In-Laws (Part II)

[purrfectpear]

FWIW, I don''t exactly have IL''s now, but when I did the MIL was anything BUT rational. How she avoided being commited to an institution is beyond me (and I''m not exaggerating here). I still went out of my way to be a good DIL, and we''re talking about a raging psychotic woman. My own mom is a real nutcase, but as I''ve aged I''ve learned to let a lot of things go and be a dutiful daughter. She''s 78 now and who knows how much longer I''ll have my parents? I tell myself to live my life without regrets. It''s better to bend than it is to always be right

I agree that Harriet should absolutely put her health first. Only she knows her feelings on that.

That said, I do think her FI would be so pleased if she did help out. Sometimes you do stuff for each other (FI) even when the one you''re doing it for doesn''t necessarily deserve it (FMIL).

So what if FMIL runs hot and cold. So what if she may not appreciate the help for long. Harriet will know she treated her like she will hope her someday daughter-in-law would treat her.

Note; all bets are off if FMIL turns out to be really nasty as opposed to just snippy and petulant.

 

[simplysplendid]

Hi Harriet,

I guess if you are asking then you probably not entirely against the idea of going there. If you are, don't go at all. Don't do what you are not comfortable with. If you are contemplating going but not liking the idea of playing nurse, then I would say drop by to visit for a night or two.

If I am in your shoes, I won't go. Honestly, what can a DIL do to play nurse to a FIL other than to bring his medication or food? If he is physically unable to move and would need assistance eg: moving in and out of bathrooms, then your MIL and precious wecious or FI are better candidates. Unless they are expecting you to help with the household while your MIL takes care of your FIL? - But you are not physically fit yourself and is recovering. If it is indeed to bring medication and food, that's really not too much help to justify a long trip anyway. If it is just to provide moral support, then flowers and a listening ear from NY should suffice.

Good luck! and hope you are getting better..

ETA: How about having your FI take a few days off and you both together? Now now, watching the market is no excuse really.. what about those times that he has to take a holiday? If he is trading for an instituion, then there'll be other traders who can help look after his portfolio while he is away..

 

[kcoursolle]

If you aren''t feeling well yourself, it''s probably not an appropriate time to be a caregiver. However, I do think it may be nice to make some other efforts to mend things with the IL''s.

I would suggest some small, but nice gestures for now such as calling to say hello and wish them well yourself frequently. I think a nice carepackage would be a cool thing to do too. Flowers are nice, but a carepackage with things that you made is so much sweeter. You could bake cookies, put some favoite magazines or something for your FIL to do while he is in bed, etc.

After his health gets better (and yours) and things settle down, it might be nice to make more efforts to come and visit your IL''s. I think these gestures should be enough to let them know that you care and that you are a nice person.


It''s also important to keep in mind that this stuff will probably blow over in time... Don''t get too stressed out it. Try to remain nice at all times with them, but don''t let it get to you too much. There was a time when my IL''s weren''t very happy with me "stealing their son" and moving him to CA...and they talked behind my back quite a bit. However, over time things became fine again, especially when they saw how well DH was doing at his job out here.

 

[Brynn]

Oh Harriet, I'm so sorry that this is happening. You're having a heck of a month honey.

If I were you I would go. Not necessarily to 'mend fences' with the in-laws, but really for two reasons.

One. If one of my parents were sick and I couldn't go to be with them I can't explain how much it would mean to me if my SO went in my place. If for nothing else, I would go for him.

As a CPA and the SO of an investment banker, I completely understand why he can't just run off and have been in more than a few situations where I've wanted to be somewhere so badly, but just couldn't be myself. The comfort of having someone there just to monitor the situation while I couldn't be there would be priceless.

Two. I know things haven't been amazing with your FILs, but I also absolutely second what elle_chris commented on, that while you didn't marry into FI's family they're yours regardless. I know I wouldn't want to look back at a juncture like this and think that I hadn't done all I could do.

But please, make sure that you're looking after your health. As a side note, just wanted to chime in on the travel vs. work idea. If I'm not mistaken you're a tax attorney. The physical and mental health that requires is so much higher than what it would take to travel for a couple of days (at least for me) to me they're completely distinguishable and non-comparable.

Just to qualify my statement, this is coming from a girl who gets along famously with her SO's family. So my viewpoint may be distinctly different from where you're coming from.

Good luck! You'll do just fine, whatever you choose!!

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/15/2008 7:03:27 PM
Author: purrfectpear
FWIW, I don''t exactly have IL''s now, but when I did the MIL was anything BUT rational. How she avoided being commited to an institution is beyond me (and I''m not exaggerating here). I still went out of my way to be a good DIL, and we''re talking about a raging psychotic woman. My own mom is a real nutcase, but as I''ve aged I''ve learned to let a lot of things go and be a dutiful daughter. She''s 78 now and who knows how much longer I''ll have my parents? I tell myself to live my life without regrets. It''s better to bend than it is to always be right

I agree that Harriet should absolutely put her health first. Only she knows her feelings on that.

That said, I do think her FI would be so pleased if she did help out. Sometimes you do stuff for each other (FI) even when the one you''re doing it for doesn''t necessarily deserve it (FMIL).

So what if FMIL runs hot and cold. So what if she may not appreciate the help for long. Harriet will know she treated her like she will hope her someday daughter-in-law would treat her.

Note; all bets are off if FMIL turns out to be really nasty as opposed to just snippy and petulant.

Yup.

FMIL has no filter whatsoever. She foams at the mouth and will say the most hurtful things even when she''s in the best of moods. I''m terrified of how she''ll behave under stress.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/15/2008 7:16:52 PM
Author: simplysplendid
Hi Harriet,

I guess if you are asking then you probably not entirely against the idea of going there. If you are, don''t go at all. Don''t do what you are not comfortable with. If you are contemplating going but not liking the idea of playing nurse, then I would say drop by to visit for a night or two.

If I am in your shoes, I won''t go. Honestly, what can a DIL do to play nurse to a FIL other than to bring his medication or food? If he is physically unable to move and would need assistance eg: moving in and out of bathrooms, then your MIL and precious wecious or FI are better candidates. Unless they are expecting you to help with the household while your MIL takes care of your FIL? - But you are not physically fit yourself and is recovering. If it is indeed to bring medication and food, that''s really not too much help to justify a long trip anyway. If it is just to provide moral support, then flowers and a listening ear from NY should suffice.

Good luck! and hope you are getting better..

ETA: How about having your FI take a few days off and you both together? Now now, watching the market is no excuse really.. what about those times that he has to take a holiday? If he is trading for an instituion, then there''ll be other traders who can help look after his portfolio while he is away..

Hi and thanks for weighing in. Unfortunately, FI can''t take off right now, with the market being so turbulent. He''s the only one who covers the sectors that he does at his fund.

 

[diamondfan]

NO. You are unwell, Harriet, in need of taking a leave from work, which is not a casual thing in my view. Their other son is available. You have a poor relationship with them and nursing a sick older person is NOT the time when fences get mended. People recovering from surgery or illness are not at their best. Cranky, demanding, difficult, is this how he thinks you are going to embark on the road to relational repair? What if you relapse or feel unwell there? Your dealings with them are poor under the best of circumstances. How are you supposed to heal and get married and nurse him? I would have said no, as my psyche and well being cannot be subjected to an onslaught from recuperating people and people who are not kind to me. Putting myself in their home to nursemaid them would be a nightmare. Let them HIRE a nurse or make their other son help them. I do not think your fiance should have volunteered you, knowing how very sick you are and how tough they are on you when they are feeling well. Insanity, no offense. You should fly to Michigan when you are having a wedding, when you are too sick to be at work, so you can tend to people who mistreat you? I think he is nuts to be honest with you.

Of course you can suck it up and go, but really I think you are making a mistake that could be worse. If tempers flare while you are out there unsupported, how much fence mending will likely occur? Or do you think someone might say something they regret later? I am being blunt here. You are NOT a nurse. It will be the two of them, both of whom are upset with you and how you do things and impact their son. One of them is likely to be more difficult if he is in pain. And YOU yourself are not well. Just seems like a recipe for disaster. And please understand I GET the idea of doing something for your other half even when you might like not to. This seems though, to be a lose lose, and well beyond just doing something to make your other half happy or make something easier for them. I do that all of the time, but I have to have my limits and protect myself if something could backfire.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/15/2008 7:25:11 PM
Author: kcoursolle
If you aren''t feeling well yourself, it''s probably not an appropriate time to be a caregiver. However, I do think it may be nice to make some other efforts to mend things with the IL''s.

I would suggest some small, but nice gestures for now such as calling to say hello and wish them well yourself frequently. I think a nice carepackage would be a cool thing to do too. Flowers are nice, but a carepackage with things that you made is so much sweeter. You could bake cookies, put some favoite magazines or something for your FIL to do while he is in bed, etc.

After his health gets better (and yours) and things settle down, it might be nice to make more efforts to come and visit your IL''s. I think these gestures should be enough to let them know that you care and that you are a nice person.


It''s also important to keep in mind that this stuff will probably blow over in time... Don''t get too stressed out it. Try to remain nice at all times with them, but don''t let it get to you too much. There was a time when my IL''s weren''t very happy with me ''stealing their son'' and moving him to CA...and they talked behind my back quite a bit. However, over time things became fine again, especially when they saw how well DH was doing at his job out here.

I''ve already sent FIL some cherry pie (his favourite) and have been calling to chat with him. MIL is still being frosty towards me, sadly. We''ll also be visiting the following weekend.

If you don''t mind my asking, how did you work things out with your ILs?

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/15/2008 8:23:38 PM
Author: Brynn
Oh Harriet, I''m so sorry that this is happening. You''re having a heck of a month honey.

If I were you I would go. Not necessarily to ''mend fences'' with the in-laws, but really for two reasons.

One. If one of my parents were sick and I couldn''t go to be with them I can''t explain how much it would mean to me if my SO went in my place. If for nothing else, I would go for him.

As a CPA and the SO of an investment banker, I completely understand why he can''t just run off and have been in more than a few situations where I''ve wanted to be somewhere so badly, but just couldn''t be myself. The comfort of having someone there just to monitor the situation while I couldn''t be there would be priceless.

Two. I know things haven''t been amazing with your FILs, but I also absolutely second what elle_chris commented on, that while you didn''t marry into FI''s family they''re yours regardless. I know I wouldn''t want to look back at a juncture like this and think that I hadn''t done all I could do.

But please, make sure that you''re looking after your health. As a side note, just wanted to chime in on the travel vs. work idea. If I''m not mistaken you''re a tax attorney. The physical and mental health that requires is so much higher than what it would take to travel for a couple of days (at least for me) to me they''re completely distinguishable and non-comparable.

Just to qualify my statement, this is coming from a girl who gets along famously with her SO''s family. So my viewpoint may be distinctly different from where you''re coming from.

Good luck! You''ll do just fine, whatever you choose!!

Hi Brynn,

I am having a "heck of a month." Thank goodness I''m on leave! You''re correct about my profession. I''m due to return to work fairly soon, so I need to get back into fighting shape. Thanks for your confidence in me.

 

[Linda W]

Harriet,

I do agree with Caroline and the others, who have said to stay home. I don''t understand why other posters are encouraging you to go. Your health isn''t good and may actually get worse, with all of the stress.

Please think your decision very carefully. We care about you AND your health.


Love, Linda

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/15/2008 10:07:11 PM
Author: diamondfan
NO. You are unwell, Harriet, in need of taking a leave from work, which is not a casual thing in my view. Their other son is available. You have a poor relationship with them and nursing a sick older person is NOT the time when fences get mended. People recovering from surgery or illness are not at their best. Cranky, demanding, difficult, is this how he thinks you are going to embark on the road to relational repair? What if you relapse or feel unwell there? Your dealings with them are poor under the best of circumstances. How are you supposed to heal and get married and nurse him? I would have said no, as my psyche and well being cannot be subjected to an onslaught from recuperating people and people who are not kind to me. Putting myself in their home to nursemaid them would be a nightmare. Let them HIRE a nurse or make their other son help them. I do not think your fiance should have volunteered you, knowing how very sick you are and how tough they are on you when they are feeling well. Insanity, no offense. You should fly to Michigan when you are having a wedding, when you are too sick to be at work, so you can tend to people who mistreat you? I think he is nuts to be honest with you.

Of course you can suck it up and go, but really I think you are making a mistake that could be worse. If tempers flare while you are out there unsupported, how much fence mending will likely occur? Or do you think someone might say something they regret later? I am being blunt here. You are NOT a nurse. It will be the two of them, both of whom are upset with you and how you do things and impact their son. One of them is likely to be more difficult if he is in pain. And YOU yourself are not well. Just seems like a recipe for disaster. And please understand I GET the idea of doing something for your other half even when you might like not to. This seems though, to be a lose lose, and well beyond just doing something to make your other half happy or make something easier for them. I do that all of the time, but I have to have my limits and protect myself if something could backfire.

Thanks for your candid opinion, Dr. Kitty!

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/15/2008 10:26:44 PM
Author: Linda W
Harriet,

I do agree with Caroline and the others, who have said to stay home. I don''t understand why other posters are encouraging you to go. Your health isn''t good and may actually get worse, with all of the stress.

Please think your decision very carefully. We care about you AND your health.


Love, Linda

Dearest Linda,
I promise you that I will think about things very carefully. Everyone has given me plenty to chew on. Many thanks!

 

[diamondfan]

Remember the saying "No good deed goes unpunished" Harriet...you might push yourself, end up worse, make matters between you and your future in laws worse not better, and cause your hubby angst too. I know when I am unwell, unless it is my child that needs me, pretty much I am not in the condition to nursemaid someone. I simply would be compassionate, lend an ear, send food or other items, and encourage them to hire a private nurse. End of story.

 

[Linda W]

Harriet sweetheart.

I am old enough to be your mother and I know this is what my mother would say to me. Your health comes first.

She always told me this with my in laws.


Linda

 

[Harriet]

Dr. Kitty,
Thanks again.

Mother Linda,

I would talk to my mum about this, but I don''t want to worry her.

 

[Linda W]

I know you don''t sweetie, I know she is ill. I do hope she is feeling better soon.

Hugs to you and to her.

Love, me (mom Linda)

 

[Miranda]

Could you just hire someone to take care of FIL? Or to help MIL with whatever she needs help with? Have they asked for you to come help? I dunno. I''ve never been seriously ill. But, when the kids were born I really wanted to be left alone until I felt like myself.

Honey, you have no business taking care of him while you are ill yourself.

I understand your FI asking this of you. He is a man afterall and is just thinking of how to make everyone happy. That''s why he left you the out. I''m sure he is feeling caught in the middle.

Hell yes, Precious Wecious should be helping to take care of FIL. Yes, FI should call and find out WHEN he is going to help out.

Would I go? *Sigh* I don''t really know. I know how strong a sense of obligation can be. I also know how unpleasant it could be.

 

[Kaleigh]

If you are on medical leave from your Job, why would your FI ask you to fly out to help his parents? That doesn''t make sense....
If you want to help, perhaps you can do so long distance. You can hire home health aids, nurses, send food etc....
I think your FI must not see your medical leave as seriously as you do?? You have it for a reason, leaving to take care of other''s while being on your own, is a tall task for someone that is well.

Giving your time to them, when there are hurt feelings, isn''t the way to mend fences. I think that''s something you work on once they are well. Helping people that are healing is tough, as they will take their pain out on you. If you are there all alone, I don''t see that as something you''d want to take on at this point in your healing process. So again, I wonder why your FI would ask this of you?

 

[diamondfan]

Kaleigh, that was my point too. If I am ill enough to take a leave, and my wedding is within a couple of weeks, I cannot imagine being asked to fly to another state to nurse someone with whom I have a trouble with on a good day. Harriet, I understand that your goal would be to be helpful to your man, and show that you are a bigger person, but your own mom is ill and so are you, so why would he think you should drop everything for them? And like Kaleigh (and I) said, people recuperating from something are NOT likely to be in the best mood. Can you imagine going there, not well, without your fiance, to be a sitting duck for their moods? I think you would be foolish to even consider it now.

Fence mending may occur, but I must tell you after nearly 20 years experience, people do not change. You may have to sort of resign yourself to not having a fabulous rapport with them, and that is that...I am not saying it is what you want, but it takes more than one person to affect change, and if they do not, you can just accept it and be as pleasant as you can be, or you can have conflict. I waver between the two on daily basis myself...

 

[Madam Bijoux]

Your in-laws are trying to manipulate and control you. They're thinking that, as a new bride, you'll be wanting to please them and stay in their good graces. They're doing the groundwork now for a lifetime of taking advantage of you. If you let them get away with it this time, they'll be pulling this krapp for the rest of their lives. Nip it in the bud and just say no.

Also, you're about to start your married life. Your first priority is building your financial security with your husband. You have no legal or moral obligation to subsidize or provide medical care for any relatives.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/15/2008 11:38:55 PM
Author: Linda W
I know you don''t sweetie, I know she is ill. I do hope she is feeling better soon.

Hugs to you and to her.

Love, me (mom Linda)

Thank you. Wanna be my American mom?

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/16/2008 12:33:15 AM
Author: Miranda
Could you just hire someone to take care of FIL? Or to help MIL with whatever she needs help with? Have they asked for you to come help? I dunno. I''ve never been seriously ill. But, when the kids were born I really wanted to be left alone until I felt like myself.

Honey, you have no business taking care of him while you are ill yourself.

I understand your FI asking this of you. He is a man afterall and is just thinking of how to make everyone happy. That''s why he left you the out. I''m sure he is feeling caught in the middle.

Hell yes, Precious Wecious should be helping to take care of FIL. Yes, FI should call and find out WHEN he is going to help out.

Would I go? *Sigh* I don''t really know. I know how strong a sense of obligation can be. I also know how unpleasant it could be.

To the ILs'' credit, they haven''t asked for us to go help. I feel bad that FI is caught in the middle. At the same time, I have to protect myself. Sigh. Like Deco said, everyone seems to have forgotten Precious Wecious'' existence. Someone also said she wouldn''t trust him with a plant!

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/16/2008 12:42:45 AM
Author: Kaleigh
If you are on medical leave from your Job, why would your FI ask you to fly out to help his parents? That doesn''t make sense....
If you want to help, perhaps you can do so long distance. You can hire home health aids, nurses, send food etc....
I think your FI must not see your medical leave as seriously as you do?? You have it for a reason, leaving to take care of other''s while being on your own, is a tall task for someone that is well.

Giving your time to them, when there are hurt feelings, isn''t the way to mend fences. I think that''s something you work on once they are well. Helping people that are healing is tough, as they will take their pain out on you. If you are there all alone, I don''t see that as something you''d want to take on at this point in your healing process. So again, I wonder why your FI would ask this of you?

Exactly! That''s the question I''ve been grappling with. I''ve already offered to do whatever can be done long-distance. Touche, Kaleigh.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/16/2008 9:53:35 AM
Author: diamondfan
Kaleigh, that was my point too. If I am ill enough to take a leave, and my wedding is within a couple of weeks, I cannot imagine being asked to fly to another state to nurse someone with whom I have a trouble with on a good day. Harriet, I understand that your goal would be to be helpful to your man, and show that you are a bigger person, but your own mom is ill and so are you, so why would he think you should drop everything for them? And like Kaleigh (and I) said, people recuperating from something are NOT likely to be in the best mood. Can you imagine going there, not well, without your fiance, to be a sitting duck for their moods? I think you would be foolish to even consider it now.

Fence mending may occur, but I must tell you after nearly 20 years experience, people do not change. You may have to sort of resign yourself to not having a fabulous rapport with them, and that is that...I am not saying it is what you want, but it takes more than one person to affect change, and if they do not, you can just accept it and be as pleasant as you can be, or you can have conflict. I waver between the two on daily basis myself...

''Fraid so.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/16/2008 10:07:49 AM
Author: Madam Bijoux
Your in-laws are trying to manipulate and control you. They''re thinking that, as a new bride, you''ll be wanting to please them and stay in their good graces. They''re doing the groundwork now for a lifetime of taking advantage of you. If you let them get away with it this time, they''ll be pulling this krapp for the rest of their lives. Nip it in the bud and just say no.

Also, you''re about to start your married life. Your first priority is building your financial security with your husband. You have no legal or moral obligation to subsidize or provide medical care for any relatives.

Again, to be fair to the ILs, the request came from FI, not them. But I''m POed that they picked a fight over Precious Wecious staying here the month before the wedding.

I won''t lie. It''s an exciting, but scary, time. FI and I have been having heavy discussions about how we want to approach things going forward. As a result, we''re closer than we''ve ever been before and I''m thrilled to see him come home everyday. I don''t think it''s a good time for me to be away from him.

 

[Linda W]

Date: 7/16/2008 12:26:03 PM
Author: Harriet

Date: 7/15/2008 11:38:55 PM

Author: Linda W

I know you don''t sweetie, I know she is ill. I do hope she is feeling better soon.


Hugs to you and to her.


Love, me (mom Linda)

Thank you. Wanna be my American mom?

I would LOVE to be your American mom!!!

 

[Madam Bijoux]

I don''t think it''s a good time for me to be away from him.

Exactly. Always go with your instincts.

 

[kcoursolle]

Date: 7/15/2008 10:16:59 PM
Author: Harriet

Date: 7/15/2008 7:25:11 PM
Author: kcoursolle
If you aren''t feeling well yourself, it''s probably not an appropriate time to be a caregiver. However, I do think it may be nice to make some other efforts to mend things with the IL''s.

I would suggest some small, but nice gestures for now such as calling to say hello and wish them well yourself frequently. I think a nice carepackage would be a cool thing to do too. Flowers are nice, but a carepackage with things that you made is so much sweeter. You could bake cookies, put some favoite magazines or something for your FIL to do while he is in bed, etc.

After his health gets better (and yours) and things settle down, it might be nice to make more efforts to come and visit your IL''s. I think these gestures should be enough to let them know that you care and that you are a nice person.


It''s also important to keep in mind that this stuff will probably blow over in time... Don''t get too stressed out it. Try to remain nice at all times with them, but don''t let it get to you too much. There was a time when my IL''s weren''t very happy with me ''stealing their son'' and moving him to CA...and they talked behind my back quite a bit. However, over time things became fine again, especially when they saw how well DH was doing at his job out here.

I''ve already sent FIL some cherry pie (his favourite) and have been calling to chat with him. MIL is still being frosty towards me, sadly. We''ll also be visiting the following weekend.

If you don''t mind my asking, how did you work things out with your ILs?

I think the pie and phone calls will go a long way, even if MIL is still frosty for now. Just keep being nice and eventually she will hopefully warm back up.

Honestly, for the most part my relationship with the IL''s just repaired itself over time without me doing much expect being generally nice and ignoring the things I heard behind my back. Another part of the issue is that the IL''s had some of their own issues going on and were projecting some of their unhappiness and their problems to us. Eventually, things got better in their lives and that made them more happy in general. Eventually, things went back to normal...and this might be the case with some of the issues you are facing right now. Since they have stress in their lives they may be quick to be angry towards you and in general the issue of no houseguests and other things may be old news after a while. Another source of family gossip may become more important later.

 

[Harriet]

Hi, Mother Linda!

I think I will, Madam B.

kcoursolle, thanks for sharing.

 

[Harriet]

All,

Many thanks for your advice. I have decided NOT to go. I suffer from a stomach condition that is aggravated by stress. I saw my doctor today and he wasn't happy about my lack of progress. Once again, thank you.