In-Laws (Part II)

[Harriet]

I''m sorry to subject you to more, but I could use your advice.

FIL just had an accident that resulted in surgery (thankfully, there will be no permanent damage). MIL is caring for him, along with her parents. Yesterday, she called FI at work to ask him to do some things. He passed them on to me, and I have no problem pitching in. BUT, FI also requested that I go to Michigan to help MIL out. He swore that he wouldn''t hold it against me if I said "no." He acknowledged that I''m not in the pink of health myself. He said that one of the reasons behind his request is that my going would mend matters between the ILs and ourselves -- they have said that our no-guest policy, coupled with our not visiting them when they live abroad (even though we explained that we haven''t had much vacation time) means that we''re cutting them out of our life.

1. Should FI have made that request of me?
2. Shouldn''t MIL have called on Precious Wecious instead? FI''s job involves monitoring the markets, and I myself try not to
disturb him at work.
3. Shouldn''t Precious Wecious be the one to go to Michigan? I''m on medical leave so that I can recover, not so that I can
play nurse. I urged FI to tell Precious Wecious to buck up, but FI says that his behavious is none of our business.
4. Would you go if you were me?

Thanks.

 

[jewelerman]

Wow...you have alot happening in your life...i wish i could give you advice on this situation so its a win/win...i am interested in what others have to say...family situations can be so hard...keep in mind that this is a problem that is well worth discussing on the forum because it could be any of us in this situation tomarrow...Are you sure that committing and going would heal other problems with these people?Who else is available to go?Im sure you will get alot of advise today...

 

[MonkeyPie]

1. Should FI have made that request of me? It can go either way...he''s trying to mend fences, but he needs to realize it isn''t through any fault of you or him that the fences are broken.
2. Shouldn''t MIL have called on Precious Wecious instead? FI''s job involves monitoring the markets, and I myself try not to bother him at work. The fact that they didn''t says they know exactly how worthless he is, and that he would not be a help, but a hinderance. They know which child is more responsible, despite their previous actions. Personally, THIS pisses me off for you. They are aware of the "other kids''" faults, but refuse to acknowledge them properly.
3. Shouldn''t Precious Wecious be the one to go to Michigan? I''m on medical leave so that I can recover, not so that I can play nurse. I urged FI to tell Precious Wecious to buck up, but FI says that his behavious is none of our business. He''s right, it isn''t, but that doesn''t mean you get to pick up his slack. If your MIL asks you for any furthur help, your FI should point out that FBIL is jobless and has FAR more time (and is more healthy) than you.
4. Would you go if you were me? Hell. No. But I''m rude like that If I were you, I''d just let your FI know it is not something you want to do, as you are still healing physically.

 

[aprilcait]

1. Whether or not your FI should have requested that of you is irrelevant, IMHO. He did say that he wouldn''t hold it against you if you said ''no'', so you should be able to say ''no''. If he gets upset about you saying ''no'' then it''s his own fault for not being honest with you.

2. If you''re on medical leave, don''t go. You need to heal. I would send food and/or flowers and offer a listening ear for MIL, but I would not go if I were you.

3. FI should try to take care of what he can from where he is instead of passing the buck. He can ask Precious for help if need be, but he''s right that Precious'' behavior is not something you can control.

4. IMO, MIL should have asked Precious to help out, but she didn''t and there''s nothing you can do about that. I''m guessing here, but she may have called your FI instead of Precious because your FI is the responsible sibling.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/15/2008 2:18:13 PM
Author: MonkeyPie
1. Should FI have made that request of me? It can go either way...he''s trying to mend fences, but he needs to realize it isn''t through any fault of you or him that the fences are broken.
2. Shouldn''t MIL have called on Precious Wecious instead? FI''s job involves monitoring the markets, and I myself try not to bother him at work. The fact that they didn''t says they know exactly how worthless he is, and that he would not be a help, but a hinderance. They know which child is more responsible, despite their previous actions. Personally, THIS pisses me off for you. They are aware of the ''other kids'''' faults, but refuse to acknowledge them properly.
3. Shouldn''t Precious Wecious be the one to go to Michigan? I''m on medical leave so that I can recover, not so that I can play nurse. I urged FI to tell Precious Wecious to buck up, but FI says that his behavious is none of our business. He''s right, it isn''t, but that doesn''t mean you get to pick up his slack. If your MIL asks you for any furthur help, your FI should point out that FBIL is jobless and has FAR more time (and is more healthy) than you.
4. Would you go if you were me? Hell. No. But I''m rude like that If I were you, I''d just let your FI know it is not something you want to do, as you are still healing physically.

I never thought of this. You''re right. Thanks for chiming in.

 

[peridot83]

Clearly I am delaying studying today...

1. I feel that your FI should feel free to ask anything of you, as long as there is no pressure and plenty of understanding. He''s clearly worried about his parents and wants someone he trusts to help them out - and that person is YOU not Precious Wecious(PW)- who I doubt anyone would trust with a plant.

2. Though I doubt MIL will admit it, see above. I doubt anyone is trusting PW with anything.

3. Again, see above. Apparently the parents have too much family pride to admit it, and perhaps FI does as well, but I doubt anyone sees PW as the go to guy in a crisis/health situation.

4. Despite the fact that you are clearly more responsible than PW, I don''t think you should go UNLESS you will have other allies/reinforcements who will arrive shortly after. (i.e. FI or a cousin of FI??? or someone you''ve met who you actually like and are comfortable with)

Going into a stress/health situation (even if not serious) where you are NOT comfortable and have no allies seems like something of a disaster unless you''ll have someone to share it with.

On the other hand, if you think it won''t be a big deal, it''s only for a day or two...I would go just to smooth things over with the in-laws.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/15/2008 2:17:58 PM
Author: jewelerman
Wow...you have alot happening in your life...i wish i could give you advice on this situation so its a win/win...i am interested in what others have to say...family situations can be so hard...keep in mind that this is a problem that is well worth discussing on the forum because it could be any of us in this situation tomarrow...Are you sure that committing and going would heal other problems with these people?Who else is available to go?Im sure you will get alot of advise today...

It never rains, but pours! FI''s brother has plenty of time on his hands and his perfectly healthy.
P.S. An aside, but are you in NY too?

 

[Bia]

Uh-uh. You going there is not going to help anything because 1.) you need to heal yourself first and 2.) situation is already touchy w/ the in-laws (they aren''t happy with you two), why FI thinks its your job to mend fences is beyond me, they''re his parents.

So, I say don''t go, unless you want to (which you clearly don''t). If future hubby gets upset, tell him you''re being honest and he should be too. And, they are his parents!

Good luck...

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/15/2008 2:21:22 PM
Author: aprilcait

1. Whether or not your FI should have requested that of you is irrelevant, IMHO. He did say that he wouldn''t hold it against you if you said ''no'', so you should be able to say ''no''. If he gets upset about you saying ''no'' then it''s his own fault for not being honest with you.

2. If you''re on medical leave, don''t go. You need to heal. I would send food and/or flowers and offer a listening ear for MIL, but I would not go if I were you.

3. FI should try to take care of what he can from where he is instead of passing the buck. He can ask Precious for help if need be, but he''s right that Precious'' behavior is not something you can control.

4. IMO, MIL should have asked Precious to help out, but she didn''t and there''s nothing you can do about that. I''m guessing here, but she may have called your FI instead of Precious because your FI is the responsible sibling.

Done.
P.S. You look so lovely and happy in your wedding dress!

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/15/2008 2:26:01 PM
Author: peridot83
Clearly I am delaying studying today...

1. I feel that your FI should feel free to ask anything of you, as long as there is no pressure and plenty of understanding. He''s clearly worried about his parents and wants someone he trusts to help them out - and that person is YOU not Precious Wecious(PW)- who I doubt anyone would trust with a plant.

2. Though I doubt MIL will admit it, see above. I doubt anyone is trusting PW with anything.

3. Again, see above. Apparently the parents have too much family pride to admit it, and perhaps FI does as well, but I doubt anyone sees PW as the go to guy in a crisis/health situation.

4. Despite the fact that you are clearly more responsible than PW, I don''t think you should go UNLESS you will have other allies/reinforcements who will arrive shortly after. (i.e. FI or a cousin of FI??? or someone you''ve met who you actually like and are comfortable with)

Going into a stress/health situation (even if not serious) where you are NOT comfortable and have no allies seems like something of a disaster unless you''ll have someone to share it with.

On the other hand, if you think it won''t be a big deal, it''s only for a day or two...I would go just to smooth things over with the in-laws.

Thanks. Procrastinating, huh? Been there.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/15/2008 2:30:52 PM
Author: Bia
Uh-uh. You going there is not going to help anything because 1.) you need to heal yourself first and 2.) situation is already touchy w/ the in-laws (they aren''t happy with you two), why FI thinks its your job to mend fences is beyond me, they''re his parents.

So, I say don''t go, unless you want to (which you clearly don''t). If future hubby gets upset, tell him you''re being honest and he should be too. And, they are his parents!

Good luck...

Thanks. Goodness knows I need it.

 

[iluvcarats]

Oh Harriet, so sorry to hear there is a sequel!

I don''t know the extent of your medical issues, but if you are well enough to make the trip, I would go , and here is why.

This is your future family (for better or worse) much better for you and DF if people are getting along. His parents will never take any of their anger or resentment out on their children, and you will be made to carry ALL of it. So at least if you go, you are trying. If you don''t go, then they will continue with their pathetic guilt trips and rude comments. If you do go, and they still continue to behave this way, then at least you can say to DF "I tried. Nothing I do will ever be enough for them, but I did make the effort." And then you are off the hook for good.

I am sorry this exciting time in your life is dampened by illness and inlaws. Good thoughts coming your way....

 

[elle_chris]

I''m going to be the voice of dissent here for what it''s worth.

I''d want to try to smooth things over with my inlaws if i were in that situation. So if my health allowed it and it''s no great burden, I wouldn''t think it''d be a big deal going for 2, maybe 3 days.

I think it shows that you truly care and want to be a part of the family. In other words, it can''t hurt but can do a great deal of good.

I also wouldn''t NOT go on the principle of "precious wecious" has free time, no job, freeloader etc. It''s their son, period. No concern of yours until he pushes himself on you (like what happened in your other thread). Otherwise, I wouldn''t get involved.

I always remind myself that while I married my husband and NOT his family, I''m a part of it whether i like it or not. There will be times when I''m or we''re asked to do things and I can think of a million reasons why his sister can do it instead (and mind you, i love her like my own sister), i''ll still help out.

In the end it''s not just "his" or "my" family, but "ours."

 

[purrfectpear]

Date: 7/15/2008 2:07:25 PM
Author:Harriet

1. Should FI have made that request of me?

Sure, you''re going to be a family member. You can always say no.
2. Shouldn''t MIL have called on Precious Wecious instead? FI''s job involves monitoring the markets, and I myself try not to
disturb him at work.
Right or wrong, you tend to call on people you actually KNOW you can trust and depend on.
3. Shouldn''t Precious Wecious be the one to go to Michigan? I''m on medical leave so that I can recover, not so that I can
play nurse. I urged FI to tell Precious Wecious to buck up, but FI says that his behavious is none of our business.
FI is right. Sonny''s failings aren''t really the point here. The point is IL''s need help now. The point is they asked who they thought would come through. (It is sort of nice to know that in a pinch they know they can''t trust Sonny)
4. Would you go if you were me?
I don''t know anything about your med condition? If possible, and I didn''t think it would make me sicker, I would go.
1. Because it''s the right thing to do, and
2. Because it would garner major brownie points

Thanks.

 

[decodelighted]

If I was well enough to go, I''d go ... not for MIL or FIL ... but for your future husband. Even a couple of days might be a compromise you can live with. Honestly, I''d just forget that lame-o brother exists. Everyone else has.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/15/2008 2:43:34 PM
Author: iluvcarats
Oh Harriet, so sorry to hear there is a sequel!

I don''t know the extent of your medical issues, but if you are well enough to make the trip, I would go , and here is why.

This is your future family (for better or worse) much better for you and DF if people are getting along. His parents will never take any of their anger or resentment out on their children, and you will be made to carry ALL of it. So at least if you go, you are trying. If you don''t go, then they will continue with their pathetic guilt trips and rude comments. If you do go, and they still continue to behave this way, then at least you can say to DF ''I tried. Nothing I do will ever be enough for them, but I did make the effort.'' And then you are off the hook for good.

I am sorry this exciting time in your life is dampened by illness and inlaws. Good thoughts coming your way....

Thanks, iluvcarats.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/15/2008 2:47:05 PM
Author: elle_chris
I''m going to be the voice of dissent here for what it''s worth.

I''d want to try to smooth things over with my inlaws if i were in that situation. So if my health allowed it and it''s no great burden, I wouldn''t think it''d be a big deal going for 2, maybe 3 days.

I think it shows that you truly care and want to be a part of the family. In other words, it can''t hurt but can do a great deal of good.

I also wouldn''t NOT go on the principle of ''precious wecious'' has free time, no job, freeloader etc. It''s their son, period. No concern of yours until he pushes himself on you (like what happened in your other thread). Otherwise, I wouldn''t get involved.

I always remind myself that while I married my husband and NOT his family, I''m a part of it whether i like it or not. There will be times when I''m or we''re asked to do things and I can think of a million reasons why his sister can do it instead (and mind you, i love her like my own sister), i''ll still help out.

In the end it''s not just ''his'' or ''my'' family, but ''ours.''

Hey, I did ask for opinions! Thanks.

 

[Harriet]

Date: 7/15/2008 2:51:00 PM
Author: decodelighted
If I was well enough to go, I''d go ... not for MIL or FIL ... but for your future husband. Even a couple of days might be a compromise you can live with. Honestly, I''d just forget that lame-o brother exists. Everyone else has.

 

[Anna0499]

Date: 7/15/2008 2:47:05 PM
Author: elle_chris
I'm going to be the voice of dissent here for what it's worth.

I'd want to try to smooth things over with my inlaws if i were in that situation. So if my health allowed it and it's no great burden, I wouldn't think it'd be a big deal going for 2, maybe 3 days.

I think it shows that you truly care and want to be a part of the family. In other words, it can't hurt but can do a great deal of good.

I also wouldn't NOT go on the principle of 'precious wecious' has free time, no job, freeloader etc. It's their son, period. No concern of yours until he pushes himself on you (like what happened in your other thread). Otherwise, I wouldn't get involved.

I always remind myself that while I married my husband and NOT his family, I'm a part of it whether i like it or not. There will be times when I'm or we're asked to do things and I can think of a million reasons why his sister can do it instead (and mind you, i love her like my own sister), i'll still help out.

In the end it's not just 'his' or 'my' family, but 'ours.'

I agree - if your health and sanity permits it - then go. I don't know much about taking care of parents/ILs yet because I am fairly young, all of my grandparents have passed on and I know both of my parents would love the opportunity to help them out in any way, shape, or form. While this situation doesn't sound life-or-death serious, it might go a long way towards mending the relationship. Even if PW technically has more time to help out, it doesn't sound like his help would actually be useful or appreciated.

ETA: As cliche as it sounds, maybe this is one of those times in your life when you can "Be the bigger person."

 

[Linda W]

OMG Dear Harriet, I am so sorry you have to go through even more of this episode.

I honestly don''t know what to say my dear friend, so I am not going to say anything at all.

I am sending you a big hug though and my love and thoughts are with you.


Linda

 

[strmrdr]

Sorry to hear about your health issues hope your feeling better real soon.

If you are on sick leave from work then there is no way you should go.
Not only might you get in trouble with work (She is well enough to travel she is well enough to work ... ) its just not the right thing to do.

 

[Linda W]

Date: 7/15/2008 3:03:38 PM
Author: strmrdr
Sorry to hear about your health issues hope your feeling better real soon.


If you are on sick leave from work then there is no way you should go.

Not only might you get in trouble with work (She is well enough to travel she is well enough to work ... ) its just not the right thing to do.

DITTO DITTO DITTO. That was I was about to write, after I posted I didn''t have anything to say. THANK YOU STORM!!! Besides Harriet, who is to say, they still may not be nice to you, once you are there?? It will add to your stress.


Linda

 

[Harriet]

IndyGirl22,
I see your point. My sanity permits me to go, but it may not exist upon my return.

Linda,
You''re a darling, as usual.

strm,
Hey there. Thanks. That''s an excellent question you raised.

 

[Anna0499]

Date: 7/15/2008 3:08:44 PM
Author: Harriet
IndyGirl22,
I see your point. My sanity permits me to go, but it may not exist upon my return.

Linda,
You''re a darling, as usual.

strm,
Hey there. Thanks. That''s an excellent question you raised.

I definitely think your health comes first and it''s obviously a situation where you will need to just weight the pros and cons and decide for yourself, but I wouldn''t not go because of PW - that''s just giving him too much influence on your choices. I hope you heal quickly and everything works out!

Maybe if you go and help out you will obtain some sort of "leverage" on the ILs...(not trying to be devious but you know what I mean).

 

[Harriet]

I understand what you mean by "leverage."

 

[jewelerman]

Harriet,
I am not in New York...I am currently living Utah.Ive live in larger citys...mostly in the western united states.

 

[jewelerman]

P/S...when can i come visit the Harriet Hotel for a long visit...I will e-mail you with my breakfast,lunch,dinner menus, and how much starch for my shirt, and oh...i will need a ride from the airport....see you soon.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

Don''t go. This is a lose/lose situation no matter what you do, so at least protect their health. The people who think you should go have rational, adult ILs, you do not and the rules are different.

The ILs are not rational about this. Going isn''t going to make everything better, it may just delay the inevitable because they do have boundries issues and they aren;t going to magically see you as a good child/addition to the family by going out there.

They know you don''t have vacation time, they don''t care and blamed you for not visiting anyway.
They know you don''t have the room or ability to care for the bro in law, but they blame you anyway.
They know bro is useless but they don''t blame him.

If you don''t go, they get mad and you heal and they know they can''t push you around, so the boundries you are building (not bad boundries, healthy boundries dysfunctional families lack). If you do go, best case senario, they like you until the next thing comes up. At that point you either say no and have the fight you delayed this time, or you have to cater to them again until all the boundries you have built get washed away.
They may decide they don''t like the way you are doing things and you will get criticized even though you are there helping.

So if you are going to lose, at least do it where you have your health, sanity and healthy family boundries.

 

[Linda W]

Date: 7/15/2008 6:15:21 PM
Author: brazen_irish_hussy
Don''t go. This is a lose/lose situation no matter what you do, so at least protect their health. The people who think you should go have rational, adult ILs, you do not and the rules are different.


The ILs are not rational about this. Going isn''t going to make everything better, it may just delay the inevitable because they do have boundries issues and they aren;t going to magically see you as a good child/addition to the family by going out there.


They know you don''t have vacation time, they don''t care and blamed you for not visiting anyway.

They know you don''t have the room or ability to care for the bro in law, but they blame you anyway.

They know bro is useless but they don''t blame him.


If you don''t go, they get mad and you heal and they know they can''t push you around, so the boundries you are building (not bad boundries, healthy boundries dysfunctional families lack). If you do go, best case senario, they like you until the next thing comes up. At that point you either say no and have the fight you delayed this time, or you have to cater to them again until all the boundries you have built get washed away.

They may decide they don''t like the way you are doing things and you will get criticized even though you are there helping.


So if you are going to lose, at least do it where you have your health, sanity and healthy family boundries.

Whoo Hoo, I could not have said this any better!!! Great Post!!!!!!!

 

[Harriet]

Purrfectpear,
Thanks for your advice. Sorry I missed it earlier.

Jewelerman,
Darn. I thought you lived here too.

SDL,
I appreciate it.

Brazen Irish Hussy,
Thanks for your input.