Is it o.k.? Am I being a jerk?

[SB621]

While I'm not sure it will help, you are not alone in feeling this way about unequal treatment. My mother favors my sister's kids because they are girls and they were the first grandchildren. What makes it hard is that we all live within 5 miles of one another, so my kids hear all of the things their cousins do with grandma and grandpa that they aren't included in. My Mom always says it because her kids are older, but there's only a 3 year difference between her oldest any my youngest, so it's not like it's a 10 year age gap. I totally relate to getting over it for yourself, but being hurt for your child. I think if it were me, I'd be really honest with your bio Mom and say that if she wants a relationship with you and DD, she needs to treat them equally (I know, easy to say and much harder to do!)....

Hugs to you...it's so hard when we are disappointed by those closest to us. I hope that it works out in a way that you feel good about and that protects DD as much as possible.

Thank Yenny.... I personally could care less about going to Africa... if she had asked me.. I would have been like.. "no thank you".. Italy is on the top of my bucket list.. but DD... her eye would bug out of her head! Seeing the animals... doing a safari.. right up her alley.. seeing our kids disappointed are the hardest things. Me.. I should know better.. I let my anger and disappointment get the best of me...

Mom and I've been together 20 years this February, we've had two arguements in that time.. one over my birth father and the other one I can't remember... it was so long ago.. so it's not like we haven't gotten along. I'm also very pliable, DH says he can see me walk her line when we are together, but I try and be flexible because we don't get to visit often. We have had wonderful visits over holidays and she's spent a month with me when Merisa was born. This year has been stressful for all of us...

If I can threadjack, though its related: I am an only child and only grandchild so I don't have a good intuition about this type of unfairness. My MIL also felt this a lot with her mom. Is it really possible to not show any favourites? What should a grandparent do when they have lots of kids and can't afford to take them all on trips? I mean this sincerely. I have two sons and little sense of sibling rivalry. Did you feel that your parents were unfair with you and your siblings like they are now with the grandkids? (My MIL did).

Hey DD I know this threadjack wasn't directed at me but I thought I would answer it from my own experience if MayK doesn't mind. My MIL who I have written about many times on this board is wonderful. She has taught me what healthy family relationships are. What a loving mother is like. I guess I should also preface that she is a therapist so she is probably more careful about her behavoir then other adults. Anyhow when I had my son she came out for a month to Japan to help me. It was her first grandchild by her only child. She adored him. When my DD was born the next year we were living stateside and she came down for 1 week. Also loved and adored, but you could tell that our DS really held a special place in her heart for him. Privately she has already told us she loves them both but our DS is her favorite. But perhaps in 10 years when our DD discovers shopping and he has zero interest in his elderly grandma that might change. However, when she is with our kids there is absolutely NO sign of favortism at all. both are treated equally and shown the same amount of adoring love and affection. She does do things seperately with them, but equally.

 

[momhappy]

Oh Mayk,

I'm sorry for this situation you are in, families are always so complicated it seems. Since you asked if it was me I'd let it go just for the sake of family unity (but that's me) doesn't mean I would not feel resentment from time to time but hey it's life. I found this quote that sort of put it in perspective and now I got it hope it also helps you xo.

I love this and I have lived by it for years. I have found that simply lowering your expectations of people (especially family) is tremendously helpful in maintaining a happy, healthy life even when those around you aren't.

 

[Mayk]

Missy...you are the best...

I don't let the "mean spirited" posts get to me... I relate it to bullying. They clearly have issues, most bullies do.

I do take the good stuff away, like I'm not alone with these types of challenges. If I can learn something from it I'm open, that's why I posted it. If I learn something that helps me help DD even better. As was said, my mother died when I was 21, I've never had a mother/daughter adult relationship that didn't come with a bunch of baggage. I guess my baggage is showing. I hope I'm always better at everything for my daughter. I'm guilty of being overprotective. Only child raising an only child that can't be good!

Many of the sincere posts of feedback have given me food for thought. I did let exhaustion and emotion get the best of me. What she was asking was a bit "whacked" in my mind. But I could have handled it differently. I will address it but it's going to be a while before I do. My heart is truly not in the right place yet to tackle this and it needs to be.

I loved Nonie-Marie's response in how she treats her Grandchildren.. I know not everyone is like that but seeing that response made me feel better in some small way.

Also, you sharing how your parents do more for your sister's family helps. My mother does and not because she raised him but because their lifestyle and choices require it to keep GD#2 in a good school district, being influenced in good ways, etc. I just wish it didn't mean the significant difference in treatment would end up impacting DD in a negative way.

But to show that there are ALWAYS more important things in life.. my stepdaughter was in a car accident last night, not her fault and she's only a little beat up and bruised.. and her car was totalled and we are now shopping for a new car. We are all safe, happy and healthy and this too will pass.

Monarch.. I LOVED your list!!!! mostly shopping for diamonds which was a great idea until I was shopping for a decent used car!

 

[kmarla]

MayK I don't normally check this forum but I saw your post and wanted to comment. First let me tell you that I'm so sorry for the distress you are having with your birth mother. Families are very complicated. I am an adoptive parent, and part of me is wondering whether your birth mother sees herself as a mother/grandmother "once removed" if you follow what I mean. While it seems clear that she must love you, in her mind she might see herself as a secondary line of support, with your adoptive parents (I'm sorry your adoptive mom is deceased) aunts, uncles etc your first line of defence/support. She may see herself in the role of a very special relative, somewhat of a best friend. Her son and his family, on the other hand, have a direct line to her with no one else in the middle. This would be very hurtful for you and certainly you had no choice about being placed for adoption. Life can be very unfair. My adopted daughter met her bio mom 2 years ago and their bond is very close, but she does not offer our daughter financial support or any perks(and we don't need it) and she won't hesitate to postpone/bump my daughter if one of her step children needs her. It's clear that she loves my daughter but doesn't behave the way she would if she had raised her. It's just the way it is. We deal with the "messiness of life" and she gets to "visit" and go home when things get difficult. We never show our best side when we're stressed so forgive yourself for the e-mail. When you're calmer you could call and let your birth mom know how overwhelmed you were feeling at that time and would handle things differently now. And by the way, you sound like an amazing person. So let Africa go and just reaffirm to your daughter how special she is to you and she'll be fine!!

 

[House Cat]

I had a situation very similar to this happen in my family. It caused a lot of distress between me and my mother, as she favored my biological children over my step-children and was blatant about it one holiday. Throughout the next holidays, she "behaved" herself after much fighting between she and I, but the damage was already done. The kids always seemed to know whom my mother favored and there was a dark feeling cast upon each event that included her. It was truly sad. I will add that these stepchildren of mine were no fly by night children, they have been in my life for 13 years and counting.


Let me tell you about the damage caused by my mother's favoritism. My stepchildren have grown up and have rich relationships with the people who have readily and wholeheartedly accepted them into their lives. My mother is more lonely due to her actions.


Take this for what you will, but I think your daughter should be allowed to see this situation for what it is while she has your support to process her feelings. She will get through it and grow and learn to survive hurt feelings and disappointment. Your mother will probably lose something so incredible and precious...sigh.

 

[kenny]

Isn't it best to learn early that life is not fair?
Why lie to your kids?

 

[Mayk]

Her Grandmother does things for her... Just not on the same level... By saying something.. Like "she contributed" which she does I don't create hard feelings.

I know life's hard and believe me this kid gets that... Bullied at school, the short one, wearing a brace, braces and glasses.... She's the sweet child so the bullies love her...Even in high school her first week after surgery back she walked up to a table to sit down next to a friend she had sat with before and some girl told her she didn't want her at their table....her dad and I went through a very ugly divorce and he remarried a woman who wanted little to do with her. She hasn't stayed overnight at her dads in three years. Believe me, she gets life isn't a cake walk. She has Coloboma, had Scoliosis, is ADHD off the charts. Struggles with reading and history, totally gets math and learned to play the piano in a year and paints and draws. Soooo my friends if I can cushion the blow when family is not in balance I've chosen to do it. Yes, I'm not being honest, but when she goes to Seattle to see grandma she's not jealous, while GD #2 is... And DD sees her maybe three times a year. This is not ever going to be a close relationship but its the only grandparent she has... And my temper got in the way.

I'm sticking to my guns that DD and I will not go to Paris to meet them. We have other priorities. If grandma makes that trip happen then I'm going to let her tell DD. I'm not going to cover this up. That's my decision after a lot of thinking and with some healthy feedback from this post. I'm still wondering if GD2 will get the ridiculous number of inoculations needed for that journey. This is not an easy trip to make.

Kenny always nice to see you chime in

 

[lyra]

I'm sorry you have gone through so much this year. I grew up in a dysfunctional family, and then married into another one. My daughters have never been the favoured ones, when clearly other grandkids were put on pedestals or were spoiled simply because their parents made poor decisions. It was hurtful for sure. More for me than them, since they didn't know the workings of the extended family like I did.

I know this really isn't about you. You are more worried and upset for your daughter's feelings. I have a slight caution here. If she communicates with GD2 at all, I will bet GD2 will tell her the truth about things that you might embellish. It's just a thought. You wouldn't want her to think that your mother contributed to a gift, and then be told by GD2 that grandma doesn't care about her or something similar. My cousins were always mean to us in that way. So cover your bases in the future.

Try to be as honest as possible with her. She's old enough to start forming her own opinions on life, and how to deal with things. She will value the time she spent with you far more than time spent with a flaky grandmother. Sorry to be so blunt. Tell her that your dream is to take a trip to Italy, and discuss that with her. Plan for that. It will mean more to her than travelling with someone else. Take care. I hope things look up for her soon. This may have been a tough year, but I think your daughter will be even stronger for what she has gone through and survived.

 

[Kaleigh]

I'm sorry you have gone through so much this year. I grew up in a dysfunctional family, and then married into another one. My daughters have never been the favoured ones, when clearly other grandkids were put on pedestals or were spoiled simply because their parents made poor decisions. It was hurtful for sure. More for me than them, since they didn't know the workings of the extended family like I did.

I know this really isn't about you. You are more worried and upset for your daughter's feelings. I have a slight caution here. If she communicates with GD2 at all, I will bet GD2 will tell her the truth about things that you might embellish. It's just a thought. You wouldn't want her to think that your mother contributed to a gift, and then be told by GD2 that grandma doesn't care about her or something similar. My cousins were always mean to us in that way. So cover your bases in the future.

Try to be as honest as possible with her. She's old enough to start forming her own opinions on life, and how to deal with things. She will value the time she spent with you far more than time spent with a flaky grandmother. Sorry to be so blunt. Tell her that your dream is to take a trip to Italy, and discuss that with her. Plan for that. It will mean more to her than travelling with someone else. Take care. I hope things look up for her soon. This may have been a tough year, but I think your daughter will be even stronger for what she has gone through and survived.

THIS!!! Well said lyra!!!

 

[Mayk]

I'm sorry you have gone through so much this year. I grew up in a dysfunctional family, and then married into another one. My daughters have never been the favoured ones, when clearly other grandkids were put on pedestals or were spoiled simply because their parents made poor decisions. It was hurtful for sure. More for me than them, since they didn't know the workings of the extended family like I did.

I know this really isn't about you. You are more worried and upset for your daughter's feelings. I have a slight caution here. If she communicates with GD2 at all, I will bet GD2 will tell her the truth about things that you might embellish. It's just a thought. You wouldn't want her to think that your mother contributed to a gift, and then be told by GD2 that grandma doesn't care about her or something similar. My cousins were always mean to us in that way. So cover your bases in the future.

Try to be as honest as possible with her. She's old enough to start forming her own opinions on life, and how to deal with things. She will value the time she spent with you far more than time spent with a flaky grandmother. Sorry to be so blunt. Tell her that your dream is to take a trip to Italy, and discuss that with her. Plan for that. It will mean more to her than travelling with someone else. Take care. I hope things look up for her soon. This may have been a tough year, but I think your daughter will be even stronger for what she has gone through and survived.

I'm in agreement.... But I do think it should come from her grandmother. If she doesn't tell her, I will.

DD does know about the trips to southern CA and Hawaii... Africa just felt soooo big to me and so n her face since we would have "seen them off" in Paris...

 

[Enerchi]

(((HUGS))) to you and your DD. You are both in my heart and in my thoughts. There will be people in all of our lives that hurt us both intentionally and unintentionally. How we react to that can't be controlled - its a primitive/primordial response and there is nothing wrong w that.

Put yourself and your DD first. Eventually, when you have the calmness to do it, talk to your mom. Don't do anything until you are ready to.

... (((HUGS)))) ....

 

[momhappy]

Isn't it best to learn early that life is not fair?
Why lie to your kids?

I agree with this. Life is not fair and it's okay for children to experience that. Unfortunately, your mom (her grandmother) is under no obligation to do anything, so as much as it sucks, she should be allowed to make choices as she sees fit. The sooner that you and your daughter learn to lower your expectations of your relationships with mom/grandma, the better. Use it as an opportunity to teach your daughter that not only is life unfair sometimes, but how to deal with loved ones who may not behave/act in ways that we want them to.

 

[kgizo]

You are not a jerk. However, when you were hurt, sleep deprived and under a lot of stress you went off on her in a way you shouldn't have so I do think you need to apologize for the way you talked to her. Hopefully you can then talk about how she has hurt you and what she could do to have a better relationship with you and your DD in a way where she will listen. I also think you need to give her the benefit of the doubt here. She sounds like someone who has made multiple poor life choices. Perhaps she's a bit of an idiot and clueless to the point of being really insensitive, but not intentionally mean. Her asking you to Paris was obviously bad timing, but maybe she did it because of your strong desire to go to Italy. Or, maybe it was bc she knows her DH is rude and hard to be around and this way you could have time together without him butting in. This is an opportunity for you to redefine your relationship in a way that works better for your family. And if it doesn't work out at least you will have some answers about why she behaves the way she does towards you and DD. I hope things improve for you on all fronts because you deserve a healthy and happy family.

 

[Ellen]

Dear MayK,

I have read your initial post, but not much of the rest of the thread. I can definitely sympathize with the hurts you feel, and the course of actions you might be tempted to take. However, I think the real question here is, Lord, what am I to do with this situation? He never does anything for "no reason". So I would suggest looking at it from His perspective for a bit and see if things don't start looking a bit different.

For instance, right off the bat I see a prime opportunity to be an example. Of grace to your mom, by apologizing for your loss of temper. Of forgiveness to her for the less than caring attitude she may have shown you and DD. To show your daughter the dignity "she clothes herself with" by telling her the truth. Lying is never the answer, no matter how "noble" it may seem at the time. And besides, He abhors it....

When you look at it, there's all kinds of opportunities here, if you so choose to see them. Will it be easy? No. Will it take time? Most likely. Will it be worth it? Absolutely. Whenever we grow in grace, and do what is pleasing to Him, we will be rewarded in ways we cannot imagine. We not only simply feel better for doing what is right, but He will bless us in ways only He could know would please us.

I don't pretend to have all the answers, but this works. And I know this, because I have been practicing it for the last four years. There is no better feeling, than to do what is right, even if it feels humanly "wrong".

I hope this has in no way offended you, as it was certainly not meant to. And I pray you find your way in this MayK.

 

[junebug17]

Mayk, I don't have any great words of wisdom or advice, just wanted to let you know I totally get not wanting your daughter to feel hurt/disappointed...I'd feel the same way. And your dd has been through a lot, I can see wanting to protect her from feeling badly about this. I'm glad you're skipping the Paris thing..."ok grandma and gd2, great seeing you, have a marvelous time on that African safari that I'm not going on"...uh, no thanks, I'd pass on that too. It's one thing for your dd to somehow hear about the trip, but I don't see the point in including her in the send-off. Not sure why your mother can't see that, but some people just aren't sensitive to others' feelings (got a couple of those in my family). It's sooo tough to see our kids hurt, but I guess it's inevitable that it happens sometimes and we can't protect them from everything (unfortunately! ). She has a fantastic mother, so she'll be ok if she does learn about it.

The email...eh, I say don't be hard on yourself...it's how you were feeling, I think we're all entitled to our feelings and to express them if we feel the need to. The only problem is that even though we might feel a bit better, the recipient usually just gets angry and defensive, so in the long run we don't really get anywhere. But I'm sure you'll eventually be able to work things out when you're ready.

I do agree with PP's who have said sometimes, with certain people, you just have to lower your expectations. I was disappointed in a few family members and it was really upsetting me - now I just don't expect a darn thing from them, and I'm more at peace. It's hard when your child is involved though.

Hugs to you and dd, this family stuff can be so stressful...but it will all get straightened out, hang in there!

 

[pyramid]

"I'd will tell Merisa there's another plan for her.. around her car.. use my money and tell her it was from her Grandmother.. that's how I usually deal with this stuff.. I make stuff up.... I know... stupid.. I just try and remind DD we are so lucky and she has soooo much, which she does.. we are blessed."


I really don't feel this is the right thing to do. It is better to tell her the truth and let her make her own mind up, especially now she is sixteen. Different if she had been 8 years.

I don't think you are a jerk, I think you need to change your expectations and decide what your own limits are.

 

[AGBF]

As far as the mom lottery goes, you got a bum deal. Your real mother (in my opinion) died when you were only 21. That's so young! You never got to have the adult mother-daughter relationship with your real mom. My father died when I was 20 and I never realized the extent of what I missed out on until my own daughter turned 20 and I could see how the relationship she has with her father (my husband) is growing and changing in so many important ways. You found your bio mother 10 years later and while it's great that the two of you were able to forge a relationship, it just isn't the same as having your MOM.

When you say that you want your daughter to be close to her grandmother, that it's important that she thinks her grandmother cares about her as much as her other grandchildren, it really makes me wonder if what's really happening is you're projecting your own feelings of loss of your real mom, who could have been your daughter's real grandmother, onto your daughter.

Since my daughter is adopted, I am obviously biased. But long before I ever adopted a child I had a strong feeling that a child should never be torn from the loving arms of the parents who raised her. I remember being horrified when I, myself, was a child and a little girl in New York was taken away from her adoptive parents, the only parents she had ever known, crying and screaming, when her biological parents won a lawsuit to get her back. They were Catholic and the agency to which they had relinquished her had allowed her to be adopted by a Jewish couple. They won her back and the little girl lost her real parents!

I had very tender feelings towards the young birth mother of my daughter, although I was not supposed to have contact with her. She had been a good student in Colombia (South America) before becoming pregnant and wanted to continue school. I translated a card into Spanish and gave the head of the orphanage the card a gold pen for her. It was delivered to her, although I never met her, and I was told that she had received it although she had left the program by the time I travelled to Colombia.

I kept the identity card belonging to my daughter's birth mother, and the scanty information I had about her, including the original birth certificate. I did not think that my daughter would ever find her. But I wasn't counting on there being an Internet or Facebook! In our house we all try to learn as many languages as possible, so my daughter was learning Spanish and French before school in kindergarten. By 18 she could navigate the 'net in Spanish and found her birth mother. She has now been in contact with her birth mother for three years. They have talked on the phone and exchanged presents as have her birth mother and I. I am glad that my daughter has this relationship because she had great curiosity about her origins and now many questions, although certainly not all, have been answered. Nor have all the quandaries and issues that a child has around adoption been fixed.

But my daughter has been with us since she was seven weeks old. We are the only parents she recalls. When other children at school used to tell her they were sorry she didn't have her "real" parents she was perplexed and I helped her to understand them. I said, "They only know the parents they live in the house with now. They imagine losing those parents. But they don't remember who was there when they were born. They feel sorry for you because they imagine losing the parents they live with now."

My daughter is so attached to me that I cannot escape her. I try to...but I cannot! Although she used to sleep in her own wing of the house when I lived with my husband in Virginia, that is a thing of the past. She now gave up sleeping in her own room in sleeps in the bed beside mine in my room here in Connecticut. I am with her pretty much 24 hours a day. She still asks me to make her hot milk at night. Besides, "Mommy" she has a million pet names for me. She is regressed because of her emotional problems. (Most 21 year olds don't sleep with their mothers, after all.) But the point is that there is no doubt that I am her "real" mother and that my father is her "real" grandfather. We had all these years together to form bonds. Her birthmother didn't have those years with her! She is a lovely woman, but she didn't spend the years I did bonding with my daughter. She is not her mother. Expecting her to act like one would be setting oneself up for disappointment.

Big hugs to you, dear Mayk!!!!

Deb/AGBF
((((Mayk)))

 

[Mayk]

You are not a jerk. However, when you were hurt, sleep deprived and under a lot of stress you went off on her in a way you shouldn't have so I do think you need to apologize for the way you talked to her. Hopefully you can then talk about how she has hurt you and what she could do to have a better relationship with you and your DD in a way where she will listen. I also think you need to give her the benefit of the doubt here. She sounds like someone who has made multiple poor life choices. Perhaps she's a bit of an idiot and clueless to the point of being really insensitive, but not intentionally mean. Her asking you to Paris was obviously bad timing, but maybe she did it because of your strong desire to go to Italy. Or, maybe it was bc she knows her DH is rude and hard to be around and this way you could have time together without him butting in. This is an opportunity for you to redefine your relationship in a way that works better for your family. And if it doesn't work out at least you will have some answers about why she behaves the way she does towards you and DD. I hope things improve for you on all fronts because you deserve a healthy and happy family.

Just to be sure.. my DH is not DD's father.. and he is a PRINCE.. I married the most amazing man that ever lived.. NOT her father.. but my husband is truly a gift from GOD!!! He's so good to me, so good to my daughter, the most giving, loving , caring individual I've ever met in my life.. we are celebrating 6 yerars together on 11/6 (first date.. only married 2.5 year).. and I couldn't be happier.. never a cross word.. we've never had a fight. I'm so blessed.. so not sure where the DH is awful came into this.. but simply not the case for me.. I have an AMAZING husband.. I'm stupid over him.. stupid!!!! Ok her DH total freak lately.... was never that way before...

DEB THANK YOU for sharing.. you are so right about "real mom"... sadly, I never had the opportunity to have that adult bonding past my childhood.. I went away to college and my mother had a stroke and things were never the same. She wasn't the same and she didn't recognize me. My adoptive father was an alcoholic and I took care of him for 10 years after my mother's passing.. after he passed I did the search for my birth mother. I was an only child with no family...looking for a connection. My bio mother and I have had an amazing relationship until the last couple of years. Her's husband has been very weird having some aging issues and in the last two years she's become very odd. I've done so much thinking about this and I know I didn't handle things well and I will have to make ammends at some point in the future. I keep replaying things over and over about how she told me she wouldn't travel again because her husband was in bad health (some of it more mental than physical.. also a long story) and then she's planning a trip to Africa.. I'm starting to wonder if there are some other memory issues going on with her and I've been so buried in DD's health issues I've missed the signs. She actually posted a VERY mean sign on her Facebook that I know was targeted at me. Also, it was DH's birthday and he wished her happy birthday on her birthday but she didn't remember his.. she loves him.. he's done nothing.. this is between the two of us. So unlike her... so I'm not sure what to think but I'm starting to think there's something else going on or maybe I just want something else to be going on. So unlike her to be "mean" to me.. (the facebook thing) and even more unlike her to not remember DH... I clearly need to do some soul searching and then have a plan... in the mean time I also talked with my step daughter about what happened (she's 17) and she says my mother mentioned taking her and DD to Africa in the Spring when they were visiting us for 10 days... Now, I'm feeling a mixture of sadness, confusion and conern along with dealing with my owning my behaviour... so my story continues to get more complicated..

I know people don't like it that I don't tell DD exactly what is contributed but there is WAY more to that story but I don't want to always make things about "how" much someone does for you and more about someone did "something" for you based on what they were capable of doing... it's the thought that counts, not the amount.

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Oh, Mary, you have been through so much, I can easily understand why you eventually just lost it with your mother. I do agree with Ellen that showing grace and forgiveness will do more for you in the long run than anything else. Dreamer and others gave good advice also. I understand completely because I know some grandchildren were shown favoritism over mine by one set of grandparents. It would sting and upset me when it happened. And I've never been the favored DIL, either. But distance helps all that, and my kids know that I (and my husband, of course) love them unconditionally. I do not think they realized the preferential treatment as much as I did. But it is what it is, and I accept it. Merisa has amazing, wonderful parents, and she will come to realize that your relationship just isn't the same with your mother as the child she kept and raised. I am sure she loves you and Merisa in spite of her mistakes. Merisa will understand all this over time.

As far as Paris goes, I would simply tell her that with building the new house, cars for kids, college expenses, a trip to Paris just isn't in your planning for the next year or two at least. And furthermore, you might want to take that particular trip with your DH if the time comes that you decide to go there. Maybe tell her you can meet her in NYC for a couple of days on their way to Paris. But I might also tell her that you are afraid that Merisa would be hurt that she is taking the other gd on the trip and it might be best not to meet during that trip.

Again, Merisa is so blessed to have a mother who loves her so much, and a fabulous dad in S. I loved meeting both of you and know that Merisa has everything in life that is really important!

 

[tammy77]

I probably shouldn't respond because I am likely to ramble or get interrupted to feed the baby, but I really hope that I can get something coherent types out to you.

I'm really sorry that you're dealing with this on top of everything else that's been thrown at your daughter. I've followed along quietly and there is no doubt that your DD has an amazing mother!

I'm not sure what to say, so I'll relay my thoughts based on my own situation.

I'm an only child and was very attached to my parents. They actually lived with me for about 3 years when my older DDs were born. Once I divorced my ex and found my now DH that is a great man, my mom started distancing herself from me. As a result, she also distanced herself from my daughters. It's become so bad that my mom didn't come for my last baby's birth. In fact, the baby is 3 weeks old and she's called twice. Once for 1-2min the day she was born and once three days ago. That call lasted less than 1 min and she ended the call by telling me she needed to go clean up the dogs poop outside.

I have many theories. One is that she's jealous because her own relationship with my father is absolutely awful. This could very well be the case for you too. The other is that she's gotten to the point where she's so depressed and detached from us that she doesn't have any idea how her indifference towards us hurts. There are many other theories, but that's enough for now!

The main thing I wanted to say is that through all of the changes , the part that hurt and angered me the most was how devastated my kids were. I covered for my mom for a couple of years, but my 10 year old is a smart girl. Once she asked me flat out why her grandmother never visited and always made excuses (usually blaming their health), I had a very honest talk with her. I told her that everyone has to make their own choices, that I couldn't control her grandparents actions even though I wished that I could. I also told her that I was sorry, that it hurt me too, but that I was going to do my best to move past it. I then told her that all I could control was my own actions and reactions - so I was going to do everything I could to make sure she and her sister knew they were/are loved and taken care of.

She was sad, but at least she could have a bit of closure herself and she appreciated that I stopped letting her grandmother lead her on with promises of "next summer, when they felt better". It still hurts me, because I miss having a relationship with my mom. I still don't understand what changed her so much because we used to talk literally every day. She was my best friend. I wish I could say that it didn't eat at me, but it does. The only thing I could do though is not indulge those feelings and to make sure that it didn't interfere with my daughters' lives in terms of their relationship with *me*.

Unfortunately, the baby is awake and hungry again, so I need to wrap this up. I'm sorry if it doesn't help or is incoherent. Hopefully it helps a tiny bit in some way and my phone hasn't made too much of a mess!

I do hope you can come to peace with the situation, since that's really all you have control over. Your DD will be okay as long as YOU are okay. Big hugs to both of you.

 

[makemepretty]

Hey did you miss the part where she didn't help me... didn't show up when her first grand child spent 16 days in the hospital, didn't use her first class ticket but made the home opener of a football game.. and parties afterwards...... hey Makemepretty.. sure I need my big girl pants.. but you kind of have to "do something for me" for me to "appreicate it".. she doesn't give me money and in this case no emotional support... so your post.. wasted on me... completely

Yes, I read all that. Twice before I posted. You are away too old to be acting this immature. No one has to do something for you, period. Even if they are doing it for someone else. You posted a huge whining, stomping your feet complaint because you aren't getting what you want. I completely understand.

MMP, what on earth? From an observer's standpoint, this is over-the-top to the point of seeming unrelated. I haven't made it to the end of the thread and I'm hoping I'll be editing to take this back. Otherwise ... it strikes me as out of character from a generally really nice poster such as yourself.

No, no one "has" to do anything. Just like we don't "have" to keep thinking they're decent human beings. The basic social contract indicates when a loved one is hurting, you don't attack them. Or brag about pleasurable events in response to their grief. I don't think Mayk is being demanding if she says it was inappropriate for her mother to jump on her when she was anxious about her child barely post-surgery. Could you maybe say more about where you're coming from? Because I'm really not seeing it.[/quote]


Circe, obviously I didn't post to hurt her feelings. She obviously felt she could be a "jerk" hence the title, not a word I would have used though. I read her post as a whole lot of complaining how life isn't fair and I felt that her reactions were childish, not mature. I guess I don't have empathy for this situation as I've always been the caretaker and never expected life to be fair. I've been in the posters shoes sort of, but have never lashed out because of it, nor posted a thread trying to have strangers reassure me that lashing out is okay or that I'm owed something because others get that treatment. She didn't want anyone to agree with the "jerk" part, just that her behavior was okay. Maybe it should have been more of a poll than essay? Even her reply that my post was completely lost on her showed she was already set in her mind to be the victim.

While I don't agree with the behavior of any of the parties involved, even my own, I should have kept my opinion to myself but it was asking for opinions and I've been there. Others felt her reAction was uncalled for, they just sugar coated it after. I didn't because the sooner you stop expecting anything from a taker, the sooner you can deal with it. Going down to their level makes you NOT the better person. It makes it a power struggle. You can't be disappointed or hurt if you lose that type of "but you offered or you said or you did this for so and so". You have no control over how someone else behaves, only how you react to it. I think her reaction is childish (not jerkish)


I do apologize to the original poster as it was only MY opinion, a complete stranger.

 

[kgizo]

"I'm so blessed.. so not sure where the DH is awful came into this.. but simply not the case for me".

I'm not sure where you think your DH came into this either. I clearly said "her DH", not "your DH". It was offered as a potential explanation for her behavior because you said "My step dad made a big scene . . . He got mad . . . He walked out of the house and slammed the door so hard my pictures in my office shook"

Perhaps you could go back and reread the post with the same spirit of goodwill with which it was written.

 

[soxfan]

I didn't read anyone's replies so excuse me if this has been said before....YES you are being unreasonable and petty.

Someone doesn't HAVE to help you, or offer, or do things fairly between grand kids. Life is not fair, get over yourself.

I help lots of people but nothing p.o.'s me off more than when I hear from someone that I helped someone and they want the same. A favor is a nice thing you do, not something that is required of you. I have a mother that has never once helped in a situation where I need ed it so to see you complain about what you wanted and didn't get seems really immature. I understand that you are hurt feeling wise but be a grown up and just accept it.

I respectfully disagree. My grandparents always do things fairly when it comes to all of us grandkids. My grandfather is well off. Three of the grandkids live in Florida where he lives. My sister and I do not. if he buys one of my cousins a car on their 16th birthday, he sends my other two cousins and my sister and I a check for amount of money he spent. Yes, it helps him write some off in taxes, but he believes that he should treat us all fairly.

My OTHER set of grandparents treated their kids AND grandkids differently. Paid for my aunt's college, did NOT pay for my Dad's college. Gave my cousin $1000 at graduation, gave me a used briefcase from a yard sale, shit like that. Just passive aggressive bullshit to let us know who were the favorites.

My cousins hate me. For absolutely NO reason. I was the one who got nothing, they got everything. And they hate me. My dad doesn't speak to his brother. His sister died of cancer when she was 40. He lives with constant guilt over the feelings he had about his parents treating her better. Constant competition, resentment, and hurt feelings. Just a shit situation all around.

So yeah, I feel like the grandkids should get equal opportunities and treatment. Yeah, life isn't fair, but this is ONE instance that we can make it fair.....

 

[soxfan]

So, yes, MayK, I agree with you. On everything. You are NOT being a jerk.

 

[TooPatient]

"I'm so blessed.. so not sure where the DH is awful came into this.. but simply not the case for me".

I'm not sure where you think your DH came into this either. I clearly said "her DH", not "your DH". It was offered as a potential explanation for her behavior because you said "My step dad made a big scene . . . He got mad . . . He walked out of the house and slammed the door so hard my pictures in my office shook"

Perhaps you could go back and reread the post with the same spirit of goodwill with which it was written.

kgizo -- That is an interesting idea. I hadn't thought of that aspect until reading your previous post. If her husband has reactions like that, it might be a possibility that she's trying to spend time without him around to get upset.


Mayk -- I read your most recent update. It sounds all confusing right now! I can see how you wouldn't know what to think! It might be a good idea for you to look back on your conversations over the last few months or more and talk to your daughter too. If it is a memory thing, your mom may not even be aware of it. Personally, if your mom wants to take your daughter (and either she's paying or you are reasonably able to) I'd send them on their way -- assuming you don't feel your daughter would be in danger (like memory issues).

 

[momhappy]

I didn't read anyone's replies so excuse me if this has been said before....YES you are being unreasonable and petty.

Someone doesn't HAVE to help you, or offer, or do things fairly between grand kids. Life is not fair, get over yourself.

I help lots of people but nothing p.o.'s me off more than when I hear from someone that I helped someone and they want the same. A favor is a nice thing you do, not something that is required of you. I have a mother that has never once helped in a situation where I need ed it so to see you complain about what you wanted and didn't get seems really immature. I understand that you are hurt feeling wise but be a grown up and just accept it.

I respectfully disagree. My grandparents always do things fairly when it comes to all of us grandkids. My grandfather is well off. Three of the grandkids live in Florida where he lives. My sister and I do not. if he buys one of my cousins a car on their 16th birthday, he sends my other two cousins and my sister and I a check for amount of money he spent. Yes, it helps him write some off in taxes, but he believes that he should treat us all fairly.

My OTHER set of grandparents treated their kids AND grandkids differently. Paid for my aunt's college, did NOT pay for my Dad's college. Gave my cousin $1000 at graduation, gave me a used briefcase from a yard sale, shit like that. Just passive aggressive bullshit to let us know who were the favorites.

My cousins hate me. For absolutely NO reason. I was the one who got nothing, they got everything. And they hate me. My dad doesn't speak to his brother. His sister died of cancer when she was 40. He lives with constant guilt over the feelings he had about his parents treating her better. Constant competition, resentment, and hurt feelings. Just a shit situation all around.

So yeah, I feel like the grandkids should get equal opportunities and treatment. Yeah, life isn't fair, but this is ONE instance that we can make it fair.....

I guess that I don't see what makes grandparent/grandchild relationships so special? Why are those particular relationships held to higher standards? Of course there are instances of inequality, unfairness, etc. because life is unfair. No one should feel obligated to do anything for anyone simply because someone tell them it's the "fair" thing to do. My grandma clearly had a favorite and it carried through all the way into adulthood. She did lots of things for that grandchild that she didn't do for the rest of us. The bottom line is that I still felt loved by her and didn't need "equal" treatment.

 

[Mayk]

"I'm so blessed.. so not sure where the DH is awful came into this.. but simply not the case for me".

I'm not sure where you think your DH came into this either. I clearly said "her DH", not "your DH". It was offered as a potential explanation for her behavior because you said "My step dad made a big scene . . . He got mad . . . He walked out of the house and slammed the door so hard my pictures in my office shook"

Perhaps you could go back and reread the post with the same spirit of goodwill with which it was written.

My mistake.. completely.. My mother's DH not so nice right now.. I read that post last night after dinner out with my DH and a bottle of wine to celebrate his birthday.. one should not PS when under the inflence of a nice red wine...

 

[Mayk]

The point is less about how much my mother does for GD #2 on a regular basis because I know it's more of a "need" in many cases. It comes down to it be so glarring in my daugther's face when her mother can't afford to send her off to Africa with her Grandmother but he cousin is going on Gandma's dime. She knows her aunt and uncle are not paying for..

I'm sure I'm doing a bunch of things wrong raising my daughter, I misplaced the owner's manual so I flying by the seat of my pants.. hopefully I'm also getting enough correc that she will grow up to be a sweet loving and giving woman.

As for me being a Taker... NOT... most of my friends and family would tell you I'm the giver in the family. My mother doesn't give us anything except birthday and Christmas presents that are usually $100 or less. Christmas is usually close to $100 and birthday is $50 usually in cash or a gift card. I always send them a gift card to their favorite restaurant in downtown Bellevue for $150.00 for both of them. I never mess their birthdays, Christmas or their Wedding Anniversary since it's the same date as mine. When they are here for vaction I buy dinner one night out, they buy dinner one night out and we cook at home. They enjoy the beach club and it's a nice vacation. I always have their "favorite" cocktails and I grocery shop for them before the come. In turn when I head to Seattle I pay for my flights, we get a hotel because their home is not big enough for us all, we rent a car, we pay for a dinner out they pay for a dinner out and we cook at my mother's house. It's always been this way and it's fair and I'm not complaining about what she's not doing.

My biggest issues was in the worst two months of my life, when I'm the most stressed, the most tired I'm getting blasted about my daughter's medical care based on the surgeons I chose and then when I can barely see straight and she's told me she's no longer traveling with DH she's plannig an elaborate trip with GD#2 and if we would like to tag along to Paris to see them on their way.. please join us... For DD's 16th I'm thinking she wants a car, so this trip is affordable or timely for us. I should have just said no, this is where I went WAY off course... I have some fixing today.. but right now as I've said my heart nor my head is in the place to do it properly. I think about it A LOT, she's 71 and life's short.

If I was "ugly" to anyone who gave advice.. my sincere apologies. For those that shared stories that were similar or had some understanding.. Thank you. This came at a time when I just didn't have all the mental power to think logically.

 

[makemepretty]

Mayk, my sincere apologies. I was meaning your mother is a taker, she always will be. She sounds very manipulative. Don't give her the power to ruin your life or even a day. Easier than it sounds, I know...but it becomes very empowering once you gain control and she realizes she will not get any reaction.

 

[Mayk]

Mayk, my sincere apologies. I was meaning your mother is a taker, she always will be. She sounds very manipulative. Don't give her the power to ruin your life or even a day. Easier than it sounds, I know...but it becomes very empowering once you gain control and she realizes she will not get any reaction.

Thank you! Accepted wholeheartedly!

I also apologize for being snippy and grumpy!

Note to self... When in a hurry I really should proof read! Ugh!