anything" wasn't good enough when you stopped him that night. And since then you haven't had any concrete discussions about what happened and how you are going to resolve the issue and move forward as an engaged couple. I'd get over the need for a proposal, tell him you are ready to move forward, and don't need anything but an agreement on his part that you are engaged, and go from there. No more waiting and hoping for a suprise, just two people who love each other moving on in their relationship.

And while you aren't obligated to tell your family anything, I think it's sorta crappy that you've allowed them to believe he backed out, not the other way around. I think you owe it to him to tell them the truth.

 

[miss_flo]

We did have our talk last week, but before I begin the update I''d like to clarify some points:

1. I''m not going to repeat myself by responding to all the suggestions that I want/ed a "perfect" or "fairytale" proposal, because this is the bottom line: I was uncomfortable, and I felt the need to remove myself from the situation. My boyfriend is aware of that, and after our talk I''m relieved to say that he has known that all along. I understand that a lot is lost in the translation of trying to type out what happened that night, but I definitely caught more accusations than I anticipated. If I''m being criticized because I removed myself from an uncomfortable situation, then so be it.

2. From more than a couple posts, I got the sense that many of you girls think I don''t "deserve" a proposal. While I find that concept a little vindictive, I opened myself to that criticism by posting here. The part that I think people miss is this: when I say I don''t need a proposal, I mean it literally. This is about me giving him the option to propose if he still wants to. It would not have been fair for me to walk up to him and say, "Hey dude, let''s just get it over with and put that ring on my finger." Many of you spoke about taking his "power" away by preventing the last proposal attempt, but no one had a problem with taking that "power" away from him by not even giving him the option. As it turns out, he does still want to propose.

3. In speaking to my family, it turns out that my hunch was correct - they knew that it was me who intervened with the proposal before it happened. I didn''t want to post that without being 100% sure, but my stepdad has since clarified that for me and it offered yet another relief from all the anxiety I felt. They all saw me whisper in DB''s ear after he made his introductory statement, so it was pretty obvious that what I said prompted us to leave. They did not judge me in that sense, and did not ask for an explanation. They know I love him and can''t wait to marry him.

And now for the update:

_____________________________________________________________________

Last week I got home from class and he greeted me with a glass of wine. I was too nervous to take more than a sip, and he noticed that I wasn''t really paying attention to the show. Eventually I found the courage to squeak out one little sentence, the only one I could think to start the conversation with:

"Do you still want to marry me?" I asked. He instantly sat up and spun to face me.

"Of course I do, why would you ask that?"

"It''s been five months and I''ve been really patient and..." I felt so embarrassed that I started to sniffle and eventually cry. He pulled me up from the couch and started to slow dance me around the living room while I cried into his shoulder.

"I''m so sorry. I''m still planning and...it''s just that you set the bar really high with those YouTube videos..."

[::cue the record scratch::]

"What??" I asked, both laughing and crying at the same time. It started in October when I sent him a link to the Scrubs on-set proposal because it''s his favorite TV show and I thought he would enjoy it. Sometimes he would come in my office while I was doing homework and catch me watching other proposal videos during my "brain breaks."

"Wait, do you think I expect something like that??" I asked, totally confused and worried.

"No, but I would like to do something like that," he replied. At this point he lifted my arms into our ballroom dancing position and started trying to lead me around the living room.

"Honey...honey. Seriously, you don''t have to, in fact you can just say we''re engaged now and skip that," I insisted. When he didn''t reply, I went on. "I''m so sorry about Christmas and I will understand if you''re still mad at me about that." He looked surprised and didn''t say anything. "Do you want me to talk to my family about what happened?"

"Nope," he said, and smiled. He kept twirling me around and I let the conversation end because I didn''t want to push him any further. He didn''t seem uncomfortable at all - in fact he seemed opposite, confident and almost a little sneaky. I sent him a follow-up email the next day reiterating that he didn''t need to plan a proposal, and that I would be ecstatic to just accept the ring and move on (which is absolutely true) but he called me instead of writing back.

"Hi sweetie, I just got your email...don''t worry about it. Please, just relax." And again, that was it. I spoke to my parents the next day and finally relaxed.

So yes, five months is a long time. Perhaps even a longass time

I should have spoken up earlier, because I think it really did help him to hear me say I didn''t need/expect a proposal. It also broke the tension regarding my family, because I found out that they''d known it was me all along. I can wait as long as he needs, and I owe that to him. We''ve been together over three years, so a few more months won''t hurt me.

While reading this thread I''ve felt both comforted and criticized, but my overall takeaway is one of gratitude. I wouldn''t have had the courage to talk to DB or my family about this if I hadn''t had the "push" from you girls. Thank you again for all of your support, encouragement and advice.

 

[bubbly1126]

I am so glad you talked and things worked out. You must be happy to know that he wasn''t hurt by what happened and was instead trying to figure out the perfect proposal.

I''m excited for you and I hope you come back and tell us the story when it happens!

p.s. For what it''s worth, I never ever thought bad of you for removing yourself from an uncomfortable position. It didn''t feel right to you, plain and simple. I think any one of us would have done the same thing.

 

[Lauren8211]

Awesome to hear that things are still rolling forward!

I had to "LOL" at the Scrubs proposal thing. I showed that to FF as well because we both adore that show. I hope he doesn''t think that by my showing him that proposal, that I expect something of that magnitude!!

You two sound like you have a really great, open relationship where you feel comfortable sharing your feelings.

Sorry it didn''t work the first time he tried, but I guarantee this second time around will be great!

 

[Lilac]

I''m glad you spoke to him - you seem much more relaxed about it now, and he probably also feels better after your conversation. Good luck and hopefully you''ll be back soon with an engagement story!!

 

[gwendolyn]

Honey, that is WONDERFUL news!! Your guy sounds like an absolute sweetheart, and I had tears in my eyes as I imagined the scene that went along with your slow-danced conversation. I can only imagine how much of a weight was lifted off your shoulders after you had that talk. YAY!!!! Give that man as much time as he needs to propose how he wants, and enjoy the wait, knowing that such a darling is planning on the most romantic way to ask you formally to spend his life with you.

 

[lucyandroger]

Thank you for the update! You two sound like such a wonderful couple...I''m so glad that he wasn''t upset about Christmas and things are moving forward. It must feel really great to have all of that worry off your shoulders. I''m sure now that you two have talked, you''ll be engaged before you know it!!

 

[bee*]

That''s brilliant news that you had a chat with him and it''s all sorted. He sounds like a sweetie!!

 

[chiquitapet]

That`s great news. So good to hear you talked things out and that he wasn''t hurt by what happened over Christmas. After this talk, I think he`ll be popping the question pretty soon!!

PS. It''s so sweet how you guys talked while dancing! Love it!

 

[FrekeChild]

Yay!!!! I''m glad you guys talked about it. And it sounds like it went well. So good things all around!

 

[havernell]

Excellent! I''m proud of you for working up the courage to clear the air with you boyfriend. Sounds like he''s relieved as well. Now you can both move forward in peace!

 

[tlh]

I happy you had talked and cleared the air.

I wish you and your FF the best, and if he does a utube proposal, please attach a linky!

BEST WISHES!

 

[LadyBlue]

I''m glad that things went well. Probably, now that he feels more relax, there is going to be a proposal very soon.

 

[NakedFinger]

Ok 4 things:

1) I am SOOO happy you talked him, I think thats all you needed. Communication is everything. I''m glad everything was worked out, and I think you should expect a proposal very soon too!

2) I want you to know I dont think what you did was wrong, and if you didnt feel right, you wouldnt want to remember that forever. I think you should enjoy the moment, on hate it you know? I was just pointing out that I think the reason he was delaying it was because of a shot to his ego.

3) LOVED the scrubs proposal

and 4) Thanks to you.....I didnt get any work done yesterday because I got sucked into ALLLLLLl of the other proposals posted on youtube!!! LOl I had no idea there were so many!

 

[Treasure43]

I''m SOO happy things worked out

 

[mrscushion]

So glad you guys had that convo. Thanks for coming back to tell us about it. You guys sound like you have something really good going on. Enjoy the LIW time!

 

[decodelighted]

Great news!! I''m glad you opened the lines of communication about this a bit ... broke the ice. Sometimes not knowing is so much worse than knowing. (re: your family too ... that they knew it was you).

And I just thought it was SO SWEET that he comforted you with dancing! My DH does that sometimes too ... and we''re not "dancers" at all! You described such a tender moment that I had chills.

 

[Clairitek]

Thanks for the update! I am happy to hear you had a good conversation with your FF about your feelings and that there aren''t any bad feelings about the halted Christmas proposal.

Fingers crossed that you don''t have to wait much longer!

 

[laurenfischer5]

First I just want to say sorry for some people giving you a hard time. That happened to me a few days ago....( I said my opinion about something and a few people said some things that hurt my feelings) Like you said, when you are typing things can get lost in translation

So, as far as your question goes, I don''t see anything wrong with what you did. I had a similar feeling when my now husband proposed, only I didnt say anthing. I dont regret keeping quiet, but I do I wish I didn''t have awkward feelings associated with my engagement....

 

[TiffanyLady]

News_girl, I''m fairly new around here and just read about your experience. I''m so glad your "conversation" went well and things are looking up (based on your dialogue, you two seem very sweet together

)! You seem bold and confident, and good things are in store for you, I''m sure.

Ignore the negative posts, you did what you felt was right, which obviously your BF respects and understands. Keep us updated on your engagement!

 

[sparklyheart]

I completely missed your update! I''m happy to hear you guys talked about it and now you know he''s not upset or hurt by the whole Christmas incident. I''ve never seen the youtube video but I think it would be best if I stay away.. I don''t want to get sucked in and never leave the comp!!

Best of luck with everything!!