Extremely WEIRD dinner invitation - HELP!

[Independent Gal]

Well, I just returned to my hometown for the last few days of my holiday. I''ve been in another city visiting my sister and one of my brothers. My sister has a different mother (let''s call her Mary) - my dad''s last wife - and on the train on the way here (we came together) Mary asked sis (via cellphone) to invite me to dinner with her parents (sis'' grandparents that is) and sister and BIL. Then she picked us up at the train station and drove me to my father''s house.

For a little background. We never got along. I always had a very strong sense that she resented us and personally disliked us. I mean, a lot. In fact, she was completely downright mean to us most of the time. Plus the divorce was VERY vitriolic and Mary was devastated when my dad left her. I haven''t seen her in four years, and basically thought I''d never see her again.

Then suddenly she''s giving me lifts and inviting me to dinner?!

Sis has been telling me how she''s so much happier now than she''s ever been and it really SHOWED in the car. She was laughing at all my jokes... like really LAUGHING. I can''t remember EVER hearing her laugh before. And she looked great.

Anyway, here''s my dilemma. Isn''t it weird to invite your ex-step-daughter to dinner with your family who aren''t her family? When you HATE her dad? Anyone ever heard of such a thing before? I mean, my older brother and I take very good care of her kids and really look out for them, and we''re very close (the kids that is) but why this sudden burst of ''come to the family dinner''?

It''s totally thrown me for a loop. She never even liked us. Never even been pleasant to us. It''s just so weird. But she was so nice about it, even saying ''I understand if it would be overwhelming.'' and ''if not today hopefully another time''.

Should I go to dinner? With all her relatives? Would YOU go?

My sis and littlest bro clearly want me to go. But it was definitely Mary''s idea.

 

[KimberlyH]

I would go if you''d like to spend more time with your brother and sister.. It sounds like Mary has grown a lot since you''ve seen her last and just because her relationship has ended with your father doesn''t change that she is still, through her children, part of the peripheral of your life.

 

[strmrdr]

Date: 8/18/2007 2:26:23 PM
Author: KimberlyH
I would go if you''d like to spend more time with your brother and sister.. It sounds like Mary has grown a lot since you''ve seen her last and just because her relationship has ended with your father doesn''t change that she is still, through her children, part of the peripheral of your life.

yep I was going to say the same thing.
A friend of mine was in the same situation and guess who is the one that helps out the most with their kids and they get along best with?
Yep the lady they have no blood ties too.
It gets a little wierd with 6 gandparents for the kids but they dont mind :}

 

[Independent Gal]

I skyped with FI and he also thinks I should go. He pointed out that it was a nice opportunity to have some resolution and maybe develop some good feelings between us. After all, I''m her childrens'' sister, friend, and mentor and will be her grandkids auntie some day. It would be nice if we could have friendly relations between us.

So, we''ll meet as grown-ups! For the first time!

I''m a little nervous to tell my dad about it. I think he''d be rather bewildered. I guess it will be a sort of ''don''t ask don''t tell'' situation. It''s not like I always report my dinner invitations to him.

 

[decodelighted]

I''d vote "go" ... but with one warning ... don''t drink too much or dish stories about your Dad & his new wife (and the position & the house & the staff etc). PART of desire to socialize (consciously or subconsciously) might be vicarious gossip/info. Honestly she might not even realize it & I don''t suspect it''s malicious ... just kinda human nature, yanno??

Glad for her that she''s happier & kinda blossoming! I bet she always liked you but felt competitive with you at the time????

 

[Independent Gal]

Hey Deco, that''s GREAT advice. I''ll try to keep on my toes about it. Luckily the fancy house + staff are my mom and step-dad''s thing, so nothing to do with ex-step-mom (I know, half the time even I can''t keep it all straight!)

Now, the whole ''step-sister''s bf sells dope'' thing... that Mary would just love. But I''ll keep it to myself.

Promise.

 

[Independent Gal]

Oh yeah, and did I mention that, in the car, she had a big ol'' sparkler on her hand? Not an e-ring, but I guess her new man is a little more jewelry oriented than my dad was. So, maybe that helps with the mood!

I''ll have to get a closer look at it this evening if I can...

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 8/18/2007 3:18:44 PM
Author: Independent Gal
Luckily the fancy house + staff are my mom and step-dad's thing, so nothing to do with ex-step-mom (I know, half the time even I can't keep it all straight!)

Ooopsie. Can we get one of those Powerpoint flow charts or something??

ETA: Quick dish ... I had a meeting this week w/ a socialite type & in addition to her diamond studs she was wearing a very cool Bulgari necklace. Made me think of your e-ring ... if I'm not TOTALLY misremembering now.

 

[Stone Hunter]

Yes I agree with all the above posters. Be careful but go.

Also maybe she was very depressed when you knew her and it came out as anger? Maybe she''s on meds now!

You like her kids. They are part her. So maybe her good parts were covered up during her marriage to your Dad by some mental health issues?

 

[Independent Gal]

Well, folks, I am so glad I went to dinner at Mary''s place. It was a seriously fun evening. Great food, great conversation, totally not awkward, and the best part was seeing how happy Mary is now, and what a different person she is. I think it''s probably right that she was really depressed with my dad, and now she''s come out of herself and really flourished. Plus her new guy (well, they''ve been together 2 or 3 years now) is a doll. Soft spoken, smart, kind of down home easy to be with, and obviously loves her to bits. And their home is lovely. She just seems so relaxed!

Isn''t that wonderful? Well, I really think it is.

Kind of hoping no one mentions it to my dad though. He might be a bit uncomfy with the situation.

DECO: you''re not misremembering. I''ve got the Bulgari Beast on my paw right here and I love it more and more every day.

Oh, and I checked out Mary''s bling. It''s a Wallets (cough, I mean Hearts) on Fire. Probably about 1 ct. Beautiful custom setting. Nice work Mary''s new guy!

 

[Miranda]

I''m just seeing this now and before I saw your report my vote was to go. I''m so glad you did. It sounds like Mary is genuine and was just in a bad place before. Glad to hear she''s happy now.

 

[HappyAnniversary]

I am so glad you went. I would bet she''s feeling a bit bad about not treating you well in the past, and wants to make up for it. One needs all the pals one can get in this world and it looks like you''ve added to your group. And what a wonderful thing for you and your sister. And if you remember I went to a Bulgari store and tried on "your" ring. It felt wonderuful on, and looked very beautiful, the pictures capture the visual but not the gestalt of it (if I used that word right)

 

[KimberlyH]

So glad you went and enjoyed, IG!

 

[diamondfan]

If you think there is not a negative motive or agenda, I would just take it for what it seems to be, she is happy and okay now, and has seemed to put the past behind her. Maybe she can appreciate you now in a new light, she can separate you from your dad and what he did to her, and knows you are close to her kids and her kids like you. I would perhaps be a bit wary just at first, but honestly, maybe she has had an epiphany of sorts, and has moved on, so she is now able to see things differently. I think it is great if that is the case. Go with an open mind and then just try to avoid conversation about your dad, what he does now, who he is with etc, keep it about her, her family, good things, positive things.

ETA: Just read that you went and enjoyed it! I am so glad. It really shows, to me, that she is now HAPPY and can move beyond the divorce from your dad. It is great that she is in a good place now...so you can add her to your circle in a way that feels comfortable for you, if that is workable.b

 

[AGBF]

Independent Gal,

I was following along and I want to say, "brava" both to Mary and to you. You broke an old pattern which can only benefit her children/your half-siblings. It took courage for her to invite you and for you to accept. I am so happy she found a great guy this time. This is just a wonderful story!

Congratulations!

Deborah

 

[phoenixgirl]

I''m glad you were open to a nice evening and ended up having one! When I read your post, I figured she was probably just being friendly to someone who was basically family, but I understand the suspicion that it might have been creepy. I''m glad it wasn''t!

We''re throwing my parents a surprise anniversary party next weekend (shhh!), and my dad''s cousin, whom I never remember being mentioned until I suddenly met him at my wedding, is coming AND bringing his children and children-in-law. I''ve certainly never heard of them, but as we emailed back and forth they mentioned their children would like to drive them and I just kept inviting the whole clan until it went from two people to six. Yes, it seems a little weird, but I''m just trying to do what you''re doing . . . figuring that it''s never too late to get to know a distant relative, and the more the merrier.

A year ago, I was too busy or sick to go over a female neighbor''s for dinner, so DH went without me. She had a single girlfriend over, who then invited us to a Thanksgiving dinner even though I''d never met her. I just knew in my gut that it didn''t make sense for her to invite us to this dinner and I guess my basic reaction was jealousy since she didn''t know me but invited my husband. Well, as it turns out, she did have a reason for suddenly inviting a man she''d just met -- she''s divorced and all of her friends are divorced women, like the sister''s club in Jerry McGuire. A new beaux was visiting from overseas, and she wanted him to have a man to hang out with, so she invited us so DH could keep him company. See, my gut was right . . . it was too intimate of an evening to share with strangers. Only, she wasn''t inappropriately interested in my husband; she just wanted a play date for her new boyfriend.

So as of late I''m trying not to assign people sinister motives for wanting to spend time with us . . . why not, right? There are enough friends and family who can never make the time for you, so why glare suspiciously when the universe sends someone your way who is on the other end of the spectrum?

That said, though, there are certainly people with problems who are more trouble than they''re worth. Once you get wind that somebody is one of those, I say, run in the other direction!