It''s worse than I thought... Dealing with a ILs who hates you

[anchor31]

My relationship with my in-laws has never been easy. My marriage is not a cross-culture one, but it often feels like it since our families are such opposites. His parents in particular are very loud, interfering and rude people who constantly complain about everything, and they have been on the edge of a divorce for the last ten years and are constantly fighting and badmouthing each other to their children. As an introvert who values discretion, hates conflict and tries to see more than the negative side of everything, I find spending any period of time with them difficult. Despite that, we see them once or twice a month and I have always made an effort to be nice and civilized when we spend time with them. There was major drama surrounding our engagement and wedding plans, but the past 15 months have been pretty drama-free, in comparison. To the exception of FIL who never acts nice with anyone, MIL, BIL and SIL have been all acting as civilized with me as I have with them, and I figured that we might never like each other, at least we could get along when we see each other.

But for the past few months, stuff''s been popping up. First, my BIL told DH he thought I was uptight and a snob. Then, SIL, after I didn''t visit her with DH because I was having bad morning/motion sickness and wasn''t feeling up to a two-hour road trip, said I was trying to keep DH away from his family and never wanted to see them. And yesterday, DH told me that when FIL suggested to MIL that they called us to ask if they could use our washing machines (theirs have been out of order for about a week), she refused because I was going to be there. Fine, let her keep her dirty laundry, but WTF is up with the hypocrisy? While I''m genuinely doing everything I can to be nice to them, it turns out they are not even trying, but just pretending to be nice to me.

What''s up with acting all nice to my face and then telling DH how horrible they think I am? We had to whole ILs vs me thing when we were engaged and DH chose me over them. He loves me and does not believe I''m a snob who''s trying to keep him away from his family and who''s so horrible I wouldn''t let his mom use my washing machines, so if they think he''s going to give credit to anything they say, they are sadly mistaken. Of course it''s hurtful that they would think of me that way, but there''s nothing I can do about it so I try to let it go... But DH is really upset and I''m afraid is starting to be rather depressed because of all this. Not only do his parents hate each other, they hate his wife. He''s starting to wonder if he should estrange his family for the sake of our child because he doesn''t want him/her to be exposed to all this negativity, but he doesn''t want to. Despite everything, they''re still his parents and he still loves them...

My point is that I don''t know what to do. I don''t think there''s anything I can do that would actually help. I don''t want our child exposed to this either and if it was up to me, I would estrange them, but it''s not up to me. I don''t know. I guess I''m looking for a bit of sympathy, and if anyone has any words of wisdom for me, I''d appreciate it. Thanks everyone...

 

[princesss]

Oh, Anchor. I''m so sorry. I remember you talking about what is was like during the engagement, and I was so hoping things would improve.

I wish I had advice for you, but this is so far out of the realm of what I''ve ever dealt with that I''ve got nothing to offer but hugs. I''ve got a lot of those for you, though, honey.

*hug*

 

[drk]

Oh boy, does that ever sound like a sh!tty situation. It doesn''t sound like you can do a heck of a lot more than you are already doing, nor does it sound like they''re the type of people you will ever be able to please. How can they say that you want to prevent their son from seeing them, when you told him to go visit without you because you weren''t feeling well? I just don''t get it.

I''d probably give them a last chance with the baby coming up soon, since I wouldn''t want to deprive my kid of half the family without a last-ditch effort. And they may change their tune a bit when the baby''s here - it''ll be hard to see the baby without seeing you!

I would have a very hard time dealing with the two-facedness of it though, being ok to your face, and then complaining to your DH about you. I think he should say something to them, actually. Tell them that you''re doing all you can to be nice and include them, and they can either be nice to you and be a part of your extended family, or that''s it. He should also tell them that he doesn''t want to hear complaints or them badmouthing you.

If they''re still misbehaving after the baby is born, despite the added incentive to mend their relationship with you, it would be hard for me to do anything but cut them off.

Your story makes me so glad that I''m lucky enough to have great in-laws. They haven''t complained that I made their son move across the Atlantic, welcome me with open arms whenever we visit, and my FIL even very generously gave me a huge gift of money when I finished my residency program earlier this year. My own parents gave me nothing! Not even a card to say congrats. I wish we lived closer to them and could spend more time with them. Maybe they appreciate that I''m a good influence on DH in a way - before me, he was a swinging bachelor, never brought a girl home to meet them, rarely went to visit, and if he did, it was for a night, then he''d be back off to his regular life, which he hardly shared with them at all. When we go visit, we spend more time, he''s not out driving all over to see old friends every night, and probably spends more quality time with them now than he did before.

I hope things work out better for you in the future. I have no great advice to offer, but can lend a sympathetic ear.

 

[Paz]

***Hugs***

I'm so sorry that you have to deal with this! There is nothing you can do to change their opinion of you (because you're not doing anything wrong!) and I don't think that you should change your behavior. Continue being cordial to them and have your DH deal with them when they say things about you.

One thing that really gets me is, WHY is your DH telling you these things?! I thought my ILs liked me until my DH told me some nasty things they said about me. It only served to hurt ME and caused me to have bad feelings towards them. I had to ask him to stop telling me the bad things they said about me so that I wouldn't feel horrible about my ILs. Maybe you can have a talk with your DH and ask him to refrain from repeating their unkind words to you. I know it's hard for him to deal with, but you shouldn't have to be hurt by them. If he can't help himself from telling you then he should end the conversation with them the MINUTE they say anthing negative about you.

 

[Laila619]

You cannot estrange your ILs from their future grandchild. That would not be right. Please don''t consider this. It is a bad situation, but that shouldn''t be the answer.

Just keep trying to be friendly with them, and I think eventually they will come around.

 

[Kaleigh]

Kill them with kindness? I dunno, it''s a hard situation. If it were me, I''d talk to them and tell them you know what they are saying and you don''t appreciate it. But sounds like that''s not something you''d be comfortable doing...

 

[Bia]

Date: 11/2/2009 3:44:06 PM
Author: Laila619
You cannot estrange your ILs from their future grandchild. That would not be right. Please don''t consider this. It is a bad situation, but that shouldn''t be the answer.

Just keep trying to be friendly with them, and I think eventually they will come around.

hmmm...what makes you think that they will just come around? They sound very passive aggressive - and it''s obvious their ''efforts'' are not genuine in the slightest.

anchor, I''d suggest you sit down and talk with them. Make it clear that this situation, whatever it is, is NOT working and it''s only going to make being a ''happy'' family that much harder when the baby gets here. If you want your in-laws in your life (even if it''s just a friendly-but-not-close relationship), try to find some middle ground with them - if for no other reason than to help alleviate some of your husband''s stress. You don''t need the stress either.

If they continue to make your life impossible, then you may have to keep them away. Sometimes harsh measures are in order to get through to people, especially family.

My mother''s parents made my parents'' lives impossible when they first got married - I think in an attempt to drive them crazy so they''d fight and break it off (they were only 19 & 20 when they got married). So in retaliation my parents unplugged their phone and made themselves inaccessible for an entire year (one WHOLE year). Eventually my mom called her family and they reconciled, but my folks held strong as a team - making it clear that they weren''t going to take any more s***. And they didn''t...and it got better. Over the years my father got close to my mom''s family. Happily ever after? Sort of lol.

The point is, it is possible, even if it doesn''t seem likely at the moment.

 

[zhuzhu]

{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}
Just want to say I am sorry for how they are treating you....

 

[MonkeyPie]

Date: 11/2/2009 3:44:06 PM
Author: Laila619
You cannot estrange your ILs from their future grandchild. That would not be right. Please don''t consider this. It is a bad situation, but that shouldn''t be the answer.

Just keep trying to be friendly with them, and I think eventually they will come around.

It''s anchor''s decision, and not one that I think she would make lightly. As much as we all would like to think the best of people, it is obvious that they will not "come around", though they may very well act a lot differently towards their grandchild.

Has your DH mentioned to them that he doesn''t like badmouthing his wife? That would be EXTREMELY helpful - they can feel however they like about you, but constantly putting you down to your DH is just ridiculous, and he really needs to say something to them.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I am so sorry you are going through this. I think your DH needs to talk to his family. But there are some things you can do for YOU in the meantime. You do not have to accept unacceptable behavior. You cannot and should not argue or try to convince them you are right. Someone asked me recently if I rather me *right* or *happy.* Happiness is the difficult choice for most of us to make b/c naturally we all think we are right with our choices and decisions. In reality sometimes being right is meaningless. Being happy is what will bring you peace. That is the ONLY thing in your control (your own happiness). Remember that you will never understand everything and everyone. Some people will always be enigmas but you don''t have to let them negatively affect your life. I also have trouble with people who don''t make sense to me but realize I am only punishing myself. It is a process but with practice you will get there and you will no longer take their comments personally. These are their issues not your issues. As long as you have been honest with yourself and your involvement in their negative impressions they have on you, you should let it go. Now, if you realized that maybe you have contributed in their negative views towards you then you can make amends and try to mend the bridges that divide you. Also you need to learn to detach. Detachment is a tricky one but it will allow them to remain in your life with boundaries you set. When all else fails move far, far away

Good luck.

 

[KimberlyH]

My husbands'' family and mine are very different. Unfortunately his family members are all deceased but it has been hard at times for him to fall into the fold of my family because they are so different from what he is used to. There is no ongoing argument between them, they like each other well enough, he just doesn''t understand some of them or how we all interact with one another (and the reverse is true sometimes, I''m sure). Luckily he knows they come from a place of love and so even when they do things that overstep his boundaries he keeps that in mind.

My sister does not get along well with a few of her in-laws. They did some terrible things and after several years she decided she was done being involved. She doesn''t prevent her husband or son from seeing them, but she does not participate in events that those family members will be attending.

I think it''s important to remember that different isn''t always wrong, and while from your perspective they are intrusive, and while you may be making a consistent effort it is still hard for them to see it because you are a self-described introvert. I think you need to tell your husband to stop sharing the things they say with you, it only adds fuel to the fire; I would also tell him that you hope when they make these comments he cuts them off and tells them they are out of line. Then, when you do see them continue to be friendly but just be you and know that there''s nothing wrong with that. Hang in there.

 

[cara]

Anchor, ugh. As in, what ugly people say things behind your back.

But your DH should not be repeating these ugly things that are said about you *unless* he has already brought it up directly and immediately with his family, and he is still so upset that he needs to explain himself or talk it over with you as his spouse rather than you, the subject of their ill-mannered comments.

It sounds like the truly hard part is what this is doing to your DH''s relationship with his family members, not whatever insults they might be sending to you. Which is a good sign for your marriage but not a good sign for your husband''s relationship towards his family.

The standard therapy line is to try to set boundaries and detach from people before cutting off all contact, as it is generally easier on everybody unless this situation is really severe. Not that those are simple or easy things to do, but try. If your husband hasn''t told his family that insulting his wife is upsetting him and causing him to rethink his relationship and contact with them, he should speak up. Because its better to tell them to stop insulting you *before* he''s royally angry at them and ready to never see them again and at least give them a chance to act decent. Clearly any warm fuzzy feeling you might have had towards them are now underground, but if you can manage a cordial, more distant relationship with them it might be less difficult on your DH and provide some benefit for your kid(s). Unless they grow truly toxic.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I''ve been where you are...and continue to be where you are. The difference is, I''ve learned to move past their feelings towards me and I now project myself as positively towards them as possible.

Here''s the deal, my IL''s are tough--very similar to yours. Really, really painfully hard on me. My MIL in particular who has gone out of her way to embarrass and hurt me. My FIL has made cutting comments. My BIL & SIL are very cold towards me. Overall, it''s not the ideal situation--and certianly not the family dynamic I dreamed of when I married my husband. However, in the past few months as situations have arose I''ve stopped reacting emotionally and addressed them logically. I make an effort to stop and think before I speak...their behavior is a reflection on them, esspecially when I''m doing my very best. My DH sees this, and his reassurance is comforting to me.

My best advice would be to follow my attitude. It makes my life easier. When I would break down, cry, and stress...they won. Their efforts to isolate me and make me feel like an outsider were confirmed when I was outwardly effected. By taking it in and thinking it over, I gave myself back power...if something is said, or done, or not done...my reaction towards that speaks the loudest. If they are looking for a reaction by intentionally doing something, I give them the opposite. Privately I can be frusterated or sad...I can even cry...but to their face I make a serious effort to remain completely uneffected. If something hurtful is said in my direction...I smile or laugh or make a joke out it. Once I''ve stopped reacting, they''ve stopped looking for a reaction. It''s not perfect, but it''s as good as it''s ever been.

I think talking only gets so far. If they aren''t open, then you might as well talk to the wall, or better yet, save your breathe. Some people are open to hearing what you think or how you feel...others aren''t. I''d venture to say that if they are being overly snarky at your expense then they aren''t a couple that is really interested in how you''re feeling. I think that controlling what you can and pushing forward by being yourself is going to be your golden ticket. It may never be perfect, but you can''t feel responsible for that. Be the very best version of yourself that you can and let the rest seek its own level.

((hugs))

 

[swingirl]

What''s up with DH repeating his family''s insults to you and not shutting them up. His first priority in life should be you and his child NOT his parents. And knowing this situation DH should not be subjecting you to his family twice a month. DH is throwing you under the bus so he can stay on his parents'' good side.

Let DH visit his family without you. And maybe he ought to help them get their washing machine fixed.

 

[movie zombie]

Date: 11/2/2009 3:44:06 PM
Author: Laila619
You cannot estrange your ILs from their future grandchild. That would not be right. Please don''t consider this. It is a bad situation, but that shouldn''t be the answer.

Just keep trying to be friendly with them, and I think eventually they will come around.

yes, you can! i wouldn''t expose my child to these people. they can either grow up and behave as well mannered adults or forfeit their rights to visitation privileges. i wouldn''t leave my child alone with them.....god knows what they''d say to the child!

mz

ps i also agree that your husband needs to further his stand and make it clear to them that 1-he never wants to hear another negative word about you to cross their lips. there are consequences to their actions. he will visit with them only on that condition. if they slip, he walks out. and that he will not subject you to their negativity until they prove to him...yes, prove to him...that they are capable of being well mannered adults. sure he''s feeling depressed! who wouldn''t. however, he does not need to subject himself to this abuse....because that is what it is, plan and simple and horrible emotional abuse. he needs to be clear with himself, then with them, mean what he says and be prepared to cut them off.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 11/2/2009 1:53:58 PM
Author: princesss
Oh, Anchor. I''m so sorry. I remember you talking about what is was like during the engagement, and I was so hoping things would improve.

I wish I had advice for you, but this is so far out of the realm of what I''ve ever dealt with that I''ve got nothing to offer but hugs. I''ve got a lot of those for you, though, honey.

*hug*

Thanks, princesss. I guess there has been some improvement since MIL is no longer throwing tantrums, but I guess while I''ve been working on moving passed that, I guess she''s just been letting the resentment fester. She''s very good at that and is making quite a habit out of it, so I guess I shouldn''t be taking it personally.

 

[Lorelei]

Date: 11/3/2009 1:55:59 AM
Author: movie zombie

Date: 11/2/2009 3:44:06 PM
Author: Laila619
You cannot estrange your ILs from their future grandchild. That would not be right. Please don't consider this. It is a bad situation, but that shouldn't be the answer.

Just keep trying to be friendly with them, and I think eventually they will come around.

yes, you can! i wouldn't expose my child to these people. they can either grow up and behave as well mannered adults or forfeit their rights to visitation privileges. i wouldn't leave my child alone with them.....god knows what they'd say to the child!

mz

ps i also agree that your husband needs to further his stand and make it clear to them that 1-he never wants to hear another negative word about you to cross their lips. there are consequences to their actions. he will visit with them only on that condition. if they slip, he walks out. and that he will not subject you to their negativity until they prove to him...yes, prove to him...that they are capable of being well mannered adults. sure he's feeling depressed! who wouldn't. however, he does not need to subject himself to this abuse....because that is what it is, plan and simple and horrible emotional abuse. he needs to be clear with himself, then with them, mean what he says and be prepared to cut them off.

Ditto MZ, you can indeed stop contact with them if they continue this behaviour.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 11/2/2009 1:55:48 PM
Author: drk
Oh boy, does that ever sound like a sh!tty situation. It doesn''t sound like you can do a heck of a lot more than you are already doing, nor does it sound like they''re the type of people you will ever be able to please. How can they say that you want to prevent their son from seeing them, when you told him to go visit without you because you weren''t feeling well? I just don''t get it.

I''d probably give them a last chance with the baby coming up soon, since I wouldn''t want to deprive my kid of half the family without a last-ditch effort. And they may change their tune a bit when the baby''s here - it''ll be hard to see the baby without seeing you!

I would have a very hard time dealing with the two-facedness of it though, being ok to your face, and then complaining to your DH about you. I think he should say something to them, actually. Tell them that you''re doing all you can to be nice and include them, and they can either be nice to you and be a part of your extended family, or that''s it. He should also tell them that he doesn''t want to hear complaints or them badmouthing you.

If they''re still misbehaving after the baby is born, despite the added incentive to mend their relationship with you, it would be hard for me to do anything but cut them off.

Your story makes me so glad that I''m lucky enough to have great in-laws. They haven''t complained that I made their son move across the Atlantic, welcome me with open arms whenever we visit, and my FIL even very generously gave me a huge gift of money when I finished my residency program earlier this year. My own parents gave me nothing! Not even a card to say congrats. I wish we lived closer to them and could spend more time with them. Maybe they appreciate that I''m a good influence on DH in a way - before me, he was a swinging bachelor, never brought a girl home to meet them, rarely went to visit, and if he did, it was for a night, then he''d be back off to his regular life, which he hardly shared with them at all. When we go visit, we spend more time, he''s not out driving all over to see old friends every night, and probably spends more quality time with them now than he did before.

I hope things work out better for you in the future. I have no great advice to offer, but can lend a sympathetic ear.

drk - You''re right. DH offered to talk to them, so next time it comes up I think I''ll suggest that he does. If they have a problem with me and want to fix it, they can talk to me. If they don''t want to fix it, he doesn''t want to hear about it. Pretty much like he told them from the b!tching each other thing.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

I think you should be there when he does talk to them. There needs to be transparency in this. You and your husband are a pair, you come together. If they want him to be part of their lives, they need to accept and respect you. By having him speak to them in private it''s reinforcing the "us" as in their nuclear family and "you" as in the issue. You need to show that you ARE part of the "us" whether you or they want you to be.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 11/2/2009 2:05:30 PM
Author: Paz
***Hugs***

I''m so sorry that you have to deal with this! There is nothing you can do to change their opinion of you (because you''re not doing anything wrong!) and I don''t think that you should change your behavior. Continue being cordial to them and have your DH deal with them when they say things about you.

One thing that really gets me is, WHY is your DH telling you these things?! I thought my ILs liked me until my DH told me some nasty things they said about me. It only served to hurt ME and caused me to have bad feelings towards them. I had to ask him to stop telling me the bad things they said about me so that I wouldn''t feel horrible about my ILs. Maybe you can have a talk with your DH and ask him to refrain from repeating their unkind words to you. I know it''s hard for him to deal with, but you shouldn''t have to be hurt by them. If he can''t help himself from telling you then he should end the conversation with them the MINUTE they say anthing negative about you.

That''s a valid question. Seeing his family constantly fighting is difficult for him, and he''s always relied on me for support. Maybe he doesn''t realized that when I''m concerned, I''m not the best person to rely on! I''ll talk to him, ask him not to tell me. If he needs someone to talk to and doesn''t know where to go, maybe some counselling could help...

 

[anchor31]

Date: 11/2/2009 3:44:06 PM
Author: Laila619
You cannot estrange your ILs from their future grandchild. That would not be right. Please don''t consider this. It is a bad situation, but that shouldn''t be the answer.

Just keep trying to be friendly with them, and I think eventually they will come around.

Estranging them or not is not my decision. It''s my DH''s; it''s his family after all. If he decides to do this, considering the way they''ve been treating us isn''t exactly "right" either, I say they dug their own grave.

Saying that they''ll come around eventually is quite a naive thing to say. We''ve been together for 5½ years... If they''d have been any "coming around" to do, they''d have done it already.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 11/2/2009 3:55:45 PM
Author: Kaleigh
Kill them with kindness? I dunno, it''s a hard situation. If it were me, I''d talk to them and tell them you know what they are saying and you don''t appreciate it. But sounds like that''s not something you''d be comfortable doing...

I wouldn''t be, because they would probably deny it and it would probably reinforce the "bad guy" image they have of me. Because those people are never wrong, right? I''ve always let DH deal with his family, so the next time it comes up, I''ll ask him to talk to them.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 11/2/2009 4:31:50 PM
Author: Bia

Date: 11/2/2009 3:44:06 PM
Author: Laila619
You cannot estrange your ILs from their future grandchild. That would not be right. Please don''t consider this. It is a bad situation, but that shouldn''t be the answer.

Just keep trying to be friendly with them, and I think eventually they will come around.

hmmm...what makes you think that they will just come around? They sound very passive aggressive - and it''s obvious their ''efforts'' are not genuine in the slightest.

anchor, I''d suggest you sit down and talk with them. Make it clear that this situation, whatever it is, is NOT working and it''s only going to make being a ''happy'' family that much harder when the baby gets here. If you want your in-laws in your life (even if it''s just a friendly-but-not-close relationship), try to find some middle ground with them - if for no other reason than to help alleviate some of your husband''s stress. You don''t need the stress either.

If they continue to make your life impossible, then you may have to keep them away. Sometimes harsh measures are in order to get through to people, especially family.

My mother''s parents made my parents'' lives impossible when they first got married - I think in an attempt to drive them crazy so they''d fight and break it off (they were only 19 & 20 when they got married). So in retaliation my parents unplugged their phone and made themselves inaccessible for an entire year (one WHOLE year). Eventually my mom called her family and they reconciled, but my folks held strong as a team - making it clear that they weren''t going to take any more s***. And they didn''t...and it got better. Over the years my father got close to my mom''s family. Happily ever after? Sort of lol.

The point is, it is possible, even if it doesn''t seem likely at the moment.

Thanks for sharing your parents'' experience with me, Bia. They definitely need to be put in their place, and if we have to go with the "desperate times call for desperate measures" approach, then so be it.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 11/2/2009 5:25:13 PM
Author: zhuzhu
{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}
Just want to say I am sorry for how they are treating you....

Thanks, zhuzhu.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 11/2/2009 5:42:47 PM
Author: MonkeyPie

Date: 11/2/2009 3:44:06 PM
Author: Laila619
You cannot estrange your ILs from their future grandchild. That would not be right. Please don''t consider this. It is a bad situation, but that shouldn''t be the answer.

Just keep trying to be friendly with them, and I think eventually they will come around.

It''s anchor''s decision, and not one that I think she would make lightly. As much as we all would like to think the best of people, it is obvious that they will not ''come around'', though they may very well act a lot differently towards their grandchild.

Has your DH mentioned to them that he doesn''t like badmouthing his wife? That would be EXTREMELY helpful - they can feel however they like about you, but constantly putting you down to your DH is just ridiculous, and he really needs to say something to them.

You''re right, it is ridiculous. I''ll talk to him, and next time they do this, they won''t know what hit ''em.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 11/2/2009 6:46:07 PM
Author: Tacori E-ring
I am so sorry you are going through this. I think your DH needs to talk to his family. But there are some things you can do for YOU in the meantime. You do not have to accept unacceptable behavior. You cannot and should not argue or try to convince them you are right. Someone asked me recently if I rather me *right* or *happy.* Happiness is the difficult choice for most of us to make b/c naturally we all think we are right with our choices and decisions. In reality sometimes being right is meaningless. Being happy is what will bring you peace. That is the ONLY thing in your control (your own happiness). Remember that you will never understand everything and everyone. Some people will always be enigmas but you don''t have to let them negatively affect your life. I also have trouble with people who don''t make sense to me but realize I am only punishing myself. It is a process but with practice you will get there and you will no longer take their comments personally. These are their issues not your issues. As long as you have been honest with yourself and your involvement in their negative impressions they have on you, you should let it go. Now, if you realized that maybe you have contributed in their negative views towards you then you can make amends and try to mend the bridges that divide you. Also you need to learn to detach. Detachment is a tricky one but it will allow them to remain in your life with boundaries you set. When all else fails move far, far away

Good luck.

Thank you for your suggestions, Tacori! I believe that this is already the way I behave. I never try to antagonize them (on purpose, at least). I do try to detach myself, but it''s really hard to watch what it''s doing to DH. Having a love/hate relationship with his family is pretty devastating for him.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 11/2/2009 7:24:35 PM
Author: KimberlyH
My husbands'' family and mine are very different. Unfortunately his family members are all deceased but it has been hard at times for him to fall into the fold of my family because they are so different from what he is used to. There is no ongoing argument between them, they like each other well enough, he just doesn''t understand some of them or how we all interact with one another (and the reverse is true sometimes, I''m sure). Luckily he knows they come from a place of love and so even when they do things that overstep his boundaries he keeps that in mind.

My sister does not get along well with a few of her in-laws. They did some terrible things and after several years she decided she was done being involved. She doesn''t prevent her husband or son from seeing them, but she does not participate in events that those family members will be attending.

I think it''s important to remember that different isn''t always wrong, and while from your perspective they are intrusive, and while you may be making a consistent effort it is still hard for them to see it because you are a self-described introvert. I think you need to tell your husband to stop sharing the things they say with you, it only adds fuel to the fire; I would also tell him that you hope when they make these comments he cuts them off and tells them they are out of line. Then, when you do see them continue to be friendly but just be you and know that there''s nothing wrong with that. Hang in there.

I think you put your finger on something very important in your last paragraph. I even talk to DH about this once. As an introvert, I often feel overwhelmed by them and I guess despite my best efforts I may appear a bit detached, maybe even cold, to them.

Thank you. I''ll make sure DH knows I don''t want to hear about anymore of this, and that he should tell them that he doesn''t want to hear about it either.

 

[anchor31]

Date: 11/2/2009 8:20:35 PM
Author: cara
Anchor, ugh. As in, what ugly people say things behind your back.

But your DH should not be repeating these ugly things that are said about you *unless* he has already brought it up directly and immediately with his family, and he is still so upset that he needs to explain himself or talk it over with you as his spouse rather than you, the subject of their ill-mannered comments.

It sounds like the truly hard part is what this is doing to your DH''s relationship with his family members, not whatever insults they might be sending to you. Which is a good sign for your marriage but not a good sign for your husband''s relationship towards his family.

The standard therapy line is to try to set boundaries and detach from people before cutting off all contact, as it is generally easier on everybody unless this situation is really severe. Not that those are simple or easy things to do, but try. If your husband hasn''t told his family that insulting his wife is upsetting him and causing him to rethink his relationship and contact with them, he should speak up. Because its better to tell them to stop insulting you *before* he''s royally angry at them and ready to never see them again and at least give them a chance to act decent. Clearly any warm fuzzy feeling you might have had towards them are now underground, but if you can manage a cordial, more distant relationship with them it might be less difficult on your DH and provide some benefit for your kid(s). Unless they grow truly toxic.

Ah, cara, I think you got it. As I said, sure, I find it difficult, but it''s even harder to see what it''s doing to DH. Despite their shortcomings, he loves his family. He can''t help it. So yes, he needs to talk to them because they are hurting him.

 

[drk]

Good luck to you and DH - the good part to this story is that the two of you are obviously on the same basic page about things, and have a strong relationship. You''re the most important person in his life, which is as it should be.

Hope to see a follow-up from you in a few weeks (or at the very least after your baby arrives) saying that they''ve been put in their place and are at least maintaining a facade of decency towards you. (And of course not badmouthing you towards DH any more!)

I think it is a lot harder when you''re shy and introverted like someone said you are (and I am). I''m sure there are people who think I''m standoffish and unfriendly. It''s weird though - I can be like that with family I don''t know well, or with people that have the potential to become friends, but when I''m in a work or school situation, I don''t have such a problem. I''ve had people at my new hospital tell me that I''m a people-person. I just don''t like constant contact with people, and still have my old childhood fear of rejection if I make an overture. I''m glad your DH appreciates you for who you are!

 

[anchor31]

Date: 11/2/2009 8:44:40 PM
Author: Italiahaircolor
I''ve been where you are...and continue to be where you are. The difference is, I''ve learned to move past their feelings towards me and I now project myself as positively towards them as possible.

Here''s the deal, my IL''s are tough--very similar to yours. Really, really painfully hard on me. My MIL in particular who has gone out of her way to embarrass and hurt me. My FIL has made cutting comments. My BIL & SIL are very cold towards me. Overall, it''s not the ideal situation--and certianly not the family dynamic I dreamed of when I married my husband. However, in the past few months as situations have arose I''ve stopped reacting emotionally and addressed them logically. I make an effort to stop and think before I speak...their behavior is a reflection on them, esspecially when I''m doing my very best. My DH sees this, and his reassurance is comforting to me.

My best advice would be to follow my attitude. It makes my life easier. When I would break down, cry, and stress...they won. Their efforts to isolate me and make me feel like an outsider were confirmed when I was outwardly effected. By taking it in and thinking it over, I gave myself back power...if something is said, or done, or not done...my reaction towards that speaks the loudest. If they are looking for a reaction by intentionally doing something, I give them the opposite. Privately I can be frusterated or sad...I can even cry...but to their face I make a serious effort to remain completely uneffected. If something hurtful is said in my direction...I smile or laugh or make a joke out it. Once I''ve stopped reacting, they''ve stopped looking for a reaction. It''s not perfect, but it''s as good as it''s ever been.

I think talking only gets so far. If they aren''t open, then you might as well talk to the wall, or better yet, save your breathe. Some people are open to hearing what you think or how you feel...others aren''t. I''d venture to say that if they are being overly snarky at your expense then they aren''t a couple that is really interested in how you''re feeling. I think that controlling what you can and pushing forward by being yourself is going to be your golden ticket. It may never be perfect, but you can''t feel responsible for that. Be the very best version of yourself that you can and let the rest seek its own level.

((hugs))

I''ve never gotten upset in front of them or anything, so I don''t think that''s the issue. Talking to them is indeed like talking to a brick wall, so I don''t bother. If DH does, it might work, who knows. I guess we''ll see what happens.