Informing bride you will be bringing a guest?

[caribqueen]

The nerve of some people! Our invitations went out and the A list alone is at 255. We''re hoping that with declines we''ll go down to about 225 or lower (which is where we''d like to be). So based on such a big (I have 26 first cousins on my father''s side alone) and close-knit family, we decided that significant others could come if the two people were married, engaged or living together. We had to draw the line somewhere.

Anyway, I got the following message from a distant cousin and thought some of you might get a kick out of it. What gets me about it is that there is no question mark anywhere in her email. It read:

"Hi XXXX. I received your wedding invitation. Thank you. However, I see that you have me down for 1 seat and I planned on bringing my boyfriend, matter of fact, I am depending on him to drive my mother and grandmother down. I hope this does not mess up the seating arrangements but I just wanted to make you aware before I return my RSVP with 2 attending guests. Take care. See you in June...."

I wrote the following response:

"Hi XXXX. I''m glad you received the invitation. Unfortunately, it''s a hefty guestlist with tight numbers. So I''m sorry that we cannot accommodate your boyfriend with such a big family. I hope you can understand."

She then replied:

"OK XXXX. When do you need the RSVP back? I will see how my mother and my grandmother will get there."

After that message, I decided against replying for fear that I might say something to offend her, also because the RSVP deadline is on the reception card.

A few hours later I got this:

"Hi XXXX. What is your phone number? Mine is XXXX. I just wanted to talk to you about this."

 

[meresal]

Umm...

I would have a mutual friend call her and explain how incredibly rude her email was.

There is nothing to "talk" about.

 

[tigerhearted]

It sounds like there might really be an issue for her to get transportation for her mom and grandmom. Her tone does not strike me as her wanting to bring her b/f just for the sake of bringing him. She sounds practical and matter-of-fact.

I''m not sure what kind of problems she might have getting her mom and grandmom to the wedding, but I think it would be worthwhile to have a chat with her about it. For instance, a couple years ago I was taking a medication that made it impossible for me to drive more than 20min at one stretch -- it made me dangerously sleepy while driving and it was very unsafe. I had to rely on my b/f to drive me everywhere until I went off that medicine.

 

[Haven]

I definitely think it's presumptuous of her to send you an email to "let you know" that she plans on bringing the boyfriend.

Maybe it would be a good idea to talk to her on the phone to see what the deal is. Bottom line, though, if you don't have room for the boyfriend do not feel obligated to invite him to the wedding just because he's acting as chauffeur for your relatives.

I think some people just don't understand that a) it's rude to bring an uninvited plus one, b) it is costly to add uninvited guests, and c) some people don't want strangers at their wedding. She sounds young, so I'd give her the benefit of the doubt and assume she just doesn't know any better.

 

[megumic]

I would not start making exceptions now - once it starts it''s just too hard to come back!

Her email is totally out of line. I would explain your reasoning behind your "guesting" rule and just say that you''re sticking to it. Perhaps mention that although you''d love him to come, unless the guest list goes down significantly, she will unfortunately have to attend alone. Suggest that she drive her own mother and grandmother - doesn''t she have her license???

I would definitely have a phone call with her and just be clear and firm (like how you''d be with a child...b/c that''s clearly the case here). It''s YOUR wedding and you should have it exactly as you want it.

 

[princessplease]

How insanely RUDE!!!!!!!!!
I would definitely let her know via the phone that her request is simply unacceptable, and that if she''s not happy with that decision, then she simply can stay home. The nerve of some people!

 

[honey22]

Give her your phone number then calmly and firmly repeat your answer that you can''t accommodate her bf. She is only trying the whole grandma can''t get there thing to make you feel bad and give in. I just don''t get the nerve of some people.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 3/7/2010 6:08:06 PM
Author:caribqueen
The nerve of some people! Our invitations went out and the A list alone is at 255. We''re hoping that with declines we''ll go down to about 225 or lower (which is where we''d like to be). So based on such a big (I have 26 first cousins on my father''s side alone) and close-knit family, we decided that significant others could come if the two people were married, engaged or living together. We had to draw the line somewhere.

Anyway, I got the following message from a distant cousin and thought some of you might get a kick out of it. What gets me about it is that there is no question mark anywhere in her email. It read:

''Hi XXXX. I received your wedding invitation. Thank you. However, I see that you have me down for 1 seat and I planned on bringing my boyfriend, matter of fact, I am depending on him to drive my mother and grandmother down. I hope this does not mess up the seating arrangements but I just wanted to make you aware before I return my RSVP with 2 attending guests. Take care. See you in June....''

I wrote the following response:

''Hi XXXX. I''m glad you received the invitation. Unfortunately, it''s a hefty guestlist with tight numbers. So I''m sorry that we cannot accommodate your boyfriend with such a big family. I hope you can understand.''

She then replied:

''OK XXXX. When do you need the RSVP back? I will see how my mother and my grandmother will get there.''

After that message, I decided against replying for fear that I might say something to offend her, also because the RSVP deadline is on the reception card.

A few hours later I got this:

''Hi XXXX. What is your phone number? Mine is XXXX. I just wanted to talk to you about this.''

It was presumptuous, but most people have little to no idea about etiquette these days, and at least she let you know a.) before she sent the RSVP, and b.) she explained the situation. I hope she can be understanding of your situation, but much easier to address the RSVP numbers with someone who has communicated with you about it than to have to call blindly if she had just sent the RSVP and no explanation. Best of luck!

 

[whitby_2773]

hi caribqueen

i''d say bring the boyfriend.

if he''s prepared to drive 3 of your guests to your wedding, and your family is tight knit - which makes me assume you want her mother and grandmother there, i''d say it''s not too much to add him to the guest list.

when we did our wedding, we made general rules. but the rules were meant to fit the people, not the other way around. if there were exceptions to our rules, or caveats, or grey areas, we then had to work around it and make out rules bend to accommodate the realities of life. if you have other boyfriends of guests who are driving elderly folk to your wedding, i''d say invite them too. but i suspect he is a one and only in this department. personally, i''d be thankful he was willing to perform this task and saved me the logistical hassle of trying to arrange something myself.

ok, so her email wasn''t all etiquette would normally dictate. she probably has no experience of weddings or guest lists in general, and would probably be horrified if she knew how much her lunch was going to cost. she didn''t sound at all rude to me - just inexperienced. and frankly, i dont know many young people who would be willing to pressure their boyfriend into bringing their MOTHER - to say nothing of their *grandmother*! - on a long car ride with them! hardly a sexy arrangement...

they sound like good kids. i vote one for the boyfriend.

besides, it''s an easy thing to explain to others, should anyone ask.

 

[Iowa Lizzy]

Date: 3/7/2010 9:26:08 PM
Author: whitby_2773
hi caribqueen


i'd say bring the boyfriend.


if he's prepared to drive 3 of your guests to your wedding, and your family is tight knit - which makes me assume you want her mother and grandmother there, i'd say it's not too much to add him to the guest list.


when we did our wedding, we made general rules. but the rules were meant to fit the people, not the other way around. if there were exceptions to our rules, or caveats, or grey areas, we then had to work around it and make out rules bend to accommodate the realities of life. if you have other boyfriends of guests who are driving elderly folk to your wedding, i'd say invite them too. but i suspect he is a one and only in this department. personally, i'd be thankful he was willing to perform this task and saved me the logistical hassle of trying to arrange something myself.


ok, so her email wasn't all etiquette would normally dictate. she probably has no experience of weddings or guest lists in general, and would probably be horrified if she knew how much her lunch was going to cost. she didn't sound at all rude to me - just inexperienced. and frankly, i dont know many young people who would be willing to pressure their boyfriend into bringing their MOTHER - to say nothing of their *grandmother*! - on a long car ride with them! hardly a sexy arrangement...


they sound like good kids. i vote one for the boyfriend.


besides, it's an easy thing to explain to others, should anyone ask.

Huge Ditto. I doubt she was doing this knowing that her email might be construed as impolite. There are always exceptions to the rules and I think her BF should be one of those exceptions.

ETA: At least she sent you an email heads-up rather than just sending the RVSP with two guests instead of one.

 

[caribqueen]

Thanks ladies - all great advice. It actually makes me laugh more than anything else because I''m not mad, just surprised at the nerve of some people. Anyway, I sent her an email earlier today that is pretty much on par with what honey suggested. I told her that I did not know that she had a boyfriend (which is true) but that my hands are tied and in the end it comes down to dollars and cents. At the end, I gave her my number in case she wanted to talk.

We just can''t bend. Her grandmother is the reason she''s even invited, because the woman who sent the email is not the most polite person in the world and this is just another example. She''s 33 and not a kid, so I think she should know better! There are just better ways to speak and address people, especially if you''re not the one running the show, you know what I mean? BTW: This woman''s mother (the daughter of the grandmother) plans to attend the wedding and she drives and so does the mother''s husband so I do think it is just an excuse.

What I would be willing to do is allow her boyfriend to come to the ceremony, but when there are family members who were left off the list, it''s not right. We''ll see if she calls.

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 3/7/2010 10:27:02 PM
Author: caribqueen
Thanks ladies - all great advice. It actually makes me laugh more than anything else because I''m not mad, just surprised at the nerve of some people. Anyway, I sent her an email earlier today that is pretty much on par with what honey suggested. I told her that I did not know that she had a boyfriend (which is true) but that my hands are tied and in the end it comes down to dollars and cents. At the end, I gave her my number in case she wanted to talk.

We just can''t bend. Her grandmother is the reason she''s even invited, because the woman who sent the email is not the most polite person in the world and this is just another example. She''s 33 and not a kid, so I think she should know better! There are just better ways to speak and address people, especially if you''re not the one running the show, you know what I mean? BTW: This woman''s mother (the daughter of the grandmother) plans to attend the wedding and she drives and so does the mother''s husband so I do think it is just an excuse.

What I would be willing to do is allow her boyfriend to come to the ceremony, but when there are family members who were left off the list, it''s not right. We''ll see if she calls.

Definitely not a "young girl" as some other posters thought

Nope, I say the boyfriend is definitely out! That''s just plain ridiculous!

 

[Haven]

I think you did the right thing. It isn''t anyone''s right to invite people to your wedding. You are the host, you make the guest list. Period.

I''m shocked that a 33-year-old woman wrote that email to you. She should know better.

 

[havernell]

Perhaps when you speak with her you could suggest that her boyfriend could still drive everyone, but that he would just need to find something else to do around town to entertain himself for the few hours while the others attend the wedding. Perhaps before/after the wedding the four of them could do other sightseeing together so it would still be a "trip" for the boyfriend. I know that that''s not ideal, but you could at least suggest it to her as one way to still get their transportation if she''s really stuck.

Do any other family members live near them who could give them a ride?

 

[meresal]

Date: 3/7/2010 10:53:26 PM
Author: Haven
I think you did the right thing. It isn''t anyone''s right to invite people to your wedding. You are the host, you make the guest list. Period.

I''m shocked that a 33-year-old woman wrote that email to you. She should know better.

+1. No reason that a 33-yr old woman should need her BF there... and definitely out of line for her to "tell you" that she would be bringing him.

For our wedding, my IL''s had quite a few people on their list that were invites b/c of other people, like this woman is, and my MIL tried to tell me that they each of them needed dates. DH and I politely told her, that these other people weren''t even necessary invites, and they sure as hell weren''t bringing dates.

I''m not trying to tell you how to feel. Just aknowledging that I have been there, and you have every reason to say No.

Havernell- Re: you last sentance. Carib said that these women are both still drivers. Apparently they are capable attending without an escort.

 

[monkeyprincess]

I can understand why this upsets you. It is very presumptuous and ill-mannered of your cousin. However, my question for you is, do you really want to have this big of a fight over one wedding guest? I guess you''ve already drawn the line in the sand, but sometimes, I think it is better to let little things go then to potentially cause a family conflict. Just my feeling on the matter though.

 

[meresal]

Date: 3/8/2010 11:55:42 AM
Author: monkeyprincess
I can understand why this upsets you. It is very presumptuous and ill-mannered of your cousin. However, my question for you is, do you really want to have this big of a fight over one wedding guest? I guess you''ve already drawn the line in the sand, but sometimes, I think it is better to let little things go then to potentially cause a family conflict. Just my feeling on the matter though.

MP- I can see where you are coming from re: family... however, for me, it comes down to allowing a random date attend instead of all the other people that you have had to cut, that is where the issue lies. Not in the fact that is is only "one more person".

People who think that they are entitled to bring a guest just don''t care to think about any other people that would have been invited had there been just one more spot, instead of their random +1.

 

[caribqueen]

Date: 3/8/2010 11:55:42 AM
Author: monkeyprincess
I can understand why this upsets you. It is very presumptuous and ill-mannered of your cousin. However, my question for you is, do you really want to have this big of a fight over one wedding guest? I guess you''ve already drawn the line in the sand, but sometimes, I think it is better to let little things go then to potentially cause a family conflict. Just my feeling on the matter though.

In no way is this a fight because I have the last say and myself and my parents are the ones footing the bill! It''s not a debate and I fail to see how this is a family conflict.

I think this is a good lesson because I''m sure there may be other similar situations. Other family members have previously asked to bring random guests, and we''ve politely told them “no” also. But they asked got an answer and that was the end of it.

Personally, if the tables were turned I would not ask another bride because it''s just plain rude. But that''s me. Also, if I got an invite for a +1, but did not have a significant other at the time, I would simply give that 1 seat back to the host because it''s the right thing to do. It''s a wedding and last I checked money is not growing on trees.

I will not allow this one person to bulldoze me and I think in situations such as this you have to stand your ground. If she can find a way to come, that’s great. If not, the show will go on without her.
She''s had almost a year already to prepare because we sent the "Save the Dates" early. It was her responsibility to call me up last year and express her situation (especially since I had no idea she has a boyfriend), so that we could''ve evaluated earlier while putting together the guest list. It''s now too late. For all I know she could’ve just started dating the guy last week.

Again, I do appreciate all the posts because I think this is an interesting situation.

 

[missy]

Hi Caribqueen,
I totally agree with you. Weddings are expensive and no one has the right to tell you who you and your fiance should invite to your wedding! Your cousin has a lot of nerve. If she doesn't want to come without her boyfriend (and that is totally her prerogative) she shouldn't. But she should not try to get you to change your mind. A lot of thought goes into who you are and who you are not inviting to a wedding and it really is not up for debate IMO. Again, if it doesn't work for your cousin that's just fine- she doesn't have to go. Period. Not up for debate.

Personally, I do understand why a 33 year old woman who is in a relationship would not want to go to a family wedding without her significant other. However, that is not your problem and no one is twisting her arm to attend. She is not a youngster and she can decide for herself if she wants to go to your wedding without her boyfriend instead of trying to guilt you into inviting her with him.

Just my opinion.

 

[monkeyprincess]

I understand your position about her email, and believe me, it would annoy me too. I guess I misread your initial post and assumed that the grandmother she spoke of was also your grandmother, so I thought maybe the mother and grandmother would think it was an insult as well. Hence my comment about avoiding a family conflict. I guess that is not the case for you. I just would hate for some of my relatives at my wedding to be angry with me or think I was being a bridezilla because I didn't let so-and-so bring her boyfriend.

But I totally get the need to limit the numbers. And it sounds like you handled it as diplomatically as possible.

 

[mayachel]

Ha! She really does sound clueless. Oh well. Keep your thoughts happy and draw your line in the sand. If she does want to talk to you about it, my advice is to stay grounded in a way that doesn''t belittle her for being clueless. She may honestly just want to hear about "how it all works".

I will say, that I really had no idea the production planning/throwing a wedding is until I started planning my own.

 

[zoebartlett]

Date: 3/8/2010 12:08:36 PM
Author: meresal

Date: 3/8/2010 11:55:42 AM

Author: monkeyprincess

I can understand why this upsets you. It is very presumptuous and ill-mannered of your cousin. However, my question for you is, do you really want to have this big of a fight over one wedding guest? I guess you''ve already drawn the line in the sand, but sometimes, I think it is better to let little things go then to potentially cause a family conflict. Just my feeling on the matter though.

MP- I can see where you are coming from re: family... however, for me, it comes down to allowing a random date attend instead of all the other people that you have had to cut, that is where the issue lies. Not in the fact that is is only ''one more person''.


People who think that they are entitled to bring a guest just don''t care to think about any other people that would have been invited had there been just one more spot, instead of their random +1.

I agree with this, and I also agree with what Haven said. You are the host, and it''s not up to your guests to invite anyone else.

 

[turboflgrl]

Oh my - how rude of her to assume!!

Either people don''t understand the real cost of a wedding and how that breaks down for each guest or they are really just beyond ignorant. I''m hoping this doesn''t happen to me!

 

[hawaiianorangetree]

The day that our invites started arriving i was getting texts from friends about how excited they were and how pretty my invites were etc etc.

I got 2 text messages from one of my *best* friends that read like this...

"Do you reckon im being a bitch if im shitty because my wedding invite just has "name" not and partner??"

then

"So sorry HOT i wasn''t meant to send that to you oops sorry

"

This came form a girl who is supposedly one of my best friends who was invited on her own because she is single and has been for a long time. Apparently she was freaking out about coming to my wedding alone.

This is what i texted back

" "Name" You were not the only person invited without a partner so don''t feel alone. x y and z are on their own as well. We can''t afford the extra $100 per person just so people can bring someone along that we have never met before, especially when there are so many of our own friends that we haven''t invited because we can''t afford to. We hope you understand the difficult situation we are in"

The text message worked really well. She got my point without it having to get catty between us and i think i stayed the ''bigger'' person (i have a habit of letting my feelings get in the way and things tend to get out of control pretty easy when i am upset).

I know its not entirely the same situation as yours and I hope you can sort this out with your cousin with as little problems as i did! Good luck!!

 

[Nov2109]

her wording is what really gets me. How do you tell someone you are adding to their guest list. Maybe a nicer way would have been explaining the situation and feeling you out...before letting you know of her plans. What the? Our guest list is set. There are no "add ons" because of our budget and I''m sticking to it. Don''t come to my wedding if you don''t like it.

It used to be viewed as an honor way back when to be invited to someone''s wedding. I feel like people forget that and feel like its about them. Nope, its about me and my FI and our families.

Just rude.

Hope things get worked out with your cousin.

 

[RaiKai]

Never, ever count on that "rule" that such and such a % will decline! Often, it does not work out as planned. However, I admit that my husband and I were ruthless in our invites and only invited people we genuinely, truly wanted there which led to a very small guest list

Anyway, I don''t know the circumstances of her and her BF but I would make the exception if you are able to. There are relationships where couples are not living together, but they are far more serious then some where they are for example. I don''t think she should in anyway be faulted for asking. Before my husband and I actually moved in together, if I had gotten an invite for a wedding without him, you can bet I would have asked. We were obviously serious and I would have wanted to spend time with him. I mean, honestly, weddings are a lot more fun when you have a sidekick Anyway, you never know, and there may have been a decline that opened up more space that was not known before. However, I respect that my request may have been declined at which point I would have just declined the invite. It sounds like she originally reacted quite well actually to your initial response.

What if you told her that right now you are rather "full to capacity", however, you are still waiting for replies and if some room opens you will be happy to have her bring her BF.

 

[joelly]

Sorry OP, please don''t shoot me for this, but if you know she is 33 then you should assume that she won''t come alone. I''m just saying that there should be flexibility in your wedding planning. I know from her email, she sound aloof but thats what email does, it mutes our character, unfortunately.

 

[meresal]

Date: 3/9/2010 4:42:32 PM
Author: RaiKai
Never, ever count on that ''rule'' that such and such a % will decline! Often, it does not work out as planned. However, I admit that my husband and I were ruthless in our invites and only invited people we genuinely, truly wanted there which led to a very small guest list

Anyway, I don''t know the circumstances of her and her BF but I would make the exception if you are able to. There are relationships where couples are not living together, but they are far more serious then some where they are for example. I don''t think she should in anyway be faulted for asking. Before my husband and I actually moved in together, if I had gotten an invite for a wedding without him, you can bet I would have asked. We were obviously serious and I would have wanted to spend time with him. I mean, honestly, weddings are a lot more fun when you have a sidekick Anyway, you never know, and there may have been a decline that opened up more space that was not known before. However, I respect that my request may have been declined at which point I would have just declined the invite. It sounds like she originally reacted quite well actually to your initial response.

What if you told her that right now you are rather ''full to capacity'', however, you are still waiting for replies and if some room opens you will be happy to have her bring her BF.

Raikai- She didn''t "ask"... she wrote an email "telling" OP that she would be RSVP''ing ith 2 instead of just 1. Though I don''t think either of them are appropriate, telling the host you are bringing a date is totally different that asking, IMO.

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 3/9/2010 4:52:57 PM
Raikai- She didn''t ''ask''... she wrote an email ''telling'' OP that she would be RSVP''ing ith 2 instead of just 1. Though I don''t think either of them are appropriate, telling the host you are bringing a date is totally different that asking, IMO.

Okay, she definitely was not tactful in how she handled it and she should of actually ASKED the question first, however, when she was told that was not possible she didn''t get all up in arms about it in her reply.

People who have not sat around and spent time planning weddings often aren''t as tuned into etiquette issues as people who have. I don''t think it is necessary to come down hard on her for it. Etiquette is not as black and white as some people make it seem and you will get variations in responses even depending on what forums you go to (try The Knot''s forums for example - they would come down HARD on some of the things I have seen considered acceptable here).

 

[LadyLilac]

CaribQueen,

For what it''s worth, I think it is admirable that you are standing your ground, yet keeping a good attitude. When hiccups like this arise in my wedding planning, I hope I handle it in the same way that you have.

To head off the problem, prior to sending out our wedding invites, my fiance is going to send a mass email to all of his buddies explaining (in a funny but informative way) that unless they are married, engaged, or have a long time (year +) girlfriend, they will not be able to bring a guest... and to suck it up and be happy because the same rule applies to my female friends (i.e. lots of single ladies to meet).