Funerals

[kenny]

I think idea of putting one's ashes in a forever-traveling bottle is awesome.

 

[susiegrneyes]

I am sorry @nala
Death is painful and funerals are difficult under the best of circumstances.

In the jewish tradition we sit shiva. It's for about a week after the funeral where people come and pay their respects to the loved ones left behind. They sit with us and keep us company and we reminisce about our loved one who is now gone. It is supposed to be healing in a way. Personally I find it intrusive but I am more of an introvert than extrovert and many people find sitting shiva helpful in processing the loss.

I remember when my grandmother died. We had a "viewing". I couldn't look at the open casket. I do not like that tradition at all. I want to remember my loved ones as they were. Not how they look in death.

After the funeral everyone goes to the house of the immediate family and food is served. Then for about a week loved ones and friends come to visit the immediate family. I went to my mothers house daily where my mom, uncle, aunt and dad were sitting shiva and receiving visitors all week. It was exhausting.

All mirrors are covered so you do not give energy or concern to appearance. You just reflect and think about the person you loved who is now gone. And people come and comfort you and share in memories. It's a nice concept and for a few days it is manageable. I wouldn't want to sit shiva for 7 days as some people do. I think modifying it so it works for you is what is important.

My father's side follows reformed Judaism and I have always been told open caskets are a no no. We do "sit Shiva", but we definitely do an abbreviated version as you mention above. The one part of my grandmother's funeral that I can't decide if it was helpful or mentally damaging was that each person took a turn placing a shovel full of dirt on the casket. It definitely gave you a personal role in the finality of it.

 

[missy]

@nala I am so sorry for all your sister in law and family went (and are going) through. Made even sadder by how young she was. And all the tragedy that came before her death. I get what you mean when you say the condolences aren't for you. Though my heart goes out to you and her entire family. I am so sorry for all they have had to deal with and all the grief

My father's side follows reformed Judaism and I have always been told open caskets are a no no. We do "sit Shiva", but we definitely do an abbreviated version as you mention above. The one part of my grandmother's funeral that I can't decide if it was helpful or mentally damaging was that each person took a turn placing a shovel full of dirt on the casket. It definitely gave you a personal role in the finality of it.

All I can do is share our experience. When my grandmother died, it was on a Friday night at midnight, and the funeral was planned for Sunday morning. In the Jewish religion you bury the dead as quickly as you can. And you cannot do it during the Sabbath which would be on Saturday. That Saturday night (after Sabbath was over) my family had a viewing at the funeral home. The night before the (morning) funeral and the day she died actually since she died Friday at midnight so really Saturday morning. It was for those who needed to see her. For closure I suppose. I couldn't look. My parents consider themselves to be of the conservative jewish faith but honestly if you ask me they are more reformed than conservative. And I guess they did what they felt they needed to do at my grandmother's funeral. I know it is not traditional to have an open casket.

When my grandfather died 12 years later they did not do a viewing the day before the funeral. I actually do not remember those details for some reason which is weird as he died more recently (2004) than my grandmother. But my mind cannot recall details. All I do know is there was no viewing. But for my grandmother there was an open casket the night before the funeral. And yes we all took turns shoveling dirt into the grave. I still cry over my grandmother. All these decades later. The pain is not as acute but still there and still hurts my heart when I think about her death.


When my MIL died (Catholic funeral) June of 2020 they had an open casket the day of the funeral just for a few people who wanted to see her. Her last remaining sister insisted on seeing her. So her sons had the casked opened just for Aunt Millie and then they closed it. Sometimes people need to see their beloved relative who has died before they are buried. And Aunt Millie died a few months later. All the sisters gone. She needed to see her sister before she died I guess. But now they are all gone. Very sad. Death is sad no matter how it goes down.

 

[susiegrneyes]

@nala I am so sorry for all your sister in law and family went (and are going) through. Made even sadder by how young she was. And all the tragedy that came before her death. I get what you mean when you say the condolences aren't for you. Though my heart goes out to you and her entire family. I am so sorry for all they have had to deal with and all the grief




All I can do is share our experience. When my grandmother died, it was on a Friday night at midnight, and the funeral was planned for Sunday morning. In the Jewish religion you bury the dead as quickly as you can. And you cannot do it during the Sabbath which would be on Saturday. That Saturday night (after Sabbath was over) my family had a viewing at the funeral home. The night before the (morning) funeral and the day she died actually since she died Friday at midnight so really Saturday morning. It was for those who needed to see her. For closure I suppose. I couldn't look. My parents consider themselves to be of the conservative jewish faith but honestly if you ask me they are more reformed than conservative. And I guess they did what they felt they needed to do at my grandmother's funeral. I know it is not traditional to have an open casket.

When my grandfather died 12 years later they did not do a viewing the day before the funeral. I actually do not remember those details for some reason which is weird as he died more recently (2004) than my grandmother. But my mind cannot recall details. All I do know is there was no viewing. But for my grandmother there was an open casket the night before the funeral. And yes we all took turns shoveling dirt into the grave. I still cry over my grandmother. All these decades later. The pain is not as acute but still there and still hurts my heart when I think about her death.


When my MIL died (Catholic funeral) June of 2020 they had an open casket the day of the funeral just for a few people who wanted to see her. Her last remaining sister insisted on seeing her. So her sons had the casked opened just for Aunt Millie and then they closed it. Sometimes people need to see their beloved relative who has died before they are buried. And Aunt Millie died a few months later. All the sisters gone. She needed to see her sister before she died I guess. But now they are all gone. Very sad. Death

I want to apologize if my choice of words sounded judgmental. It was in no way intended. I mentioned the difference because I was genuinely curious if open caskets are common for others in the Jewish faith. Thank you for sharing and I'm so sorry for your losses.

 

[missy]

I want to apologize if my choice of words sounded judgmental. It was in no way intended. I mentioned the difference because I was genuinely curious if open caskets are common for others in the Jewish faith. Thank you for sharing and I'm so sorry for your losses.

Aww no, not at all. I am sorry if I made you feel that way. I was just sharing the only two jewish funerals I have been to. Fortunately I have only been to very few funerals so far. I only wish it could stay that way but as my dad always says..."no one gets out of this life alive" LOL.

Thank you for your kind post @susiegrneyes and I am sorry for your losses too.

 

[smitcompton]

Hi.

I used to avoid funerals. I was the person who watched peoples children so that they could attend the services. I was the official babysitter. So for a good while I never attended any funeral service until my little son died.

We had a closed casket and viewing at a funeral home. The night before the burial we had a church service with the closed casket in the church. The church was packed, standing room only by the time the service began. We sang hymns and a few people said some lovely words. It was a great comfort to me and while I am no longer a believer, I believed then and remember that night with sorrow and love. For I felt the love from all those people who came to give me solace in my time of need. It was a beautiful service.

The following morning we laid my boy to rest. I still can cry over this.
We then go home to feed the crowd and people begin to laugh again, which is as it should be.

I like a church service over the funeral parlor service.

Annette

 

[Bonfire]

A poignant post @smitcompton, such a great loss. Hugs.

 

[yssie]

@smitcompton I’m so sorry for your loss Thank you so much for sharing your memory with us. I think I could cry with you, but I’d laugh with you later, too.

 

[kenny]

An 11-minute BBC video about some surprising funeral alternatives.

Six surprising ways to immortalise the dead

Six surprising alternatives to the traditional burial ceremony.

www.bbc.com

 

[babs23r]

As some of you know from a post, my dad died a couple of months ago. We are Jewish. Someone bathes and sits with the body until the funeral so that the body is not alone. The funeral is held as soon as possible. We have a service, no open casket, and then to the cemetery. We do shovel dirt on the casket, which is supposed to be a good deed. Then shiva. I dreaded it, but it really helped my siblings and I get through the first week. It felt weird when it was over. Going to shul to say the prayer for the deceased helps also. It is for a year after a parent dies.
The whole death process is the most painful life event .
I’m not sure I’ll ever get over it.
Hugs and love to everyone going through this.

 

[Calliecake]

@smitcompton, This week has been a horrible week for the country. After reading your post here I imagine it would be harder for you than most people. I’m so sorry Annette.

 

[Avondale]

I’m not sure I’ll ever get over it.

It's been nine years since my mother died. Maybe something happens after the tenth, I don't know. But in my nine years of experience it's not really possible to get over it.

You do learn to live with it, though. And even though going back to normal, to the way things used to be, is not really an option, you adapt and settle into a new form of normal eventually. Everyone grieves differently so I'll spare you the cliches and unsolicited advice. I trust that you'll find your way through this.

 

[babs23r]

It's been nine years since my mother died. Maybe something happens after the tenth, I don't know. But in my nine years of experience it's not really possible to get over it.

You do learn to live with it, though. And even though going back to normal, to the way things used to be, is not really an option, you adapt and settle into a new form of normal eventually. Everyone grieves differently so I'll spare you the cliches and unsolicited advice. I trust that you'll find your way through this.

Thanks. I’m really not liking this new normal. In fact, nothing seems normal to me anymore. I know from everyone’s posts that you have to learn to live with it.
I often wondered why some people had a sadness in their eyes. Unfortunately, I am one of those people….

 

[nala]

Thanks. I’m really not liking this new normal. In fact, nothing seems normal to me anymore. I know from everyone’s posts that you have to learn to live with it.
I often wondered why some people had a sadness in their eyes. Unfortunately, I am one of those people….

It’s a club no one wants to be a part of. Such is life. Sorry.

 

[Avondale]

I’m really not liking this new normal. In fact, nothing seems normal to me anymore. I know from everyone’s posts that you have to learn to live with it.

Well, there isn't a fixed time table. Drop the haves and musts. You don't have to anything, especially not because someone else before you did. Everyone feels the same pain when they lose a loved one but they deal with it differently. I remember spending maybe 6 months wishing for the world to stop, for the entire universe to freeze, for time itself to stop moving forward. I effectively wished doom on everything in existence and if I had the option I probably would've Thanos-ed it all, so thank god the infinity gauntlet is only fiction.

Screw what everyone else is doing or saying. None of them... well, us, are in your head. Just... take your time and do/think/feel whatever you need to.

 

[babs23r]

Everything that everyone has written has been helpful. I feel like I’m doing better some days, then all of a sudden it hits me. Just got back from an amusement park, and flashbacks of my dad came back. Smacked me right in the face. So here I am, crying and trying to pull myself together before my daughter, son in law and grandson find me. Embarrassing and humiliating. But that’s what I’ve become…. An embarrassment.
My dad deserves better.

 

[Avondale]

Everything that everyone has written has been helpful. I feel like I’m doing better some days, then all of a sudden it hits me. Just got back from an amusement park, and flashbacks of my dad came back. Smacked me right in the face. So here I am, crying and trying to pull myself together before my daughter, son in law and grandson find me. Embarrassing and humiliating. But that’s what I’ve become…. An embarrassment.
My dad deserves better.

You are NOT an embarrassment. If you have a grandchild then your father was a great-grandfather, which must mean he lived a long life and gathered tons of wisdom along the way. Granted, I don’t know you, I never knew your father, but I can’t imagine a universe where a beloved parent would blame their kid for missing them after their death.

What is happening to you is normal. Completely normal. There’s nothing wrong with you, you aren’t making mistakes, you aren’t messing things up. You just miss your dad, that’s all.

 

[babs23r]

You are NOT an embarrassment. If you have a grandchild then your father was a great-grandfather, which must mean he lived a long life and gathered tons of wisdom along the way. Granted, I don’t know you, I never knew your father, but I can’t imagine a universe where a beloved parent would blame their kid for missing them after their death.

What is happening to you is normal. Completely normal. There’s nothing wrong with you, you aren’t making mistakes, you aren’t messing things up. You just miss your dad, that’s all.

Thank you @Avondale . Yes, my dad was one week shy of his 94th birthday. He lived a wonderful life, and I was lucky to be part of it. He worked until he was 91, and retired so he could take care of my mom. Intellectually, I can understand it, emotionally is where I’m having problems.