coddling your DH? : finding a balance

[diamondfan]

I think some things come easily to one person or they simply love doing it. I hate packing, but I put all the stuff out and let hubby put it in bags, as he is super at it and always manages to do a great job.

I also have more time so there are things I do for him because it helps him and I want to be helpful. Otherwise, he would be trying to attend to so many details and it is just easy for me to get them done.

Hubby does some house stuff, but very little. We have full time help so there is not much for him to do. He loves changing lightbulbs that are inaccessible now that I bought that long pole thing with the suction on it...he goes around, takes inventory of all the lights that are out, and goes to work. He also likes to organize his closet and go through the junk, something I dislike and find tedious. It is nice when the things you like balance out the things he likes and vice versa...makes it so much easier to pick your tasks and find things that are special to do for each other.

 

[mimzy]

Date: 8/27/2008 3:57:14 PM
Author: musey

Date: 8/27/2008 3:28:43 PM

Author: Independent Gal

I totally get the packing his bag thing. I don''t know why but I LOOOVE packing DH''s bag.

And he loves making me tea every evening or bringing me glasses of water in the middle of the night. Some little things you just do because you love to do them.

Very true

Mimzy, you must be a saint. I would NOT be able to keep my mouth shut or tolerate socks/dirty clothes on the floor, etc. without saying ''Hey, FI, I''d REALLY like it if you didn''t do that: and here''s why.'' I do his laundry often because I tend to have more free time (off work) than he does, but I take it out of the laundry bin where the dirty clothes belong

Then again, one of FI''s main attractive points, to me, is the way he thoughtfully offers to do the dishes all on his own (especially if I cooked), picks up quarters during his lunch break for the laundry (I hate going out to do this), cooks breakfast in the morning so that I can have my workout (he works out while I''m cooking dinner), etc.... you know? The naturally give-and-take sort of guy. It must be important to me if I sought out that kind of guy, so it makes sense that the opposite type would push my buttons

haha i''m definitely no saint! it just doesn''t really bother me (personally i always giggle when i see them all over the place...little reminders of him when he''s not here). if it really bothered me i would be vocal about it and he''d take care of it.

i don''t want anyone thinking that my FI is the opposite of a ''give and take'' person though

. i didn''t mean to make it sound like he doesn''t do anything to help me out or spoil me himself, he does, that''s not really my issue.....i''m just trying to figure out ways to dote on him that remain unexpected, if you know what i''m saying.

 

[mimzy]

Date: 8/27/2008 5:05:06 PM
Author: diamondfan
I think some things come easily to one person or they simply love doing it. I hate packing, but I put all the stuff out and let hubby put it in bags, as he is super at it and always manages to do a great job.


I also have more time so there are things I do for him because it helps him and I want to be helpful. Otherwise, he would be trying to attend to so many details and it is just easy for me to get them done.


Hubby does some house stuff, but very little. We have full time help so there is not much for him to do. He loves changing lightbulbs that are inaccessible now that I bought that long pole thing with the suction on it...he goes around, takes inventory of all the lights that are out, and goes to work. He also likes to organize his closet and go through the junk, something I dislike and find tedious. It is nice when the things you like balance out the things he likes and vice versa...makes it so much easier to pick your tasks and find things that are special to do for each other.

thanks for replying DF. i''m glad you guys both have things that you like to do.

i''m not really worried about diving up the housework when we get married etc - i know there will be a learning curve, but i don''t expect any huge problems getting him to do his share. i''m just wondering how i can spoil him with *actually* SPOILING him. you know?

 

[mimzy]

Date: 8/27/2008 3:48:51 PM
Author: fieryred33143
I think it’s ok to spoil your partner. I pack his bag as well although that’s mainly because his idea of packing is having shirts and pants to wear. Forget boxers, undershirts and socks

. When I''m going away on a trip, I''ll iron a bunch of work shirts for him because he claims he doesn''t know how to iron. He loves it. He''ll send me an email saying ''My shirts are so crisp, so fresh, and so clean'' LOL

We split the chores but its not an even split. He does all of the cooking because he''s an amazing cook. He throws out the trash cause I find it gross and he cleans the patio. I do everything else. I had a convo with him when we first moved in about appreciation. I told him I don''t need flowers/chocolates/cards for appreciation, I need respect. If I spend the day cleaning the house, don''t turn into a mini-hurrican when you get home. Likewise, if he spends the evening cooking me a delicious dinner then I should sit down at the table and eat it with him.


He also comes straight from his momma''s house where he did nothing all his life so it was a learning curve as deco explained. Is he a Mr. Stewart, no but he recognizes when I need help and 95% of the time he''ll help out

fiery - it sounds like you guys have a great system! and that''s really awesome that you make sure that the appreciation is always there. i WISH my FI was a better cook than me! (not that i''m even average at it haha)

 

[NewEnglandLady]

This thread is interesting to me because I'm definitely not the coddling type and I hate being coddled. To me coddling = neediness and I have an allergy to neediness. That being said, I like to cook. Interestingly enough, DH likes to eat. I cook and he eats. I don't cook for him, I cook for myself (because I love it) and I expect nothing of him. I also like a clean kitchen, so if it's dirty, I clean it. If I ask DH to do it, he will, but it's not about him. It's me, I'm the one who likes the clean kitchen, so I don't mind cleaning it.


You love to cook for your husband, rub his feet, pack his bags, etc. and that is fantastic, but I don't know if it's fair to expect something in return. These things are what you do for him because you like to do them for him, so there should be no strings attached. If D cooked for me, rubbed my feet, packed my bags without me asking him to, then expected something of me in return, I'd be resentful. I'd feel manipulated. This is where communication problems happen. You might see these gestures as signs of appreciation, but he might not care if you cook. Or if the plate is on the table. If you ask him to do it and he doesn't, you might feel disrespected whereas he just doesn't care about the plate.

This is where I disagree that "leaving the mess in the hopes that he will 'get it' and clean it up himself" is a bad idea. I actually think it's a good idea. If you want him to pick up after himself, then ask him to do it and leave it for him to do. If you do it, you're doing it because having the plate off of the table and in the kitchen is more important to you than having him take care of it himself.

I think every couple goes through this kind of adjustment where not only do you have to communicate about these things, but you also have to understand how the other person shows he/she cares. Emotional needs are a very tricky thing and vary for each person.

 

[mimzy]

Date: 8/27/2008 5:21:52 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady
This thread is interesting to me because I''m definitely not the coddling type and I hate being coddled. To me coddling = neediness and I have an allergy to neediness. That being said, I like to cook. Interestingly enough, DH likes to eat. I cook and he eats. I don''t cook for him, I cook for myself (because I love it) and I expect nothing of him. I also like a clean kitchen, so if it''s dirty, I clean it. If I ask DH to do it, he will, but it''s not about him. It''s me, I''m the one who likes the clean kitchen, so I don''t mind cleaning it.



You love to cook for your husband, rub his feet, pack his bags, etc. and that is fantastic, but I don''t know if it''s fair to expect something in return. These things are what you do for him because you like to do them for him, so there should be no strings attached. If D cooked for me, rubbed my feet, packed my bags without me asking him to, then expected something of me in return, I''d be resentful. I''d feel manipulated. This is where communication problems happen. You might see these gestures as signs of appreciation, but he might not care if you cook. Or if the plate is on the table. If you ask him to do it and he doesn''t, you might feel disrespected whereas he just doesn''t care about the plate.


This is where I disagree that ''leaving the mess in the hopes that he will ''get it'' and clean it up himself'' is a bad idea. I actually think it''s a good idea. If you want him to pick up after himself, then ask him to do it and leave it for him to do. If you do it, you''re doing it because having the plate off of the table and in the kitchen is more important to you than having him take care of it himself.


I think every couple goes through this kind of adjustment where not only do you have to communicate about these things, but you also have to understand how the other person shows he/she cares. Emotional needs are a very tricky thing and vary for each person.

thanks for your reply NEL!

i''m not sure what it was about my post though that implied i was trying to get him to do something in return for me...i''m just trying to find ways to spoil him with ACTUALLY spoiling him. he treats me great and i''m not feeling resentful or anything. and i''m not really having trouble communicating with him...i''m just trying to figure out a balance for myself. it''s not about being neat or using jedi mind tricks to get him to do things...i''m messier than he is and, well, the force has never really been on my side in outsmarting people! i''m just looking for ways to channel my ohmygoshiloveyousomuchinyourface feelings without turning him into a baby!

 

[Dreamer_D]

Welcome to the ever-present issue in relationships, Mimzy! Most married women I know spend ages thinking about this stuff.

Date: 8/27/2008 11:00:36 AM
Author: Independent Gal
I know exactly what you mean. I love feeding and caring for my husband. But I also know that when he doesn''t do his share of feeding and caring for me, my resentment grows.

So, you want to nip this in the bud before it becomes and expectation.

Here is one idea, take it or leave it!

I''d be really straightforward. Tell him how much you LOVE to look after him, but that your marriage is not going to be a happy one unless it''s an equal one. Suggest that the two of you sit down and make a list of all the things required to run a household, from cleaning, to groceries, to laundry, to calling the phone company when they muck up your bill. Then estimate roughly how much time each activity takes, and take turns picking the chores you like or are good at, keeping the number of hours as even as possible.

Tell him this will be your plan for when you move in together, and that for the moment, you''d find it so loving and great if he were to start with little things around your place, like cleaning up after you cook, etc.

Then, whenever he does something he was supposed to, whether or not you had to ask him, say ''Thank you!''

We make a point of thanking each other every time (or nearly) we do a chore. So DH says ''Thanks for doing the laundry!'' and I say ''Thanks for getting the groceries!'' That way, neither of us ever allows the other to feel taken for granted.

I agree with everything Indy says here. The thing is, it will only work if you have a responsive partner who is motivated to make you happy and take care of you, too. If he is a "traditional" male who doesn''t listen to you and isn''t motivated to care for you and work with you, then all the lists in the world won''t matter! But it sounds like you do have a responsive partner, he is just doing what we ALL would do if we could---letting someone else take care of it! I''d love someone to do everything for me, how great? Like being a kid again!

The nice thing about the type of arrangement that Indy suggests is there is no arguing about who does what... these are the jobs and people just do them!
In my house, we have a cleaner and so all the cleaning stuff is taken care of. Otherwise, an informal split of jobs has taken place which satisfies both of us. We never actualy sat down, but out split is about 50-50 and it satisfies us both. We both work outside the home so I feel that we shoud BOTH take care of each other equally! And we also say thanks to each other everytime we make a household contribution. It really goes a long way.

Basically, whatever you decide, nip it in the bud now and find a split of labour that makes you both happy. Coddle him all you want! But make sure he coddles you too, it''ll make things much better in the end. Oh, and since household chores are typically the woman''s domain and many of us have an implicit assumption that it is our responsibility, I think that things are only really equal if you feel guilty and selfish about all the stuff he does for you

Ignore that voice, this is the modern era and equality is just fine. Do something extra nice for him if it makes you feel better... just don''t make it a chore... I''m sure you can think of something

 

[mimzy]

Date: 8/27/2008 6:32:00 PM
Author: dreamer_dachsie
Ignore that voice, this is the modern era and equality is just fine. Do something extra nice for him if it makes you feel better... just don''t make it a chore... I''m sure you can think of something

that''s what i''m trying to figure out! i''m trying to figure out ways to coddle him in ways that won''t turn me into a fifties housewife!

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Date: 8/27/2008 5:21:52 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady
This thread is interesting to me because I'm definitely not the coddling type and I hate being coddled. To me coddling = neediness and I have an allergy to neediness. That being said, I like to cook. Interestingly enough, DH likes to eat. I cook and he eats. I don't cook for him, I cook for myself (because I love it) and I expect nothing of him. I also like a clean kitchen, so if it's dirty, I clean it. If I ask DH to do it, he will, but it's not about him. It's me, I'm the one who likes the clean kitchen, so I don't mind cleaning it.


You love to cook for your husband, rub his feet, pack his bags, etc. and that is fantastic, but I don't know if it's fair to expect something in return. These things are what you do for him because you like to do them for him, so there should be no strings attached. If D cooked for me, rubbed my feet, packed my bags without me asking him to, then expected something of me in return, I'd be resentful. I'd feel manipulated. This is where communication problems happen. You might see these gestures as signs of appreciation, but he might not care if you cook. Or if the plate is on the table. If you ask him to do it and he doesn't, you might feel disrespected whereas he just doesn't care about the plate.

This is where I disagree that 'leaving the mess in the hopes that he will 'get it' and clean it up himself' is a bad idea. I actually think it's a good idea. If you want him to pick up after himself, then ask him to do it and leave it for him to do. If you do it, you're doing it because having the plate off of the table and in the kitchen is more important to you than having him take care of it himself.

I think every couple goes through this kind of adjustment where not only do you have to communicate about these things, but you also have to understand how the other person shows he/she cares. Emotional needs are a very tricky thing and vary for each person.

Ah, I completely understand. For some reason I thought it was a classic "I don't feel appreciated" type of situation. Sorry about that!!

I see absolutely nothing wrong with doing the things you love for him simply because you love to do them. You're not doing it FOR him, you're doing it for yourself because you love them, there is a big difference there. A few months ago I went through a period where I shed all roles that might define me as "wife" and it wasn't so fun. In the end, I realized that I was letting other people's opinions about what a wife SHOULD do affect my actions and if I loved it, why should I care? So I'm back to cooking simply because I enjoy it, not because it has anything to do with being a wife.

So coddle all you want and if he starts acting like a big baby then you won't enjoy it anymore and you'll stop If you both like it, though, there's nothing to worry about.

ETA: Oops, I just quoted myself instead of you, Mimzy! How narcissistic of me, haha. Sorry!

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 8/27/2008 6:42:00 PM
Author: mimzy

Date: 8/27/2008 6:32:00 PM
Author: dreamer_dachsie
Ignore that voice, this is the modern era and equality is just fine. Do something extra nice for him if it makes you feel better... just don''t make it a chore... I''m sure you can think of something

that''s what i''m trying to figure out! i''m trying to figure out ways to coddle him in ways that won''t turn me into a fifties housewife!

Why can''t doing your half of the "duties" feel special and like coddling? I do DH''s laundry, and take care of the banking, and make him great meals and he loves all those things. And he drives me to work, and takes care of the dogs, and always cleans the kitchen, and I love all those things!

When I want to do something extra special I might do something that I know he really likes but maybe I am not so into... like snuggling him on the couch. It''s something he likes more than me, so it feels like coddling but it isn''t part of the "trade"!

 

[diamondfan]

Mimzy, all I can say is that you just need to do from the heart, if you love and want to, and do not worry about it. I always say you cannot spoil a child by loving them, and I think the same likely applies to hubbies too! If you wish to and feel so inclined just do all the things you wish. In my view, any time you do from the heart and are loving and happy to do it, well, it is just a great thing to do...it will come back to you in spades.

 

[divergrrl]

Just have kids. You won''t have time for him. It was a rude awakening for mine!

 

[pennquaker09]

Date: 8/27/2008 11:00:36 AM
Author: Independent Gal
I know exactly what you mean. I love feeding and caring for my husband. But I also know that when he doesn''t do his share of feeding and caring for me, my resentment grows.


So, you want to nip this in the bud before it becomes and expectation.


Here is one idea, take it or leave it!


I''d be really straightforward. Tell him how much you LOVE to look after him, but that your marriage is not going to be a happy one unless it''s an equal one. Suggest that the two of you sit down and make a list of all the things required to run a household, from cleaning, to groceries, to laundry, to calling the phone company when they muck up your bill. Then estimate roughly how much time each activity takes, and take turns picking the chores you like or are good at, keeping the number of hours as even as possible.


Tell him this will be your plan for when you move in together, and that for the moment, you''d find it so loving and great if he were to start with little things around your place, like cleaning up after you cook, etc.


Then, whenever he does something he was supposed to, whether or not you had to ask him, say ''Thank you!''


We make a point of thanking each other every time (or nearly) we do a chore. So DH says ''Thanks for doing the laundry!'' and I say ''Thanks for getting the groceries!'' That way, neither of us ever allows the other to feel taken for granted.

I don''t know how to highlight, but the last part of your post gets a big ditto. We both say thank you to each other. It''s amazing how powerful a thank you is.

 

[mimzy]

Date: 8/27/2008 10:58:10 PM
Author: diamondfan
Mimzy, all I can say is that you just need to do from the heart, if you love and want to, and do not worry about it. I always say you cannot spoil a child by loving them, and I think the same likely applies to hubbies too! If you wish to and feel so inclined just do all the things you wish. In my view, any time you do from the heart and are loving and happy to do it, well, it is just a great thing to do...it will come back to you in spades.

i think this is what i''m circling around to. i just get paranoid sometimes that i''m not handling the situation or myself in the smartest way possible, and get wrapped up in potential consequences. i think i am going to stop worrying about what will happen if i give him foot rubs too often and just rub away to my hearts content (or his). thanks DF.

 

[Bliss]

Well, I just wanna say that your FI is one lucky man!

My mama told me that I needed to set the stage for how things are going to be early on. So all the sweet and awesome things FI does for me, I'd usually say no, no... it's OK, I can do it myself. She was like, "Accept his love and let him do things for you even though you can do it yourself...because once you get married, if you keep refusing it, he will stop doing it." So little things, like he offers to carry my purse... or bring me water in bed when I'm thirsty, I let him do it because it brings him pleasure!

In your situation, I would keep being awesome to him (that is real love!) but also lay it out from the beginning. What I do is, I love to cook. So I say, "Do you want a delicious dinner, Sweetie? I'll whip us up some amazing _____ if you clean it all up!" And he'll happily jump at the idea. Then after dinner, just stretch and smile as he cleans it all up. Don't move one thing! Don't even start putting the dishes in the sink. Just sit there and sigh happily. If he doesn't budge, say something like, "Thanks for cleaning up, Darling!" And go do something fun or relax somewhere else.

If you want him to clean up more, I would train him gently. REALLY praise the times he does pick up. When he doesn't, offer to "help" him clean up his stuff so it's not like it's YOUR job. "Do you need help picking up your stuff?" And the next time, he can pick up your slack. "Honey, I need some help today..." Then it's a team effort instead of one person barking orders at the other. I am an adult and I still hate being "told" what to do. Me no likey the nagging. LOL. Thank God FI knows it, too.

Hope that helps! Eventually, it'll be like clockwork. He knows when I cook he cleans everything up! He won't even let me pick up the dishes anymore. Start with a favorite meal of his...and make it habit! If you start to feel resentful, mentally think of all the stuff he does for you. Usually, it is pretty equal. Hopefully it is!

 

[Bliss]

Date: 8/28/2008 3:28:55 PM
Author: mimzy

Date: 8/27/2008 10:58:10 PM
Author: diamondfan
Mimzy, all I can say is that you just need to do from the heart, if you love and want to, and do not worry about it. I always say you cannot spoil a child by loving them, and I think the same likely applies to hubbies too! If you wish to and feel so inclined just do all the things you wish. In my view, any time you do from the heart and are loving and happy to do it, well, it is just a great thing to do...it will come back to you in spades.

i think this is what i''m circling around to. i just get paranoid sometimes that i''m not handling the situation or myself in the smartest way possible, and get wrapped up in potential consequences. i think i am going to stop worrying about what will happen if i give him foot rubs too often and just rub away to my hearts content (or his). thanks DF.

That is beautiful!

If you like getting foot rubs, maybe you could take turns as well. That''s always fun! Or lie on the couch at opposite ends and give simultaneous foot rubs!

 

[Bliss]

Date: 8/27/2008 2:35:41 PM
Author: mimzy

Date: 8/27/2008 10:39:17 AM
Author: LuckyTexan
I think we all start out thinking that being Betty Crocker meets June Cleaver is going to let our men know that we really love them, and want to take care of them, but as you can already see, there has to be a limit!


My advice is to keep everything in perspective. Depending on your role in the household (are you a wage earner or not), there should be a clear cut 'list' of what you are 'responsible' for, and what is to be left up to him. I'm very traditional in my 'gender roles', but even the most liberal woman can understand that if he's at work all day, and you stay home, things shouldn't be split 50/50!


I will tell you what doesn't work:

-leaving the mess in the hopes that he will 'get it' and clean it up himself.

-cutting your eyes at him as you quickly remove his mess for him.

-saying stuff like 'you know we don't have a maid' in the hopes that he will hire one

Remember this one thing. Whatever he thinks he can do NOW, he will do 10 times more after you are married. So a gentle boundary conversation may be in order. Depending on his personality... say what you need to say!

haha the bolded part made me laugh. he has this great habit of taking his socks off as soon as he comes over and throwing them at me wherever i am. consequently there are usually at least 12 pairs of socks laying around my living room/dining room area and i REFUSE to pick them up! one day i made my apt spotless because we were having company but i left the socks laying around...needless to say he was pretty embarrassed when our friends showed up! he also leaves his dirty clothes in a pile in the bathroom whenever he showers here and then whines that he doesn't have any clean clothes! hey man, no skin off my back if you can't find a clean shirt!

as far as traditional gender roles go, i'm a student right now, so i have more time at home (but more work overall maybe?) and we dont' live together, so there's really no division of labor to speak of - i take care of my apartment like a good renter (he helps out when i ask for something specifically though) and i just want him to pull his weight (which varies...sometimes he's here 6 out of 7 days/nights a week, others just a few. when i get a job we'll be making equal, if i'm not making a little more, but i don't think that will have any bearing on it because we'll have similar hours.

Mimzy, that is SO awesome!!!!! FI is also a sock slacker. I fixed it by taking one sock hostage every time he did it. LOL. And I would not release custody until the problem had been fixed. I even took pictures of the socks I had hostage and pasted them on the wall along with my demands for ransom. Heehee.

He ran out of socks and I didn't budge on giving them up. It was pretty memorable and we still laugh about it. And he doesn't do it anymore!

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Date: 8/28/2008 12:38:11 AM
Author: divergrrl
Just have kids. You won''t have time for him. It was a rude awakening for mine!

ROFL!

This is true. So true!

 

[Miranda]

Date: 8/27/2008 10:58:10 PM
Author: diamondfan
Mimzy, all I can say is that you just need to do from the heart, if you love and want to, and do not worry about it. I always say you cannot spoil a child by loving them, and I think the same likely applies to hubbies too! If you wish to and feel so inclined just do all the things you wish. In my view, any time you do from the heart and are loving and happy to do it, well, it is just a great thing to do...it will come back to you in spades.

Ditto! I meet DH''s needs because I love him and I love making him happy. He does the same for me! His needs come naturally to me, though. I''m not doing anything that feels foreign.

If fifties housewife works for you guys...So be it!!!

LOL, I love the sock stories girls...Hysterical!

 

[Linda W]

Date: 8/28/2008 8:51:55 PM
Author: Miranda

Date: 8/27/2008 10:58:10 PM

Author: diamondfan

Mimzy, all I can say is that you just need to do from the heart, if you love and want to, and do not worry about it. I always say you cannot spoil a child by loving them, and I think the same likely applies to hubbies too! If you wish to and feel so inclined just do all the things you wish. In my view, any time you do from the heart and are loving and happy to do it, well, it is just a great thing to do...it will come back to you in spades.

Ditto! I meet DH''s needs because I love him and I love making him happy. He does the same for me! His needs come naturally to me, though. I''m not doing anything that feels foreign.


If fifties housewife works for you guys...So be it!!!


Ditto Miranda, I am what you call a 50''s housewife. Learned everything from my mom. I wouldn''t have it any other way. Most of my girlfriends are my age and also "50''s housewives", may be just our generation, who knows, but I am happy with it, so is DH.

Linda