It''s my birthday party...pay up!

[TravelingGal]

So, what do you think about this?

http://www.cnn.com/2008/LIVING/wayoflife/09/10/lw.pay.for.my.party/index.html

I see it two ways....generally, if a group of people go out for someone''s birthday, it''s understood that the birthday person does not pay. (Obviously in the first story''s case, it''s ridiculous). But the group can pick where they go for the birthday person''s bday, with input.

However...

When it''s my birthday, I would prefer to pay for everyone. I am not sure, but I think it may be customary for Koreans to do this. For TGuy''s bday this year, I invited 20 of our friends out for dinner and paid for everything, even though they all tried to pitch in.

Thoughts? What''s the etiquette?

 

[jcarlylew]

i think its all in the wording.
If t is "I would like to take you out" i dont except to pay, but i still offer
if it is "would you like to celebrate with me" then i except to pay or help pay (at least pay for myself)

and if the parents are going - i leave the wallet at home jk!

 

[Skippy123]

Wow, that is so rude!!! I have been invited to things and paid for myself which is sort of a given but the story of the $500 dinner now that is crazy. I still can't believe that!!!

I do think it depends if friends are just getting together and the wording.

I had my 30th birthday at a club and of course paid for it to be catered and the drinks were paid for before hand so that people would just show up and celebrate with me; I can't even imagine asking them to pay for my party!! It is like inviting people to weddings and saying by the way please send a check of $300 because that is how much it cost to feed you and your hubby and a portion of my decorations is allocated to the cost of your bill. I much rather pay for my own parties, thank you.

 

[Lauren8211]

I read this article also. I was waiting for someone to post it, since it seems we all read the same news websites.

In my social circle, the birthday person never pays. Granted, I don''t have friends that would spend that much money on a dinner, either. Typically how it goes is the b-day person goes for their wallet (because one should never expect to be paid for) and everyone yells "No, put that away!" and the dinner is paid for by friends.

I would never call someone out for not paying. Not just because that is rude and presumptuous, but because I wouldn''t care. If I invite a friend to a birthday, it''s because I want them there, not because I want them to pay for my birthday meal. I would have no problem paying for my own meal, but in my circle that just doesn''t happen. The last thing I want is to alienate a friend because they can''t afford to help pay my meal.

I''ve never had a birthday person pay for everyone, but that may just be because we''re freshly out of college and just beginning our careers and trying to save money. If I had the means, I''d have no problem taking everyone out for my birthday.

 

[strmrdr]

The one that does the inviting pays unless someone else offers to or it is agreed before hand that others pay.
In my family we often do birthday dinners where everyone pays their own.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 9/10/2008 12:35:00 PM
Author: elledizzy5
I read this article also. I was waiting for someone to post it, since it seems we all read the same news websites.

In my social circle, the birthday person never pays. Granted, I don''t have friends that would spend that much money on a dinner, either. Typically how it goes is the b-day person goes for their wallet (because one should never expect to be paid for) and everyone yells ''No, put that away!'' and the dinner is paid for by friends.

I would never call someone out for not paying. Not just because that is rude and presumptuous, but because I wouldn''t care. If I invite a friend to a birthday, it''s because I want them there, not because I want them to pay for my birthday meal. I would have no problem paying for my own meal, but in my circle that just doesn''t happen. The last thing I want is to alienate a friend because they can''t afford to help pay my meal.

I''ve never had a birthday person pay for everyone, but that may just be because we''re freshly out of college and just beginning our careers and trying to save money. If I had the means, I''d have no problem taking everyone out for my birthday.

I think that makes sense and it is understandable depending on where the social group is in their lives. When I was in college, you couldn''t pay for everyone''s dinner and birthdays were celebrated at Olive Garden or Claimjumpers where a large group might only have to chip in a buck or two for your meal.

I''m already planning for TGuy''s 40th (which is 3.5 years away and he better not be reading this!). I want to invite about 12 of his guy friends for a golf weekend in La Jolla to play at Torrey. I''d be paying for a round of golf for all of them, accommodations and dinner. I figure it will cost me about 6 grand so I need to put aside 2K a year for it. I''m sure for my birthday, I''m going to get a "happy birthday" and that''s it.

My current group of friends seem to pay for their own parties, but the guests buy them really nice gifts. We do take birthday people out for dinner though, so there''s a nice balance.

 

[strmrdr]

I don''t get the second part of the story, food is always to be shared under that invite around here and everyone would assume so.
I''m going to have to change any invite I might send out to bring food to share... sheesh.
I cant imagine having too but sheesh.

 

[luckystar112]

Wow. Those are crazy stories.

Reminds me of a bach party DH attended a few months ago.
The grooms brother (the best man) had rented one of those huge party busses for the night. He kept callng DH and telling him that he had a spot on the bus if he wanted it. DH declined because when the bus was scheduled to pick everyone up, he would still be at work on the other side of town (houston...a big town!). The only way that he would have been able to go on the bus would have been if he left work early, drived to our side of town, and then got on the bus with them only to go BACK to where he came from. Made no sense. So instead he just brought some clothes to work with him and ended up meeting them at one of the many stops they made. While there, the brother went around to collect money from everyone, including DH! DH pointed out to him that he wasn''t on the bus, and the brother argued that it didn''t matter, that the point was for the groom to have a good time.

It was only like $75 per person or something like that, but DH said "thanks but no thanks". I think what sucked the most about it was the that afterward DH felt like the only reason why he had even been asked to go was to help fund the party bus (it wasn''t a close friend of DHs).

 

[LuckyTexan]

That article made me want to throw rocks.

I''ve never encountered this. When I have a party at my house, you come, and enjoy yourself, and go home. I honestly don''t understand people who would do it any other way!

Maybe I''m old fashioned, but the way things are being done these days seems very COLD, and selfish!

That sushi story was horrid! Could you imagine!?

I had a really big party for my DS when he turned 1 and invited every relative I have in the area... there was about 50 people here. We started at like 5 am with a trip to the bay, and DH got fresh caught seafood... and the spread was gorgeous... I did it all myself, and even had the cake made half white half chocolate, with the white side made with no chocolate or red anywhere near it for a cousin who has allergies.

I think my family and neighbors would have laughed at me if I had suggested they PAY me for anything at the party!!!

If you are invited to come to anything by me... the bill is ON ME! Coffee... lunch... whatever! It''s on me! What is this world coming to!?

 

[LuckyTexan]

Date: 9/10/2008 12:34:31 PM
Author: Skippy123
Wow, that is so rude!!! I have been invited to things and paid for myself which is sort of a given but the story of the $500 dinner now that is crazy. I still can't believe that!!!

I do think it depends if friends are just getting together and the wording.

I had my 30th birthday at a club and of course paid for it to be catered and the drinks were paid for before hand so that people would just show up and celebrate with me; I can't even imagine asking them to pay for my party!! It is like inviting people to weddings and saying by the way please send a check of $300 because that is how much it cost to feed you and your hubby and a portion of my decorations is allocated to the cost of your bill. I much rather pay for my own parties, thank you.

I had my 29th at a club... the club I met DH at... and we bought a package with the club... fully catered dinner and drinks all around... and they gave us little tokens for our guests drinks... 2 each... and I imagine after 2 drinks they just started paying for their own... but we paid for the dinner and first 2... which IMO is QUITE adequate to enjoy a party haha! I know for sure 3 people had more than 2 but many just enjoyed the party at our expense and went home... the invites didn't say anything about who was paying for what... I honestly have never come across anything like this! So odd!

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 9/10/2008 12:25:19 PM
Author:TravelingGal

When it''s my birthday, I would prefer to pay for everyone. I am not sure, but I think it may be customary for Koreans to do this. For TGuy''s bday this year, I invited 20 of our friends out for dinner and paid for everything, even though they all tried to pitch in.

Thoughts? What''s the etiquette?

I don''t know about the etiquette but I think that scenario is different from others.

If it were my birthday and I wanted to take my friends out for a great dinner/party, then I would pay. I''m inviting so I should pay. However, if my friends got together and said they wanted to celebrate my birthday then they should pay.

Likewise, if I''m doing a party for my FI I would pay for it. But if his friends decided to throw him a party, then they should pay.

 

[LuckyTexan]

Date: 9/10/2008 12:45:53 PM
Author: luckystar112
Wow. Those are crazy stories.

Reminds me of a bach party DH attended a few months ago.
The grooms brother (the best man) had rented one of those huge party busses for the night. He kept callng DH and telling him that he had a spot on the bus if he wanted it. DH declined because when the bus was scheduled to pick everyone up, he would still be at work on the other side of town (houston...a big town!). The only way that he would have been able to go on the bus would have been if he left work early, drived to our side of town, and then got on the bus with them only to go BACK to where he came from. Made no sense. So instead he just brought some clothes to work with him and ended up meeting them at one of the many stops they made. While there, the brother went around to collect money from everyone, including DH! DH pointed out to him that he wasn''t on the bus, and the brother argued that it didn''t matter, that the point was for the groom to have a good time.

It was only like $75 per person or something like that, but DH said ''thanks but no thanks''. I think what sucked the most about it was the that afterward DH felt like the only reason why he had even been asked to go was to help fund the party bus (it wasn''t a close friend of DHs).

HELLO!
What part of town do you live in!? How have I missed that you are so close?!

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 9/10/2008 1:21:34 PM
Author: fieryred33143

Date: 9/10/2008 12:25:19 PM
Author:TravelingGal

When it''s my birthday, I would prefer to pay for everyone. I am not sure, but I think it may be customary for Koreans to do this. For TGuy''s bday this year, I invited 20 of our friends out for dinner and paid for everything, even though they all tried to pitch in.

Thoughts? What''s the etiquette?

I don''t know about the etiquette but I think that scenario is different from others.

If it were my birthday and I wanted to take my friends out for a great dinner/party, then I would pay. I''m inviting so I should pay. However, if my friends got together and said they wanted to celebrate my birthday then they should pay.

Likewise, if I''m doing a party for my FI I would pay for it. But if his friends decided to throw him a party, then they should pay.

I agree. I think it depends on who does the inviting or organizing.

A girl in our group recently turned 30 and invited us all to a fancy Santa Monica hotel. I am not sure, but I think she was planning on paying. The girls in the group said we were taking her out and it was put on the table that the girlfriends would pay. So the birthday girl opted to get a limo and pay for that (no easy feat during prom season) which I thought was very nice. The bummer was I didn''t get to go since I had a new baby!!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

This is insane!

I feel that for parties where you know it''s going to cost you a pretty penny (maybe over $100) it should be CLEARLY STATED in the invite.

Hubby recently passed a milestone exam in his career and the tradition at his (former) company was for those who pass to throw a party for all of the other actuaries and it came to the tune of something like $850/person. The idea is that you only have to pay once, but you get to go every year. My husband politely declined stating that he would simply not attend any subsequent parties (as well as this one) and his collegues were really upset since it meant they had to pay more. The whole concept of paying $500 or more for a party is insane to me...I''d rather stay home and eat takeout sushi! And send an e-card!

I aslo agree that when it''s my or my husband''s birthday, we like to foot the bill. I''m throwing a b-day party for my husband this month and it would never occur to me to ask our guests to foot the bill? I don''t even like gifts! The only reason I like get-togethers is so I can see my friends/family.

I think that the woman in this article absolutely did the right think by paying her $50 and leaving!

 

[LuckyTexan]

Date: 9/10/2008 1:21:34 PM
Author: fieryred33143

Date: 9/10/2008 12:25:19 PM
Author:TravelingGal

When it''s my birthday, I would prefer to pay for everyone. I am not sure, but I think it may be customary for Koreans to do this. For TGuy''s bday this year, I invited 20 of our friends out for dinner and paid for everything, even though they all tried to pitch in.

Thoughts? What''s the etiquette?

I don''t know about the etiquette but I think that scenario is different from others.

If it were my birthday and I wanted to take my friends out for a great dinner/party, then I would pay. I''m inviting so I should pay. However, if my friends got together and said they wanted to celebrate my birthday then they should pay.

Likewise, if I''m doing a party for my FI I would pay for it. But if his friends decided to throw him a party, then they should pay.

I agree with that... if you are asked by friends for them to take you out for your birthday then it woudn''t be bad manners for you to be expecting them to pay, but I would still be ready to pay in case they weren''t planning to... like for me... it just seems like bad manners to ever expect anyone to pay for anything... does that make sense?

If it''s up front... like Skippy was saying... in the wording on the invite... then ok... but to just drop kick someone with a $500 check! WOW!

 

[luckystar112]

Lucky, I'm sort of in the Willowbrook area...right off of 249.

DH works near Westheimer/Beltway 8, so you can see it was a far drive!

 

[LuckyTexan]

Date: 9/10/2008 1:53:21 PM
Author: luckystar112
Lucky, I''m sort of in the Willowbrook area...right off of 249.

DH works near Westheimer/Beltway 8, so you can see it was a far drive!

Your Coach has the bag I want

We looked out Cypress way when we first moved here... but DH''s office is SE beltway so that would have been a horrid drive every day!

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 9/10/2008 1:20:04 PM
Author: LuckyTexan
I had my 29th at a club... the club I met DH at... and we bought a package with the club... fully catered dinner and drinks all around... and they gave us little tokens for our guests drinks... 2 each... and I imagine after 2 drinks they just started paying for their own... but we paid for the dinner and first 2... which IMO is QUITE adequate to enjoy a party haha! I know for sure 3 people had more than 2 but many just enjoyed the party at our expense and went home... the invites didn''t say anything about who was paying for what... I honestly have never come across anything like this! So odd!

What is sad is people didn''t drink all the drinks I paid for! LOL, I should have known that would happen when I turned 30!

 

[jewelerman]

Wow!If i go to someones home i expect the host to notify me if i need to bring anything...at a restaurant i pay for myself,tip and an equal part of the birthday persons meal...i always ask about or research the place we eat first.If its to expensive i dont attend or offer to meet the gruop for dessert after dinner and pay for my dessert plus a few dollars more for the birthday persons dessert.I would never be bullied into paying for anything i dont owe...been there done that before when i was younger.

 

[LuckyTexan]

Date: 9/10/2008 2:23:34 PM
Author: Skippy123

Date: 9/10/2008 1:20:04 PM
Author: LuckyTexan
I had my 29th at a club... the club I met DH at... and we bought a package with the club... fully catered dinner and drinks all around... and they gave us little tokens for our guests drinks... 2 each... and I imagine after 2 drinks they just started paying for their own... but we paid for the dinner and first 2... which IMO is QUITE adequate to enjoy a party haha! I know for sure 3 people had more than 2 but many just enjoyed the party at our expense and went home... the invites didn''t say anything about who was paying for what... I honestly have never come across anything like this! So odd!

What is sad is people didn''t drink all the drinks I paid for! LOL, I should have known that would happen when I turned 30!

HAHA! Yeah, I did have 2 people not take any tokens... one was flying home really early in the AM, and the other was DD... Thinking about that party makes me MISS my friends in CA!!! GRRRR to the economy there!!!

 

[mercoledi]

That is just so nasty, underhanded and rude!

I''ve actually been a victim of this. Years ago I was rotating through a lab, so I was only there for 8 weeks. Around week 3 it was someone''s birthday, so the lab went out to lunch to celebrate. Now, I''m lucky in that I have a stipend, but it still isn''t much and I never carry much cash. At lunch I ordered a small sandwich or salad or something; something small that I knew I had cash to cover easily. Everyone else was ordering platters, big dinner size things etc. I thought it was odd, but I hadn''t known these people for long so I didn''t think much of it. When the check came, the boss just divided the total by the number of us!

I don''t remember if I came up short or managed to cover it, but my $7 lunch quickly became over twice that. Everyone else had been ordering big to beat the average- getting a $20 meal for $14 from suckers like me. It was flabbergasting.

I''m embarrassed for us as a society that ANYONE thinks sticking someone else with a tab is ok. I only recently learned that bridesmaids have to buy their own dresses. I just don''t get it.

 

[sunnyd]

Whoa. In my 20-something group of friends, we always pay for ourselves. Always. It''s just easier that way!

 

[fieryred33143]

We were invited to a party once by my FI''s friend''s friend. It was a birthday party for his wife.

It was a VIP section of a nightclub but it wasn''t a private area so we had no where to sit. The music was horrible. And for the group of 15, there was only 2 bottles both rum which my FI hates so he paid for his usual LITs all night.

When we left, the friend of the friend turns to my FI and says "ok it''ll be $65 for each"

We looked at FI''s friend who also had a

look on his face.

Turns out it wasn''t really an invitation. It was more of a help me pay the tab event.

 

[FireGoddess]

That article is ridiculous. I wouldn''t have paid either.

We generally split the bill minus the person of honor. That is, if everyone ordered pretty much similar priced things. If someone doesn''t drink and everyone else does, that person pays less. It''s just the right thing to do.

 

[roppongi]

I am looking through my deleted emails to see if I can find my story....

My friend hosted a beautiful birthday dinner for herself in the private dining room at the Four Season''s in San Francisco, she invited 5 couples. At the end of the dinner she put her card down and we left. It was a very nice night.

The next day we all received an email in a group distribution.

Mr. and Mrs. Roppongi $452.55 (2 - three course tasting menu and five glasses of wine)
Mr. and Mrs. Jones $425.92 (2 - three course tasting menu and four glasses of wine)
Mr. and Mrs. Smith $500.00 (2 - three course tasting menu, five glasses of wine and 3 mixed coctails)
Mr. Paul and Mr. Chad $300.00 (2 - three course tasting menu, two glasses of wine)
Ms. Bday girl and BF $400.00 (2 - three course tasting menu and wine)

And for good measure she spit the cost of the private dining room amongst her guests.

Everyone was furious. One couple that attended emailed her and said that this was the tackiest thing that they have ever recevied.

It happens.

 

[luckystar112]

Did everyone pay?

 

[elle_chris]

Date: 9/10/2008 5:42:43 PM
Author: roppongi
I am looking through my deleted emails to see if I can find my story....

My friend hosted a beautiful birthday dinner for herself in the private dining room at the Four Season''s in San Francisco, she invited 5 couples. At the end of the dinner she put her card down and we left. It was a very nice night.

The next day we all received an email in a group distribution.

Mr. and Mrs. Roppongi $452.55 (2 - three course tasting menu and five glasses of wine)
Mr. and Mrs. Jones $425.92 (2 - three course tasting menu and four glasses of wine)
Mr. and Mrs. Smith $500.00 (2 - three course tasting menu, five glasses of wine and 3 mixed coctails)
Mr. Paul and Mr. Chad $300.00 (2 - three course tasting menu, two glasses of wine)
Ms. Bday girl and BF $400.00 (2 - three course tasting menu and wine)

And for good measure she spit the cost of the private dining room amongst her guests.

Everyone was furious. One couple that attended emailed her and said that this was the tackiest thing that they have ever recevied.

It happens.

Whoa, that''s beyond tacky.
I think I''d pay and just not have anything to do with the person after that.

Amongst friends, we just take eachother out and split the bill minus the person who''s b-day it is.
If it''s my husband, I get his friends together and pay for everything. Just feels right that way.

 

[purrfectpear]

Date: 9/10/2008 4:36:06 PM
Author: mercoledi
That is just so nasty, underhanded and rude!

I''ve actually been a victim of this. Years ago I was rotating through a lab, so I was only there for 8 weeks. Around week 3 it was someone''s birthday, so the lab went out to lunch to celebrate. Now, I''m lucky in that I have a stipend, but it still isn''t much and I never carry much cash. At lunch I ordered a small sandwich or salad or something; something small that I knew I had cash to cover easily. Everyone else was ordering platters, big dinner size things etc. I thought it was odd, but I hadn''t known these people for long so I didn''t think much of it. When the check came, the boss just divided the total by the number of us!

I don''t remember if I came up short or managed to cover it, but my $7 lunch quickly became over twice that. Everyone else had been ordering big to beat the average- getting a $20 meal for $14 from suckers like me. It was flabbergasting.

I''m embarrassed for us as a society that ANYONE thinks sticking someone else with a tab is ok. I only recently learned that bridesmaids have to buy their own dresses. I just don''t get it.

While I can sympathize you felt you were on a budget, I think most of us in the work world would think this was fairly normal for the B-Day lunch of a coworker? Rather than assume that they were trying to "stick you" with their platters, did it occur to you that they might have been entirely comfortable with a nicer lunch? I know we do lunches in my group and we just order whatever we feel like eating. Some get salads, some guys might get a platter, some have water, some have coke. We would think it was tacky to sit around and worry about who paid an extra few bucks. We just count heads (excluding the b-day guest) and divide up. In 35 years in the work world at several different companies, I''ve never seen it done any other way

 

[Linda W]

Date: 9/10/2008 4:36:06 PM
Author: mercoledi
That is just so nasty, underhanded and rude!


I''ve actually been a victim of this. Years ago I was rotating through a lab, so I was only there for 8 weeks. Around week 3 it was someone''s birthday, so the lab went out to lunch to celebrate. Now, I''m lucky in that I have a stipend, but it still isn''t much and I never carry much cash. At lunch I ordered a small sandwich or salad or something; something small that I knew I had cash to cover easily. Everyone else was ordering platters, big dinner size things etc. I thought it was odd, but I hadn''t known these people for long so I didn''t think much of it. When the check came, the boss just divided the total by the number of us!


I don''t remember if I came up short or managed to cover it, but my $7 lunch quickly became over twice that. Everyone else had been ordering big to beat the average- getting a $20 meal for $14 from suckers like me. It was flabbergasting.


I''m embarrassed for us as a society that ANYONE thinks sticking someone else with a tab is ok. I only recently learned that bridesmaids have to buy their own dresses. I just don''t get it.

When I was working, we always divided the bill up and also paid for the birthday girl.

Also, in the 1970''s (showing my age here) I was a bridesmaid a number of times and always paid for my own dress.


Linda

 

[mercoledi]

Date: 9/10/2008 7:01:15 PM
Author: purrfectpear

Date: 9/10/2008 4:36:06 PM

Author: mercoledi

That is just so nasty, underhanded and rude!


I've actually been a victim of this. Years ago I was rotating through a lab, so I was only there for 8 weeks. Around week 3 it was someone's birthday, so the lab went out to lunch to celebrate. Now, I'm lucky in that I have a stipend, but it still isn't much and I never carry much cash. At lunch I ordered a small sandwich or salad or something; something small that I knew I had cash to cover easily. Everyone else was ordering platters, big dinner size things etc. I thought it was odd, but I hadn't known these people for long so I didn't think much of it. When the check came, the boss just divided the total by the number of us!


I don't remember if I came up short or managed to cover it, but my $7 lunch quickly became over twice that. Everyone else had been ordering big to beat the average- getting a $20 meal for $14 from suckers like me. It was flabbergasting.


I'm embarrassed for us as a society that ANYONE thinks sticking someone else with a tab is ok. I only recently learned that bridesmaids have to buy their own dresses. I just don't get it.

While I can sympathize you felt you were on a budget, I think most of us in the work world would think this was fairly normal for the B-Day lunch of a coworker? Rather than assume that they were trying to 'stick you' with their platters, did it occur to you that they might have been entirely comfortable with a nicer lunch? I know we do lunches in my group and we just order whatever we feel like eating. Some get salads, some guys might get a platter, some have water, some have coke. We would think it was tacky to sit around and worry about who paid an extra few bucks. We just count heads (excluding the b-day guest) and divide up. In 35 years in the work world at several different companies, I've never seen it done any other way

It's not that I felt I was on a budget, I was on a budget. Lucky you to never have to sweat $7. I can see that that's a reasonable strategy for most gainfully employed people, and certainly since then I've lunched with people, but I've never assumed that they would pay bill/person, I always look at it to see if it's even and ask if everyone's cool with dividing it up. In this case some people owed a few dollars, some owed thirty, is wasn't like it was close. This lab was notoriously cheap, and this wasn't an isolated incident. I suppose you'd have to know them to get that out of my summary.