It''s worse than I thought... Dealing with a ILs who hates you

[anchor31]

Date: 11/3/2009 1:46:54 AM
Author: swingirl
What''s up with DH repeating his family''s insults to you and not shutting them up. His first priority in life should be you and his child NOT his parents. And knowing this situation DH should not be subjecting you to his family twice a month. DH is throwing you under the bus so he can stay on his parents'' good side.

Let DH visit his family without you. And maybe he ought to help them get their washing machine fixed.

Now, really. As much as I''m not the bad guy with my ILs, DH is not the bad guy here. His first priority is me and the baby, which is why he is (reluctantly, but still) wondering if he should cut ties with them. Is wishing he could have his cake and eat it too throwing me under the bus? I don''t think so. He''s not forcing me to go have dinner there once or twice a month. I go because I wish we could all get along too. I wish. It''s not easy, but I''m a big girl. It''s hard enough for DH to have this kind of family drama, the least I could do is not add fuel to the fire.

As far as the washing machines go, they are out of order because they are renovating their bathroom. Which DH has been helping with, on top of fixing up the nursery for the baby coming next month and house-hunting. Not that it really matters here...

 

[anchor31]

Date: 11/3/2009 1:55:59 AM
Author: movie zombie

Date: 11/2/2009 3:44:06 PM
Author: Laila619
You cannot estrange your ILs from their future grandchild. That would not be right. Please don''t consider this. It is a bad situation, but that shouldn''t be the answer.

Just keep trying to be friendly with them, and I think eventually they will come around.

yes, you can! i wouldn''t expose my child to these people. they can either grow up and behave as well mannered adults or forfeit their rights to visitation privileges. i wouldn''t leave my child alone with them.....god knows what they''d say to the child!

mz

ps i also agree that your husband needs to further his stand and make it clear to them that 1-he never wants to hear another negative word about you to cross their lips. there are consequences to their actions. he will visit with them only on that condition. if they slip, he walks out. and that he will not subject you to their negativity until they prove to him...yes, prove to him...that they are capable of being well mannered adults. sure he''s feeling depressed! who wouldn''t. however, he does not need to subject himself to this abuse....because that is what it is, plan and simple and horrible emotional abuse. he needs to be clear with himself, then with them, mean what he says and be prepared to cut them off.

Yeah, we do worry about the effect of having them around might have on our child. Children are such sponges, I don''t want him/her around so much negativity... We''ve been talking about that. DH will have to lay down the law, and I guess from there all we can do is see what happens.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 11/3/2009 9:32:08 AM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
I think you should be there when he does talk to them. There needs to be transparency in this. You and your husband are a pair, you come together. If they want him to be part of their lives, they need to accept and respect you. By having him speak to them in private it''s reinforcing the ''us'' as in their nuclear family and ''you'' as in the issue. You need to show that you ARE part of the ''us'' whether you or they want you to be.

Hm, I hadn''t thought of that, but it makes a lot of sense. Thanks!

 

[anchor31]

Date: 11/3/2009 10:04:41 AM
Author: drk
Good luck to you and DH - the good part to this story is that the two of you are obviously on the same basic page about things, and have a strong relationship. You''re the most important person in his life, which is as it should be.

Hope to see a follow-up from you in a few weeks (or at the very least after your baby arrives) saying that they''ve been put in their place and are at least maintaining a facade of decency towards you. (And of course not badmouthing you towards DH any more!)

I think it is a lot harder when you''re shy and introverted like someone said you are (and I am). I''m sure there are people who think I''m standoffish and unfriendly. It''s weird though - I can be like that with family I don''t know well, or with people that have the potential to become friends, but when I''m in a work or school situation, I don''t have such a problem. I''ve had people at my new hospital tell me that I''m a people-person. I just don''t like constant contact with people, and still have my old childhood fear of rejection if I make an overture. I''m glad your DH appreciates you for who you are!

I''m not sure shy is the right word, but I am an introvert to some extent because I''m sensory defensive. I''ve been working on that a lot, but when I am in a situation where I feel overwhelmed (lots of noise, people, physical contact - being pregnant, you can imagine how hard it is for me to have people come up and touch my belly!), I tend to shut down a little. Which is why some people like my ILs may see me as unfriendly. Something that doesn''t help, I guess, is the whole "family culture" thing I also mentioned in my first post. In my family, manners and discretion were very important. I''m very polite, I don''t swear, don''t talk about sex or make jokes about bodily functions, etc., which may very well appear as uptight and snobbish to people who don''t have them same standards of what''s appropriate or not. Fortunately, DH is very good at respecting my boundaries. My ILs, not so much. It''s not something I can really expect to change, though!

 

[packrat]

I''m sorry about how the IL''s are treating you Anchor! I hope it gets better. I wonder too..maybe after the baby comes it might change things?

I didn''t have the friendliest relationship w/my MIL when JD and I got married, but I tended to vent to my mom and BFF rather than say anything to him b/c he was super super defensive of her. When I was pg, he still didn''t really "see" the problems I was having..he did, but not to the extent that he was willing to *tell* her how it had to be. Once London came, things started to change. He didn''t want her exposed to the negativity and dramatic crying and he started to get irritated by the 27 phone calls a day, that type of thing. My BFF was having problems w/her MIL at the same time, and I''d tell him about them too, and that also really helped drive home the issues. He tried to be subtle and nice about it at first to her, but it was quite apparent then it wasn''t sinking in. He pretty much had to tell her she was no longer welcome here unless she could be civil and he wouldn''t stand for anything that was going to upset his wife and daughter. Didn''t require yelling or even a raised voice. Just "Mom, this is my wife and my family, I don''t appreciate this at all and I absolutely will not stand for it. I will not allow this to continue. When you''re ready to treat her properly and act civil, you can come back" It took her..well, a long time..years..actually, of just seeing the kids for an hour at each of their birthdays during the year. But that was her choice, and it was also quite obvious that her love for her son and desire to see her grandchildren was trumped by the fact that she wanted to be right and she wanted to be number 1 in his life and couldn''t bring herself to be nice to me. She punished herself b/c she couldn''t act like an adult.

*sigh* I''m sorry I got all rambly..I''m just trying to say that maybe his thoughts will change once the baby comes. I know they''re his parents, and he doesn''t want to hurt them, but you''re his wife, and sometimes with people that are really bull headed (which is waaaay worse than just plain stubborn), the only way to get your point across and show that you mean business is to pull out the big guns and be point blank, no excuses.

Hugs to you, Anchor!!

 

[janinegirly]

I sympathise and have gone through similar things--maybe not as overtly, but similar issues (conflict, drama, saying things behind my back,etc.). I am also an introvert and have been accused of being a snob many times because of it! It really annoys me...b/c it assumes that there is something wrong with being reserved, which I refuse to accept.

I have a new baby also (oh geesh, she's 1 so maybe I can't call her a new baby anymore! haha), but only married 2 years, so there were growing pains that weren't resolved by the time baby came along. IL's are very polite to my face, but there is always underlying tension. They are also very very passive (started noticing this during our wedding planning, baby shower). I was always given excuses by DH and while I could accept it with things like a wedding and parties (technically can be considered more the bride's/wife's deal I suppose), it was harder with the arrival of a baby--that's both families equally! Meanwhile DH's family (despite living within an hour of us) never visited the hospital, sent no cards, no gifts and Xmas it was the same. I was very insulted. Never once did they babysit or offer. My family was the complete opposite, visiting, making us meals, watching the baby daily, showered with gifts, cards, well wishes. It seemed that Dh's family was all talk but no action while mine was the opposite! I started to pull away and not want to do all the"right" things (ie make efforts, reach out, ). I mean I was TIRED with the baby and it only makes sense to lean on the ones you can count on! And guess what? They started gossiping and making me the bad guy--insinuating that we were cutting them off and not visiting enough. Huh? I was reacting to their bizarre behavior (and what I felt was clear signs they either didn't like me or were not able to accept someone who didn't fall into lockstep)! This sounds similar to what you're going through..I believe someone mentioned passive-aggressiveness, which is how I would term it.

I don't have many solutions, but what we did was confront. I sat down with SIL and gave my side after it got to a bad point. I listed all the times I've been met with silence and crickets and how, with a baby, that was unacceptable to me and was why I made less effort in return. I also pointed out the times we HAD visited and the legit reasons for the times we couldn't. I think it helped to share my side. I always wanted DH to be the one to talk to his family, but he's a guy and sometimes he communicates it differently and forgets key pieces, so instead I did it with DH there. SIL also gave me their side. We agreed to make more efforts and that's where we are now. It's better, but still some issues (things like there are huge photos of DH's brother's wedding but none of us -- after 2 years of marriage comapred to 2 months of theirs). I'm trying to find ways to address theseissues subtlely without swallowing my pride (I'm going to give MIL big pictures of us for Xmas and suggest nicely that she can put them up in the house since I noticed she didn't have any .

I do think Tacori has a point about it being better to be happy than right. I have to admit I am not good at that. I'm stubborn and oppinionated and see things in categories of "right" and "wrong" and believe how one behaves (verbal and non verbal communication) are things people should be accountable for. If not, be prepared to explain yourself in an upfront conversation (not behind my back). I'm also a very loyal person--to the people who are loyal to me and I have high expectations of people who are close to me and vice versa (ie I'd like to think I'm 100% reliable and generous in return). So it's very hard for me to just grin and bear it sometimes when I feel consistently slighted or manipulated/set up to fail,etc.
Please keep us posted, I'd really like to see how you handle it and how it works for you. I think cutting off family however should only be the last resort in extreme cases. Your DH could come to resent you for it and your child would miss out. Of course there are cases where that absolutely has to happen, but I think there is still hope in your situation. However I also am not dealign with IL's who "hate" me--there is still desire on their part to make things better,--we just need to compromise on styles. IE they have to come out of their cocoon and make effort and I have to try to reach out more.

 

[cellososweet]

I have the most insanely difficult IL's, so I can relate. I think there are some threads out there on them.

We've run the gamut with them on emotional abuse. From bribery (we'll buy you a condo if you leave your wife), to harassing phone calls at work when DH refused to speak to them, to snide remarks likening me to ethnic minorities they have hired in their store that have turned out crooked, to comments that our future children will have an enormously difficult time in life because they will be multi-racial, lengthy emails and letters in hysterics, threats to break up our marriage (not sure how that works, but ok give it a go), begging and pleading with DH to move home to them after we were married (inappropriate much?!), phone calls scolding us for things that she assumed we had done but hadn't, how marrying me would ruin the family name. And then we have to deal with the personal attacks on my husbands character, his choice of profession, his choice of university where he got his degree, etc. It's quite lovely. (taste the sarcasm).

Your DH really needs to set boundaries. With the baby coming, there is someone else to think of that can't stand up for themselves. I'm in the same boat. Married, pregnant, 6 years together, and still having the "your parents are out of control" conversations. It's absurd.

DH is doing well with changing his approach with his parents. Standing up for himself and for his family more. Before the vow renewal, he told them that he wouldn't talk to them anymore if they continued to say negative things about me. They didn't stop, so he didn't talk to them for 9 months. I think that helped to get the ball rolling on them taking him and our marriage seriously. It was dramatic and ridiculous, but it was the only way to have any sanity in our marriage and the only way that DH could focus on his career, his education, his marriage, etc.

Now that the baby is coming, new boundaries need to be set and this is where we are in conversation about it. That's the crappy thing about this IL relationship thing. Just when you've set a boundary, life changes happen and new boundaries need to be set. Keep talking about it and try to get to a point where DH has a gameplan. Since you are still in the "talking badly about the wife stage," DH needs to set a boundary that he will not have contact with them if they continue to say negative things about you. Then he needs to stick with it. It's a shame, but honestly they need to stop. Also, make sure that you are stopping contact only because of things that you have personally heard them say. Nothing makes drama like "such and such said you said that I was xyz." Get my drift?

Anyway girl, I feel ya and it sucks! If I had my way, DH's family would casually drop off the face of the planet the day before I deliver, never to return. But well, what are the chances of that? So, we have to find a way to deal with it.

OH YEAH! And I agree that if DH isn't telling them off about their negative comments, then he shouldn't talk to you about it. Nothing hurts worse after a while when you realize that it's not the comment that stings, but the fact that your own spouse wouldn't stand up for you. Tell him to deal with it before it gets to that point. Trust me. Resentment is like cyanide to marriage.

 

[partgypsy]

Wow, you have my condolences. All I can say is that my own family can also be difficult and because of their own issues be overly, inappropriately critical of my husband. So I want to say first of all the way they are behaving towards you has nothing to do with you, just their own dysfunctions they are projecting (which I''m sure you figured out). As far as me, I have done some boundary setting, and when I visit them it''s my husband''s option whether he visits as well (usually doesn''t). Regarding the grandkids, they may surprise you. For both my brother''s kids and myself, everyone in our family is their "better self" and no drama when it comes to the grandkids including my divorced parents being at the same events, etc for the sake of spending quality time with the grandkids, so you never know. As my mom says her grandkids are one of the few unalloyed good things about her life and so she will do almost anything to keep that relationship.

Short answer, you can''t make someone like you. But at the least your husband should demand at the least they are courteous to you because you are part of their family by marriage and mother of their grandchild.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 11/3/2009 12:08:36 PM
Author: packrat
I''m sorry about how the IL''s are treating you Anchor! I hope it gets better. I wonder too..maybe after the baby comes it might change things?

I didn''t have the friendliest relationship w/my MIL when JD and I got married, but I tended to vent to my mom and BFF rather than say anything to him b/c he was super super defensive of her. When I was pg, he still didn''t really ''see'' the problems I was having..he did, but not to the extent that he was willing to *tell* her how it had to be. Once London came, things started to change. He didn''t want her exposed to the negativity and dramatic crying and he started to get irritated by the 27 phone calls a day, that type of thing. My BFF was having problems w/her MIL at the same time, and I''d tell him about them too, and that also really helped drive home the issues. He tried to be subtle and nice about it at first to her, but it was quite apparent then it wasn''t sinking in. He pretty much had to tell her she was no longer welcome here unless she could be civil and he wouldn''t stand for anything that was going to upset his wife and daughter. Didn''t require yelling or even a raised voice. Just ''Mom, this is my wife and my family, I don''t appreciate this at all and I absolutely will not stand for it. I will not allow this to continue. When you''re ready to treat her properly and act civil, you can come back'' It took her..well, a long time..years..actually, of just seeing the kids for an hour at each of their birthdays during the year. But that was her choice, and it was also quite obvious that her love for her son and desire to see her grandchildren was trumped by the fact that she wanted to be right and she wanted to be number 1 in his life and couldn''t bring herself to be nice to me. She punished herself b/c she couldn''t act like an adult.

*sigh* I''m sorry I got all rambly..I''m just trying to say that maybe his thoughts will change once the baby comes. I know they''re his parents, and he doesn''t want to hurt them, but you''re his wife, and sometimes with people that are really bull headed (which is waaaay worse than just plain stubborn), the only way to get your point across and show that you mean business is to pull out the big guns and be point blank, no excuses.

Hugs to you, Anchor!!

Thanks for sharing your story. DH will definitely have to put on his "big boy pants" again, like he did when we got married. It''s so frustrating because I thought we were passed that... DH is really the one hurting the most in this case and I hate that he has to go through this again. I have a hard time understanding how they can not be willing to get passed whatever ill feelings they may have towards me for his sake, you know?

 

[anchor31]

Date: 11/3/2009 12:44:37 PM
Author: janinegirly
I sympathise and have gone through similar things--maybe not as overtly, but similar issues (conflict, drama, saying things behind my back,etc.). I am also an introvert and have been accused of being a snob many times because of it! It really annoys me...b/c it assumes that there is something wrong with being reserved, which I refuse to accept.

I have a new baby also (oh geesh, she''s 1 so maybe I can''t call her a new baby anymore! haha), but only married 2 years, so there were growing pains that weren''t resolved by the time baby came along. IL''s are very polite to my face, but there is always underlying tension. They are also very very passive (started noticing this during our wedding planning, baby shower). I was always given excuses by DH and while I could accept it with things like a wedding and parties (technically can be considered more the bride''s/wife''s deal I suppose), it was harder with the arrival of a baby--that''s both families equally! Meanwhile DH''s family (despite living within an hour of us) never visited the hospital, sent no cards, no gifts and Xmas it was the same. I was very insulted. Never once did they babysit or offer. My family was the complete opposite, visiting, making us meals, watching the baby daily, showered with gifts, cards, well wishes. It seemed that Dh''s family was all talk but no action while mine was the opposite! I started to pull away and not want to do all the''right'' things (ie make efforts, reach out, ). I mean I was TIRED with the baby and it only makes sense to lean on the ones you can count on! And guess what? They started gossiping and making me the bad guy--insinuating that we were cutting them off and not visiting enough. Huh? I was reacting to their bizarre behavior (and what I felt was clear signs they either didn''t like me or were not able to accept someone who didn''t fall into lockstep)! This sounds similar to what you''re going through..I believe someone mentioned passive-aggressiveness, which is how I would term it.

I don''t have many solutions, but what we did was confront. I sat down with SIL and gave my side after it got to a bad point. I listed all the times I''ve been met with silence and crickets and how, with a baby, that was unacceptable to me and was why I made less effort in return. I also pointed out the times we HAD visited and the legit reasons for the times we couldn''t. I think it helped to share my side. I always wanted DH to be the one to talk to his family, but he''s a guy and sometimes he communicates it differently and forgets key pieces, so instead I did it with DH there. SIL also gave me their side. We agreed to make more efforts and that''s where we are now. It''s better, but still some issues (things like there are huge photos of DH''s brother''s wedding but none of us -- after 2 years of marriage comapred to 2 months of theirs). I''m trying to find ways to address theseissues subtlely without swallowing my pride (I''m going to give MIL big pictures of us for Xmas and suggest nicely that she can put them up in the house since I noticed she didn''t have any .

I do think Tacori has a point about it being better to be happy than right. I have to admit I am not good at that. I''m stubborn and oppinionated and see things in categories of ''right'' and ''wrong'' and believe how one behaves (verbal and non verbal communication) are things people should be accountable for. If not, be prepared to explain yourself in an upfront conversation (not behind my back). I''m also a very loyal person--to the people who are loyal to me and I have high expectations of people who are close to me and vice versa (ie I''d like to think I''m 100% reliable and generous in return). So it''s very hard for me to just grin and bear it sometimes when I feel consistently slighted or manipulated/set up to fail,etc.
Please keep us posted, I''d really like to see how you handle it and how it works for you. I think cutting off family however should only be the last resort in extreme cases. Your DH could come to resent you for it and your child would miss out. Of course there are cases where that absolutely has to happen, but I think there is still hope in your situation. However I also am not dealign with IL''s who ''hate'' me--there is still desire on their part to make things better,--we just need to compromise on styles. IE they have to come out of their cocoon and make effort and I have to try to reach out more.

Ugh... Isn''t passive agressiveness the most annoying thing ever? How do they expect to resolve any issues if they act this way?? In any case, you are absolutely right, I would not want DH to start resenting me. That''s why, while I asked if we could buy our house somewhere that''s more of a middle ground between our two families (right now we''re 15 minutes from his and 75 from mine), I never brought up cutting them off. Like I told Laila, the decision must come from him. I''ll make sure that DH understands that and that he tells his parents so if it ever comes to this. I''ll probably be the bad guy to them anyway (you know how this kind of people is never the ones doing things wrong, right?

), but not to my DH.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 11/3/2009 1:08:37 PM
Author: cellososweet
I have the most insanely difficult IL''s, so I can relate. I think there are some threads out there on them.

We''ve run the gamut with them on emotional abuse. From bribery (we''ll buy you a condo if you leave your wife), to harassing phone calls at work when DH refused to speak to them, to snide remarks likening me to ethnic minorities they have hired in their store that have turned out crooked, to comments that our future children will have an enormously difficult time in life because they will be multi-racial, lengthy emails and letters in hysterics, threats to break up our marriage (not sure how that works, but ok give it a go), begging and pleading with DH to move home to them after we were married (inappropriate much?!), phone calls scolding us for things that she assumed we had done but hadn''t, how marrying me would ruin the family name. And then we have to deal with the personal attacks on my husbands character, his choice of profession, his choice of university where he got his degree, etc. It''s quite lovely. (taste the sarcasm).

Your DH really needs to set boundaries. With the baby coming, there is someone else to think of that can''t stand up for themselves. I''m in the same boat. Married, pregnant, 6 years together, and still having the ''your parents are out of control'' conversations. It''s absurd.

DH is doing well with changing his approach with his parents. Standing up for himself and for his family more. Before the vow renewal, he told them that he wouldn''t talk to them anymore if they continued to say negative things about me. They didn''t stop, so he didn''t talk to them for 9 months. I think that helped to get the ball rolling on them taking him and our marriage seriously. It was dramatic and ridiculous, but it was the only way to have any sanity in our marriage and the only way that DH could focus on his career, his education, his marriage, etc.

Now that the baby is coming, new boundaries need to be set and this is where we are in conversation about it. That''s the crappy thing about this IL relationship thing. Just when you''ve set a boundary, life changes happen and new boundaries need to be set. Keep talking about it and try to get to a point where DH has a gameplan. Since you are still in the ''talking badly about the wife stage,'' DH needs to set a boundary that he will not have contact with them if they continue to say negative things about you. Then he needs to stick with it. It''s a shame, but honestly they need to stop. Also, make sure that you are stopping contact only because of things that you have personally heard them say. Nothing makes drama like ''such and such said you said that I was xyz.'' Get my drift?

Anyway girl, I feel ya and it sucks! If I had my way, DH''s family would casually drop off the face of the planet the day before I deliver, never to return. But well, what are the chances of that? So, we have to find a way to deal with it.

OH YEAH! And I agree that if DH isn''t telling them off about their negative comments, then he shouldn''t talk to you about it. Nothing hurts worse after a while when you realize that it''s not the comment that stings, but the fact that your own spouse wouldn''t stand up for you. Tell him to deal with it before it gets to that point. Trust me. Resentment is like cyanide to marriage.

Yes, I think I remember reading about issues with you multi-raccial marriage. Intolerance really sucks, and I have a hard time understanding it. Sure, you have a different skin colour and/or come from a different country, but so what? In my case, I think one of the (possibly many) issues, or maybe the main issue, is that I come from a family where everyone has a college degree, whereas in his family, nobody does. His parents tend to regard people who have higher standing jobs (ie: engineer vs draftsman and information technologist vs daycare nanny) as entitled, pompous, etc. I think they think that my family and I look down on them. Which is kind of sad, because we don''t. Honestly, if you''re happy and you do what you want to do, we couldn''t care less if you''re the garbage truck guy or the next Bill Gates. And if I really looked down on people who don''t have college degrees, I wouldn''t have married DH. I''m actually very proud of him because he''s honestly one of the best at what he does. Top of his class, landed a job right after graduation, and you should hear the praise he gets from his bosses. All that without any support from his family.

Anyway, thanks for the advice. I''ll have a talk with the hubbs, and I''ll keep your suggestions in mind.

 

[anchor31]

SDL - Your turkey makes me laugh! When is Thanksgiving in the US?

I agree that it is stupid to have to tell an adult to stop acting like a child. It''s stupid and infuriating, but I guess sometimes it''s necessary. I''m glad things are better for you now, but I''m sorry about your dad...

 

[junebug17]

Anchor, I''m chiming in a little late here but I just wanted to let you know I feel so badly for you, and am angry for you as well. You do not deserve the treatment you are receiving, you are a member of this family now and should be treated with respect and civility. I am truly sorry you have to go through this.

I was going to say that DH should focus on how their comments are making HIM feel, maybe that will have more of an effect on their behavior, you would hope that they would care how their son/brother feels, for goodness sake. And it might take the focus off of you a little, so they can''t blame you for DH saying something to them. How frustrating that you have to deal with this again. These people obviously need a refresher course, and hopefully dh can firmly let them know that negative comments about you will not be tolerated, he will hang up the phone, leave the house, whatever, if anyone starts in. It''s true that you can''t make someone like you, but you shouldn''t have to deal with nasty comments said behind your back. Hugs to you, I hope things get better for you, I really do!!!

 

[anchor31]

Date: 11/3/2009 2:41:00 PM
Author: part gypsy
Wow, you have my condolences. All I can say is that my own family can also be difficult and because of their own issues be overly, inappropriately critical of my husband. So I want to say first of all the way they are behaving towards you has nothing to do with you, just their own dysfunctions they are projecting (which I''m sure you figured out). As far as me, I have done some boundary setting, and when I visit them it''s my husband''s option whether he visits as well (usually doesn''t). Regarding the grandkids, they may surprise you. For both my brother''s kids and myself, everyone in our family is their ''better self'' and no drama when it comes to the grandkids including my divorced parents being at the same events, etc for the sake of spending quality time with the grandkids, so you never know. As my mom says her grandkids are one of the few unalloyed good things about her life and so she will do almost anything to keep that relationship.

Short answer, you can''t make someone like you. But at the least your husband should demand at the least they are courteous to you because you are part of their family by marriage and mother of their grandchild.

The projection thing is what I think too. Sometimes I wonder if they just don''t want us to be happy, because if we are and they''re not (and believe me they''re not), that means they did something wrong... But they could never have done anything wrong, could they? The best thing to do is undoubtedly to not let them "win" and not let them try to make us unhappy. The irony is that our marriage, despite their efforts, is quite a happy one, and they''re just digging a grave for themselves and their relationship with DH, not our marriage. If it didn''t affect DH so much I probably wouldn''t even care... I guess he''ll have to overcome his grief and let it go.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 11/3/2009 3:56:47 PM
Author: junebug17
Anchor, I''m chiming in a little late here but I just wanted to let you know I feel so badly for you, and am angry for you as well. You do not deserve the treatment you are receiving, you are a member of this family now and should be treated with respect and civility. I am truly sorry you have to go through this.

I was going to say that DH should focus on how their comments are making HIM feel, maybe that will have more of an effect on their behavior, you would hope that they would care how their son/brother feels, for goodness sake. And it might take the focus off of you a little, so they can''t blame you for DH saying something to them. How frustrating that you have to deal with this again. These people obviously need a refresher course, and hopefully dh can firmly let them know that negative comments about you will not be tolerated, he will hang up the phone, leave the house, whatever, if anyone starts in. It''s true that you can''t make someone like you, but you shouldn''t have to deal with nasty comments said behind your back. Hugs to you, I hope things get better for you, I really do!!!

Thank you, you are absolutely right about him focusing his discussion with them on how their behaviour affects him so to not make it about me so much, since he''s the one most affected.

 

[Cehrabehra]

I''m not sure I''d judge them too harshly on the ''being nice to your face and badmouthing you behind your back'' thing as you are doing that too... being nice to their face and saying how horrible they are to others. That said - screw that BS no one needs to be subjected to it - I would stay away from them. Estrangement seems unnecessary when apathy works just as well without long term consequences. If your husband wants to confront them and lay down some boundaries, that''s great. If you want to just slowly increase the gap that might be even better. but think first - are you hurt by them or do you genuinely not like them or value them... if you are hurt you may be able to salvage things with a lot of work and communication (honest communication not the mutual fake nice thing both sides have been doing) but if you don''t value them and you want them gone, then you need to come up with a plan with your husband that you can both live with and maybe that involves him traveling without you here on out. I wouldn''t subject myself to them if they were jerks. Okay - this is what *I* would do lol - you sound like a much nicer and non confrontational person and I know you can''t change them so you either have to find a way to eat it or stay away from them.