Is it o.k.? Am I being a jerk?

[luv2sparkle]

MayK, i havent read everything here, but i dont think you are a jerk. I have dealt with these kinds of issues with my family over the years. In reading your posts, it seems to me that everything your mom did feels like rejection. You have already had a fair amount of that from her, so on top of your very stressful days and her seeming lack of care and consideration for you it was just too much. We can deal with favoritism directed against us, but when it comes to our kids, those of us who have experienced it, we draw a firm line.

One time in my life, I reacted saying something back to someone in my family who had hurt me, and boy did I pay for it. For years. It still hurts. All I can say, is trust your Father who will always care for you and never reject you and can help you in this difficult relationship with your mother.

 

[LLJsmom]

Hi MayK,

You are already going through so much with your daughter. You really did not need the additional stress and aggravation from this other situation. I have to say that the post from makemepretty was upsetting to me. Her feelings are based on her own experience with her mother. Your feelings are based on yours.

I don't think that you are being a jerk. Based on my experiences with my own mother, if she treated me and my daughter that way, I would be upset too. And if I treated my own daughter that way I would not blame her for being upset at me either.

If a relationship with your mom is important to you, you will likely need to reach out and start a dialogue with her. If for nothing else but your own peace of mind, maybe you will want to hear what goes on in her head when she does what she does. You still may not agree with her thinking or her decisions but at least it will help you understand better the true nature and person you are dealing with. Then if you want to continue to have a relationship with her that won't hurt or upset you regularly, you will have to adjust your expectations accordingly.

With regard to your daughter, I was kind of that grandchild to my grandfather, but I was even more shunned. My grandfather never liked my dad, one of 10 kids, so he had a lot to choose from. Accordingly, my grandfather never liked me as a child. I didn't know until I was a teenager. But when I did find out, it did not bother me. My relationship with grandpa would be based solely on how he treated me. I continued to have a relationship with him. I knew there was nothing wrong with me. His bias was his problem. So I do think you should let your daughter the truth of the situation. She deserves to know. Of course it might hurt a little, but she needs to make her own decision about her relationship with her grandpa and she needs to have complete information to make the best decision possible.

Even though I only know you through PS, I wish you and your daughter the very best. I do believe that you need to do what is BEST and what works for you and your daughter. And maybe that means limiting a relationship that is not healthy and supportive for you.

 

[pregcurious]

I'm sorry you're not in a better situation. I think you know the right path. I have a difficult MIL, and this statement you wrote rings true with me: "make nice so your daughter has one grandmother". To me, this is not _the answer_, but it shows that you have a loving and soft heart inside. Even if you decide to limit your relationship, you can only do what you are able to do. Be kind to yourself. Find some way to let go of the anger for your own health.

It is hard to waste your energy and time on people who do not reciprocate.

Your daughter will appreciate your selflessness, and she will see the selfishness of your birth mother. When I grew up, I saw how my grandmother never gave my mother the respect she deserved.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I did not read all the replies so I hope I am not repeating something. I used to be concerned for my daughter and a few of her relationships with family (that they disappointed her, ignored her, over-indulged her, etc). I know how stressful that is to *want* your child to have *your* ideal of what the relationship should be. However, I realized that it was none of my business. People will disappoint her. That's life. I see what happens when children are sheltered too much from uncomfortable feelings. So when my child is upset, I validate her feelings and remind her that life is not fair. I think it is important to let her learn these important life lessons and make up her own mind about how she feels about other people. I do not bad mouth them. I only concentrate on my own relationship with my child and it is so much easier when I am not focusing on other people.

Another thing I have learned is that expectations are premeditated resentments. I hate carrying around resentments. They only seem to hurt me. It is poison. So I have learned to "right size" my expectations of other people. Regardless of what *I* think is right, people can behave how they want and then I get to decide to set the boundaries I need in order to have a relationship with them (or cut them out of my life).

Ideally your mom would treat both granddaughters the same, but it doesn't sound like that's ever been the reality. It isn't right but that's what is happening and as much as it sucks, she has the right to spend her money the way she wants. My cousins and I were treated MUCH differently in my family. I learned to understand that families are really complicated and it has little to do with me. It has been an important life lesson.

 

[livannie]

Hi I have never posted on here but just wanted to say I know how it feels to be left out. My grandma only has 3 grandkids, I am the oldest and only girl and she spoils my brothers rotten. I live close to her, my brothers don't and whenever they come to see Her she gives them hundreds of dollars for visiting 5 minutes. My brother took his girlfriend to visit and my grandma gave her my aunt's(her daughter) diamond anniversary ring and 500 dollars to a girl she doesn't even know. She never gives me money and I don't expect it. I have learned not to expect anything so I don't get my feelings hurt. My mom lives on other other side of the country, she is divorced from my Dad but gets a lot of money from the divorce and has a decent job. I have two girls, 3 and 4, and she did not come to either of their births when I begged her to. In fact, she came to the city I live in last month, and only visited my grandma(her ex-mother in-law) She did not come to my house once. She expected me to meet her at my grandma's. I hadn't seen her for two years. I have learned the only family that really matters is my kids and my husband. They are my family. And even though they don't really have any really good grandma's, I can make that up for them. I can do the spoiling sometimes, I can love them even more to compensate for what they don't get. It is the grandparents that are missing out on memories they could be making with my daughters. If you don't like the way your family treats you, just learn to keep them at a distance. Don't ever expect anything. Just take care of your little family, that's all that really matters.