How do you know if you only want one child?

[Logan Sapphire]

I have to say, she''s a way cuter kid than what my husband and I could''ve made ourselves!

 

[curlygirl]

LS, she is absolutely GORGEOUS!!!! Geez, just looking at her would make me want another one! Good luck with this tough decision--whatever you choose will be right for you and your family.

 

[musey]

Date: 6/8/2009 5:36:52 PM
Author: MC

Date: 6/8/2009 5:32:01 PM
Author: musey
We want two... I'm afraid of the stereotypical 'issues' that only children have, because I've known a few people who really exhibited those, umm, issues

My husband is an exception, though.

Anyway, I've always known I wanted more than one. At least two, hopefully not more than three. It's always been a given in my mind.

What are the 'issues?' I'm an only child and probably have all of them issues! hehehe

Date: 6/8/2009 5:53:02 PM
Author: Elmorton
Musey - as an only, when I read this, I think that only children have the least problems (but then again, I think we often accept our own personalities and reject others'): http://www.childdevelopmentinfo.com/development/birth_order.htm

Also, I believe there is definitely a stigma for only children based on simple envy - it's easy to call a child 'spoiled' because the family has more resources for the child when the child throws a tantrum just like any other child does - but you probably wouldn't jump to call a youngest spoiled when he/she is throwing a tantrum, even though that child might be. And, it does depend on parenting. Some parents will be overbearing with an only, but those same parents might be the same way with multiple children.

I think birth order is really interesting - I definitely see elements of my personality that seem obviously birth-order related, that doesn't tell the whole story. Oh! And just so you know, only children as adults to be more mature than their peers, tend to accomplish goals that others find impossible, and tend to be highly motivated/successful.

Like I said, stereotypical. I wasn't trying to bash only children, like I said, my husband is one. I was mostly joking, not trying to cause any offense!

I've known a few "kids" (in high school and college) who lived up to the stereotype (extremely self-centered and egotistical), and of course WAY more that didn't.

Of course it can have certain effects on certain parents, too. My mother in-law is, well, obsessed with her son. Thinks he is simply the most talented/accomplished/exceptional at every single thing he does. It's actually quite obnoxious in some situations. Not that he isn't an exceptional person in my own opinion, but her outlook on him is pretty unrealistic (and inaccurate, in many ways). My parents (who have three) joke that since he's an only kid, they have nothing to compare him to

which of course is an oversimplification, and of course it's all in jest. Just a funny example of the stereotype.

I see the potential for that in myself, in the way I think/talk about our dog (he's just the best/smartest/trickiest/most talented dog out there, of course!!

), and I'd certainly want to avoid having that attitude with my child.


None of that has anything to do with the reason I want more than one child, it's just the silly stuff that crosses my mind when I think about it.

Again, I don't think all (or even MOST) only-children and their parents are like this, it's just a funny stereotype.

 

[D&T]

LS- What a cutie! She looks right at home with you, So Happy! I can tell she''s a very happy baby and in such a loving home... I''d say if you could do it, definitely have more... I really thought of only having one but my DH has 5 in his family and they are all so close with each other. I hope that is how our kids will be. 4 ( in my family but one of my older brother died before I was born).

 

[musey]

Date: 6/8/2009 5:53:02 PM
Author: Elmorton
Musey - as an only, when I read this, I think that only children have the least problems (but then again, I think we often accept our own personalities and reject others''): http://www.childdevelopmentinfo.com/development/birth_order.htm

LOL, I just read this, and the bullet points so accurately describe my siblings and I!

 

[icekid]

LS- your daughter is absolutely beautiful! Such a doll.

Elmorton- I don't agree that people with siblings are in necessarily jealous of only children. It is certainly not true, in my case. My siblings and I are very close. Life would not be the same without them!

And I am a total first born, by the way. But that has never been a secret!

 

[Haven]

I don''t fit the profile of the first-born child AT ALL. Interesting. I''m much more like the baby.

 

[Burk]

LS~What a cutie!!

We are going to be trying for baby number two in the next month. Our DD is 16 months. DH has always wanted two (it was him and his brother) and I would have 4 if he was on board. I''m hoping we can average out at 3!

I always knew I wanted to be a mother and I absolutely love it. I just know I''m not done now. DH does present that "don''t test fate" idea from time to time. He''s hugely pessimistic in nature, though!

Good luck with whatever you choose!

 

[Tacori E-ring]

LS, she is beautiful and you look so happy together.

My first born is NOT an easy child. At all! But I still want another. I am praying I will get a mellow 2nd.

 

[Elmorton]

Musey, it's cool, yo comprendo. Just trying to show the flip side a bit and defend onlies everywhere

Icekid - Oh, I don't think people with siblings are jealous of only children either, I think it's a stereotype that you hear parents say pretty often about other people's children (and sometimes even their own). Whenever a family has more resources (either because they have fewer kids or just simply more money) the easy thing to say in response is "the kids are spoiled." Is it possible to provide more for your kids without making them spoiled? I imagine it's just as annoying when people pass off bratty behavior with "Oh, she's the BABY of the family." Yuck - how about "this kid is being a brat!"

My biggest issue with having an only is not robbing them of siblings when they're younger (because I can honestly say I'm a-ok with not having sibs as a kid), but in that an only has to deal with aging parents alone. My DH loves my parents as his own, so I don't feel like I face that future by myself anymore, but the thought does bother me about doing that to my own child someday. At the same time, what I can't imagine robbing my child of is the upbringing I had - relationship with my parents, broad world view, close friendships, (mostly) peaceful home that I'm just not sure I would be able to provide if I had multiple children.

But...like I said in my very first post...only time will tell for me and my own personal feelings about it. I really don't think a person can *know* until that right time comes along or passes by.

ETA: Logan, somehow I missed your pics of beautiful little Casey the first time through. Such a sweetheart!!

 

[Kaleigh]

LS,
She''s sooooo cute. You look great, so happy for you. I don''t have much to add... I always wanted two. Good liuck deciding. I think you''ll know if you are ready... If not one and done is not bad at all!!!!

 

[mrssalvo]

LS-your daughter is just adorable.

 

[softly softly]

LS your daughter is absolutely adorable. Ditto to curlygirl, it''s impossible to look at her without wanting another one. However I think you have some very valid reasons for considering only having one child and whatever you decide you will still have a lovely family.

Personally I always knew I would have more than one child and my husband was particularly adamant. Everything they say about going from one child to two is true, it really does increase the workload tenfold to begin with, especially if you have them close together. However, now that my two are 4 and 3 they play together beautifully (I''m listening to them sing to each other as I type this), along with the standard fighting and sibling rivalry of course! While the fighting is frustrating, the extended periods of co-operative play really make my life easier, and I know my daughter will be somewhat lost when my son starts full time schooling next year. I also love seeing how excited they are to see each other when they have been apart for a few hours. Hopefully they make it through their teenage years with their friendship in tact.

LS good luck with your decision and in the meantime enjoy that beautiful daughter of yours.

 

[Linda W]

I only have one child, a daughter. She is now 37. I didn''t regret at all not having another one.

 

[vespergirl]

I think the best thing to do is wait a couple of years (like 3) before you have a second child. I recently read an article about this in Newsweek or something, but it said that years ago, many women chose to space their children about 5 years apart, so they wouldn''t have to go through the troubles of having a baby (up all night, diapers, etc.) until the older one was in kindergarten, more independent, and actually could help with chores and the smaller child. It used to be in families that a mom stayed home & raised kids, and older siblings helped with the younger ones. Apparently, it''s much easier caring for a baby when you only have one baby in the house, instead of multiple babies 12 or 18 months apart.

These days, in the race to get back to the office weeks after a baby is born, people barely have time to care for their own children, yet they rush into having a second to get those "pesky childbearing years" out of the way so that they can turn their primary attention back to the office, and have all their kids shipped off to school as close together as possible (these are the words I heard from many women in the law firms where I used to work). So, people have children consecutively, and then feel overwhelmed when they find themselves taking care of two or three children under age 3. I don''t know ANYONE from my mom''s generation who had kids that close together on purpose.

For us, my son is 2.5 and we just started trying for the second a couple of months ago. I couldn''t even imagine getting pregnant again until DS was AT LEAST 2 years old - it would have been too overwhelming, because toddlers still need so much one-on-one attention. I always told my husband that I wanted my kids minimum 3 years apart, preferably 4, because it''s not nearly as stressful to me to have one older child with a baby, as opposed to two babies, or even worse, a baby and a toddler.

However, I do have some friends who have sworn by the method of having them as close together as possible, living through 5 years of chaos, and then shipping them all off to school without ever having to look at a diaper again - I guess each family has to decide what style works best for them.

 

[steph72276]

I didn''t even THINK about having another child until our son was 3. I was just having too much fun with him and wanted to give him all the attention I could give him without being overwhelmed and stressed out with a new baby. Now our son is 4 and we are newly pregnant with number 2....they will be just over 5 years apart. Now my son can dress himself and doesn''t require quite as much one on one attention and I think he will be a really good helper. I couldn''t imagine myself with 2 in diapers at the same time, but everyone is different! I also say, give it some time....enjoy your time with your little one. You will know when/if it''s right to have another.

 

[elrohwen]

Date: 6/8/2009 5:36:52 PM
Author: MC

Date: 6/8/2009 5:32:01 PM
Author: musey
We want two... I''m afraid of the stereotypical ''issues'' that only children have, because I''ve known a few people who really exhibited those, umm, issues

My husband is an exception, though.

Anyway, I''ve always known I wanted more than one. At least two, hopefully not more than three. It''s always been a given in my mind.

What are the ''issues?'' I''m an only child and probably have all of them issues! hehehe

I was raised by not one, but *two* child psychologists who tried like heck to keep me from having these "issues". Lol I guess you''d have to ask my FI and close friends to know if they succeeded

 

[elrohwen]

And LS, your DD is adorable!! So smiley

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 6/8/2009 9:30:18 PM
Author: musey

Date: 6/8/2009 5:36:52 PM
Author: MC
What are the ''issues?'' I''m an only child and probably have all of them issues! hehehe

Like I said, stereotypical. I wasn''t trying to bash only children, like I said, my husband is one. I was mostly joking, not trying to cause any offense!

I''ve known a few ''kids'' (in high school and college) who lived up to the stereotype (extremely self-centered and egotistical), and of course WAY more that didn''t.

I know you weren''t trying to bash only children. All kids, regardless of simblings or not, have issues. Even if a family has many kids, maybe one child would be a favorite and spoiled more than the others.

For many reason, I think having an only child would be easier and I could spend more time with my son. We would have done more activites together and I think he would be more mature simply because with one child we could do museum trips, vacations, etc., that I can''t do with two (at least on a regular basis) because my kids are active and like to talk. We recently went on a tour and they did wonderfully, but that is because they are older. For many years, we only could go to more active places like a park or play area.

Though. . .he would have missed out on other activites such as playing with legos for endless hours with his brother. Doing so would drive me insane!

Oh, and FWIW, I was spoiled as a child *at times* but also treated as the "third wheel" other times. Even though we had plenty of money, my parents always dumped me off on relatives/friends when going on vacations. Also, my dad died when I was in my teens and my mom went off the deep end and I was the one who was stuck with the burden of trying to lift her out of her depression. She never recovered and because I was her only child, she blamed me for everyone and I had nobody to support me. She bought me a car and I raised myself from that age and on.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

LS - she is adorable. Congratulations!

 

[MustangGal]

LS, she''s soo cute!

I have one cousin with a down syndrome baby, and another with an autistic child. A cousin with ADHD, and a very strong addictive tendancy runs in my side of the family. I''m just worried that a second child might have one of these traits. At this point Kyle could even develop some of these issues. He has been a very easy baby, but it still requires a ton of time and energy to care for him. We did decide if we are going to have a second, we will have to start trying by the time Kyle turns 2, so they would be about 3 years apart. We both wouldn''t want any more gap than that. I would also be 33 at the time, and I don''t want to have children any older.

I do worry that having 2 working parents already takes so much time away from the children, that having 2 or more would mean even less time with them. Both my mom and DH''s mom stayed at home until all their kids were in school, which is something that isn''t feasible for us. One of the biggest blockages right now with having a second is income. We just can''t afford more then one at this time. Between daycare, diapers, formula, and baby "stuff", it really adds up.

 

[Erin]

I want only one. Because I am still on the fence about having one at all, I think having only one will be easier for us to do more husband/wife things.

 

[janinegirly]

LS : wow, she is a cutie!

.

DD: why test fate..haha, that''s a great way to explain it.

SP: are you still with the bf and on the fence because of that? just curious, I''m probably prying. I agree just one makes it easier for a couple to still have a semblance of their original life..well, easier but not the same as pre-kids of course!

 

[lili]

LS--
Casey is a cutie

So adorable.
Congrats mama.
Good luck w/ this tough decision.

 

[Giada]

I have a seven year-old daughter and we''re stopping at one for no other reason than it just feels "right". We are completely fulfilled with one child and just don''t feel the desire to add more to the family.

Sometimes I think the decision is as simple as just having things "feel right" the way they are.

 

[NakedFinger]

LS- I didnt read all the responses, so I apologize if some of this was said already.

I am one of six kids, and wouldn't have it any other way. I absolutely ADORE my siblings, and loved being part of a large family. However, I know I want 2 kids max.

Only really for the financial aspect of it. I unfortunately, am not as unselfish as my parents are, and wouldnt want to put that many people before me. Haha i know that sounds bad.

My SO is an only child, and i feel alot of his personality traits are directly related to being an only child. The good...he is very independent, self sufficient, etc. The bad, he is very shy, not comfortable around strangers, doesn't know how to ask for help, etc. I think an only child misses out on the social aspect of having siblings. Its funny to, because he is an only child, he swore he would never do that to a child. He wants like eight kids! Haha.

But I think each person is different. I think someone people are just meant to have a lot of kids (like my parents, i think my mom was born to be a mother) and someone people are the perfect "one child only" parents. Whatever feels right to you is what you should do.

 

[Erin]

Date: 6/9/2009 2:26:28 PM
Author: janinegirly
LS : wow, she is a cutie!

.

DD: why test fate..haha, that''s a great way to explain it.

SP: are you still with the bf and on the fence because of that? just curious, I''m probably prying. I agree just one makes it easier for a couple to still have a semblance of their original life..well, easier but not the same as pre-kids of course!

Not to thread-jack, but yes. He says he is ready to get married and have a child but the back of my mind keeps whispering that just because it''ll make me happy, doesn''t mean that''s what''s best for him.

 

[TravelingGal]

LS, she is gorgeous! Such a cutie, and of course I''m biased because I''m Korean.

 

[Pandora II]

DH and I are 99.9% definite about stopping with one.

I loathed being pregnant and then a traumatic birth I was lucky to survive plus dealing with a court-case where I''m suing my employer for trying to sack me because I was pregnant have all made the whole process less than fun and happy in both our eyes.

We live in London where housing is horribly expensive and we''d find it difficult to afford something bigger without going further out of central London or moving into something not nearly as nice as where we live now. I LOVE our current house and the area is great for kids - city farm, archaeology club, sailing school, parks etc plus the best primary schools in the area. If we just have Daisy, we could plan on staying here for a pretty long time.

Both DH and I are one of 4 children, but don''t spend a lot of time with our siblings. I get on very well with my younger brother, but not at all with my sister who is only 20 months younger than me - even as kids we didn''t get on and had little in common - and my youngest sister is 14 years younger so I''m more of an aunt figure to her than a sister. With all the siblings we have, we can at least guarantee a decent number of cousins for Daisy to know and play with. Loads of my friends are also due this year, so there will be plenty of children the same age for her to see. Plus, London has lots of opportunities for kids to socialise and interact that I never had as a child growing up in the middle of nowhere.

With just the one, we can afford to give Daisy the best we can in terms of education and access to opportunities without having to make the sort of sacrifices that our parents made for us. We would also have more possibility of DH and I having time for ourselves and our interests and hobbies - my mother gave up everything to look after us, she was only 21 though and happy to do it... I''m nearly 37 and would not be happy doing that myself.

On the negative side, I worry that she will feel undue pressure when she''s older to spend time with DH and I, or not to make certain choices - like living abroad - because of us. I do also worry about if something awful was to happen to her would I regret not having another child - not as any kind of replacement, but it does mean that you will still probably go through all those life-stages (graduations, weddings, grandchildren) that you wouldn''t if you''d only had the one.

I''ve been quite amazed how frowned upon ''only children'' seems to be. We''ve been asked a lot about our plans for a second and I''ve said that we don''t intend to have another and if we changed our minds we would want at least a 5-6 year age gap. People seem to be horrified by both options and I''m endlessly told that I ''say this now'' and that I''ll change my mind.

 

[iluvcarats]

LS
Casey is such a doll!
In my experience, two is easier than one.
They have each other to play with, and they become a little team.
They have a relationship with each other that they could not have with me or my husband.
They occupy and entertain each other all day, so honestly parenting is easier!
Not all sunshine and roses obviously, but from each other they learn to navigate relationships.
#1 was so hard, we weren''t sure about a second. But he snuck in there, the sneaky little devil, and I''m sure glad he did!