BTDT Moms: if you could spend 2 years at home, which would you choose

[janinegirly]

This is a hypothetical question, but if you were a working mom and were able to take 2 years off from work to be a SAHM, which would you advise as the best time in the child's development to choose? Newborn years? Toddler? Just starting school (ages 4-6), or a bit older when they will have multiple after school activities?

I know there is no right answer, and everyone is different but I'm curious from the perspective of moms who now have older kids and can look back and reflect. We can't do it all but I'd like to have some balance through the years.

Oh and I should add that this is assuming there is only 1 child.

 

[steph72276]

If I had to choose, I would say age 2-4...but that is if and only if I could find someone that I really trusted for those first 2 years. I know a lot of people have had different experiences, but for me the older my child gets, the easier the job gets (ok, so not potty training

). I just like when they are a little bit older and they can communicate their needs to you and they can express love. Also, they are lots more fun things to do together at this age...going to the park, the library for story time, swimming in the summer, playdates with friends, etc.

 

[upgrade]

I''d choose the first 2 years of life... I have a child in school now and he wants to go to friends'' houses so often after school that I don''t think it would make a difference to him if I were home all day or at work until 5. I think he really benefitted from me being home with him when he was really small, though.

 

[soocool]

Speaking as a mom who has been there and done that, I''d say that I would choose the first 2 years as the time I would pick to be a SAHM.

I was lucky in that a few months after DD was born I quit my job. I found that I could not work the 40+ hours a week that my job required and DH traveled extensively for long periods of time. I wanted to be there for the one on one time and watch her grow at a time where she was developing rapidly each day. Once DD was 2 she was pretty much potty trained and very social and liked it when I disappeared so that she could hang out with other people, like her preschool teachers, other adults,and friends.

But just to add, I did not return to work until DD (she is 17 now) was in elementary school and then just part time.

 

[Pandora II]

The first three years are the most important for a child''s emotional and physical development so I would definitely choose the first 2.

I''m hoping to stay at home full-time till she''s around 18 months and then part-time till she''s about 5.

 

[jewelz617]

I have been a SAHM for 18 months now. I was supposed to return to work after 6 weeks, but my daughter stopped breathing during a nap one day. I went in randomly to check on her, and there she was in her crib, blue and unresponsive. Luckily, paranoid me remembered an ancient CPR course I had taken when I worked as a nanny and I got her breathing again. After that, I would not go back to work. Now that she's almost 2 I am almost ready to get back out there in another year or two. Being home with her during the newborn time and now into toddlerhood has been so beneficial. I am not constantly stressed about how she is, who is taking care of her, if she's being given proper care. And she has grown up being extremely secure and confident having me around every day. She knows that even if I need to leave for awhile, I always come back. I love that about staying home. Sacrifices have been made, but it's so worth it. I really honestly believe infants NEED to be with their mother as much as possible.

 

[Tacori E-ring]

First two years.

 

[Kaleigh]

Hmmm tough choice, I would say the first 2 years. But gosh wasn't home when they were 2-6 and know I missed a lot.

 

[vespergirl]

Definitely from age 0-2. Leading child psychologists, like Steve Biddulph, Dr. Penelope Leach, Dr. Burton White, Dr. Peter Cook, and Sir Richard Bowlby all emphasize the critical important of maternal one-on-one care for babies and toddlers under age 3. Most children are not developmentally ready or secure enough to be away from their mothers before age 3.

This is just a personal anecdote, but I started my son in preschool a couple of months ago at the age of 3 (2.5 hours for two mornings per week). He is secure and happy and loves school, and has never once cried at dropoff or said that he didn''t want to go. In contrast, I have several friends who either have their babies in daycare, or started their toddlers in preschool from age 18-24 months. All of those mothers have told me that their children scream and cling to them at daycare dropoff, and the ones that are old enough to talk cry that they don''t want to go. Other friends who started their kids at ages 3-4 say that the kids enjoy school and aren''t afraid to be away from their mothers.

Here are some quotes from recent studies on the effects of daycare on children under 3:

The Families, Children and Child Care Study (UK) has shown that young children who are looked after by their mothers do significantly better in developmental tests than those cared for in nurseries, by childminders or relatives… Such children tend to show higher levels of aggression or are inclined to become more withdrawn, compliant and sad. Roberts Y. Official: babies do best with mother. Guardian Unlimited The Observer. October 2, 2005 Available at: http://observer.guardian.co.uk/uk_news/story/0,6903,1583072,00.html

The National Institute of Child Health and Development research (USA) “… the more time children spend in any of a variety of nonmaternal care arrangements across the first 4 ½ years of life … predicts problem behaviour … assertiveness, disobedience and aggression.” NICHD – Early Childcare Research Network, Does Amount of Time Spent in Childcare Predict Socioemotional Adjustment During the Transition to Kindergarten?, Child Development. 2003; Vol. 74, No. 4, pp. 976-1005.

The Effective Provision of Preschool Education research (UK) found that “high levels of group care before the age of three (and particularly before the age of two) were associated with higher levels of anti-social behaviour at age three.” Bunting M. Nursery Tales. Guardian Unlimited. July 8, 2004. Available at: http://society.guardian.co.uk/children/story/0,1074,1256423,00.html

And more recently the results of the Quebec Daycare Study as reported in the Montreal Gazette February 02, 2006: “For almost every measure, we find an increased use of child care was associated with a decrease in their well-being relative to other children. For example, reported fighting and other measures of aggressive behaviour increased substantially.” The well-being of parents also declined, with more mothers reporting depression. There was also a greater incidence of hostile parenting and dissatisfaction with spouses. Stastna K. Quebec daycare bad for children. The Gazzette (Montreal), February 2, 2006. Available at: http://www.canada.com/montrealgazette/news/montreal/story.html?id=d16cc6be-0622-4719-8b4d-bba03a6a8a76

 

[gailrmv]

I''m newer to this than you are, and definitely no expert on child development, so I''ll defer to others there. So far I''m glad I''ve been the one taking care of him in his first year, but that''s just me and each situation is different.

I would also think about it from a career perspective. When would it fit in best for your career? Would you be looking to make a change after the 2 years off? Could you achieve a certain level of seniority and then have them hold your job? Could you wait until you are vested in retirement, etc? That is my one regret with the timing of when I left - I missed out on getting fully vested

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 1/5/2010 6:22:27 PM
Author: vespergirl

Definitely from age 0-2. Leading child psychologists, like Steve Biddulph, Dr. Penelope Leach, Dr. Burton White, Dr. Peter Cook, and Sir Richard Bowlby all emphasize the critical important of maternal one-on-one care for babies and toddlers under age 3. Most children are not developmentally ready or secure enough to be away from their mothers before age 3.

This is just a personal anecdote, but I started my son in preschool a couple of months ago at the age of 3 (2.5 hours for two mornings per week). He is secure and happy and loves school, and has never once cried at dropoff or said that he didn''t want to go. In contrast, I have several friends who either have their babies in daycare, or started their toddlers in preschool from age 18-24 months. All of those mothers have told me that their children scream and cling to them at daycare dropoff, and the ones that are old enough to talk cry that they don''t want to go. Other friends who started their kids at ages 3-4 say that the kids enjoy school and aren''t afraid to be away from their mothers.

Here are some quotes from recent studies on the effects of daycare on children under 3:

The Families, Children and Child Care Study (UK) has shown that young children who are looked after by their mothers do significantly better in developmental tests than those cared for in nurseries, by childminders or relatives… Such children tend to show higher levels of aggression or are inclined to become more withdrawn, compliant and sad. Roberts Y. Official: babies do best with mother. Guardian Unlimited The Observer. October 2, 2005 Available at: http://observer.guardian.co.uk/uk_news/story/0,6903,1583072,00.html

The National Institute of Child Health and Development research (USA) “… the more time children spend in any of a variety of nonmaternal care arrangements across the first 4 ½ years of life … predicts problem behaviour … assertiveness, disobedience and aggression.” NICHD – Early Childcare Research Network, Does Amount of Time Spent in Childcare Predict Socioemotional Adjustment During the Transition to Kindergarten?, Child Development. 2003; Vol. 74, No. 4, pp. 976-1005.

The Effective Provision of Preschool Education research (UK) found that “high levels of group care before the age of three (and particularly before the age of two) were associated with higher levels of anti-social behaviour at age three.” Bunting M. Nursery Tales. Guardian Unlimited. July 8, 2004. Available at: http://society.guardian.co.uk/children/story/0,1074,1256423,00.html

And more recently the results of the Quebec Daycare Study as reported in the Montreal Gazette February 02, 2006: “For almost every measure, we find an increased use of child care was associated with a decrease in their well-being relative to other children. For example, reported fighting and other measures of aggressive behaviour increased substantially.” The well-being of parents also declined, with more mothers reporting depression. There was also a greater incidence of hostile parenting and dissatisfaction with spouses. Stastna K. Quebec daycare bad for children. The Gazzette (Montreal), February 2, 2006. Available at: http://www.canada.com/montrealgazette/news/montreal/story.html?id=d16cc6be-0622-4719-8b4d-bba03a6a8a76

I have not read those reports, but do we really need to go there? This needent be a "my choice is better and here is the evidence" conversation. Mothers who made the opposite choice could also whip up contrary evidence from the mass media if they wanted to as well.

 

[softly softly]

Date: 1/6/2010 2:12:23 AM
Author: dreamer_dachsie

Date: 1/5/2010 6:22:27 PM
Author: vespergirl


Definitely from age 0-2. Leading child psychologists, like Steve Biddulph, Dr. Penelope Leach, Dr. Burton White, Dr. Peter Cook, and Sir Richard Bowlby all emphasize the critical important of maternal one-on-one care for babies and toddlers under age 3. Most children are not developmentally ready or secure enough to be away from their mothers before age 3.

This is just a personal anecdote, but I started my son in preschool a couple of months ago at the age of 3 (2.5 hours for two mornings per week). He is secure and happy and loves school, and has never once cried at dropoff or said that he didn''t want to go. In contrast, I have several friends who either have their babies in daycare, or started their toddlers in preschool from age 18-24 months. All of those mothers have told me that their children scream and cling to them at daycare dropoff, and the ones that are old enough to talk cry that they don''t want to go. Other friends who started their kids at ages 3-4 say that the kids enjoy school and aren''t afraid to be away from their mothers.

Here are some quotes from recent studies on the effects of daycare on children under 3:

The Families, Children and Child Care Study (UK) has shown that young children who are looked after by their mothers do significantly better in developmental tests than those cared for in nurseries, by childminders or relatives… Such children tend to show higher levels of aggression or are inclined to become more withdrawn, compliant and sad. Roberts Y. Official: babies do best with mother. Guardian Unlimited The Observer. October 2, 2005 Available at: http://observer.guardian.co.uk/uk_news/story/0,6903,1583072,00.html

The National Institute of Child Health and Development research (USA) “… the more time children spend in any of a variety of nonmaternal care arrangements across the first 4 ½ years of life … predicts problem behaviour … assertiveness, disobedience and aggression.” NICHD – Early Childcare Research Network, Does Amount of Time Spent in Childcare Predict Socioemotional Adjustment During the Transition to Kindergarten?, Child Development. 2003; Vol. 74, No. 4, pp. 976-1005.

The Effective Provision of Preschool Education research (UK) found that “high levels of group care before the age of three (and particularly before the age of two) were associated with higher levels of anti-social behaviour at age three.” Bunting M. Nursery Tales. Guardian Unlimited. July 8, 2004. Available at: http://society.guardian.co.uk/children/story/0,1074,1256423,00.html

And more recently the results of the Quebec Daycare Study as reported in the Montreal Gazette February 02, 2006: “For almost every measure, we find an increased use of child care was associated with a decrease in their well-being relative to other children. For example, reported fighting and other measures of aggressive behaviour increased substantially.” The well-being of parents also declined, with more mothers reporting depression. There was also a greater incidence of hostile parenting and dissatisfaction with spouses. Stastna K. Quebec daycare bad for children. The Gazzette (Montreal), February 2, 2006. Available at: http://www.canada.com/montrealgazette/news/montreal/story.html?id=d16cc6be-0622-4719-8b4d-bba03a6a8a76

I have not read those reports, but do we really need to go there? This needent be a ''my choice is better and here is the evidence'' conversation. Mothers who made the opposite choice could also whip up contrary evidence from the mass media if they wanted to as well.

While I do agree with others who say they would chose to stay home for the first 2 years if possible, I also want to ditto Dreamer. Reminds me of the quote in another posters sig line "have no fear of perfection - you''ll never reach it" I think that is definitely applicable to raisng children.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

On a purely emotional level, I''d say first 2 years. I had 14 months of mat leave then worked part time and that was good for me. I couldn''t have left A much before that (because of how I felt, not because I think that''s right or necessary).

DH plans to be working for himself, from home, by the time she starts school, so he''ll be here from 4 onwards. I''ll probably be quite envious because little kids are a lot of fun at that age and he''ll get to pick her up from school, hear all about her day etc.

As with most things to do with parenting, the right answer is the one that works for your family and makes you happiest.

 

[cdt1101]

Date: 1/6/2010 3:54:34 AM
Author: softly softly

Date: 1/6/2010 2:12:23 AM
Author: dreamer_dachsie

Date: 1/5/2010 6:22:27 PM
Author: vespergirl






Definitely from age 0-2. Leading child psychologists, like Steve Biddulph, Dr. Penelope Leach, Dr. Burton White, Dr. Peter Cook, and Sir Richard Bowlby all emphasize the critical important of maternal one-on-one care for babies and toddlers under age 3. Most children are not developmentally ready or secure enough to be away from their mothers before age 3.

This is just a personal anecdote, but I started my son in preschool a couple of months ago at the age of 3 (2.5 hours for two mornings per week). He is secure and happy and loves school, and has never once cried at dropoff or said that he didn't want to go. In contrast, I have several friends who either have their babies in daycare, or started their toddlers in preschool from age 18-24 months. All of those mothers have told me that their children scream and cling to them at daycare dropoff, and the ones that are old enough to talk cry that they don't want to go. Other friends who started their kids at ages 3-4 say that the kids enjoy school and aren't afraid to be away from their mothers.

Here are some quotes from recent studies on the effects of daycare on children under 3:

The Families, Children and Child Care Study (UK) has shown that young children who are looked after by their mothers do significantly better in developmental tests than those cared for in nurseries, by childminders or relatives… Such children tend to show higher levels of aggression or are inclined to become more withdrawn, compliant and sad. Roberts Y. Official: babies do best with mother. Guardian Unlimited The Observer. October 2, 2005 Available at: http://observer.guardian.co.uk/uk_news/story/0,6903,1583072,00.html

The National Institute of Child Health and Development research (USA) “… the more time children spend in any of a variety of nonmaternal care arrangements across the first 4 ½ years of life … predicts problem behaviour … assertiveness, disobedience and aggression.” NICHD – Early Childcare Research Network, Does Amount of Time Spent in Childcare Predict Socioemotional Adjustment During the Transition to Kindergarten?, Child Development. 2003; Vol. 74, No. 4, pp. 976-1005.

The Effective Provision of Preschool Education research (UK) found that “high levels of group care before the age of three (and particularly before the age of two) were associated with higher levels of anti-social behaviour at age three.” Bunting M. Nursery Tales. Guardian Unlimited. July 8, 2004. Available at: http://society.guardian.co.uk/children/story/0,1074,1256423,00.html

And more recently the results of the Quebec Daycare Study as reported in the Montreal Gazette February 02, 2006: “For almost every measure, we find an increased use of child care was associated with a decrease in their well-being relative to other children. For example, reported fighting and other measures of aggressive behaviour increased substantially.” The well-being of parents also declined, with more mothers reporting depression. There was also a greater incidence of hostile parenting and dissatisfaction with spouses. Stastna K. Quebec daycare bad for children. The Gazzette (Montreal), February 2, 2006. Available at: http://www.canada.com/montrealgazette/news/montreal/story.html?id=d16cc6be-0622-4719-8b4d-bba03a6a8a76

I have not read those reports, but do we really need to go there? This needent be a 'my choice is better and here is the evidence' conversation. Mothers who made the opposite choice could also whip up contrary evidence from the mass media if they wanted to as well.

While I do agree with others who say they would chose to stay home for the first 2 years if possible, I also want to ditto Dreamer. Reminds me of the quote in another posters sig line 'have no fear of perfection - you'll never reach it' I think that is definitely applicable to raisng children.

thritto Dreamer. All the "psychological" references get a little old

ETA : In the future, when coming up w/ "evidence" of how great/beneficial it is to SAH, maybe be mindful of the fact that some woman (many) have NO choice, but to work! And personally, I refuse to believe my child will not be as "bright" because of it...it's absolutely ridiculous! I consider myself an intelligent person and my mom never stayed home, I MUST be the exception

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Where are these studies being done? I don't know of any SAHMs in real life. I've never met one and thinking back, I don't remember any of my friends having one when I was a child. I don't think it's the norm where I live, although I'm sure there are some out there. Maybe it's because we have longer maternity leave arrangements? Or maybe workplace childcare and child-friendly workplace policies are more common here? I suppose it depends on the employer.

If the choice had been to go back to work after a few weeks or even months or give up work, I'd probably have given up work (I'm talking about my own preferences only, not what I think is 'right'). Having the opportunity to be at home for the first year plus was perfect for me, especially with a part time working option thereafter.

Jen

ETA now that I think about it, my cousin is a SAHM, but she lives in the US where it seems to be more common. I know I'm generalising, but I find these discussions really interesting, because I think there are significant differences in different cultures.

Janinegirly, do you have a plan to take a break from work for a while?

 

[steph72276]

Date: 1/6/2010 9:15:53 AM
Author: Mrs Mitchell
Where are these studies being done? I don't know of any SAHMs in real life. I've never met one and thinking back, I don't remember any of my friends having one when I was a child. I don't think it's the norm where I live, although I'm sure there are some out there. Maybe it's because we have longer maternity leave arrangements? Or maybe workplace childcare and child-friendly workplace policies are more common here? I suppose it depends on the employer.


If the choice had been to go back to work after a few weeks or even months or give up work, I'd probably have given up work (I'm talking about my own preferences only, not what I think is 'right'). Having the opportunity to be at home for the first year plus was perfect for me, especially with a part time working option thereafter.


Jen


ETA now that I think about it, my cousin is a SAHM, but she lives in the US where it seems to be more common. I know I'm generalising, but I find these discussions really interesting, because I think there are significant differences in different cultures.


Janinegirly, do you have a plan to take a break from work for a while?

Mrs Mitchell, I think you are so right. In the US, if we had longer maternity leave (I think 6 weeks is the norm at most places) and more places offered workplace childcare, I don't think SAHM would be so abundant. I went back to work for a school year after my son was born, but between paying a nanny, gas, work clothes, etc. it didn't make any sense for me to really work as a teacher until my children are in school full time. At that point, I will go back to work. I have enjoyed staying at home, but my little guy was just as happy when I was at work...I think it has to do more with quality instead of quantity of time you spend with your child and I don't think either choice is right or wrong, it is whatever works with each family.

 

[Jas12]

I would choose the first 2 years.
In a perfect world i would stay home 2 years then do part time until my kids were in school. I do enjoy adult stimulation at work, but don''t want to be here 8 hours a day. I am really envious of families who can choose their lifesyle.

And yes, please, lets not get into a "my choice was better than yours, because" debate. If it were a matter of doing what is "text book" best every step of the way we would a) not be human b) lead pretty clinical lives
Any family that loves their kids, does the best they can, and that is different for everyone.

 

[vespergirl]

Date: 1/6/2010 2:12:23 AM
Author: dreamer_dachsie

Date: 1/5/2010 6:22:27 PM
Author: vespergirl


Definitely from age 0-2. Leading child psychologists, like Steve Biddulph, Dr. Penelope Leach, Dr. Burton White, Dr. Peter Cook, and Sir Richard Bowlby all emphasize the critical important of maternal one-on-one care for babies and toddlers under age 3. Most children are not developmentally ready or secure enough to be away from their mothers before age 3.

This is just a personal anecdote, but I started my son in preschool a couple of months ago at the age of 3 (2.5 hours for two mornings per week). He is secure and happy and loves school, and has never once cried at dropoff or said that he didn''t want to go. In contrast, I have several friends who either have their babies in daycare, or started their toddlers in preschool from age 18-24 months. All of those mothers have told me that their children scream and cling to them at daycare dropoff, and the ones that are old enough to talk cry that they don''t want to go. Other friends who started their kids at ages 3-4 say that the kids enjoy school and aren''t afraid to be away from their mothers.

Here are some quotes from recent studies on the effects of daycare on children under 3:

The Families, Children and Child Care Study (UK) has shown that young children who are looked after by their mothers do significantly better in developmental tests than those cared for in nurseries, by childminders or relatives… Such children tend to show higher levels of aggression or are inclined to become more withdrawn, compliant and sad. Roberts Y. Official: babies do best with mother. Guardian Unlimited The Observer. October 2, 2005 Available at: http://observer.guardian.co.uk/uk_news/story/0,6903,1583072,00.html

The National Institute of Child Health and Development research (USA) “… the more time children spend in any of a variety of nonmaternal care arrangements across the first 4 ½ years of life … predicts problem behaviour … assertiveness, disobedience and aggression.” NICHD – Early Childcare Research Network, Does Amount of Time Spent in Childcare Predict Socioemotional Adjustment During the Transition to Kindergarten?, Child Development. 2003; Vol. 74, No. 4, pp. 976-1005.

The Effective Provision of Preschool Education research (UK) found that “high levels of group care before the age of three (and particularly before the age of two) were associated with higher levels of anti-social behaviour at age three.” Bunting M. Nursery Tales. Guardian Unlimited. July 8, 2004. Available at: http://society.guardian.co.uk/children/story/0,1074,1256423,00.html

And more recently the results of the Quebec Daycare Study as reported in the Montreal Gazette February 02, 2006: “For almost every measure, we find an increased use of child care was associated with a decrease in their well-being relative to other children. For example, reported fighting and other measures of aggressive behaviour increased substantially.” The well-being of parents also declined, with more mothers reporting depression. There was also a greater incidence of hostile parenting and dissatisfaction with spouses. Stastna K. Quebec daycare bad for children. The Gazzette (Montreal), February 2, 2006. Available at: http://www.canada.com/montrealgazette/news/montreal/story.html?id=d16cc6be-0622-4719-8b4d-bba03a6a8a76

I have not read those reports, but do we really need to go there? This needent be a ''my choice is better and here is the evidence'' conversation. Mothers who made the opposite choice could also whip up contrary evidence from the mass media if they wanted to as well.

Well, the OP asked for advice, and I gave her not only my opinion, but also studies from child development specialists who agree that the first 3 years of life are the most important in a child''s psychological and social development. If you could show me any data from child psychologists saying that daycare is preferential to maternal care in the first 3 years of life, I''d be interested in reading it.

 

[february2003bride]

From birth to age 2

 

[DivaDiamond007]

Ditto to Dreamer and CDT. Let''s not make this about how one woman''s choice is better than anothers and realize that not all of us have the luxury of being able to stay at home in the first place.

If I had the choice, I''d stay at home for the first two years. I took a 6-month, largely unpaid, maternity leave and discovered that I am not SAHM material but I would love love love to have all that time with my son. He is 18 months now and is so much fun. Yes, he throws tantrums and is into everything but he''s so curious and learns something new everyday.

I love how he babbles in his own language and is excited when we read together or are just hanging out. He is such a blessing

 

[jewelz617]

The stay at home vs. work debate is something that can never really be resolved. Mothers have to do what is best for THEM. I stayed home for purely selfish reasons. I didn''t want to leave my daughter so I quit my job and stayed home. As a result I believe she has benefited. However I was a nanny for many years to a working family. They both worked for 9 hours a day with weekends off and their children were lovely, well adjusted, confident kids. They missed each other of course, but that was how it had to be.

I would just say if it''s your first pregnancy and you''re think you will just go back to work after 6 weeks, seriously give it thought. It''s NOT easy to do. Emergencies can happen, you might be totally miserable leaving, or you might be dying to go back and talk to other adults. Just try to plan for both scenarios.

 

[cdt1101]

Date: 1/6/2010 9:43:56 AM
Author: vespergirl

Date: 1/6/2010 2:12:23 AM
Author: dreamer_dachsie

Date: 1/5/2010 6:22:27 PM
Author: vespergirl




Definitely from age 0-2. Leading child psychologists, like Steve Biddulph, Dr. Penelope Leach, Dr. Burton White, Dr. Peter Cook, and Sir Richard Bowlby all emphasize the critical important of maternal one-on-one care for babies and toddlers under age 3. Most children are not developmentally ready or secure enough to be away from their mothers before age 3.

This is just a personal anecdote, but I started my son in preschool a couple of months ago at the age of 3 (2.5 hours for two mornings per week). He is secure and happy and loves school, and has never once cried at dropoff or said that he didn't want to go. In contrast, I have several friends who either have their babies in daycare, or started their toddlers in preschool from age 18-24 months. All of those mothers have told me that their children scream and cling to them at daycare dropoff, and the ones that are old enough to talk cry that they don't want to go. Other friends who started their kids at ages 3-4 say that the kids enjoy school and aren't afraid to be away from their mothers.

Here are some quotes from recent studies on the effects of daycare on children under 3:

The Families, Children and Child Care Study (UK) has shown that young children who are looked after by their mothers do significantly better in developmental tests than those cared for in nurseries, by childminders or relatives… Such children tend to show higher levels of aggression or are inclined to become more withdrawn, compliant and sad. Roberts Y. Official: babies do best with mother. Guardian Unlimited The Observer. October 2, 2005 Available at: http://observer.guardian.co.uk/uk_news/story/0,6903,1583072,00.html

The National Institute of Child Health and Development research (USA) “… the more time children spend in any of a variety of nonmaternal care arrangements across the first 4 ½ years of life … predicts problem behaviour … assertiveness, disobedience and aggression.” NICHD – Early Childcare Research Network, Does Amount of Time Spent in Childcare Predict Socioemotional Adjustment During the Transition to Kindergarten?, Child Development. 2003; Vol. 74, No. 4, pp. 976-1005.

The Effective Provision of Preschool Education research (UK) found that “high levels of group care before the age of three (and particularly before the age of two) were associated with higher levels of anti-social behaviour at age three.” Bunting M. Nursery Tales. Guardian Unlimited. July 8, 2004. Available at: http://society.guardian.co.uk/children/story/0,1074,1256423,00.html

And more recently the results of the Quebec Daycare Study as reported in the Montreal Gazette February 02, 2006: “For almost every measure, we find an increased use of child care was associated with a decrease in their well-being relative to other children. For example, reported fighting and other measures of aggressive behaviour increased substantially.” The well-being of parents also declined, with more mothers reporting depression. There was also a greater incidence of hostile parenting and dissatisfaction with spouses. Stastna K. Quebec daycare bad for children. The Gazzette (Montreal), February 2, 2006. Available at: http://www.canada.com/montrealgazette/news/montreal/story.html?id=d16cc6be-0622-4719-8b4d-bba03a6a8a76

I have not read those reports, but do we really need to go there? This needent be a 'my choice is better and here is the evidence' conversation. Mothers who made the opposite choice could also whip up contrary evidence from the mass media if they wanted to as well.

Well, the OP asked for advice, and I gave her not only my opinion, but also studies from child development specialists who agree that the first 3 years of life are the most important in a child's psychological and social development. If you could show me any data from child psychologists saying that daycare is preferential to maternal care in the first 3 years of life, I'd be interested in reading it.

Vesper - I don't think any mother would argue that maternal care is BETTER than daycare (of course it is!), but your posts tend to come across as "my way is the BEST way and here's the *proof*." I mean the constant references of your *friends* and how their kid is not as well behaved/well adjusted/smart or whatever than your child is a bit redundant at this point.

You can totally disregard what I say, but as a working mother who would LOVE to stay home, it gets REALLY old and if I'm being honest, hurtful, to some degree seeing your "evidence." There is ALWAYS going to be some study out there that supports your belief, and you really have no problem making your feelings known and w/ total disregard that there are MANY working mothers.

FWIW, I was able to stay home for 6 months (my employer allowed me that time) and after a lot of thought, it just wasn't the best time for me to stay home eventhough we could *scrape by* if I decided to stay home. My DH and I felt it better to not give up my income to provide a better life for our son. My son has done really well at daycare so far and has never cried when I drop him off.

I certainly do not want to start a debate, so I'll stop now

 

[curlygirl]

janine, I think we've already discussed this but I'll reiterate my opinion although I don't have any btdt advice because I'm still living through it! My kids have been in daycare since they were each 12 weeks old and I don't feel like I've missed out on anything, not to mention they are both incredibly well adjusted and smart. I have to say a big ditto to DD and cdt--I don't care what the studies say, you have to do what is best for you and your family. I would prefer to be at home when they are older so I can be there when they get home from school or chauffeur them to after-school activities but I can't say what will happen in the future!

 

[MustangGal]

The first 2 years are probably the "best" if you''d have to pick, but the child probably won''t specifically remember that time.

And, not everyone is cut out to be a SAHM. I know I''m not. I''ve been back at work since Kyle was 9 weeks old, and while I wish I could have have stayed home more like 6 months, I know I couldn''t handle a year or 2. I love my baby, but I need to stimulate my brain, and I also have the better job and better benefits, so it''s not an option for me.

 

[jewelz617]

Date: 1/6/2010 10:33:32 AM
Author: MustangGal
The first 2 years are probably the ''best'' if you''d have to pick, but the child probably won''t specifically remember that time.


And, not everyone is cut out to be a SAHM. I know I''m not. I''ve been back at work since Kyle was 9 weeks old, and while I wish I could have have stayed home more like 6 months, I know I couldn''t handle a year or 2. I love my baby, but I need to stimulate my brain, and I also have the better job and better benefits, so it''s not an option for me.

I''m a stay at home mom, and my brain gets plenty of stimulation. I haven''t turned into a Stepford Wife yet, that I''m aware of

 

[janinegirly]

DD: thanks for you post--it needed to be said

I also did not intend to turn this into a SAHM vs. working mom debate--that one has been covered ad nauseum and I think we can all agree neither is the perfect solution. The stereotypes of the stifled and depressed SAHM or of the guilt ridden working mom with outsourced children is both true in some circles and completely inaccurate in other cases. The point is we have the choice that our grandmothers did not so let's at least be thankful for that.

I was mostly curious how mothers who'd been through it felt looking back. Or working moms who now have grown kids. In my case I am considering taking 2 years off from work in the future. I say 2 years b/c I believe that is a nice chunk of time to be home but not too long away from the workforce to not be considered viable anymore. Beyond that you lose contacts, your sense of awareness of what's going on in your field as well licenses start to expire etc. In my field 2 years is not too long to be away--and it may even be beneficial if the market rebounds by then (more options).

For the record (for those who do not know) I have a 15 month old, so the 0-2 option is already out, but my mother has watched her every day that I've been at work (4 days per week), so to me that was a compromise (and I'm lucky to have it!). I have continued working 1)to save enough money so I can take 2 years off comfortably plus contribute to the renovation of our new home 2) to hopefully obtain a promotion to put me in the most optimal position for when I return and 3)because I do enjoy the interaction and stimulation that my job offers. I was home from 0-4 months and have a 6 weeks vacation time (plus one day a week I work from home).

The other big consideration is if there is #2 I have to time things correctly. So all in all, my goal is to work approx 2 more years (with my daughter going to preschool /DC for the first time 2 days a week at around 2-2.5). That means I will either be home for her 100% during ages 3-5 or be home for her duirng that age plus a newborn (0-2). Can you tell I'm a planner? With the 2 years of savings and the house remodeled/renovated by the time I leave work (meaning DH is in a position to continue saving for whatever (college, etc)), I think we would be in a good position on all sides.

Still I more started this thread out of curiousity. I know I hear some moms say they loved being home when their young children came home for school, or needed to be carted to soccer practice,etc.. And then at other times I hear variuos other opinions, so was just curious.

 

[Dreamer_D]

Date: 1/6/2010 10:47:47 AM
Author: PinkAsscher678

Date: 1/6/2010 10:33:32 AM
Author: MustangGal
The first 2 years are probably the ''best'' if you''d have to pick, but the child probably won''t specifically remember that time.


And, not everyone is cut out to be a SAHM. I know I''m not. I''ve been back at work since Kyle was 9 weeks old, and while I wish I could have have stayed home more like 6 months, I know I couldn''t handle a year or 2. I love my baby, but I need to stimulate my brain, and I also have the better job and better benefits, so it''s not an option for me.

I''m a stay at home mom, and my brain gets plenty of stimulation. I haven''t turned into a Stepford Wife yet, that I''m aware of

I am like MG in that being home with kiddo is not good for me, but I don''t think it is because of a lack od stimulation etc... I have some friends who adored being home and they were the types who planned activities every day, who took the kids on outings, who orgnized mom andme groups. And I think that is great! They found all the stimulation anyone could need. I''m just not that type of person.

Vesper My point was not to compare research, I have not looked for it nor will I, because I truly do not think that there has ever been any rigorous and conclusive research conducted on this topic. You cannot study it experimentally nor can non-experimental methods adequately test the question you are asking, and so citing "research" on the topic, escpecially when it has been translated by the mass media, is not a good practice IMO. As an aside, I agree completely that the first 3 years are the very important, actually the first 6 are the most important, and have read many studies supporting that from an attachment and from a developmental perspective. But I do not believe that maternal care is required during that time to achieve the best outcomes. I am a psychologist and have never encountered any conclusive evidence to that effect. Many psychologists like to editorialize about their results, Bowlby being perhaps the worst for that if you read the source material

 

[MichelleCarmen]

The first two years would be my choice. . .Hopefully I don't step on any toes here, but I feel that early bonding with *my kids* was best *for me*. When my younger son was two, him and his older brother, who was four both began going to PT preschool and both did fairly well. A bit of crying the first week, then settled into a routine. They've been highly confident since then.

Regardless of which age range you choose, you and your child will have wonderful time together. Also, from my experience, every age group brings on major challenges, so deciding which you'd be *more patient* handling may come into play. Would you be better able to deal with a crying fussing baby who also takes a lot of naps or a fussing toddler who gets into everything? hehehe I have to say that having my son in kindergarten last year was VERY enjoyable as I was able to volunteer at the school and was in his class 2-3 times per week helping out.

Each has pros/cons.

 

[MichelleCarmen]

Date: 1/6/2010 9:15:53 AM
Author: Mrs Mitchell
Where are these studies being done? I don''t know of any SAHMs in real life. I''ve never met one and thinking back, I don''t remember any of my friends having one when I was a child. I don''t think it''s the norm where I live, although I''m sure there are some out there. Maybe it''s because we have longer maternity leave arrangements? Or maybe workplace childcare and child-friendly workplace policies are more common here? I suppose it depends on the employer.

If the choice had been to go back to work after a few weeks or even months or give up work, I''d probably have given up work (I''m talking about my own preferences only, not what I think is ''right''). Having the opportunity to be at home for the first year plus was perfect for me, especially with a part time working option thereafter.

Jen

ETA now that I think about it, my cousin is a SAHM, but she lives in the US where it seems to be more common. I know I''m generalising, but I find these discussions really interesting, because I think there are significant differences in different cultures.

Janinegirly, do you have a plan to take a break from work for a while?

Mrs. Mitchell - where do you live? In my kids'' school and among my friends, 3/4ths of them are SAHMs even now that they''re kids are in school. It''s fairly common around here. I live in the US (in Washington State - just outside of Seattle).

Some of the moms are well-off and others have made sacrifices. We do live in an upper middle class neighborhood, so we picked THAT - nice house & great school disctrict, over having other luxuries. I do not sport large diamonds and my car is 9 years old and those are two things I decided were not as important as being home with my kids. I wish I could have it all, but nope, not in the cards.

 

[phoenixgirl]

Our tentative plan is for me to stay home after (hypothetical) baby #2. When they''re both in school, then I''ll consider going back to work. When we found out I was pregnant was the worst month for DH (financial advisor -- not easy in this economy), so we didn''t even really consider me staying home. Now I think we could make it work with some sacrifices, but I''m going to try being a working mom first. I think the hardest period will be these next few months when Claire is still breastfeeding. I just have to make it to June (I hope to breastfeed past June, I just mean that the once we hit the summer, things will be easier, and then she''ll be 10 months old when I go back to work, so she''ll be eating a whole lot more foods at that point).

I was just reading about women in the workforce in The Economist. Juggling a career and family is definitely the modern dilemma for women.

I wonder if those studies about children of SAHM are comparing apples to apples regarding the happiness of the marriage (if there even is one), the education of the parents, the financial security of the family, etc. I don''t think I need to explicate the implications if the study had uneducated single moms making minimum wage as part of the "non SAHM" group. I would argue that the type of couple capable of supporting a SAHM, whether or not they choose to do so, had it in the cards to produce a more secure child from the beginning.