I need some help choosing a wedding gift for my fella (and with the wedding gift ''issue'' in genera

[bem3231]

Hi everyone -

(this is a cross-post from BWW)...

So, I broached the topic of wedding gifts with my FI a couple of weeks ago. Every single one of my friends exchanged gifts with their partner on their wedding day, but my guy is really not ''gift oriented'', and said that he had never heard of this, but would exchange gifts if I wanted to. I was thinking of a DBTY bracelet or 16" chain for myself (believe me, unless I specifically suggest something to him, it won''t happen).

I have two issues - now this whole ''gift exchange'' thing is starting to feel rather contrived to me. It bothers me that my FI is not more ''into'' gift giving, but I''m not sure that that''s going to change at this point. I really enjoy choosing and giving gifts to people, and it''s not the actual item that is significant to me, but the effort and desire to find something that someone is bound to like and be touched by. My FI had never just bought me a gift without it having been chosen by one of my friends or else his mother. The cost is not an issue. I have a tendency to read this as ''he can''t be bothered to think of anything that might please me'', although deep down I don''t think that this is the case - I think that his brain is just not wired for gift giving.

OK, I''m rambling - back to the issue at hand. I''m trying to figure out if I would be disappointed if we didn''t exchange gifts on our wedding day. As I said, it''s starting to feel a little contrived to me. That said, if we do exchange gifts, I find myself surprisingly at a loss as to what to get him...

I''ve gotten him many thoughtful gifts over the course of our relationship - some of them quite significant. He''s not into jewelry and leads quite a minimalist life. He turned 40 this year and I commissioned a beautiful carving for him out of some stone from a quarry that one of his companies owns. He loved it.

His hobbies are mineral exploration and helicopters, which don''t lend themselves well to a wedding gift (unless I wish to get him a helicopter turbine or some mining equipment). He would like a nice watch, but we had planned to purchase his and hers watches with some of the cash that we get as wedding gifts, and the watch that he''d like is out of my price range to purchase solo. I was thinking around $1000.

I realize that I''ve raised several issues here, but am wondering if anyone has any feedback that might help me?

Thanks, and have a great day!

 

[neatfreak]

I think thoughtful gifts on the wedding day are wonderful. I think gifts given on the wedding day because you are forced to/society tell you to are not so wonderful. We didn't do it, and I don't regret it a bit.

A friend of mine told me to tell her man that in no uncertain terms he was to buy her a nice gift and write her a romantic note for their wedding day (and a VERY short list of what she wants). How romantic/nice is that REALLY? Says nothing about his feelings/desires to give her a thoughtful gift, only about her desire to RECEIVE gifts.

If it is done out of love and both bride and groom want to, I think it can be a wonderful sentiment. If one is being forced I think it feels just that, forced. But that is just my opinion.

ETA: And I wouldn't feel bad that your FI doesn't want to, many men just don't get the "have to give gifts" thing. I highly doubt it is a reflection of you or your relationship!

 

[bem3231]

Thanks, neatfreak - I agree. Someone on BWW suggested exchanging letters instead of gifts, which I think is a lovely compromise. I may suggest this.

Thanks again!

 

[neatfreak]

Date: 7/6/2008 5:08:23 PM
Author: bem3231
Thanks, neatfreak - I agree. Someone on BWW suggested exchanging letters instead of gifts, which I think is a lovely compromise. I may suggest this.


Thanks again!

That is a wonderful compromise! Love it!

 

[canuk-gal]

HI:

I can understand the sentiment that giving a gift feels a bit contrived-- giving for the sake of it, seems like just getting "more" stuff. I gave a gift to my DH on our wedding day and received nothing--and I never gave it a second thought. Although my DH provides me with everything I could ever want, he, "buys" me very little. It is just the way it is, and it is not objectionable to me.

Funny you should mention the letter exchange--because with the wedding gift I gave I also wrote a letter; and although my DH still wears the gift of jewellery I gave, it is the words from the letter that he on occasion repeats to me (I am astonished he remembers) that makes him very sentimental. I think words, sincerely written, resonates long after the gift is given (or gone).

You''ll find what works for you.

cheers--Sharon

 

[MaryAlaina]

You are already giving each other wedding rings on your wedding day. That seems like a pretty good gift to me.

I love the idea of writing each other a special letter for the occasion though. But if someone is not into it, I agree that "forcing" them really takes any meaning out of it.

 

[ephemery1]

I totally agree there is no need to give each other "stuff" as a wedding gift, unless you both have specific items you really want. I do think it''s a little contrived... and just one more thing to stress out about needlessly.

DH and I didn''t plan ahead of time to exchange gifts, but I read on here about somebody (I''m sorry I forget who!) who gave their DH 3 bottles of wine... one that peaked in 1 year, one that peaked in 5 years, and one that peaked in 10 years, to drink on each corresponding anniversary. I thought that was really sweet and meaningful, so I ordered them online and it worked out great. And for me, DH arranged to have a gorgeous display of chocolate-covered strawberries and expensive champagne (since I LOVE champagne) waiting for my bridesmaids and I on the morning of the wedding, when we got back from our hair appts, to have while we were getting ready. Very sweet and thoughtful and more appreciated than any gift he would have gotten me out of "obligation".

 

[bem3231]

Date: 7/6/2008 9:06:01 PM
Author: ephemery1
DH and I didn''t plan ahead of time to exchange gifts, but I read on here about somebody (I''m sorry I forget who!) who gave their DH 3 bottles of wine... one that peaked in 1 year, one that peaked in 5 years, and one that peaked in 10 years, to drink on each corresponding anniversary. I thought that was really sweet and meaningful, so I ordered them online and it worked out great.

I love this idea!! When you say that you ordered them online ephemery, do you mean that there is a website that specializes in this, or did you just do your own research?

 

[ephemery1]

Date: 7/6/2008 11:04:06 PM
Author: bem3231

Date: 7/6/2008 9:06:01 PM
Author: ephemery1
DH and I didn''t plan ahead of time to exchange gifts, but I read on here about somebody (I''m sorry I forget who!) who gave their DH 3 bottles of wine... one that peaked in 1 year, one that peaked in 5 years, and one that peaked in 10 years, to drink on each corresponding anniversary. I thought that was really sweet and meaningful, so I ordered them online and it worked out great.

I love this idea!! When you say that you ordered them online ephemery, do you mean that there is a website that specializes in this, or did you just do your own research?

Isn''t it a fun idea?? I really wish I could remember who thought it up originally... maybe she''ll come on here and post! I ordered the wine from an online wine distributor... Saratoga Wines or something like that? Their shipping was fast and communication was great, and I think (if I remember correctly) they had descriptions for each bottle that clarified what years it would be best, which is how I estimated which bottles would peak when. So not too extensive of research... I was too pre-occupied with the wedding at that point! I didn''t get anything super expensive, either... just stuck to the $40-50 range, I think.

 

[Bev]

Although I think it is a wonderful idea to exchange gifts on your wedding day, I also do not think you two will be at a loss if you don''t. I think that exchanging letters is a great idea...and very thoughtful, too. It will be nice to keep those letters and put them in an album one day, or something. I do understand that you would like your FI to choose his own wedding gift for you, instead of someone else (or you) suggesting what gift to give, but like you said...he may just not be that type of person to do that. With that said, wedding planning alone is stressful enough - perhaps talk to him and come up with something special that both you and him will be into. All that matters is that it is special to you guys. Good luck!

 

[LaurenThePartier]

My husband and I didn''t exchange gifts on our wedding day - with the wedding and everything else, we just flat run out of time to get something for each other.
I don''t regret it at all, because hubby felt guilty about it, as did I, and we both splurged on our 1st anniversary gifts to each other.

 

[partgypsy]

Is this a (relatively) new thing? I got married around 10 years ago, don''t remember people doing this

. I like the idea of letters, something that can be shared years later. Do what feels comfortable for both of you. Personally there is so much stuff going on for a wedding (showers, wedding vows, exhange of the rings, celebration with friends and family, wedding gifts etc) tacking on yet an another symbolic gift seems rather superfluous...

My husband is not a big gift giver in the sense of buying things for particular holidays (he doesn''t like having to do something out of a sense of obligation), but does surprise me with romantic letters and gestures at random times. Don''t mistake your fiance''s propensity for gift giving for how much he loves and cares for you, there is a zero correlation, and in fact men who don''t go off buying expensive gifts all the time may have other good traits like being dependable, low upkeep, financial savers, etc.

Over time you can help your intended understand how much you welcome and appreciate those kinds of tokens of affection, but it''s not an overnight thing but something that evolves over time. And I''m sure the pricescoper regulars can give you a few tips as well

And Congratulations!

 

[babysteps]

Hi - just a thought from a long-married person -- we DID exchange wedding gifts and I do remember feeling like we ''ought'' to exchange, which bugged me. I personally love the idea of wine, also wondered that if you are already thinking watches, make those the wedding gifts to one another (post-honeymoon) and maybe let each other choose an engraved message for the back of the watch? Or, if you are feeling gift pressure on top of wedding planning pressures, maybe consider just ''gifting'' one another with a great 1st anniversary trip? (If you do want to exchange on the day, what about cuff links/tuxedo studs/something like that? Non-jewelry jewelry)

Separate issue, the DH who is not a gift-giver -- I have one of those. And it used to bug me early on, because I am a frequent and good ''gifter'', and I felt somehow neglected. But, he just shows love and care in very different ways than me - always has, always will. Your FH obviously adores you but like you said, he is probably just not wired for spontaneous gifting . . . but he will no doubt surprise you many times during the upcoming years

-- when these types of guys do give gifts they tend to be doozies!! Good luck with all your plans and just follow your heart on the gift issue. p.s. your gift of a carving is absolutely wonderful and thoughtful - what an item for him to cherish!

 

[bem3231]

Date: 7/7/2008 8:24:31 PM
Author: babysteps
Hi - just a thought from a long-married person -- we DID exchange wedding gifts and I do remember feeling like we ''ought'' to exchange, which bugged me. I personally love the idea of wine, also wondered that if you are already thinking watches, make those the wedding gifts to one another (post-honeymoon) and maybe let each other choose an engraved message for the back of the watch? Or, if you are feeling gift pressure on top of wedding planning pressures, maybe consider just ''gifting'' one another with a great 1st anniversary trip? (If you do want to exchange on the day, what about cuff links/tuxedo studs/something like that? Non-jewelry jewelry)


Separate issue, the DH who is not a gift-giver -- I have one of those. And it used to bug me early on, because I am a frequent and good ''gifter'', and I felt somehow neglected. But, he just shows love and care in very different ways than me - always has, always will. Your FH obviously adores you but like you said, he is probably just not wired for spontaneous gifting . . . but he will no doubt surprise you many times during the upcoming years

-- when these types of guys do give gifts they tend to be doozies!! Good luck with all your plans and just follow your heart on the gift issue. p.s. your gift of a carving is absolutely wonderful and thoughtful - what an item for him to cherish!

Thanks, Babysteps - your words spoke to me. You''re right - when he does give a gift, it''s a ''doozie''. He totally outdid himself (in my opinion) with my e-ring, and I''m sure that the surprises will continue over the years, as you''ve suggested!