coddling your DH? : finding a balance

[mimzy]

married ladies (and gents), i need your help!

i love my FI. i love to rub his feet and cuddle him and let him relax instead of help with wedding things after work and make him dinner and clean up after him and pack his bags for vacation and do things for him that he can do himself. i love doing these things because it's a really easy way to show him (read: channel) my overwhelming love and appreciation of him. i know he appreciates it and i never feel like i'm being taken for granted.

but...........i don't want him to turn back into a baby. i want him to be self sufficient. i don't want him to be helpless by the time he's 30! i don't want him to *need* me to do those things for him. so how do i indulge him without totally babying him?

example: i enjoy making him a dinner that he enjoys (and is likely better than he'd have if he were left to his own devices), especially if i had the day off or got home early. that combined with the fact that he's likely to be at my apartment, it seems pretty intuitive that i'd make the dinner and clean up. but more often than not i'll bring him his plate to the couch (i don't have much of a table) and he'll leave it there if i don't offer to take it right when he's done. it's not exactly a crime against humanity and i'm guilty of doing the same, but i'm afraid that a bad pattern is emerging, ESPECIALLY with our wedding on the horizon - he'll be moving into my apartment, which i fear he will still see as 'mine' instead of 'ours' (meaning, he won't have a sense of ownership about it, making him less likely to take part in picking up, etc). or i'll let him off the hook for some wedding things, but that makes him more resistant when i really DO ask for his help. do you know what i mean?

it's not that i'm angry or upset about these things, i just find myself in a pickle. i don't have a problem letting him know that he's capable of doing whatever himself (or with me i guess), but that only seems to work in that scenerio, if at all (i.e. he'll take his plate to the sink, but put it on the counter next to the sink to let the food harden). he's never *really* lived away from home before, so i know that that is playing into the scenerio to.

so how do i dote on him without totally spoiling him? how did you find a balance? i want to be conistent, but i'm not sure how!

 

[decodelighted]

I''d say start with just asking for what you want. "Would you mind cleaning up tonight? I''m beat." Or ... if he''s leaving in the morning (or evening .. whatever) "Could you take the trash out with you?" Just little requests to kind of show him the extent of all you do naturally because you''ve been used to living on your own. It''ll be a learning curve I''m sure! But, hopefully, he''ll be willing & able to help out. I''d also suggest a frank discussion about how you''ll be dividing up the chores & food shopping & cooking duties. You may have to list them out - because there are many he might not be aware of! People have vastly different expectations about how often bathrooms get cleaned etc. So getting a framework set up that you both agree on & are comfortable with *in advance* will help the transition go more smoothly.

My DH moved into *my* place ... and while he still sometimes resents any problems with the house *I* chose

... I think he feels almost as much ownership of it now (after three years) as I do.

Good luck!

 

[purrfectpear]

Deco pretty much covered it. Since your DH has never lived away from home on his own, I would definitely set aside a time to list all the household chores and have a talk about how you were going to divide them up. He''ll probably be aghast at how many there are since his mom took care of them for him

I hope you have him trained over leaving the toilet seat up

 

[geckodani]

I agree that Deco pretty much nailed it.

My husband works full time and is in law school, so I tend to do pretty much everything around the house (the man barely has time to sleep). BUT - he does the dishes and takes out the trash every day. It''s about all he has time for, but he does it religiously, and it shows that he''s trying to help.

I''d say just have a chat with him and make sure that the workload is as evenly divided as possible.

 

[applequeen]

I have found that asking (like others have already suggested) goes a long way. I really don''t think that some guys "get" that they are supposed to help with stuff like that (or... if it''s not their home then they may not feel comfortable taking the initiative). I don''t think it''s a case of them not wanting to help or even refusing to help...I think they just don''t always get it.

I have a wonderful husband who (as wonderful as he really is) does not always notice that the dishwasher needs to be unloaded (and thus he would not have to pile his dirty dishes in the sink if he would unload the dishwasher and put the dirty dishes in them) or that the floors need to be swept (but will say things like "gosh the floors are dirty)... anyway... you get my point. The thing is that he doesn''t mind doing those things and he does help me a lot around the house BUT I have to sometimes ask him to do it. I''ve tried getting angry with him and saying things to him like "why should I have to remind you to dust the table... who reminds me to dust it? I see that it needs to be dusted and I take care of it". That method does help a little but what I''ve found works the best is to just ask him (nicely) "honey, I know you''ve got a lot going on today but would you please dust the table".... and I always remember to say Thank You.

I think that showing appreciation for the things that we do for each other every day goes a long way and it''s easy to take all those things for granted. Yesterday I went home (very tired... long day) and went to unload the dishwasher and to my surprise I found he''d already done it. I immediatly sent him a text message (he was at work) thanking him for it and telling him how much I appreciate and love him. It''s easy to want to help when you feel the help is appreciated.

Something that I love that my husband does is when we sit down to dinner (which I''ve usually cooked) he usually says a blessing and always thanks God for me and for all I do for him (in that case preparing the meal). It sometimes brings a tear to my eye when he says it just the right way.

 

[sklingem]

Hey Mimzy -
I think that you have a very lucky man here! But obviously you are looking for more balance/help, otherwise you would not be posting, right? I suggest that you have a talk and a plan on how to divide up the chores. I would also suggest making up consistent rules, so that you don''t alsways have to ask him to do stuff, which could turn into/be interpreted as nagging. For example you could say: "Hey honey, on days when I am at home/have time I will usually do the shopping and cooking. (On these days) I would really like you to do the dishes when we are done with dinner". I also agree with previous posters that praise/rewards work really well - though that also has to go both ways. YOUR work should not be taken for granted. Balanced/equitable relationships are usually happier ones - so don''t wait! Good luck!

 

[LuckyTexan]

I think we all start out thinking that being Betty Crocker meets June Cleaver is going to let our men know that we really love them, and want to take care of them, but as you can already see, there has to be a limit!

My advice is to keep everything in perspective. Depending on your role in the household (are you a wage earner or not), there should be a clear cut ''list'' of what you are ''responsible'' for, and what is to be left up to him. I''m very traditional in my ''gender roles'', but even the most liberal woman can understand that if he''s at work all day, and you stay home, things shouldn''t be split 50/50!

I will tell you what doesn''t work:
-leaving the mess in the hopes that he will ''get it'' and clean it up himself.
-cutting your eyes at him as you quickly remove his mess for him.

-saying stuff like ''you know we don''t have a maid'' in the hopes that he will hire one

Remember this one thing. Whatever he thinks he can do NOW, he will do 10 times more after you are married. So a gentle boundary conversation may be in order. Depending on his personality... say what you need to say!

 

[Independent Gal]

I know exactly what you mean. I love feeding and caring for my husband. But I also know that when he doesn''t do his share of feeding and caring for me, my resentment grows.

So, you want to nip this in the bud before it becomes and expectation.

Here is one idea, take it or leave it!

I''d be really straightforward. Tell him how much you LOVE to look after him, but that your marriage is not going to be a happy one unless it''s an equal one. Suggest that the two of you sit down and make a list of all the things required to run a household, from cleaning, to groceries, to laundry, to calling the phone company when they muck up your bill. Then estimate roughly how much time each activity takes, and take turns picking the chores you like or are good at, keeping the number of hours as even as possible.

Tell him this will be your plan for when you move in together, and that for the moment, you''d find it so loving and great if he were to start with little things around your place, like cleaning up after you cook, etc.

Then, whenever he does something he was supposed to, whether or not you had to ask him, say ''Thank you!''

We make a point of thanking each other every time (or nearly) we do a chore. So DH says "Thanks for doing the laundry!" and I say "Thanks for getting the groceries!" That way, neither of us ever allows the other to feel taken for granted.

 

[D2B]

hmmmm. I think as previous posters have mentioned you need to talk with him, expectations, reality, divividing up chores that suits you both. Is he happy to help when you are sick or feeling low?

The other thing to consider is if you want to have children in the future, you will be HIGLY unlikely to have the time, patience or energy to treat your DH like this - again something that needs to be clarified beforehand.

I really would recommend talking about it all. I agree with decodelighteds suggestions.
Good luck,

d2b

 

[meresal]

Date: 8/27/2008 10:39:17 AM
Author: LuckyTexan
I think we all start out thinking that being Betty Crocker meets June Cleaver is going to let our men know that we really love them, and want to take care of them, but as you can already see, there has to be a limit!

My advice is to keep everything in perspective. Depending on your role in the household (are you a wage earner or not), there should be a clear cut ''list'' of what you are ''responsible'' for, and what is to be left up to him. I''m very traditional in my ''gender roles'', but even the most liberal woman can understand that if he''s at work all day, and you stay home, things shouldn''t be split 50/50!

I will tell you what doesn''t work:
-leaving the mess in the hopes that he will ''get it'' and clean it up himself.
-cutting your eyes at him as you quickly remove his mess for him.

-saying stuff like ''you know we don''t have a maid'' in the hopes that he will hire one

Remember this one thing. Whatever he thinks he can do NOW, he will do 10 times more after you are married. So a gentle boundary conversation may be in order. Depending on his personality... say what you need to say!

Unfortunately, my FI''s personality is "Selective Listener", so I have to say things multiple times, which just so happens to be my biggest pet peeve.

I don''t think that splitting up chores is a great idea, however sharing part of each duty works better for me. I was told something by my parents that I think is very true... "It''s never going to boad well when you try to keep count." Just ask for some help. Ask him to fill his bowls/plates with water in the sink, but let him know that you''ll move them to the dish washer. (What FI does now, and I really appreciate it. Less scrubbing for me, so I don''t mind washing them out like I used to). Ask him to set out all the plates/bowls/silverware and make drinks before you give him his dinner, so that it''s not just you serving him, but it''s actually a joint effort.

Just some examples from my household that are working very well.

FYI: Purrfect, want to hear FI''s response to the toilet seat dilemma... "I don''t ask you to put it up when you''re done."

 

[diamondfan]

We are married a long time and I do certain things but try to not overdo. He actually coddles me a bit more about in terms of travel help and making plans etc...I let him do most of it. Dinner arrangements, plans, hotels, etc.

At home, I cook for my kids and there is always stuff to eat, but he often comes home so late that I am not willing to stand up to make something else. He is pretty self sufficient which is nice.

I arrange massages for him, I take his car in for service so he can not have to worry about it...it is a 30 minute drive to the dealer in the opposite direction of his downtown office and I try to do that as it really helps him. He books his own haircuts. I typically call and get his prescription renewals from the doctor...

Overall he is very self sufficient and does a lot for himself.

 

[jewelerman]

Date: 8/27/2008 2:21:15 AM
Author:mimzy
married ladies (and gents), i need your help!

i love my FI. i love to rub his feet and cuddle him and let him relax instead of help with wedding things after work and make him dinner and clean up after him and pack his bags for vacation and do things for him that he can do himself. i love doing these things because it''s a really easy way to show him (read: channel) my overwhelming love and appreciation of him. i know he appreciates it and i never feel like i''m being taken for granted.

but...........i don''t want him to turn back into a baby. i want him to be self sufficient. i don''t want him to be helpless by the time he''s 30! i don''t want him to *need* me to do those things for him. so how do i indulge him without totally babying him?

example: i enjoy making him a dinner that he enjoys (and is likely better than he''d have if he were left to his own devices), especially if i had the day off or got home early. that combined with the fact that he''s likely to be at my apartment, it seems pretty intuitive that i''d make the dinner and clean up. but more often than not i''ll bring him his plate to the couch (i don''t have much of a table) and he''ll leave it there if i don''t offer to take it right when he''s done. it''s not exactly a crime against humanity and i''m guilty of doing the same, but i''m afraid that a bad pattern is emerging, ESPECIALLY with our wedding on the horizon - he''ll be moving into my apartment, which i fear he will still see as ''mine'' instead of ''ours'' (meaning, he won''t have a sense of ownership about it, making him less likely to take part in picking up, etc). or i''ll let him off the hook for some wedding things, but that makes him more resistant when i really DO ask for his help. do you know what i mean?

it''s not that i''m angry or upset about these things, i just find myself in a pickle. i don''t have a problem letting him know that he''s capable of doing whatever himself (or with me i guess), but that only seems to work in that scenerio, if at all (i.e. he''ll take his plate to the sink, but put it on the counter next to the sink to let the food harden). he''s never *really* lived away from home before, so i know that that is playing into the scenerio to.

so how do i dote on him without totally spoiling him? how did you find a balance? i want to be conistent, but i''m not sure how!

You need a sit down talk...no beating around the bush and hope he can read my mind situations.You have already set a pattern of allowing him to be dependant apon you and take you for granted(packing his bag when he travels..wow...even my mother expected more from me)and now you want to change the rules...you should have expected that he be part of the work in the relationship from the first.If one person wants to do everything then why should the other lift a finger?So now its time for damage contol...each person gets equal time to clean and cook and do what ever needs to be done and you can show him how much you care by taking his turn now and again.But he cant read your mind...tell him what you need and listen to what he needs.If mothers and fathers would expect their sons to help more in the kitchen and laundry room then men would be more prepared to be equals in the home when they get married.

 

[mimzy]

Date: 8/27/2008 2:31:43 AM
Author: decodelighted
I''d say start with just asking for what you want. ''Would you mind cleaning up tonight? I''m beat.'' Or ... if he''s leaving in the morning (or evening .. whatever) ''Could you take the trash out with you?'' Just little requests to kind of show him the extent of all you do naturally because you''ve been used to living on your own. It''ll be a learning curve I''m sure! But, hopefully, he''ll be willing & able to help out. I''d also suggest a frank discussion about how you''ll be dividing up the chores & food shopping & cooking duties. You may have to list them out - because there are many he might not be aware of! People have vastly different expectations about how often bathrooms get cleaned etc. So getting a framework set up that you both agree on & are comfortable with *in advance* will help the transition go more smoothly.


My DH moved into *my* place ... and while he still sometimes resents any problems with the house *I* chose

... I think he feels almost as much ownership of it now (after three years) as I do.

Good luck!

thanks deco! i do ask him to do certain things around the apt like take out the trash with him or on occasion clean a certain room (usually the kitchen) if it is a ''cleaning weekend'', etc and he''s usually happy to oblige. i think i might start tacking a few more things onto the list and/or more frequently, for transitions sake, like you said. i''m pretty lax about cleaning (read:i''m a slob), so i''m more concerned about the little things that i do for him, as opposed to the housework in general, but i think the principle is the same.

 

[mimzy]

Date: 8/27/2008 9:38:53 AM
Author: applequeen
I have found that asking (like others have already suggested) goes a long way. I really don''t think that some guys ''get'' that they are supposed to help with stuff like that (or... if it''s not their home then they may not feel comfortable taking the initiative). I don''t think it''s a case of them not wanting to help or even refusing to help...I think they just don''t always get it.


I have a wonderful husband who (as wonderful as he really is) does not always notice that the dishwasher needs to be unloaded (and thus he would not have to pile his dirty dishes in the sink if he would unload the dishwasher and put the dirty dishes in them) or that the floors need to be swept (but will say things like ''gosh the floors are dirty)... anyway... you get my point. The thing is that he doesn''t mind doing those things and he does help me a lot around the house BUT I have to sometimes ask him to do it. I''ve tried getting angry with him and saying things to him like ''why should I have to remind you to dust the table... who reminds me to dust it? I see that it needs to be dusted and I take care of it''. That method does help a little but what I''ve found works the best is to just ask him (nicely) ''honey, I know you''ve got a lot going on today but would you please dust the table''.... and I always remember to say Thank You.


I think that showing appreciation for the things that we do for each other every day goes a long way and it''s easy to take all those things for granted. Yesterday I went home (very tired... long day) and went to unload the dishwasher and to my surprise I found he''d already done it. I immediatly sent him a text message (he was at work) thanking him for it and telling him how much I appreciate and love him. It''s easy to want to help when you feel the help is appreciated.


Something that I love that my husband does is when we sit down to dinner (which I''ve usually cooked) he usually says a blessing and always thanks God for me and for all I do for him (in that case preparing the meal). It sometimes brings a tear to my eye when he says it just the right way.

applequeen, the bolded part sounds JUST like my FI haha. as in, when it comes to some housework, it doesn''t even cross his mind that he could do something about it himself (but again, it is my apartment....for the moment). and i think that you are right on about showing appreciation. there was a time earlier on that i used to get really frustrated with him not helping out (mostly with wedding stuff) but we had a good talk and it''s been MUCH better since then. and it''s funny that you suggested what you did - i have actually tried to make it a habit of posing requests in the form of "i know you had a long day and work but maybe after you''ve sat down for a few we could work __ this together? i''d really like that", etc. and it''s been really good. the other weekend he even asked, first thing on a saturday morning, what he could do for me that day!i was pretty blown away. so in that respect i really have nothing to complain about!

 

[Lurchie]

I won''t repeat the good advice that''s been offered already, but I do come at it from a slightly different persectvie in that in my relationship, the traditional roles are kind of reversed. DH is extremely neat and orderly and when we first moved in together he would get annoyed at me for not doing certain things. My response was, if I don''t know what your expectations are, then you have no right to be disappointed when I don''t meet them. So absolutely, communicate your desires. See, there I go repeating the advice after I said I wouldn''t!

 

[mimzy]

Date: 8/27/2008 9:49:12 AM
Author: rob09
Hey Mimzy -

I think that you have a very lucky man here! But obviously you are looking for more balance/help, otherwise you would not be posting, right? I suggest that you have a talk and a plan on how to divide up the chores. I would also suggest making up consistent rules, so that you don''t alsways have to ask him to do stuff, which could turn into/be interpreted as nagging. For example you could say: ''Hey honey, on days when I am at home/have time I will usually do the shopping and cooking. (On these days) I would really like you to do the dishes when we are done with dinner''. I also agree with previous posters that praise/rewards work really well - though that also has to go both ways. YOUR work should not be taken for granted. Balanced/equitable relationships are usually happier ones - so don''t wait! Good luck!

thanks rob

. i think you''re right on about consistent rules, etc but it''s hard because he''s not living here yet! but i think that there are some things that i can sort do like putting dishes in the sink: as in, i can tell him that he needs to do it consistently for a month before i''ll take another one for him (to form a habit). i think that laying it out there that i''m not doing it not because i don''t want to but for a certain reason (i''m all for showing my cards!). i think i might give that a try.

 

[mimzy]

Date: 8/27/2008 10:39:17 AM
Author: LuckyTexan
I think we all start out thinking that being Betty Crocker meets June Cleaver is going to let our men know that we really love them, and want to take care of them, but as you can already see, there has to be a limit!


My advice is to keep everything in perspective. Depending on your role in the household (are you a wage earner or not), there should be a clear cut ''list'' of what you are ''responsible'' for, and what is to be left up to him. I''m very traditional in my ''gender roles'', but even the most liberal woman can understand that if he''s at work all day, and you stay home, things shouldn''t be split 50/50!


I will tell you what doesn''t work:

-leaving the mess in the hopes that he will ''get it'' and clean it up himself.

-cutting your eyes at him as you quickly remove his mess for him.

-saying stuff like ''you know we don''t have a maid'' in the hopes that he will hire one

Remember this one thing. Whatever he thinks he can do NOW, he will do 10 times more after you are married. So a gentle boundary conversation may be in order. Depending on his personality... say what you need to say!

haha the bolded part made me laugh. he has this great habit of taking his socks off as soon as he comes over and throwing them at me wherever i am. consequently there are usually at least 12 pairs of socks laying around my living room/dining room area and i REFUSE to pick them up! one day i made my apt spotless because we were having company but i left the socks laying around...needless to say he was pretty embarrassed when our friends showed up! he also leaves his dirty clothes in a pile in the bathroom whenever he showers here and then whines that he doesn''t have any clean clothes! hey man, no skin off my back if you can''t find a clean shirt!

as far as traditional gender roles go, i''m a student right now, so i have more time at home (but more work overall maybe?) and we dont'' live together, so there''s really no division of labor to speak of - i take care of my apartment like a good renter (he helps out when i ask for something specifically though) and i just want him to pull his weight (which varies...sometimes he''s here 6 out of 7 days/nights a week, others just a few. when i get a job we''ll be making equal, if i''m not making a little more, but i don''t think that will have any bearing on it because we''ll have similar hours.

 

[mimzy]

Date: 8/27/2008 11:00:36 AM
Author: Independent Gal
I know exactly what you mean. I love feeding and caring for my husband. But I also know that when he doesn''t do his share of feeding and caring for me, my resentment grows.


So, you want to nip this in the bud before it becomes and expectation.


Here is one idea, take it or leave it!


I''d be really straightforward. Tell him how much you LOVE to look after him, but that your marriage is not going to be a happy one unless it''s an equal one. Suggest that the two of you sit down and make a list of all the things required to run a household, from cleaning, to groceries, to laundry, to calling the phone company when they muck up your bill. Then estimate roughly how much time each activity takes, and take turns picking the chores you like or are good at, keeping the number of hours as even as possible.


Tell him this will be your plan for when you move in together, and that for the moment, you''d find it so loving and great if he were to start with little things around your place, like cleaning up after you cook, etc.


Then, whenever he does something he was supposed to, whether or not you had to ask him, say ''Thank you!''


We make a point of thanking each other every time (or nearly) we do a chore. So DH says ''Thanks for doing the laundry!'' and I say ''Thanks for getting the groceries!'' That way, neither of us ever allows the other to feel taken for granted.

great advice indy

. i have no problem being straightforward.....it''s actually pretty comical between us because we are both so aware of how he JUST DOESN''T GET IT when it comes to some things so when i ask/tell him to do something (anything) for the sixth time i''m usually cracking up when i do it because it''s really quite astounding how dense he is sometimes! so yes, nothing other than straightforward works for him/us. and i''m definitely in the habit of saying thank you and "i know you''re busy but i''d really appreciate it if...." (born of a whole other issue!).

for awhile i didn''t think that we would have to formally divide up chores, etc (it wouldn''t bother me if we didn''t), but i think that in the beginning it would be good for him to have it in his head that okay "THIS is what i have to do", sort of to ween him into taking on more responsibility.

 

[mimzy]

Date: 8/27/2008 11:01:54 AM
Author: D2B
hmmmm. I think as previous posters have mentioned you need to talk with him, expectations, reality, divividing up chores that suits you both. Is he happy to help when you are sick or feeling low?


The other thing to consider is if you want to have children in the future, you will be HIGLY unlikely to have the time, patience or energy to treat your DH like this - again something that needs to be clarified beforehand.


I really would recommend talking about it all. I agree with decodelighteds suggestions.

Good luck,

d2b

i am lucky that he is a very good man in terms of treating me well in return - he''s generally happy to help out if i need/ask for it

and i''ve totally thought about how it''s going to change when we have kids! it will definitely be a transition...

 

[mimzy]

oops

 

[mimzy]

Date: 8/27/2008 11:03:00 AM
Author: meresal

Date: 8/27/2008 10:39:17 AM

Unfortunately, my FI''s personality is ''Selective Listener'', so I have to say things multiple times, which just so happens to be my biggest pet peeve.


I don''t think that splitting up chores is a great idea, however sharing part of each duty works better for me. I was told something by my parents that I think is very true... ''It''s never going to boad well when you try to keep count.'' Just ask for some help. Ask him to fill his bowls/plates with water in the sink, but let him know that you''ll move them to the dish washer. (What FI does now, and I really appreciate it. Less scrubbing for me, so I don''t mind washing them out like I used to). Ask him to set out all the plates/bowls/silverware and make drinks before you give him his dinner, so that it''s not just you serving him, but it''s actually a joint effort.


Just some examples from my household that are working very well.


FYI: Purrfect, want to hear FI''s response to the toilet seat dilemma... ''I don''t ask you to put it up when you''re done.''

i think i am more comfortable with the sharing duties as opposed to splitting them up too mereasal. we also go grocery shopping together and if we plan on a special meal we cook and clean together for it too. i think for me it''s more about being in each others company than it is about lightening the others load though....

it does make me a little nervous about using the phrase "helping me out" (or variations thereof), especially when we are married. i''m not a superfeminist or anything, but i think that there really are some implications in the phrase that can lead to some pretty faulty foundations. i dont'' want him to think that he''s doing me a favor by doing housework or other things because that implies that it''s MY job to begin with, and not his, you know? but then again, i know how well reinforcement works in terms of getting desired behavior, and that is usually done in the vein of "wow, you''re AMAZING! you cleaned your plate!" ....the two don''t coincide well. hence the pickle!

 

[mimzy]

Date: 8/27/2008 12:20:32 PM
Author: jewelerman

Date: 8/27/2008 2:21:15 AM

You need a sit down talk...no beating around the bush and hope he can read my mind situations.You have already set a pattern of allowing him to be dependant apon you and take you for granted(packing his bag when he travels..wow...even my mother expected more from me)and now you want to change the rules...you should have expected that he be part of the work in the relationship from the first.If one person wants to do everything then why should the other lift a finger?So now its time for damage contol...each person gets equal time to clean and cook and do what ever needs to be done and you can show him how much you care by taking his turn now and again.But he cant read your mind...tell him what you need and listen to what he needs.If mothers and fathers would expect their sons to help more in the kitchen and laundry room then men would be more prepared to be equals in the home when they get married.

i have no problem talking to him about it, i never expect him to read my mind (see above post to IG) and i have no intention of beating around the bush or anything like that....and i said in my post that he doesn''t take me for granted. the situation isn''t quite as dire as you might think it is (i''ll usually pack his bag because i have time during the day while he''s at work....it''s not that he "expects" me to do it). i do fully agree that i wish his mother and father expected more of him at home though. but he''s a typical kid and usually would avoid doing chores at just about any expense, and his parents let him get away with it. thanks for responding

 

[mimzy]

thanks to everyone else who responded also!

i guess the real issue isn''t how to get him to do more around the house, but i''m having trouble finding ways to dote on him in ways that doesn''t make him helpless. i think a better title for the thread would be "how do you show your DH you love them?"! i think i stick to the picking up plates and packing bags thing because it''s the easiest, but it''s also the easiest to turn into something expected. so i need new ideas!

 

[meresal]

I enjoy doing them together, becasue it's a joint effort... and I like to get mine done as soon as possible, but FI likes to wait till the last minute. I can see myself stewing about the chores he hadn't done, while all mine were spotless.

The only reason I said ask him for help... is because it is still your apartment, until he moves in. After that, by all means use whatever forces necessary!!

 

[Independent Gal]

I totally get the packing his bag thing. I don''t know why but I LOOOVE packing DH''s bag.

And he loves making me tea every evening or bringing me glasses of water in the middle of the night. Some little things you just do because you love to do them.

For us, the formal divying up helped because certain things DH just didn''t think needed doing (like vacuuming. ever.) It''s something we did once. It took 15 minutes. Then it was done, we knew who was responsible for what. No muss, no fuss. Then we went for sushi.

So that worked for us. But every couple is different.

 

[fieryred33143]

I think it’s ok to spoil your partner. I pack his bag as well although that’s mainly because his idea of packing is having shirts and pants to wear. Forget boxers, undershirts and socks

. When I''m going away on a trip, I''ll iron a bunch of work shirts for him because he claims he doesn''t know how to iron. He loves it. He''ll send me an email saying "My shirts are so crisp, so fresh, and so clean" LOL

We split the chores but its not an even split. He does all of the cooking because he''s an amazing cook. He throws out the trash cause I find it gross and he cleans the patio. I do everything else. I had a convo with him when we first moved in about appreciation. I told him I don''t need flowers/chocolates/cards for appreciation, I need respect. If I spend the day cleaning the house, don''t turn into a mini-hurrican when you get home. Likewise, if he spends the evening cooking me a delicious dinner then I should sit down at the table and eat it with him.

He also comes straight from his momma''s house where he did nothing all his life so it was a learning curve as deco explained. Is he a Mr. Stewart, no but he recognizes when I need help and 95% of the time he''ll help out

 

[musey]

Date: 8/27/2008 3:28:43 PM
Author: Independent Gal
I totally get the packing his bag thing. I don't know why but I LOOOVE packing DH's bag.

And he loves making me tea every evening or bringing me glasses of water in the middle of the night. Some little things you just do because you love to do them.

Very true

Mimzy, you must be a saint. I would NOT be able to keep my mouth shut or tolerate socks/dirty clothes on the floor, etc. without saying "Hey, FI, I'd REALLY like it if you didn't do that: and here's why." I do his laundry often because I tend to have more free time (off work) than he does, but I take it out of the laundry bin where the dirty clothes belong

Then again, one of FI's main attractive points, to me, is the way he thoughtfully offers to do the dishes all on his own (especially if I cooked), picks up quarters during his lunch break for the laundry (I hate going out to do this), cooks breakfast in the morning so that I can have my workout (he works out while I'm cooking dinner), etc.... you know? The naturally give-and-take sort of guy. It must be important to me if I sought out that kind of guy, so it makes sense that the opposite type would push my buttons

 

[pennquaker09]

When I met mine, I found out his mom had someone come in and clean his apartment for him. Yes, his mother all the way in Atlanta, hired a cleaning service in New Orleans to clean the apartment of her ADULT son.

Let''s just say not a whole lot has changed since then . . .

He''ll put ANYTHING in the dishwasher. Unless he is doing a cycle of bottles, he''s not allowed to load it.
I could go on . . .

 

[mimzy]

Date: 8/27/2008 3:11:15 PM
Author: meresal
I enjoy doing them together, becasue it''s a joint effort... and I like to get mine done as soon as possible, but FI likes to wait till the last minute. I can see myself stewing about the chores he hadn''t done, while all mine were spotless.

The only reason I said ask him for help... is because it is still your apartment, until he moves in. After that, by all means use whatever forces necessary!!

haha i''m sure it was interesting when you guys first moved in together! and i totally meant to clarify about the asking for help thing....i know it *is* my job until he moves in haha, i was more just thinking aloud about what it''s going to be like when we do get married. sorry, i''m not being very coherent!

 

[mimzy]

Date: 8/27/2008 3:28:43 PM
Author: Independent Gal
I totally get the packing his bag thing. I don''t know why but I LOOOVE packing DH''s bag.

And he loves making me tea every evening or bringing me glasses of water in the middle of the night. Some little things you just do because you love to do them.


For us, the formal divying up helped because certain things DH just didn''t think needed doing (like vacuuming. ever.) It''s something we did once. It took 15 minutes. Then it was done, we knew who was responsible for what. No muss, no fuss. Then we went for sushi.


So that worked for us. But every couple is different.

okay good! i was starting to think that made me look bad haha. and YES, it''s just the little things because you love them. i''m not sure if he *loves* it, but stefan will stay up later than he wants to to read to me if i''m not tired yet.

and yea, i''m thinking that it''ll probably be a good idea for at least a few of the things that will need to be done (probably bathroom cleaning and kitchen). and he will likely be bribed with chinese food to sit down and do it now!