Christmas Dilemma. Help? A real long one.

[luckystar112]

Boy this is long. Feel free to skip to the last few paragraphs, where I actually get to the POINT.

I don''t know how many of you remember this, but a while back I asked for advice on how to cut my extremely toxic mother out of my life. It''s been almost 7 months since the last time we''ve talked. It''s in the old thread, but May 30th was when she started giving me the silent treatment (like always, I had no idea she was mad at me). Then a month later I called her out on something evil she said and, clearly embarassed, she kicked *me* out of *her* life--blocked me from FB, etc. I have not tried to contact her (even on her birthday) and I have not inquired about her life, what she''s been up to, etc. I don''t feel like I miss her. My feelings for her stop at pity and anger, and SOMETIMES a pang of sadness that I can''t have a relationship with "a" mother. Of course, people have felt the need to update me on her life. I found out that she got a new apartment, a second job, she was dating someone for a while, they broke up, etc.

The narcissism is still in full effect. I have heard that she has been calling relatives and bawling her eyes out because I am "ignoring" her and "refuse to talk" to her. Weird, I haven''t received a single phone call or email and I''m still blocked from her FB. So, as much as I''d love to ignore her attempts at reconciliation (and I most likely would unless it was heartfelt and she showed evidence of psychological help), I have not had the opportunity. As a result, I get the feeling that (while she probably is a little sad) the narcissist in her is loving the drama--and loving the fact that I''m 2000 miles away and she can say whatever she wants about me. I know I look like the "bad" guy here. A few family members that I keep in touch with have seemed disappointed in my decision not to talk to her. Lots of justifications for her behavior ("She''s going through a divorce"...."she''s having a hard time right now"...."she has no one to talk to"...."you''re her only child"..."she''s your MOTHER"...). Oh, and my personal favorite was when my grandmother told me that she had to get my mother several gifts "or else she''ll have nothing under her tree".

I gotta say, it''s pretttttyyyy fricken telling when the family is looking at ME (the *child* in this relationship) to make things right. I''m sure they just want to see us kiss and make up, but it comes off like my concerns with her behavior (over my lifetime) are less important than the fact that she is going through a "rough time". And honestly, my mother''s "rought time" has lasted for almost 50 years at this point.

If it wasn''t the divorce it''d be something else. Believe me when I say that she THRIVES on drama and seeks it out. I am not the first (or even the 10th) person that she has cut out of her life, but I''m only the 2nd to say "Fine with me!" and break off contact. She recently made up with the other person--after 5 years of no contact.

So, my current dilemma. DH and I are headed to Maine for Christmas. Flight and hotel have been booked, car has been rented. I plan on going to my great-aunt''s house on Christmas Eve (my mother''s aunt), which is where Christmas has been held for the last decade. My mother hates this aunt (actually this whole side of the family). She has not been to her house in YEARS. Instead, she had been going to my (ex)step-father''s family functions. His family lives less than 10 minutes away, and yet my mother hasn''t so much as stopped by for a quick "Merry Christmas" to all of our relatives that come from out of state. I DID get her to stop by my great-aunt''s house last year (before the divorce). She lasted a whole hour. She ended up getting REALLY jealous when her sister (my aunt) got a gift and she didn''t. The gift-giver even commented to my mother that she felt really bad about not making her one but she wasn''t expecting to see her there (and why would she--my mother hadn''t showed up in years). Anyway, she ended up talking/crying/whining about it alllllllll week.

I have just found out, through my grandmother, that my mother is going to be attending our family function this year. I am obviously surprised, though I know I shouldn''t be because where ELSE would she go? Better to be miserable with company than miserable by herself, right? I can actually feel my blood pressure rising. I know it would be really crappy for her to spend the holiday alone, but part of me thought she''d rather pick up a shift at work than spend Christmas with us. I need suggestions on how to handle this situation. My mother loves a scene. Judging from her typical behaviors I can see this going a few ways. She could be "happy mom", with a big smile on her face, pretending like nothing has ever happened, talking with a high pitched, smiley voice. This would be for show, and the charade wouldn''t last long. She could be "evil-eye mom", where she pretends that I don''t exist but gives me dirty looks the whole night, before she ultimately ends up getting teary-eyed and leaving. Or she could be "confrontational mom", where she thinks that the best place to air our grievances is at the dinner table in front of all of our extended family.

I KNOW that I can walk in there and be mature about things, be cordial without so far as pretending everything is honkey dorey. She will make this impossible for me. I am stressing out at the thought of her making a scene. An angry scene. Or a tear-filled, "please pity me!" scene. I don''t even want to see her--I am considering just not even going! But then what would we do? Spend xmas eve at the Marriott?! I don''t feel like I should miss out on Christmas just because she is there. She clearly feels the same way or else she would not be going.

So, does anyone have any advice on how to handle this situation? I''m wishing we would have gone to Virginia this year!

 

[oobiecoo]

Wow... this sounds an awful lot like DH''s mother.

As for going to Virginia this year... unless she gets remarried then I assume the chances of her attending your family function next year and the next and next will be high so might as well suck it up this year.

Generally at family functions that DH''s mom is invited to, we just ignore her. We may say hi if she initiates but thats all she gets. I think you should go and just have a good time. Speak to her (hi, how are you?) if you''re feeling particularly in the Christmas spirit. Otherwise, just mingle with the rest of your wonderful family. If she does get confrontational, tell her calmly that this isn''t the time or place and if she pushes it then just leave!

Does your family realize that your mom has a problem or do you think they blame you for alot of it? DH''s family is VERY understanding... they all think the mom is crazy so would be supportive if a confrontation ever arose.

 

[Maria D]

Clearly you''ve faced the fact that your mother is loony, that''s most of the battle. Your relatives probably understand that she is a loon as well -- and that you are not. They want you two to kiss and make-up so that everyone around the both of you can relax and enjoy the holiday. Loony mom is not going to make that happen because she thrives on drama and feeling sorry for herself - so (as far as your relatives are concerned) that leaves you. I''d bet it''s not about them feeling that you are the bad guy or that your concerns are less important; it''s more about the fact that there are basically two ways all can have a good Christmas. Either the entire family shuns your mother by telling her she can''t come, or you make nice. It''s not fair to you. It''s not fair that your only mother is nutty, but that''s the hand you''ve been dealt.

If I were you (and I have been -- just change loony mom to loony dad) I would visit with mom before the get together at your great-aunt''s. There''s no point in trying to discuss/rectify whatever caused you to not speak for months. Let her know you''ve heard what''s been going on in her life and you are happy (for the good things) and happy to see her. If that''s a lie, so be it. Someday you''ll feel better for behaving like the sane person that you are. If she still chooses to be dramatic and ridiculous on Christmas, it''s on her.

At some point you''ll have to decide if you wish to spend holidays with your extended family if it means putting up with your mother''s antics. As you know, she''s not going to change. It is unlikely that your relatives'' expectation that *you* should be the one to mollify mom will ever change either. The only things you have control over are your own actions. Best of luck!

 

[luckystar112]

Date: 12/12/2009 1:06:40 PM
Author: oobiecoo

Does your family realize that your mom has a problem or do you think they blame you for alot of it? DH''s family is VERY understanding... they all think the mom is crazy so would be supportive if a confrontation ever arose.

Hi Oobicoo. My mother is definitely the black sheep of the family and everyone has witnessed an outburst at one point or another. She doesn''t communicate with any extended-family members outside of major holidays (and like I said, for the last few years not even then!), so her drama isn''t a huge part of their life. The family members that she talks to (comparatively) often are my grandmother (her mom), my aunt (her sister), and my cousin, and at one time me. All five of us have suffered from her outbursts, her viscious tongue, her crying fits, her anger fits, etc. more times that we can count. My grandmother just deals with the abuse. She lives in Florida. She seems to be of the variety that family is family, no matter what. My cousin is the same way. My aunt lives within walking distance of my mother and tries to avoid her like the plague.

They all understand that my mother has issues. They understand that SHE is the reason I moved to Texas and do not blame me for it. BUT I wouldn''t go as far as to say they are "supportive". If they were, they wouldn''t be asking me over and over again if I plan on making up with my mother. They don''t seem to understand the severity of the situation--that I do not care to have her in my life PERIOD. That it will not just "blow over". That I am just so indifferent toward her that making up with her isn''t even on my radar. This isn''t about our latest spat--it''s about everything. It is a conscious life CHOICE not to speak to her anymore. Honestly, I don''t know why they don''t get it. But their comments infuriate me because it sounds like they think I''m "dragging it out"...like I''m bluffing about never talking to her again just to hurt her. I''m not.

So that part is really frustrating. I just blow those comments off instead of justifying my position again and again and again. I think that if she starts anything at Christmas people know that it is HER and not me. But I am preparing myself to be really embarassed in front of DH. He witnessed one of my mother''s crazy outbursts last year (throwing stuff, locking us out of the house), and I don''t think he''ll ever go back to Maine if she throws a fit again.

 

[cara]

Lucky, I feel for you. I think it is really hard to walk into that room, knowing your mother will make a spectacle of herself but your relatives will look to you for causes rather than her. I REALLY REALLY think that you should either talk to a therapist or read some books on difficult parents to get some techniques for how to deal with them and difficult situations just like this one. Not therapy because you need therapy - but a session with a therapist to get suggestions and support for how to deal with exactly this situation. There are ways to aggravate the situation and ways more likely to keep things sane (not that you have any control over your mother.)

So the kind of book that I am thinking of is something like "Coping With Your Difficult Older Parent : A Guide for Stressed-Out Children", but that one is for a slightly different situation than yours. (It is for adult children of difficult parents that had always been difficult parents but, now that they are older and having age-related difficulties, the adult kids have to re-engage with on some level to help provide care in their old age. And of course this is extra difficult because their difficult parent did not usually become easy and amenable in old age - they are still narcissitic or borderline or what have you, and then when you add on dementia or health issues or limited mobility it gets even more difficult. Plus the kids have baggage from their years of dealing with the difficult parent before the old-age issues arose.)


I chose not to go home for the holidays for a similar reason. My father is not so bad as your mother but has really hurt me over the years, and I am not ready for more hurt yet. And my family just thinks I should get over it, whatever it is, cause father isn't going to change. Its like trying to jump back into the dating pool after a really bad breakup - only you are only allowed to go back with the same guy who 'promises' he'll be better next time. And then insists he did nothing wrong the first time, and he'd do everything exactly the same way again. Sigh. Only get one father. I've tried to grow detached since that's clearly the only I can control; it hasn't worked yet.

 

[phoenixgirl]

I'm so sorry you're in this situation. Your description of what kind of "mom" she'll be when you see her describes my MIL exactly down to the creepy high-pitched cheerful voice (I call it her "little girl" voice).

You're staying at a hotel, and you suspect your mother's visit to your great-aunt's will be short. If (when) she acts up, I'd simply say, "Aunt Sally [or whatever], I'm sorry to leave so soon, but DH and I don't intend to be treated like this. We'll call you to schedule another visit later." Then scoot out the door and try again later that night, the next day, etc. In the meantime, relax together in the hotel and make the most of the time off. You can even invite relatives to meet you at a restaurant later so you know your mom won't be there.

Your mom won't stay at your aunt's house forever, especially if she's not allowed to use you as a punching bag, so I'd just keep repeating the process: try to see the other relatives but leave when your mom behaves badly. Any conversation you try to have about setting boundaries, explaining yourself, etc. will never get through to your mom, as you know.

This will pull the rug from under your mom, so to speak. Once you, the object of her wrath, are gone, she won't know how to keep everyone's attention on her. I suspect she'll eventually give up and go home.

I suspect your grandma, cousin, and aunt keep trying to get you to acquiese because they think (incorrectly) that it would make their lives easier . . . they still haven't realized that your mother, not the situation, is the problem, so they think if they fix the situation, they won't have to listen to her complain any more. And since you are the stable one, their best bet is that you will change, not your mom. They're not ready to cut your mom off yet; therefore, they have to listen to her complain about you. They have to listen to her complain about you; therefore, they want to "fix" the situation with you. Your grandmother may feel that the way your mother turned out is her fault, so she may be the least likely to ever cut your mom off.

I know you said that you don't want to spend Christmas Eve at the Marriot, but unless you're willing to leave, the "power" remains in your mom's hands. And if you do actually leave while she's in a tirade, you put the onus on your other relatives to do something about her behavior because now they feel responsible for you and your DH being lonely at the hotel on Christmas Eve.

I hope things go better than expected! When you expect the worst, sometimes you can be pleasantly surprised. But the important thing is that you will have a car (right?) and a hotel, so you have the power to leave at any time. Use it!

 

[elrohwen]

Pheonixgirl, I really liked your post and I think your suggestions were fantastic.

Lucky, I can''t give much more advice, but I completely sympathize. My grandmother sounds exactly, 100%, like your mother. Luckily I''ve had very little contact with her my whole life, but I have been there with my mom when she cut off contact and went back again a few times. The amount of abuse my mom took was very sad and things have always been best when she has cut her mother off. It''s really really hard and being forced to spend a holiday with her must make it take much harder. Good luck and I hope you''re able to have a good time despite your looney mother.

 

[VRBeauty]

LS, if the thought of seeing your mother is stressing you out, then don''t see her. Could you and your hubby visit with family on Christmas Day instead of Christmas Eve, and find a nice, just-the-two-of-you way to spend Christmas Eve? Perhaps you could treat yourselves to a nice dinner out and a movie, or midnight mass? Order dinner in and watch a favorite movie, or wrap gifts? Sometimes knowing when you need to take care of yourself is the adult thing to do.

 

[luckystar112]

Thank you everyone. I guess the best thing to do is go there with my head held high not let her see me sweat. I am sure I am going to be really nervous, but I don''t want to exhibit any weakness in front of her--she''ll just exploit it.

I wish there was another family function to go to, but Christmas Eve is where we all get together. Christmas Day the individual families spread out and do their own thing. And since we won''t be with MY family on Christmas day (which used to consist of my mother and step-father), if I want to do anything at all I am going to have to go. I know a couple of places we can escape to if things get out of hand...one is a bar, so I''ll just drown out my sorrows. lol!

This last semester at school I was crazy busy (which may be obvious by lack of posting, if anyone has noticed). So I haven''t really had the time to read more into this relationship and how to cope. So thank you for the book recommendation Cara--I''ve got a month and a half of free time to read it. Sometimes I think she''d be a great character in a work of fiction.

 

[Kaleigh]

Lucky, I would go with head raised high, and don''t let her get to you. I know easier said than done, this Christmas I will not be seeing my Mom, it''s just too much. I am glad you have other relatives that will be there, and will perhaps be a buffer for you. I know exactly how you feel. It sucks, but is what it is... I had to shut mine out But at the end of the day, I have to do what is right for me and my family. I wish I had better advice, I am still in the throws of dealing with bad behavior, and what not.

So am sending you a hug!!! Hoping you get through this, and hoping you have some fun!!!!

 

[Italiahaircolor]

Lucky, I feel like if you don''t go it will send a message that you''re afraid, or weak, or guilty of something. Going shows maturity and strength.

Sure it may be awkward..and I can understand why you may be afraid of what you may be facing...but you know what you''ve done is what is best. You can look in her in her face and know from the bottom of your of your heart that you are so right and she is so messed up.

But really, you have the upper hand...you know what to expect, what has been said and you know your own personal feelings...she, on the other hand, has NO IDEA what she might be walking into. You are there with your supportive, loving husband...she will be facing you alone. If she confronts you, you can turn and walk away from her.

I say go...be strong.

 

[sunseeker101]

Date: 12/12/2009 7:14:56 PM
Author: luckystar112
I am sure I am going to be really nervous, but I don't want to exhibit any weakness in front of her--she'll just exploit it.

Condolences Lucky -- this is an awful way to feel about anyone, let alone your mother. I can't think of any other way to approach it than to meet with her sometime before the big evening on your own. It doesn't sound like any line of reasoning would help her win the battle she seems to be fighting mostly against herself. With that in mind I think laying out your position clearly and gently will let her know that you're beyond provocation. At least then you can let it go and know that whatever happens after that is her own choice -- I would tell her that too. Oftentimes unresolved anger can keep us away from the object that appears to be causing it, but the resolution can be in the way we face up to the problem; righting our own approach can lessen the weight of it all. If you can disassociate you might be able to feel great pity for your mother. As the saying goes, a pity beyond all telling is hid in the heart of love. Best of luck

 

[CNOS128]

Lucky, does your mother have a diagnosis? I'm not an expert and I'm not qualified to make a diagnosis (obviously, even if I were I've never met your mother), but from what you describe it sounds like she has a personality disorder of some sort - maybe Borderline Personality Disorder?
My mom is a psychologist, and she gave me this book to deal with DH's SIL whom we're fairly certain is BPD --> Stop Walking On Eggshells. At any rate, the book has great suggestions for dealing with the kinds of irrational, narcissistic behaviors that you describe.
My mom had another suggestion, which covers various kind of "difficult" personality types and gives insight into them with some suggestions on how to deal --> Emotional Vampires.

Last week I was really, really angry and upset over the way DH's SIL was treating me, in a similar way to what you describe - I could feel my (usually abnormally low) blood pressure rising as I interacted wither her. She feeds on drama, needs everything to be about her, and turns everything into an excuse to draw attention to herself (either by crying and talking about how she's been mistreated, or by being overly friendly and ridiculous). I checked out portions of these books and after awhile actually started to feel sorry for DH's SIL, like I couldn't be angry because she's just so screwed up. And the authors offer suggestions for how to respond to certain comments/conversations and behaviors of PD people.
IF you decide to spend Christmas with your mom/family, I do recommend tools like these that can help you keep your own head on straight and not come away feeling like a wreck.

Best of luck to you! I'm so sorry that you even have to deal with this...

 

[luckystar112]

Thanks everyone for your advice. My DH also thinks I should talk to her before Christmas to smooth out any awkwardness. I haven't made up my mind yet. I need to think of what to say--the last thing I want her to think is that I'm apologizing for whatever wrongs she thinks I've done, or that I'm extending an olive branch. My feelings still stand. Our relationship just cannot ever be back to what it was. What makes things 10x more difficult is that a lot of the dealbreakers for me were told to me in secrecy by people that want to stay out of it. For example, the way she treated me grandmother when she was sick. I can't tell my mother that that's one of the reasons why I'm done with her because my grandmother wants to stay out of it. Another example, my mother told me cousin (who I am very close to) some of my deepest darkest secrets. I felt so betrayed when I found out that she shared these secrets, but I can't tell her that because my cousin begged me not to tell her that I know she told.

Anyway, to respond to a few of you----
Phoenixgirl, I'm leaning in the direction of your advice. My reaction to her is the only thing I have control over. I just won't put up with any of her bull. And YES!!!!! DH and I call it her "little girl" voice as well! It's so bizarre, isn't it? It's not just the voice, it's behaviorisms too. She acts like a hyper little girl.

Kayleigh, Italia, and Sunseeker, thank you for your input. ETA: Off-topic, but ITALIA, I read "The Help". Finished it a couple of days ago. You thread has been locked and I am sooooo bummed because I wanna talk about it!

TheBigT, no, my mother has not been diagnosed with anything. Like most narcissists she is able to fool strangers and acquaintances just fine. Her co-workers don't even know the "real" her. She saves the best of her personality for those that she thinks can't leave--Me, her husband, her sister and mother, etc. She lost me and her husband though. The others keep her at an arms length. I am convinced that she has a borderline personality disorder, but that is hard to diagnose. I'd really like her to get help but she doesn't think there is anything wrong with her. I will definitely check out that book. I've got 9 days!!!

 

[luckystar112]

Hey everyone!

Just thought I''d update for those that are interested.
Christmas Eve was weird. She was there, we were there, but we did not talk at all and she completely ignored me the whole night. No "hello" or "Merry Christmas" or anything. I''m sure the family knew something was up because they didn''t mention anything about it at all. It was awkward, but bearable. Then a couple of days later she sent me a text message and said that she hoped that we were having a good trip. That lead to us visiting her at her little apartment where we engaged in a surface conversation--nothing about our differences. So, I don''t know what''s going on now. When we hugged goodbye, she got pretty teary...made me feel pretty bad. I guess we''ll see what happens! I can''t "forget", but I can work on myself to make things more bearable.

Thank you all for your advice.

 

[Maria D]

thanks for updating...I was wondering how it went! Glad to hear you had a nice holiday. Superficial chat without drama may be the most this relationship will ever be. That's hard to come to terms with when it's the mother/daughter relationship we're talking about here but what can you do? You can't force her to get help.

At some point, and again I speak from my own experience, I think you have to hold other relatives accountable for their contribution to all the dysfunction. Does grandma really need to unload on you about how her daughter treats her? You're the "child" here. Grandma and mom *can* have all the psycho-drama they want without involving you. Does close cousin *have* to tell you what mom said? Can't she just accept that mom is **insert psychological diagnosis here** and let it go in one ear and out the other without trying to get you even more alienated from your own mother? It is not right for people to at the same time stir things up and then beg to be left out of it. They are feeding off the drama! When I went through this sort of thing with my own family I had to learn to say "I don't want to hear it -- change the subject" over and over again every time my father was brought up. I found that some relatives had nothing else to talk about to me!

It sounds like your mom reached out the best she knows how and you did the best you could as well...that's something to feel good about!

 

[MonkeyPie]

I''m glad you made it through the day, lucky, and that she behaved herself. Maybe she is realizing her mistakes, and that is a great thing!

 

[tlh]

Date: 12/28/2009 2:15:57 PM
Author: MonkeyPie
I''m glad you made it through the day, lucky, and that she behaved herself. Maybe she is realizing her mistakes, and that is a great thing!

I hope that MonkeyPie is right.

I am very glad that you made the effort to try w/ your mother. Even though she is the mom and should be "the grownup" you are both adults, and human. I would try to forgive her - but keep in mind, that no one is perfect. If she continues to behave in a way that is unpleasant and refuses to be the adult, I''d remove her from your life again. If she continues to make an effort, I would also continue to try.. because she is your mother.

Hope your NYE/2010 is much better!

 

[jjc]

Date: 12/28/2009 11:10:41 AM
Author: luckystar112
Hey everyone!


Just thought I''d update for those that are interested.

Christmas Eve was weird. She was there, we were there, but we did not talk at all and she completely ignored me the whole night. No ''hello'' or ''Merry Christmas'' or anything. I''m sure the family knew something was up because they didn''t mention anything about it at all. It was awkward, but bearable. Then a couple of days later she sent me a text message and said that she hoped that we were having a good trip. That lead to us visiting her at her little apartment where we engaged in a surface conversation--nothing about our differences. So, I don''t know what''s going on now. When we hugged goodbye, she got pretty teary...made me feel pretty bad. I guess we''ll see what happens! I can''t ''forget'', but I can work on myself to make things more bearable.


Thank you all for your advice.

Hi luckystar! Just wanted to say that I''m glad you got through the trip, and ***HUGS***

 

[phoenixgirl]

I''m glad things were better than you expected. Maybe you can maintain this kind of surface but pleasant relationship with her in the long term. It''s got some benefits over cutting off contact completely. Sooner or later she''ll push the envelope again, but you can always limit your contact until she chooses to behave better.

I''m glad you had a (relatively) happy holiday. Cheers!