E-ring cost causing tension?

[EyeElle]

Hey All,

Do any of you have moments when you feel guilty about the cost of an engagement ring??

This is starting to slowly hit me because my SO''s parents have made it perfectly clear that they think spending thousands on a ring is crazy and instead that money should be put on down payment. (even though we are not even looking to buy a house)
This in turn has gotten my SO thinking more about it and he has been agreeing with his parents more and more, but always adding "but i want to make you happy and am willing to spend that much to give you something you love"
It is slowly making me feel guilty and annoyed with the whole thing.

Anyone have any experience with this? Opinions? views?

 

[AprilBaby]

Not at all, it''s a lifetime ring, not something just for fancy occasions.

 

[Treasure43]

Date: 5/3/2009 8:33:31 PM
Author:EyeElle
Hey All,


Do any of you have moments when you feel guilty about the cost of an engagement ring??


This is starting to slowly hit me because my SO's parents have made it perfectly clear that they think spending thousands on a ring is crazy and instead that money should be put on down payment. (even though we are not even looking to buy a house)

This in turn has gotten my SO thinking more about it and he has been agreeing with his parents more and more, but always adding 'but i want to make you happy and am willing to spend that much to give you something you love'

It is slowly making me feel guilty and annoyed with the whole thing.


Anyone have any experience with this? Opinions? views?

I've had moments where I feel guilty that FF will be spending money on an engagement ring. I've offered to help but he wants it to be all his money. However, it's something I'll wear for the rest of my life and the represents him asking me to spend the rest of our lives together so it has a special meaning.

Have you two been shopping or is there just a general figure you both have in your heads on how much he should/will spend? It sounds like you've picked something out or have a general price range in mind.

It's each couple's individual choice how much to spend on a ring. Personally I think spending 10K+ on an an engagement ring is absurd but that's my personal preference because I can think of better things to put money toward. Though I know how it is when your SO's parents get involved in financial issues. It can be a bit tricky. At the end of the day, it's up to your SO how much he wants to spend on your e-ring but I can see where his parents wanting him to put the money towards a house (that you're not looking to buy) could be frustrating to you. I've learned the hard way to keep my SO's parents out of our financial business if at all possible. I love them dearly but it is OUR life and financial issues are ALWAYS tricky.

I don't know what more to tell you without more specifics about what's going on. But I wish you the best I'd consider sitting down with your SO and talking with him about this if it is really frustrating you.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 5/3/2009 8:33:31 PM
Author:EyeElle
Hey All,

Do any of you have moments when you feel guilty about the cost of an engagement ring??

This is starting to slowly hit me because my SO''s parents have made it perfectly clear that they think spending thousands on a ring is crazy and instead that money should be put on down payment. (even though we are not even looking to buy a house)
This in turn has gotten my SO thinking more about it and he has been agreeing with his parents more and more, but always adding ''but i want to make you happy and am willing to spend that much to give you something you love''
It is slowly making me feel guilty and annoyed with the whole thing.

Anyone have any experience with this? Opinions? views?

depends on how much you are expecting him to spend on the e-ring.

 

[Still_Waiting]

Date: 5/3/2009 10:58:18 PM
Author: Dancing Fire
depends on how much you are expecting him to spend on the e-ring.

I''d say it''d depend more on the percentage of available funds more than an absolute dollar amount. A $5K ring is nothing if your SO is making $100K+/year with none or minimal debt (no mortgage payment or added costs of owning a home...all those little things add up!). If your SO makes $40K (with or without debt), then it''d be a different story. It''s all relative and personal, IMHO.

 

[CravingDiamonds]

I say it is your SO''s choice and not to be mean but you really don''t have a say in it either. I guess I am old-fashioned. If he can only afford to spend $3000 for the ring, then that is all he should spend. I don''t believe in going into debt and having to pay off an engagement ring after you are already married. I think it is silly with all the nice rings and diamonds that you can find that are not that expensive.

 

[brooklyngirl]

There''s no reason to feel guilty just because someone else would spend SO''s money differently. This is exactly the reason that the cost of your e-ring should be between you and your SO.

If you would rather spend the money on an e-ring, please tell your SO in no uncertain terms that his is what you want. His parents'' opinions have no place in private decisions made between a couple.

 

[gwendolyn]

Date: 5/3/2009 8:33:31 PM
Author:EyeElle
Hey All,


Do any of you have moments when you feel guilty about the cost of an engagement ring??


This is starting to slowly hit me because my SO's parents have made it perfectly clear that they think spending thousands on a ring is crazy and instead that money should be put on down payment. (even though we are not even looking to buy a house)

This in turn has gotten my SO thinking more about it and he has been agreeing with his parents more and more, but always adding 'but i want to make you happy and am willing to spend that much to give you something you love'

It is slowly making me feel guilty and annoyed with the whole thing.


Anyone have any experience with this? Opinions? views?

He's "agreeing with his parents more and more" about what exactly--that it's (potentially) a lot of money to spend on a piece of jewelry, or that you should be putting that money towards a house?

My fiance and I have been together for about 4 1/2 years, and have talked seriously about engagement rings for 2-2 1/2 years. At first, he thought we could just hop out to the store one day and pick up an engagement ring with whatever money he happened to have in his pocket (as in, not even enough to buy a plain silver band, let alone a diamond anything). I explained how much diamond rings can cost, and he didn't get it, at ALL. Got a little miffed at me for wanting something so expensive and (as he sees it, useless). on some level, I agreed with him, because it *is* a lot of money to spend on something frivolous, but explained how much it meant to me by what it symbolized, and add that to the fact that it would be a one-time purchase and I love diamonds and this was the one piece of diamond jewelery I wanted, he started to see MY point of view. Although we got engaged with an heirloom ring that cost us nothing, we will get my ring, and he is determined that I get exactly what I want because he now gets how much it means to me, even if he doesn't really get the desire itself.

I suppose my point to you is that there will always be 'other things' on which you can spend your money: practical things, like houses, cars, roofing, garage doors, furniture, washing machines, bills, etc., AND fun things, like video games, computers, vacations, alcohol, parties, hobbies. You will constantly have to make choices and prioritize which purchases are important and when you should make them. It's perfectly ok to want an engagement ring! But it's also perfectly ok to not want one, or not want one yet, or want a small one now and a bigger one later, or to use the money saved for one on something else and use an old ring like we did. It's all about what you guys want and what you think the smartest way to be with your money is.

It's true that it *is* a good time to buy a house, but would you want to do that before being engaged? These are things to discuss between the two of you, so stick to your guns and don't let anyone else (parent or no) tell you how to spend your money when you decide what you want to do with it. Engagement rings are important to me--well, now, to us--and we will get one when OUR priorities allow us to. I think it'd be a good idea for you guys to figure out your priorities, start acting/saving accordingly, and stop feeling guilty.

 

[bee*]

When we were getting ours, D told me the budget that he was comfortable with and that''s what I worked with. I think provided that you''re getting what your Fi can afford and you''re not going into debt for it, then I wouldn''t feel guilty.

 

[Rhea]

We discussed a budget and the ring that we bought was within that budget. We split the wedding, engagement, visa, and honeymoon costs. It ended up that DH had no more out of pocket than I did. He just happened to do the actual bank transfer for the engagement ring.

 

[jcarlylew]

for us it was about setting a budget. I think (imo, at least) to help avoid that specific tension is to be honest with each other about the cost. What part of the ring is more important, and where can you compromise? You''d be surprised when the conversation can lead you (positively!)

we had set a budget (a bit higher than our normal range because we already had a stone). It really helped with choosing which settings i really loved, versus the ones i just thought i did because of name alone. I wound up liking a setting that was way under budget, and E wound up loving a setting that was just under budget. go figure!

good luck!

 

[Bliss]

I don't think you should feel guilty unless you're expecting a ring he can't afford. The whole point of an e-ring isn't for a man to get the easiest, cheapest thing that he stumbles across. It's to symbolize something very special. It's a token of a man's willingness to put another person before him: his future wife.

If a man isn't willing to save up a little, learn to sacrifice his toys and put some thought into a token representing your futures together - what kind of a husband is he going to be? Part of marriage is learning to put someone else first and to try to understand what is important to the other person. It sounds like your boyfriend is VERY understanding and does want to make you happy. You are lucky!

But again, if this is something he cannot afford - it would be a totally different story. In this economy, a lot of men are hesitant to drop a large sum of cash on jewelry and that is understandable if that's your financial situation. E-rings are about the couple and if DH hadn't been able to afford a nice e-ring, I would have found something that represented us while staying in our budget. Eternity bands make great e-rings, for example! Granted, some men do not "get" jewelry. But if you LOVE jewelry, then he should get YOU. No one's doomed to live a life of regret or wistfulness, now is the start of a healthy relationship involving compromise. Maybe you have to compromise, too. Maybe he has to open his eyes a bit. Don't be crestfallen! Think of it as an exercise in couples communication.

 

[ckrickett]

With this economy how it is, the housing market how it is I can understand if that''s why he came to that conclusion. But it sounds like he is letting his parents make up his mind for him.
This is a decision with both of you and I think you should talk to him about what this ring means to you, forget what his parents think, he is a big boy. My SO is having a hard time grasping the subject, so we found a little solution.

I''m Fine with being proposed to w/out a ring. I told him just do it when it feels right and we can wait, decide on a budget (he gave me a LOW estimate, we spend more on nerd gear then what he wants to spend) But I figure of we wait till I get a better job or see how things go financially I can wait. Thats how we overcame the arguing and tension, and I had to literally duct tape his cute little ass down to a chair so he could listen to my emotional "irrational" (in his mind) woman dribble.

I''d say talk to him, let him know it means alot to you, what it symbolizes, that it is a one time purchase.... blah blah blah (you know until you upgrade

) and then go from there.
Some men don''t understand jewelry, that''s why God created woman, to beat some sense into them!

 

[suchende]

If you are struggling with feelings of guilt, I would listen to that. There are so many alternatives to an expensive ring: getting a gemstone/synthetic stone that you later replace with a diamond, getting a smaller stone, getting a lower clarity and color stone that you later upgrade (there are some aweome I1s out there!), shopping on the secondary market... If it''s all wrapped up in stress and tension and unhappy feelings, it will taint the ring.

 

[Miscka]

I was feeling this way, for different reasons. My DH (never really engaged so no ering yet) wanted to buy me a really nice ring, but I was uncomfortable with him spending that much. But a ring is really important to me, if I am honest with myself (and him).

What we have decided, is that we will buy a really awesome stone now, and spend about 3/4 of what we had discussed. Next year, when things are much more settled for us $$-wise, we will get the setting of my dreams. I am happy about this, because I am indecisive and this way I get to know my stone and REALLY think about what I want to set it in.

It is hard not to feel bratty about that much money, at least to me. I hope that you and your FF figure something out that works for you. GOod luck!

 

[purrfectpear]

The key to the entire discussion is the word "afford".

Afford doesn''t mean how much can he get financed for, or how low are the monthly payments.

Afford means how much CASH can he afford to pay for a ring without impacting other bills/responsibilities.

C-A-S-H...as in completely paid for, no charging, no payments.

If he has $2K you get a $2K ring, if he has $5K you get a 5K ring. No charging ladies.

 

[sba771]

My FI''s mom had something to say and my mom was a tad shocked that it cost more than her first house. I just smiled and said well you raised a very generous son and that kind of made her stop. I also think, as long as he is paying cash (no debt for a ring) and it is his money, he can do what he pleases with it.

 

[LadyBlue]

Date: 5/4/2009 9:30:12 AM
Author: Bliss
I don''t think you should feel guilty unless you''re expecting a ring he can''t afford. The whole point of an e-ring isn''t for a man to get the easiest, cheapest thing that he stumbles across. It''s to symbolize something very special. It''s a token of a man''s willingness to put another person before him: his future wife.


If a man isn''t willing to save up a little, learn to sacrifice his toys and put some thought into a token representing your futures together - what kind of a husband is he going to be? Part of marriage is learning to put someone else first and to try to understand what is important to the other person. It sounds like your boyfriend is VERY understanding and does want to make you happy. You are lucky!


But again, if this is something he cannot afford - it would be a totally different story. In this economy, a lot of men are hesitant to drop a large sum of cash on jewelry and that is understandable if that''s your financial situation. E-rings are about the couple and if DH hadn''t been able to afford a nice e-ring, I would have found something that represented us while staying in our budget. Eternity bands make great e-rings, for example! Granted, some men do not ''get'' jewelry. But if you LOVE jewelry, then he should get YOU. No one''s doomed to live a life of regret or wistfulness, now is the start of a healthy relationship involving compromise. Maybe you have to compromise, too. Maybe he has to open his eyes a bit. Don''t be crestfallen! Think of it as an exercise in couples communication.

I can not agree more with Bliss.

 

[EyeElle]

Thank you for your responses, means alot.

To answer a few questions ...
In terms of affordability, he can afford it, no financing is needed, no borrowing of money, no debt nothing. He has a good job, and he has been saving so the money is there, he won''t have to take anything from his savings or elsewhere.

I picked out JUST the setting, not the size of the diamond, that is completely up to him, so I am not asking for a huge diamond. It is up to him if he wants to go .50 or 70 or 1 ct. I have no expectation and never gave me a budget of any sort.

He knew from day 1 that I wanted that specific setting (its a halo, so will be a few thousand) and he just said its yours end of story.
Its just lately his mother has been talking to him and what I mean by him starting to agree with her is that before he would say "i can see you love it so it is what i want to give you" or "your face lights up when you see it and I want you to be happy and so will get that" and that changed to "well it is expensive but if i have to get it I will" and "yes that money can be put elsewhere but i have to put it towards a ring"

I know its little changes in how he says things now, but clearly his mom is rubbing off of him. And like you said, suchende, its starting to taint things for me, I don''t want to look at my ring and all I can think about is the cost of it.

I have asked him many times if its too much, and if it is then I can find something else, to which he responds "no you want this one, and no other one will do"
But on the other hand if he thinks that way and its no matter for him the cost, he can''t keep on bringing up his mothers words because it does ruin things for me.

This things comes out of nowhere and thats why I am taking it a bit badly, if he told me right away then it wouldn''t of been an issue, i would of said ok and find something less expensive.

 

[Dreamgirl]

I''ve never felt guilty because as I always say, "A ring lasts longer than a car does"

FF ACTUALLY happens to agree with that, which is a good thing.

I can understand their concern for a down payment but I agree with the others. It all depends on his financial situation really.

My Mom thinks spending thousands on jewelry is crazy. But she doesn''t wear jewelry other than her wedding band and she knows how I am.

 

[brooklyngirl]

Honestly, I see a bigger problem here than guilt over a ring. Your FF is bringing his mother into parts of your relationship where she does not belong.

When you're married, will she be involved in other big decisions? Like when to have children, household budgeting, cars, houses, other money matters? Will you now have to make financial decisions with your husband *and* his mother?

 

[Treasure43]

Date: 5/4/2009 12:16:27 PM
Author: brooklyngirl
Honestly, I see a bigger problem here than guilt over a ring. Your FF is bringing his mother into parts of your relationship where she does not belong.

When you''re married, will she be involved in other big decisions? Like when to have children, household budgeting, cars, houses, other money matters? Will you now have to make financial decisions with your husband *and* his mother?

I have to a gree with brooklyngirl. The guilt over the ring isn''t the real issue here. He has the money for it and was WILLING and read to spend it. Until he let his mother influence his decision. Ultimatly it is HIS decision, not his mother''s. If you''re comfortable with it, I''d bring it up with your SO. When FF and I first started dating we had a bit of the same issue. I sat down with him and let him know that I wasn''t comfortable with his mother and father making big financial decisions in our lives for us. Ultimatly, it is OUR life and OUR decisions. It took some adjustment for him but he''s finally to the place where he''s able to make his own financial decisions (aka he''s a big boy ).

Really the ONLY thing that matters is what he thinks and what you think. Even advice from this board (which I will say is excellent advice) should not make or break ANY decision. It''s all about what is best for the two of you

 

[LaurenThePartier]

Date: 5/4/2009 9:30:12 AM
Author: Bliss
I don't think you should feel guilty unless you're expecting a ring he can't afford. The whole point of an e-ring isn't for a man to get the easiest, cheapest thing that he stumbles across. It's to symbolize something very special. It's a token of a man's willingness to put another person before him: his future wife.

If a man isn't willing to save up a little, learn to sacrifice his toys and put some thought into a token representing your futures together - what kind of a husband is he going to be? Part of marriage is learning to put someone else first and to try to understand what is important to the other person. It sounds like your boyfriend is VERY understanding and does want to make you happy. You are lucky!

But again, if this is something he cannot afford - it would be a totally different story. In this economy, a lot of men are hesitant to drop a large sum of cash on jewelry and that is understandable if that's your financial situation. E-rings are about the couple and if DH hadn't been able to afford a nice e-ring, I would have found something that represented us while staying in our budget. Eternity bands make great e-rings, for example! Granted, some men do not 'get' jewelry. But if you LOVE jewelry, then he should get YOU. No one's doomed to live a life of regret or wistfulness, now is the start of a healthy relationship involving compromise. Maybe you have to compromise, too. Maybe he has to open his eyes a bit. Don't be crestfallen! Think of it as an exercise in couples communication.

I like most of your post, Bliss, but disagree with the highlighted section simply because you've left out the other half of the relationship. What is she sacrificing for him? We, as women, aren't expected to lay out any funds when it comes to getting engaged, and yet no one asks what kind of wife we'll be because of it.

Just food for thought since we're all so E-ring focused here, and women aren't expected to sacrifice a thing (monetarily) during this process.

 

[D&T]

if you can afford it without making big sacrifices or go into debt for a ring, then I think it is your perogative, who cares what others think. have fun, and enjoy the ring shopping experience, Its stressful enough trying to get everything ready for a wedding let a long having someone bringing you down and making you feel guilty ... and congrats on this step.

 

[Circe]

Date: 5/4/2009 12:42:45 PM
Author: Treasure43

Date: 5/4/2009 12:16:27 PM

Author: brooklyngirl

Honestly, I see a bigger problem here than guilt over a ring. Your FF is bringing his mother into parts of your relationship where she does not belong.


When you''re married, will she be involved in other big decisions? Like when to have children, household budgeting, cars, houses, other money matters? Will you now have to make financial decisions with your husband *and* his mother?

I have to a gree with brooklyngirl. The guilt over the ring isn''t the real issue here. He has the money for it and was WILLING and read to spend it. Until he let his mother influence his decision. Ultimatly it is HIS decision, not his mother''s. If you''re comfortable with it, I''d bring it up with your SO. When FF and I first started dating we had a bit of the same issue. I sat down with him and let him know that I wasn''t comfortable with his mother and father making big financial decisions in our lives for us. Ultimatly, it is OUR life and OUR decisions. It took some adjustment for him but he''s finally to the place where he''s able to make his own financial decisions (aka he''s a big boy ).


Really the ONLY thing that matters is what he thinks and what you think. Even advice from this board (which I will say is excellent advice) should not make or break ANY decision. It''s all about what is best for the two of you

Scrolling down, I was hoping that someone would point this out ... well said, BrooklynGirl!

Relationship-wise, I''m kind of on the other side of the equation: my husband comes from a very well adjusted family, but I''m the only child in a very close-knit family. In previous relationships, I was guilty of occasionally casually saying, "You know, my mom/dad said ...." when whatever they said was in line with what I was feeling: it was like a free pass for criticism. See, *I* wasn''t calling the dude irresponsible, or whatever ... real impartial grownups were! This was, of course, bullshit of the highest ray serene, because, a) they were most definitely not impartial, and b) I was a grown-up, too, and I damned well needed to start acting like one.

Happily, I grew out of it. I don''t know if your FF is letting his parents say this to you directly (which is not acceptable by any standard: my parents may be opinionated, but I don''t think they would ever have dreamed of interfering directly), or if he''s first telling you what they say and then channeling it in his tone when the two of you speak alone, but either way, it''s not acceptable.

My recommendation? Talk to him about this directly, both about the fact that your relationship needs to be about *you,* and about the fact that if he''s changing his mind about the ring, that he needs to come out and say so instead of being passive-aggressive, because it''s starting to taint your joy in what should be a very happy process.

 

[ctwig1]

If it makes you feel good......just do it!

 

[jcarlylew]

Date: 5/4/2009 11:52:00 AM
Author: EyeElle


Its just lately his mother has been talking to him and what I mean by him starting to agree with her...

I know its little changes in how he says things now, but clearly his mom is rubbing off of him.

But on the other hand if he thinks that way and its no matter for him the cost, he can''t keep on bringing up his mothers words because it does ruin things for me.


... if he told me right away then it wouldn''t of been an issue, i would of said ok and find something less expensive.

sorry i had to edit a bit, so hopefully this will still make sense.
Should he still be talking to his mother? sure, its family and that will happen.
Does he need to let you know everything she says about the ring? nope.

Sometimes, ignorance is bliss, and causes less tension. I could only imagine how E would feel if he knew what my mother thought about us using MY diamond (from my gma) as the engagement stone

. Lets just say he would feel much like you are now - guilty for continuing on with a decisions that YOU TWO made as a couple.
Sit your man down, and tell him that he needs to tell you right now, what HIS thought is. not his mothers. If from there you two need to rethink the redesign, then so be it. But let it be both of your choices.

 

[brooklyngirl]

Date: 5/4/2009 12:47:58 PM
Author: LaurenThePartier

Date: 5/4/2009 9:30:12 AM

Author: Bliss

I don't think you should feel guilty unless you're expecting a ring he can't afford. The whole point of an e-ring isn't for a man to get the easiest, cheapest thing that he stumbles across. It's to symbolize something very special. It's a token of a man's willingness to put another person before him: his future wife.


If a man isn't willing to save up a little, learn to sacrifice his toys and put some thought into a token representing your futures together - what kind of a husband is he going to be? Part of marriage is learning to put someone else first and to try to understand what is important to the other person. It sounds like your boyfriend is VERY understanding and does want to make you happy. You are lucky!


But again, if this is something he cannot afford - it would be a totally different story. In this economy, a lot of men are hesitant to drop a large sum of cash on jewelry and that is understandable if that's your financial situation. E-rings are about the couple and if DH hadn't been able to afford a nice e-ring, I would have found something that represented us while staying in our budget. Eternity bands make great e-rings, for example! Granted, some men do not 'get' jewelry. But if you LOVE jewelry, then he should get YOU. No one's doomed to live a life of regret or wistfulness, now is the start of a healthy relationship involving compromise. Maybe you have to compromise, too. Maybe he has to open his eyes a bit. Don't be crestfallen! Think of it as an exercise in couples communication.

I like most of your post, Bliss, but disagree with the highlighted section simply because you've left out the other half of the relationship. What is she sacrificing for him? We, as women, aren't expected to lay out any funds when it comes to getting engaged, and yet no one asks what kind of wife we'll be because of it.

Just food for thought since we're all so E-ring focused here, and women aren't expected to sacrifice a thing (monetarily) during this process.

I have to disagree with the bolded statement. While women aren't expected to sacrifice anything financially, they are expected to sacrifice emotionally, as we see in many threads on this board. In addition to that, we see lots of threads here where women want to contribute but their SOs are somehow offended and emasculated by the idea.

Many couples on this board live together for extended periods of time prior to engagement/marriage, so the man in question can see what kind of person he's living with. The women OTOH don't have the ring/commitment, and are out on a limb.

 

[Circe]

Date: 5/4/2009 1:36:05 PM
Author: brooklyngirl

Date: 5/4/2009 12:47:58 PM

Author: LaurenThePartier

Date: 5/4/2009 9:30:12 AM


Author: Bliss


I don''t think you should feel guilty unless you''re expecting a ring he can''t afford. The whole point of an e-ring isn''t for a man to get the easiest, cheapest thing that he stumbles across. It''s to symbolize something very special. It''s a token of a man''s willingness to put another person before him: his future wife.



If a man isn''t willing to save up a little, learn to sacrifice his toys and put some thought into a token representing your futures together - what kind of a husband is he going to be? Part of marriage is learning to put someone else first and to try to understand what is important to the other person. It sounds like your boyfriend is VERY understanding and does want to make you happy. You are lucky!



But again, if this is something he cannot afford - it would be a totally different story. In this economy, a lot of men are hesitant to drop a large sum of cash on jewelry and that is understandable if that''s your financial situation. E-rings are about the couple and if DH hadn''t been able to afford a nice e-ring, I would have found something that represented us while staying in our budget. Eternity bands make great e-rings, for example! Granted, some men do not ''get'' jewelry. But if you LOVE jewelry, then he should get YOU. No one''s doomed to live a life of regret or wistfulness, now is the start of a healthy relationship involving compromise. Maybe you have to compromise, too. Maybe he has to open his eyes a bit. Don''t be crestfallen! Think of it as an exercise in couples communication.

I like most of your post, Bliss, but disagree with the highlighted section simply because you''ve left out the other half of the relationship. What is she sacrificing for him? We, as women, aren''t expected to lay out any funds when it comes to getting engaged, and yet no one asks what kind of wife we''ll be because of it.

Just food for thought since we''re all so E-ring focused here, and women aren''t expected to sacrifice a thing (monetarily) during this process.

I have to disagree with the bolded statement. While women aren''t expected to sacrifice anything financially, they are expected to sacrifice emotionally, as we see in many threads on this board. In addition to that, we see lots of threads here where women want to contribute but their SOs are somehow offended and emasculated by the idea.


Many couples on this board live together for extended periods of time prior to engagement/marriage, so the man in question can see what kind of person he''s living with. The women OTOH don''t have the ring/commitment, and are out on a limb.

And, one additional point to keep in mind ... we earn 70% of what men make (less, actually, since women tend to be encouraged to go into less lucrative fields), and yet, nevertheless, the idea of the "engagement present" for the guy is catching on. Before we shed a tear for the poor self-sacrificing gents, we might want to think about the contributing (or, not contributing, as the case may be) factors ....

 

[LaurenThePartier]

Date: 5/4/2009 1:36:05 PM
Author: brooklyngirl

Date: 5/4/2009 12:47:58 PM
Author: LaurenThePartier

Date: 5/4/2009 9:30:12 AM

Author: Bliss

I don''t think you should feel guilty unless you''re expecting a ring he can''t afford. The whole point of an e-ring isn''t for a man to get the easiest, cheapest thing that he stumbles across. It''s to symbolize something very special. It''s a token of a man''s willingness to put another person before him: his future wife.


If a man isn''t willing to save up a little, learn to sacrifice his toys and put some thought into a token representing your futures together - what kind of a husband is he going to be? Part of marriage is learning to put someone else first and to try to understand what is important to the other person. It sounds like your boyfriend is VERY understanding and does want to make you happy. You are lucky!


But again, if this is something he cannot afford - it would be a totally different story. In this economy, a lot of men are hesitant to drop a large sum of cash on jewelry and that is understandable if that''s your financial situation. E-rings are about the couple and if DH hadn''t been able to afford a nice e-ring, I would have found something that represented us while staying in our budget. Eternity bands make great e-rings, for example! Granted, some men do not ''get'' jewelry. But if you LOVE jewelry, then he should get YOU. No one''s doomed to live a life of regret or wistfulness, now is the start of a healthy relationship involving compromise. Maybe you have to compromise, too. Maybe he has to open his eyes a bit. Don''t be crestfallen! Think of it as an exercise in couples communication.

I like most of your post, Bliss, but disagree with the highlighted section simply because you''ve left out the other half of the relationship. What is she sacrificing for him? We, as women, aren''t expected to lay out any funds when it comes to getting engaged, and yet no one asks what kind of wife we''ll be because of it.

Just food for thought since we''re all so E-ring focused here, and women aren''t expected to sacrifice a thing (monetarily) during this process.

I have to disagree with the bolded statement. While women aren''t expected to sacrifice anything financially, they are expected to sacrifice emotionally, as we see in many threads on this board. In addition to that, we see lots of threads here where women want to contribute but their SOs are somehow offended and emasculated by the idea.

Many couples on this board live together for extended periods of time prior to engagement/marriage, so the man in question can see what kind of person he''s living with. The women OTOH don''t have the ring/commitment, and are out on a limb.

That''s why I said monetarily. There are a million emotional sacrifices LIWs choose to make, but it''s not something that''s shoved upon them by society like the inevitable purchase of a high priced piece of jewelry is shoved upon a man thanks to innumerable movies, TV shows, and bridal mags.

It''s the LIW''s choice to live with someone before getting engaged. It doesn''t have to be done, and who says that''s a sacrifice anyway? If it''s really a sacrifice, you have no one to blame but yourself for doing it, IMO. I loved living with my DH while we were just dating - but if I had REALLY wanted the commitment before moving in with him, I would have drawn the line.

If a woman wants to contribute money to an engagement ring, why not instead suggest an engagement gift for you both? Ring for you, HDTV or motorcycle for him?

If men knew they were to have a gift reciprocated, maybe they''d propose sooner. But, perhaps if women knew they had to make a large purchase to get engaged, they wouldn''t be so quick to jump on the engagement bandwagon.