Funerals

[nala]

Sadly, I have attended a couple funerals recently which gave me a lot to think about. I had never stopped to question funeral traditions in my family until now. As Catholics, we have a visitation/viewing/wake an evening before the burial, open casket if the manner of death permits. This viewing seems so unnatural to me. I’ve never walked away from a viewing thinking that I’m glad I had one last look. The viewing ends and the agony is prolonged another night. The loved ones go home knowing that their loved one is spending the night in the funeral home as we dread the next day When we put our loved one 6 feet under. Forever. Oh. And once again we have to say goodbye. If we can manage to
Drag the family away. We then follow the family to the person’s home and what follows is life. People—how can they be Hungry?—sit around and eat and drink. And sooner or later laughing happens.

I need something different. Please share with me what your funeral traditions and if you appreciate them.

 

[LilAlex]

So sorry you have been through this.

I like eulogies that are funny. Not relentlessly funny or disrespectfully funny or shockingly funny -- but funny enough that there is real laughter and fond remembrance amid the tears. Our family has tended to do this and it is not unexpected in my culture. I have done this twice, learning from my much older cousins. It's how I would want my kids to remember me. I'm sure I am a "character" in ways I recognize and in ways I don't -- but others will surely laugh and nod along when these ways are gently pointed out.

And we really eat; gifts of food are welcome for the grieving family.

 

[VRBeauty]

We rarely have viewings - the only one I recall attending as an adult was for a friend who was, together with his wife, a member of the choir I sang in at the time. To my surprise, he was laid out in full frontiersman regalia - I hadn’t realized before then that he was a student of the Lewis and Clark expedition, and often participated in period re-enactments!

The tradition in my church is a memorial service, which may take place several weeks after the death. There is very rarely a casket at the service - in fact, I think the only services I’ve attended that included a casket were held at Roman Catholic Churches. The internment, if any, is not usually a part of the memorial service.

There will be two memorial gatherings - not services - for my mother-in-law, who passed away recently. The neighbors in the retirement community she lived in (where her partner still lives) will host one gathering. Although I’m sure family would be welcome, I’m not sure we’ll explicitly be invited. The other will be a gathering for extended family, and will be hosted by one of her sons at his home. I don’t think a minister will be involved in either gathering. I do think these gatherings suit my MIL and that informal gatherings are what she would have wanted.

 

[AllAboardTheBlingTrain]

Hindu funereal traditions go on for 13 days after the death of an individual.

After the passing, the cremation is held as soon as possible (we do not bury our dead), within 24 hours at a max. The viewing happens at the deceased's own home (we bring them back to the home if they happen to pass in a hospital, so that they can go to their next journey from home) and they are prepared for cremation by their family members. Everyone, including children, are encouraged to pay their respects... I know this might sound sort of barbaric but imo it really helps the passing sink in. It's your last chance to say goodbye and seek their blessings. Your friends and family also come to your home at this time. Then the hearse will take the deceased along with close (traditionally only male) family members to the cremation grounds. Other family and friends stay with the female family members in the home, supporting them through grief, until the male family members return.

In the thirteen days that follow there are some important ceremonies that are conducted. There is at least one prayer meeting (some people do multiple days of prayers), and ceremonies that involve feeding and giving away rations, clothes, items etc. to the poor, some animals (cows) and priests. This is done in the name of the deceased and it is thought that doing this gets them good karma, so it is very important for people to do this. The ashes of the deceased are also consecrated in a nearby flowing body of water, we don't hold on to them in our homes. People, if they can afford it, will travel to places like Haridwar which are 'holy places' to consecrate. The thirteen days are of mourning, so usually your family or friends will drop in on you for those thirteen days. Its supposed to help you get over the first shock of grief, I think.'

Personally, I like that Hindu traditions are elaborate, it softens the shock of grief imo. Praying/singing can be meditative (I am not religious, but I find the songs soothing). I also like that our traditions involve charity... that there can be good that comes out of something sad.

I am sorry for your loss, @nala.

 

[kenny]

I don't go to them, ever.
The only one there, whom I might like to see, is dead.
Mourning is bad enough when alone, and being with others at that time just would make it ten times worse.

Same with weddings.
Once again the guests of honor, whom I might like to see, is busy, quite busy.

I DO like being with people, but just one at a time.

What do I tell people when declining an invitation?
The truth, "I just don't go."

My husband, who was raised Catholic, and I both don't care how our bodies are disposed of because we'll be dead.
While we both think donation is the best first choice, if they don't want our crappy corpses then cremation with minimum or no fuss (gathering of any kind) is the best of the horrible choices - we'll be dead so don't care what family decides what to do with the leftovers of our lives.

When dying we go back to whatever and wherever we were before birth, if anything or anywhere.
Nobody has any proof of anything otherwise, so why waste any time on unanswerable questions?

Nala, don't do things you don't want to do.
Just say no.

 

[HGar]

Death and Funerals in my Anglican family are - family stay with the person until they pass, whether it is in a hospice, home, hospital. Minister of our Church is phoned as is the funeral home. We then go back to one home to sort out the immediate details and phone close family and friends. We never have a viewing and we try to arrange the funeral within the following 5 days if possible.notice placed in newspaper and many visitors attend our home - it becomes a never ending cycle of morning and afternoon teas. Funeral at my family Church - a very basic service with one eulogy, one reading plus the Minister completing the Church service. Reception afterwards whilst deceased is taken for cremation. A further Church service upon internment into the Columbarium.

For my in-laws, also Anglican it is a more private occasion. Once the family member has passed nothing is made known other then to immediate family. No paper announcements until after the burial. No viewing. A graveside ceremony followed by the burial. Very intimate and small gathering at a family home.

 

[missy]

I am sorry @nala
Death is painful and funerals are difficult under the best of circumstances.

In the jewish tradition we sit shiva. It's for about a week after the funeral where people come and pay their respects to the loved ones left behind. They sit with us and keep us company and we reminisce about our loved one who is now gone. It is supposed to be healing in a way. Personally I find it intrusive but I am more of an introvert than extrovert and many people find sitting shiva helpful in processing the loss.

I remember when my grandmother died. We had a "viewing". I couldn't look at the open casket. I do not like that tradition at all. I want to remember my loved ones as they were. Not how they look in death.

After the funeral everyone goes to the house of the immediate family and food is served. Then for about a week loved ones and friends come to visit the immediate family. I went to my mothers house daily where my mom, uncle, aunt and dad were sitting shiva and receiving visitors all week. It was exhausting.

All mirrors are covered so you do not give energy or concern to appearance. You just reflect and think about the person you loved who is now gone. And people come and comfort you and share in memories. It's a nice concept and for a few days it is manageable. I wouldn't want to sit shiva for 7 days as some people do. I think modifying it so it works for you is what is important.

 

[Gussie]

Before my grandfather died he requested graveside Masonic rituals after the traditional church service. He was an amazing man dedicated to charitable causes and loved the Masonic traditions. I don't think any of us knew what to expect and tbh it was pretty weird. Lots of wide eyes lol!!! So much so that my grandmother explicitly said that she did not want Eastern Star (sort of women's equivalent to Mason of which she was a member) rituals at her funeral. I remember her saying something to the effect of "batsh!t crazy" afterwards!!!!

 

[Lookinagain]

I really dislike open caskets. As others have said, I want to remember the person when they were alive, not dead in a casket. Although I was raised catholic, I didn't have an open casket for either of my parents, nor a church service. Just something simple at the funeral home. Then after, a gathering of friends and family at a restaurant where people were reminiscing and telling old stories, often laughing about them. My daughter can do whatever she wants with me when I die. Whatever she chooses to do that helps comfort her. I don't really care what that is, because as @kenny says, I won't be there.

 

[VRBeauty]

I did want to add one more thing. My mother-in-law died in a hospital after two plus years of being bedridden at home. Most of that time was difficult for her. After she passed away my husband and I were allowed to see her, even though visits had previously been limited to her partner due to Covid protocols. I know it sounds like a cliche, but she truly looked like she was at peace. Because she had been through such a difficult time, was grateful for the chance to see her like that. But that may be somewhat different from seeing a body that’s been prepared for a viewing. (And my viewpoint may be tainted by TV and cinema depictions of what happens behind the scenes in mortuaries!)

 

[jaysonsmom]

It is interesting that this topic came up this week. I have a memorial service for a friend's mom who passed away at 88. Even though I have been friends and hiking buddies with this friend and his wife, I have never met his mom. I feel weird attending the service of someone I don't know, but I feel obligated. Still on the fence about the service tomorrow.

I have also attended 2 celebrations of life this year. Both were dear friends of the family. one was for a 17 year old, and the other 90. Both services were incredibly moving, and their family and friends shared many tales and laughs about their deceased family member, and neither of the "celebration of life" ceremonies included a casket. There were slide shows, pictures, flowers and even balloons. I was glad to attended both. Both families were close friends of ours, and we were happy to share stories and memories of their loved one with them.

I want my funeral to be a celebration of life as well, I want bright sunflowers and some "Sunflower" music played and hopefully a nice party with lots of wine so my family and friends can share happy memories of me.

 

[Barkingatstrangers]

Many of my relatives are Catholic and like some of you, I was always very uncomfortable with the viewing tradition. It always seemed so strange to stand around staring at a corpse - especially since the body really doesn't often look much like the person you lost, anyway.
When my father died in October, we decided instead on a human composting for his body. It turned out to be a very healing ceremony for me, and a lot of other people said the same thing. It's a tiny bit of comfort to know his body will go back to the earth as precious compost to help rehabilitate a nature site to its former grandeur. They tell us the site on the mountain and the nearby stream should be ready to reintroduce wild salmon with a few more years and compost donations.

 

[nala]

I did want to add one more thing. My mother-in-law died in a hospital after two plus years of being bedridden at home. Most of that time was difficult for her. After she passed away my husband and I were allowed to see her, even though visits had previously been limited to her partner due to Covid protocols. I know it sounds like a cliche, but she truly looked like she was at peace. Because she had been through such a difficult time, was grateful for the chance to see her like that. But that may be somewhat different from seeing a body that’s been prepared for a viewing. (And my viewpoint may be tainted by TV and cinema depictions of what happens behind the scenes in mortuaries!)

It really is different and I just experienced both of these. My sis in law passed on April 27 after a long battle with cancer. It was painful to see her suffer, the few occasions that she allowed us to be with her. I saw her briefly at a wedding In late January, after she had kept us from seeing her for a couple of years. She didn’t want us to know. So imagine the shock at seeing her in late January. I knew she was suffering and reached out but she still didn’t welcome visitors. I saw her a week before she passed at her own mom’s funeral—she didn’t have the strength to be there so she stayed in the car. She passed a week later and my brother asked us to see her after she passed—in the hospital. I had never seen a dead person in the hospital, but I can say she looked at peace. She hadn’t been able to eat solids for a while and was taking morphine for the pain 24/7. Yesterday at the viewing, 3 weeks later, she looked more like her mom and that is what convinced me that there has to be another way to pay tribute to our loved ones than this way. There will be a mass today before the car procession to the gravesite. We will wait with my brother and their children until they kick us out. Seeing him close her casket last night was gut-wrenching but he needed us all to be there with him. They prepared a video of all her pictures and favorite music and placed it above her—a constant reminder of the juxtaposition of life and death.
Thank you all for your condolences. She was only 49 and gave my brother a wonderful life. Although she had distanced herself from us over a decade ago, before the cancer, we still feel immense pain. I didn’t know true empathy until now—for a life that was cut too short and the pain my brother feels.

 

[VRBeauty]

Hugs to you and your family, Nala. That’s a lot of grief to handle in a very short time.

 

[nala]

Hugs to you and your family, Nala. That’s a lot of grief to handle in a very short time.

Thank you. As much as I grieve, I feel this pain is not my own. It’s disorienting to come back to someone’s life only after they are dead. I keep reminding myself that my brother never left our lives and he needs us now. He has 7 siblings and their spouses so we have all been taking turns. He says it’s a welcome distraction. Neither of them had many friends left. Her family—has no energy left. In 7 years, my sister in law lost—23 year old nephew to suicide. He was due to graduate from college but instead took his life by walking across the freeway. It was alll over the news. The trauma. Then a year later, his mom (her sister) was struck with a virus that consumed her within a year. Their aunt (their mom’s sister) died the year after. Then an 18 year old nephew, (her brother’s son) passed due to a heart attack induced by who knows what. Her mom And now her this year. Her father had passed in his late 50’s, about 5 years before all of these deaths followed. The slide show featured so many pics of a family that is all gone.
I appreciate the condolences but don’t feel they belong to me.

 

[etudes]

I'm very sorry for your loss, Nala.

My cousin's daughter had brain cancer. Medical treatment was very limited due to her age (she was less than 2 year old). So, my cousin and her husband decided to bring her home. She passed away last month. That day she was fine in the morning, suddenly had seizure at midday and died in the hospital shortly. She was brought to funeral home and cremated the same day she died. A priest from diocese led short prayers in the funeral home and crematorium.

I already knew some of the taboos in Chinese funeral traditions. For instance : don't wear red color, don't look at the coffin when it's being closed/carried out of the hearse, don't look back at the direction of the grave/crematorium after funeral service, and wash hands and feet before entering the house.

However, I was very surprised by Chinese custom for a child funeral. Specifically, the older family members should not pay respect to a younger family member who died (basically the parents, grandparents, great uncles/aunts, people from older generation). This includes going to the funeral home, sending the body to be buried/cremated, and spreading of the ashes.

In this case, the parents and the grandparents still attended the service in the funeral home, but my dad and my other aunt weren't allowed to go. Only several younger family members, a family friend, the priest and some people from funeral home also went to the crematorium.

It was even fewer when we spread her ashes three days later. It was just my brother and I, a family friend, someone from the funeral home, and my cousin (brother of the mother). We had small gathering in my aunt's house afterward. Honestly, I don't know what I think about this particular custom. Despite being forbidden to attend, some of them said the weight was lifted from their shoulders (if only because it means she doesn't suffer anymore).

 

[MamaBee]

I’m so sorry @nala....I really feel for your brother..I can’t imagine..That was good that he knew to ask for you to be there. I’m sure it gave him comfort.

I agree with not having an open casket. I told my husband and anyone else in my family that listens that I don’t want people remembering me like that. My family is Italian..as is my husband’s family. They always do an open casket with a huge get together after the burial. His aunt still goes to all the cemeteries where family is buried..on holidays. My mom told me that when she was young it was a custom to bring a blanket to spread on the grave so they could sit and have lunch with the deceased. It was a horrible vision for a young child to imagine..When I or my husband go on it will be a closed casket without a viewing.

 

[stracci2000]

These are all very sad stories.

I told DH--no funeral for me, just cremation.
Bury my ashes and maybe plant a tree on top.
I dislike the lengthy proceedings and especially the viewing. The whole embalming thing is super weird, and I don't want it.

When MIL died last August, they held a traditional funeral. It cost FIL over $10,000.
He actually wanted a very simple ceremony, and there was already a plot purchased at the cemetery. But MIL's sister pushed for the whole traditional shebang, so yeah, it turned out to be a three day affair.
MIL was a lifelong Baptist, even though she was full blooded Native American. Her sister and nieces went to the funeral home where they were allowed to wash and dress her, according to the Native tradition.
Before the closing of the casket, a lady friend (also Native) placed a small Pueblo pot in her hands, containing a bit of food, likely bread, to sustain the deceased into the journey ahead.
My DH and I later discussed how MIL wouldn't have liked that, because she eschewed the Native ways.

 

[GreenPapaya]

I'm so sorry. There has been so many tragedies the past few years. My heart hurts so much.

As theravada Buddhists, the wake is held early evening. Monks would chant for some hours and the casket would be open for viewing. After, there will be dinner/refreshments. Close family or friends would spend the night with the casket in the temple, I guess so the body won't be alone or to attract the spirit. The next morning we'll have more chanting at the temple. Then collect money/clothes/ food for charity. Then a procession to the crematorium. More chanting at the crematorium, then everyone takes turn putting flowers in the casket and say their final farewells. Then we'll sing a traditional goodbye song. Sometimes there will be a speech, most times not. After the cremation, the ashes would be placed in the temple. Sometimes there's refreshments afterwards. There are ceremonies for the 100th day and then yearly after.

When I die, we'll skip all that. I'll be cremated (after donating whatever I can) directly from the hospital. I don't want anyone to view my body. And if I have money left, I'll pay for a memorial service in Fiji or on a beach somewhere in Cambodia.

 

[Arcadian]

I will not go to a funeral. Nope. Ain't doing it. That is not the last vision I want to see. When my husband's father passed, there wasn't a funeral nor was there a service where people looked at his body. He was cremated within a day after he passed. About a week or 2 after there was a celebration of his life, to which had a lot of people there as he was well loved in his community and also pretty famous classical musician in his day. His children privately released his ashes to the sea after the ceremony.

This is the only way I will go to a "funeral". The memory of my grandmother laying in a box will haunt me the rest of my life. I was only there because my mother asked me to be there and I could not deny her. I'm grateful she has requested no funeral. I told my dad forget it. yep he'll be laid up in a box but I will not be there to see it.

 

[Matata]

When I was growing up, the family had the traditional mass or church service after a few days viewing in a funeral home. I have no issue with surviving family/friends doing what they need to do when they need to do it in order to achieve peace with a loved one's death.

For years I had planned on being cremated when I died. We now have natural burial available in my area and that's what DH and I have chosen. My body will be wrapped in a biodegradable fabric and buried in a forest preserve set aside for that purpose. No service, burial immediately after death. I've told family and friends to spend time and share their lives with me now because I won't care one bit what they do to honor me after I'm dead.

 

[HGar]

@Gussie when my husband’s grandfather passed, my FIL (his son-in-law) completed all the Masonic rituals graveside after the service. It was very moving to watch.

My darling FIL is now 80 with advanced Parkinson’s and I am a little saddened to think that no one in the family is left to complete those same rituals for him when the time comes. But as I said previously, my MIL is extremely private and guarded so I am not privy to what will occur until she chooses to inform me.

My parents are completely different. My father had a booklet completed with every bit of information we would need. From who to call, bank details, what casket to choose absolutely everything was set out. My mother vetoed only one thing which was his song choice for in the church - this was deemed not appropriate by Mum and therefore was played in the hearse instead as he was driven away from the service.

My husband and children know exactly what I want - immediate cremations. A third of my ashes are to be taken to Oahu, another third to Disneyland with the remaining third wherever my family seems the right place.

 

[yssie]

Oh dear lord. @nala I’m so sorry for your losses, so many losses I’m glad your brother has support now.

Indian rituals probably vary by location and caste. Everything Indian varies by location and caste so I’m sure funeral rituals are no different. The days upon days of ceremonial grief display - expressed in careful birth and gender and family relation order, of course, because those totems of social standing matter even in death and deviating from tradition would be immeasurably disrespectful - to me, they feel interminable and macabre. It is difficult for anyone who needs to grieve with privacy.

I don’t want any of that. Organ donation, then cremation, and a short ceremony that’s hopefully attended only by people who genuinely know and care for me. And please put some of my ashes in the box with my lost furbabies so I’ll be with them in my next life.

So many ::HUGS:: Nala.

 

[canuk-gal]

Hugs to you and your family, Nala. That’s a lot of grief to handle in a very short time.

+ a billion

 

[diamondseeker2006]

Funerals we go to are generally at a church with the burial following at a cemetery. The caskets are never open there. But sometimes the family may have a visitation at the funeral home the evening before the funeral (where people come to express their condolences) and I have seen an open casket in that situation before. I avoid looking if at all possible. I prefer remembering the people when they were living. That even includes my parents.

(Just went back and saw your second post, Nala. That is so very sad about your sister-in-law. So sorry!)

 

[TooPatient]

Currently in process of planning one. My grandparents bought a family plot some years back and already paid for their cremations plus most other stuff. So far:

No viewing. Body was taken from home same night as he passed and then cremated without anyone seeing it again. His ashes have been returned in an urn which is sitting in the house until they are interred. There will be a flag lowering ceremony done by the local American Legion to honor him and his service to our country. My grandmother wants a service at the church which will include presenting the flag and taps followed by cookies and coffee. Then to the cemetery where his ashes and those of one of his sons will be interred.

My husband and I will have a standard Jewish service (short, closed casket) within 24 hours of death followed by immediate burial.

Oh! My grandmother who passed in 2004 planned hers out ahead of time including having the hula class she had been in dance a few pieces at her service.

 

[Bron357]

My favourite was a “living” funeral. A dear Aunt terminally ill decided that she wanted to celebrate her life while she was still here.
It was both beautiful and painfully sad, she was too young to go. However there was something special about crying and laughing together. I thought it much better for everyone, including her, to make their peace, share their final thoughts and feelings in person.
At the end of the celebration we all lined up and had one last hug and exchange of words.
She passed a few weeks later and was cremated, only immediate family attended that ceremony.
When it is sudden and unexpected, I think it’s much much harder.
Vale Aunty Val.

 

[Karl_K]

It varies a bit by religion but the norm here for a burial is visitation, followed by the memorial service, followed by internment then getting together for food and or visiting.
Usually takes 3 hours not counting food/visiting.

For cremation its usually a memorial service with pictures and a representative urn, then food.
Then on the day they do cremations its done and the family picks up the ashes.
Then if there is an internment or spreading of ashes it has been with covid going on not unusual to be scheduled a year or more later.

 

[clumberlove]

My family are (British) Quakers so funerals are a little different. The deceased is collected from the place they died by the funeral home and taken straight there. There is no viewing, but close family may choose to visit at the funeral home before the funeral.

Funeral is usually closed casket and can vary depending on how many non-quakers are going, when mostly non-quakers are attending it tends to be a little more structured. Most people choose some favourite music to be played at points during the ceremony. The funeral itself is a version of silent worship, where everyone is allowed to speak about the deceased if they feel moved to, which is like "giving a minstry" in a standard quaker worship. Sometimes a family member will have prepared a eulogy of sorts. Most of the time people will share favourite memories or anecdotes about the deceased. There is no set tradition on whether there is a burial or cremation. My parents have planned and pre-paid a green burial, where they will not be embalmed and will be buried in a wicker coffin that has not been treated, so that they will return to the earth in a relatively short time. They will be buried in an orchard and feed the trees.

After the funeral there is usually some food and tea/coffee. It will be some sort of buffet with cold finger food.

My in-laws are Anglican, they also have a closed casket ceremony, with a vicar to give the service. There will be a eulogy and some reading of favourite poems or bible verses. There are hymns and usually some secular music to walk into the service and to leave the service. You wait outside the church and when the coffin arrives it is carried inside by pall bearers who are male family members. Everyone follows the coffin into the church. After the ceremony the coffin is carried out of the church to the grave where the pall bearers lower it into the ground and each person throws dirt on top. After that there is food and drinks at a nearby pub where everyone has some fun and shares stories or just have some release from the solemnity of the service.

 

[Avondale]

The viewing ends and the agony is prolonged another night.

I'll be honest, this sounds... terrible. Viewing, traditions, food, all ok, but this unnecessary prolonging of the rituals can weigh so heavy on people who are already in enough pain.

The main religion here is orthodox christianity. The funeral proceedings are more... timely and speedy, I would say. When a person dies, a wake at the church is carried out within the next day or two. On some rarer occasions the wake can be delayed a bit more in time. There are no speeches or eulogies. Instead a priest and a choir sing for the passing of the deceased. The family decides whether to have an open or closed casket. The people who come to honour the deceased bring flowers.

The food traditionally served is boiled wheat (prepared with a good amount of sugar and sometimes resins), usually accompanied by some snacks - cookies, crackers, things that can easily be consumed in a bite or two. Everyone attending the funeral receives a small package of food. Tradition compels everyone to have at least one bite and say "may god forgive". Refusing drinks or food served to you is considered disrespectful.

I've always percieved this to be one of the more... practical traditions which are just dressed in religious clothing. When you think about it, the people attending a funeral of a loved one would be in a lot of stress and pain, and when in such a state a person would often refuse to eat or drink. You can easily end up feeling weak and faint, and if you're someone older or with health conditions, you can easily negatively affect your health. And it's at this point precisely where tradition has found a way to say "no, you can't ignore your basic needs, you have to eat and drink".

The funeral itself follows immediately after the wake. In case the family has opted for cremation, the funeral home takes the body and stores it until it's time for it to be cremated and the wake is where it ends. I personally hate funerals. I hate that you have to throw dirt on top of the casket as it's lowered into the ground. And that after the grave will forever remind you that the person you love is dead.

Here's something to possibly lighten up the mood a bit, I stumbled upon it a while back:



The text inside reads: “Please don’t open me, my ashes are on a journey, I started at Cumberland Island, so if you see me ashore, please snap a picture, email it & throw me back so I can travel some more.”

Here's the original story with the sources quoted: https://www.newsobserver.com/news/weather-news/article234830522.html