l am so disappointed right now, l could scream and cry. Oh wait, l''ve been doing that since last n

[purrfectpear]

You two better have kissed and made up by now

Don''t make me get out my flying monkeys

 

[Haven]

Gwennie--I think PP said it best, both times.

I hope that you''re feeling better about the situation, and I certainly hope that you and J have kissed and made up.

Thinking of you . . .

 

[Delster]

Date: 1/29/2010 12:47:44 PM
Author: Haven
Gwennie--I think PP said it best, both times.


I hope that you''re feeling better about the situation, and I certainly hope that you and J have kissed and made up.


Thinking of you . . .

Big ditto ^^^

Gwen hon thinking of you, take care

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

Hi Gwen,

I am so sorry you have to go through this... Planning a wedding should be a time of excitement and joy... not anguish.

I do think that there is more bothering you than the wedding in the USA falling through. I think maybe the wedding in the USA was really important for you because it symbolized a part of who you are you really miss. You miss your home town, and I think you may be resentful that you had to give up a lot to be with J. Thus, the wedding back home was somehow giving you hope that you would be reunited with your past, and that it would help you feel more complete. You have to really sit down and think about whether you will ever really be happy in the UK long term.

I totally get all these things... But hun, you have to remember what the wedding is REALLY about. It''s about you and J, committing your lives to each other. Although it would be absolutely wonderful to have everyone there that day, in the end, all that matters is you and J, and your love for one another. Honestly, if I were in your shoes, I would probably just consider eloping. It doesn''t sound like you will be able to please both sides of the family -let alone yourself- if you keep going on this way. If you try to calm down and refocus on what''s really important (i.e. your love for J), then these events won''t bother you as much. Try to talk things through with J, and figure out what you BOTH really want... It really doesn''t matter what any family members want... This is YOUR wedding, YOUR special day, YOUR time to commit to one another for the rest of your lives.

 

[laughwithme]

Gwen, just wanted to say that I am sorry about this, and big big (((hugs)))

Please try to take some deep breaths and treat yourself to something, whether its a hot bath, a milkshake, listening to music, whatever. Things will work themselves out.

 

[PilsnPinkysMom]

Hoping that things are better for you, my dear, and that you and J have talked through this situation

I sincerely wish that wedding planning soon becomes enjoyable and exciting for you! You deserve it! You''re planning the rest of your life with a man you love, and who loves you, despite any tiffs or arguments or hurtful words that were said.

Please keep us updated (if you''d like) once you''re feeling better. Thinking of you, Gwennie!

 

[LilyKat]

I'm sorry Gwendolyn. It's awful to be living far away from your family and friends - it's easy to feel incredibly lonely and for things to build up.

I have to say I agree with everything decodelighted said. I would also add that not flying out to your US reception does NOT mean your in-laws don't like or value you. My sister and I are incredibly close and best friends, and yet I'm not flying out to her wedding reception abroad because... I don't like travelling, it's expensive, and it just isn't top of my list of priorities given that I'm attending her "real" (read: legal) wedding here in the UK. She understands. All I'm saying is... don't take it personally, because it's not.

Hugs to you.

 

[D&T]

awww Gwen *HUGS* to you sweetie. I''m so sorry that you are going through this. I know that this is sooo important to you and I''m so angry

and sad

for you as well.

 

[AustenNut]

Don''t have anything helpful to add, but just wanted to send you a few (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))).

 

[tlh]

Date: 1/31/2010 11:38:02 PM
Author: AustenNut
Don''t have anything helpful to add, but just wanted to send you a few (((((((((((hugs)))))))))))).

Sending some more ((HUGS)) I hope you and J have kissed and made up by now -- over and over, which is why you''ve been kept away...

 

[Lauren8211]

FYI - I know she was having log-in issues! Hopefully she''ll be back soon!

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 1/27/2010 11:24:20 AM
Author: meresal

Date: 1/27/2010 11:05:50 AM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 1/26/2010 9:57:06 PM
Author: meresal

Date: 1/26/2010 9:31:17 PM
Author: purrfectpear
As always, you got the typical ''OMG, how horrible'' and ''he should be more sensitive'' advice from the younger set, and a little calmer wisdom from the more experienced members

No matter the age or gender it is never ok to continue to yell at a person that is crying their eyes out. IMO, it doesn''t matter if why she was doing it was irrational. You separate yourself and revisit when you are both calm. Yelling at a person that is so vulnerable is just ridiculous and there was no reason for it.

Lets revisit the story: So, while J was telling me all this last night, I kind of flipped out about J''s mom (well, called her ''weird'' but there were loooooots of other things that came to mind) and he got pissed and yelled at me for being ''unfair'' to his mother because ''she''s just trying to help.'' Yelled at me, while I was sobbing in supreme disappointment about his sisters not being able to come.

Um ... this doesn''t sound like ''continuing to yell at a person who is crying their eyes out''. It sounds like an outburst on BOTH of their parts. Action/Reaction. He didn''t follow her to her room and *keep* yelling at her to shut up or anything?? They *did* seperate to cool off. But now Gwen is upset he didn''t cool off FASTER & run to comfort HER.

So all the ''how horrible!'' folks should maybe think about how their OWN arguments go and if they''d look so pretty written up on Pricescope before deciding this guy is a true villan here.

The way I read it, was that he was continuining to yell after she started crying. I even stated that if her ''flip-out'' was irrational, which it very well could have been... I still don''t think it is ok to continue to yell at someone that is sobbing.

(If that is not how it actually happened, then obviously my point it mute in this case. All I have to go off of is her story.)

I don''t believe that I was one of the ''How horrible'' comments (I would have to check), but I also think that they both owe eachother an apology for how the whole situation escalated, and should sit down and try again.

DH and I have had our fare share of disagreements re: his family, and after almost 2.5 years of living together, we finally figured out something that works. We don''t talk about them. Ever.

Gwen, ours was at its worst during the wedding planning process and immediately after. It has gotten so much better though, and if you both come to a calm understanding about how you talk about eachother''s families, then it will cut out all of this ''stuff'' in the future. You are not always going to be happy with his family, and he will not be with yours, but you all need to figure out HOW to have those converstaions without hurting eachother.

Well, that''s because women generally are the sobbers. I don''t know many men who sob. But I do know many men who get angry, and when they do, they aren''t exactly thinking that they need to stop being angry just because she''s sobbing.

What I am trying to say is that OK or not OK, it happens. Men can be "insensitive", and women can get really hurt by it when they don''t come and coddle in our time of valley-low need.

I will say though, a sure way to piss off anyone is to say something bad about his mother. "Weird" qualifies. Imagine how hurt you would be if he called your loved ones that. "Weird" implies that something isn''t quite all right in the brain. It''s an insult, and one you should understand is not going to bring out the best reaction in someone.

I also agree that the second wedding/party isn''t the "real" wedding. I know it''s a REAL celebration to you, but technically it is a celebration way after the actual wedding has taken place. Yes, I would hope your future in laws would understand that this is important to you, and that you are making a sacrifice yourself to have the actual wedding in the UK, but the bottom line for them is that they are seeing you guys get married and to them, it''s unnecessary to spend more to come to another party in the U.S. My inlaws are Australian, as you know, and they love me dearly. But even they would not come to the U.S. if we had actually gotten married in Oz first. Nor would I expect them to. That''s why I had the wedding here in the U.S.

,

As for your question: How can I look into his face and see someone who is going to vow to love me and honour me for my whole life, but who can treat me that way?

People who love one another can slip up, screw up and f*ck up. It''s part of life. He may be asking himself how he can be with a person who doesn''t think very much of most of his family. Love and honor doesn''t mean he''s going to treat you right ALL THE TIME. Love and honor means that when the screw ups happen, you both make an effort to understand the other, forgive, and love each other more. It means the person is worth fighting for during those downs and striving to have more ups.

People are inherently selfish and aren''t mind readers. Romantic love is VERY conditional. Any newlywed who believes their love is unconditional is setting herself up for disappointment.

Gwen, the question you should be asking yourself is: Can I look into his face and see someone who I am going to vow to love and honour for HIS whole life, even if he doesn''t treat me right all the time?

I hope you''ve kissed and made up. Your relationship is worth a shot, even considering his weird family.

 

[House Cat]

Gwen,

Just thinking about you. I hope your situation has ironed itself out.

Those sisters, well, in my eye''s view, it''s their loss. They have no idea of what they''re missing. They''re so wrapped up in their negativity that they can''t even let a little bit of light in. I''m not just referring to your wedding in the states, I''m referring to YOU. You''re an amazing, caring woman and it shows even on an internet forum. So, let their issues be their own. You can''t carry those on around in your heart. It will only serve to harm you.

FI, well, he''s probably still learning how to shift his priorities. This is a difficult transition for all of us! We are learning to fly the nest, for real. All of us are shifting our focus from our families of origin to our new families...the families we are currently building. This isn''t easy though, because we have spent our entire lives, loving, protecting, and being an integral part of our families of origin. Sometimes it is difficult to see that the families we are building can be anything we WANT them to be. It is always more difficult to see that the original family might not be the best influence.

So cut him a little bit of slack...please. This would be loving on your part to understand his plight. He loves you, this is obvious, but he has his difficulties too.

The MIL..well, that, I have no words! I find what she did to be very brazen. I get the feeling that someday (maybe very soon) a hard line will have to be drawn with her. Control freaks have no place in a healthy relationship, even if they are a generation away.

Once again, I hope that you''re feeling much better.

 

[purelily]

Hey Gwen,
I hope everything is going well for you and that planning smooths out a bit. While I have no advice to give, just know you are in my thoughts and prayers

 

[LadyBlue]

Gwen, sending you hugs!!

 

[gwendolyn]

Ok, going to try to make this short and sweet...have been trying for a week to post but get logged out every time! Grr. Fingers crossed.

Yes, we talked and made up. I overreacted, so did he, we''ve talked to his one sister who was really very very sorry about not coming (who is really a sweetie and I love her to bits) and his folks who are being supportive in their own unique way (which I''m letting roll off my back this time, but which is really upsetting J because his mum is all over the map). Anyway, the point is that we are ok now.

We haven''t been on a vacation, just the two of us, in over 2 years--it''s always us going to visit family (normally his, since we can drive to them). So this weekend, we''re going to Cornwall (so excited!!!!) to spend some quality time together. We have been talking about doing this since Thanksgiving, the last time we had a similar situation...

This isn''t the first time J has yelled (and continued to yell) at me when I was upset. This past Thanksgiving, while feeling down because I was missing my family, I cried quietly to myself. J (for some reason) didn''t believe it was "only" homesickness and thought I was upset with him (even though it was 100% just missing family) and yelled at me off and on for a couple of hours. Eventually we talked it through calmly, like we did in this situation, and he was able to tell me that he had no idea why he thought I was mad or why he yelled at me when I cried. He says he knows afterward that it didn''t make any sense, but at the time, to him it''s me that doesn''t make any sense, and from what he says, it sounds as if he gets angry that I don''t make any sense...even though after, he gets that I will get homesick from time to time, or be disappointed that his family won''t party with us in May. We''ve talked about anger management sessions, but they are really expensive. These types of incidents are at least partially what made me react as badly as I did.

We do love each other very much and work through these things together, but it is helpful to come and type it out here, get the various perspectives you wonderful ladies have to offer, and reflect on those in addition to my own feelings and experiences. Thank you!

*fingers crossed this posts!*

 

[gwendolyn]

WOOHOO!!! That was the 5th or 6th time I tried updating all of you. Let me tell you, that version there is much shorter than the original posts!

Also, just wanted to mention that I do generally really like J''s mother. She has shown me great kindness in trying to reach out to me when she knows I especially miss my family. She is a generous woman and can be a lot of fun to talk to. She is exceedingly eccentric, which usually adds to her charm, and tries very hard to help, although sometimes her attempts are somewhat...unconventional and therefore surprising in an intrusive or otherwise unwelcome sort of way. But she does mean well, and I know she does.

J is upset with her now because she keeps saying she wants to help, but then saying she hates wedding planning and doesn''t want to be burdened with it, and then does all this stuff without our input, and then asks what we want after and then does her own thing anyway.... I am letting it all just wash over me (now that I''m emotionally spent from last week

), but J is now really very mad at her. He started off, as you all know, upset with me because I was upset with her (mostly because what she did felt invasive--but coupled with all the other things going on then, including the sisters not coming to the US, I felt rather overwhelmed by negative feelings and let them get the better of me). Once things calmed down between his family and me and I could talk with them about wedding things without getting emotional, now HE is fuming mad at her. So we''ve traded positions, and it''s now me trying to calm him down and speak kindly about his mother now. Hopefully soon we''ll be able to both just go back to liking her as per normal?

 

[Porridge]

Thanks for the update Gwen, I''ve been thinking about you. I''m glad things worked out.

I hope J works out the anger issue, or communication, or whatever it is. {HUGS}

 

[Rock_of_Love]

Glad to hear things are working out. And, have fun on your vacay!!! It is always nice to get away and reconnect!!

 

[purrfectpear]

You tell your young man to get a grip

I have an 8 lb. Silky Terrier that I can set loose on his ankles if needed

 

[lulu]

Ooh! I think silky terriers are very cute. Gwen, glad you''re feeling better.

 

[Bella_mezzo]

glad you are working things out Gwen!!!

 

[AustenNut]

Date: 2/3/2010 3:12:26 PM
Author: Porridge
Thanks for the update Gwen, I''ve been thinking about you. I''m glad things worked out.


I hope J works out the anger issue, or communication, or whatever it is. {HUGS}

Dittoing Porridge, and just wanted to say that I''m glad things are going better for you.

 

[rainwood]

Gwen -

It''s good to hear the two of you are headed to Cornwall for some fun. It sounds like both of you could use a break from the everyday (and wedding-related) stresses.

 

[katamari]

So glad to hear this, Gwen. Open communication and awareness of the problems are HUGE. Have a wonderful time on your trip.

 

[oddoneout]

I''m glad things are going better.