Elopement and Reception Later-How did you feel?

[hisdiamondgirl]

Hello BWW,

I am looking to hear from the lovely ladies here who eloped and later had a reception (and anyone else who might care to comment

). I''m not sure what I want to do so I need some help!
As of right now, I am planning a destination wedding in PR for February 12, 2011, so yes, still quite some time away. For practical reasons, however, we have been seriously considering just going to city hall or running away to Vegas just the two of us waaaayyyy sooner than that. I would marry my guy tomorrow, but I do get a little sad at the thought of not having the wedding I started to plan. My mom has suggested that we still have the reception in PR and we could make it a renewal of vows and a celebration with our family and friends. I don''t know how I feel about that. I know that some of you ladies here have done that, so my question is how did you feel? I feel like the day that would be special to me is the day that I actually marry my FI and I can''t imagine spending so much money, time, and effort in planning the reception if I''m not even going to be married on that day. I think that I would feel like a farce...the thing is, I know some people here have done that and I didn''t think they were farces, lol, but I don''t know, I don''t think I would feel right. I''m confused, I don''t know what to do. I want to be married but I don''t want to regret it later on. I haven''t been the one to fantasize about my wedding since I was a little girl, but I have looked forward to my wedding dress (the dress I like so far is an Anne Barge and I can''t imagine spending so much money on a dress for a party, if I''m not going to get married in it, not to mention that I think I would feel silly in a wedding dress if I have already been married for a year!). Am I being silly? I don''t know what to do because my SO doesn''t care either way, so he''s no help!

Thanks ladies!

 

[trillionaire]

no good advice, I just wanted to say that I feel your pain! I plan to elope, but have no idea what the reception should be like... a big party? A renewal with the wedding dress and all the trimmings? Something in-between? Sooooo confusing!

 

[MishB]

I would feel exactly the same in your situation. We eloped, and had a party back home afterwards, but it was a party, not a wedding reception. No cake, no dress, no prepared speeches and absolutely no gift registry.

 

[katamari]

We kinda went this route, but we did a very small DW (5 guests + us) and then a larger reception at home. I actually expected to feel like the reception was our "real" wedding and thought about it that way the entire time during prep. It wasn''t that I didn''t feel like the DW would be meaningful, I just thought I would get the "wedding" feeling from the reception because that is where the food, cake, family & friends, etc. would be. However, in retrospect, the DW felt like my wedding and the reception was a really nice and fun party. I think if you are already worried it might not feel special for you there is a chance it won''t, however, I felt the opposite from how I expected to feel when it was all said and done (though in line with how you expect to feel). I am not sure if this helps or not, but I would certainly answer more questions for you if you felt it would help.

 

[Gleam]

Do people bring gifts to the at-home reception? I don''t get that part.

 

[katamari]

Date: 10/19/2009 1:33:47 PM
Author: Gleam
Do people bring gifts to the at-home reception? I don''t get that part.

I think it depends on the couple. I think most guests want to give gifts to celebrate the relationship and are going to, though, unless the couple specifically requests no gifts.

For us, DH and I are in our early 30s and have been together for 10 years (first marriage for each of us), and we asked (through the grapevine and our website) for people to make donations to two charities in lieu of gifts. But, even despite this, lots of people gave us gifts. In fact, most both made donations and gave us gifts, too. There was an incredible range from modest to generous, more so than is the norm in either of our families. However, I have also been to/heard of at-home receptions where there were no gifts or just as elaborate of gifts as if there was a traditional wedding.

 

[hisdiamondgirl]

Thanks for the replies ladies! I am so torn up about this! I really really want to just be married already, and given some of the circumstances in our lives right now, it would almost be irresponsible not to get married as soon as possible.

trill -- whoa, we definitely feel each other''s pain! For me it wouldn''t even be an at home reception after the elopement, it would be a destination fake wedding lol... (we can''t do it at home because then we would have to invite waaaayyy too many people and it would really turn into a circus!) I really would like to do the cake and dress thing but will I feel like it''s all a big joke!?!??! Ahhh, I don''t know.

mishB -- Doing it that way sounds lovely, but like I said, if we did it locally, it would be huge and I definitely don''t want that. On the other hand, it probably doesn''t make sense to have a destination "party"!!!!

katamari -- Thanks for chiming in! I do have some questions...about fashion

What did you wear to elope? Did you wear a wedding dress for your reception? Did you use regular wedding invites? I''m not worried about gifts as we already live together and can fend for ourselves, but I did kind of assume that people would give gifts anyway.

Another wrench was thrown in...FI''s mom was grilling him about marriage yesterday and when he mentioned that we might just elope or have a small destination wedding, she was very upset!!! We are definitely NOT having anything over a 50 person destination wedding. First of all, we are paying for it all ourselves and while I probably could afford something a little bigger, I can find many many other ways to spend my money than on a huge wedding! Second, we just want to share with the people we are closest to, no one else!!!! We talked about eloping but not telling anybody and having the wedding in Feb 2011 as planned...I think I would feel really bad doing that, but what do you think? Would doing that make me a bad person???

Thx!!!

 

[honey22]

I think if you are going to have a destination party, you might as well get married there legally. For a few reasons, it will be your actual wedding day and more special. And also for your guests who have travelled, they might feel a little jibbed that you are already married KWIM?

 

[wannaBMrsH]

We had a DW including a reception and it was great! We had 42 guests plus us and we loved it.

I respect everyone''s decision to celebrate their marriage anyway that they see fit as long as they are honest and upfront about it. If you sell the DW as your wedding and guests later find out you were already married, they might feel manipulated. This happed to DH and me and we STILL haven''t gotten over it (happened over a year and a half ago). We''ve been invited to birthday parties, cookouts, etc., and always come up with an excuse not to go to this couple''s events.

I feel that sending invitations to share your special day is a big honor and to discover that you didn''t want us at your special day, but you are okay with us spending money to go to your "re-enactment" is not cool. Please don''t read that as, "Don''t do it", read it as "Be Honest."

We were recently invited to a wedding celebration in the Bahamas over New Years. The groom sent us an email, letting us know that he is beyond excited to share the news that his GF accepted his proposal of marriage. They are having an intimate ceremony in New York City (where the bride is from) and would like us to attend their celebration in December. We already booked our travel and I am thinking of what to give the bride and groom.

Both couples were married before the DW, but they handled it differently and so our feelings are different. We decided not to worry about that and had only one wedding, in the Dominican Republic.

That''s my two cents...let us know what you decide.

 

[katamari]

Date: 10/19/2009 4:30:34 PM
Author: hisdiamondgirl

katamari -- Thanks for chiming in! I do have some questions...about fashion

What did you wear to elope? Did you wear a wedding dress for your reception? Did you use regular wedding invites? I''m not worried about gifts as we already live together and can fend for ourselves, but I did kind of assume that people would give gifts anyway.

I think I would feel really bad doing that, but what do you think? Would doing that make me a bad person???

Np. We were actually married twice, once at the DW and then the day of the at-home reception after the DW at the state courthouse. At the DW, I totally wore my wedding dress. I had it altered to be simpler, and picked a rather plain dress from the start. But, it was my style and had my style been puff, tulle, and glitz, I would have worn that, too. I just wore a simple but cute dress to the courthouse and then wore my wedding dress and had a reception dress for the party (I have a bit of a fashion obsession, what can I say). We sent quasi traditional invites in the sense of wording, but they were quite unique. You can see them
here if you are interested.

I have to agree with WannaBMrsH that you need to be fully honest about whether your trip would be for a DW or a post-marriage celebration. DH and I did not even feel comfortable having the courthouse wedding before the DW (or having the reception without legally filing the papers at the courthouse since our DW made our marriage only legal in South America).

Any chance you could move the DW up? Or is there a reason why you would get married here now but there later? If you really are only inviting a handful of guests, it might be possible to arrange it with relatively little notice.

 

[hisdiamondgirl]

Hey guys, sorry I didn''t respond sooner, but the thread got buried pretty quickly and I didn''t notice that there were new responses.

Thanks for your advice. I agree with being honest. I would not be comfortable pretending that I am getting married if I am already married. I asked because a few people mentioned it and I wanted to get your guys'' take on it! The only reason we would have even considered that was because of FMIL''s comments, but really would you rather your son have health insurance or a wedding!!! (My SO has his own business and cannot afford health insurance right now...it is very scary knowing that any little thing that happens to him could basically bankrupt us

so that is why we are considering just eloping so that I can put him on my health plan at work, I mean we are getting married anyway, so why delay it!?!?!?!) But, on the other hand, I think I would be kinda sad not having at least a small wedding with our closest friends and family!

Katamari--your pictures are beautiful! Congrats! Maybe we could pull off something like you did.
MRs H -- I hear ya on what you went through with that couple and I wouldn''t want anybody to be mad at us! We probably are not going to do that anyway.

Maybe I''ll look into moving the wedding up and having it in like 6 months or something, I just didn''t want to be stressed out with planning something in a short period of time...hmmm, maybe we''ll cut the guest list!

 

[dodgercpkl]

I haven''t done this yet, but this is in essence what we are doing. We have a bit of a different situation though, which really lends itself to this type of thing.

I am a US citizen and my fiancee isn''t. We are planning to live in the US, which means we have to go through immigration one way or another. We are in the process of a fiancee visa right now. When we get approved for that, we''ll have 90 days to get married. I don''t even want to THINK about planning a wedding in 90 days tbh, so what we are going to do is have a civil ceremony as soon as he gets here (hopefully in Feb/Mar 2010), with a vow renewal or "official" wedding later in the year. This makes it so much easier to plan and I still get the wedding I''ve always dreamed of and can share it with not just my family but his as well.

I don''t feel bad about doing this at all because of all the unknowns in our situation. Dealing with the US Government is never easy or fast and I don''t want to mess something up or end up spending more money then we have trying to plan it in that 3 month window.

Everyone I''ve talked to about it thinks it''s a great compromise, etc. Call it a vow renewal or a wedding blessing or a wedding celebration. I honestly don''t think anyone will begrudge you your day.