I Really Could Use Your Advice!!

[SleepyJean98]

Hi everyone i''m new to pricescope but i could really use your help. My boyfriend and i have been together for a little over 8 months now. He has completely blown me away and i absolutely adore him. Sometimes i really have to wonder about his passed though. He is kind of secretive about things before me and i am so open and honest with him! It can be frustrating. He has met my family and they all think he is great. We were dating 3 months before i even knew he had siblings!!! I don''t think it is a deal breaker, but it does really hurt me that he won''t be open with me and share things. That is part of what intamacy is, right? We have been talking about getting engaged. I really want to but i think we need to be together a little bit longer. I was in a relationship for 4 years that ended pretty badly. We were engaged and then I found out he was a cheater. I just dont need to jump into anything so super quick. I love him so much and i don''t want to hurt him. He gets super upset when i tell him we should wait a bit. If he''s been drinking he wants to talk about it non stop. And while he isn''t an alcoholic i do think he drinks a little more than he should sometimes. I want to figure that out before we move in together. I also can''t decide if i wanna live with him at the end of the summer or not. My lease is up in august and i live with a really good friend of mine. She doesn''t want me to move out and i don''t know if i''m ready to etiher. She was so good to me when i went through the bad breakup last year and i just love living with her. I''d be willing to wait to live together til we were engaged, but he is getting antsy. Why is it such a big deal for us to live together? I''d like to work out the kinks and stuff before we move into a place together. Why is that wrong??

 

[sonnyjane]

I feel like this is a two-parter.

The first part about moving in together is this - I would never move in together unless I were positive. I wouldn''t let him pressure you into it if you aren''t ready, and he shouldn''t want to pressure you either if he''s the right guy, know what I mean? I do think that the alcohol issue is a big one. Have you voiced your concerns? That''s something I would definitely explore before living together.

The second part of your question is the secretive part, and I''ll actually come at this from a different angle. I was an absolute WILD CHILD in college. Wild. I mean, I could never run for public office because of the things I did in college, that''s for sure. My husband is FAR more conservative. He knows, essentially, what he needs to know, but I have never disclosed those things to him, nor do I ever want to. If he ever asks, I will not lie, but I don''t think he has to know about my past necessarily. I think that girls have a tendency to want to know EVERYTHING, and then, upon learning it, wish we were oblivious. I have never asked my husband a question that I would not, in turn, want to answer (i.e. How many women have you been with, or other questions of that nature). If you ask him questions and he avoids them, that''s one thing, but if he just isn''t volunteering the information, it''s not necessarily a red flag, in my opinion.

 

[RaiKai]

It is not wrong at all to want to wait before moving in or getting engaged. Indeed from what you described it sounds like the mature choice.

Something is amiss...and your gut is telling you so. Don''t ignore that feeling.

Sounds to me your concerns are more than valid - secrecy or lack of open communication, concerns about his drinking, etc.

To me there is no benefit in going forward with someone you cannot even have open communication with...and definitely not if you feel there may be issues with alcohol...no matter how flattering it may be to hear how much he desires you there is more to a healthy relationship than that.

He is pushing for more and yet you barely know him (due to the secrecy). I would be asking myself "why?".

No...something is off.
I think you already know that.

 

[SleepyJean98]

He''s not an alcoholic he doesn''t drink way too much. He just has like two glasses of scotch every night and then goes out two nights a week or so.

 

[sonnyjane]

Date: 4/7/2010 11:02:54 PM
Author: SleepyJean98
He''s not an alcoholic he doesn''t drink way too much. He just has like two glasses of scotch every night and then goes out two nights a week or so.

Can I ask his age?

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 4/7/2010 10:47:09 PM
Author: sonnyjane
I feel like this is a two-parter.



The first part about moving in together is this - I would never move in together unless I were positive. I wouldn''t let him pressure you into it if you aren''t ready, and he shouldn''t want to pressure you either if he''s the right guy, know what I mean? I do think that the alcohol issue is a big one. Have you voiced your concerns? That''s something I would definitely explore before living together.



The second part of your question is the secretive part, and I''ll actually come at this from a different angle. I was an absolute WILD CHILD in college. Wild. I mean, I could never run for public office because of the things I did in college, that''s for sure. My husband is FAR more conservative. He knows, essentially, what he needs to know, but I have never disclosed those things to him, nor do I ever want to. If he ever asks, I will not lie, but I don''t think he has to know about my past necessarily. I think that girls have a tendency to want to know EVERYTHING, and then, upon learning it, wish we were oblivious. I have never asked my husband a question that I would not, in turn, want to answer (i.e. How many women have you been with, or other questions of that nature). If you ask him questions and he avoids them, that''s one thing, but if he just isn''t volunteering the information, it''s not necessarily a red flag, in my opinion.

These are good points..and it all depends what works for you. I would not feel comfortable marrying someone where there was not a complete openess about each other including past skeletons... And my DH is same.

It was not always easy for DH and I to discuss the nitty gritty but for us it was important. Believe me...my past is not squeaky clean, neither is his but mine is definitely more wild...and for me it is important someone accepts me as a whole knowing that past.

I do recognize this does not work for everyone, however, for me the other way does not (and has not) worked as it always felt as if there was a block in really *knowing* one another warts and all and accepting that. I lived common law with someone more than 4.5 years and never had the closeness I had with my DH only months into dating.

I am just saying it is not wrong or impossible to find a relationship where you do openly talk about these things either if that is important to you.

And however wild someone has been in past...it is odd not to know they even have siblings until 3 months in in my opinion!

 

[SleepyJean98]

Date: 4/7/2010 11:09:30 PM
Author: sonnyjane

Date: 4/7/2010 11:02:54 PM

Author: SleepyJean98

He''s not an alcoholic he doesn''t drink way too much. He just has like two glasses of scotch every night and then goes out two nights a week or so.

Can I ask his age?

He is 32 and I am 28.

 

[lovely-loo]

Hi SleepyJean

It''s my first time posing here. I felt compelled to reply to this because I have been through something very similar. I don''t know your man, and I don''t want to pass judgement... but from what you write, I agree that there is reason for concern.

My ex met my family very early on, and was very well accepted at first. He often spoke of how committed he was, and I was so eager for someone to care that way for me that I didn''t realize it was way too much too fast. He wasn''t an alcoholic, but would get pretty drunk on a regular basis... and when he would he would get very emotional. He wanted us to live together right away. If I said I needed time apart from him, or time to think, he would give me such a rough time about it that I''d eventually cave in and stay... He stole thousands of dollars from me, lied to me countless times, and forced me to do things I never wanted to do. After three years of emotional abuse, I left. I was completely drained, and slowly was able to piece myself back together.

This is what I went through. I didn''t realize how starved for love I was...

I am not saying this is the case for you, or that this is in store for you. I just wish I had paid attention to my gut feeling... Something felt off, I didn''t feel like I really knew very much about him, things were going too fast... there were warning signs I ignored, and that led to an abusive situation. So if you feel something is off, if you don''t feel comfortable moving in with him without resolving certain things, take all the time you need. Communicate openly with him about what you aren''t comfortable with. How he communicates back to you will tell you a lot about his true character.

I sincerely hope that things work out for you. Let me know!

 

[sonnyjane]

Date: 4/7/2010 11:13:42 PM
Author: SleepyJean98

Date: 4/7/2010 11:09:30 PM

Author: sonnyjane

Date: 4/7/2010 11:02:54 PM


Author: SleepyJean98


He''s not an alcoholic he doesn''t drink way too much. He just has like two glasses of scotch every night and then goes out two nights a week or so.

Can I ask his age?

He is 32 and I am 28.

Hmm. Would you say he drinks to glasses of scotch every single night and then goes out two times a week and drinks more than that? If not an alcoholic, that is at least certainly more than the healthy recommendation for your liver! My DH will come home and have a beer or two with dinner, but it is maybe a night or two a week... That does seem like a lot for a 32 year old. If he were 22, I was going to say it''s a "phase"...

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 4/7/2010 11:13:42 PM
Author: SleepyJean98

Date: 4/7/2010 11:09:30 PM

Author: sonnyjane

Date: 4/7/2010 11:02:54 PM



Author: SleepyJean98



He''s not an alcoholic he doesn''t drink way too much. He just has like two glasses of scotch every night and then goes out two nights a week or so.

Can I ask his age?

He is 32 and I am 28.

It is more about his relationshio to alcohol than how much he drinks. There are plenty of "functioning alcoholics" out there who are dependent on it even if they do not drink a lot. They still have good jobs, families and so on but there IS an effect caused by alcohol.

I cannot of course tell you how he views alcohol or his relationship to it.

 

[sonnyjane]

Date: 4/7/2010 11:10:03 PM
Author: RaiKai




And however wild someone has been in past...it is odd not to know they even have siblings until 3 months in in my opinion!

Oh, with that part, I completely agree. Not knowing about siblings for 3 months seems odd. When I said I don't disclose things to my husband, I meant that I don't think he needs to know that I kissed a bartender at Mardi Gras with no shirt on in exchange for a souvenir tank top, or that my nickname in college was "the makeout bandit" (those are the TAMEST of my exploits), lol. He knows I have exes and other relationships, etc., but some details are just torrid and unnecessary lol.

 

[SleepyJean98]

I think he was raised by his grandma but i dont know why. When i asked he got kind of defencive.

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 4/7/2010 11:22:41 PM
Author: sonnyjane

Date: 4/7/2010 11:10:03 PM

Author: RaiKai









And however wild someone has been in past...it is odd not to know they even have siblings until 3 months in in my opinion!

Oh, with that part, I completely agree. Not knowing about siblings for 3 months seems odd. When I said I don''t disclose things to my husband, I meant that I don''t think he needs to know that I kissed a bartender at Mardi Gras with no shirt on in exchange for a souvenir tank top, or that my nickname in college was ''the makeout bandit'' (those are the TAMEST of my exploits), lol. He knows I have exes and other relationships, etc., but some details are just torrid and unnecessary lol.

Makeout bandit...ha ha!
Fair enough!

 

[FrekeChild]

It seems like you've got some completely legitimate concerns. Have you met his sibling? And what DO you know about his past? Is he intentionally secretive or just evasive?

ETA: Welcome to PS!

 

[SleepyJean98]

Date: 4/7/2010 11:36:32 PM
Author: FrekeChild
It seems like you''ve got some completely legitimate concerns. Have you met his sibling? And what DO you know about his past? Is he intentionally secretive or just evasive?


ETA: Welcome to PS!

No i have not met any member of his family. I have met a group of his friends but none of them are from where he grew up. I know he moved out here about 6 years ago for work. He doesnt talk much about people from where he was raised or friends back there. He has a younger sister that lives across the country. I havent met her but i have heard a few stories about her not many though. I think maybe something happend or maybe he just doesnt like to focus on the passed. Anytiem i ask questions he gets more mysterious and says that "it shouldn''t matter, that was a long time ago". at first it was kind of intreeging, but after this many months together and with us getting very serious i think i deserve to know, you know?

 

[SAPHIRINA]

Here are my observations. From what you wrote, it seems to me that moving in together at this point is too soon. I would never move in with a man, unless I was absolutely sure that it''s the right step to take. I made a mistake of moving in together before I was ready in the past; it did not end well.

As far as him being secretive, it''s not necessarily a problem at this point, though it clearly shows that HE is not ready to take that next step in your relationship as well. Some people take longer to open up, especially if they had traumatic experience(s) growing up. Eight months is not eight years, so he may need some time to get the courage to relive them again by telling you. Alternatively, he''s may be a secretive person who doesn''t like to share certain aspects of his life with his partner. In this case, he may never tell you about his past. Is this something you can live with?

There are certain events from my childhood that I didn''t yet share with my fiancé. These are not important to our relationship, they are simply bad memories that I don''t wish to retell just yet. When we talked about our childhoods, I did mention that I don''t want to revisit some memories now, but that I will tell him eventually. He also has his share of sad stories; some of them he told me, some of them he didn''t. We both don''t think we are being secretive. Did your boyfriend ever explain why he doesn''t want to talk about his past?

His drinking may be an issue. You mentioned that if he''s been drinking, he wants to talk about certain things non-stop. Obviously, the amount he drinks has an effect on him and changes his behavior. Do you like this change? If he drinks every single day, are you willing to deal with these changes on an everyday basis? When I get tipsy, I begin to talk a lot and laugh at everything, even if it''s not funny. I don''t think my fiancé would like it if I did this every single evening for the rest of our lives. Sure, it''s fun every once in a while, but *every* night? No way.

Figure out the things that bother you before you move in with him. If he is a good man, he should be willing to wait until you both sort this out and are 100% ready for the next step.

 

[Prana]

In regards to his evasiveness, so to speak, this could simply be due to a bad past that he does not care to share. Hopefully, this is all that it really is.

However, hings that you are describing are the typical RED FLAGS of a person with controlling tendencies---latching on right away, adamant about moving in together, putting on his best face to meet the family, not letting you know anything about his family or his past and.....the drinking....which brings me to....

You say that he is not an alcoholic. That may very well be the case, but WOW he drinks A LOT! 2 scotch''s a night? Plus social drinking 2+ times a week? That would be considered a lot by most people.

You said it yourself, something doesn''t feel right in your gut, and you need to heed that warning. 8 monthis is not a long time, as you know because you were in a 4 year relationship prior. 8 months is plenty of time for some people, but that doesn''t seem like the case here. I wouldn''t move in with him right now, I would just ride out the relationship as is (no engagement, no moving in together), and see what happens to his behavior..it might stay the same, or you might be introduced to a whole new person.

Good luck!

And welcome to pricescope!

 

[monarch64]

You know, SleepyJean, if I were you I''d either hire a private investigator and get information on his past or I''d run far and run fast.

You''re 28, he''s 32, of course you both have pasts. What you''ve done with your free time and who you''ve dated are not necessarily things you always need to share intimate details about with your partner. On the other hand, family and friends, past experiences, jobs, etc. ARE THINGS THAT NEED TO BE DIVULGED. I''m sorry, how do you know he doesn''t have 6 illegitimate children running around all over the country?

I drove my SO absolutely insane when I met him with questions, I researched him thoroughly (he isn''t from here), I got a friend of mine who is a lawyer involved, you name it. I''m 32, recently divorced, and I was not about to go through any more craziness because someone failed to share certain details about themselves with me. Call me paranoid, I don''t care. Life''s too short. My SO was not happy about it, understandably, but he was never what I would call evasive or secretive, or totally unwilling to share his past with me. Some things happened in his life that were very hurtful and he doesn''t like to talk about them, but that''s different than refusing to talk about them.

Something else bothers me about your post. You say he drinks 2 scotches a night and actually parties/goes out twice a week. If you don''t live with him, how SURE are you that that is REALLY how much he drinks? Is he telling you that he has 2 scotches and then you guys go out together on the weekends? If there is even a tiny concern on your part that he drinks more than you''re comfortable with you need to pay very close attention to that feeling. Your gut is warning you.

He shouldn''t be getting super upset when you tell him you would like to take things a bit slower. That is not healthy relationship behavior, it''s manipulative. If he can''t be patient and let things take their course there is something wrong with him and he''s trying to lock you down before you find out the bad stuff, my dear.

Best of luck to you, SJ.

 

[PumpkinPie]

I agree that there are a lot of red flags in this situation.

I agree with the other posters that moving in together at this point would be a poor idea - and obviously you know that. I don''t like how he is pressuring you/manipulating you to try to convince you to move in together. I urge you to stick to your guns on this decision!

The secrecy is unusual as well - not everyone needs to divulge everything in their past to their SO - there are things my husband doesn''t know about me and that''s ok.. but he flew 5000km with me to meet my family when we had only been dating for 5 months. If his family lives far away, it''s possibly reasonable that you haven''t met them yet - but to know even be sure who he was raised by (parents vs. grandmother) or anything about his past seems quite unusual..

Also - the drinking. While he may not be an alcoholic, a pattern of drinking at least two measures of hard liquer per night is certainly concerning. While the amount is still considered moderate consumption, the fact that he does it every single evening seems excessive.

 

[RaiKai]

Date: 4/7/2010 11:51:00 PM
Author: SleepyJean98

Date: 4/7/2010 11:36:32 PM

Author: FrekeChild

It seems like you've got some completely legitimate concerns. Have you met his sibling? And what DO you know about his past? Is he intentionally secretive or just evasive?



ETA: Welcome to PS!

No i have not met any member of his family. I have met a group of his friends but none of them are from where he grew up. I know he moved out here about 6 years ago for work. He doesnt talk much about people from where he was raised or friends back there. He has a younger sister that lives across the country. I havent met her but i have heard a few stories about her not many though. I think maybe something happend or maybe he just doesnt like to focus on the passed. Anytiem i ask questions he gets more mysterious and says that 'it shouldn't matter, that was a long time ago'. at first it was kind of intreeging, but after this many months together and with us getting very serious i think i deserve to know, you know?

Not to beat a dead horse, but, my radar is bleeping like mad on this one.

Who he is - where he comes from - DOES matter. When you have a serious relationship with someone, who they are is born by where they come from too - whether they handled their past well or not! While I do understand, that despite my own relationship preferences, it does not work for everyone to share all the intimate details....gosh, you don't even know who raised him! Even if his childhood was a miserable experience, at least telling you so would be a start. You are not his therapist (he may need one if his past is that traumatic though!) but you are supposedly his intimate partner and if you can't even know who he IS, what sort of relationship do you have, or will you have, down the road? And until he is ready to at least share SOME of the details of his life with you, he is not ready to move in or move forward either.

I think his response when you ask questions is dismissive and shady. I think something is very OFF and not mysterious in a good way. And, I don't think that this necessarily gestures to something very bad, but I don't think it points to something very good either. The fact he is adding pressure to move in to me is very, very concerning.

I also agree that 2 scotches a night (that he tells you about) and going out drinking 2x a night signals a dependency of some sort, that I mentioned earlier. Not all alcoholics are passed out on the floor all day or binge drink. It is more about his relationship to the alcohol (and dependency on it) than how much or how little he drinks.

 

[treefrog]

Date: 4/8/2010 10:46:08 AM
Author: monarch64
You know, SleepyJean, if I were you I'd either hire a private investigator and get information on his past or I'd run far and run fast.

You're 28, he's 32, of course you both have pasts. What you've done with your free time and who you've dated are not necessarily things you always need to share intimate details about with your partner. On the other hand, family and friends, past experiences, jobs, etc. ARE THINGS THAT NEED TO BE DIVULGED. I'm sorry, how do you know he doesn't have 6 illegitimate children running around all over the country?

I drove my SO absolutely insane when I met him with questions, I researched him thoroughly (he isn't from here), I got a friend of mine who is a lawyer involved, you name it. I'm 32, recently divorced, and I was not about to go through any more craziness because someone failed to share certain details about themselves with me. Call me paranoid, I don't care. Life's too short. My SO was not happy about it, understandably, but he was never what I would call evasive or secretive, or totally unwilling to share his past with me. Some things happened in his life that were very hurtful and he doesn't like to talk about them, but that's different than refusing to talk about them.

Something else bothers me about your post. You say he drinks 2 scotches a night and actually parties/goes out twice a week. If you don't live with him, how SURE are you that that is REALLY how much he drinks? Is he telling you that he has 2 scotches and then you guys go out together on the weekends? If there is even a tiny concern on your part that he drinks more than you're comfortable with you need to pay very close attention to that feeling. Your gut is warning you.

He shouldn't be getting super upset when you tell him you would like to take things a bit slower. That is not healthy relationship behavior, it's manipulative. If he can't be patient and let things take their course there is something wrong with him and he's trying to lock you down before you find out the bad stuff, my dear.

Best of luck to you, SJ.

I agree with every word of Monarch's post... and most of the other replies. That's a lot of red flags... big red flags. 8 months of dating in an open relationship is one thing but in this particular case, it is not even remotely close to long enough. 3 months for you to find out he has siblings... as in brothers and/or sisters, right?

 

[monarch64]

Treefrog, thanks for ditto''ing. I appreciate that you offer a guy''s POV here, I think it''s very helpful.

SleepyJean, I always wanted to ask you exactly what DO you know about this guy? Do you have a clear sense of his financial picture? I''m talking about possible past bankruptcies, credit card debt, current issues, etc. Does he have children? Ex-wives? Has he done jail time? Is only alcohol involved or is there drug use as well? If you are considering living with him you need to know those things. It is not an invasion of someone''s privacy. If you''re going to set up house together and do things that married adults do, you need to be privy to such personal information. And if you don''t know it going in, and if he makes a stink about you asking anything, there''s your cue to get the heck away from him.

Now, if you get to talking and he tells you things, you check them out and everything is on the up-and-up, then cheers! Your next move would then be to figure out what your communication issues are and how those can be resolved. You will also need to deal with the drinking and whatever other issues arise.

This sounds like a ton of work. You''re happy living where you are now with your good friend. Why not continue to be happy there with her and think about continuing to meet people until you find one with a bit less going on in the drama department?

 

[Lilac]

Date: 4/8/2010 12:23:37 PM
Author: monarch64
Treefrog, thanks for ditto''ing. I appreciate that you offer a guy''s POV here, I think it''s very helpful.

SleepyJean, I always wanted to ask you exactly what DO you know about this guy? Do you have a clear sense of his financial picture? I''m talking about possible past bankruptcies, credit card debt, current issues, etc. Does he have children? Ex-wives? Has he done jail time? Is only alcohol involved or is there drug use as well? If you are considering living with him you need to know those things. It is not an invasion of someone''s privacy. If you''re going to set up house together and do things that married adults do, you need to be privy to such personal information. And if you don''t know it going in, and if he makes a stink about you asking anything, there''s your cue to get the heck away from him.

Now, if you get to talking and he tells you things, you check them out and everything is on the up-and-up, then cheers! Your next move would then be to figure out what your communication issues are and how those can be resolved. You will also need to deal with the drinking and whatever other issues arise.

This sounds like a ton of work. You''re happy living where you are now with your good friend. Why not continue to be happy there with her and think about continuing to meet people until you find one with a bit less going on in the drama department?

Totally agree with Monarch (both posts). Something is very shady about this situation. In a serious relationship there should be open communication - some people are obviously better at communication than others, but BASIC things about whether or not someone has siblings, who raised them, where they are from, etc. are things I would normally expect to be discussed openly pretty early on in a relationship. The fact that he has gone so long without offering this information to you and the fact that he *refuses* to talk about any of it suggests that he is hiding something. Actually, it sounds like he is hiding a *lot*.

I wouldn''t move in with him and I certainly wouldn''t get engaged until you figure out what he is hiding and why. Something is definitely "off" here. I would also try and figure out what exactly his relationship is with alcohol because to me the amount he drinks sounds excessive (and probably is if it bothers you enough to mention it here). He shouldn''t be pressuring you to rush into anything particularly when there are still so many issues to work out.

 

[treefrog]

Date: 4/8/2010 12:23:37 PM
Author: monarch64
Treefrog, thanks for ditto''ing. I appreciate that you offer a guy''s POV here, I think it''s very helpful.

I didn''t offer much of a point of view! I just liked yours. I just have a sense that there is more to this story... a lot more.

Even if something horrible happened to him in the past, I would think some mention of it would be/should be mentioned. "Listen, SleepyJean98... something happened in my past. My mother made me eat Jell-O with peas mixed into it as a child.

I feel ashamed about it and don''t like to talk about it. That''s why I''m not close with my family any more."

His failure to discuss much of his past suggests to me there is something worth hiding. I see a huge potential for an alcohol problem as well.

I don''t think anybody needs to divulge every detail of their past but the big things need to be brought up. How can you ever feel you know him if you don''t know anything whatsoever about his life from age 0 - 26?

You have enough concern to question the situation and that too tells me a lot. You feel something just doesn''t make sense. If he isn''t open, how can you ever get over this concern?

"He has completely blown away... family thinks he is great..." Really great things... but it still just doesn''t add up.

Treefrog

 

[luckynumber]

sorry, i would like to answer your post, but all the BLOOD RED SIZE-OF-CHINA FLAGS are getting in the way......

 

[junebug17]

I'm in a mood to be honest today, but I'll make my comments short since there has already been good advice given. I would not move in or get engaged until you know a decent amount about his past. I'm not saying you have to know every single detail, but you should know his basic life story by this point. You know nothing about this man. Sounds like he's hiding something. And I think he drinks too much.

 

[SleepyJean98]

I am at work right now but i will try to respond tonite. Thanks to everyone for everything so far, its very helpfull.

 

[Nomsdeplume]

Date: 4/8/2010 1:50:57 PM
Author: luckynumber
sorry, i would like to answer your post, but all the BLOOD RED SIZE-OF-CHINA FLAGS are getting in the way......

Ditto ditto ditto
Alarm bells!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Red flags! Big signals!
Love is blind...
From your post I can tell that you are seeing all the signs but you are ignoring them to a large extent. Stop defending him (even in your mind. We all do it) and listen to what these ladies are telling you.
They helped me dodge a bullet with my last relationship. It took actually getting out of the cycle for me to truly see that.
I'm quite worried for you. You sound like a great girl who deserves a great guy. Be cautious...
Good luck!!!!

 

[princesss]

My honest advice?

Run. Far and fast in the exact opposite direction of this guy.

Pressuring you to move in so quickly? Shady. Not telling you about his family? Shady. Defensiveness about your questions about his past? Shady.

Three strikes and you''re out, bud. Sorry.

(It''s a little extreme, I know, but based on what you posted here it''s what I''d tell my best friend. If he''s answering questions with things like, "I was raised by my grandmother, and it''s a long painful story that I''d rather not talk about," that''s one thing, but him being defensive makes me think he''s lying. And I don''t like liars.)

 

[HappyNewLife]

I totally agree that you shouldn''t live with someone you barely know. Especially since you barely know him by his own doing. That said, I woudn''t take it as a reason to leave him necessarily. And since you''re happy where you live and want to take more time to really get to know him before moving in together anyway (and it hasn''t been that long), it seems like the timing works perfectly.

My SO is also very secretive. She has reason to be. She had a difficult childhood and has been screwed over numerous times in her life. She doesn''t trust people quickly and I know at the 8 month point in our relationship there were still a lot of things I didn''t know about her. She didn''t even tell me her AGE until we were together for 5 months!! I knew without a doubt that she is an amazing person and guards things tightly until she feels she can trust someone. I didn''t have any red flags going off about her, because I knew she would eventually let me in. And she has, but it took time. I feel she is 10000% worth the energy and patience and time and trust put into the relationship. If you feel the same way about your BF, then go with it. But if you have doubts and uncertainties and even niggling concerns, explore why that is and communicate with him about how his secrecy makes you feel.

As for the pressure to move in together-- tell him how you feel and why. He should understand. It seems rather obvious and basic that people who barely know one another should not live together-- he should get that.

As for the drinking-- talk to him about it. Tell him your concerns and listen to what he says. If it''s not a problem, he shouldn''t get defensive, right? I agree with the other posters that it seems like a lot since it''s every day and it''s not like he''s having a glass of wine with dinner.

Good luck, I really hope whatever happens makes you happy