Does your SO have friends of the opposite sex?

[iheartscience]

Date: 1/23/2008 9:26:45 PM
Author: diamondfan
This topic is interesting to me due to something that came up a couple of days ago...I do not want to thread jack here but it is sort of a related topic to this thread...not sure it warrants it own thread but I did have some mental wrestling about it.

Now you''ve piqued my interest...what''s the topic?!

 

[diamondfan]

Weellll...may not seem like a major issue but I am someone who overthinks things to death.

When I moved east I joined Classmates so I could be emailed about reunion information. Stayed a gold member but honestly rarely go on it. I am listed under my maiden name with my married name showing on my profile.

About a week ago I get an email from Classmates saying someone viewed my profile and left their name. You can visit anonymously, or you can leave your name. That is called signing the guestbook. I opened the link and saw that it was my ex boyfriend from the summer before college and into my first year of college. We were together about 1 and a half years, and I doubt I have seen him in over 20 years. It brought up some weird issues for me, he was my first really serious boyfriend, but at the end I broke up with him because he was ultra controlling and possessive. The issue? Part of me is very curious as to why he checked me out and wanted to make sure I would know it, after all of this time. And though I do not want to be friends or talk to him on the phone, I almost want to find out, though I am not sure it is worth bothering with. I think I am curious because he was a significant person for a period in my life where I was grieving for my dad and really did not have support from my mother, who was traveling all around and not home much, nor from my sister, who was and is a wretch of a person. I was starting college and really did not have a strong sense of me at all. It is almost like having the chance to peek back into yourself from a time long ago, which is interesting to me.

Not sure if hubby would like it or not, he is pretty confident and knows I love him, but this has never really come up. I am not sure what I would feel if the same happened to him, would I care if he just emailed the person and just caught up but did not sustain a friendship? I think he is aware of my character and trusts me, I am not interested in opening to door to anything really, just sort of more interested in some information that I did not feel I would ever have. Just not sure where I sit with it, how I feel, but definitely it brought up some weird stuff, since I could not say I have overall great memories. Some were good, but it did not end that well.

 

[iheartscience]

Wow, that is a weird situation. Huh...I don''t know how I''d handle that either. I''m a very curious person and it would just about kill me not knowing why he did that. But if he was controlling and possessive when you dated, he might still be that way. That is a tough one. I am also an over-analyzer and sometimes if I think about something like that long enough, I can get over wanting to know by just making myself sick of thinking about it. (Hopefully that last sentence made sense.)

Now that there''s MySpace and Facebook and all that, it''s almost impossible to not be able to read up on your exes and vice versa, unless you have a lot of willpower...which I admit, I don''t! Every now and then I get curious and check my exes'' pages...it could just be as innocent as that. However, the leaving his name does make it a little different. Guess I don''t have anything useful to say, but I understand the weird position you''re in!

 

[EricaR]

Date: 1/23/2008 9:26:45 PM
Author: diamondfan
This topic is interesting to me due to something that came up a couple of days ago...I do not want to thread jack here but it is sort of a related topic to this thread...not sure it warrants it own thread but I did have some mental wrestling about it.

Feel free to thread-jack away! Won''t hurt my feelings. I love all of the open discussion here.

 

[diamondfan]

Thanks!

While I do not think people necessarily change, he had a really tough childhood and his mom was not nice at all. Dad was not really in the picture in the beginning, they were not married and he did not make a presence for a while. As an adult, I would hope that someone in their 40''s is not like that anymore, has gotten their stuff together...but could not really say.

I do not have any other info on me other than on Classmates and it is minimal. No photos, etc.

He, however, is a really well known martial artist and actor, and has sites and stuff. So odd, he was into karate back in the day, but I always thought his hot head would land him in trouble. Never thought he would be well known in that world. I think he also has a kid, not sure how old, but do not think he is married.

I feel he might be waiting to see if I respond. He could have emailed, but after two plus decades might have been a bit wary. Is it bizarre to say, Hey, what is new? I am happily married and do not want to make more of this, but not sure you can email someone like that and have it end simply. Would not want him to have my personal email nor would I want to ever see him if I went back to California. That is why it is weird, since I definitely have a curious streak but not sure what it will accomplish.

 

[katebar]

A friend of mine contacted her ex fiance last year. Her motives were that she broke his heart when she left to go overseas and eventually met her ex husband (long story she should NEVER have married the other guy).
She had been on her own for a long time and one day after a few drinks her sister dared her to google him.
She did then we dared her to email him.
He replied pretty quickly and she basically apologised to him for hurting him so.
He ''forgave her'' and told her about his happy life of the last 25 years.
Whilst she was disappointed that surprise surprise he hadn''t waited for her she felt a peace and glad that the relationship finally had closure.
I guess adult rational people can communicate without anything bad happening *shrugs shoulder.*
However I remember the fundamental rule one of my couple therapy lecturers said in terms of male/female friendships when I person is married etc is: if you are in any way sexually or physically attracted to that person if you think you can play and flirt you are risking an affair big time. So her advice was never ever ever even have a coffee date with this person.
If you do you are playing with a potentially fiery situation.
I kind of agree with her and live my life this way

 

[diamondfan]

I agree...I think both parties need to be very honest and self aware in having deep friendships with the opposite sex while in a committed relationship. It can surely lead to problems otherwise.

I am not attracted to him or even the memory of him, because even though he was very good looking, the dramas and problems colored things at the end. It was also so long ago, he is part of my past and not someone I just met recently.

I am not unsentimental overall, but certainly would not be looking backwards toward him, of course I would only wish him well and am glad he seems to have success in his life, but certainly do not think we have places in each other''s lives for the future. I do not think back wistfully, just think about overall factual things, about me then and who he was too. Just seemed to be a weird occurance, especially since over the prior weekend, my sister (step, who is awesome, not my real sister with whom I do not talk) and I were talking about sororities with my niece who is the middle of rush at her school. My sorority experience had been marred by his jealousy and I was recounting some stuff to my sister and niece. A couple days later, boom, there is this email with his name in it, after so many years. It just seemed like a weird coincidence.

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 1/23/2008 11:20:54 PM
Author: diamondfan
Thanks!

While I do not think people necessarily change, he had a really tough childhood and his mom was not nice at all. Dad was not really in the picture in the beginning, they were not married and he did not make a presence for a while. As an adult, I would hope that someone in their 40's is not like that anymore, has gotten their stuff together...but could not really say.

I do not have any other info on me other than on Classmates and it is minimal. No photos, etc.

He, however, is a really well known martial artist and actor, and has sites and stuff. So odd, he was into karate back in the day, but I always thought his hot head would land him in trouble. Never thought he would be well known in that world. I think he also has a kid, not sure how old, but do not think he is married.

I feel he might be waiting to see if I respond. He could have emailed, but after two plus decades might have been a bit wary. Is it bizarre to say, Hey, what is new? I am happily married and do not want to make more of this, but not sure you can email someone like that and have it end simply. Would not want him to have my personal email nor would I want to ever see him if I went back to California. That is why it is weird, since I definitely have a curious streak but not sure what it will accomplish.

Caroline, I guess it depends on what he is like today. Do you think he is still controlling? If it was me and we broke up on happy terms then I am more likely to be happy for him and would probably respond with a quick note. I personally don't like to talk to ex's that were mean, weird, etc. In fact I saw this guy who wanted to marry be but I didn't feel the same way and it resulted in a very bad break up. I saw him out with some girl waiting for a seat at a restaurant just recently and I told my hubby I no longer felt like eating at that place so we left and I told him why in the car. I guess if you are really curious I would talk to him but if there is the slightest chance he was still a creep I would not want to talk to him. Also, he might want to see if he still has some hold over you if you know what I mean; I would be leary.

 

[diamondfan]

I totally see that, which is what is kind of holding me back. Though, like I said, maybe the insecure unhappy young guy is replaced with someone who is a dad, and has traveled the world and has had success in his career. Can someone still be off of bit? Of course. But, with the passage of time, can some of those youthful things get smoothed out and altered enough to make someone be more even keel? I think so. I changed a lot from 17 to now. I was sooo insecure, missing my dad, lacking in good support from my mom and sister, needy in terms of wanting love but hated being confined or controlled, rebelled against anything that tried to make me conform...was very wild and headstrong and reckless...of course, I am not really like that now as a grown woman, a mom, a wife...

Hated to thread jack but was really curious about how other people think, this thread really popped up and sort of had some relevance...and I was really interested in how people would react or view it.

 

[Skippy123]

DF, I do think he could change and want you to see how wonderful he turned out too. I guess it depends on what your gut is telling you.


EricaR, I have the same feelings as Kimberly on the matter. I am not sure how I would feel about a new friend that is a woman. Also, your avatar is sooo cute, I love it!

 

[diamondfan]

My gut is split on this one!!!!

 

[bensbride]

My boyfriend has one female friend in particular that I had trouble with in the beginning. Part of it was my own drama...I had a previous relationship that ended and the guy started dating his ex a few weeks after ending our year long relationship. So, that played a big role in my uneasiness/jealousy/etc with the situation. Plus, they had this brother/sister "pick on/tease each other" thing that I wasn''t comfortable with. Another issue was that they previously had a little fling that ended when he found out she was engaged. She broke up with her fiance and my BF tried to rekindle it another time and she turned him down after leading him on. Then they just became friends. Due to the way she treated him, all of his best guy friends (guys he''s known since elementary school) really didn''t like her at all. I trusted their opinon and was a little uneasy about their friendship. They are all great guys and true friends and were so sweet to me and constantly expressed how happy they were that he found me. I trusted him and knew that he wanted nothing romantic with the other girl. He treats me like I''m the most important thing in his life. I got over worrying about it.

Things changed when she got a boyfriend and 9 weeks later got engaged. Now he never sees her and I''m a whole lot less threatened by her. I think she just used him until she found something better. I benefitted from her misjudgement because he''s the best thing there is!

 

[Isolde]

My SO doesn''t have any female friends, but to be honest, he doesn''t have many friends period. Neither do I, really (and I certainly don''t have any male friends). We''re the typically anti-social sort, and since we met and started dating each other 4+ years ago, each other is the only company we''ve ever wanted. We understand that others have friends of the opposite sex, and it works for them just fine. However, we''re the wildly traditional and old-fashioned kind, so for us personally it couldn''t ever work. Not that we''d want it to, because it just goes against our personal beliefs regarding relationships (again, only a reflection of us, I don''t think it''s inappropriate for other people!). We''re simply not comfortable with the idea, and I wouldn''t ever forge a relationship with another male, nor he another female. And since so many people seem to inquire; no, our relationship is not controlling, possessive, or emotionally immature. We''ve just found the best friend and soulmate we''ve been looking for, and have absolutely no desire for outside friendships, especially not a person of the opposite sex. We have a beautiful, fulfilling relationship, and with him I long for nothing else in the world. Another factor could be that we''re relatively young (still in university), and we''re not at all into the activities that is most popular amongst others our age. It''s hard to make friendships with people who engage in activities you find unbelievably absurd (partying all night, drinking, getting wild, etc). We''re the nerdy quiet sort, whose idea of a perfect night is snuggling up with snacks, while watching PBS programming. He''s my best friend.

 

[Pandora II]

Hmm, difficult one.

My father had an ex-girlfriend who he hadn''t seen in nearly 40 years contact him out of the blue.

He wrote back to her telling her all about his amazing wife and 4 kids - guess what, she never replied. Turned out she had got divorced and was getting back on the dating scene!


On another note, my parents were going through some old documents last year. They each had a box full of old love letters and photos from exes - it was really fun reading through - one of my mother''s ex''s from when she was 18 ticking her off for smoking etc

Anyhow, there was a letter from a guy my mother had met when she and a friend were on holiday in Italy after finishing college. The letter was 3 pages long and included a song this guy had written for her. It was all in Italian, which my mother doesn''t speak, and so she had never been able to read the letter. I''m bilingual in Italian and English, so I translated it for her and 38 years after it arrived she finally got to know what he had written. It was a such a sweet letter!

I googled him on the internet to see what he was up to now - turns out he is a very famous architect in Milan, and there were loads of photos and articles about him! My father looked distinctly miffed!

 

[diamondfan]

Pandora, that is what I wonder. If I email back and ask what is new on your end, and fill him in on my life, might that not end the whole thing there? It really depends on what he wants. If he is just feeling like saying hi and seeing what I have been up to the last 20 or so years, and wants to fill me in on his life, great. Not that it is imperative that I know it but...I would not mind. If there is something else, it won''t matter anyway since it won''t go any further.

 

[allycat0303]

None at all. I could not imagine him picking up the phone to chat with a girl. He''s a real guys, guy though. He''s pretty much intrested in sports and that''s it. It doesn''t make for such intresting conversation.

 

[EricaR]

Date: 1/24/2008 5:40:01 PM
Author: diamondfan
Pandora, that is what I wonder. If I email back and ask what is new on your end, and fill him in on my life, might that not end the whole thing there? It really depends on what he wants. If he is just feeling like saying hi and seeing what I have been up to the last 20 or so years, and wants to fill me in on his life, great. Not that it is imperative that I know it but...I would not mind. If there is something else, it won''t matter anyway since it won''t go any further.

I don''t think I really see a problem with it if you want to email him back, as long as you are open with your SO about it. It doesn''t cross over into "trouble" territory until you start lying/sneaking with it.

I have some exs in my past that I am curious about. How did they turn out? Did they ever grow up? Get married? Have kids? I don''t think I would reach out to any of them on my own but if they ever contact me I don''t think I would mind replying.

 

[phoenixgirl]

I think you naturally take your friendships from "mine" to "ours" when you get married. If you''re trying to keep it as a "mine" friendship, then you should ask yourself why. Not that you and your spouse have to do everything together or be equally close with all your friends, but nothing should be secretive.

I have a few guy friends from growing up and one from my first job. We were the two new teachers in the department and became work buddies . . . occasional lunches or drinks after work. That is, until his fiance got jealous of me (I was dating DH at the time and never thought of my friend that way). Anyway, a few months later she called off the wedding and made him move out of their house, and it turned out that she had kept him such a tight leash that I was basically his only friend. He leaned on me a lot at that time. Fast forward a bit and I got engaged. We went out for lunch and he said that he guessed we couldn''t hang out any more after I got married. I remember thinking, then why are we hanging out now? What will be different then? But I guess that now that I''ve been married for three years I realize that going out alone with friends of the opposite sex is not something we do a whole lot of. Still, our friendship was always platonic (at least for me), and DH knows that and is not a jealous guy, and if we still worked together I wouldn''t go out of my way to hang out with him alone all the time, but I also wouldn''t shrink from doing so if that''s how it worked out.

He''s since gotten married (to someone new) and we''ve become couple friends with them (they even passed the beach vacation test, which has not gone as well with other friends). My theory is that the best "couple friends" are those where the initial friendship was guy-girl because you tend to be friends with similar types and coupled with your opposite. So if the similar personalities are the two women or the two men, then they''ll just tend to split into same-sex pairs and would just awkwardly say, "Um, so . . ." if left with the opposite-sex spouse.

With our best couple friends, DH and the wife were friends from college. The husband and I are so similar that we could just sit and talk about literature and teaching all night and be quite happy. Once I heard DH coordinating our plans with the wife for the evening, and they decided to leave me and her husband behind at the bar because they knew we wouldn''t want to fight through crowds to see art and would rather have a low key night. You''d think it would be strange for your hubsand to arrange for you to hang out at a bar with someone else''s husband without conferring with you, but they were right that we introverts would just find shuffling through crowded galleries stressful.

Has anyone else found my "opposite-sex friendships create the best couple friendships" theory to be true?

 

[diamondfan]

Erica, I think it would be worse to talk about it first, I know my intentions and what the parameters are, but hubby is likely to not get why I care. It is not about HIM, but about me. There is not a long term relationship in the works, I do not want to involve him in my life beyond a simple catching up, if that. I do not know if I think it is lying and sneaky to make that decision, as long as I am honest about my motives to myself, which I am. But that is what I am sort of mulling through. I know I am not interested, I am not inclined that way, just is not in my genes. But I am a curious person. I firmly believe no one, if you love your mate and value your relationship, is worth jeopardizing your entire life over. It is about priorties and choices. I am sure everyone at one time or another could cheat on their mate. It is about the choices we make.

 

[gwendolyn]

It''s sort of complicated, but the short answer is no, he doesn''t really have any friends that make me feel jealous. Previous boyfriends have had female friends and one cheated on me with one (who was also a former student of mine!), so I still feel a little bit wary but I told J about a hundred times while we were super long-distance for the first two and a half years of our relationship (him in England, me in the US), if he found someone nearby to tell me and I wouldn''t blame him because the distance thing really sucked. But he kept saying he didn''t want anyone else, and I''m sure he didn''t go behind my back, so I trust him quite solidly. Which is something I wasn''t sure I could do after having my heart broken by being cheated on (that was from my boyfriend right before J).

 

[ladypirate]

Date: 1/23/2008 11:20:54 PM
Author: diamondfan
He, however, is a really well known martial artist and actor, and has sites and stuff. So odd, he was into karate back in the day, but I always thought his hot head would land him in trouble. Never thought he would be well known in that world. I think he also has a kid, not sure how old, but do not think he is married.

OMG--PLEASE TELL ME YOU DATED CHUCK NORRIS.

I''m teasing, of course. To throw out one other scenario--my mom (who has been happily married to my dad for 30 years) heard from a a guy she dated in college and wrote him back. Turns out he came out of the closet and lives very happily in Australia with his partner and is very active in the gay rights movement. That was definitely a case where the guy was certainly not interested in seeing her romantically any more but wanted to catch up and see how she was.

 

[Patchee]

Yes, he has girl friends.
They have been friends for years
They are now my friends too.
Does is bother me? Why would it?
They were his friends before me...
I have many, many men friends myself ..
If your relationship is secure - I mean secure this should not bother anyone.
If you think by chance one of his girl friends was or is a bit more then just a friend then your with the wrong guy. JMHO.

 

[sandia_rose]

Date: 1/23/2008 2:32:01 PM
Author: Pandora II

On the ''looking'' thing Sandia, I have some friends who go nuts if they think their SO is looking at another girl in an admiring manner.

My comment to them has always been - Isn''t it nice to know that you are the result of a discriminating choice?

Yeah! that''s how I always thought about it! My boyfriend is a musician, and there will always be a "type" of woman that is attracted to him solely because of that. Of course, he is good-looking, too! I have the "inside information" of knowing that my boyfriend is not the player type and now that he''s 46, no longer aspires to be a Party Boy. Between us girls, he''s usually ready for bed at 9P and is dead to the world by the time the bars close! Massive amounts of coffee are usually required for him to stay peppy for the last set of the night when he''s doing a show. Not to mention, he finds women who are loudly and publicly drunk and/or dressed too sleazily very unattractive and a turn-off (this is the type that usually throws themselves at him). And while he will look at girls in their 20s, he is also quick to admit, "They look good, but they''d kill me....I''m too old for that." I have fun with it, too. I''ll notice his eye darting and I''ll say, "She''s really cute -- but did you see the blond over there?" He said that it''s refreshing that I have this perspective. As I said, his ex-wife would get livid to the point of smacking him if she suspected him looking.

It''s all about being secure and knowing that men "look" - not because they''re dogs, but because it''s hard-wired into their biology. Acting on it...that''s another story. I know that if my boyfriend wanted the musician lifestyle of a different girl every night, he had the chance to get it after his divorce....and he deliberately chose to find A Girlfriend. He told me that even before he married his ex-wife, he preferred to date one woman steadily as opposed to many and he wanted to settle down, not date and play.

Bridget in Connecticut.

 

[sandia_rose]

Date: 1/25/2008 11:47:16 AM
Author: ladypirate

OMG--PLEASE TELL ME YOU DATED CHUCK NORRIS.

That''s what I thought at first!! But as far as I know, Chuck is married and has been for a long time. He has his wife''s name tattooed on his arm - which was done when he was in his 20s, I think? And he''s got to be over 50 now. Although - being that I will soon be 40 myself - is not a problem. Like Robert Redford, he just gets hotter with age.

Another I could think of was Brandon Lee - who I thought was completely hot.

My 7 year old is a huge fan of extreme sports guy Tony Hawk. I believe he''s done some karate and modeling for extreme clothing (skateboard clothes, etc) as well.

Bridget in Connecticut

 

[Sabine]

My FI doesn''t have any close female friends that aren''t also my friends. He did room with Robbie in college, which actually worked out wonderfully for me because when I went to visit him, I also got to spend time with my best friend! I think that if he had close female friends that he hung out with one on one that I didn''t know very well, it would bother me a bit. I have a few guy friends, but it always seens that unless they eventually become friends with FI too and we all hang out together, the friendship doesn''t get very deep. It''s not intentional, but I think that the only things I do that FI wouldn''t want to do with me are the particularly girly things that I do with my girlfriends, so if a guy isn''t friends with my FI, there just isn''t that much Sabine to go around!

 

[diamondfan]

It is NOT Chuck...I am not young anymore but he is OLD, no? And it is not Jean Claude Van Damme either!

And Brandon Lee died, but yeah, what a gorgeous guy he was.

He is in more B movie type stuff, I have never seen anything with him in it in the mainstream papers, but apparently he has a huge fan base. Go figure. Ya just never know...who would have thunk it? It is not a genre of movie I generally care about, so truly I would not have an inkling...but hey, more power...channeling something you love into a career and redirecting (hopefully) some of the negative aspects of one''s aggression is a good thing for sure!

 

[ladypirate]

Date: 1/25/2008 5:37:47 PM
Author: diamondfan
It is NOT Chuck...I am not young anymore but he is OLD, no? And it is not Jean Claude Van Damme either!

*Resists the urge to start making Chuck Norris Jokes*

I didn''t actually think it was, but that would have been SO AWESOME. Although I have to admit, I like the idea of Chuck Norris more than I like the actual Chuck Norris. Oh well.

 

[KatM]

how funny it is that i just posted here about how he has female friends and im ok with it. today i found out that he''s been in love with one of his female friends for who knows how long. it''s over, and it''s the one female friend i never would have thought.

 

[diamondfan]

Kat, I am sorry. Do you mean the two of you broke up or he is done with her? I hope you are managing okay, that is very tough.

 

[diamondfan]

Kat, I am sorry. Do you mean the two of you broke up or he is done with her? I hope you are managing okay, that is very tough.