How do you know if you are in an abusive relationship, when the abusive is NOT physical? I think I am going crazy, and I''m too embarassed to confide in family or friends because no one knows that I am (or was, as of two weeks ago) still in this relationship.
This summer, after attempting to make things work with my boyfriend for a year, I moved back to my home state. It was supposed to be a temporary break that would give me time to reconnect with my family and him time to straighten some things out in his life. I won''t mention his religion, because I don''t want to have this post be removed, but I believe our religious differences played a HUGE role in this mess. He was disfellowshipped (excommunicated) from his church and was not supposed to be dating me while he tried for reinstatement. And he was not supposed to date me AT ALL because I am what they call an "unbeliever." I did try to convert to his particular faith, but I just couldn''t do it, as it is not only a religious change, but a lifestyle change as well, at least in some areas. That is all I will say about that.
We planned on seeing each other once a month. Because of his financial situation (he had declared his second bankruptcy after his second divorce and lost his job in the mortgage industry) I was the one to pay for the visits and also the one who had to do all the flying. The first visit in August was great and gave us both hope for our future. The second visit in late September ended on a bad note when he woke me up in the middle of the night after having a bad dream. He asked me why I never listened to him about religious matters, why I continued to drink Diet Coke when he had shown me articles about Nutrasweet being unhealthy, and why it took me so long to transfer my credit card balance to a card with a lower interest rate. I admit I was cranky at 3 in the morning, but when I realized he was serious, I tried to explain my feelings/actions to him. When that didn''t work, I apologized for being stubborn and hard-headed. That visit ended with him dropping me off at the airport a few hours later and not even telling me goodbye. I almost had a panic attack before I boarded the plane. When I arrived home, five hours later, he told me that I had overblown the whole thing and that it was just a simple argument, and all couples have arguments. He told me to stop being so over-emotional because he was worried I was unstable.
After that visit, I was in no hurry to visit him the next month. He didn''t mention a visit either until late in October. He told me over the phone while I was grocery shopping that he had found a flight for only $200, but it had a five-hour layover. I told him that for a weekend visit, a five hour layover was not going to work because by the time I would get there, it would be time to fly right back. I said that it wasn''t worth it. What I meant by that was that the cheaper price wasn''t worth it, and I would rather just pay more money to get a direct flight. He took my comment to mean that HE wasn''t worth it and ran with that, no matter how many times I tried to explain what I meant. That weekend he put up an ad on Craigs List in the personal section and had dates with five different women over the course of 3 days. When he wouldn''t answer his phone all weekend, I called a mutual friend because I was worried (he has anxiety attacks), the friend told me what he had done. He told me that I needed to get out of the relationship and that I was being abused.
After hearing this, I left a voicemail on my boyfriend''s phone, very upset, and told him that I knew what he was doing. I left several voicemails, actually. I could not stop crying, because this was the man who told me he loved me and needed me so much, and who also told me that no one really loves me like he loves me. He tells me that my family loves me, but I''m only a secondary relationship for them because my dad has remarried, my mom is dead, and my brothers have families now of their own. When he finally returned my call, he was very angry. In one my my messages, I told him that he had been lucky to have me. He told me that one of the women who he saw "totally blew me out of the water, looks-wise." He also told me that he told his story to all of these women, and they told him that I was a selfish bitch for leaving him and "abandoning" him and that by looking at my picture, they could tell I was a "shallow piece of shit." I told him that I''m sure the women looking for dates on Craigs List are all licensed therapists and qualified to judge.
I don''t really remember what happened after that. I was very upset. A week or so later, he called me and told me that dating other women made him realize how much he loved me, even though I had abandoned him. He said that listening to my voicemails that night made him realize how much he had hurt me, and he was so sorry. I forgave him. It was now November by that time, and I scheduled a flight to go and see him in mid-November. A couple of weeks later, though, I couldn''t get a hold of him on the phone. I had talked to him the previous day and he was fine, so I wasn''t really worried until later than night. He called me back around midnight and told me he had been on a date with a woman who was a former Miss Guam. He said they spent all day together. When I got upset, he told me it was my fault for leaving him. Again, I don''t remember what happened after that. I think I forgave him because we started talking again about a week before my scheduled visit. He asked me if I would quit my job in December and move out to be with him again because he couldn''t take it anymore. He asked this while I was at work, so I asked if we could talk about it later that night. He never called me back that night. The next day, while I was at work, he called me and told me that he could not be with me anymore. He said he realized he was too picky to be with me. He told me that he had been feeling bad for how he had been treating me until he realized that if I would have only listened to him and worked with him and let him be head of house, he wouldn''t have to come down on me so hard. He also said that he couldn''t forgive me for abandoning him. He said that he was going to concentrate on making money, working out, and then find someone more compatible with him.
Over Thanksgiving, he decided he was in love with me again. He said his mother had really messed up his thinking as he was growing up. She married and divorced four times, and some of his stepfathers were abusive. He said he was controlling because that''s the way she is. He said he would work on it. At this time, I told him I was done and I changed my number. He sent me desparate emails telling me how much he loved me, how no man would ever love me like he did, how men would use me for sex and then dump me when they realize what a bad Irish temper I have. During a low moment, I called him so he had my new number. We talked off and on through December and January until I thought maybe he had changed, then we started up with the "I love you''s" again.
There are blank spaces in my memory. I used to have a really good memory, but I literally can''t remember some of the things that happened during this time period. I know we got back together and I made flight plans but something would happen and I would cancel it. In late Jan or early Feb. the same friend told me that he was talking to women who he "met" on a dating site that was designed to introduce American men to Filipino women. He told the friend that the women he was "talking" to via webcam and internet voice were so sweet and submissive (that is a word he uses a lot) and told him how they would take care of him and cook for him. He also told the friend about a website called nomarriage.com which recommends not to marry American women for various reasons. It''s a very hateful sight. I cried when I looked at it and saw what he was reading and apparently agreeing with. there was one woman in particular who he spoke with and she told him she wanted to get engaged and married and live in the US with him. Later, he called me and told me it was all a mistake and he was just doing "research."
I flew out to see him last month. Everything went well, actually. He told me that after not having me there, he realized how empty his life was without me. He wanted us to do "what God says" about having an honorable courtship and then get married. He also kept saying how quiet I was and he wasn''t used to me not chattering away. I honestly didn''t know what to say to him. I don''t know why I was even there. At this point, I feel like a robot and I am not in control of my life. I just wish I could figure out what would make and keep him happy. Religion is a constant issue.
So I fly back home. We start fighting. Or really, he starts ranting and I keep apologizing or trying to explain. Over stupid things. Like he asked me how my dad and my brother were getting along after a disagreement that they had. When I said fine, he said how can they possibly be fine after their argument? When I said all I know is that they appear to get along well, and that was it, he said I was being short with him and I was angry. I wasn''t angry, though. I just didn''t know how to answer his question any other way.
Then he tells me that he feels guilty about some physical stuff which took place during my visit, which he initiated. He told me that he wanted to have an honorable courtship and next time I flew out, he would pay to have me stay in a hotel. Since he can''t afford much, I should fly out Sat. mornign and then fly back Sun. I told him that that idea didn''t work for me, because I could not fly four and half hours Sat. morning and then turn around and fly back on Sunday. it''s just too physically exhausting. Not to mention not worth $300 - $400 just for a 24 hour visit. He told me again that I needed to think about what makes God happy, not us. He said I couldn''t stay at his apartment because he can''t resist my physically and he wants God''s blessing for us in our marriage.
Two weeks ago I found out he was still communicating with this one particular woman in the Philippines. My friend told me that he compares me to her all the time to him. She is sweet and submissive and is willing to do what God says, I am not. I am also too tall and too skinny and I won''t listen to him about putting on weight. He told me that my boyfriend was talking about flying to the Phil. to visit her. How he could possibly afford to do that is beyond me, as he is b-r-o-k-e. So I call him and tell him that I know what he is doing. He tells me that I am crazy and that all he wanted was God''s blessing, but I am too mean and hateful. He would not admit to anything and later called our mutual friend and told him that he threw him under the bus.
I admit I lost it. He called me mean and hateful, so I showed him mean and hateful. I left really rude text messages. I felt horrible the next morning and left a voicemail to apologize. Two days ago he sent me several texts telling me that I had almost killed him. he had to go to the emergency room with chest pains and is now on beta blockers. He said the only person he ever wanted was me, and all he wanted was our relationship to be blessed and for me to do whwat was required to recieve that blessing. He told me he was done with relationships, period, and he made two new male friends who he was going to hang out with for a while until he gets healthy and gets his debts paid off. He said everyone is telling him how hateful and mean I am. Of course, these people don''t know me and only hear his side. The mutual friend told me that I am being abused and that my ex has serious issues and is not looking for a partnership with a woman but woman to be his servant. I asked him why he was his friend, and he said he didn''t know. He said that my ex helped him while he was going through his divorce, just like I did, and he feels he can''t turn his back on him, especially now.
I realize I am just emotionally purging on anyone reading this. If you made it through my post, thank you. I realize that I am farrrrrr from perfect and I have done and said some things that I wish I had not have, but I have never treated him like this. Whenever he needed me, I was there. When he needed to "borrow" money for his bankruptcy, I gave him the money. I paid his cell phone bill. I held him when he cried every other weekend when he had to drop off his son after visitation. I took care of him when he was sick. I bought him clothes when I saw he needed them. I forgave him, even when he didn''t ask for forgiveness. When I needed a ride to the emergency room last year because I was having fainting spells, he accused me of being a drama queen and my friend''s husband had to take me and stayed with me while I had an IV and brought me home and went grocery shopping for me. I''m finally angry about it. I never was angry before about it. I always thought something was wrong with me, and that I was unstable and high-maintenance. The sad thing is right now, all I want to do is call him and ask him to forgive me for getting angry with him for having an internet affair. I''m just sick with myself.
This summer, after attempting to make things work with my boyfriend for a year, I moved back to my home state. It was supposed to be a temporary break that would give me time to reconnect with my family and him time to straighten some things out in his life. I won''t mention his religion, because I don''t want to have this post be removed, but I believe our religious differences played a HUGE role in this mess. He was disfellowshipped (excommunicated) from his church and was not supposed to be dating me while he tried for reinstatement. And he was not supposed to date me AT ALL because I am what they call an "unbeliever." I did try to convert to his particular faith, but I just couldn''t do it, as it is not only a religious change, but a lifestyle change as well, at least in some areas. That is all I will say about that.
We planned on seeing each other once a month. Because of his financial situation (he had declared his second bankruptcy after his second divorce and lost his job in the mortgage industry) I was the one to pay for the visits and also the one who had to do all the flying. The first visit in August was great and gave us both hope for our future. The second visit in late September ended on a bad note when he woke me up in the middle of the night after having a bad dream. He asked me why I never listened to him about religious matters, why I continued to drink Diet Coke when he had shown me articles about Nutrasweet being unhealthy, and why it took me so long to transfer my credit card balance to a card with a lower interest rate. I admit I was cranky at 3 in the morning, but when I realized he was serious, I tried to explain my feelings/actions to him. When that didn''t work, I apologized for being stubborn and hard-headed. That visit ended with him dropping me off at the airport a few hours later and not even telling me goodbye. I almost had a panic attack before I boarded the plane. When I arrived home, five hours later, he told me that I had overblown the whole thing and that it was just a simple argument, and all couples have arguments. He told me to stop being so over-emotional because he was worried I was unstable.
After that visit, I was in no hurry to visit him the next month. He didn''t mention a visit either until late in October. He told me over the phone while I was grocery shopping that he had found a flight for only $200, but it had a five-hour layover. I told him that for a weekend visit, a five hour layover was not going to work because by the time I would get there, it would be time to fly right back. I said that it wasn''t worth it. What I meant by that was that the cheaper price wasn''t worth it, and I would rather just pay more money to get a direct flight. He took my comment to mean that HE wasn''t worth it and ran with that, no matter how many times I tried to explain what I meant. That weekend he put up an ad on Craigs List in the personal section and had dates with five different women over the course of 3 days. When he wouldn''t answer his phone all weekend, I called a mutual friend because I was worried (he has anxiety attacks), the friend told me what he had done. He told me that I needed to get out of the relationship and that I was being abused.
After hearing this, I left a voicemail on my boyfriend''s phone, very upset, and told him that I knew what he was doing. I left several voicemails, actually. I could not stop crying, because this was the man who told me he loved me and needed me so much, and who also told me that no one really loves me like he loves me. He tells me that my family loves me, but I''m only a secondary relationship for them because my dad has remarried, my mom is dead, and my brothers have families now of their own. When he finally returned my call, he was very angry. In one my my messages, I told him that he had been lucky to have me. He told me that one of the women who he saw "totally blew me out of the water, looks-wise." He also told me that he told his story to all of these women, and they told him that I was a selfish bitch for leaving him and "abandoning" him and that by looking at my picture, they could tell I was a "shallow piece of shit." I told him that I''m sure the women looking for dates on Craigs List are all licensed therapists and qualified to judge.
I don''t really remember what happened after that. I was very upset. A week or so later, he called me and told me that dating other women made him realize how much he loved me, even though I had abandoned him. He said that listening to my voicemails that night made him realize how much he had hurt me, and he was so sorry. I forgave him. It was now November by that time, and I scheduled a flight to go and see him in mid-November. A couple of weeks later, though, I couldn''t get a hold of him on the phone. I had talked to him the previous day and he was fine, so I wasn''t really worried until later than night. He called me back around midnight and told me he had been on a date with a woman who was a former Miss Guam. He said they spent all day together. When I got upset, he told me it was my fault for leaving him. Again, I don''t remember what happened after that. I think I forgave him because we started talking again about a week before my scheduled visit. He asked me if I would quit my job in December and move out to be with him again because he couldn''t take it anymore. He asked this while I was at work, so I asked if we could talk about it later that night. He never called me back that night. The next day, while I was at work, he called me and told me that he could not be with me anymore. He said he realized he was too picky to be with me. He told me that he had been feeling bad for how he had been treating me until he realized that if I would have only listened to him and worked with him and let him be head of house, he wouldn''t have to come down on me so hard. He also said that he couldn''t forgive me for abandoning him. He said that he was going to concentrate on making money, working out, and then find someone more compatible with him.
Over Thanksgiving, he decided he was in love with me again. He said his mother had really messed up his thinking as he was growing up. She married and divorced four times, and some of his stepfathers were abusive. He said he was controlling because that''s the way she is. He said he would work on it. At this time, I told him I was done and I changed my number. He sent me desparate emails telling me how much he loved me, how no man would ever love me like he did, how men would use me for sex and then dump me when they realize what a bad Irish temper I have. During a low moment, I called him so he had my new number. We talked off and on through December and January until I thought maybe he had changed, then we started up with the "I love you''s" again.
There are blank spaces in my memory. I used to have a really good memory, but I literally can''t remember some of the things that happened during this time period. I know we got back together and I made flight plans but something would happen and I would cancel it. In late Jan or early Feb. the same friend told me that he was talking to women who he "met" on a dating site that was designed to introduce American men to Filipino women. He told the friend that the women he was "talking" to via webcam and internet voice were so sweet and submissive (that is a word he uses a lot) and told him how they would take care of him and cook for him. He also told the friend about a website called nomarriage.com which recommends not to marry American women for various reasons. It''s a very hateful sight. I cried when I looked at it and saw what he was reading and apparently agreeing with. there was one woman in particular who he spoke with and she told him she wanted to get engaged and married and live in the US with him. Later, he called me and told me it was all a mistake and he was just doing "research."
I flew out to see him last month. Everything went well, actually. He told me that after not having me there, he realized how empty his life was without me. He wanted us to do "what God says" about having an honorable courtship and then get married. He also kept saying how quiet I was and he wasn''t used to me not chattering away. I honestly didn''t know what to say to him. I don''t know why I was even there. At this point, I feel like a robot and I am not in control of my life. I just wish I could figure out what would make and keep him happy. Religion is a constant issue.
So I fly back home. We start fighting. Or really, he starts ranting and I keep apologizing or trying to explain. Over stupid things. Like he asked me how my dad and my brother were getting along after a disagreement that they had. When I said fine, he said how can they possibly be fine after their argument? When I said all I know is that they appear to get along well, and that was it, he said I was being short with him and I was angry. I wasn''t angry, though. I just didn''t know how to answer his question any other way.
Then he tells me that he feels guilty about some physical stuff which took place during my visit, which he initiated. He told me that he wanted to have an honorable courtship and next time I flew out, he would pay to have me stay in a hotel. Since he can''t afford much, I should fly out Sat. mornign and then fly back Sun. I told him that that idea didn''t work for me, because I could not fly four and half hours Sat. morning and then turn around and fly back on Sunday. it''s just too physically exhausting. Not to mention not worth $300 - $400 just for a 24 hour visit. He told me again that I needed to think about what makes God happy, not us. He said I couldn''t stay at his apartment because he can''t resist my physically and he wants God''s blessing for us in our marriage.
Two weeks ago I found out he was still communicating with this one particular woman in the Philippines. My friend told me that he compares me to her all the time to him. She is sweet and submissive and is willing to do what God says, I am not. I am also too tall and too skinny and I won''t listen to him about putting on weight. He told me that my boyfriend was talking about flying to the Phil. to visit her. How he could possibly afford to do that is beyond me, as he is b-r-o-k-e. So I call him and tell him that I know what he is doing. He tells me that I am crazy and that all he wanted was God''s blessing, but I am too mean and hateful. He would not admit to anything and later called our mutual friend and told him that he threw him under the bus.
I admit I lost it. He called me mean and hateful, so I showed him mean and hateful. I left really rude text messages. I felt horrible the next morning and left a voicemail to apologize. Two days ago he sent me several texts telling me that I had almost killed him. he had to go to the emergency room with chest pains and is now on beta blockers. He said the only person he ever wanted was me, and all he wanted was our relationship to be blessed and for me to do whwat was required to recieve that blessing. He told me he was done with relationships, period, and he made two new male friends who he was going to hang out with for a while until he gets healthy and gets his debts paid off. He said everyone is telling him how hateful and mean I am. Of course, these people don''t know me and only hear his side. The mutual friend told me that I am being abused and that my ex has serious issues and is not looking for a partnership with a woman but woman to be his servant. I asked him why he was his friend, and he said he didn''t know. He said that my ex helped him while he was going through his divorce, just like I did, and he feels he can''t turn his back on him, especially now.
I realize I am just emotionally purging on anyone reading this. If you made it through my post, thank you. I realize that I am farrrrrr from perfect and I have done and said some things that I wish I had not have, but I have never treated him like this. Whenever he needed me, I was there. When he needed to "borrow" money for his bankruptcy, I gave him the money. I paid his cell phone bill. I held him when he cried every other weekend when he had to drop off his son after visitation. I took care of him when he was sick. I bought him clothes when I saw he needed them. I forgave him, even when he didn''t ask for forgiveness. When I needed a ride to the emergency room last year because I was having fainting spells, he accused me of being a drama queen and my friend''s husband had to take me and stayed with me while I had an IV and brought me home and went grocery shopping for me. I''m finally angry about it. I never was angry before about it. I always thought something was wrong with me, and that I was unstable and high-maintenance. The sad thing is right now, all I want to do is call him and ask him to forgive me for getting angry with him for having an internet affair. I''m just sick with myself.
300x240.png)