luckystar112
Ideal_Rock
- Joined
- Jan 8, 2007
- Messages
- 3,962
Boy this is long. Feel free to skip to the last few paragraphs, where I actually get to the POINT.
I don''t know how many of you remember this, but a while back I asked for advice on how to cut my extremely toxic mother out of my life. It''s been almost 7 months since the last time we''ve talked. It''s in the old thread, but May 30th was when she started giving me the silent treatment (like always, I had no idea she was mad at me). Then a month later I called her out on something evil she said and, clearly embarassed, she kicked *me* out of *her* life--blocked me from FB, etc. I have not tried to contact her (even on her birthday) and I have not inquired about her life, what she''s been up to, etc. I don''t feel like I miss her. My feelings for her stop at pity and anger, and SOMETIMES a pang of sadness that I can''t have a relationship with "a" mother. Of course, people have felt the need to update me on her life. I found out that she got a new apartment, a second job, she was dating someone for a while, they broke up, etc.
The narcissism is still in full effect. I have heard that she has been calling relatives and bawling her eyes out because I am "ignoring" her and "refuse to talk" to her. Weird, I haven''t received a single phone call or email and I''m still blocked from her FB. So, as much as I''d love to ignore her attempts at reconciliation (and I most likely would unless it was heartfelt and she showed evidence of psychological help), I have not had the opportunity. As a result, I get the feeling that (while she probably is a little sad) the narcissist in her is loving the drama--and loving the fact that I''m 2000 miles away and she can say whatever she wants about me. I know I look like the "bad" guy here. A few family members that I keep in touch with have seemed disappointed in my decision not to talk to her. Lots of justifications for her behavior ("She''s going through a divorce"...."she''s having a hard time right now"...."she has no one to talk to"...."you''re her only child"..."she''s your MOTHER"...). Oh, and my personal favorite was when my grandmother told me that she had to get my mother several gifts "or else she''ll have nothing under her tree".
I gotta say, it''s pretttttyyyy fricken telling when the family is looking at ME (the *child* in this relationship) to make things right. I''m sure they just want to see us kiss and make up, but it comes off like my concerns with her behavior (over my lifetime) are less important than the fact that she is going through a "rough time". And honestly, my mother''s "rought time" has lasted for almost 50 years at this point.
If it wasn''t the divorce it''d be something else. Believe me when I say that she THRIVES on drama and seeks it out. I am not the first (or even the 10th) person that she has cut out of her life, but I''m only the 2nd to say "Fine with me!" and break off contact. She recently made up with the other person--after 5 years of no contact.
So, my current dilemma. DH and I are headed to Maine for Christmas. Flight and hotel have been booked, car has been rented. I plan on going to my great-aunt''s house on Christmas Eve (my mother''s aunt), which is where Christmas has been held for the last decade. My mother hates this aunt (actually this whole side of the family). She has not been to her house in YEARS. Instead, she had been going to my (ex)step-father''s family functions. His family lives less than 10 minutes away, and yet my mother hasn''t so much as stopped by for a quick "Merry Christmas" to all of our relatives that come from out of state. I DID get her to stop by my great-aunt''s house last year (before the divorce). She lasted a whole hour. She ended up getting REALLY jealous when her sister (my aunt) got a gift and she didn''t. The gift-giver even commented to my mother that she felt really bad about not making her one but she wasn''t expecting to see her there (and why would she--my mother hadn''t showed up in years). Anyway, she ended up talking/crying/whining about it alllllllll week.
I have just found out, through my grandmother, that my mother is going to be attending our family function this year. I am obviously surprised, though I know I shouldn''t be because where ELSE would she go? Better to be miserable with company than miserable by herself, right? I can actually feel my blood pressure rising. I know it would be really crappy for her to spend the holiday alone, but part of me thought she''d rather pick up a shift at work than spend Christmas with us. I need suggestions on how to handle this situation. My mother loves a scene. Judging from her typical behaviors I can see this going a few ways. She could be "happy mom", with a big smile on her face, pretending like nothing has ever happened, talking with a high pitched, smiley voice. This would be for show, and the charade wouldn''t last long. She could be "evil-eye mom", where she pretends that I don''t exist but gives me dirty looks the whole night, before she ultimately ends up getting teary-eyed and leaving. Or she could be "confrontational mom", where she thinks that the best place to air our grievances is at the dinner table in front of all of our extended family.
I KNOW that I can walk in there and be mature about things, be cordial without so far as pretending everything is honkey dorey. She will make this impossible for me. I am stressing out at the thought of her making a scene. An angry scene. Or a tear-filled, "please pity me!" scene. I don''t even want to see her--I am considering just not even going! But then what would we do? Spend xmas eve at the Marriott?! I don''t feel like I should miss out on Christmas just because she is there. She clearly feels the same way or else she would not be going.
So, does anyone have any advice on how to handle this situation? I''m wishing we would have gone to Virginia this year!
I don''t know how many of you remember this, but a while back I asked for advice on how to cut my extremely toxic mother out of my life. It''s been almost 7 months since the last time we''ve talked. It''s in the old thread, but May 30th was when she started giving me the silent treatment (like always, I had no idea she was mad at me). Then a month later I called her out on something evil she said and, clearly embarassed, she kicked *me* out of *her* life--blocked me from FB, etc. I have not tried to contact her (even on her birthday) and I have not inquired about her life, what she''s been up to, etc. I don''t feel like I miss her. My feelings for her stop at pity and anger, and SOMETIMES a pang of sadness that I can''t have a relationship with "a" mother. Of course, people have felt the need to update me on her life. I found out that she got a new apartment, a second job, she was dating someone for a while, they broke up, etc.
The narcissism is still in full effect. I have heard that she has been calling relatives and bawling her eyes out because I am "ignoring" her and "refuse to talk" to her. Weird, I haven''t received a single phone call or email and I''m still blocked from her FB. So, as much as I''d love to ignore her attempts at reconciliation (and I most likely would unless it was heartfelt and she showed evidence of psychological help), I have not had the opportunity. As a result, I get the feeling that (while she probably is a little sad) the narcissist in her is loving the drama--and loving the fact that I''m 2000 miles away and she can say whatever she wants about me. I know I look like the "bad" guy here. A few family members that I keep in touch with have seemed disappointed in my decision not to talk to her. Lots of justifications for her behavior ("She''s going through a divorce"...."she''s having a hard time right now"...."she has no one to talk to"...."you''re her only child"..."she''s your MOTHER"...). Oh, and my personal favorite was when my grandmother told me that she had to get my mother several gifts "or else she''ll have nothing under her tree".
I gotta say, it''s pretttttyyyy fricken telling when the family is looking at ME (the *child* in this relationship) to make things right. I''m sure they just want to see us kiss and make up, but it comes off like my concerns with her behavior (over my lifetime) are less important than the fact that she is going through a "rough time". And honestly, my mother''s "rought time" has lasted for almost 50 years at this point.
So, my current dilemma. DH and I are headed to Maine for Christmas. Flight and hotel have been booked, car has been rented. I plan on going to my great-aunt''s house on Christmas Eve (my mother''s aunt), which is where Christmas has been held for the last decade. My mother hates this aunt (actually this whole side of the family). She has not been to her house in YEARS. Instead, she had been going to my (ex)step-father''s family functions. His family lives less than 10 minutes away, and yet my mother hasn''t so much as stopped by for a quick "Merry Christmas" to all of our relatives that come from out of state. I DID get her to stop by my great-aunt''s house last year (before the divorce). She lasted a whole hour. She ended up getting REALLY jealous when her sister (my aunt) got a gift and she didn''t. The gift-giver even commented to my mother that she felt really bad about not making her one but she wasn''t expecting to see her there (and why would she--my mother hadn''t showed up in years). Anyway, she ended up talking/crying/whining about it alllllllll week.
I have just found out, through my grandmother, that my mother is going to be attending our family function this year. I am obviously surprised, though I know I shouldn''t be because where ELSE would she go? Better to be miserable with company than miserable by herself, right? I can actually feel my blood pressure rising. I know it would be really crappy for her to spend the holiday alone, but part of me thought she''d rather pick up a shift at work than spend Christmas with us. I need suggestions on how to handle this situation. My mother loves a scene. Judging from her typical behaviors I can see this going a few ways. She could be "happy mom", with a big smile on her face, pretending like nothing has ever happened, talking with a high pitched, smiley voice. This would be for show, and the charade wouldn''t last long. She could be "evil-eye mom", where she pretends that I don''t exist but gives me dirty looks the whole night, before she ultimately ends up getting teary-eyed and leaving. Or she could be "confrontational mom", where she thinks that the best place to air our grievances is at the dinner table in front of all of our extended family.
I KNOW that I can walk in there and be mature about things, be cordial without so far as pretending everything is honkey dorey. She will make this impossible for me. I am stressing out at the thought of her making a scene. An angry scene. Or a tear-filled, "please pity me!" scene. I don''t even want to see her--I am considering just not even going! But then what would we do? Spend xmas eve at the Marriott?! I don''t feel like I should miss out on Christmas just because she is there. She clearly feels the same way or else she would not be going.
So, does anyone have any advice on how to handle this situation? I''m wishing we would have gone to Virginia this year!