I feel like I got sucker punched.

[sunnyd]

Date: 6/18/2010 2:22:38 PM
Author: eleguin
I think that there is a difference between not being emotionally ready for marriage and not being ready because one's 'ducks are not yet in a row.' In the first instance, if he is not ready for the commitment of marriage, you really have to wait until he is, otherwise he is being forced into a life commitment that he isn't ready to make, which could cause bitterness and resentment in the future. However, if he is ready for this commitment mentally but just waiting for the right job, house, etc, perhaps there could be some compromise.

I agree with this. If he's not ready because the ducks are scattered, ask him why he feels like they need to be in a row before he can get married.That's what can be compromised, because you can't make someone be ready for marriage, either they are or they aren't. I mean if he ends up buying the ring but then holds on to it for months or years, he probably wasn't ready to buy it in the first place, yanno?

 

[Iowa Lizzy]

Sometimes I feel like all I ever do in LIW is recommend books.

After FI asked me to move in with him (when we were just bf/gf) I got the feeling he maybe was feeling the "why buy the cow" idea. I started reading the book "Why Men MARRY Bitches" and employed some of the ideas. It was hilarious to see some of the immediate reactions. One thought that is in the first chapters of the book that your SO needs to know is this: "I''m happy with you. But I could be just as happy without you." As soon as I implied that to FI, it was like he was thinking "WHAT?!?! Hells no, you won''t be as happy without me! Watch THIS! I''ll show you how much happier you can be with me!" And he kinda stepped up his game. To me, that book was kinda of a way to keep the "thrill of the chase" thing going that men just seem to eat up at the beginning.

In my defense, I picked up the wrong book and only meant to get "Why Men Love Bitches" but accidentally got the marriage version instead (what would Freud say?). I''m not saying men need to be tricked or given ultimatums, not by any means. But there''s something about gaining a little confidence and letting him know "you might not be ready for that next step, but I am. If you want to wait, I cannot give you any guarantees I will still be here." He needs to believe that, but more importantly, YOU need to believe that.

 

[lilyfoot]

Date: 6/18/2010 9:29:10 PM
Author: Travel Goddess
Sometimes I feel like all I ever do in LIW is recommend books.

After FI asked me to move in with him (when we were just bf/gf) I got the feeling he maybe was feeling the 'why buy the cow' idea. I started reading the book 'Why Men MARRY Bitches' and employed some of the ideas. It was hilarious to see some of the immediate reactions. One thought that is in the first chapters of the book that your SO needs to know is this: 'I'm happy with you. But I could be just as happy without you.' As soon as I implied that to FI, it was like he was thinking 'WHAT?!?! Hells no, you won't be as happy without me! Watch THIS! I'll show you how much happier you can be with me!' And he kinda stepped up his game. To me, that book was kinda of a way to keep the 'thrill of the chase' thing going that men just seem to eat up at the beginning.

In my defense, I picked up the wrong book and only meant to get 'Why Men Love Bitches' but accidentally got the marriage version instead (what would Freud say?). I'm not saying men need to be tricked or given ultimatums, not by any means. But there's something about gaining a little confidence and letting him know 'you might not be ready for that next step, but I am. If you want to wait, I cannot give you any guarantees I will still be here.' He needs to believe that, but more importantly, YOU need to believe that.

I completely agree. When my husband I first moved in (when we were dating), I made sure to have the "big" talk with him - where do you see this going, are we on the same page, etc.

Everything worked out great for us, we were engaged 6 months later, and married 4 months after that; I attribute our continuous success as a couple to our great communication. There is nothing I am scared to talk to him about, and I would hope everybody has that with their future/current life partner.

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 6/17/2010 5:06:12 PM
Author: swingirl
You''ve got a 25 year old boyfriend who lives with his girlfriend, shares the rent, has sex-- what''s not to love about the current situation? And why change anything? Why take on the responsibility of a wife and kids when things are going so well and are very convenient?

Why don''t you move out, live independently, take care of yourself and allow your BF to take care of himself, find his career and when he becomes a man and is ready for the responsibility of a family he will be ready for marriage. I don''t mean to be harsh but it''s more than being on different time lines. You are both young and if you have been living together for 2 years you moved in when you guys were barely adults.

Obviously some people ARE ready to get married at a very young age but those are folks who aren''t waiting around for the right moment, or right job, or right anything. All those milestones in life can be made with a ring on your finger and I for one think the right job, right house, right moment is wonderful to spare with a spouse. Your BF wants to find his ''right moments'' as a single guy.

This. ITA. Your BF should respect you as an autonomous, individual and strong willed person.

I''m marrying my FI on our 7th annivesary. We started dating at 20/21, will be getting married at 28. He has known he wanted to marry me pretty much since forever, but I wasn''t ready to even consider it until I was about 25. Literally. He proposed when I was 26, and about 6 months after I started going crazy about getting engaged. However, I always told him that I wouldn''t move for him, or move in with him without a ring. (we were LDR for 5 yrs, which was the best thing for us both) I''m not playing house, and if you want to live with me like husband and wife, you need to be ready to make that level of commitment. As an engaged couple, when he tried to tease me about pushing back our wedding date, I told him that was fine, and that I would move out as soon as our lease was up.

You are young. Be your own person. He is not controlling your life, you are. You can''t go wrong investing in yourself, and nurturing yourself. Either he will realize what he''s got, and propose, or he won''t. But you can be fully independent and living your life when he makes that decision, rather than waiting around and in suspense.

And, if you believe he is sincere, and you trust his intentions, then stop, take a deep breath, and start working on constructive ways to wait.

 

[VikingP77]

TRAVEL GODDESS....those books are like my bibles hehe! So much useful material

 

[beezygal]

speaking of books.... when I was frustrated before about my bf not ready for marriage after 5+ years of dating.. a friend told me about this book... "Act like a Lady, Think like a Man" by Steve Harvey. It is a very interesting book. I find things in it very true.