behind every man...

[CNOS128]

Date: 12/22/2009 6:50:27 PM
Author: mimzy

we just had this discussion today at work! the ladies that i work with seemed appalled that i didn''t do the shopping for DH''s family....but it''s like, he doesn''t buy presents for my family, why should i be expected to buy for his?

besides, I''ve got my hands full for buying for nine siblings/inlaws, four parents, grandparents, cousins and friends/work people, i think he can handle picking out gifts for four people! Unless one of us has a really good idea for someone, which we will always offer up if that''s the case, our families are our own responsibility (no matter how much DH pleads that I pick them out

).

it''s so unfair that you get blamed bigT - have you talked to your husband about how much you resent it? like, how would he feel if the roles were reversed?

Actually, I did talk to my husband (unfortunately, it was after I was upset). HE is not the one who expects me to get the gifts, but he''d be just as happy not to provide gifts at all. When you''re the oldest son in the family and you can do no wrong in your mother''s eyes, that is a much easier position to take than when you''re the lowly DIL/SIL!
We''re Jewish, and Chanukah this year coincided with my law school finals, so my time/resources were extremely limited. Because my family tends to be more understanding than his, I knew they wouldn''t mind getting gifts a little late. So I focused on getting stuff for DH''s family at the expense of getting gifts on time for mine. I felt awful, even though my family didn''t mind, and I told DH that I thought it was massively unfair that I was expected to get his family gifts simply because I''m the female half of our relationship.
Anyway, DH was totally taken aback; he didn''t realize that his mother (a self-proclaimed feminist, no less) had been putting pressure on me to be the gift buyer (And the thank-you note write, by the way. She was shocked - SHOCKED! - that we split note writing after our wedding.). She would get on the phone with me and literally give me lists of things I could get for people - totally unsolicited. Anyway, DH said that I don''t need to do anything just because his mom wants me to, and that if I feel like we need to do something for his family, I should just tell him and he will take care of it.

It''s a sweet offer, and I will take him up on it, but I''m sure I will be held accountable if gifts don''t come on time. I might be okay with that, though. My new year''s resolution is not to deal with other people''s drama anymore.

This year I still sent DH''s niece a gift, in spite of the fact that his SIL (niece''s mother) told me her daughter doesn''t need any more "stuff," but that while I''m generous with gifts I''m not generous enough with my TIME, and her TWO YEAR OLD daughter would much rather have a phone call or a nice note than the toys and books I get her. She actually told me that I can''t demonstrate my love for other people by the material things I can get them. As if she was trying to teach me better values. Because I''m sooo materialistic. (Um, but my MIL provided me with a list of stuff I should be choosing from to get for the niece... I can''t win! I decided it was better to try to please MIL than crazy SIL).
Anyway, that made me furious.

I told DH if I had to get his niece or SIL another gift, I would be donating money to a charity of my choice, in their names.

Sorry for venting. This has been eating away at me lately...

 

[charbie]

Date: 12/22/2009 8:37:26 PM
Author: thing2of2

Date: 12/22/2009 5:01:52 PM
Author: mimzy
i might go a little overboard in the other direction out of fear into falling into some sort of wife-trip - if my husband''s shirt is wrinkly - he''s ironing it; if he''s got a potluck, he''s baking brownies; if his family is coming to visit, he''s cleaning the house. of course I never refuse to help him if he needs it, and we usually tackle these things together, but i never consider these things my responsibility nor do i take them on voluntarily to make us look better as a whole. at this point in my life and in my marriage i am more concerned with making sure that DH is an equal partner in these types of domestic tasks and that at no point does he look to me to do something that he is capable of doing himself just because i am the wife. and yes, he has definitely left the house wrinkly and his parents have been welcomed to a messy home, but, well, c''est la vie! it might sound harsh, but i just don''t consider it my problem, and if people are going to judge me for it, then oh well!

Ditto every word. Plus I really don''t care about impressing the outside world!

And honestly, does someone really think less of a person for bringing chips to a potluck? Because I don''t cook so I usually bring chips and salsa to potlucks! It''s this really good Whole Foods salsa and my coworkers RAVE about it every time I bring it. One of them called me the day before Thanksgiving asking where in Whole Foods to find it because she wanted to bring it to her Thanksgiving dinner!

i honestly wish i could be more like this. trust me, there have been PLENTY of times that my husband has worn wrinkled shirts, pants, etc., and i''ve done nothing about it. however, as much as i wish that i did, i do care about how others perceive both my husband and myself, and feel very self conscious about being judged by others. i''m a very strong, independent person, but i don''t feel that necessarily has to correlate with having fallen into the trap of worrying what others think about me.

maybe i feel that now that were married, there is social stereotype that we need to come off as more mature, which i relate with being more polished and put together. and as i just stated, i unfortunately fall victim to that.

as for the highlighted section- you have still put some thought and effort into what you bring to the potluck! it all depends on the situation as well- where i work, it seems like everyone brings these amazing dishes (i work with a very diverse staff) and so i just assume others work potlucks are like that.

 

[trillionaire]

I do lots of things for FI, but they are things that I enjoy doing. When his boss gave him a Saturday off of work so that we could celebrate our anniversary, I sent a pan of homemade cinnamon rolls as a ''Thank you''. I often shop for FI (and so do my parents), because we LOVE to shop, and he does not. He gives me his card, and I pick things up for him, but it''s an arrangement that works well for us, not because I am embarrassed by his clothes. I used to fuss a little because all of his clothes were too big, but other than that, he is an adult capable of dressing himself. If he needs to take something for a potluck, or a gift for work, I make suggestions about what appropriate contributions or gifts might be, but I let him make his own decisions. Typically, I''m right

, so he eventually comes around to my way anyway.

Most recently, we moved in together, which was a multi-state move in the middle of the blizzard of 2009. I told him before we started that we need to get trucks early and not wait until the last minute. He didn''t listen, and I didn''t force him. Let''s just say that I''m home with my family and he is still moving things from his place... 5 days later... so next time, when I suggest that we don''t wait until the last minute, and that we hire professional movers, my money is on him agreeing enthusiastically!

I enjoy the process of growing and changing together, and as much as I feel the pressures of impression management, it is much more fulfilling for me to see him grow and change on his own. And if anyone has anything negative to say about FI, I smile lovingly and talk about how great FI is. I don''t need to fix him, I just need to support him and present a unified front.

After all, I''m far from perfect.

 

[Bella_mezzo]

My husband and I just try to look out for each other.

He never buys clothes for himself but is really hard on them and manages to stain or tear EVERYTHING, so I take care of that now. He doesn''t ask or expect me to, but I want to, and he''s thrilled that he doesn''t have to.

I don''t iron...at all...so if I have a mtg he''ll iron my outfit for me. Left to my own devices, I would just go to work wrinkled. He actually wants to iron more of my clothes which is fine with me/bc, well, see above, I don''t iron, and my pants seem to shrink and inch or two when not ironed which is a bad thing b/c my inseam is already right on the edge of regular and tall.

I love to cook so usually I do that, but he''ll make me breakfast (his specialty). And most nights I''m so tired with class/work/homework we just eat sandwiches or he makes us something.

I am a lot more driven and confident than he is at work, but now that he''s working on a career change to something he wants to do he''s taking more initiative too. My job/privilege as his wife is to encourage him

Bottom line, there are things we both want to change about ourselves (and probably each other if we''re honest) but we love each other for who we are, quirks and all, and are both just trying to really learn how to love one another and show that love through the way we care for and live with one another.

 

[Octavia]

Ugh, kind of a sore spot. I''ve always known that I''m the "practical" one in our relationship, but since we got married, DH has been taking it to ridiculous heights. He runs almost everything by me now ("how long do I microwave leftover spaghetti?" or "the vacuum light just came on to say change the bag, should I change the bag now?" or "I know that you said not to put these knives in the dishwasher, does that mean they need to be washed by hand?") and it''s driving me bonkers. He claims it''s because he''s never dealt with any of this stuff before, which is partly true -- he never would have dreamed of eating food at home or having dishes to wash pre-me, and just after we met, he killed his vacuum by never having changed the bag in the 7 years he owned it, even though he rarely used it -- but I hate feeling like the mom, who has to okay everything before it gets done. He''s scared of making stupid mistakes, but doesn''t quite get that I made most of them myself, but a long time ago. He''s gotten better since I told him this, but I don''t think he quite believes that he can do domestic things on his own yet. I guess it''s kind of an opposite scenario to some, though, because he''s the one who initiates, not me.

 

[honey22]

Date: 12/22/2009 10:04:18 AM
Author: Hudson_Hawk

Date: 12/21/2009 11:30:12 PM

Author:charbie

is a better woman

ok, so the point to this post is that now that i''m married, i feel like i need to make sure my husband comes across more polished, or professional or something, because i''m afraid it might reflect poorly on me for ''letting'' him do/get away with certain things. kind of like the parent who would be horrified if they found out their child was the smelly kid at school and they had no idea! make sense?



for example, hubs has a potluck at work wednesday that he told me about on friday. he said he was just planning on stopping at the store to pick up some cookies or a bag of chips. i was horrified and said i would obviously make something for him to bring and contribute. he looked at me kind of funny and said, ''i''ve always just brought cookies from the store.'' i then spent this evening making a nice dessert for him to bring in.



i''ve always known that these ''details'' really don''t phase him. it just really is not in his DNA. he is very scientific, methodical, and anything that might be even remotely ''girly fluff'' just doesn''t interest him in the least.




anyone else experience this at all?? or am i crazy?

Charbie, In this paragraph alone you admitted to wanting to change him AND referring to him as your child. Your husband is an adult, you''re not his mother. My husband is an equal partner in our marriage. No matter how frustrated I get or how lame I think his fashion sense is, I don''t ''teach'' or ''guide'' him, and I sure as hell don''t treat him like a child.

Ditto. This whole thread seems bizarre to me. Getting married shouldn''t change the way you feel about your hubby. When it all comes down to it, it''s just a piece of paper, the man you should treat EXACTLY as you did before you signed on the dotted line.