I feel like I got sucker punched.

[ohsoauthentic]

So I haven't posted in a while, but have been lurking around. I have no one to talk to about this at the moment, and I just really need to talk, vent, whatever you want to call it.

As I posted before, I've been with my boyfriend for almost 4 years, living together for 2. Whenever the subject of marriage would come up, he'd say he wasn't ready. Wants better job, feels too young, etc. I respect this, and I've accepted it. The only reason I would get somewhat frustrated is because he couldn't give a rough ballpark of a timeline (ie: maybe next year or something) so it made me panic that it had to do with me or something. I understand now that he just literally had no idea of even a ballpark. I accepted that and was doing quite well with not bringing it up and what not.

So. My best friend just had a baby, and we were looking at baby stuff the other day. Of course I was all gushy and even made a comment about us having one in a couple years. He said that sounded good. This kinda confused me, because it made no sense that he could talk about having kids in a couple years, but couldn't talk about marriage - even though we'd both agreed that we wanted to be married for a couple years before we start having kids. But I digress. Then he'd point out wedding stuff constantly, like literally pointing out a wedding if we drove by one, or in a movie. At one point we were watching a movie and he asked why I didn't comment on the girls wedding dress lol.

Silly me, all of this in combination with how great things have been going for us lately, started thinking maybe he could be ready soon. I know it was wishful thinking, but I was hoping maybe he would propose on our 4th anniversary in September, or if not then, sometime this year.

Well. Last night I had a little meltdown. Coworkers have been really getting to me lately (most of the time I can brush it off, but this girl was terrible). She asked why we weren't married after 4 years, or even engaged yet. The tone she used... ugh, just SO unbelievably judgemental. She basically insinuated that something is wrong with either me or the relationship because he hasn't proposed yet. Which I know there's nothing wrong with me, but it just hurts when a complete stranger is starting to voice the very things I've been thinking about.

So I just mentioned to him that I wasn't trying to get him to agree to anything, persuade him into anything, I was literally just trying to understand. I said it confused me how he could talk about having kids in 2 years no problem, but couldn't talk about us getting married. I said I actually meant that I'd love to have a baby in a couple years, not like 5. And he said oh, I think our timelines are off then. He said that he meant 3-4 years for kids, and 2-3 for marriage.

2-3 MORE YEARS.

My jaw dropped, because as I said, I was thinking like 1-2 years TOPS. I was thinking we'd be getting engaged maybe even this year. Plus at one point last year when we were discussing our readiness, he said "it's not like I'd be waiting 5 years or anything."

I know he never told me a timeline or anything, though we did say we'd love to be married by around 25/26 when we first started dating. Clearly that meant nothing. I know sometimes these things change, and don't go as planned... but still. I'm in such shock.

I just went to the bathroom and bawled my eyes out after that conversation. I'm happy he told me, but I just... wow. I don't even know what to say.

I stayed up late last night, just listening to music and trying to gather my thoughts. I couldn't stop crying, and I'm still crying even as I write this. I just feel so...heartbroken.

I'm sorry this is a downer post, I just needed to get it out. Thanks ladies.

 

[peonies]

I''m sorry : ( that sounds like a really rough night. Maybe after you have calmed down you could talk to him about how much it would mean to you to get engaged sooner and then you guys could have a long-ish engagement? That way you could have the sense of commitment and he could have his time. I truly hope things work out for both of you!

 

[VikingP77]

Oh honey that is terrible! So sorry!
2-3 years....come on what is the wait for?!
You know I''m sorry but this whole thing cannot just be on his timeline. I once read about couples comprimising and him getting married a bit sooner than he would want to and her getting married a bit later than she would want to.
He needs to meet you in the middle!
Keep us posted!

 

[ohsoauthentic]

Thank you. I might do that, I don't know... I'm honestly in such shock, that I can barely look at him. When we woke up this morning, he told me he loved me and I almost started crying again. It just hurts so much, especially since HE'S the one who brought up a few months ago that we're considered common law now, keeps pointing out all this wedding stuff, kids etc.

I think it needs to be one of those days off where I just sit and watch funny movies all day lol.

And Viking... that's what I keep thinking! Like I understand needing to feel ready. I totally do. I don't want him doing something he isn't ready for.

But we're also a team. I've been ready for over a year now. And he can't push back his timeline even just a year? I thought relationships were about compromise, no? Why is it all about him and when he's ready? I'm just supposed to sit and wait?

 

[monarch64]

Well you scared the crap out of him and he obviously threw some numbers out there to buy himself some time! I wouldn''t get too worked up over it, honestly. It probably just hit him like a ton of bricks that OMG! it takes like 10 months to make a kid + girl time is faster + I''m so not ready YET + she''s going to kill me if I don''t say something!!!!!!

He wants kids with you. He has his own timeline you didn''t quite know about, but I don''t think he knew he had one either. Now that you''ve got the wheels turning in his head I wouldn''t be surprised if he proposes much sooner than you think.

 

[damons]

I''m just throwing this out there...is there any chance that he just said that to throw you off? The only reason I ask is because I did that. I told my partner that I was hoping to be engaged in a year, but I had the ring already and was planning to propose in a few weeks.

I don''t want to falsely get your hopes up, but if he is pointing out wedding stuff, then it is obviuosly on him mind.

Also, it is completely inappropriate for your co-workers to comment on your relationship. They need to mind their business.

 

[princesss]

Date: 6/17/2010 3:08:18 PM
Author: VikingP77
Oh honey that is terrible! So sorry!
2-3 years....come on what is the wait for?!
You know I''m sorry but this whole thing cannot just be on his timeline. I once read about couples comprimising and him getting married a bit sooner than he would want to and her getting married a bit later than she would want to.
He needs to meet you in the middle!
Keep us posted!

I''m sorry, that has to be one of the worst ideas I''ve ever heard.

The person that doesn''t want to get married sets the timeline. Seriously. Usually it''s guys, but sometimes it''s women. Why on Earth would you push somebody into a serious, life-long commitment if they''re not ready for it? This is one area where I truly believe there should be absolutely NO compromise. Either wait for him to be ready or leave when you can''t take anymore. Seriously. Both are valid choices, but trying to force somebody before they''re ready is a divorce in the making. This is not about compromising because you want a sleek brown couch and he wants a recliner, or you want to go to the Bahamas and he would rather go to Alaska. This is life, and you shouldn''t have to compromise on something you''re truly not ready for. It''s like teenage boys guilting girls into sex - "Come on, I did x, y, or z for you and I wasn''t thrilled about it/was nervous about it/wouldn''t have done it if it wasn''t for you, why won''t you just do this for me?"

I feel for you, hun, I really do - it''s tough to realize that you''re not on the same page. And when it''s something you want badly, it feels like your world is going crazy. But you''ll be okay. If you''re not willing to wait, and this is something you really want but he won''t be able to give you, you can always leave. But if you truly want HIM, you''re going to have to wait.

 

[ohsoauthentic]

Date: 6/17/2010 3:43:01 PM
Author: monarch64
Well you scared the crap out of him and he obviously threw some numbers out there to buy himself some time! I wouldn''t get too worked up over it, honestly. It probably just hit him like a ton of bricks that OMG! it takes like 10 months to make a kid + girl time is faster + I''m so not ready YET + she''s going to kill me if I don''t say something!!!!!!


He wants kids with you. He has his own timeline you didn''t quite know about, but I don''t think he knew he had one either. Now that you''ve got the wheels turning in his head I wouldn''t be surprised if he proposes much sooner than you think.

I honestly don''t think I scared the crap out of him... we''ve had these talks plenty of times before in the last year or so, I probably may have scared him those times, because THOSE were the conversations he just kept saying he wasn''t ready and got upset.

This time however, he was calm and gave the number all on his own. I think I gave the wrong impression in my post, I didn''t point blank ask him when during this conversation. He told me all on his own that our timelines were off. When I said the kid thing, I said it very sweetly, not in a "we''re definitely having a child in 2 years" sort of way. It was in more of a "if we''re at the point in a couple years..."

He also said exactly what you said... the other times we talked about it, he didn''t know he had a timeline. But now thinking about it, that''s what he wants, to get married in 2-3 years. As I said, though I am shocked, I am still happy he told me. It''s nice to have an actual timeframe now rather than "I''m not ready and don''t know when I will be."

It would be nice if the wheels are turning now... and damons, don''t worry you didn''t get my hopes up, last night was a huge reality check. If by chance he is trying to throw me off, he''ll definitely have me surprised. I too wondered if it was on his mind, because he''s been pointing out so many things. I mean, my best friend''s getting married in August, but still... if it wasn''t on his mind, I wouldn''t think my best friend getting married should make a difference. He would avoid wedding talk at all costs lol. Like literally the other day, we drove by a wedding with the limo and everything and he pointed and yelled "hey look! a wedding!" haha I was like um... that''s nice? But thank you for the input from someone who''s been on the other side.

I also agree about my coworkers. As I said, normally I could care less, but this one was just the rudest I''ve ever had! Normally someone would ask, I''d answer and they''d drop it. She just took it a whole other level.


And princess, I definitely don''t want to force him into marrying me. At all. I love him, I know he''s the one I want to be with forever. I know if he did anything before he was ready, it would affect us in the long run and I don''t want that. Certainly do NOT want that. Deep down in my gut, I know we''ll get married, I don''t want to leave.

I''m basically just a big bundle of emotions right now due to the shock of the timeline thing, I think. The problem was I had a totally different idea in my head. Though I am hurting a bit, I''m still glad we had that conversation.

 

[jenmarie]

I know how it feels to want to get married and have a BF who isn''t rushed. I DON''T GET IT!! We''ve been together almost 5 years and just NOW he is really getting into getting engaged. It was hard leading up to now, so I understand how you feel. I think you need to cool off and tell him how you feel. Not accusatory, but just tell him that you''re ready to marry him now, not in 2-3 years. I''m curious about what that extra time is for. What kind of difference is he expecting over the next couple of years? More financial stability? If you already live together, what is the difference is you have rings on your fingers? You know what I mean?

I hate to say it, but it may just be his age. My bf turned 24 this year, and that was the point when he started thinking more about getting engaged. How old is your bf? Is he in a secure job? Job insecurity was a big part of our problem.

I wish you luck, and I hope you two can figure something out that''ll make you both happy!

 

[princesss]

You''re right - it''s better to know, but of course it was hard to hear. We can all relate to getting news that''s basically the exact opposite of what we want, and it''s heartbreaking. But it sounds like underneath the emotion of it, you''ve got a good head on your shoulders and a good perspective on this.

*hug*

 

[Clairitek]

Date: 6/17/2010 3:57:22 PM
Author: princesss

Date: 6/17/2010 3:08:18 PM
Author: VikingP77
Oh honey that is terrible! So sorry!
2-3 years....come on what is the wait for?!
You know I''m sorry but this whole thing cannot just be on his timeline. I once read about couples comprimising and him getting married a bit sooner than he would want to and her getting married a bit later than she would want to.
He needs to meet you in the middle!
Keep us posted!

I''m sorry, that has to be one of the worst ideas I''ve ever heard.

The person that doesn''t want to get married sets the timeline. Seriously. Usually it''s guys, but sometimes it''s women. Why on Earth would you push somebody into a serious, life-long commitment if they''re not ready for it? This is one area where I truly believe there should be absolutely NO compromise. Either wait for him to be ready or leave when you can''t take anymore. Seriously. Both are valid choices, but trying to force somebody before they''re ready is a divorce in the making. This is not about compromising because you want a sleek brown couch and he wants a recliner, or you want to go to the Bahamas and he would rather go to Alaska. This is life, and you shouldn''t have to compromise on something you''re truly not ready for. It''s like teenage boys guilting girls into sex - ''Come on, I did x, y, or z for you and I wasn''t thrilled about it/was nervous about it/wouldn''t have done it if it wasn''t for you, why won''t you just do this for me?''

I feel for you, hun, I really do - it''s tough to realize that you''re not on the same page. And when it''s something you want badly, it feels like your world is going crazy. But you''ll be okay. If you''re not willing to wait, and this is something you really want but he won''t be able to give you, you can always leave. But if you truly want HIM, you''re going to have to wait.

I''m sorry that you feel so blindsided by his timeline. If I were in your shoes, I would feel the same way.

I do have to agree with princesss here. Forcing someone into something they are not ready for is not a great idea under any circumstances. I''d hate for you to do something like viking suggested and then be wondering while you''re walking down the aisle if you forced your boyfriend into proposing before he was ready. The part I highlighted in princess''s post is great advice. I really feel like that is the mature thing to do.

 

[ohsoauthentic]

Thanks ladies *hugs* man you guys are quick to reply! (and thank you for the compliments, I try my best to stay level-headed lol)

To answer your questions... job security is a big factor. He wants to be more settled. I'm like you in that, I don't really understand WHY because we already live together, and I don't understand why he can't try and find a great job WHILE we're married. But that's okay. I don't really think I'll ever understand it, because clearly we have two different views on it. Point is, even though he technically DOES have a stable, full-time job right now, he isn't happy in it. And that's the biggest thing I think.

But then again, I've said to him flat out, what happens if (god forbid) it takes forever to find that dream job? Are we just never going to get married? We all know what the economy is like. He replied that if that were the case, obviously we'd get married. So I don't get it. I think it's a combination of him feeling too young (he's turning 25 in July) and being all tied up in the job thing. I've heard it's a common thing for guys. He wants everything a certain way before we get married, I guess.

Also, Clairitek, as I said... though I am blindsided pretty much, I don't want to force him into anything. That would be the worst feeling in the world.

 

[slg47]

i''m sorry...that is tough. i know i also had a quicker timeline than my bf. maybe once you''ve had some time to get over the initial shock you can talk with him about your concerns (is it that he doesn''t want to marry you? (probably not, but valid concern), is there something specific he''s waiting for?) communication on these issues is key and this is a touchy subject for a lot of couples...

anyway, best of luck!!!

 

[ohsoauthentic]

Date: 6/17/2010 4:18:46 PM
Author: slg47
i''m sorry...that is tough. i know i also had a quicker timeline than my bf. maybe once you''ve had some time to get over the initial shock you can talk with him about your concerns (is it that he doesn''t want to marry you? (probably not, but valid concern), is there something specific he''s waiting for?) communication on these issues is key and this is a touchy subject for a lot of couples...


anyway, best of luck!!!

Thank you... I know he wants to marry me, it isn''t that (at least that''s what he''s said time and again, that he KNOWS he wants to marry me). I think it''s the job thing, mostly.

 

[monarch64]

You ask that hussy of a co-worker of yours to STFU next time she starts asking ridiculous questions. Don''t let wretched, miserable people affect your thoughts and emotions, OSA.

 

[Clairitek]

Date: 6/17/2010 4:16:23 PM
Author: ohsoauthentic
Thanks ladies *hugs* man you guys are quick to reply! (and thank you for the compliments, I try my best to stay level-headed lol)

To answer your questions... job security is a big factor. He wants to be more settled. I''m like you in that, I don''t really understand WHY because we already live together, and I don''t understand why he can''t try and find a great job WHILE we''re married. But that''s okay. I don''t really think I''ll ever understand it, because clearly we have two different views on it. Point is, even though he technically DOES have a stable, full-time job right now, he isn''t happy in it. And that''s the biggest thing I think.

But then again, I''ve said to him flat out, what happens if (god forbid) it takes forever to find that dream job? Are we just never going to get married? We all know what the economy is like. He replied that if that were the case, obviously we''d get married. So I don''t get it. I think it''s a combination of him feeling too young (he''s turning 25 in July) and being all tied up in the job thing. I''ve heard it''s a common thing for guys. He wants everything a certain way before we get married, I guess.

Also, Clairitek, as I said... though I am blindsided pretty much, I don''t want to force him into anything. That would be the worst feeling in the world.

It seems like you are doing a lot to try and understand where hes coming from in wanting to wait. I''m with you on not really getting why you can''t get married while he looking for that dream job. It seems with these really big life decisions (getting married, having kids, making a big move across the country or somewhere else in the world) there is no "perfect" time, and hopefully he will see that in time on his own and come around. Do your best to wait patiently, because if he is as great of a partner as you think, then it WILL be worth it and 5-10 years down the road all of this will seem like a blip in time.

 

[janinegirly]

Can I ask how old you are? It's possible your bf has his own timeline in his head, i.e. be married by 30,etc. which he has his own reasons for. Meanwhile you seem anxious to be married soon. This is FINE, you have every right to have your own timeline and desires just as he does. The point is you guys are not in sync, at least not right now. Forget about what co-workers say--you are feeling the way you do because of your situation. Maybe what a co-workers said brought the feelings to the surface but they did not create them.

So it's up to you to decide--is this something that will eat at you and cause you high anxiety for the next 2-3yrs? My guess is yes. In that case you need to stick up for yourself and tell him that while you love him and see a lifetime together, you need to know that you are at least on the same page about the specifics and that 2-3yrs is too long for you. He needs to see (and you need to realize) that you are your own person with own wants and needs and it's not only he who dictates when makes sense. Of course he can't be forced either and he actually was very honest with you, so I give him credit for that. Reading into what he says by comments during movies and passing weddings is not the path you want to go down--listen to what he actually said and discuss that fact and let him know whether or not you are ok with it. I hope it works out...it very welll might since he does see a future with you--you just need to reallly flesh some things out.

Good luck and keep us posted.

 

[swingirl]

You've got a 25 year old boyfriend who lives with his girlfriend, shares the rent, has sex-- what's not to love about the current situation? And why change anything? Why take on the responsibility of a wife and kids when things are going so well and are very convenient?

Why don't you move out, live independently, take care of yourself and allow your BF to take care of himself, find his career and when he becomes a man and is ready for the responsibility of a family he will be ready for marriage. I don't mean to be harsh but it's more than being on different time lines. You are both young and if you have been living together for 2 years you moved in when you guys were barely adults.

Obviously some people ARE ready to get married at a very young age but those are folks who aren't waiting around for the right moment, or right job, or right anything. All those milestones in life can be made with a ring on your finger and I for one think the right job, right house, right moment is wonderful to spare with a spouse. Your BF wants to find his "right moments" as a single guy.

 

[VikingP77]

I think in a lot of cases the woman is ready sooner than the man is. Not everyone but a lot! I don''t see any Men in Waiting Boards around the nets hehe!
Sometimes the man does get married sooner than he was thinking and the woman has waiting a bit for him to come to that realization. That is all I was saying

 

[Autumnovember]

Ok--I hope to God this does not come off harsh at all because that is not my intent.

I was in the sam situation. My best friend is currently in the SAME EXACT situation as you with the exception that she is not living with her boyfriend yet. They have completely different timelines.

My advice to her and you, is that you need to sit down and have a SERIOUS, SERIOUS conversation about your timelines of things. You NEED to come to an agreement of what will be a compromise for the both of you.

In my personal opinion, I wouldn't stick around past 5 years...and to me, thats even pushing it. Thats just my OWN personal opinion.

After you have a serious conversation about both of your timelines, if you can't both can't come to an agreement I think you need to revaluate your relationship and if this is what you really truly want OR make it clear to him how long you're willing to wait until he proposes.

At first, when I told my boyfriend I was not willing to wait past X amount of years, I felt crazy guilty for giving him a semi-ultimatum.

However, the more I thought about it the more I came to realize that an engagement is not ONLY when HE wants to get engaged its when BOTH of you want to get engaged. I made it clear to my boyfriend that, if he was not ready by the time I was willing to wait then it would probably be best to go our separate ways.

Along with that, afterwards he came to me and told me he thought the amount of time I was willing to wait was really reasonable and I was not asking for a lot.

I hope this kind of helped,

my last two cents:


I cringe big time when a girl who has been dating her boyfriend for four years or more and has been living together a legit amount of time still aren't engaged (knowing she wants to be). So I understand why this girl said that to you, although her approach was not appropriate. I think there needs to be a line women draw but unfortunately a lot of them don't, and end up being with that person for four more years....until finding out it isn't going to work out and then there are 8 years, down the drain. Very sad.

 

[yssie]

Date: 6/17/2010 5:06:12 PM
Author: swingirl
You''ve got a 25 year old boyfriend who lives with his girlfriend, shares the rent, has sex-- what''s not to love about the current situation? And why change anything? Why take on the responsibility of a wife and kids when things are going so well and are very convenient?

Why don''t you move out, live independently, take care of yourself and allow your BF to take care of himself, find his career and when he becomes a man and is ready for the responsibility of a family he will be ready for marriage. I don''t mean to be harsh but it''s more than being on different time lines. You are both young and if you have been living together for 2 years you moved in when you guys were barely adults.

Obviously some people ARE ready to get married at a very young age but those are folks who aren''t waiting around for the right moment, or right job, or right anything. All those milestones in life can be made with a ring on your finger and I for one think the right job, right house, right moment is wonderful to spare with a spouse. Your BF wants to find his ''right moments'' as a single guy.

I have to agree with every word of this.

 

[ohsoauthentic]

Date: 6/17/2010 5:19:03 PM
Author: yssie

Date: 6/17/2010 5:06:12 PM

Author: swingirl

You''ve got a 25 year old boyfriend who lives with his girlfriend, shares the rent, has sex-- what''s not to love about the current situation? And why change anything? Why take on the responsibility of a wife and kids when things are going so well and are very convenient?


Why don''t you move out, live independently, take care of yourself and allow your BF to take care of himself, find his career and when he becomes a man and is ready for the responsibility of a family he will be ready for marriage. I don''t mean to be harsh but it''s more than being on different time lines. You are both young and if you have been living together for 2 years you moved in when you guys were barely adults.


Obviously some people ARE ready to get married at a very young age but those are folks who aren''t waiting around for the right moment, or right job, or right anything. All those milestones in life can be made with a ring on your finger and I for one think the right job, right house, right moment is wonderful to spare with a spouse. Your BF wants to find his ''right moments'' as a single guy.

I have to agree with every word of this.

I''m going to reply to all the other replies in a second once I gather my thoughts.

But so what you guys are saying is basically he''s stalling because really deep down he doesn''t want to marry me and wants to be single? He''s just with me because it''s convenient? I''ve wondered that, because of his need to find the perfect job before we can move forward. I personally don''t see how a job has any effect on a relationship moving forward... I would marry him if I operated a popsicle stand for crying out loud. I could be unemployed and it wouldn''t change the fact that I want to marry him.

 

[Should Be Studying]

Date: 6/17/2010 5:06:12 PM
Author: swingirl
You''ve got a 25 year old boyfriend who lives with his girlfriend, shares the rent, has sex-- what''s not to love about the current situation? And why change anything? Why take on the responsibility of a wife and kids when things are going so well and are very convenient?


Why don''t you move out, live independently, take care of yourself and allow your BF to take care of himself, find his career and when he becomes a man and is ready for the responsibility of a family he will be ready for marriage. I don''t mean to be harsh but it''s more than being on different time lines. You are both young and if you have been living together for 2 years you moved in when you guys were barely adults.


Obviously some people ARE ready to get married at a very young age but those are folks who aren''t waiting around for the right moment, or right job, or right anything. All those milestones in life can be made with a ring on your finger and I for one think the right job, right house, right moment is wonderful to spare with a spouse. Your BF wants to find his ''right moments'' as a single guy.

Just to provide a different perspective, I don''t necessarily think this is true. I am 25, my FI is 27, and we have been together for 8 years (engaged for 1). We have both known we wanted to be together since the beginning, but because we started our relationship when we were young, we knew things had to wait to get married. Yes, we could easily have gotten married while we were in college, or even while I was in law school, but I wanted to wait until we were both more settled and established. It is true that there may never really be a "right" time, but I think just because he doesn''t want to get married yet doesn''t necessarily mean he wants to be single. While some people are different and figure they are already together, so why not just be married, other people see it as well why rush to get married when we are already together. I hope that makes sense.

I do think you need to talk to him, but please don''t stick to just rigid timelines if you have something worth waiting for.

 

[Autumnovember]

Princess, I can''t say I agree but I definitely can see your point. I''m suggesting they compromise because otherwise its a complete ultimatum which me course, most people would probably advise against...

 

[4ever]

I know from exprience to be careful what relationship advice you take from people on the internet, it will never be as good as the advice you get from people who know you and your boyfriend.

I do worry, however, that to him 2-3 years means "I don't want to get married now and don't see myself wanting to for a long time. 2-3 years is a long time away but not so long that my GF will get mad at meor leave me"

How long are you prepared to wait for him if 2-3 years turns out to be a conservitive estimate?

Also, since it upsets you so much, I think you need to talk to him and ask him to stop talking weddings if it's not on the cards yet. It's not fair that he keep talking aout it and pointing out weddings on TV, it's just insuring you have marrige on the brain when he is not interested and it is not fair that he is leading you on and constantly getting your hopes up.

 

[dawnabee]

I wish you luck... just keep your calm because crying makes you feel worse and more panicked. Marriage seems to be a taboo word for some people.. its a big commitment and if you havent figured out your life yet it seems that much more overwhelming for men and women both.

I have to say I do not agree that you shouldn''t compromise and it has to be all or nothing. In a relationship there must be many many compromises. If he has to try for something a little sooner and you have to wait for something a little longer so be it. Don''t let other peoples opinions dictate how your relationship should be... and dont let stupid girls at work make you feel bad. Only you and your SO know the loving relationship you have and you have been in it for 4 years successfully.

My personal opinion is to get advice from people you know... you will take it less personally and can really process it ALL. The first best thing is to talk to your BF about why you are so upset and if he is unresponsive you really must think if he has your best interest at heart as much as you have his. Give it a day or two and you will feel better.


*************Dust*************

 

[Bunny007]

Date: 6/17/2010 5:25:36 PM
Author: ohsoauthentic

Date: 6/17/2010 5:19:03 PM
Author: yssie

Date: 6/17/2010 5:06:12 PM

Author: swingirl

You''ve got a 25 year old boyfriend who lives with his girlfriend, shares the rent, has sex-- what''s not to love about the current situation? And why change anything? Why take on the responsibility of a wife and kids when things are going so well and are very convenient?


Why don''t you move out, live independently, take care of yourself and allow your BF to take care of himself, find his career and when he becomes a man and is ready for the responsibility of a family he will be ready for marriage. I don''t mean to be harsh but it''s more than being on different time lines. You are both young and if you have been living together for 2 years you moved in when you guys were barely adults.


Obviously some people ARE ready to get married at a very young age but those are folks who aren''t waiting around for the right moment, or right job, or right anything. All those milestones in life can be made with a ring on your finger and I for one think the right job, right house, right moment is wonderful to spare with a spouse. Your BF wants to find his ''right moments'' as a single guy.

I have to agree with every word of this.

I''m going to reply to all the other replies in a second once I gather my thoughts.

But so what you guys are saying is basically he''s stalling because really deep down he doesn''t want to marry me and wants to be single? He''s just with me because it''s convenient? I''ve wondered that, because of his need to find the perfect job before we can move forward. I personally don''t see how a job has any effect on a relationship moving forward... I would marry him if I operated a popsicle stand for crying out loud. I could be unemployed and it wouldn''t change the fact that I want to marry him.

I don''t think that''s what everyone''s saying! No one can really know what your SO''s thinking. I mean, we hardly know you. You''ve posted like.. 20 posts. I''m not getting an overwhelmingly negative vibe from the responses in this thread, so don''t get down.

I think a lot of women (because it is usually the woman it seems) are suspicious of long timelines. I''ve always been confused by the concept. How can anyone know what they''ll feel three years from now? On the other hand, I know that accomplishments and milestones are important to some people and factor into the decision to get married. Some people hear of a long deadline and automatically think, what''s wrong with me... he must have doubts about me. Maybe half the time the guy in question really is stalling. The other half, he genuinly wants to be in a better position to get married. It sounds like your SO is committed to you, so I hope it''s the latter.

I know 2-3 years may sound like ages, but when your own timeline is 1-2 years, it''s really not so bad. At least you have some overlapp-age

 

[DivaDiamond007]

Date: 6/17/2010 5:06:12 PM
Author: swingirl
You''ve got a 25 year old boyfriend who lives with his girlfriend, shares the rent, has sex-- what''s not to love about the current situation? And why change anything? Why take on the responsibility of a wife and kids when things are going so well and are very convenient?

Why don''t you move out, live independently, take care of yourself and allow your BF to take care of himself, find his career and when he becomes a man and is ready for the responsibility of a family he will be ready for marriage. I don''t mean to be harsh but it''s more than being on different time lines. You are both young and if you have been living together for 2 years you moved in when you guys were barely adults.

Obviously some people ARE ready to get married at a very young age but those are folks who aren''t waiting around for the right moment, or right job, or right anything. All those milestones in life can be made with a ring on your finger and I for one think the right job, right house, right moment is wonderful to spare with a spouse. Your BF wants to find his ''right moments'' as a single guy.

I agree with this too.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Date: 6/17/2010 5:25:36 PM
Author: ohsoauthentic

Date: 6/17/2010 5:19:03 PM
Author: yssie

Date: 6/17/2010 5:06:12 PM

Author: swingirl

You''ve got a 25 year old boyfriend who lives with his girlfriend, shares the rent, has sex-- what''s not to love about the current situation? And why change anything? Why take on the responsibility of a wife and kids when things are going so well and are very convenient?


Why don''t you move out, live independently, take care of yourself and allow your BF to take care of himself, find his career and when he becomes a man and is ready for the responsibility of a family he will be ready for marriage. I don''t mean to be harsh but it''s more than being on different time lines. You are both young and if you have been living together for 2 years you moved in when you guys were barely adults.


Obviously some people ARE ready to get married at a very young age but those are folks who aren''t waiting around for the right moment, or right job, or right anything. All those milestones in life can be made with a ring on your finger and I for one think the right job, right house, right moment is wonderful to spare with a spouse. Your BF wants to find his ''right moments'' as a single guy.

I have to agree with every word of this.

I''m going to reply to all the other replies in a second once I gather my thoughts.

But so what you guys are saying is basically he''s stalling because really deep down he doesn''t want to marry me and wants to be single? He''s just with me because it''s convenient? I''ve wondered that, because of his need to find the perfect job before we can move forward. I personally don''t see how a job has any effect on a relationship moving forward... I would marry him if I operated a popsicle stand for crying out loud. I could be unemployed and it wouldn''t change the fact that I want to marry him.

Not to put words in Swingirl''s mouth, but I don''t think that she was saying that because he hasn''t proposed he wants to be single. I would say, however, that because he hasn''t proposed he doesn''t want to get married right now. Nor does he want to get married anytime in the near future.

As my husband pointed out in our pre-marital counseling, when he wasn''t ready for marriage anything was an excuse. He didn''t have the right job, he didn''t have enough in savings, we didn''t like the same bubble bath...when he was ready for marriage, there were no reasons not to.

He''s been honest with you and the ball is in your court. You can give him the time he needs or you can decide that you don''t want to give that much time. The only thing you cannot do is decide to stay, then feel bitter about the fact that he isn''t proposing. I wish you lots of luck, I know it''s a very tough spot to be in!

 

[KittyGolightly]

Date: 6/17/2010 5:25:36 PM
Author: ohsoauthentic

Date: 6/17/2010 5:19:03 PM
Author: yssie

Date: 6/17/2010 5:06:12 PM

Author: swingirl

You''ve got a 25 year old boyfriend who lives with his girlfriend, shares the rent, has sex-- what''s not to love about the current situation? And why change anything? Why take on the responsibility of a wife and kids when things are going so well and are very convenient?


Why don''t you move out, live independently, take care of yourself and allow your BF to take care of himself, find his career and when he becomes a man and is ready for the responsibility of a family he will be ready for marriage. I don''t mean to be harsh but it''s more than being on different time lines. You are both young and if you have been living together for 2 years you moved in when you guys were barely adults.


Obviously some people ARE ready to get married at a very young age but those are folks who aren''t waiting around for the right moment, or right job, or right anything. All those milestones in life can be made with a ring on your finger and I for one think the right job, right house, right moment is wonderful to spare with a spouse. Your BF wants to find his ''right moments'' as a single guy.

I have to agree with every word of this.

I''m going to reply to all the other replies in a second once I gather my thoughts.

But so what you guys are saying is basically he''s stalling because really deep down he doesn''t want to marry me and wants to be single? He''s just with me because it''s convenient? I''ve wondered that, because of his need to find the perfect job before we can move forward. I personally don''t see how a job has any effect on a relationship moving forward... I would marry him if I operated a popsicle stand for crying out loud. I could be unemployed and it wouldn''t change the fact that I want to marry him.

First of all, I''m sorry that you''re going through this. I don''t mean to speak for the ladies above, but I doubt that "deep down" your boyfriend doesn''t want to marry you. He just doesn''t want to marry you right now. He doesn''t feel the sense of urgency that you do. So you can proceed by his timeline. *Or* you can get out there, live your own life, and frankly light a fire under his ass. I don''t mean that you should give him an ultimatum, but if 3 years is too long for you to wait, then perhaps it''s time to rethink your living arrangement.