Boyfriend thinks we''re too young for marriage

[lexychoo]

It seems like I''ve been waiting to get married for years. I always wanted to get married young because that''s how my parents got married, as well as most people in my family. I just think having kids at 30 seems so old. But my boyfriend, even though we''ve been dating for three years (I''m 22, by the way), tells me he loves me but wants to wait until we''re 30. I think it''s stupid to put a date on marriage. If we''re both ready, I think we should just do it now. But he says I''m way to caught up on getting married young, but I disagree. Yes, I would like to marry young, but I already found the love of my life, so...why should I wait? It''s so frustrating! Part of me (the part that''s in extreme denial) thinks he''s secretly shopping for an engagement ring for me and will surprise me. But I know what the reality is. Do any of you think it''s stupid to get married young? I''m still waiting and hoping he''ll pop the question.

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 4/29/2009 4:27:05 PM
Author:lexychoo
It seems like I''ve been waiting to get married for years. I always wanted to get married young because that''s how my parents got married, as well as most people in my family. I just think having kids at 30 seems so old. But my boyfriend, even though we''ve been dating for three years (I''m 22, by the way), tells me he loves me but wants to wait until we''re 30. I think it''s stupid to put a date on marriage. If we''re both ready, I think we should just do it now. But he says I''m way to caught up on getting married young, but I disagree. Yes, I would like to marry young, but I already found the love of my life, so...why should I wait? It''s so frustrating! Part of me (the part that''s in extreme denial) thinks he''s secretly shopping for an engagement ring for me and will surprise me. But I know what the reality is. Do any of you think it''s stupid to get married young? I''m still waiting and hoping he''ll pop the question.

Thanks a lot! Believe me, 30 won''t seem so old when you''re almost there.

On to your question...

Is it stupid to get married young? No. However, I know who I was dating at 22, and believe me... YIKES. I cant imagine how awful my life would be if I had stayed with him. You change a lot from 19 to 22 to 25 and to 30. A lot more than you might think.

Marriage is the right choice when two people are ready. Your BF is saying he''s not ready, and no, that''s not stupid. You''re ready, and no that''s not stupid. The reality is that you''re not on the same timeline (assuming he''s not just throwing you off) so you have to decide if he''s really right for you. Are you willing to wait 8 more years to get married? Or are you ready to leave him and find someone who wants to marry you now?

There''s no one right answer. You just have to take what your BF says as truth, and make your decision based on what is best for you.

 

[NewEnglandLady]

Whether it''s too young or not is irrelevant, so long as you''ve both thought this through and come to your decisions about when you want to marry based on things that are most important to you. If it''s what you want, then you need to find a man who is willing to get married at a younger age. It''s your right to want to get married now and it''s his right to want to wait until he''s 30, however it means you are both in the wrong relationship.

 

[tlh]

Date: 4/29/2009 4:31:58 PM
Author: elledizzy5

Date: 4/29/2009 4:27:05 PM
Author:lexychoo
It seems like I''ve been waiting to get married for years. I always wanted to get married young because that''s how my parents got married, as well as most people in my family. I just think having kids at 30 seems so old. But my boyfriend, even though we''ve been dating for three years (I''m 22, by the way), tells me he loves me but wants to wait until we''re 30. I think it''s stupid to put a date on marriage. If we''re both ready, I think we should just do it now. But he says I''m way to caught up on getting married young, but I disagree. Yes, I would like to marry young, but I already found the love of my life, so...why should I wait? It''s so frustrating! Part of me (the part that''s in extreme denial) thinks he''s secretly shopping for an engagement ring for me and will surprise me. But I know what the reality is. Do any of you think it''s stupid to get married young? I''m still waiting and hoping he''ll pop the question.

Thanks a lot! Believe me, 30 won''t seem so old when you''re almost there.

On to your question...

Is it stupid to get married young? No. However, I know who I was dating at 22, and believe me... YIKES. I cant imagine how awful my life would be if I had stayed with him. You change a lot from 19 to 22 to 25 and to 30. A lot more than you might think.

Marriage is the right choice when two people are ready. Your BF is saying he''s not ready, and no, that''s not stupid. You''re ready, and no that''s not stupid. The reality is that you''re not on the same timeline (assuming he''s not just throwing you off) so you have to decide if he''s really right for you. Are you willing to wait 8 more years to get married? Or are you ready to leave him and find someone who wants to marry you now?

There''s no one right answer. You just have to take what your BF says as truth, and make your decision based on what is best for you.

yup, everything she said.

 

[fieryred33143]

Date: 4/29/2009 4:27:05 PM
Author:lexychoo
If we''re both ready, I think we should just do it now.

But you both aren''t ready so...

It doesn''t matter your age or his. He doesn''t want to get married now. He isn''t ready. Maybe he''s using age as an excuse instead of saying that he isn''t ready...maybe not. But either way, the marriage bug has not hit him and probably won''t for a while.

 

[Izzy03]

Hmmm.... I have a feeling this topic may stir up some ill feelings for people. I''ll try to be a politically correct as I can.

Everyone has their own limits. In some cases 22 can be very young to marry. In other cases it may not be. Personally I feel that 25-26 is too young for most men to marry but not most women. It does sound like in this case your boyfriend is much too young to marry, and he is clearly telling you so.

I won''t talk about all that age vs. divorce rates crap because I think it really is a crap shoot.

You need some time to think to yourself and talk to your boyfriend to decide if you want the same things in life. I think it is too soon for you to make any big decisions about your relationship, but having a personal deadline would not be unreasonable. For example, if you decide that being engaged by the time you are 25 is the longest you are willing to compromise, you need to be clear about that. Because marriage is all about compromise.

Maybe after college and starting a career things will change for you boyfriend, perhaps all of a sudden he will decide he is ready to be married. I certainly married slightly younger than I ever thought I would! Try not be be too anxious and enjoy your life as a girlfriend a little longer! LIWitis is going to hit hard, especially when you start hearing about all your highschool classmates that are getting married and having babies. Thats where pricescope comes in!

 

[purselover]

Do you think there might be other reasons going on, such as he wants to be settled into his career, he thinks you should live together first etc? I think it''s odd that the only reason he wouldn''t want to get married is age. I would ask him what he thinks will change between now and 30 that would make you better suited to get married.

 

[FroggyMont]

I am going to have to agree with everything that elledizzy5 said.

First, I just have to say that I am 30, and I don''t think that I am too old to still have kids!! heck I probably be 33 or 34 before I even have my first, but I don''t think that there is anything wrong with that!

Second, You can''t force someone into a marriage when they aren''t ready. Believe me, I have had friends that have and all have sadly ended in divorce. He is telling you that he isn''t ready. You are only 22, and yes, while you have found the one that you want to spend the rest of your life with, and you think why wait. Well why not? So pushing him into doing something that he isn''t ready for, either by keeping mentioning it or talking him into getting married, isn''t going to get you anyway, other then taking the risk of losing him. And I am sure that is the last thing that you want to happen.

 

[musey]

Date: 4/29/2009 4:34:05 PM
Author: NewEnglandLady
Whether it's too young or not is irrelevant, so long as you've both thought this through and come to your decisions about when you want to marry based on things that are most important to you. If it's what you want, then you need to find a man who is willing to get married at a younger age. It's your right to want to get married now and it's his right to want to wait until he's 30, however it means you are both in the wrong relationship.

Exactly.

You don't think you're too young, but your boyfriend does. Case closed. He's not ready, and it's not up to you to force him into marrying sooner than he feels ready to.

If you're "still waiting and hoping he'll pop the question," you are setting yourself up for disappointment. Unless he's joking with you or trying to throw you off the scent (in which case you've miscommunicated the seriousness of these conversations to us), you're going to be "waiting" for quite awhile. Are you okay with that?


To answer your question, no I don't think you are automatically too young to get married just because your birth certificate says you're 22 (that would be pretty hypocritical of me, as I got engaged at 22 and married at 23, to a man I met when we were both 19), but that's neither here nor there. You can find whatever kind of reassurance you're looking for somewhere, even if it's that 16 is not too young or that 30 is too young. Everyone has an opinion somewhere in that spectrum. This issue is about you and him and your relationship, not the opinions of strangers.

 

[sunnyd]

Ditto elle and NEL. If you''re focused on getting married young, then you need to find someone who will neet that need. But if you know that your BF is who you want to be with, then you need to respect the fact that he''s not ready yet. If you haven''t already, have a talk. Why do you want to be married now? Ask him why he needs to be 30?

 

[Dreamgirl]

Ditto to elle!

When I was much younger, I used to think I would be married by AT LEAST 23 with kids by 27. But that was before I realized what myself and FF wanted first before marriage ie. school, careers, money. I'm still with the same guy (by the way, we've been together since '98 and I've always known he is the "one" for me) and I will be 28 come July. So 30 is staring me right in the face. And really, 30 isn't OLD! Trust me, time flies and life changes A LOT in that time period. We want to get married, we are certain of that, but we are waiting for the right time when we both feel ready (which is probably around 30).

I honestly don't think age matters but I sometimes wonder if marrying young is a mistake because you are so young. Sometimes it works out when couples get married young, sometimes it doesn't. It all comes down to if you both feel ready and what your priorities are. How badly you want this at this stage in your life. Do you just want to be married NOW just for the sake that your parents were married young? Or is it that you want to marry this guy at this very moment with all other things set aside?

If you feel that he is the right guy, you've got to wait until the time is right for the both of you...who knows, maybe a few years down the road he will feel ready. Good things come to those who wait...

 

[sammyj]

Date: 4/29/2009 4:27:05 PM
Author:lexychoo
It seems like I''ve been waiting to get married for years. I always wanted to get married young because that''s how my parents got married, as well as most people in my family. I just think having kids at 30 seems so old. But my boyfriend, even though we''ve been dating for three years (I''m 22, by the way), tells me he loves me but wants to wait until we''re 30. I think it''s stupid to put a date on marriage. If we''re both ready, I think we should just do it now. But he says I''m way to caught up on getting married young, but I disagree. Yes, I would like to marry young, but I already found the love of my life, so...why should I wait? It''s so frustrating! Part of me (the part that''s in extreme denial) thinks he''s secretly shopping for an engagement ring for me and will surprise me. But I know what the reality is. Do any of you think it''s stupid to get married young? I''m still waiting and hoping he''ll pop the question.

Aren''t you putting that same ''date on marriage'' by insisting that you get married young?

I have to agree with everyone when they say that age has nothing to do with whether or not you''re ready to get married, but it has to do with the two of you wanting the same things and being on the same timeline.

Once upon a time my FI didn''t want to be married until 30 either but we are getting married next year at the ripe ol'' age of 28 (both of us). Hopefully when we have kids (around the age of 30) we''ll be able to take care of them with our bifocals and walkers

.

 

[musey]

Date: 4/29/2009 5:22:17 PM
Author: Dreamgirl
I honestly don''t think age matters but I sometimes wonder if marrying young is a mistake because you are so young. Sometimes it works out when couples get married young, sometimes it doesn''t.

Sometimes it works out when couples get married at 30+, sometimes it doesn''t.

For that matter, sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn''t when couples are together for more than a few months before marrying, sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn''t when couples are together for more than five years before marrying.

People need to make decisions based upon what they want and what feels ''right'' for them, and not based upon what works/doesn''t work for others (stats). Sometimes it''s a mistake to get married under certain circumstances, but it''s ALWAYS a mistake to make such a big decision as married based simply upon other peoples'' experiences.

 

[bee*]

Date: 4/29/2009 4:57:35 PM
Author: sunnyd
Ditto elle and NEL. If you''re focused on getting married young, then you need to find someone who will neet that need. But if you know that your BF is who you want to be with, then you need to respect the fact that he''s not ready yet. If you haven''t already, have a talk. Why do you want to be married now? Ask him why he needs to be 30?

ditto. It''s fine to get married young if you both want it, but he doesn''t.

 

[Haven]

I agree with the other posters--whether or not you''re too young is a moot point because your boyfriend believes he is too young.

You ask why wait, I ask: why rush? To put artificially imposed deadlines on your life (e.g. Must have children before age 30) does seem like an overly simplified way to look at life, and it does sound like a "young" thing to say. If you rush into marriage and children because of your age, you are doing yourselves and your children a disservice. You should have children because you are ready and prepared for them, period.

Do *I* think you''re too young? Yes, I do. But that doesn''t matter. If both of you think you''re ready, then you''re ready. If even one of you thinks you are not ready, then you''re not. Marriage must be consented to by both parties.

If you really love this young man, and you want to stay with him, do. I''d advise you against coercing him into proposing or marrying before he''s ready, because *that* is just a recipe for disaster.

If you just want to get married, and that''s all that matters, then this particular person is probably not the man for the job.

Good luck!

 

[White Orchid]

Let me start off by saying that I never thought I''d marry young, but fate always does its own thing and I got married at 22.

Now there are a lot of reasons to marry young. Maybe you want to be the first of your friends to get married, maybe your friends are all getting married and you feel left out, maybe you''re scared of being left alone and lonely.

Those are all bad reasons to get married.

You need to do a lot of soul-searching to see what your unconscious motives are. Don''t try to rush a wedding because you think you can. If your boyfriend is serious about wanting to wait to get married, listen to him - enjoy being young and in love. Don''t rush your life, it goes too quickly!!

 

[Dreamgirl]

Date: 4/29/2009 5:31:22 PM
Author: musey

Date: 4/29/2009 5:22:17 PM
Author: Dreamgirl
I honestly don''t think age matters but I sometimes wonder if marrying young is a mistake because you are so young. Sometimes it works out when couples get married young, sometimes it doesn''t.

Sometimes it works out when couples get married at 30+, sometimes it doesn''t.

For that matter, sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn''t when couples are together for more than a few months before marrying, sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn''t when couples are together for more than five years before marrying.

Yep! It depends on each couple and each situation...

 

[ms.halo]

I echo what elle and musey and others said and also:

Compromise is a really important part of marriage, and if your BF says he's not ready, there' really no way to rush him into it. Why don't you compromise and say you'll start talking about marriage again at 25 and see where you both are at. He may not be ready at 22, but maybe 27 will seem just right by the time he's there.

 

[KatM]

my immediate reaction, without knowing anything further about you or your bf, is that he wants to wait until he''s 30 for the same reason that you don''t want to wait until 30...30 sounds old. If he''s given no specific reason for waiting until that age, then there''s a good chance that he won''t be ready by 30 (maybe he''ll be ready earlier, maybe later. 30 likely is pretty arbitrary).

Like everyone else said, you are completely within your rights to want to be married much sooner but that means finding someone else. My Bf at 22 was a completely different person than he is at 26. At 22, even the mention of the word marriage would have sent him into an anxiety attack. You don''t know what he''ll be like in a couple of years, he doesn''t even know what he''ll be like in a few years. If you feel he is worth the wait, then I would encourage you to hang in there and see what happens. It''s actually been pretty cool to watch my bf evolve.

 

[Pandora II]

Date: 4/29/2009 4:31:58 PM
Author: elledizzy5

Date: 4/29/2009 4:27:05 PM
Author:lexychoo
It seems like I've been waiting to get married for years. I always wanted to get married young because that's how my parents got married, as well as most people in my family. I just think having kids at 30 seems so old. But my boyfriend, even though we've been dating for three years (I'm 22, by the way), tells me he loves me but wants to wait until we're 30. I think it's stupid to put a date on marriage. If we're both ready, I think we should just do it now. But he says I'm way to caught up on getting married young, but I disagree. Yes, I would like to marry young, but I already found the love of my life, so...why should I wait? It's so frustrating! Part of me (the part that's in extreme denial) thinks he's secretly shopping for an engagement ring for me and will surprise me. But I know what the reality is. Do any of you think it's stupid to get married young? I'm still waiting and hoping he'll pop the question.

Thanks a lot! Believe me, 30 won't seem so old when you're almost there.

On to your question...

Is it stupid to get married young? No. However, I know who I was dating at 22, and believe me... YIKES. I cant imagine how awful my life would be if I had stayed with him. You change a lot from 19 to 22 to 25 and to 30. A lot more than you might think.

Marriage is the right choice when two people are ready. Your BF is saying he's not ready, and no, that's not stupid. You're ready, and no that's not stupid. The reality is that you're not on the same timeline (assuming he's not just throwing you off) so you have to decide if he's really right for you. Are you willing to wait 8 more years to get married? Or are you ready to leave him and find someone who wants to marry you now?

There's no one right answer. You just have to take what your BF says as truth, and make your decision based on what is best for you.

Ditto!

For what it's worth, I'll be 37 in August, DH and I got married last July (first marriage for both at 35 and 33) and our first child is due in just under 3 weeks time!

I still feel as young as I did in my early 20's - I just have financial stability, hopefully a bit more judgement (well, way more looking at the guys I was dating back then) and certainly neither of us feel like we will be OLD parents. Maybe it's my peer-group that makes a difference - we're all mid-30's, about half are married/engaged and 3 of us are pg with our first kids! I still panic at the thought I might actually have to grow up and act responsible soon and that the hospital are really going to let me loose with a small person to look after...

As to whether marriages are better if you are young v if you are older... it's not really an issue here. Your BF has told you how he feels and you'll just need to accept that and either carry on enjoying the relationship as it is or find someone who wants what you do in your time-frame.

Be grateful that he is being honest with you and not just telling you what you want to hear.

A lot of guys don't want marriage until they have their ducks in a row - certainly my DH had no interest in dating THE ONE until he felt he was at the right stage in his life, ditto for my brother, DH's 3 brothers and most other guys I know. To be honest it's something to be admired - it shows they take the responsibility of a family seriously. And my gawd do kids cost a bomb - even before they're born!

 

[freudianflip]

lexy darling-

with respect, the element of your post that really magnifies how young you are is the fact that 30 seems "so old" to you

what part of the country do you live in? in most urban areas, especially on the east and west coasts of the US, most folks wait until late 20''s/ early-mid 30''s to marry. I''m 32 and none of my married friends even have kids yet. My coworker is on her first pregnancy and she''s 37. however, I know that in other areas, it''s the norm for people to marry and start families at much younger ages than this. I''m guessing the conventions in your area are influencing your wish to marry young, at least in part.

re: your BF, my advice is this. when a man says he''s not ready, and doesn''t expect to be for a while, you are acting in your own best interests to believe him. That doesn''t mean you have to leave the relationship, it just means you need to settle in for a long wait and try to be ok with that. I''m speaking from experience. good luck

 

[princesss]

He''s telling you he''s not ready.

Listen.

What you do with that information is up to you. Wait indefinitely, wait for a while, just leave and find somebody on the same page re: marriage age, whatever. But you''ve got the facts, do with them what you will. Just don''t delude yourself into thinking that maybe it won''t take that long. He''s being honest with you, and I think you need to respect yourself and him enough to listen.

 

[purrfectpear]

I''m confused. On April 1, 2009 you posted that you were already engaged

https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/tell-us-about-your-proposal.71812/page-2

 

[Lauren8211]

Date: 4/29/2009 7:48:51 PM
Author: purrfectpear
I''m confused. On April 1, 2009 you posted that you were already engaged

https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/tell-us-about-your-proposal.71812/page-2

WTF?

 

[princesss]

Date: 4/29/2009 7:55:00 PM
Author: elledizzy5

Date: 4/29/2009 7:48:51 PM

Author: purrfectpear

I''m confused. On April 1, 2009 you posted that you were already engaged

https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/tell-us-about-your-proposal.71812/page-2

WTF?

April Fool''s joke?

 

[IloveAsschers13]

Date: 4/29/2009 7:56:31 PM
Author: princesss

Date: 4/29/2009 7:55:00 PM

Author: elledizzy5

Date: 4/29/2009 7:48:51 PM


Author: purrfectpear


I'm confused. On April 1, 2009 you posted that you were already engaged

https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/tell-us-about-your-proposal.71812/page-2

WTF?

April Fool's joke?

How bizarre? SHe might be engaged- but he wants to wait 7-8 years?

I wanted to ditto Elle and princess- I think it helps to listen, but it also helps if he listens... For ex. my BF didn't want to be married for a while- till we were 27ish. But I told him my reasons for wanting to marry around 23-24 and he agreed. Maybe having more a reason then "my parents did it, and I just really want to" might be more persuasive.

 

[trillionaire]

RE: the chex mix proposal, are you saying he proposed but wants to be engaged for 8 more years???

That would qualify as excessive. You should get on the same page with him, or return the ring and tell him to propose when he is ready to get married!


ANYway, I'm judgmental, so I will just say that I think that 22 is far too young to get married, and that I have never met a 22 year old that I have felt was mature enough to get married. With that being said, I am 26 and still don't think anyone I know is mature enough to get get married!

(MYSELF included! haha) Waiting isn't a bad thing, unless it drives you crazy. It is amazing and wonderful how much you change in your 20's! It is certainly a time to enjoy!!! If you have already found "The One", how lovely to be able to travel and take girl trips and weekends, to develop yourself and your interests and never having to worry about finding a partner! You are lucky. After all, once you are married, you have the rest of your life to be married.

ETA: the thread title does say BF, not FI, so yeah, I'm lost on that whole thing...

 

[Haven]

Date: 4/29/2009 7:48:51 PM
Author: purrfectpear
I''m confused. On April 1, 2009 you posted that you were already engaged

https://www.pricescope.com/community/threads/tell-us-about-your-proposal.71812/page-2

Seriously? In the OP you said you keep hoping he''ll pop the question, but it looks like he already did according to your other post.
Are we talking about a seven year engagement here?

 

[Lauren8211]

She said she found the ring in the original post, and in this post she said she''s secretly hoping he''s planning to buy one.

Whew. That was fun!

 

[Bia]

maybe she forgot?