E-ring cost causing tension?

[NewEnglandLady]

Date: 5/4/2009 1:36:05 PM
Author: brooklyngirl

Date: 5/4/2009 12:47:58 PM
Author: LaurenThePartier

Date: 5/4/2009 9:30:12 AM

Author: Bliss

I don''t think you should feel guilty unless you''re expecting a ring he can''t afford. The whole point of an e-ring isn''t for a man to get the easiest, cheapest thing that he stumbles across. It''s to symbolize something very special. It''s a token of a man''s willingness to put another person before him: his future wife.


If a man isn''t willing to save up a little, learn to sacrifice his toys and put some thought into a token representing your futures together - what kind of a husband is he going to be? Part of marriage is learning to put someone else first and to try to understand what is important to the other person. It sounds like your boyfriend is VERY understanding and does want to make you happy. You are lucky!


But again, if this is something he cannot afford - it would be a totally different story. In this economy, a lot of men are hesitant to drop a large sum of cash on jewelry and that is understandable if that''s your financial situation. E-rings are about the couple and if DH hadn''t been able to afford a nice e-ring, I would have found something that represented us while staying in our budget. Eternity bands make great e-rings, for example! Granted, some men do not ''get'' jewelry. But if you LOVE jewelry, then he should get YOU. No one''s doomed to live a life of regret or wistfulness, now is the start of a healthy relationship involving compromise. Maybe you have to compromise, too. Maybe he has to open his eyes a bit. Don''t be crestfallen! Think of it as an exercise in couples communication.

I like most of your post, Bliss, but disagree with the highlighted section simply because you''ve left out the other half of the relationship. What is she sacrificing for him? We, as women, aren''t expected to lay out any funds when it comes to getting engaged, and yet no one asks what kind of wife we''ll be because of it.

Just food for thought since we''re all so E-ring focused here, and women aren''t expected to sacrifice a thing (monetarily) during this process.

I have to disagree with the bolded statement. While women aren''t expected to sacrifice anything financially, they are expected to sacrifice emotionally, as we see in many threads on this board. In addition to that, we see lots of threads here where women want to contribute but their SOs are somehow offended and emasculated by the idea.

Many couples on this board live together for extended periods of time prior to engagement/marriage, so the man in question can see what kind of person he''s living with. The women OTOH don''t have the ring/commitment, and are out on a limb.

But women put themselves out on that limb--a woman shouldn''t think she deserves money spent on her because she decided to live with a man.

In my opinion the e-ring should be a joint financial decision and it should not be financially painful. D and I had very different ideas of what a ring should cost (him=$$$$, me=$) and we came to a decision together that was a small percentage of his savings. The bottom line is that a married couple makes financial decisions together and I wanted for us to come to a compromise that 1.) Made us both happy and 2.) Did not jeopardize our more important financial goals

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 5/4/2009 2:30:16 PM
Author: LaurenThePartier

That''s why I said monetarily. There are a million emotional sacrifices LIWs choose to make, but it''s not something that''s shoved upon them by society like the inevitable purchase of a high priced piece of jewelry is shoved upon a man thanks to innumerable movies, TV shows, and bridal mags.

It''s the LIW''s choice to live with someone before getting engaged. It doesn''t have to be done, and who says that''s a sacrifice anyway? If it''s really a sacrifice, you have no one to blame but yourself for doing it, IMO. I loved living with my DH while we were just dating - but if I had REALLY wanted the commitment before moving in with him, I would have drawn the line.

If a woman wants to contribute money to an engagement ring, why not instead suggest an engagement gift for you both? Ring for you, HDTV or motorcycle for him?

If men knew they were to have a gift reciprocated, maybe they''d propose sooner. But, perhaps if women knew they had to make a large purchase to get engaged, they wouldn''t be so quick to jump on the engagement bandwagon.

Oh man. If FF knew a motorcycle was in the cards we''d be married with 5 kids by now.

 

[sammyj]

Date: 5/4/2009 2:32:23 PM
Author: elledizzy5

Date: 5/4/2009 2:30:16 PM
Author: LaurenThePartier

That''s why I said monetarily. There are a million emotional sacrifices LIWs choose to make, but it''s not something that''s shoved upon them by society like the inevitable purchase of a high priced piece of jewelry is shoved upon a man thanks to innumerable movies, TV shows, and bridal mags.

It''s the LIW''s choice to live with someone before getting engaged. It doesn''t have to be done, and who says that''s a sacrifice anyway? If it''s really a sacrifice, you have no one to blame but yourself for doing it, IMO. I loved living with my DH while we were just dating - but if I had REALLY wanted the commitment before moving in with him, I would have drawn the line.

If a woman wants to contribute money to an engagement ring, why not instead suggest an engagement gift for you both? Ring for you, HDTV or motorcycle for him?

If men knew they were to have a gift reciprocated, maybe they''d propose sooner. But, perhaps if women knew they had to make a large purchase to get engaged, they wouldn''t be so quick to jump on the engagement bandwagon.

Oh man. If FF knew a motorcycle was in the cards we''d be married with 5 kids by now.

Ha! Same here. We''ve talked many times about an engagement gift for him but we decided to wait due to our living situation (helllooooo puppy when we finally have a yard!

). To further address the uneven [money] contribution debate, according to my FI''s spreadsheet, I''ll be contributing more to our wedding savings - approximately how much he paid for my ring (although I don''t know how much it actually cost), which I am more than ok with because: 1) I make 130% more than he does, and 2) I have expensive taste! So it doesn''t always have to be as lopsided as is being portrayed...

EyeElle, bottom line is that your BF''s mom needs to butt out. Your BF is an adult who is capable of making adult decisions. If he decides in the long run that he wants to spend less on your e-ring, then he can still get you the ring of your dreams for a lesser price by doing some research (on PS, of course!). There are always options, but in the end it''s HIS money that he''s spending NOT his mother''s.

 

[EyeElle]

I have suggested to him that I can contribute to the cost, but he doesn''t like that idea.

His mom isn''t involved much in our lives - we live in different towns and only see each other a few times a year. They are close but he doesn''t take direction from her. But her comments can come across negative, even if it was just something she through out there. To him its nothing, but I see it differently.

It never bothered me much before, because I was confident that financially he are good, and he was happy with it and didn''t think anything of it ... untill now. I did talk to him about it, he says the same thing, its what you want and you will have it.

I did tell him not to bring up the cost anymore, especially comments from his mom because it does make me not want it. And he agreed, he said that she doesn''t mean anything by it, its just how she is. She is the type of woman who doesn''t wear jewelry of any sort, not even her own engagement ring or wedding band.

We will see how things progress once we move even further into this ring process.

Thanks for taking the time to reply and for your inputs!

 

[tyty333]

I felt a little guilty my FF was spending so much on an e-ring even though it was way within his budget...so for a wedding band I just
bought a simple plat band (around $100 10 years ago) and used that for my wedding band. However, I never really wore it again
after the ceremony. I just wore my e-ring. I didnt care what other people thought. Ring on the left hand ring finger means you
are taken either way. Just recently for our 10 year anniversary I got my wedding band (which I love)!

Another story...this happened to a friend of mine. After about 15 years of marriage she upgraded her e-ring to about twice the
size of what she had. When her MIL saw it she commented that she shouldnt be making her son have to spend his hard earned
money on something like that (the diamond ring). The son was standing right there and said, "Mom, she makes more money than I do."
Which wasnt true (he made more!) Wasnt that just the sweetest way to stick up for your wife? I love that!

 

[D&T]

Date: 5/4/2009 6:43:15 PM
Author: tyty333
I felt a little guilty my FF was spending so much on an e-ring even though it was way within his budget...so for a wedding band I just
bought a simple plat band (around $100 10 years ago) and used that for my wedding band. However, I never really wore it again
after the ceremony. I just wore my e-ring. I didnt care what other people thought. Ring on the left hand ring finger means you
are taken either way. Just recently for our 10 year anniversary I got my wedding band (which I love)!

Another story...this happened to a friend of mine. After about 15 years of marriage she upgraded her e-ring to about twice the
size of what she had. When her MIL saw it she commented that she shouldnt be making her son have to spend his hard earned
money on something like that (the diamond ring). The son was standing right there and said, ''Mom, she makes more money than I do.''
Which wasnt true (he made more!) Wasnt that just the sweetest way to stick up for your wife? I love that!

ahhhh what a great GUY!

 

[princesss]

For your sanity, have your FF memorize the phrase, "I appreciate your input _______, but we''re going to do what''s right for us."

If he''s paying cash and can easily afford what you want, I don''t get why the negativity is coming up now. He knew before that he could have put that money towards a house, and he still set himself a budget for a ring that would make you happy. I''d be pretty hurt by the change in his comments about the ring.

 

[Bliss]

Date: 5/4/2009 12:47:58 PM
Author: LaurenThePartier

Date: 5/4/2009 9:30:12 AM

Author: Bliss

I don't think you should feel guilty unless you're expecting a ring he can't afford. The whole point of an e-ring isn't for a man to get the easiest, cheapest thing that he stumbles across. It's to symbolize something very special. It's a token of a man's willingness to put another person before him: his future wife.


If a man isn't willing to save up a little, learn to sacrifice his toys and put some thought into a token representing your futures together - what kind of a husband is he going to be? Part of marriage is learning to put someone else first and to try to understand what is important to the other person. It sounds like your boyfriend is VERY understanding and does want to make you happy. You are lucky!


But again, if this is something he cannot afford - it would be a totally different story. In this economy, a lot of men are hesitant to drop a large sum of cash on jewelry and that is understandable if that's your financial situation. E-rings are about the couple and if DH hadn't been able to afford a nice e-ring, I would have found something that represented us while staying in our budget. Eternity bands make great e-rings, for example! Granted, some men do not 'get' jewelry. But if you LOVE jewelry, then he should get YOU. No one's doomed to live a life of regret or wistfulness, now is the start of a healthy relationship involving compromise. Maybe you have to compromise, too. Maybe he has to open his eyes a bit. Don't be crestfallen! Think of it as an exercise in couples communication.

I like most of your post, Bliss, but disagree with the highlighted section simply because you've left out the other half of the relationship. What is she sacrificing for him? We, as women, aren't expected to lay out any funds when it comes to getting engaged, and yet no one asks what kind of wife we'll be because of it.

Just food for thought since we're all so E-ring focused here, and women aren't expected to sacrifice a thing (monetarily) during this process.

Howdy, Lauren!

I think in traditional terms, because women DO sacrifice a great great deal in getting engaged. She is giving the man the best years of her life, her precious (once in a lifetime) biological years and in most cases, willing to carry their child or children. In traditional terms, the e-ring is a man's token showing the woman that is able to provide for her, to give her an honorable commitment during her eligible years and ultimately it is a romantic gift.

That is, people can make their own traditions. So if some ask whether women should also put in a financial stake up front on top of what I mentioned, then sure! Why not? Then maybe to go further, there is no need for an e-ring in those cases, if you're going to pick and choose from the tradition buffet line. Many people don't even need a wedding these days, for that matter. But many do. Since we're talking about an e-ring, we're assuming SOME traditions, right?

Some people value tradition for the deeper meaning it represents and some feel that in these days, the woman should also ante up financially. But I believe in these changing times, women do contribute financially. We are powerful in society and high-earners to boot. We are highly skilled and highly educated. We bring earning potential and capital to the relationship. Hey, to put it in modern terms, the man is courting a CEO for his household. Even CEOs get big signing bonuses in good faith. LOL.