Divorcing after 4 months of marriage...

[KesVayReas]

How does this happen? A friend of mine and her husband have been married for 4 months and just filed for divorce. They had been together for 6 years before they were married and had a large extravagant wedding. She has been saying that "It just wasn''t meant to be". Although they were in their early twenties, both had college degrees and seemed to be very level headed... And in love. And I know this is not the first,last, or only instance of a very brief marriage, so my question is... Why so some marriages fail so quickly? Can you even really experience marriage with all of it''s peaks in valleys in a lifetime, let alone 4 months?
I, too was young when I married last year. But, we had counseling through our church, were together for 4 years beforehand, and discussed marriage our expectations and desires... Our goals in life and decided to join our lives as one in Christ and begin our new life together. I know it has just been a year, but I could never imagine life without my husband and best friend. Of course the first year was a challenge as I''m sure each year will be in it''s own way. But never ever did I think of giving up. I realize I have different views on marriage and the vows I took in regards to my religious beliefs...

But, what do you all think of the high divorce rates? What about marriages lasting less than a year? Lavish weddings without thought of the marriage to follow?

 

[neatfreak]

Honestly? I think so many couples get caught up in what they "should" be doing (i.e., getting engaged or married) and then once they are in they are in too deep to try and dig their way out of...

I think often these short marriages are people who didn't want to disappoint others by backing out of the engagement/wedding and so they went through with it anyway. Or they just got so caught up in the fun part of wedding planning that they didn't spend enough time making sure the wedding was about the MARRIAGE and not just the wedding...

But these are just my opinions of course!

 

[miraclesrule]

I am always baffled by this myself Kesvay. Three year's ago one of my staff's best friends had a very lavish wedding after having been together with her BF/FI for 6 years and she filed for divorce within 7 months of marriage. It was baffling. Especially the fighting over assets and all. The woman remarried this last last and is now extremely happy and pregnant...oh wait, I think she miscarried...anyway....I don't know what the former husband is doing...probably a bit gunshy of relationships now. This couple was educated, came from good solid families, but were both virgins when they married. Perhaps that had something to do with it. It was mentioned more than once during the deterioration of the relationship. That and control.

It also happened to a very good ex-boyfriend of mine. They were the perfect couple. He was voted most likely to never divorce in high school. He dated his wife for 2 1/2 years. She was the son of a minister and he strongly believed the family that prayed together, stayed together. It was the first marriage for both of them and he was almost 35 years old. His wife filed for divorce right after 9/11 and within 6 months of their marriage. I don't get it either. Life is a mystery.....

 

[jewelerman]

There is alot of stress on a relationship in creating the perfect wedding...some relationships cant take it...and if there is problems in the relationship to begin with the stress makes it worse.

 

[KesVayReas]

Date: 9/3/2008 12:34:26 AM
Author: neatfreak
Honestly? I think so many couples get caught up in what they ''should'' be doing (i.e., getting engaged or married) and then once they are in they are in too deep to try and dig their way out of...

I think often these short marriages are people who didn''t want to disappoint others by backing out of the engagement/wedding and so they went through with it anyway. Or they just got so caught up in the fun part of wedding planning that they didn''t spend enough time making sure the wedding was about the MARRIAGE and not just the wedding...

But these are just my opinions of course!

I was just talking about this with my husband... Then I thought, can you imagine how hard it would be to tell your family and friends who just recently witnessed your union that you are divorcing...

 

[Dancing Fire]

Date: 9/3/2008 12:29:31 AM
Author:KesVayReas

But, what do you all think of the high divorce rates? What about marriages lasting less than a year? Lavish weddings without thought of the marriage to follow?

i want to know who got stuck with the tab?

 

[Haven]

I think you should be grateful for your own happy marriage, and supportive of your friend who finds herself in a difficult situation right now.

I have no idea why or how these marriages fail. I just hope that they can move on and find whatever it is they are looking for.

I have a dear friend who is facing divorce after just two years of marriage. They dated for four years before they married, and they appeared to be extremely happy and devoted to each other. They are both educated and professionally successful. They did not have a lavish, over-the-top wedding. The only thing I know is that my friend is hurting and I''m here to do whatever I can to help her.

On the other hand, I know people who married after (what I believe to be) extremely short periods of dating--seven weeks for one couple, three days for another--and they have been happily married for years.

All I know is that my husband and I had a lot of discussions about marriage before we were even engaged. We made sure that we both defined marriage in the same way, and that we entered into our marriage with as strong a foundation as we could have created. I also know that it is easy to be baffled by others'' failures when I''m standing in the warm comfort of a new, happy marriage. We don''t know what goes on behind closed doors, all we can do is be here to support our friends, even (and especially) when they''re going through things we cannot fathom.

 

[violet02]

I''m not sure what the deal with this is in particular but I had an old friend, with his gf for four years... got married, divorced after 6 months. My best friend... with his gf for 5 or 6 years... divorced after 6 months... there are more stories like that from other friends.

I know there are a lot of ''success'' stories with very long term (years long) relationships getting married and staying together... (our friends were together 10 and married 4, going strong). But for some reason we have a rash of friends that were together a long long time, got married and split up rather quickly. They seem to attribute it to well we were together for x years, thought it was either time to get married, getting married might help the relationship, nothing else to do.. etc.

Ditto neatfreak on what she says about ''couples get caught up in what they "should" be doing''... that seems to be true in the cases I know about re: going through it anyways... or going through it at all.

We have some friends that have been together long distance for 6 years, moved in together this year (she''s a med student) this required her bf to leave his job in SF and move to where she got her residency... that lasted about 4 months, he came back to Sf cause he liked the work out here better. They are still together, long distance again... people think they may marry one day and they may but after six years you''d think you''d have worked out at least ''what'' they might want to be doing... not just DOING what seems like the next step should be.

My best friend who got divorced after 6 mo. said he married his wife because she wanted to get married after all those years and he didn''t know what else to do, stuck in a rut figured it might help... our other friend, the first story I told, he firmly believed he was going into a loving ''for keep''s marriage. He was shocked and devestated when his wife left him for another man, citing that she wasn''t ever that happy to begin with and they weren''t right together. They had a big fancy wedding too. I think she just thought she had to go through with it and couldn''t stop it... who knows.

Honestly at my age (years ago in my 20s this would be a ''bit'' different story)... I wouldn''t be with someone for 4 or 6 years then think about and decide to get married. I would know within the first couple of years if that was what we were going to do and then move in that direction. My FI and I got engaged 11 months after we first started dating. I say, at my age though... that makes a difference I think because we do want children one day. I think the same may have been true when I was younger though, after a couple of years I''d know.

 

[beau13]

In this day and age, it''s unnatural for someone to spend the "rest of their life" with ONE person (especially when you commit in your twenties). Four months seems like a short period of time, but when you know (it''s not right), you KNOW! Better to leave now before dragging children into the mix!

 

[violet02]

Date: 9/3/2008 7:26:52 AM
Author: beau13
In this day and age, it''s unnatural for someone to spend the ''rest of their life'' with ONE person (especially when you commit in your twenties). Four months seems like a short period of time, but when you know (it''s not right), you KNOW! Better to leave now before dragging children into the mix!

Actually ditto to this. The sooner the better. I know folks that drag it out way too long. And kids to some is the next step of trying to make things work when things aren''t working, sad to say. So better now then later.

 

[vespergirl]

One of my old co-workers divorced her husband after one month of marriage, and they had dated for a year previous to getting married. I have to say, she was a total relationship psycho, though, and and would stalk him & his new wife when he got remarried - creepy.

 

[GoingCrazy29]

I think these people want the wedding/ring/hoopla/attention more than they want the marriage. They are thinking short term and not what the rest of their lives will be like with that person.

 

[littlelysser]

Kes - First, it is great that you have such a strong marriage. But here''s the thing...not everyone does.

My guess is that there is something much bigger going on than "things just didn''t work out," but that your friend doesn''t want to tell you what those things are, perhaps because she is afraid of judgment from you or perhaps because she doesn''t feel like she can talk about it yet. So yeah...I really wouldn''t judge her or the situation until you know what actually happened.

Perhaps her partner had an addiction issue she was unaware of, or perhaps there was infidelity, or perhaps she felt pressured and pushed into a marriage she didn''t want and is just now finding her voice. If that is the case, why should she wait years, or until she has "experienced the peaks and valleys of marriage." Some peaks are too low to crawl out of.

As for the high divorce rates...I really think that there has been something of a shift in terms of the meaning of marriage, for some people. There is a phenomenon known as the "starter marriage," where a couple marries and divorces within a few years, with no kids. Simply stated, I just don''t think a lot people that get married go into it with the idea that it is til death do you part.

 

[sklingem]

In quite a few cases it seems that people think that marriage is going to "make" a relationship work and solve existing problems. That works almost as well as having kids to make a marriage happier. Meaning, not at all. In that sense, marriage per se is probably quite overrated. I see it as a public commitment and an occasion to celebrate. Not more than that.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

I think people have unrealistic expectations when they get married things will change. We have friends in their mid 30s, dated 4 years before they got married and he actually stayed with us for a few days after 6 weeks of marriage. 6 WEEKS. He said that he thought she would stop going out as much with her friends, she thought he would stop doing whatever always bothered her. Obviously things were made enough that he left their home. They went to therapy and he moved back in but still...marriage is hard, relationships are hard.

 

[KesVayReas]

Date: 9/3/2008 9:37:17 AM
Author: littlelysser
Kes - First, it is great that you have such a strong marriage. But here''s the thing...not everyone does.

My guess is that there is something much bigger going on than ''things just didn''t work out,'' but that your friend doesn''t want to tell you what those things are, perhaps because she is afraid of judgment from you or perhaps because she doesn''t feel like she can talk about it yet. So yeah...I really wouldn''t judge her or the situation until you know what actually happened.

Perhaps her partner had an addiction issue she was unaware of, or perhaps there was infidelity, or perhaps she felt pressured and pushed into a marriage she didn''t want and is just now finding her voice. If that is the case, why should she wait years, or until she has ''experienced the peaks and valleys of marriage.'' Some peaks are too low to crawl out of.

As for the high divorce rates...I really think that there has been something of a shift in terms of the meaning of marriage, for some people. There is a phenomenon known as the ''starter marriage,'' where a couple marries and divorces within a few years, with no kids. Simply stated, I just don''t think a lot people that get married go into it with the idea that it is til death do you part.

I completely agree with what you are saying. I realize that none of us know the whole story or both sides of the story in this case... And we shouldn''t as it is their private business. But she has a very strong support network and all of us are standing by her. I have a feeling it''s only going to get worse because now she seems so calm and strong about everything. Maybe she really is just relieved or maybe it''s the calm before the storm. Either way I am here for her and love her just the same. I am also not judging her... It just got me thinking about divorce in young couples and divorce after brief marriages... I was curious on all you guys/gals'' opinions, that''s all.

 

[KesVayReas]

Date: 9/3/2008 8:31:05 AM
Author: GoingCrazy29
I think these people want the wedding/ring/hoopla/attention more than they want the marriage. They are thinking short term and not what the rest of their lives will be like with that person.

Ditto. Not particularly with my friends, in myopinion anyway... But, it seems weddings have become so "popular" and the bigger the better. I think this makes it easier to focus on the centerpieces and appetizes rather than your goals and true characteristics as people.

 

[GoingCrazy29]

Date: 9/3/2008 11:13:18 AM
Author: KesVayReas

Date: 9/3/2008 8:31:05 AM

Author: GoingCrazy29

I think these people want the wedding/ring/hoopla/attention more than they want the marriage. They are thinking short term and not what the rest of their lives will be like with that person.

Ditto. Not particularly with my friends, in myopinion anyway... But, it seems weddings have become so ''popular'' and the bigger the better. I think this makes it easier to focus on the centerpieces and appetizes rather than your goals and true characteristics as people.

Sorry KVR, I didn''t mean about your friends- I was speaking in general to what I''m seeing happen all the time

 

[LuckyTexan]

Date: 9/3/2008 12:29:31 AM
Author:KesVayReas
How does this happen? A friend of mine and her husband have been married for 4 months and just filed for divorce. They had been together for 6 years before they were married and had a large extravagant wedding. She has been saying that ''It just wasn''t meant to be''. Although they were in their early twenties, both had college degrees and seemed to be very level headed... And in love. And I know this is not the first,last, or only instance of a very brief marriage, so my question is... Why so some marriages fail so quickly? Can you even really experience marriage with all of it''s peaks in valleys in a lifetime, let alone 4 months?
I, too was young when I married last year. But, we had counseling through our church, were together for 4 years beforehand, and discussed marriage our expectations and desires... Our goals in life and decided to join our lives as one in Christ and begin our new life together. I know it has just been a year, but I could never imagine life without my husband and best friend. Of course the first year was a challenge as I''m sure each year will be in it''s own way. But never ever did I think of giving up. I realize I have different views on marriage and the vows I took in regards to my religious beliefs...

But, what do you all think of the high divorce rates? What about marriages lasting less than a year? Lavish weddings without thought of the marriage to follow?

Does your state require a 6 month cooling off period? Maybe they could get councelling while they are in that period! That''s so sad! 4 months isn''t long enough to find out that it wasn''t going to work! Did she tell you why? I''d say if it was for sexual infidelity then fine... but things just not working well in the transition isn''t reason enough to throw out the baby with the bathwater!

In regards to statistics... I''ve heard of people being together for long periods, getting engaged, having the big party, and still not making it... it''s like... they moved forward because it was the ''thing to do'' but soon found out that once the hype and hoopla of the big show wore off... they were left with someone they didn''t really like to begin with... sad but true!

My parents have been married for almost 38 years and they eloped in the Harris County courthouse before my dad was deployed to Vietnam. They had been together for like 2 years... and didn''t have an engagement or wedding. They''ve stuck through a LOT together!

 

[KesVayReas]

Date: 9/3/2008 11:19:38 AM
Author: GoingCrazy29

Date: 9/3/2008 11:13:18 AM
Author: KesVayReas

Date: 9/3/2008 8:31:05 AM

Author: GoingCrazy29

I think these people want the wedding/ring/hoopla/attention more than they want the marriage. They are thinking short term and not what the rest of their lives will be like with that person.

Ditto. Not particularly with my friends, in myopinion anyway... But, it seems weddings have become so ''popular'' and the bigger the better. I think this makes it easier to focus on the centerpieces and appetizes rather than your goals and true characteristics as people.

Sorry KVR, I didn''t mean about your friends- I was speaking in general to what I''m seeing happen all the time

Oh, I was completely agreeing with you!!

 

[KesVayReas]

Date: 9/3/2008 12:33:18 PM
Author: LuckyTexan

Does your state require a 6 month cooling off period? Maybe they could get councelling while they are in that period! That''s so sad! 4 months isn''t long enough to find out that it wasn''t going to work! Did she tell you why? I''d say if it was for sexual infidelity then fine... but things just not working well in the transition isn''t reason enough to throw out the baby with the bathwater!

In regards to statistics... I''ve heard of people being together for long periods, getting engaged, having the big party, and still not making it... it''s like... they moved forward because it was the ''thing to do'' but soon found out that once the hype and hoopla of the big show wore off... they were left with someone they didn''t really like to begin with... sad but true!

My parents have been married for almost 38 years and they eloped in the Harris County courthouse before my dad was deployed to Vietnam. They had been together for like 2 years... and didn''t have an engagement or wedding. They''ve stuck through a LOT together!

Our state does not have a 6 month cooling off period unfortunately... She admits there was no cheating and nothing major happened, she just realized it is not what she wanted. She is from a small town and moved back there after college, her husband is a rancher. She is now moving to a big city with some girlfriends...
I, too, think that sometimes people marry because it''s the next logical step in their life. Definately the story of my parents, who were married for 27 years, had children, built a life together and then divorced... So, I can truely appreciate how hurtful, confusing, and tragic divorce can be after any length of time. Honestly, I very much just want my friend to be happy. I know she is hurting... even though she won''t admit it.

 

[oldminer]

We once had a nice young woman who worked for us who got engaged and then married. The first night of her honeymoon she decided this was not for her and she came home on the second day of the honeymoon and had the marraige annulled, I believe. I think he was not the person she thought him to be and possibly she was not the person he thought she was. I never asked why, but this might be one for the record books on speedy marraige break-ups.

 

[LuckyTexan]

Date: 9/3/2008 12:39:45 AM
Author: miraclesrule
I am always baffled by this myself Kesvay. Three year''s ago one of my staff''s best friends had a very lavish wedding after having been together with her BF/FI for 6 years and she filed for divorce within 7 months of marriage. It was baffling. Especially the fighting over assets and all. The woman remarried this last last and is now extremely happy and pregnant...oh wait, I think she miscarried...anyway....I don''t know what the former husband is doing...probably a bit gunshy of relationships now. This couple was educated, came from good solid families, but were both virgins when they married. Perhaps that had something to do with it. It was mentioned more than once during the deterioration of the relationship. That and control.

It also happened to a very good ex-boyfriend of mine. They were the perfect couple. He was voted most likely to never divorce in high school. He dated his wife for 2 1/2 years. She was the son of a minister and he strongly believed the family that prayed together, stayed together. It was the first marriage for both of them and he was almost 35 years old. His wife filed for divorce right after 9/11 and within 6 months of their marriage. I don''t get it either. Life is a mystery.....

My second time around, we ''waited''... for religious reasons... we were both divorced so not virgins, but waited through our relationship up to the wedding night. Without getting too personal... 4 years later... I had forgotten what an orgasm during sex felt like.

Waiting isn''t all it''s cracked up to be. Anyone who tries to say sex isn''t that important to a healthy marriage is either lying or in denial! LOL! This was just one of the many reason''s our marriage didn''t work... he liked to throw things at me... like... fists. feet.

 

[Pandora II]

Speculation:

1) One or other partner is physically abusive
2) One or other partner has been/has an affair
3) They got married hoping to solve problems existing in the relationship

My sister SHOULD have got divorced asap. She rang my parents in tears every day of her honeymoon. She married a guy she''d had met while working abroad (they both worked abroad in the same country) and they had a LD relationship for 2 years. They saw each other every third weekend and went on two 10 day holidays (where they fought constantly) in that time.

He moved back to the UK 6 months before she did. He proposed at the airport. She said yes. My parents said they wanted them to live together for a year before getting engaged. My sister wanted the same - he said no, marry me now or it''s over.

There were huge problems in the 6 months between then and the wedding, but my sister didn''t say much as she was worried about the deposits that had been paid and the embarrassment of telling people it was off.

Anyway, they''re still married 8 years on, still have a hideous marriage and are now inflicting it on the two kids they had to try and improve things (the last time my sister saw a divorce lawyer was a week before their second child was born).

Frankly it would have been much better if they hadn''t ''worked'' at it - they''d both be a lot happier I think.

 

[KesVayReas]

Date: 9/3/2008 12:45:04 PM
Author: oldminer
We once had a nice young woman who worked for us who got engaged and then married. The first night of her honeymoon she decided this was not for her and she came home on the second day of the honeymoon and had the marraige annulled, I believe. I think he was not the person she thought him to be and possibly she was not the person he thought she was. I never asked why, but this might be one for the record books on speedy marraige break-ups.

Wow. How could they not figuer this out before the wedding?

 

[KesVayReas]

Date: 9/3/2008 12:45:17 PM
Author: LuckyTexan

Date: 9/3/2008 12:39:45 AM
Author: miraclesrule
I am always baffled by this myself Kesvay. Three year''s ago one of my staff''s best friends had a very lavish wedding after having been together with her BF/FI for 6 years and she filed for divorce within 7 months of marriage. It was baffling. Especially the fighting over assets and all. The woman remarried this last last and is now extremely happy and pregnant...oh wait, I think she miscarried...anyway....I don''t know what the former husband is doing...probably a bit gunshy of relationships now. This couple was educated, came from good solid families, but were both virgins when they married. Perhaps that had something to do with it. It was mentioned more than once during the deterioration of the relationship. That and control.

It also happened to a very good ex-boyfriend of mine. They were the perfect couple. He was voted most likely to never divorce in high school. He dated his wife for 2 1/2 years. She was the son of a minister and he strongly believed the family that prayed together, stayed together. It was the first marriage for both of them and he was almost 35 years old. His wife filed for divorce right after 9/11 and within 6 months of their marriage. I don''t get it either. Life is a mystery.....

My second time around, we ''waited''... for religious reasons... we were both divorced so not virgins, but waited through our relationship up to the wedding night. Without getting too personal... 4 years later... I had forgotten what an orgasm during sex felt like.

Waiting isn''t all it''s cracked up to be. Anyone who tries to say sex isn''t that important to a healthy marriage is either lying or in denial! LOL! This was just one of the many reason''s our marriage didn''t work... he liked to throw things at me... like... fists. feet.

Sorry, I don''t know if you meant that to be funny, but it made me giggle.
I will admit that I did wait until our wedding night... My husband had "had" others before me. I was 22, he was 28. And for me it was the absolute perfect choice. Honestly, part of me is glad he hadn''t waited because I can''t imagine what a mess things had been if both of us hadno idea what we were doing!

 

[AmberWaves]

I see this a lot, and frankly it worries me. I''m not even sure why, to be honest, because my parents were very unhappily together for 30+ years, though NOT married. Still they stuck together for us kids. I''ve only been married for 9 months, together for almost 5 years, but that was my big question before marrying: How do I know we won''t turn out like my parents. I thought, heck, they must have loved each other at one time. When did it change?

Anyway, I was working with other brides to be while I was planning our wedding, and my friend and I (also a bride to be) often commented on that divorce rate, since with about 20 or so brides, the odds are definitely for a lot of us divorcing. Yes, it''s a depressing thing, but coming from my home, I always assume the worst- so glass half full.

I can see the wedding planning consuming your whole life, and if you let it, it clouds your vision- looking at the actual day, not so much the rest of your lives. Sometimes the planning brings out the actual insane woman or man inside the couple (see Bridezillas), and then you think, do I really want to be tied to that forever? The one thing that made me feel a little better about our marriage was that I couldn''t wait for the wedding to be DONE with. I just wanted to be his wife, and get on with our lives, after having that dreadful day everyone else was expecting. It was more stress than it was worth, I can tell you that.

I totally agree with the poster who said so many couples just get to a certain point and decide to either take the leap or walk away. Many are afraid of going through the dating thing again, or of what their family and friends will say, that they figure that perhaps a marriage certificate and a lifetime commitment is all they need to fix or energize a stagnant relationship.

 

[WTNLVR]

I can think of at least two causes of this. The first is being given an ultimatum to propose. The guy gets caught up in it, goes thru with it out of guilt, then realizes he never wanted to get married and bails. The other happened to a male freind of ours. He had been dating a woman for 2-3 years. She was very nice but once that ring was on her finger she turned into the Wicked Witch. She was really a control freak and he let himself get dragged around by the nose. He lost everything and ended up living out of his car about 8 months after the wedding. When he went to get a divorce, turns out they were never legally married as they married out of the country and never were legally married here. But during the short time they were together she made him pay for everything even though she made 10x''s what he did. He''s just now putting the pieces of his life back together. The fact that she had been married 3 times before should have been a red flag I guess. Also, alot of men become very physically abusive after the ring is on the finger. Not sure why this is, but I have heard it happen repeatedly. Some people are just masters at hiding who they reallly are.

 

[brazen_irish_hussy]

Sometimes people are so comfortable together that it seems natural fr them to get married and what not. It is only after the wedding when there is enough change in their routine for them to see this was habit, not love. Someone on her had an SO who told them that the couple needed to get married so they could move on and from my experience, that makes a lot of sense.

I personally don''t think marriage does have to be forever. I think it should last as long as the two parties are more happy together than apart (this assumes no kids). If not, they should consider moving on. That is not to say long, happy marriages aren''t the ideal, just that I don''t think people should stay together for the sake of being married

 

[fieryred33143]

Aside from all the comments made on here, I also think that sometimes women suffer from the "I wanna be a bride" syndrome. They can see that someone isn''t right for them, they know that marriage isn''t going to make the situation any better, but they''ll be damned if someone tells them they can''t wear their wedding dress and walk down the isle!!

I have a friend that is marrying someone that isn''t right for her. He will cause them to go bankrupt. And he''s a jerk. I''ve told her how I felt about it but she''s going through with it anyway. Oh well