LIW #2 needs advice - please be gentle :(

[miss_flo]

Now that I''m #2 on the LIW list and DB has had the ring for SIX MONTHS, I think it''s time to mention why the wait is taking so long.

When he received the ring, DB didn''t have any sort of idea for how he would propose. I will be selfish here and admit that I had hoped he would have some sort of plan, even if it just involved Chinese takeout at home on a Tuesday night. As you may remember from my previous thread ("The Epic Hawaii Meltdown") I thought it might happen back in August. When he realized that it was time to start seriously looking, he did - and I commend him for that.

Christmas Eve came around and my parents decided to start opening gifts at midnight. DB apparently intended to propose on Christmas Day, but when we started opening gifts he thought to do it then instead. I do know that he spoke to everyone in the family individually to let them know what was going to happen, but otherwise it was all impromptu. When 3 a.m. rolled around I mentioned that I had literally been up for 24 hours and needed to get home to go to sleep. Suddenly everyone started getting fidgety, and out of nowhere the song "Santa Baby" started playing on the stereo, queued up by my stepdad. It was then that I started to panic.

It felt wrong, in so many different ways. It felt staged in a really cheesy and awkward way, like a bad TV episode. I know I''m going to take a lot of heat for what happened next, but I am finally at peace with my decision. I would have regretted NOT doing what I did for the rest of my life, and in retrospect I still know in my heart that I did the right thing.

When DB loudly announced "Well love I''ve got one last gift to give you," I stood up on my tiptoes to whisper into his ear, "Please, not like this. Not now."

I can already feel all of your insults and judgments flying at me now. I''m sure a lot of you feel that what I did was wrong, but just know that when DB and I discussed it later, he admitted that it didn''t feel right either. Perhaps it was because we were both so deliriously tired, or that my family made it feel awkward, but the end result is the same. It simply wasn''t the right time or place.

DB played it off really well, and a coincidence somehow saved the entire night. He followed up his announcement by saying, "Well we need to get home because it''s late, so I''ll just show her the gift when we get home." Everyone in my family seemed fine with that, so we said our goodbyes and got home. When we arrived at our house, DB opened the garage door and sitting before my eyes was the exact present I had asked for: a brand new treadmill. I texted my family to let them know about my "big" present and they all accepted that as DB getting cold feet. I''m not sure that anyone is the wiser about what really happened.

The fallout, of course, is that we are still not engaged. If the reason is because he is upset about that night, he has not made that clear to me. The one and only time we discussed it was the night it happened, when we agreed that it didn''t feel right. All I know is that it is now May and with each passing month, I feel more and more hurt.

I don''t know how to bring it up with him. If he is still angry or upset with me, I want to know. If he is actually trying to plan something special in the near future, then of course I don''t want to ruin it for him either. I just don''t know what to do anymore.

If you girls have any advice to offer, please do. I would like to avoid any major insults or name-calling, but I understand that many of you will now think of me as a pompous demanding princess type. I promise that in real life, I am none of those things - in fact my nickname for a long time was "president of the doormat club." I never ever stand up for myself, and this is one of the only times I can say that I have. Hopefully the backlash from this post won''t hurt my damaged ego much more than it''s already hurt.

 

[princesss]

Straight up, honest, forthright communication. Accept no substitutions.

If you felt comfortable enough stopping a proposal that didn''t feel right, you obviously feel like you can be honest with him. So stop wondering and start talking!

 

[sparklyheart]

I agree with princesss.. You just have to talk to him. Maybe start out by saying something like "Remember what happened Christmas Eve? I really hope that hasn''t made you hesitant to try again.." Maybe it is kind of asking for him to propose but he may be scared of getting shot down again. I give you credit for what you did.. That takes guts and knowing what you want, so good job. It also sounded like he realized it was all wrong too, unless he was just agreeing with you. Either way, the guy probably needs a big ego boost to try again!! It sounds from your post like you want something more private so if your BF doesn''t know that, this convo would be a good time to let him know. That way you can avoid more awkward music moments from your family.. Good luck and keep us posted!

 

[ladypirate]

News Girl, you don''t sound like a princess at all--if the moment felt wrong, then it wasn''t right. What I do think you need to do is sit him down and say "Look, I know that Christmas didn''t go as planned, but it has been five months and there hasn''t been any movement. Is there something going on? If you have something planned, please don''t let me interrupt that, but know that the lack of progress is really starting to bother me."

 

[miss_flo]

Thank you so, so much for your advice girls - those are all really great points. I''m planning to discuss it with him in a couple of days (we''re both in grad school and the beginning of the week is insanely busy) so I''m trying to calm myself down and approach him as positively and encouragingly as possible. He may be spooked, and he may secretly be angry. I''ll assume those two options first before I assume that he''s actually just planning something special.

@princess: We are usually very open with each other so you''re right that I felt comfortable enough to say that something wasn''t right. My only hesitation now is that I might interrupt something he''s planning and spook him all over again

@sparklyheart: You''re totally right about him needing an ego boost - the poor guy has to be a little shell-shocked. There have been so many opportunities for him these past six months (three year anniversary, valentine''s day, vacations, etc.) that each one leaves me scratching my head wondering, "Huh. Still no proposal." He really must be nervous, and it''s my responsibility to help him realize I do want to marry him with all my heart. He knows that much since we discussed it that night, but it doesn''t hurt to reinforce it again.

@ladypirate: That quote was perfect, absolutely perfect. It conveys that I''m anxious but willing to be patient with him, so long as he tells me what''s going on. I might just use it verbatim

 

[Lilac]

I don''t think you were necessarily wrong to tell him not to do it that way if it really felt wrong to you. You may have regretted it if you knew you didn''t want it that way and then let him go through with it. However, he probably has been feeling hurt and possibly some resentment since then. You said you talked to him that night about it and everything seemed fine, but as you said yourself you were both really tired so maybe he just didn''t want to talk about it. Is it possible he was just agreeing with you about it not feeling right to him also in order to make himself feel better about the fact that you didn''t like his proposal? Also, being that it seems like most of your family knew about his plan, is it possible they have questioned him multiple times (without you knowing) about why he didn''t go through with it and that has just made him feel worse?

Obviously I''m just speculating, but I think you really need to talk to him about this in order to really get a better idea about what''s going through his mind. Something is holding him back and I think you need to explain your feelings to him and ask him how he is feeling now. I think ladypirate had a great idea about exactly how to say all of this to him. Hopefully all you need to resolve this is good communication and everything will work out!

Good luck!

 

[bee*]

I''d definitely have a chat with him and see what the hold up is. 5 months is a long time.

 

[NakedFinger]

I imagine this to be a similar affect as to if you told a guy you faked orgasm......its an ego thing.

He planned this, went through trouble organizing it, was doing it in public and got shot down. His pride and his confidence are scarred.

I dont doubt that the reason he is delaying, is because now he is paranoid to do it again. It didnt go right the first time, you werent happy, and now he is afraid he wont live up to the expectation again (again, going back to my previous reference, you tell a guy you faked it, how long before he is convinced you arent again? no matter how many times you tell him your happy and was good? LOL

)

I would do something to stroke his ego, let him know that your expectations arent that high. Use positive reinforcement. Tell him why it was wrong (it was corny, it was in public, etc), but be positive by telling him what you did like. For example: "Hunny, I did love how you planned something, but I prefer it to be more intimate." Or "You are such a sweetheart for making sure my family was there when you did it, but maybe just dont have them say anything or play a role".

Reassure him that you love him, that you DO want to get engaged (and werent just shutting him down because you werent ready) and that the moment just wasnt right at that particular time.

Good luck!

(PS: Bless you, my bf has had the ring for a month and I'm going NUTS! Couldnt imagine 6 months!)

 

[lucyandroger]

News Girl, you sound like a really sweet person and I know the last thing you wanted to do was hurt or humiliate DB...but in all likelihood, you probably did. You said that after the incident he agreed that it felt wrong, but what other option did he really have at that point?

If I were you I would apologize, reiterate that I want nothing more than to marry SO, and let him know that any thoughtful, sincere proposal in the future would be accepted.

 

[miss_flo]

Thank you again for the new suggestions, girls. I do think that DB was sincere about something feeling "off," mainly because he was very forthcoming about the way he felt when it happened. He admitted that he hadn''t really had a particular idea of how it would happen (hence the last minute, on our way out endeavor) and that it wasn''t even the day he''d had in mind. He was unprepared, and my family forced a level of anxiety into the situation that he didn''t anticipate.

I reminded him that I just hoped it would be heartfelt and without pretension. All of the anticipatory eagerness in that room made my head want to explode. My mom told me to come sit next to her and I was on my way over when I suddenly jumped and ran back to DB. I realized what was happening and felt so adamant about it that I stepped outside my fear of confrontation to remove myself from the situation. It had NOTHING to do with DB and everything to do with the way I felt in that moment. I didn''t want to associate that important memory in my life with the feeling I felt in that room. It wasn''t love, it was...awkward, stiff and uncomfortable. I felt like I was on a stage, and I couldn''t handle it.

I want to apologize to him in some way without resurrecting the feeling from that day. Part of me thinks he''s trying to "start over" with the process on a clean slate, and the other part of me wonders if he''s harboring anger, which is very unlike him. Either way, you are all right that a conversation (albeit a brief one) is necessary now that so much time has passed. I really was hoping that he was just planning something, but all of our major relationship milestones have passed and I have no idea what he''s waiting for. It is my responsibility to find out, so I will. I''ll report back with an answer at the end of this week, and hopefully it won''t be a discouraging one.

 

[Dreamgirl]

Well, I for one wont bash you because you didn''t do anything wrong IMO. If it didn''t feel right at the time, you did the right thing by telling him "not now" I wouldn''t worry about that at all. Please don''t be hard on yourself. I also have a feeling that he probably isn''t upset by that. He''s probably waiting for a time that actually feels right, if you ask me. When the time is right, it will happen!

I agree with the other girls here. If it were me, I''d just lightly bring it up and let him know that it''s ok to pop the question again, all while not making him feel like he has done something wrong at Christmas.

Best of luck to you news_girl!

 

[Dreamgirl]

Date: 5/5/2009 5:56:47 PM
Author: news_girl
I reminded him that I just hoped it would be heartfelt and without pretension. All of the anticipatory eagerness in that room made my head want to explode. My mom told me to come sit next to her and I was on my way over when I suddenly jumped and ran back to DB. I realized what was happening and felt so adamant about it that I stepped outside my fear of confrontation to remove myself from the situation. It had NOTHING to do with DB and everything to do with the way I felt in that moment. I didn''t want to associate that important memory in my life with the feeling I felt in that room. It wasn''t love, it was...awkward, stiff and uncomfortable. I felt like I was on a stage, and I couldn''t handle it.

I don''t blame you for feeling that way. I would feel awkward too! You did what was right for you and DB at the time. It just wasn''t meant to happen that day.

 

[purrfectpear]

Wow, you really stopped his proposal in front of everyone, and then you left him holding bag as though HE was the one with cold feet. Since you know the whole family knew, didn''t you realize that they would think he had issues? Didn''t you think you should explain the truth to them later in private? No wonder he let Valentine''s Day fly by with no ring.

I can''t imagine how you are close enough to think of being engaged yet you''ve let almost 5 months go by without having a decent discussion with him about it?

Good luck, hope he hasn''t been put off to the point of doubting if he wants to do it.

 

[fieryred33143]

I have not read through the other responses and also have not read any follow-up comments you made so I apologize if what I say has already been said or addressed.

Here''s my take on it:

Some men are very creative. They can come up with proposal games or plan a great trip or figure out a way to get everyone you love involved.

Some men...just aren''t. They would much rather just propose while at home on some random Tuesday. But of course, just like women grow up believing in the hype of a formal engagement, men grow up believing its their job to plan some major event. So to the non-creative guy, they almost need an event to fall on their lap in order to make the proposal: i.e. Christmas eve with the ring being the last present or Valentine''s Day with the ring in the desert (

), etc. So I personally don''t think your guy is upset with you. I think he''s looking for the next event to make it special.

Mr. Fiery was the same way. He bought the ring in June and wanted to wait until Christmas to propose. He felt he needed a holiday to make it special (??). One night I casually mentioned that private, intimate proposals IMHO are always the best. He asked me if I would wait until Christmas for the proposal. I told him that for him I would wait as long as I had to but for me I don''t see the point in dragging it out till Christmas. He mentioned proposing at an earlier holiday (Labor Day) and I told him again whenever he wanted to do it was fine with me but that I hoped he wasn''t planning some holiday proposal because he felt he needed to do that to make it special. He ended up proposing on a random Thursday night while I was in bed.

I guess my advice to you is to sit down and talk to him. Let him know that you want to be married to him and when he proposes, it''ll be special. Maybe that''ll take the pressure off a little on him and he can plan something beautiful without waiting for the next hand-fed opportunity. KWIM?

 

[bubbly1126]

I don''t think you were wrong in telling him that it didn''t feel right and not letting him do it. However, I do feel that you are wrong in letting all your family think he had cold feet and just decided not to do it. My first thought, after having a lengthy discussion with him about your reasoning and such, would be to set the family straight on what really happened. If I were him, I''d be hurt by you not telling them.

Anyway, you need to sit and talk with him. Just plain old straight up ask if he still plans to ask. No details have to be given and no stress should be put on him. I''m sure his ego was a little bruised by what happened (or, what didn''t happen)... even if he did say he agreed with you. I''m sure that still had somewhat of a negative affect on him.

Just talk to him. That''s the only way you''ll find out what''s going on in his head. Good luck!

 

[miss_flo]

Date: 5/5/2009 7:35:43 PM
Author: purrfectpear
Wow, you really stopped his proposal in front of everyone, and then you left him holding bag as though HE was the one with cold feet. Since you know the whole family knew, didn''t you realize that they would think he had issues? Didn''t you think you should explain the truth to them later in private? No wonder he let Valentine''s Day fly by with no ring.

I can''t imagine how you are close enough to think of being engaged yet you''ve let almost 5 months go by without having a decent discussion with him about it?

Good luck, hope he hasn''t been put off to the point of doubting if he wants to do it.

Frankly, it''s none of my family''s business. He let them know that he was planning to propose that night, and he didn''t. My parents understand that we are adults and are capable of handling our own decisions. He asked my parents'' blessing to propose, and they accepted, so beyond that it isn''t really their business. They love him to death, and he''s already part of the family.

I waited this long because I am in no rush to get married - we''ve been together for over three years and neither of us are going anywhere. The point of this post was to say that I''m sad it''s taking this long, but I don''t want to pressure him. We can''t get married until I''m done with grad school so at earliest, that means September 2010. He has plenty time to propose, I''m just wondering why it has taken so long since he has had the ring all this time. My lack of asking was a sign of patience, not a symptom of communication problems.

Since you don''t know anything about me, I''m a little surprised that you would suggest that my boyfriend doesn''t want to marry me any more. IMHO, that statement is far more harsh than is necessary to prove your point. I get it, you think I don''t deserve to get engaged ("No wonder he let Valentine''s Day fly by with no ring") because you don''t think I''m ready to get engaged ("I can''t imagine how you are close enough to think of being engaged). That''s your opinion and I''m not here to convince you otherwise, but just know that as far as I''m concerned, our relationship is as strong and stable as it has always been.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 5/5/2009 7:43:06 PM
Author: inhisarms17
I don''t think you were wrong in telling him that it didn''t feel right and not letting him do it. However, I do feel that you are wrong in letting all your family think he had cold feet and just decided not to do it. My first thought, after having a lengthy discussion with him about your reasoning and such, would be to set the family straight on what really happened. If I were him, I''d be hurt by you not telling them. `

I would advise this as well just cause you don''t want your family thinking poorly of him, you know?

 

[miss_flo]

Date: 5/5/2009 8:17:21 PM
Author: fieryred33143

Date: 5/5/2009 7:43:06 PM

Author: inhisarms17

I don''t think you were wrong in telling him that it didn''t feel right and not letting him do it. However, I do feel that you are wrong in letting all your family think he had cold feet and just decided not to do it. My first thought, after having a lengthy discussion with him about your reasoning and such, would be to set the family straight on what really happened. If I were him, I''d be hurt by you not telling them. `

I would advise this as well just cause you don''t want your family thinking poorly of him, you know?

I absolutely see what you ladies mean, but my strong feeling is that the talk would be so belated that the embarrassment would be reopened all over again. We see my family literally every weekend and we''re a pretty tight-knit, eccentric and lovable bunch. No one has ever mentioned it and we''ve all moved on, so I will definitely ask him if he wants me to talk to them. If he does then by all means, I will. I''m glad that you guys suggested this, since he has never made any indication that he wanted me to set the record straight and that might make him feel a lot better.

Thank you for the suggestion ladies.

 

[bubbly1126]

Date: 5/5/2009 9:04:52 PM
Author: news_girl

Date: 5/5/2009 8:17:21 PM

Author: fieryred33143

Date: 5/5/2009 7:43:06 PM


Author: inhisarms17


I don''t think you were wrong in telling him that it didn''t feel right and not letting him do it. However, I do feel that you are wrong in letting all your family think he had cold feet and just decided not to do it. My first thought, after having a lengthy discussion with him about your reasoning and such, would be to set the family straight on what really happened. If I were him, I''d be hurt by you not telling them. `

I would advise this as well just cause you don''t want your family thinking poorly of him, you know?

I absolutely see what you ladies mean, but my strong feeling is that the talk would be so belated that the embarrassment would be reopened all over again. We see my family literally every weekend and we''re a pretty tight-knit, eccentric and lovable bunch. No one has ever mentioned it and we''ve all moved on, so I will definitely ask him if he wants me to talk to them. If he does then by all means, I will. I''m glad that you guys suggested this, since he has never made any indication that he wanted me to set the record straight and that might make him feel a lot better.


Thank you for the suggestion ladies.

Thank YOU for being open to that suggestion. Really, it might not be a big deal to you to set the record straight, but it might be for him. Definitely ask him. If that doesn''t matter to him then you can move on from there.

 

[purrfectpear]

Date: 5/5/2009 8:01:33 PM
Author: news_girl

Date: 5/5/2009 7:35:43 PM
Author: purrfectpear
Wow, you really stopped his proposal in front of everyone, and then you left him holding bag as though HE was the one with cold feet. Since you know the whole family knew, didn''t you realize that they would think he had issues? Didn''t you think you should explain the truth to them later in private? No wonder he let Valentine''s Day fly by with no ring.

I can''t imagine how you are close enough to think of being engaged yet you''ve let almost 5 months go by without having a decent discussion with him about it?

Good luck, hope he hasn''t been put off to the point of doubting if he wants to do it.

Frankly, it''s none of my family''s business. He let them know that he was planning to propose that night, and he didn''t. My parents understand that we are adults and are capable of handling our own decisions. He asked my parents'' blessing to propose, and they accepted, so beyond that it isn''t really their business. They love him to death, and he''s already part of the family.

I waited this long because I am in no rush to get married - we''ve been together for over three years and neither of us are going anywhere. The point of this post was to say that I''m sad it''s taking this long, but I don''t want to pressure him. We can''t get married until I''m done with grad school so at earliest, that means September 2010. He has plenty time to propose, I''m just wondering why it has taken so long since he has had the ring all this time. My lack of asking was a sign of patience, not a symptom of communication problems.

Since you don''t know anything about me, I''m a little surprised that you would suggest that my boyfriend doesn''t want to marry me any more. IMHO, that statement is far more harsh than is necessary to prove your point. I get it, you think I don''t deserve to get engaged (''No wonder he let Valentine''s Day fly by with no ring'') because you don''t think I''m ready to get engaged (''I can''t imagine how you are close enough to think of being engaged). That''s your opinion and I''m not here to convince you otherwise, but just know that as far as I''m concerned, our relationship is as strong and stable as it has always been.

I never said or implied that you don''t deserve to get engaged. It''s curious that you would project like that. Do YOU harbor feelings of not deserving an engagement

As to whether you are ready to be engaged I really couldn''t say. What I will say, and what others have likewise said, is that you need to have an upfront discussion with him and you should not have waited 5 months to do so.

Obviously I am not alone in feeling you''ve left the guy hanging with your family.

 

[FrekeChild]

((((((((((((((((((((((((((((Hugs news_girl))))))))))))))))))))))))))

I think you made the right decision and did the right thing. And use LP''s line!!!!

 

[miss_flo]

Date: 5/6/2009 12:20:47 AM
Author: purrfectpear

Date: 5/5/2009 8:01:33 PM

Author: news_girl

Date: 5/5/2009 7:35:43 PM

Author: purrfectpear

Wow, you really stopped his proposal in front of everyone, and then you left him holding bag as though HE was the one with cold feet. Since you know the whole family knew, didn''t you realize that they would think he had issues? Didn''t you think you should explain the truth to them later in private? No wonder he let Valentine''s Day fly by with no ring.


I can''t imagine how you are close enough to think of being engaged yet you''ve let almost 5 months go by without having a decent discussion with him about it?


Good luck, hope he hasn''t been put off to the point of doubting if he wants to do it.

Frankly, it''s none of my family''s business. He let them know that he was planning to propose that night, and he didn''t. My parents understand that we are adults and are capable of handling our own decisions. He asked my parents'' blessing to propose, and they accepted, so beyond that it isn''t really their business. They love him to death, and he''s already part of the family.


I waited this long because I am in no rush to get married - we''ve been together for over three years and neither of us are going anywhere. The point of this post was to say that I''m sad it''s taking this long, but I don''t want to pressure him. We can''t get married until I''m done with grad school so at earliest, that means September 2010. He has plenty time to propose, I''m just wondering why it has taken so long since he has had the ring all this time. My lack of asking was a sign of patience, not a symptom of communication problems.


Since you don''t know anything about me, I''m a little surprised that you would suggest that my boyfriend doesn''t want to marry me any more. IMHO, that statement is far more harsh than is necessary to prove your point. I get it, you think I don''t deserve to get engaged (''No wonder he let Valentine''s Day fly by with no ring'') because you don''t think I''m ready to get engaged (''I can''t imagine how you are close enough to think of being engaged). That''s your opinion and I''m not here to convince you otherwise, but just know that as far as I''m concerned, our relationship is as strong and stable as it has always been.

I never said or implied that you don''t deserve to get engaged. It''s curious that you would project like that. Do YOU harbor feelings of not deserving an engagement

As to whether you are ready to be engaged I really couldn''t say. What I will say, and what others have likewise said, is that you need to have an upfront discussion with him and you should not have waited 5 months to do so.


Obviously I am not alone in feeling you''ve left the guy hanging with your family.

The exact quote, listed above, is "hope he hasn''t been put off to the point of doubting if he wants to do it." That phrase seems to directly translate into "hope he doesn''t doubt that he wants to get engaged." I may have read that wrong, so if you disagree then I''m more than open to clarification. I do not harbor any reservations about his willingness to propose, my concern is solely in his lack of communication of our timeline. That is both my fault and his, as I''ve mentioned several times in this thread. Most of the advice given has specified that I need to bring the subject up explicitly, and I plan to do that this week when we both aren''t swamped with work and homework. Five months is a long time and I agree with that, but I worried that I might disrupt any plan he had in mind. Now that it''s clear that he did not have anything planned, I know that it''s time to be direct.

 

[jcarlylew]

News_girl - without stirring the fire (is that the phrase?), i agree with PP, in the sense that no doubt, on some level, your guy is burned by the christmas proposal. But, I do get it, it wasn''t right for either of you, and no one can make you chose otherwise.
In fact, we have heard stories on how some LIW''s hated their proposal. I guess you are one of the first (at least that i know of) to actually stand up and say "hey, this isn''t right. its not us".

I hope that when you talk to him that it goes well, and you get the answers you are looking for. and i am also in the camp of letting your parents know what happened. I know its really not their business, but again you are brining him into your family, so i think they deserve to know, especially since they already knew it was going to happen.

Good luck, and big hugs, and honestly, way to stand up for what you believe in your heart.

 

[stepcutgirl]

News girl, I talked to my boyfriend last night about this and asked for his input. He said if you have a special day or anniversary coming up soon not to talk to him about it and see if it happens then. He said if you do not have a special day coming up or if he does not ask then to talk openly to him about it. He said that even if he is planning something, you asking will not spook him off because he is already thinking of it as well. He said you should stroke his ego and let him know how much it means to you to be his wife. I hope that helps.

 

[sweetliloldme]

Maybe after the christmas thing he is afraid that you''ll say no. Did you ever talk about it after that? What I mean is does he know that you didn''t want it to be in that moment, and that you still want it to happen?

I would just talk to him and say I know that Christmas didn''t go as expected, but I wasn''t sure if you changed your mind. Not those exact words, but something along those lines.

 

[Lauren8211]

News_Girl, I don''t have anything new or insightful to add... just wanted to wish you luck on figuring this situation out. Also, I wanted to agree with those who think that he may have been burned by the Xmas proposal attempt, and that it probably just needs to be aired out. The male ego is a fragile thing, for sure.

You seem confident in your relationship and its progress. I''m sure he just needs a little reassurance and you guys need to have a nice discussion about where things stand.

Good luck!

 

[miss_flo]

Thanks for all the new replies ladies, I really appreciate your advice.

@jcarlylew: No fire stirring here, since I agree that he is probably burned by Christmas. I was not trying to pretend that things went back to normal after the almost-proposal, I was just trying to clarify that we had not had a major fight or confrontation about it. It is very, very possible that he has chosen to bottle his emotions about it, but I couldn''t be sure. There were too many important dates (my 25th birthday, our third anniversary, V-Day, as I mentioned) in between to risk potentially upsetting his next plan, so I waited - some say too long. That''s fine. In terms of how to approach family, I mentioned above that I''m planning to ask DB if he''d like me to talk to them. Knowing him it is most likely that he won''t want me to re-open the issue with them, but he DOES deserve the option to choose. Thank you again for your advice.

@stepcutgirl: Thank you for asking your DB, it helps to hear the male perspective about how he might feel. All of our major dates and anniversaries have already happened this year, which is what prompted me to finally write this post. It is now clear that he isn''t waiting for any particular date, which is why I have to approach him openly about his hesitation. To be clear, I -did- repeatedly remind him that night that I want to marry him, and he''s very aware of that now. We still talk candidly about our wedding, and even just this week he had a sip of some great almond champagne and said "Oh sweetheart, I know what our toasting champagne is going to be at the wedding." I''m not concerned about the *IF* at all, it''s just the curiosity of the when. Thank you again, that was very helpful.

@sweetliloldme: I did adamantly remind him that night (as many times as I could

) that I was ready and thrilled to marry him. We haven''t avoided speaking about engagements and weddings, but we *have* completely sidestepped the subject of our engagement several times. I''m hoping to talk to him tomorrow so I can gently bring up the subject and ask if he would like me to talk to my family about what happened. I''ll keep you ladies posted, and thank you again for your help. I really appreciate it

 

[tlh]

I am weird. I don''t mind have someone scream from the moutain tops, marry me... when we''re surrounded by strangers... but to ME I HATE HATE HATE AHTE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE HATE (get it) proposals in front of family and friends. See to ME a proposal is just that, a marriage proposal. In the marriage I intend at the heart of it to be ONLY ME and MY HUSBAND. Our friends, and family are NOT in our unit... and I didn''t want them there, at the begining, at the proposal. I made that abunduntly clear.

Not everyone is like me. But had my DH proposed when we couldn''t have just a moment, of just us, yeah sure, CELEBRATE w/ everyone.. but the proposal for ME needed to be INTIMATE. It could feel intimate in front of strangers, but the intimacy, would be removed when close friends or family is involved... because they KNOW US.

I would have done the same thing you did. i don''t know what the issue is, but to me, HI would have been perfect too. I''d let him know that you want to be engaged, that you are ready, but that you''d like for him to propose in a more intimate way... if that is what you want.

best wishes!

 

[janinegirly]

hi news, thanks for sharing with honesty--it does sound like a tricky situation. Well there are 2 possible things going on here...either 1) he has planned something, but is taking so long since he is worried it won't be right or perfect and so is delayyyying, which he really can't be blamed for or 2) he is so traumatized after how his first attempt went down, he is frozen in paralysis. Also he really can't be blamed for that either.

You already know there is most likely fall out from the Xmas debacle (sorry, I know you had good reason, but it did unfortunately probably disturb the natrual flow of events as it was meant to be). So you'll likely have to take more charge than you'd hoped. Maybe propose to him or have an honest convo with him and tell him you don't care how it's done anymore, and let's just get engaged! It takes the build up and excitement out, but unfortunately that's already been kind of permanently altered, so if it's really just about getting engaged formally and married, then this may be the best approach.

PS I also kind of agree with you that this isn't an issue for the families, this is between the 2 of you. Once you're engaged, you can worry about setting the family straight on how things unfolded.

 

[miss_flo]

@elledizzy5: Absolutely, the male ego is much more sensitive than we women tend to give it credit for. My DB is usually so honest and open that it''s hard for me to imagine him keeping this big of a burden from me, but I do see why he would. I''m sure he was hurting about it for awhile, which is why I need to be so so careful about the way I discuss it with him. I am confident as could be in our relationship, I just needed to hear those magical LIW advice words: "just talk to him darnit."

@tlh: That is it EXACTLY. I love my family to pieces but I couldn''t handle being thrust into the spotlight in front of them - it was almost obscene, like being naked in front of them. I felt like I had an anxiety attack, and it had nothing to do with DB or his proposal. I am beyond ready to marry that man but I simply could not bear to remember my proposal as -feeling- that way. I wish I had known that I would be so mortified of that situation in advance, but when I watched youtube videos of girls getting engaged in front of family, I always thought it was the sweetest thing. Sometimes you just can''t know until you''re in those shoes. Thank you so so much for your empathy, that makes me feel a ton better.

@janinegirly: In talking to a mutual friend of ours yesterday, I found out that he had considered proposing again since Christmas. I received no details besides that, so I''m getting the strong feeling that he''s gun shy and needs to be reminded that I will accept anything, literally ANYTHING, he offers. There''s no loss of mystique or romance here, I''m just as excited and in love with him as I was before Christmas. The fact that he has the ring really calmed down my LIW-itis, so these past few months have actually been quite happy and laid back. My worry only started to hit when all of our important dates had passed, so now I''m sure that a talk is in order. Thank you for your encouragement!