l am so disappointed right now, l could scream and cry. Oh wait, l''ve been doing that since last n

[vc10um]

Gwen...I''m so sorry to hear you''re going through all this. (((HUGS))) to you.

Just wanted to kind of second what everyone else was saying about J''s reaction. Our first instinct as humans is to treat others how we would like to be treated in a particular situation. So perhaps, not knowing how to console you last evening, he simply did for you what he would have liked done for him: he gave you space. So I wouldn''t be too hard on him, unless you''ve explicitly told him that when you get very emotional, the best thing he can do is hold you.

 

[Kaleigh]

Date: 1/26/2010 3:42:02 PM
Author: MonkeyPie
Gwen, I am SO SORRY this is happening

I don''t think it is unreasonable for you to be upset about it, but I do think it''s unfair for J to be so insensitive

*hugs!!!*

Ditto. Gwen, sooooo sorry. This brought tears to my eyes, I know how important it is to YOU, and as well it should be...

HUGS!!!!

 

[Lauren8211]

Oh honey I am so sorry. That is an absolutely terrible situation.

I''m shocked that J would treat you in such a way! I know sometimes men are unsure how to handle an extremely upset woman, but yelling at you certainly doesn''t help the situation!

Obviously what others have said is good advice, cool off, revisit the situation. And of course, please update when you can.

*hugs*

 

[monkeyprincess]

It''s never fun to have your expectations dashed by others. But since they have decided not to go, I hope you can make the best of the situation and have fun with your family and friends and not let it ruin the event or affect your relationship with your fiance. It is too bad they told you one thing, but then when it came down to it, they didn''t follow through. Sadly, the only person we have any control over is ourselves. It doesn''t sound like these are the kind of in-laws with whom you will have a cozy relationship, but that seems to be the case for many people. I hope after you give yourself time to get used to the new plan, you don''t feel so sad.

As for your fiance''s reaction, I can somewhat relate. Nobody better say anything bad about my family! Except me But I''m sorry he disappointed you and wasn''t there for you when you needed him. Hopefully, that was just an isolated instance. Do take care of yourself!

 

[panda08]

Lots of thoughtful advice already given. Just wanted to pop in to give you a *HUG*

 

[choro72]

Gwen, if your family are going to the UK one, then J''s family should go to to the US one.

 

[oddoneout]

I''m so sorry all this is happening.

 

[rainwood]

Gwen, I''m sorry to hear you''re so unhappy. I totally agree with what Deco said, and hope that you can take her advice once you''ve had a chance to calm down, and think more clearly. I''d add the following:

There are four different issues going on here, and you need to separate out the ones that are most important to your long-term happiness:
1. Your relationship with the "bad" sister. She may not be your biggest fan, and that''s just something you''re going to have to accept. If that''s truly how she feels, coming to the U.S. reception wasn''t likely to have changed her mind. She is who she is.
2. Your relationship with your FMIL. Lots of us have MIL issues, I certainly have over the decades, and you need to realize they are going to drive you crazy sometimes, it''s just a matter of how. And it''s hard to know where the line is about criticizing your in-laws until you cross it. It happens to most of us at one time or another. I still cross it sometimes because she makes me so nuts, but I understand my husband''s reaction and don''t believe it''s a reflection of how he feels about me. I get mad when people who aren''t blood relatives criticize my family. It just feels wrong and I can''t explain why.
3. Your relationship with James. I don''t know you or him or your relationship, but lots of men get uncomfortable around big displays of emotion, and yours was really big. It doesn''t necessarily mean he doesn''t love you or doesn''t care for you. You need to talk about this together when you''re both calmer. He''s in the middle of a situation where he can''t make everyone or maybe anyone happy. That''s not a good place for him to be either.
4. Your relationship with the U.K. You need to figure out whether you can be happy living in the U.K. long term. Whitby raises some good points. If I remember correctly, the plan is to move to the U.S. sometime in the future but that would depend on a lot of variables. Are you okay if that doesn''t happen? You sound like you really don''t want to live in the U.K. long-term, but what if the opportunity to move back doesn''t present itself?

I hope tomorrow finds you in a better frame of mind.

 

[missjaxon]

I am so sorry to hear this Gwen! My heart broke for you reading about you sobbing to the point of vomiting. I really wish I could reach thru the computer screen and give you a great big hug! I truly hope things work out for you and that you can gain back some excitement for your wedding.

 

[purrfectpear]

As always, you got the typical "OMG, how horrible" and "he should be more sensitive" advice from the younger set, and a little calmer wisdom from the more experienced members

One thing you know you can count on Gwen, is me telling you frankly when I think you''re off base. This is one of those times hun. I do understand your disappointment about the future family members bailing out, but your reaction (while genuine) was a wee bit over the top. When you went from emotion overload to picking on his mom, you hit James'' trigger. Obviously he loves his momma (as you love your family) and he hated to hear you talk about her in less than glowing terms. He didn''t storm off to the living room to punish you or ignore you with the intent of causing hurt, he was out there dealing with what you said, and how it all put him in the middle. Cut him a bit of slack, you know he

you with all his heart.

Now, about the second wedding. Some people are very traditional, and they will never feel that any wedding but the first is the real wedding. Anything else is just a party to celebrate. Pull into The Knot and ask about your second wedding if you want to see how the majority of those women feel about having a second ceremony

So, while I think you explained how much it means to you quite eloquently, and I personally would want to attend, I don''t think it''s fair that we paint anyone who holds a lesser value on the 2nd ceremony as being selfish.

I really hope you don''t think I''ve been too harsh, I just wanted to derail that train that was headed off to "we aren''t suited to each other" before your emotions overcame your common sense. I''m critical of many relationships that have been posted about on PS, but you and James are not one of them. Remember you guys aren''t perfect, and forgive each other for family faux pas that can''t be controlled

 

[meresal]

Date: 1/26/2010 9:31:17 PM
Author: purrfectpear
As always, you got the typical ''OMG, how horrible'' and ''he should be more sensitive'' advice from the younger set, and a little calmer wisdom from the more experienced members

No matter the age or gender it is never ok to continue to yell at a person that is crying their eyes out.

IMO, it doesn''t matter if why she was doing it was irrational. You separate yourself and revisit when you are both calm. Yelling at a person that is so vulnerable is just ridiculous and there was no reason for it.

 

[mrscushion]

I''m sorry, Gwen, I feel terrible having read your post. I hate that you are so sad!

I understand why you are upset. His family not attending is really disappointing, and his mom, well she does seem very inconsiderate and overly impulsive.

I also think James and you have a very strong relationship and you should calmly discuss both of your positions once this has subsided a bit. I think it does not make sense to do a different wedding in the UK to accommodate your family members and not you and James. Stick with the wedding you''ve got. It''s their choice not to attend the US one.

I agree with PP that people do NOT like it when others criticize their family members. I know I think my parents have plenty of flaws, but if my SO says anything about them, I easily get defensive. They''re my parents after all! I''m not saying you''re not right for thinking your FMIL is totally crazy. I''m just saying I could see how regardless of that fact, James would be sensitive about it.

Again, I''m so sorry you are upset... it makes me upset, too.

 

[sba771]

Date: 1/26/2010 9:57:06 PM
Author: meresal

Date: 1/26/2010 9:31:17 PM

Author: purrfectpear

As always, you got the typical ''OMG, how horrible'' and ''he should be more sensitive'' advice from the younger set, and a little calmer wisdom from the more experienced members

No matter the age or gender it is never ok to continue to yell at a person that is crying their eyes out.


IMO, it doesn''t matter if why she was doing it was irrational. You separate yourself and revisit when you are both calm. Yelling at a person that is so vulnerable is just ridiculous and there was no reason for it.

I agree with this 100%. I also agree with Whitby. Moving abroad for someone adds an entire level of complexity and emotions to a relationship. Some are rational, some are irrational, but they are there and can be extremely difficult. I have been in therapy for almost a year trying to deal with them myself. Gwen I am 110% serious with my offer. I know you probably get to the US to take some time because of costs, but if Germany is cheaper you are welcome. I know how it feels to feel like you are ''stuck'' sometimes and trapped due to not being near any family or friends from back home. I also feel it isn''t wrong to sometimes need a little space in a relationship to calm down and just reprioritize and such. Doesn''t mean you don''t love the person or are going to break up, but sometimes space is needed, especially, as I said, in a moving abroad situation. It can get super tense.

 

[Deelight]

Date: 1/26/2010 1:02:34 PM
Author: princesss
Oh, Gwennie! My heart is breaking for you. *BIG HUGS* and much love coming to you from this side of the Atlantic.

Ditto except change the last bit to Oz - *massive hugs* sweetie I really feel for you, I also agree with Whitby as well

Hun if you ever need anything just holla

 

[Porridge]

Hugs Gwen. I'm sorry you're feeling so hurt. These are difficult times for you guys.

I agree with lot of what PP said. I certainly don't agree with J yelling at you while you were so upset.

One person moving for a partner is tough. You only have him to rely on, and he has the responsibility of being the only one there to support you emotionally. It is stressful for both people. Sit James down, have a good talk with him about how you are both dealing with those stresses. Discuss your feelings surrounding the wedding. Apologise for saying what you said about his mother. Tell him you didn't mean it. Maybe she is weird, and she was way out of line to do what she did. But she's his mother, and you just don't say things like that.

His sister can bugger off. Seriously. Be civil and all that, who knows what'll happen in time, but you're not close now and there's no point worrying about it. Sure it would be great if everyone was excited to come and meet your family. But people are selfish. And you don't have to be super close to these people. I know it's tough to meet people at this age, everyone has their own niches and things going on. But US and UK aren't a million miles away, culturally. Also, IIRC, aren't you musical? Would you join a choir, or a musical society? I'm biased, but I met a lot of friends in college and thereafter through musicals because of their very nature, late rehearsals etc. I'm slightly off topic, I'm sure you have lots of friends, it's just I know how important it is to find a social outlet when living abroad.

Focus on you and James, the rest will be ok. From what I read on PS, he sounds like a great guy.

To ditto sba, Ireland is only a hop, skip and a jump away!

 

[that_someone_special]

Hi Gwen... I hope you''re doing a bit better today.

***hugs***

 

[rhbgirl24]

I completely agree here. I dont think it is fair that you are planning a wedding there for them and they cannot even try to make it for your states wedding. However....

I understand that it is important to you to have everyone together, but people will be people. In general they are self absorbed. Its very sad that they wouldn't want to make the extra effort to do something that is important to you, but I really dont think there is much that you can do about it, even if you voice your opinion. They just dont have the same priorities as you - and I have found that no matter how how you try, no matter what you do, you simply cannot make people care. You know? Its hard, but its the truth.

However, you and J are a couple, should be a unit even if you have different opinions. Maybe he was just shell shocked over your response, but he SHOULD be supportive when you are upset. I think this is what you need to focus on. Go and talk to him about how he made you feel after you calm down a bit and see where things go from there.

The best of luck and the biggest HUGS!

 

[purselover]

PP said it far better than I could so I''ll just offer ***HUGS***

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 1/26/2010 9:57:06 PM
Author: meresal

Date: 1/26/2010 9:31:17 PM
Author: purrfectpear
As always, you got the typical 'OMG, how horrible' and 'he should be more sensitive' advice from the younger set, and a little calmer wisdom from the more experienced members

No matter the age or gender it is never ok to continue to yell at a person that is crying their eyes out. IMO, it doesn't matter if why she was doing it was irrational. You separate yourself and revisit when you are both calm. Yelling at a person that is so vulnerable is just ridiculous and there was no reason for it.

Lets revisit the story: So, while J was telling me all this last night, I kind of flipped out about J's mom (well, called her 'weird' but there were loooooots of other things that came to mind) and he got pissed and yelled at me for being "unfair" to his mother because "she's just trying to help." Yelled at me, while I was sobbing in supreme disappointment about his sisters not being able to come.

Um ... this doesn't sound like "continuing to yell at a person who is crying their eyes out". It sounds like an outburst on BOTH of their parts. Action/Reaction. He didn't follow her to her room and *keep* yelling at her to shut up or anything?? They *did* seperate to cool off. But now Gwen is upset he didn't cool off FASTER & run to comfort HER.

So all the "how horrible!" folks should maybe think about how their OWN arguments go and if they'd look so pretty written up on Pricescope before deciding this guy is a true villan here.

 

[shertz1981]

Gwen, I hope you''re feeling better. It is definitely wrong for them to treat the distance wedding as they are doing, and I am sorry that it''s putting stress on your fiance and you.

It''s a pity that one can''t wave a wand and change people, seriously. At least you know who and what they are, and you''ll be able to minimize their effect on your life by anticipating their reactions. Knowledge is helpful. But seriously, they''re jerks.

 

[elrohwen]

Oh Gwen, I''m so sorry

Big hugs.

I really can''t say it any better than PP and Deco - I think things will come into perspective when you both calm down a bit and you''re able to talk it out.

 

[meresal]

Date: 1/27/2010 11:05:50 AM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 1/26/2010 9:57:06 PM
Author: meresal

Date: 1/26/2010 9:31:17 PM
Author: purrfectpear
As always, you got the typical ''OMG, how horrible'' and ''he should be more sensitive'' advice from the younger set, and a little calmer wisdom from the more experienced members

No matter the age or gender it is never ok to continue to yell at a person that is crying their eyes out. IMO, it doesn''t matter if why she was doing it was irrational. You separate yourself and revisit when you are both calm. Yelling at a person that is so vulnerable is just ridiculous and there was no reason for it.

Lets revisit the story: So, while J was telling me all this last night, I kind of flipped out about J''s mom (well, called her ''weird'' but there were loooooots of other things that came to mind) and he got pissed and yelled at me for being ''unfair'' to his mother because ''she''s just trying to help.'' Yelled at me, while I was sobbing in supreme disappointment about his sisters not being able to come.

Um ... this doesn''t sound like ''continuing to yell at a person who is crying their eyes out''. It sounds like an outburst on BOTH of their parts. Action/Reaction. He didn''t follow her to her room and *keep* yelling at her to shut up or anything?? They *did* seperate to cool off. But now Gwen is upset he didn''t cool off FASTER & run to comfort HER.

So all the ''how horrible!'' folks should maybe think about how their OWN arguments go and if they''d look so pretty written up on Pricescope before deciding this guy is a true villan here.

The way I read it, was that he was continuining to yell after she started crying. I even stated that if her "flip-out" was irrational, which it very well could have been... I still don''t think it is ok to continue to yell at someone that is sobbing.

(If that is not how it actually happened, then obviously my point it mute in this case. All I have to go off of is her story.)

I don''t believe that I was one of the "How horrible" comments (I would have to check), but I also think that they both owe eachother an apology for how the whole situation escalated, and should sit down and try again.

DH and I have had our fare share of disagreements re: his family, and after almost 2.5 years of living together, we finally figured out something that works. We don''t talk about them. Ever.

Gwen, ours was at its worst during the wedding planning process and immediately after. It has gotten so much better though, and if you both come to a calm understanding about how you talk about eachother''s families, then it will cut out all of this "stuff" in the future. You are not always going to be happy with his family, and he will not be with yours, but you all need to figure out HOW to have those converstaions without hurting eachother.

 

[caribqueen]

Just wanted to say I know how hard it is to live away from family (though not as far as you) and family drama is a given, but I''m sure you will work through this. (hugs)

 

[lucyandroger]

Gwen,

I''m so sorry you''re hurting. You''ve gotten so much advice and I''m sure you don''t need anymore but I''ve thought a lot about this and am going to chime in anyway with my 2 cents.

I''m sure that you''ve worked really hard to come up with the compromise of two weddings and it feels terrible to have people not understand that. The thing is...is your family coming for the wedding in the UK? A lot of people don''t understand the idea of two weddings. Even so, if the idea of two weddings is one for the US people and one for the UK people...why should the UK people have to spend a few thousand dollars traveling to the second one?

I get that the sisters originally agreed to come but the reality of spending that much money on a "vacation" that they did not choose probably hit them hard. I bet James is just as upset about this as you are which is probably why he pulled away. What you saw as him being cold and callous was probably him turning all his emotions inward. My SO does this and it drives me insane so I totally feel for you - it''s frustrating, especially when you''re crying your eyes out!

Re the "weird" comment. Believe it or not, my SO and I had an argument after he called my brother "weird." While it may seem mild compared to other things you could have said, there is just something about your SO calling your family weird. I can''t explain it but I was furious so I feel for James with that one.

I think maybe it''s time to stop worrying about what the FSILs think about you, stop trying to make everyone else happy, and just think about what kind of wedding will appropriately celebrate Jame''s and your relationship.

 

[princesss]

Continued *hugs*. Living away from home (especially sooooo far away) can intensify your reaction to things that under normal circumstances wouldn''t bug you (or at least not as much). You and J have gone through a lot to really make this work. This is just a glitch that with a lot of communication and understanding you can get through.

We love you, Gwen, and we all want to see you happy.

 

[cleokizzy]

oh gwen! i''m so sorry to hear that your in your lows.... i dont have any advice but here some *hugs* and hopefully this will all be resolved soon. stop crying...

 

[bee*]

Oh Gwen, sorry to hear that things are a bit tough at the moment. I can totally understand why you''re disappointed if his family aren''t going to the US to celebrate with your family. In terms of J shouting, he was probably upset at hearing his mam being called a name. I can understand that as I''m so close to my family and would be quite annoyed at hearing DH slagging them off. When you''re both a bit calmer, sit down and have a chat and work things out. You and J always seem like such a lovely couple and I know you guys will work through things.

 

[yssie]

Oh no

Gwen, everyone has said everything I want to, so I'll just send a huge ::HUG!!::

 

[lulu66]

first i want to say that i''m sorry that your expectations of FILs were dashed & that you''re able to patch things up (or already have) with j. (((((((HUGS))))))))

Date: 1/27/2010 3:22:51 PM
Author: lucyandroger

I''m sure that you''ve worked really hard to come up with the compromise of two weddings and it feels terrible to have people not understand that. The thing is...is your family coming for the wedding in the UK? A lot of people don''t understand the idea of two weddings. Even so, if the idea of two weddings is one for the US people and one for the UK people...why should the UK people have to spend a few thousand dollars traveling to the second one?

i was wondering this too. b/c if the U.S. guests aren''t traveling for the UK wedding/reception, i could see where his sister & family are more likely to think that they are not "required" to attend the U.S. wedding. just a thought. but i don''t know the back story so i can''t really speculate. just wanted to say i''m sorry you''re going through this & hope everything works out beautifully in the end. remember, while it is lovely to have all of your friends and family present, this wedding (both of them

) is about you & j, no one else! you will both be there celebrating your love surrounded by people who you love & love you!

 

[makemepretty]

I also agree with everything purrfectpear said, 100% and couldn''t have put it any kinder.