Boyfriend thinks we''re too young for marriage

[Lauren8211]

Date: 4/29/2009 9:47:26 PM
Author: Bia
maybe she forgot?

Maybe it was a dream, and she was sleep-PSing?

 

[trillionaire]

Date: 4/29/2009 9:47:26 PM
Author: Bia
maybe she forgot?

if she forgot, she is DEF too young to be getting married.

 

[IloveAsschers13]

Date: 4/29/2009 9:59:37 PM
Author: trillionaire

Date: 4/29/2009 9:47:26 PM

Author: Bia

maybe she forgot?

if she forgot, she is DEF too young to be getting married.

Ha good point.

 

[Bia]

Date: 4/29/2009 9:59:37 PM
Author: trillionaire

Date: 4/29/2009 9:47:26 PM

Author: Bia

maybe she forgot?

if she forgot, she is DEF too young to be getting married.

fo shizzle dizzle

 

[swingirl]

Our proposal story is so random. We were both just relaxing at home eating junk food and watching TV, when I felt something hard brush against my finger while digging into a bag of chex mix. I pulled it out and it was a greasy engagement ring. I just couldn't stop laughing! I even forgot to tell him yes. It wasn't until later that night he was like, "So...you never gave me an answer."

~~Sparkle, Sparkle~~

Too much junk food -- affects the memory.

 

[Italiahaircolor]

I believe men and women look at what it takes to get married differently. Men think more about financal responsibilities. Women go off emotional readiness.

People that get married "young" tend to have higher divorce rate, it takes a greater amount of time to become stable, and people are still really growing individually. I married my husband at 24. I don''t think I was too young...but it certainly was on the younger side of things. Even in the last two years of marriage, I see the personal growth I''ve experienced. My interests have changed as have my priorities. I''m lucky that my husband has grown with me, but if he hadn''t, it certainly would have been more difficult.

22 is very young, and if 30 is your limit, you''re many years off from that number. I hope you continue to express your feelings, letting your boyfriend know where you stand and what your expectations are.

Good luck!!!

 

[jaylex]

Date: 4/29/2009 4:45:25 PM
Author: purselover
Do you think there might be other reasons going on, such as he wants to be settled into his career, he thinks you should live together first etc? I think it''s odd that the only reason he wouldn''t want to get married is age. I would ask him what he thinks will change between now and 30 that would make you better suited to get married.

There really is a lot to your post.

I agree with what purselover said.
It sounds like he may have different reasons for not wanting to get married yet. If you stop pushing the marriage idea and talk to him about the way he''s really feeling, you may get a better result than you were expecting.

You mentioned that your parents married young. Look at his parents. How old were they when they got married? If they got married at say, 24 and had marriage problems or are divorced or something, that may be why he wants to wait.
Maybe he wants to have a certain amount of money saved up for the wedding if he thinks your parents wont help out.
Maybe he wants to sit down and have a heart to heart with your/his parents before he makes plans as serious as a proposal.
Maybe he wants to land his dream job first.
Maybe he''s just not ready??

No matter what his reason is, people change their minds every day. His answer of "30" today, may be "24" next year.

Also, You said that you think he may be looking at rings but trying to throw you off. If that''s the case, be very careful as to how often you bring up the proposal idea. You wouldn''t want to ruin your surprise by nagging so much that he just blurts out "I''m proposing on the 15th of _____(month)! Now leave me alone!". or something like that. I have to watch that with my bf. I know he''s planning on proposing soon, but I don''t want to sway his idea of which date to propose on, or find out before i''m supposed to. Now, if you are incorrect in thinking that he is getting ready to propose (which IMHO, 30 sounds WAY to far away to be a decoy age) try to figure out the real reason he''s wanting to wait.


BTW, I''m "young". (19). Bf and i have been together for almost 4 years. (He''s 21). We are both finished with our college courses and are established in our careers. We don''t live together yet. We are planning on getting engaged this year, moving out and having a 2 year engagement. (so that we can get a house settled and afford to pay for our own wedding, among other reasons)

Would your bf be opposed to a similar arrangement? (get engaged in a year or two, married in 4 or 5?)

I don''t think that 30 is old to be a mother but I, like you, hope to be a relatively young mother (24/25 when my first is born if all goes according to our plan).


I completely understand where you''re coming from with the "I already found the love of my life, so...why should I wait?" thing, but the answer is simple. He wants to. Would you really want him to rush into an engagement if you knew that he didn''t have his whole heart in it? That''s probably not the best foundation for a marraige (in my opinion).

Sorry for the long reply.
Hope this helps!

-Alexa (lexi 2!

)

 

[jcarlylew]

Date: 4/29/2009 4:31:58 PM
Author: elledizzy5
Marriage is the right choice when two people are ready. Your BF is saying he''s not ready, and no, that''s not stupid. You''re ready, and no that''s not stupid. The reality is that you''re not on the same timeline (assuming he''s not just throwing you off) so you have to decide if he''s really right for you. Are you willing to wait 8 more years to get married? Or are you ready to leave him and find someone who wants to marry you now?


There''s no one right answer. You just have to take what your BF says as truth, and make your decision based on what is best for you.

It does sound like in this case your boyfriend is much too young to marry, and he is clearly telling you so.

I won''t talk about all that age vs. divorce rates crap because I think it really is a crap shoot.

You need some time to think to yourself and talk to your boyfriend to decide if you want the same things in life. I think it is too soon for you to make any big decisions about your relationship, but having a personal deadline would not be unreasonable. For example, if you decide that being engaged by the time you are 25 is the longest you are willing to compromise, you need to be clear about that. Because marriage is all about compromise.

Maybe after college and starting a career things will change for you boyfriend, perhaps all of a sudden he will decide he is ready to be married. I certainly married slightly younger than I ever thought I would! Try not be be too anxious and enjoy your life as a girlfriend a little longer! LIWitis is going to hit hard, especially when you start hearing about all your highschool classmates that are getting married and having babies. Thats where pricescope comes in!

well said Elle and Izzy!

 

[lexychoo]

Oh god, this is so embarrassing. That was my first post on this forum and I completely fabricated that story. No proposal. I have never been engaged.

The majority of the responses here are what I figured them to be. But I really don''t feel like I''m rushing. Maybe in a few years my opinions will change, but right now I feel so ready. The only problem is that my boyfriend isn''t. I graduated last year, I got my first real job earlier this year. Besides the economy being a little out of whack, I don''t see any reason to wait. What other milestone is there except to get married? But then again, my boyfriend is getting his master''s, so he probably wants to wait until he''s through with that. I don''t know, it''s just so frustrating. We''re chasing after different things and I don''t know what to do. My biggest fear is after finally waiting until we''re 30 he decides to change his mind. I would have waited all that time for nothing, all that time I *could* have used toward finding someone who wants the same things as me and wants to go down the same path.

I''m seriously sick of waiting, and all the time I spend here and other engagement related blogs and sites probably don''t help. I guess I should try to just stop and enjoy what I have now, which is a loving boyfriend. But still, it''s hard.

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 4/30/2009 11:34:24 AM
Author: lexychoo
Oh god, this is so embarrassing. That was my first post on this forum and I completely fabricated that story. No proposal. I have never been engaged.

The majority of the responses here are what I figured them to be. But I really don''t feel like I''m rushing. Maybe in a few years my opinions will change, but right now I feel so ready. The only problem is that my boyfriend isn''t. I graduated last year, I got my first real job earlier this year. Besides the economy being a little out of whack, I don''t see any reason to wait. What other milestone is there except to get married? But then again, my boyfriend is getting his master''s, so he probably wants to wait until he''s through with that. I don''t know, it''s just so frustrating. We''re chasing after different things and I don''t know what to do. My biggest fear is after finally waiting until we''re 30 he decides to change his mind. I would have waited all that time for nothing, all that time I *could* have used toward finding someone who wants the same things as me and wants to go down the same path.

I''m seriously sick of waiting, and all the time I spend here and other engagement related blogs and sites probably don''t help. I guess I should try to just stop and enjoy what I have now, which is a loving boyfriend. But still, it''s hard.

LOL!

Oh man... I have to ask, why did you fabricate that story? You don''t have to answer if you don''t want to.

I must give props for fessing up though... if I were you, I would''ve just made a completely new identity and started fresh!

Ok, your boyfriend doesn''t need a concrete reason why he''s not ready. He''s just simply not there. You may feel like there''s nothing else to do but get married, he clearly does not. Who knows when he''ll feel ready? Only him, and he probably doesn''t have a clue.

You just have to get comfy with the fact that you may not marry him for another 8 years (When you''re old and grey

) or find a man who wants to get married soon.

Those are your choices. Yes... it''s hard. I''ve been waiting a year, and I can''t even IMAGINE waiting 8. Or maybe more. There''s no guarantee that he''ll wake up on his 30th birthday and run to the altar with you. All you can do is decide whether you can wait an indefinite amount of time without growing resentful. I have a feeling if you wait long enough, when it comes, you may not want it anymore.

 

[decodelighted]

Date: 4/30/2009 11:34:24 AM
Author: lexychoo
Maybe in a few years my opinions will change, but right now I feel so ready. The only problem is that my boyfriend isn''t. I graduated last year, I got my first real job earlier this year. Besides the economy being a little out of whack, I don''t see any reason to wait. What other milestone is there except to get married?

First of all ... thanks for admitting that your first post was a fib. That takes a lot of guts to admit ... but I''m sure when you posted that you were just kinda fantasizing & not thinking you''d be sticking around the forum. Hopefully you won''t catch a lot of flack for it. Who hasn''t told a white lie from time to time?

Re: the bolded parts above:

You think you *feel* ready ... but really the next line shows that you just think that''s "what''s next" and you want to move on. Then what? Baby? Buying a house? Then what? Listen, it''s not a race. If you rush through your life looking for the next the next the next -- you''ll MISS IT.

This is going to sound silly but go listen to Miley Cyrus''s new song "The Climb". Maybe that will resonate with a young gal like yourself. It touches me (ridiculously) and I''m 41.

I''m going to share a secret with you. 22, 23 ... those are really hard ages. Many folks are just leaving organized schooling & staring for the first time out at the big, wide abyss of life. There''s a lot of uncertainty and a HUGE URGE to seek "the next step". To feel that addictive surge of *progress* that you''ve been used to your whole life. Grades. Steps. Levels. Tests. etc. Transition from college to life is H-A-R-D. Things don''t work the same way. There''s not as much organized approval & no easy to follow path. Think about this a bit. Decide if your feeling "ready" for marriage is less about actually being emotionally and financially ready for adult partnership & more about wanting the relief of *progress*. A tick mark toward what you expect for your life. The fact that you''re not really acknowledging/honoring your boyfriend''s LACK of "readiness" makes me think its not about "partnership" ... but about getting what you want for your own sense of security/progress/milestone etc. Don''t poo-poo his very real hesitation. You''re not any more right than he is. And its not a good enough reason to do something just because you can''t think of reasons NOT to do it.

Slow down. Tolerate the discomfort. Realize its a tough transition period that won''t be solved by getting your way. ENJOY THE CLIMB.

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 4/30/2009 11:50:44 AM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 4/30/2009 11:34:24 AM
Author: lexychoo
Maybe in a few years my opinions will change, but right now I feel so ready. The only problem is that my boyfriend isn''t. I graduated last year, I got my first real job earlier this year. Besides the economy being a little out of whack, I don''t see any reason to wait. What other milestone is there except to get married?

First of all ... thanks for admitting that your first post was a fib. That takes a lot of guts to admit ... but I''m sure when you posted that you were just kinda fantasizing & not thinking you''d be sticking around the forum. Hopefully you won''t catch a lot of flack for it. Who hasn''t told a white lie from time to time?

Re: the bolded parts above:

You think you *feel* ready ... but really the next line shows that you just think that''s ''what''s next'' and you want to move on. Then what? Baby? Buying a house? Then what? Listen, it''s not a race. If you rush through your life looking for the next the next the next -- you''ll MISS IT.

This is going to sound silly but go listen to Miley Cyrus''s new song ''The Climb''. Maybe that will resonate with a young gal like yourself. It touches me (ridiculously) and I''m 41.

I''m going to share a secret with you. 22, 23 ... those are really hard ages. Many folks are just leaving organized schooling & staring for the first time out at the big, wide abyss of life. There''s a lot of uncertainty and a HUGE URGE to seek ''the next step''. To feel that addictive surge of *progress* that you''ve been used to your whole life. Grades. Steps. Levels. Tests. etc. Transition from college to life is H-A-R-D. Things don''t work the same way. There''s not as much organized approval & no easy to follow path. Think about this a bit. Decide if your feeling ''ready'' for marriage is less about actually being emotionally and financially ready for adult partnership & more about wanting the relief of *progress*. A tick mark toward what you expect for your life. The fact that you''re not really acknowledging/honoring your boyfriend''s LACK of ''readiness'' makes me think its not about ''partnership'' ... but about getting what you want for your own sense of security/progress/milestone etc. Don''t poo-poo his very real hesitation. You''re not any more right than he is. And its not a good enough reason to do something just because you can''t think of reasons NOT to do it.

Slow down. Tolerate the discomfort. Realize its a tough transition period that won''t be solved by getting your way. ENJOY THE CLIMB.

Great post, Deco!

Resonated with me as well.

 

[havernell]

Date: 4/30/2009 11:34:24 AM

Author: lexychoo

What other milestone is there except to get married?

[/quote]

One goal or milestone I set for myself after I graduated from college was to develop myself into a secure, independent woman (not girl) who felt safe in her own skin, had developed some professional goals, saved some of my own money, and who would be in a position to take on the world no matter what. It was a really valuable growth time for me that I wouldn''t trade for anything. I also worked on developing close female friendships so that when I did have a boyfriend I also had my own independent life (as having your life only revolve around only one person is never healthy).

The more you work on YOU now, the better partner you will be to your future husband down the road and the more secure you''ll feel when you go through the identity crisis that is inherent when going from being a "me" to a "we" in marriage. So, take this time in life you make yourself *fabulous*!

 

[lexychoo]

Date: 4/30/2009 11:50:44 AM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 4/30/2009 11:34:24 AM

Author: lexychoo

Maybe in a few years my opinions will change, but right now I feel so ready. The only problem is that my boyfriend isn''t. I graduated last year, I got my first real job earlier this year. Besides the economy being a little out of whack, I don''t see any reason to wait. What other milestone is there except to get married?

First of all ... thanks for admitting that your first post was a fib. That takes a lot of guts to admit ... but I''m sure when you posted that you were just kinda fantasizing & not thinking you''d be sticking around the forum. Hopefully you won''t catch a lot of flack for it. Who hasn''t told a white lie from time to time?


Re: the bolded parts above:


You think you *feel* ready ... but really the next line shows that you just think that''s ''what''s next'' and you want to move on. Then what? Baby? Buying a house? Then what? Listen, it''s not a race. If you rush through your life looking for the next the next the next -- you''ll MISS IT.


This is going to sound silly but go listen to Miley Cyrus''s new song ''The Climb''. Maybe that will resonate with a young gal like yourself. It touches me (ridiculously) and I''m 41.


I''m going to share a secret with you. 22, 23 ... those are really hard ages. Many folks are just leaving organized schooling & staring for the first time out at the big, wide abyss of life. There''s a lot of uncertainty and a HUGE URGE to seek ''the next step''. To feel that addictive surge of *progress* that you''ve been used to your whole life. Grades. Steps. Levels. Tests. etc. Transition from college to life is H-A-R-D. Things don''t work the same way. There''s not as much organized approval & no easy to follow path. Think about this a bit. Decide if your feeling ''ready'' for marriage is less about actually being emotionally and financially ready for adult partnership & more about wanting the relief of *progress*. A tick mark toward what you expect for your life. The fact that you''re not really acknowledging/honoring your boyfriend''s LACK of ''readiness'' makes me think its not about ''partnership'' ... but about getting what you want for your own sense of security/progress/milestone etc. Don''t poo-poo his very real hesitation. You''re not any more right than he is. And its not a good enough reason to do something just because you can''t think of reasons NOT to do it.


Slow down. Tolerate the discomfort. Realize its a tough transition period that won''t be solved by getting your way. ENJOY THE CLIMB.

Lol! I guess Miley Cyrus should take advice from her own song.

Anyway, how you explained this makes a lot of sense. I guess I do look for the next "steps" to take in life. It just feels so strange to suddenly start coasting along through life. I guess you can say I get bored easily sometimes. I don''t know. These are things I guess I should give some more thought on. I just feel like I''m in a disadvantage because most people my age haven''t found "the one" yet. They might find him or her in their late 20s, then they wait a few years and get hitched. Eight years is such a long time. But maybe time will change my outlook on all this. Thanks for all you guys'' help.

Oh man... I have to ask, why did you fabricate that story? You don''t have to answer if you don''t want to.

Oh boy...well, this forum can be a bit overwhelming at first, but I just felt this urge to participate since I was mostly a lurker. I wrote it and forgot all about it!

 

[Bia]

Deco, I agree. I went through something similar when I graduated from school. College life takes over and then, boom, you're done and you have no idea what to do with yourself!

Lexychoo, I applaud you for being brave enough to admit that you were never engaged. I honestly didn't think we'd see you around these parts, not with the same name anyway.

But I understand wanting to participate that badly. LIW is a great place!

Listen, no one wants to hear "you're too young/old." You may very well be ready to be married, but no matter how you feel, your man isn't ready. And because he is young, I can understand, and respect, why he's not. You ultimately have to do what is best for you, but I think you'll find that right now is a great time to just be happy and free. You have a job, you have a man that loves you, so really, you're not doing too shabby! I say, have fun and start making memories with your boyfriend. After a few more years (who knows, maybe one year), maybe he'll surprise you. But if he isn't eventually warming up to the idea of marriage, then at least you'll have more answers.

Just so you know, there are quite a few women on PS who gave their relationships more time to grow before a proposal. I personally wasn't ready for marriage at 22, but we had other obstacles to overcome and I had to decide whether I wanted to stick out and see what's what. I did because I knew, deep down, that he was the one for me. Now we're engaged (27 may be old to you but it's not to me!!! LOL). Other women here stuck it out for years, hoping a proposal was just around the corner. Some got their wish, and others realized that their BFs were never going to be ready, so they moved on (some anyway).

Your guy sounds like a good egg, so I encourage you to give it a bit more time.

 

[TravelingGal]

Date: 4/30/2009 12:28:53 PM
Author: lexychoo

Oh man... I have to ask, why did you fabricate that story? You don''t have to answer if you don''t want to.

Oh boy...well, this forum can be a bit overwhelming at first, but I just felt this urge to participate since I was mostly a lurker. I wrote it and forgot all about it!

I am with the others - kudos to you for telling the truth on that front. However...

You felt an urge, and you went through with it even if it meant fabricating a story. I do question your maturity level a bit. Growing up is about learning to put off instant gratification, and that you can''t have everything you want WHEN you want it. Obviously I include engagement in that. Just based on the very little I know about you, I''d say waiting for marriage might be a good idea.

I generally think 22 is too young in this day and age to get engaged and married. There are definitely exceptions to that rule (a few of whom are on Pricescope). Just read an article the other day that the part of your brain called the prefrontal cortex which contols judgment, values, long term goals and impulse control doesn''t finish ramping up until you are in your mid twenties - which might explain why so many people in their late twenties, early 30''s say you "grow" so much in your twenties. The brain ain''t fully baked in your early 20''s!

So enjoy Pricescope with a degree of salt. The best thing about engagement and a wedding is when it actually happens at the RIGHT time and leads to a healthy marriage - which is a lifelong project. You''ve got time.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Date: 4/30/2009 11:50:44 AM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 4/30/2009 11:34:24 AM
Author: lexychoo
Maybe in a few years my opinions will change, but right now I feel so ready. The only problem is that my boyfriend isn''t. I graduated last year, I got my first real job earlier this year. Besides the economy being a little out of whack, I don''t see any reason to wait. What other milestone is there except to get married?

First of all ... thanks for admitting that your first post was a fib. That takes a lot of guts to admit ... but I''m sure when you posted that you were just kinda fantasizing & not thinking you''d be sticking around the forum. Hopefully you won''t catch a lot of flack for it. Who hasn''t told a white lie from time to time?

I just wanted to second this--I commend you for admitting you fabricated, I didn''t think you''d be back

I''d love to tell you to enjoy the climb, and in theory I get it, but unfortunately I think an 8-year climb is going to get old. You are ready now. That means that every day that passes you are getting more and more overcooked. Unfortunately it is very difficult for a woman disregard the nagging "I want to get married" feeling once the seed has been planted and in more cases than not, waiting leads to resentment that eats away at the relationship. I think that if you are are truly committed to waiting for up to eight years, you are going to have to come up with a solid plan, WITH your boyfriend, for fending off the anxiety that will inevitably set in.

What you don''t want to fall into the habit of doing is having those "when are we getting engaged/when will you be ready/I want a riiiiing" conversations that we women resort to in order to calm our own nerves. He''s going to get frustrated because he''s told you he is not going to be ready for many more years and you''re going to get frustrated that he keeps telling you the truth. You will need to come to terms with the fact that you are choosing to give him eight more years and there is no guarantee that he will propose, but that you trust him enough to let it go and take the risk.

 

[Dreamgirl]

Date: 4/30/2009 11:34:24 AM
Author: lexychoo
What other milestone is there except to get married? But then again, my boyfriend is getting his master''s, so he probably wants to wait until he''s through with that. I don''t know, it''s just so frustrating.

I guess I should try to just stop and enjoy what I have now, which is a loving boyfriend. But still, it''s hard.

Looks like the Master''s IS the next milestone in his life. You''ve got to support him while he finishes up with his school because that is probably his #1 priority right now...marriage can come later.

Yes, you should enjoy just now. You are young and as I said before...time FLIES and in no time at all, you will be engaged soon enough. But for now, you''ve got a guy who loves you.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 4/30/2009 2:05:06 PM
Author: TravelingGal

Date: 4/30/2009 12:28:53 PM
Author: lexychoo

Oh man... I have to ask, why did you fabricate that story? You don''t have to answer if you don''t want to.

Oh boy...well, this forum can be a bit overwhelming at first, but I just felt this urge to participate since I was mostly a lurker. I wrote it and forgot all about it!

I am with the others - kudos to you for telling the truth on that front. However...

You felt an urge, and you went through with it even if it meant fabricating a story. I do question your maturity level a bit. Growing up is about learning to put off instant gratification, and that you can''t have everything you want WHEN you want it. Obviously I include engagement in that. Just based on the very little I know about you, I''d say waiting for marriage might be a good idea.

Ditto

 

[PrincessLily2009]

I''m around the same age as you, and once upon a time, my BF thought 30 was the "right" age for getting married, as well. To him, "30" represented maturity, financial security, and just an all around good time to settle down. A year or so later, he''s loosened up a bit, and now he''s realized that getting married before he''s 30 may not be the end of the world. Actually, he''s thinking he''d like to get married around 25ish.

I would also like to point out that part of the reason my BF picked 30 was because it was far away, and he wasn''t quite sure at that time if I was really the right girl for him. (Til death is a big decision!)

Also, BF likes to prepare me for the worst possible scenario, and maybe your BF is thinking along the same lines? Maybe he just doesn''t want to commit to something without being sure he''ll have enough time to get everything in order?

I had a MAJOR case of iwannagetmarriedrightnow syndrome a while back. I''m not proud to admit it, but there were many arguments and many tears, but somehow, we muddled through. I came to the realization that it was his engagement, too, and a rushed engagement would probably lead to "cold feet" come wedding day, and I certainly wouldn''t want that. Besides, I want to know that he proposed because he felt compelled to in his heart. I don''t want to think, "oh no, did he do this just because he had no other choice?"

I realized that I would rather be waiting for a proposal from by BF than be engaged to anyone else, and I think that was the huge mental shift that allowed us to wait in peace.

 

[lucyandroger]

Date: 4/30/2009 11:50:44 AM
Author: decodelighted

I'm going to share a secret with you. 22, 23 ... those are really hard ages. Many folks are just leaving organized schooling & staring for the first time out at the big, wide abyss of life. There's a lot of uncertainty and a HUGE URGE to seek 'the next step'. To feel that addictive surge of *progress* that you've been used to your whole life. Grades. Steps. Levels. Tests. etc. Transition from college to life is H-A-R-D. Things don't work the same way. There's not as much organized approval & no easy to follow path. Think about this a bit. Decide if your feeling 'ready' for marriage is less about actually being emotionally and financially ready for adult partnership & more about wanting the relief of *progress*. A tick mark toward what you expect for your life. The fact that you're not really acknowledging/honoring your boyfriend's LACK of 'readiness' makes me think its not about 'partnership' ... but about getting what you want for your own sense of security/progress/milestone etc. Don't poo-poo his very real hesitation. You're not any more right than he is. And its not a good enough reason to do something just because you can't think of reasons NOT to do it.

Slow down. Tolerate the discomfort. Realize its a tough transition period that won't be solved by getting your way. ENJOY THE CLIMB.

Wow, Deco....you just really opened my eyes to my own situation....thank you for your thoughtful post.

Lexy - You've gotten a lot of great advice so I just wanted to say you're pretty awesome for coming back after being called out like that. I actually think that's a mature thing to do. Hope to see you around these parts more often

 

[fuzzers]

Date: 4/30/2009 11:50:44 AM
Author: decodelighted
I'm going to share a secret with you. 22, 23 ... those are really hard ages. Many folks are just leaving organized schooling & staring for the first time out at the big, wide abyss of life. There's a lot of uncertainty and a HUGE URGE to seek 'the next step'. To feel that addictive surge of *progress* that you've been used to your whole life. Grades. Steps. Levels. Tests. etc. Transition from college to life is H-A-R-D. Things don't work the same way. There's not as much organized approval & no easy to follow path. Think about this a bit. Decide if your feeling 'ready' for marriage is less about actually being emotionally and financially ready for adult partnership & more about wanting the relief of *progress*. A tick mark toward what you expect for your life. The fact that you're not really acknowledging/honoring your boyfriend's LACK of 'readiness' makes me think its not about 'partnership' ... but about getting what you want for your own sense of security/progress/milestone etc. Don't poo-poo his very real hesitation. You're not any more right than he is. And its not a good enough reason to do something just because you can't think of reasons NOT to do it.

Slow down. Tolerate the discomfort. Realize its a tough transition period that won't be solved by getting your way. ENJOY THE CLIMB.

I'm going to print this out and read it over and over. It's very true.

To the OP, hope you're feeling better. You got some great advice.

 

[mimzy]

from one lexi/y to another, i understand the things you''re feeling all too well! my DH and i have been together from the time we were 19/20 and by 21/22 i was READY. in so many ways, i was ready. aaanndddd, he wasn''t. and no amount of reasoning or passion filled arguments could have changed that. i know it''s hard when everyone around you is getting engaged and married, but i beg you to resist the urge and rise above the temptation to let yourself become caught up in that. this is your LIFE - it''s not something to sprint through or to compare to others. you need to think about what is right for you as a couple, not about just what is right for you - that is, if you are 100% dedicated to marrying HIM, and not just getting married. you have SO many options as to what to do with the next few years of your life, getting married young is not the only path to take

that said, i''m not sure i understand why you feel like you''re at a disadvantage. because you feel like you don''t have as much to look forward to as people who are still searching for their ''one''? also, as someone who also gets bored sort of easily (or as i like to put it "appreciates change") keep in mind that once you get married.....buy a house....have a kid....those things are over. fin. not to say that there''s nothing to look forward to after that, but those major events will be behind you and you could very easily find yourself bored just the same as you are now, but with a lot more responsibility, and a fewer options. do your best to take that energy and apply it to something else NOW besides engagement/marriage - surely there are other ways you can spice up your life, or even your relationship aside from that

but like NEL said, eight years is a long time to wait, and as arbitrary or even inaccurate as that might be, you do have to make a decision; is it going to be harder to leave him and put your energy into finding someone who also wants to get married young, or to wait it out with him, for a completely unknown length of time? i know that a lot of bitterness and resentment (as ugly as it is to admit) can come from waiting, but i know that in my case, it was all forgotten by the time we said our vows. sure it sucked waiting (REALLY sucked) but those feelings are barely remembered a year and a half later. and of course, it was absolutely worth the wait.

good luck! i hope you are able to find some peace in the midst of all this!

 

[happydreams]

Right on Deco. Very very true.

 

[HopeDream]

Hi Lexychoo,

I''m glad you are so in touch with your dreams and goals for your life. Taking responibility for your own happieness is one of the most empowering things you can do and will surely lead to sucess.

The LIW boards are a great place for the sisterhood of waiting , but it does tend to give an unbiasedly female perspective on things.

On the proposals forum, there are a few more guys around to give their perspective on the whole engagement thread.

One subtle under-current I''ve noticed when lurking there is the "I rushed things/ wasn''t ready/ didn''t realy want to get ingaged during my first proposal (to the firest fiance/wife) but since then we''ve broken up/ divorced, I''ve found the love of my life, and I want to do it right this time" sentiment and that''s what brings them here to get ther perfect ring for their perfect match. this is not usualy the case - but maybe 1-5% of the time it is.

If you get married now what are the risks of it tuning out to be your "starter marriage"?

I can tell you care deeply about your boyfriend, and that you may want to feel some progress is being made in your relationship.

Maybe he could get you some sort of finger warmer to tide you over, perhaps a nice eternity band with tiny tiny diamonds, or another reminder of his love - like a promise ring, and some sort of agreement to talk about it again in a year or two.

There are ways of marking progress in a relationship that are different milestones than the big two (e.g. a shared checking account for bills and rent, moving in together, buying a nice bed together, taking an awesome vacation together etc.).

Don''t worry Lexychoo, we''re here for you !

HD

 

[sweetliloldme]

let me first start off by saying that i dont''t think that 22 is too young to get married. having said that i don''t think that there is a "right age" because everyone is different. when you''re ready, you know it and it doesn''t matter how old you are.

second, boys (im going to say boys and not men because they act like boys sometimes) develop sooo much slower than women do. how old is your SO. if your both around the same age, chances are that you aren''t on the same maturity level. he probably has the mindset of a teenager.

(all guys are different tho.) most guys don''t know what they want until after their 20''s, which is why im guessing that he said 30. he''s not ready to settle down, and you are..trust me i know the drama that goes along with that. your not wrong for wanting what you want, but sometimes you won''t always get it. hope this helps!

 

[MonkeyPants]

Date: 4/30/2009 11:50:44 AM
Author: decodelighted

Date: 4/30/2009 11:34:24 AM

I''m going to share a secret with you. 22, 23 ... those are really hard ages. Many folks are just leaving organized schooling & staring for the first time out at the big, wide abyss of life. There''s a lot of uncertainty and a HUGE URGE to seek ''the next step''. To feel that addictive surge of *progress* that you''ve been used to your whole life. Grades. Steps. Levels. Tests. etc. Transition from college to life is H-A-R-D. Things don''t work the same way. There''s not as much organized approval & no easy to follow path. Think about this a bit. Decide if your feeling ''ready'' for marriage is less about actually being emotionally and financially ready for adult partnership & more about wanting the relief of *progress*. A tick mark toward what you expect for your life. The fact that you''re not really acknowledging/honoring your boyfriend''s LACK of ''readiness'' makes me think its not about ''partnership'' ... but about getting what you want for your own sense of security/progress/milestone etc. Don''t poo-poo his very real hesitation. You''re not any more right than he is. And its not a good enough reason to do something just because you can''t think of reasons NOT to do it.


Slow down. Tolerate the discomfort. Realize its a tough transition period that won''t be solved by getting your way. ENJOY THE CLIMB.

Decodelighted, thank you for mentioning all of the above! I am 23 going on 24 this year and it''s been rough since I graduated from college. What you said about seeking progress is absolutely true. My FF (who is 16 years my senior and in a more stable place in life than myself) and I have been looking at rings and talking marriage for awhile now. Just yesterday I started thinking, "maybe I want to get married for the wrong reasons (ie. progress, tick marks, etc.)" When I told my FF that I was having doubts he was thrown off guard. He said, "Can you return an engagement ring?" which totally threw ME off! I didn''t even know he bought one! He then said, "Doesn''t matter. I''m asking you anyway. When I do, you tell me yes or no." We talked a lot more about what I was feeling and concluded that I am in love with him and and I am emotionally ready to get married (phew! The night didn''t end in drama or a breakup or a fight).

The point of my rant is that yes, it is completely true that many female 20-somethings do get married because it seems like the "next step" at a time when you''re feeling the most insecure about life, but being in your early 20''s doesn''t necessarily mean you''re not ready. I strongly agree that if you''re thinking about marriage in your 20''s you really have to take a good look at your reasons and analyze them carefully.

 

[Haven]

MonkeyPants--LOVE your signature quote!

 

[MonkeyPants]

Date: 5/1/2009 7:39:47 PM
Author: Haven
MonkeyPants--LOVE your signature quote!

Likewise! ELF is one of the greatest movies ever!

 

[SarahLovesJS]

Hello Lexy!

Sorry for the length of my post, it ended up kind of long. Just wanted to say first off, along with the others, thanks for clarifying about the proposal story..I remember how frustrating it was to wait.

Second, I agree with most of the advice here. I agree 100% that looking for the "next step" "next milestone" or even a next challenge in life is not a good reason to get engaged and married. The point is not to look for the next step or challenge, it''s for both of you to be ready for the next step and the challenges that come with it. Moreover, I also agree that it sounds like your BF is definitely not ready...so you''ll just have to think long and hard and if you''re truly committed to him you''ll wait until he is (within reason of course..some men will never be ready, but I don''t believe you two have reached that point yet from your posts although I could be wrong). I am also 22, and I am getting married in June (contrary to a lot of the advice here, lol

), but I am not doing it for the reasons you stated. FI and I both have other milestones we hope to achieve (I am attending law school starting in the fall and he hopes to go back to grad school) and we plan to support each other through those milestones. It''s not going to be easy (especially while I am in law school), but we''re going to continue to grow together and have a dynamic, changing relationship. I am so excited about continuing to grow with him and I''m up for the challenges we will face together and I know he is, too. Marriage isn''t really so much a milestone or the "next step" for me...it''s more about solidifying our commitment to each other in the eyes of God, our families, and the law and living the rest of our lives together as husband and wife. Does that make sense? We are each others partners, support, rocks, friends, etc. It''s kind of hard to explain...I just don''t necessarily see it as a "goal" in the same way as graduating from college was for me - that was my personal goal. This is starting our life together as husband and wife. We both feel like we''re ready for marriage, as for the engagement we became ready around the same time..but I was ready a bit earlier than him. I made sure to back off though when I felt like I was ready because I didn''t want to push him into asking me to marry him if that makes sense, forcing him to propose to me was not the way I wanted a proposal. I asked him to let me know when we was ready, after all we''re young (just like you two) and had plenty of time and he did let me know when he was ready and we got engaged last year. So when you''re both ready, you''ll know. Some may criticize us for our choice to get married so young, but that''s fine, they have a right to their opinion. The same goes for you: ultimately we can give you advice based on our own experiences, but only the two of you will know when you''re most definitely ready and only the two of you can reach the decision to spend the rest of your lives together come what may. Anyway, wishing you the best of luck...like I said looks like you''ve received some great advice.