Divorcing after 4 months of marriage...

[AprilBaby]

All I can say is....so sad...

 

[laurel25]

I had a short(ish) first marriage and while I can only speak for myself and my experiences, I think that what I experienced is probably quite common. I was with my ex for 4 years before we got married and I did love him dearly and think that our marriage was a forever thing. We were married for three years when we seperated because of his alcoholism & violence towards me. I knew that he drank a fair amount the whole time we were dating - we met in college, EVERYONE where we went to school drank a lot, winter in the U.P. there isn''t much else to do. I did have misgivings about his drinking when we married, but he always assured me that he was settling down and wasn''t going to drink as much anymore (yeah, right). Anyway, within less than a year of being married I was already at the point of threatening to leave because his drinking had gotten so much worse. And even when I finally called my parents and told them to come and get me because he''d tried to beat me up, most people around us - friends/coworkers/family - had no idea how bad his problem with alcohol had become or that he even had a problem. So, just because the couple maybe seem to be the "perfect" couple, it''s my experience that it''s VERY easy to fake perfect.

I think that very often, when you love someone with addiction problems like that, you want to believe them that they will change and the thing is that they do - but only for a short while, so then the cycle begins all over again. I think that the people who realize after 4 months or 6 months are the smart ones maybe or the ones who just won''t put up with that garbage. I know I stayed way too long trying to help him and get him to realize that he needed help and ultimately nothing I did made any difference and to this day he blames me for all of his problems. The thing is I still love him t and am saddened about how our marriage ended.

So, I guess long story short is that there are a LOT of reasons why couples may divorce after just a few months and I think that it very often isn''t because of a lack of love or commitment within the relationship. I know for me it was very, very hard to admit to my friends and family what was actually going on - I was ashamed and embarassed and humiliated and I felt like a failure. So, I have to agree with what someone else said, that the best thing you can do in this situation is just be a shoulder for the person and if and when they are ready they''ll talk to you about it.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 9/3/2008 12:45:04 PM
Author: oldminer
We once had a nice young woman who worked for us who got engaged and then married. The first night of her honeymoon she decided this was not for her and she came home on the second day of the honeymoon and had the marraige annulled, I believe. I think he was not the person she thought him to be and possibly she was not the person he thought she was. I never asked why, but this might be one for the record books on speedy marraige break-ups.

one of them was a transsexual.

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 9/3/2008 12:54:58 PM
Author: KesVayReas

Sorry, I don''t know if you meant that to be funny, but it made me giggle.
I will admit that I did wait until our wedding night... My husband had ''had'' others before me. I was 22, he was 28. And for me it was the absolute perfect choice. Honestly, part of me is glad he hadn''t waited because I can''t imagine what a mess things had been if both of us hadno idea what we were doing!

 

[HollyS]

I don''t wish to talk ill of your friend, but I would suspect it is a classic case of the wedding machine running roughshod over the realities of how very important marriage is, and what the commitment means. I think, if they aren''t willing to even try (and they haven''t even begun to do so), that she wasn''t about to give up her day of being the princess; to heck with the problems lurking in the background. Problems she was well aware of . . . "it just wasn''t meant to be".

The wedding is one day. The moment you are married, by your officiant, or clergyman, IS the important part of the day. Not the party afterward. Not what you''re wearing, or the flowers in your hand. Not food or the decor. It''s the vows. If you do not believe with all of your heart, mind, and soul that you can keep those vows. . . or that you should even make those vows. . . then it is a huge mistake and the ''celebration'' should end right there at the altar. Forget the guests, forget the expense, forget everyone''s disappointment. That moment, whether you are religious or not, is the most sacred and important moment you will have as husband and wife. If it doesn''t mean what it should, it isn''t worth saying.

I feel sorry for your friend; maybe next time she will think it through before promising ''til death do us part''.

 

[HollyS]

Date: 9/3/2008 7:26:52 AM
Author: beau13
In this day and age, it''s unnatural for someone to spend the ''rest of their life'' with ONE person (especially when you commit in your twenties). Four months seems like a short period of time, but when you know (it''s not right), you KNOW! Better to leave now before dragging children into the mix!

It''s unnatural? In this day and age? Wow. What a set of values.

To be that cavalier about marriage, as if it meant nothing. . . why bother?

 

[Linda W]

Date: 9/3/2008 7:26:52 AM
Author: beau13
In this day and age, it''s unnatural for someone to spend the ''rest of their life'' with ONE person (especially when you commit in your twenties). Four months seems like a short period of time, but when you know (it''s not right), you KNOW! Better to leave now before dragging children into the mix!

Beau dear, what are you saying?????

 

[KesVayReas]

Date: 9/3/2008 11:59:35 PM
Author: HollyS
I don''t wish to talk ill of your friend, but I would suspect it is a classic case of the wedding machine running roughshod over the realities of how very important marriage is, and what the commitment means. I think, if they aren''t willing to even try (and they haven''t even begun to do so), that she wasn''t about to give up her day of being the princess; to heck with the problems lurking in the background. Problems she was well aware of . . . ''it just wasn''t meant to be''.

The wedding is one day. The moment you are married, by your officiant, or clergyman, IS the important part of the day. Not the party afterward. Not what you''re wearing, or the flowers in your hand. Not food or the decor. It''s the vows. If you do not believe with all of your heart, mind, and soul that you can keep those vows. . . or that you should even make those vows. . . then it is a huge mistake and the ''celebration'' should end right there at the altar. Forget the guests, forget the expense, forget everyone''s disappointment. That moment, whether you are religious or not, is the most sacred and important moment you will have as husband and wife. If it doesn''t mean what it should, it isn''t worth saying.

I feel sorry for your friend; maybe next time she will think it through before promising ''til death do us part''.

Perfectly stated.

 

[absolut_blonde]

Date: 9/3/2008 12:48:19 PM
Author: Pandora II
Speculation:

1) One or other partner is physically abusive
2) One or other partner has been/has an affair
3) They got married hoping to solve problems existing in the relationship

Those were my initial thoughts, too. That, or perhaps they got married because it was the 'thing to do' - the next expected step.

A girl on another board that I frequent is also divorcing after being married for a short time (4-6 months, something like that). Apparently, he became abusive after they married. Although there are sometimes warning signs or even existing incidence of abuse, it's not uncommon for abuse to escalate (or sometimes even appear for the first time) after marriage.

Regardless, I think it's sad either way. I would find it humiliating to divorce so soon after the wedding.

I think there has been some rather unkind speculation on here regarding why OP's friend's marriage fell apart, actually. You never know what goes on behind closed doors. I think going off on tangents about bride syndrome is kind of... unnecessary. We don't know if that's even the case here.

 

[InLuv101]

Date: 9/3/2008 7:26:52 AM
Author: beau13
In this day and age, it''s unnatural for someone to spend the ''rest of their life'' with ONE person (especially when you commit in your twenties). Four months seems like a short period of time, but when you know (it''s not right), you KNOW! Better to leave now before dragging children into the mix!

Wow! I just got married a little over a month ago and I expect and plan to be married to DH for the rest of my life. I am in my 20''s. Edning the marriage just isn''t an option FOR US. I''m not judging those who have ended a marriage, that''s just our choice. But to say it''s UNNATURAL to stay with one person? Wow, I''ve never heard that...sad. I guess my parents are unnatural and I want to be unnatural too!

 

[vetrik]

I''ve personally seen this happen a couple times, and it is weird. I think there are a lot of different reasons for it to happen - I think a lot of times people have expectations of marriage that convince them to ignore signs during the dating/engagement period that the relationship may not work (for whatever reason), and then once the wedding is over and the normal life sets back in, nothing has changed and the problems seem even larger which leads to a quick meltdown.

One was a friend who was with a guy for over 4 years. She had doubts and tried to call off the engagement a year before the wedding, but he talked her into staying with him and going through with the wedding. After that, she never did feel it was right, but she didn''t want to cancel the wedding after all the money that had been paid, etc. I guess on the wedding day the limo driver made a joke about driving the other way, and she almost took him up on it - bad sign

! Anyway, things went downhill quickly after the wedding and he had moved out (taking everything they owned) and she filed for divorce within 62 days. That is a wedding that never should have happened.

Another was a co-worker of mine that had been with his girlfriend for over 6 years. They bought a house together, got engaged, had a beautiful wedding, etc. Everything seemed great for them. He found out the month before their 1 year anniversary that she was having an affair with his best friend and filed for divorce. That one was very baffling to me, as an outsider, I definitely don''t know what went on there.

Both of these people have since gone on to be happily remarried with children.

 

[Skippy123]

Date: 9/3/2008 10:10:50 AM
Author: Tacori E-ring
I think people have unrealistic expectations when they get married things will change. We have friends in their mid 30s, dated 4 years before they got married and he actually stayed with us for a few days after 6 weeks of marriage. 6 WEEKS. He said that he thought she would stop going out as much with her friends, she thought he would stop doing whatever always bothered her. Obviously things were made enough that he left their home. They went to therapy and he moved back in but still...marriage is hard, relationships are hard.

I agree with this and I agree that it takes work to keep it going, sometimes it is smooth sailing and other times it isn't but such is life (I find life is good).

eta: sorry about your friends, that would be scary!

 

[LuckyTexan]

Date: 9/3/2008 1:16:46 PM
Author: fieryred33143
Aside from all the comments made on here, I also think that sometimes women suffer from the ''I wanna be a bride'' syndrome. They can see that someone isn''t right for them, they know that marriage isn''t going to make the situation any better, but they''ll be damned if someone tells them they can''t wear their wedding dress and walk down the isle!!

I have a friend that is marrying someone that isn''t right for her. He will cause them to go bankrupt. And he''s a jerk. I''ve told her how I felt about it but she''s going through with it anyway. Oh well

Don''t you just love that?! We love them enough to take the time to warn them that we can see it coming, but they obviously know better!

 

[LuckyTexan]

Date: 9/3/2008 11:59:35 PM
Author: HollyS
I don''t wish to talk ill of your friend, but I would suspect it is a classic case of the wedding machine running roughshod over the realities of how very important marriage is, and what the commitment means. I think, if they aren''t willing to even try (and they haven''t even begun to do so), that she wasn''t about to give up her day of being the princess; to heck with the problems lurking in the background. Problems she was well aware of . . . ''it just wasn''t meant to be''.

The wedding is one day. The moment you are married, by your officiant, or clergyman, IS the important part of the day. Not the party afterward. Not what you''re wearing, or the flowers in your hand. Not food or the decor. It''s the vows. If you do not believe with all of your heart, mind, and soul that you can keep those vows. . . or that you should even make those vows. . . then it is a huge mistake and the ''celebration'' should end right there at the altar. Forget the guests, forget the expense, forget everyone''s disappointment. That moment, whether you are religious or not, is the most sacred and important moment you will have as husband and wife. If it doesn''t mean what it should, it isn''t worth saying.

I feel sorry for your friend; maybe next time she will think it through before promising ''til death do us part''.

Reading your words. The power in your voice. WOW.

I am 100% in agreement!

 

[LuckyTexan]

Date: 9/3/2008 12:54:58 PM
Author: KesVayReas

Date: 9/3/2008 12:45:17 PM
Author: LuckyTexan

Date: 9/3/2008 12:39:45 AM
Author: miraclesrule
I am always baffled by this myself Kesvay. Three year''s ago one of my staff''s best friends had a very lavish wedding after having been together with her BF/FI for 6 years and she filed for divorce within 7 months of marriage. It was baffling. Especially the fighting over assets and all. The woman remarried this last last and is now extremely happy and pregnant...oh wait, I think she miscarried...anyway....I don''t know what the former husband is doing...probably a bit gunshy of relationships now. This couple was educated, came from good solid families, but were both virgins when they married. Perhaps that had something to do with it. It was mentioned more than once during the deterioration of the relationship. That and control.

It also happened to a very good ex-boyfriend of mine. They were the perfect couple. He was voted most likely to never divorce in high school. He dated his wife for 2 1/2 years. She was the son of a minister and he strongly believed the family that prayed together, stayed together. It was the first marriage for both of them and he was almost 35 years old. His wife filed for divorce right after 9/11 and within 6 months of their marriage. I don''t get it either. Life is a mystery.....

My second time around, we ''waited''... for religious reasons... we were both divorced so not virgins, but waited through our relationship up to the wedding night. Without getting too personal... 4 years later... I had forgotten what an orgasm during sex felt like.

Waiting isn''t all it''s cracked up to be. Anyone who tries to say sex isn''t that important to a healthy marriage is either lying or in denial! LOL! This was just one of the many reason''s our marriage didn''t work... he liked to throw things at me... like... fists. feet.

Sorry, I don''t know if you meant that to be funny, but it made me giggle.
I will admit that I did wait until our wedding night... My husband had ''had'' others before me. I was 22, he was 28. And for me it was the absolute perfect choice. Honestly, part of me is glad he hadn''t waited because I can''t imagine what a mess things had been if both of us hadno idea what we were doing!

HAHA! YES, I was being sarcastic... bad situation THEN.... now I can laugh about it... In regards to waiting... There have been countless couples who married virgins over the course of history, and I would assume like any other animal there are instincts... and I''d say a fair bit of parental guidance before that night! LOL!
Could you imagine if we all lived like 400 years ago? Or if we were all part of the original Hebrew nation? The sex lives we would have had! LOL!

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 9/4/2008 12:19:16 AM
Author: Linda W

Date: 9/3/2008 7:26:52 AM
Author: beau13
In this day and age, it''s unnatural for someone to spend the ''rest of their life'' with ONE person (especially when you commit in your twenties). Four months seems like a short period of time, but when you know (it''s not right), you KNOW! Better to leave now before dragging children into the mix!

Beau dear, what are you saying?????

I second the "eh?"

I think a more realistic answer is that "in this day and age, people don''t take marriage SERIOUSLY." How many people do you know that have said it''s better (appearance wise) to be married and divorced than to have never been married? People think, hm...what''s wrong with him/her...how come they''ve never been married? It''s like some kind of bizarre rite of passage instead of the COMMITMENT it actually is.

 

[decodelighted]

I think Jerry Seinfeld''s wife was just back from her HONEYMOON with her first husband when she met Jerry at the gym & started a flirtation.

Sometimes folks just wanna "trade up".

 

[NewEnglandLady]

I have a friend who divorced after 3 months of marriage. They dated for 7 years, lived together for 5.

They had invested so much time in the relationship and were already living together that it seemed like the "next step". She was too focused on the wedding and when issues would come up, she blamed it on wedding stress. Then after they were married all they felt was that marriage did not feel right for either of them. It was just want they were supposed to do, so they did. The divorce was quick and they remained friends, but have both moved on to marry other people and they are both MUCH happier.

 

[FrekeChild]

From an evolutionary psychology perspective, yes marriage is unnatural.

Men are supposed to spread the seed, and women are supposed to bear the children. Marriage to one person for an entire lifetime is going against human nature.

...sigh...

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 9/3/2008 8:29:21 PM
Author: Dancing Fire

Date: 9/3/2008 12:54:58 PM

Author: KesVayReas



Sorry, I don''t know if you meant that to be funny, but it made me giggle.

I will admit that I did wait until our wedding night... My husband had ''had'' others before me. I was 22, he was 28. And for me it was the absolute perfect choice. Honestly, part of me is glad he hadn''t waited because I can''t imagine what a mess things had been if both of us hadno idea what we were doing!

I always scratch my head at these comments too. I mean, it''s not rocket science... 13 year olds do it. (not that I am advocating that)

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 9/9/2008 8:20:31 PM
Author: FrekeChild
From an evolutionary psychology perspective, yes marriage is unnatural.

Men are supposed to spread the seed, and women are supposed to bear the children. Marriage to one person for an entire lifetime is going against human nature.

...sigh...

I believe that MALES are supposed to spread the seed and FEMALES are supposed to bear the children. Call me crazy, but I also believe that MEN and WOMEN are a cut above animals.

 

[FrekeChild]

My bad TGal. MALES and FEMALES of all species behave in this manner.

 

[partgypsy]

Dancing fire - one was a tranvestite LOL!


Not that this is true for all situations but there can be many legitimate reasons why a marriage fails quickly, some of them already mentioned such as physical emotional abuse.

In my husband''s family, found out relatively recently that his aunt was married before her current husband. She was very young, not sure if parents even knew before they got married. Not sure what the issue was but the father gave him some money to "go away" and he did.
Another situation a friend of mine had a serious relationship with a man and he gave her this incredibly romantic over the top proposa. After they were engaged he let let her know that he was gay, but got married for the intention of having kids. What do you think would have happened if they didn''t have that conversation till after the marriage?

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 9/9/2008 9:53:51 PM
Author: trillionaire

Date: 9/3/2008 8:29:21 PM
Author: Dancing Fire

Date: 9/3/2008 12:54:58 PM

Author: KesVayReas




Sorry, I don''t know if you meant that to be funny, but it made me giggle.

I will admit that I did wait until our wedding night... My husband had ''had'' others before me. I was 22, he was 28. And for me it was the absolute perfect choice. Honestly, part of me is glad he hadn''t waited because I can''t imagine what a mess things had been if both of us hadno idea what we were doing!

I always scratch my head at these comments too. I mean, it''s not rocket science... 13 year olds do it. (not that I am advocating that)

maybe KVR needs a 13 yr old rocket scientist to give her some lessons.

 

[tberube]

I have a few friends in similar situations. Two of them lasted three years, but one lasted only 6 months. Big, lavish, expensive weddings (two of them) with lots of hoopla. The one that lasted 6 months, they were together for 5 years. I don''t know what happens, to tell you the truth. It could be that people are not thinking much when they''re in the throes of being engaged and planning their weddings, thinking about what marriage would be like once the wedding is over. Or it could be that once married, they don''t have the courage or wherewithal to actually deal with the ups and downs that goes along with all marriages.

The thing that really gets me are the couples who are together for SO LONG before they''re married, but can''t make the marriage last long at all. I wonder if, sometimes, it''s that their marriage is a last-ditch effort to save a relationship that was going downhill already. But in the end, a wedding cannot save a dying relationship, so the marriage fails.

Either way, it''s damn sad.

 

[Irishgrrrl]

Date: 9/11/2008 7:28:21 PM
Author: tberube
I have a few friends in similar situations. Two of them lasted three years, but one lasted only 6 months. Big, lavish, expensive weddings (two of them) with lots of hoopla. The one that lasted 6 months, they were together for 5 years. I don''t know what happens, to tell you the truth. It could be that people are not thinking much when they''re in the throes of being engaged and planning their weddings, thinking about what marriage would be like once the wedding is over. Or it could be that once married, they don''t have the courage or wherewithal to actually deal with the ups and downs that goes along with all marriages.

The thing that really gets me are the couples who are together for SO LONG before they''re married, but can''t make the marriage last long at all. I wonder if, sometimes, it''s that their marriage is a last-ditch effort to save a relationship that was going downhill already. But in the end, a wedding cannot save a dying relationship, so the marriage fails.

Either way, it''s damn sad.

Tberube, I totally agree . . . very sad.

I''m a paralegal at a small law firm, and a lot of my job involves working with couples who are divorcing. Any divorce is a sad thing, but I think I find it even sadder when a couple has been married for 20, 30, or even 40 years and are now divorcing. It''s bad enough when they''re divorcing after only a few years (or a few months) of marriage, but when they''ve been married for several decades, it''s just heartbreaking.

 

[Steel]

Apart from the reasons that have been offered already I would add that...

Marriage can offer a sense of security in a relationship, this security can cause the couple to perhaps take advantage of the relationship''s security. Knowing that your wife or husband loves you can or could cause the other spouse to become lazy in love. Relationships take work even after marriage - especialy fter marriage. Do not forget to ring if you are late home, say please and thank you, be affectionate, take time to appreciate your partner and relationship.

Also, life happens. The bad bits and the really bad bits can be hard to deal with if you are newly weds and expect roses ar at least smooth (ish) sailing for the first year(s). Life''s crap will not wait untill the honeymoon is over. I think the shock of the post-wedding peroid can be enough to dampen anybodys mood never mind a redundancy, death, accident, illness etc. If you have too much crap at one time I can see how a good relationship could suffer so early on.

Marriage is hard but I think it is worth it. After 6 ish months perhaps this couple didn''t get to see too many of the good bits. They come with time - if you are lucky. Or perhaps they were never meant to be and they are saving themselves from heartache. At least then can get back into the saddle with their own teeth and enough hair to warrant picking up a comb in the morning.