It''s my birthday party...pay up!

[Kaleigh]

Wow, that''s just insane. My group of friends always go out and celebrate birthdays, the birthday girl never pays. We split the bill, but the bday girl doesn''t pay. I have one friend that when we celebrate her birthday, we are ready to pay, only to find out that her hubby called the restaurant ahead and took care of the tab for us. So sweet!!!

 

[jewelerman]

Date: 9/10/2008 7:10:05 PM
Author: mercoledi

Date: 9/10/2008 7:01:15 PM
Author: purrfectpear

Date: 9/10/2008 4:36:06 PM

Author: mercoledi

That is just so nasty, underhanded and rude!


I''ve actually been a victim of this. Years ago I was rotating through a lab, so I was only there for 8 weeks. Around week 3 it was someone''s birthday, so the lab went out to lunch to celebrate. Now, I''m lucky in that I have a stipend, but it still isn''t much and I never carry much cash. At lunch I ordered a small sandwich or salad or something; something small that I knew I had cash to cover easily. Everyone else was ordering platters, big dinner size things etc. I thought it was odd, but I hadn''t known these people for long so I didn''t think much of it. When the check came, the boss just divided the total by the number of us!


I don''t remember if I came up short or managed to cover it, but my $7 lunch quickly became over twice that. Everyone else had been ordering big to beat the average- getting a $20 meal for $14 from suckers like me. It was flabbergasting.


I''m embarrassed for us as a society that ANYONE thinks sticking someone else with a tab is ok. I only recently learned that bridesmaids have to buy their own dresses. I just don''t get it.

While I can sympathize you felt you were on a budget, I think most of us in the work world would think this was fairly normal for the B-Day lunch of a coworker? Rather than assume that they were trying to ''stick you'' with their platters, did it occur to you that they might have been entirely comfortable with a nicer lunch? I know we do lunches in my group and we just order whatever we feel like eating. Some get salads, some guys might get a platter, some have water, some have coke. We would think it was tacky to sit around and worry about who paid an extra few bucks. We just count heads (excluding the b-day guest) and divide up. In 35 years in the work world at several different companies, I''ve never seen it done any other way

It''s not that I felt I was on a budget, I was on a budget. Lucky you to never have to sweat $7. I can see that that''s a reasonable strategy for most gainfully employed people, and certainly since then I''ve lunched with people, but I''ve never assumed that they would pay bill/person, I always look at it to see if it''s even and ask if everyone''s cool with dividing it up. In this case some people owed a few dollars, some owed thirty, is wasn''t like it was close. This lab was notoriously cheap, and this wasn''t an isolated incident. I suppose you''d have to know them to get that out of my summary.

The boss should have had the commom sense to explain to you as the new person at work that this is how the staff does the birthday lunchs...giving you an oppertunity to give input...if i had spent 7 bucks i would not be bullied into 14...i would give the boss my share and a few more dollars for the b-day co-worker...not your fault that the boss didnt share the organizational culture with you before going to lunch...and gainfully employed or not many people dont spend 14 bucks on lunch and if you spend 7 then 14 is way to high to be expected to shell out.

 

[lovegem]

$500?? NO WAY! Unless I was told in the invitation that it would cost this much to pay for the b-day person (then I would choose not to go).

Usually I assume the bday friend doesn''t pay and the guests split the bill. The max I am willing to pay is $50 for a very good friend. Best friend will be $100.

 

[vita*dolce]

oh my god!! what kind of friend expects you to throw down $500 for their birthday??? i don''t know if it''s just me, since i''m a poor student and all, but that''s CRAZY!!

i would walk out, too.

 

[neatfreak]

Wow, I just cannot believe these things. I cannot believe that people even organize these things and then have the cojones to ask people to pay afterwards. When I invite people to a party, unless they ask if they can bring anything (and even then I usually say no), then I assume I am paying for everything.

And PP I have to disagree...I think it's tacky to assume that everyone else's financial situation is such so that they can cover the cost of the bigger spenders' lunches. It's different if you are among close friends/coworkers and you know everyone's situation, but at a work event where there are new people, I DO think it's weird to have everyone order away and expect to split the tab equally.

When we go out for someone's birthday everyone throws in some extra $ to cover the birthday gal/guy but at the same time no one expects others to subsidize their meal if they ordered big. No one nitpicks the bill, but people generally know the cost of what they ordered and then chip in a bit more for the birthday person.

 

[lovesparklies]

My friends and I also usually divide the bill equally minus the birthday girl/guy and that''s totally fine. It kind of makes me uncomfortable when I''m the birthday girl but it''s the norm, so I deal.

But in general, splitting the bill is one of my pet peeves. Someone always gets screwed. It''s ok when it''s a group you often go out with and it all evens out in the end, but so often people take advantage of the situation (like mercoledi''s coworkers). I also have friends who I know will drink two bottles of nice wine themselves at dinner while I am drunk after two glasses and I''ve learned to do different activities with friends like that, like go shopping or out for coffee. I hate that I probably come across as cheap but it really was a problem when I was poorer than poor in grad school and now I can''t shake the habit.

 

[Elmorton]

Ugh, yes, I HATE splitting the tab evenly. Unless the meal is family-style, to me, it''s simply rude to divide a tab when you''ve ordered something that is more expensive than what another person ordered. When DH and I go out with friends, we all specify how the bill should be split prior to ordering. Of course, I''m a few years out of college (as are my friends) and none of us are in an especially cozy financial position nor do typically we dine anywhere where entrees exceed $20. Even in a nicer restaurant, usually my friends just pass around the bill and you put in what you owe and add in your tip. We never divide it up evenly.

For birthdays, bachelorettes, etc usually it''s the situation already described - your gift from friends is their covering your dinner and everyone pays for their own way plus the couple of dollars toward the plate of whoever is being honored, but I don''t think b-day person or bachelorette ever assumes this - you''re always prepared to cover your own dinner.

Honestly, I doubt this routine will change much even as my friends and I get older and more established...I think it''s pretty much the norm for midwestern middle class folks.

 

[deegee]

I hate it when someone else pays for my food. It just makes me feel really bad for some reason. We went out with another couple for my birthday this year. I had 3 glasses of wine with dinner without looking at the price, ordered salad, dinner and dessert. Our friends grabbed the check and paid for both of our meals. I felt like a total dog.

I feel like if I invited people out to dinner or if they are there for me, then my hubby should pay!

 

[miraclesrule]

IMO, the birthday girl is never supposed to pay. In an Ideal world, the birthday girl is married to very rich man so the guests never have to pay...sort of like the formal birthday dinner I am going to next week.

In the case of my birthday, however, everyone throws down money after the dinner (presumably enough to pay for what they consumed with enough for the tip and to contribute to the birthday girls tab). Then the host, usually my daughter or a friend, will have to make up the difference if there are some slackers. I do the same if hosting their birthday bash.

But if the birthday girl has the dough and wants to throw her own party, I wouldn''t have a problem with it. I have a friend who does that every year. And it is always one heck of a party.

 

[partgypsy]

We had the opposite thing happen. (We thought) it was customary in our group for the birthday person is treated with something, whether it be drinks, a free meal, something. One year my sister and brother in law suggested our group of friends go out to dinner to celebrate my hubby''s birthday (4 couples). It was at a steak restaurant but not a fancy or expensive one. We we''re all in a good mood, and while waiting for our table we go to the bar and my hubby buys drinks for everyone. We have dinner, people were having a good time, but no other birthday activities (gifts or cake). At the end of the evening my hubby pulls out his wallet, but silence, so we end up paying for his meal. He really felt deflated and hurt by that, especially as many times when it has been the other foot he has bought or contributed to other people''s meals for celebrations. Since then for our birthdays we either throw a party at our house, or we just go out the two of us.

Part of it is that my husband is very generous when we go out, both in getting drinks for other people, tipping, etc, maybe raising expectations? Now that I read these comments I wonder, even though it wasn''t our idea, if they were expecting us to pay for everything?

 

[Jelly]

Wow, I can totally relate to this thread.

Being a non-drinker, I can''t tell you how many times I have had to cover for alcohol that someone else consumed! It''s very frustrating, because a regular $20-30 meal (me) ends up being more like $80-90 part on me because I am covering someone else''s wine. It''s just plain rude!

I have a friend who always picks the most expensive restaurants to go for their bday party. Since it''s only once a year it''s no big deal, but I dread the big parties because the waiter/waitress will get stiffed if the gratuity is added...I''m glad that''s a standard procedure at restaurants with large parties.

 

[jewelerman]

I wasnt going to mention this and should have in my earlier thread....when I decided to go back to college I lived on very limited funds like many students here,but would continue to be invited out for b-day celerations or a group dinner...to keep the budget under control i would eat before going to dinner and then order soup or something small and ask that i have my check seperate from the groups bill...this way i could avoid being included in the splitting up of the bill.I always however threw in a few dollars to go toward the b-day persons dinner if this was the occasion.This way i could still go out with friends and be social instead of turning down invites because of the cost of dinner.

 

[miraclesrule]

Getting an email for $500? [/i]

 

[arjunajane]

Date: 9/10/2008 5:42:43 PM
Author: roppongi
I am looking through my deleted emails to see if I can find my story....

My friend hosted a beautiful birthday dinner for herself in the private dining room at the Four Season's in San Francisco, she invited 5 couples. At the end of the dinner she put her card down and we left. It was a very nice night.

The next day we all received an email in a group distribution.

Mr. and Mrs. Roppongi $452.55 (2 - three course tasting menu and five glasses of wine)
Mr. and Mrs. Jones $425.92 (2 - three course tasting menu and four glasses of wine)
Mr. and Mrs. Smith $500.00 (2 - three course tasting menu, five glasses of wine and 3 mixed coctails)
Mr. Paul and Mr. Chad $300.00 (2 - three course tasting menu, two glasses of wine)
Ms. Bday girl and BF $400.00 (2 - three course tasting menu and wine)

And for good measure she spit the cost of the private dining room amongst her guests.

Everyone was furious. One couple that attended emailed her and said that this was the tackiest thing that they have ever recevied.

It happens.

Geez, this is just plain sad - I cannot believe they were keeping tabs on what everyone drank aswell

As far as spliiting the bill, funny that this thread should come up now - just this past weekend I had my first instance of witnessing similiar behaviour.
It was a work celebration/dinner as one girl was leaving - we all had meals that were very closely priced and a drink or 2 each. When the bill came, we worked it out split evenly (minus the person we were sending off). It came to about $20, not much, and everyone put in their money and were getting ready to leave..

One woman, whom I had not met before, kept grabbing the cheque up and was poring over it, looking disapproving - eventually I realized she was saying she wanted to do individual billing, as her meal had been more like $17

It was just really bad form, as everyone had already paid up and moved on, it looked so tacky.

 

[Irishgrrrl]

It really annoys me when this kind of thing happens. "Tacky" is just not an adequate word!

Here''s my story: DH and I met another couple (good friends of ours) at our favorite local bar to celebrate our anniversary. Each couple was running a separate tab. The guy from the other couple offered to buy us all a round of drinks to congratulate us on our anniversary. He and his GF paid their tab and left shortly thereafter. Imagine DH''s and my surprise when we went to pay our tab and saw that the round of drinks he supposedly bought us for our anniversary had been charged to OUR tab! It shouldn''t have surprised us that much, though . . . this guy has been suspected of doing shady things like that in the past. Which is really sad because his GF is a very nice person and would be horrified I''m sure if she knew he had done this!