behind every man...

[charbie]

is a better woman

ok, so the point to this post is that now that i''m married, i feel like i need to make sure my husband comes across more polished, or professional or something, because i''m afraid it might reflect poorly on me for "letting" him do/get away with certain things. kind of like the parent who would be horrified if they found out their child was the smelly kid at school and they had no idea! make sense?

for example, hubs has a potluck at work wednesday that he told me about on friday. he said he was just planning on stopping at the store to pick up some cookies or a bag of chips. i was horrified and said i would obviously make something for him to bring and contribute. he looked at me kind of funny and said, "i''ve always just brought cookies from the store." i then spent this evening making a nice dessert for him to bring in.

i''ve always known that these "details" really don''t phase him. it just really is not in his DNA. he is very scientific, methodical, and anything that might be even remotely "girly fluff" just doesn''t interest him in the least.


anyone else experience this at all?? or am i crazy?

 

[noelwr]

I''m not saying that you''re crazy, but no, I don''t experience this.

I accept him for who he is and the point of marriage wasn''t to change the things about ourselves that might reflect poorly on the other. I think we consciously act in a manner so that we reflect well on each other (and most importantly ourselves).

I think it''s very sweet of you to make him a nice dessert to bring to work, but when guys do that I always think that they asked their wives to do it because they were too lazy to do it themselves. obviously you show that it''s not the case. I think if DH asked me to make him something for the office (I know yours didn''t) I''d tell him to go buy something from the store. to each their own.

I think children are a different story. my MIL always takes full responsibility for DH''s good and bad behaviour. luckily he has very few bad.

 

[Mrs Mitchell]

Not crazy! I felt the same compulsion for the first couple of years. It wears off, or gets changed around a little because real life will get in the way and you''ll get mildly resentful eventually. Well, maybe you won''t but I certainly did. He has a potluck Christmas lunch most years and for me, it went like this -Year 1 - why don''t I make you a bitter chocolate raspberry torte to take? It''s really nice and they''d enjoy it. Year 7- It''s your potluck, cook for it you lazy article, chips are not good.

I did sort of tidy him up a little. I took a lot of his work clothes to the charity shop and replaced them with more polished looking items. Bespoke suits rather than chainstore, some really nice shoes, beautiful handmade shirts and silk ties. Ah, they are all lovely and nice things to shop for.

I think I wasted a lot of time and effort though, because he''s one of these people who will look scruffy in pretty much anything. He looks the same, he just costs more now.

He did the same for me, in his own way. Took over arranging to service my car, any repairs etc on it. I was torn between being annoyed and being pleased not to have to bother anymore. I love working on cars myself, but I hate dealing with the repair shop. He also proof reads and tidies up major pieces of work for me -he has a very good eye and is a good writer.

I think things like this can make you feel like a team, so I wouldn''t worry about being crazy - play to your strengths and enjoy it while it lasts (it might last forever, you never know). If it makes you happy, what''s the harm?

Jen

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

I know I can''t change DH. I know that he''ll always tuck in his tee shirts or wear/do other things that horrify me. That''s the man I fell in love with and married though.

When I can, I do like to take care of him or help him out. It''s not so much about the fear of how others perceive us, it''s because I want him to take pride in having a wife who cares about him. I also love to cook/bake/etc, so any excuse I have to do it, I will. And he''s so often bringing goodies into the office that they''d be peeved if they had a potluck and he brought something from the store vs having me make something. But again, I don''t do this all because it makes him (or us) look good. I do it because I want him to be proud to be married to me and I love to make people happy. If making a pot of chili makes people who are otherwise miserable happy, then great.

 

[Lauren8211]

I''m with you.

I also suddenly feel the urge to cook for parties whenI otherwise would have ran out and bought something last minute. I am deeply embarassed as a wife when the house is not kept.

It''s so ridiculous. We both work the same amount of hours, yet somehow it''s been socially ingrained that I have to keep things clean, and cook?

 

[charbie]

Date: 12/22/2009 7:39:53 AM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
I know I can''t change DH. I know that he''ll always tuck in his tee shirts or wear/do other things that horrify me. That''s the man I fell in love with and married though.

When I can, I do like to take care of him or help him out. It''s not so much about the fear of how others perceive us, it''s because I want him to take pride in having a wife who cares about him. I also love to cook/bake/etc, so any excuse I have to do it, I will. And he''s so often bringing goodies into the office that they''d be peeved if they had a potluck and he brought something from the store vs having me make something. But again, I don''t do this all because it makes him (or us) look good. I do it because I want him to be proud to be married to me and I love to make people happy. If making a pot of chili makes people who are otherwise miserable happy, then great.

I don''t think I''m trying to "change" him...more often I think its "teaching"- his mom is not a very girly girl, and he buys her men''s sports clothing (she is 6'' tall...) for gifts and she loves them, so he''s never really cared about appearances and such. I''m the complete opposite, but its part of what makes us a couple, and part of why we are so perfect together.

I will say I was shocked (and a bit excited) when he told me this year he had asked everyone not to get him any more bengals/OSU stuff since he has more than enough. He asked his mom to get him dress shirts (not as excited for her to pick out his clothes...but its progress).

 

[charbie]

Date: 12/22/2009 6:28:17 AM
Author: Mrs Mitchell
Not crazy! I felt the same compulsion for the first couple of years. It wears off, or gets changed around a little because real life will get in the way and you''ll get mildly resentful eventually. Well, maybe you won''t but I certainly did. He has a potluck Christmas lunch most years and for me, it went like this -Year 1 - why don''t I make you a bitter chocolate raspberry torte to take? It''s really nice and they''d enjoy it. Year 7- It''s your potluck, cook for it you lazy article, chips are not good.

I did sort of tidy him up a little. I took a lot of his work clothes to the charity shop and replaced them with more polished looking items. Bespoke suits rather than chainstore, some really nice shoes, beautiful handmade shirts and silk ties. Ah, they are all lovely and nice things to shop for.

I think I wasted a lot of time and effort though, because he''s one of these people who will look scruffy in pretty much anything. He looks the same, he just costs more now.

He did the same for me, in his own way. Took over arranging to service my car, any repairs etc on it. I was torn between being annoyed and being pleased not to have to bother anymore. I love working on cars myself, but I hate dealing with the repair shop. He also proof reads and tidies up major pieces of work for me -he has a very good eye and is a good writer.

I think things like this can make you feel like a team, so I wouldn''t worry about being crazy - play to your strengths and enjoy it while it lasts (it might last forever, you never know). If it makes you happy, what''s the harm?

Jen

haha!!! that''s exactly what my co-workers were telling me. they said, "just wait...in a few years you''ll be saying, ''make your own *%#@ dessert!''"

thing is, poor guy can do two meals...anything that can be grilled, or rigatoni.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Date: 12/21/2009 11:30:12 PM
Author:charbie
is a better woman

ok, so the point to this post is that now that i''m married, i feel like i need to make sure my husband comes across more polished, or professional or something, because i''m afraid it might reflect poorly on me for ''letting'' him do/get away with certain things. kind of like the parent who would be horrified if they found out their child was the smelly kid at school and they had no idea! make sense?


for example, hubs has a potluck at work wednesday that he told me about on friday. he said he was just planning on stopping at the store to pick up some cookies or a bag of chips. i was horrified and said i would obviously make something for him to bring and contribute. he looked at me kind of funny and said, ''i''ve always just brought cookies from the store.'' i then spent this evening making a nice dessert for him to bring in.


i''ve always known that these ''details'' really don''t phase him. it just really is not in his DNA. he is very scientific, methodical, and anything that might be even remotely ''girly fluff'' just doesn''t interest him in the least.



anyone else experience this at all?? or am i crazy?

Charbie, In this paragraph alone you admitted to wanting to change him AND referring to him as your child. Your husband is an adult, you''re not his mother. My husband is an equal partner in our marriage. No matter how frustrated I get or how lame I think his fashion sense is, I don''t "teach" or "guide" him, and I sure as hell don''t treat him like a child.

 

[Clairitek]

I used to police what DH wore to work when we first moved in together (not married, or even engaged at this point) because I felt like he was making bad choices. We had been slowly replacing the outdated wardrobe he owned with nicer, more stylish items of clothing so I wanted him to wear them. I would even iron his shirts and pants. Now, I just let him wear whatever. I know he works with a bunch of male engineers who probably dress worse than he does. He now leaves the house with clashing shades of blue on or wrinkled shirts on occasion and sometimes he puts together a great outfit. It just doesn''t bother me and I don''t think that his employers really think its a reflection of *me* if he comes in looking a bit off. They know he is his own person and will do what he wants.

The house though. Thats another issue. We keep it clean but when his parents are coming over, I go nuts. They are the cleanest people I know and their house is always SPOTLESS. I do feel that if the house isn''t clean they will sort of blame me. For some reason that old fashioned 50''s housewife mentality takes over when I know his family will be visiting.

When his friends come to visit I kind of go over-board making food for them but I do that for myself, not because I want to make him look good.

So, I guess to answer your question- no, I don''t feel the need to micromanage my husbands life for fear that if I don''t it will reflect poorly on me. I do things for him because thats the kind of person I am, not to improve my image as a wife or the image of our marriage. I only really get nutty about the house when it comes to his family. Other things that involve both of us (parties we host perhaps) I put effort into because I enjoy it.

 

[radiantquest]

I can sort of understand what you mean. My hubby is a scruffy looking type. He likes to have a beard and such. While I do not mind the beard sometimes it looks scraggly. I tell him that it needs cleaned up. I do his haircuts and beard and mustache trimming since he really doesn''t have a hairdo. He complains that he is trying to gorw his beard out and I tell him that I cannot let hm walk around like that because he looks unkept and that his wife isn''t taking good care of him. We then argue about how short to trim the beard and I do what I want and he is always surprised about how much better it looks.

As far as the clothes he wears. I don''t really like them, but he doesn''t look bad. That is his style and I roll with it. Sometimes he will pull his clothes from the closet and I will say "Really?" and then he picks something else and we leave.

I wouldn''t re-do his wardrobe or anything like that and if he wants to wear what he wants when he is without me than that is fine, but when he is with me I would prefer he not wear his Chuck Norris t-shirt.

 

[vespergirl]

Date: 12/22/2009 10:04:18 AM
Author: Hudson_Hawk

Date: 12/21/2009 11:30:12 PM
Author:charbie
is a better woman

ok, so the point to this post is that now that i''m married, i feel like i need to make sure my husband comes across more polished, or professional or something, because i''m afraid it might reflect poorly on me for ''letting'' him do/get away with certain things. kind of like the parent who would be horrified if they found out their child was the smelly kid at school and they had no idea! make sense?


for example, hubs has a potluck at work wednesday that he told me about on friday. he said he was just planning on stopping at the store to pick up some cookies or a bag of chips. i was horrified and said i would obviously make something for him to bring and contribute. he looked at me kind of funny and said, ''i''ve always just brought cookies from the store.'' i then spent this evening making a nice dessert for him to bring in.


i''ve always known that these ''details'' really don''t phase him. it just really is not in his DNA. he is very scientific, methodical, and anything that might be even remotely ''girly fluff'' just doesn''t interest him in the least.



anyone else experience this at all?? or am i crazy?

Charbie, In this paragraph alone you admitted to wanting to change him AND referring to him as your child. Your husband is an adult, you''re not his mother. My husband is an equal partner in our marriage. No matter how frustrated I get or how lame I think his fashion sense is, I don''t ''teach'' or ''guide'' him, and I sure as hell don''t treat him like a child.

I feel the same way as HH does on this one ... my DH would be highly offended if I tried to "teach" or "guide" him - if I didn''t respect him as a responsible, functional adult when we met, I probably wouldn''t have married him. There are things about both of us that annoy each other from time to time, I''m sure, but we respect each other enough not to nitpick.

 

[LilyKat]

I don''t think you''re crazy. I think you''re normal.

I''m not married yet, but my parents have been for 35 years. My father is very much helped out (guided?) by my mother in everything from what he wears, to cooking, to buying gifts for work colleagues. She''s not trying to change or control him, and certainly doesn''t see him as a child. It''s done with love and affection and is an integral part of their married relationship - looking after each other, in their own way.

I think it entirely depends on how you do it, and how it makes your husband feel. If your husband doesn''t mind your actions, and your motivation is to make him happy (by increasing his popularity at work

), then I don''t see what the problem is. Just remember that as an adult he is responsible for his own actions, and his behaviour doesn''t reflect on you in the same way as it does in a parent-child relationship.

 

[charbie]

Date: 12/22/2009 10:04:18 AM
Author: Hudson_Hawk

Date: 12/21/2009 11:30:12 PM
Author:charbie
is a better woman

ok, so the point to this post is that now that i''m married, i feel like i need to make sure my husband comes across more polished, or professional or something, because i''m afraid it might reflect poorly on me for ''letting'' him do/get away with certain things. kind of like the parent who would be horrified if they found out their child was the smelly kid at school and they had no idea! make sense?


for example, hubs has a potluck at work wednesday that he told me about on friday. he said he was just planning on stopping at the store to pick up some cookies or a bag of chips. i was horrified and said i would obviously make something for him to bring and contribute. he looked at me kind of funny and said, ''i''ve always just brought cookies from the store.'' i then spent this evening making a nice dessert for him to bring in.


i''ve always known that these ''details'' really don''t phase him. it just really is not in his DNA. he is very scientific, methodical, and anything that might be even remotely ''girly fluff'' just doesn''t interest him in the least.



anyone else experience this at all?? or am i crazy?

Charbie, In this paragraph alone you admitted to wanting to change him AND referring to him as your child. Your husband is an adult, you''re not his mother. My husband is an equal partner in our marriage. No matter how frustrated I get or how lame I think his fashion sense is, I don''t ''teach'' or ''guide'' him, and I sure as hell don''t treat him like a child.

whoa now. hold on. my husband and i are definitely equals in our relationship. i don''t find anything wrong with helping him make better fashion choices. if he doesn''t accept the help, it doesn''t make me love him any less, and it isn''t like i''m picking out his clothing every time he leaves the house. i fell in love with the man even if he was wearing a brown belt with black shoes. however, if he puts on that brown belt with black shoes, i see no fault to say, "here, put on this black belt." i don''t feel like that is "mothering" my husband, and does not make me view him as a child. i think there is a nurturing instinct in women that kicks in when we love someone.

my example was just an example. not comparing my husband to a kid. i can see now when re-reading it that it may seem that way. i think it has to more to do with us being view "together" now, even as separate people. he is a grown man who can make grown decisions, but that doesn''t mean that others won''t look to me if he makes bad choices.

 

[charbie]

Date: 12/22/2009 11:05:31 AM
Author: LilyKat
I don''t think you''re crazy. I think you''re normal.

I''m not married yet, but my parents have been for 35 years. My father is very much helped out (guided?) by my mother in everything from what he wears, to cooking, to buying gifts for work colleagues. She''s not trying to change or control him, and certainly doesn''t see him as a child. It''s done with love and affection and is an integral part of their married relationship - looking after each other, in their own way.

I think it entirely depends on how you do it, and how it makes your husband feel. If your husband doesn''t mind your actions, and your motivation is to make him happy (by increasing his popularity at work

), then I don''t see what the problem is. Just remember that as an adult he is responsible for his own actions, and his behaviour doesn''t reflect on you in the same way as it does in a parent-child relationship.

you put this very well. this is what i mean. we both do it to one another whether or not we notice it. he "teaches" me things all the time- whether it is about my driving, my lawn mowing...i don''t feel like he "babies" me.

 

[Haven]

I understand what you're saying, Charbie!

For us, it isn't about changing each other, it's more about each of us using strengths that the other doesn't have for the benefit of us both. AND, because we are each able to admit that we have weaknesses, I think we're both becoming stronger because of it.

For example: Professionally, I'm much stronger with networking and marketing than DH, so over the last several years we've worked together to help him network within his industry, and to keep in contact with his old clients. (He owns his own business.) DH has seen a significant change in his client base because of all this, and he's become a trainer within his specialty because the leaders of his industry have noticed his initiative.

On the other hand, DH is really good with training our pup, and it doesn't come as naturally to me, so he models all of the training techniques first, I watch him, and then I do it, myself. I'm becoming a stronger pack leader, and we all benefit because our pup is very well trained as a result.

There are a million little things that we have come together to work on as a team since we've been married. I've never viewed any of it as trying to change each other, but now that I write it out I do suppose that we've both changed for the better by working together on these things. I don't see that as a bad thing, though. We're constantly evolving as we grow, or at least I am, so why not accept the influence of the person I love most help me change for the better?

So, I suppose we are changing each other, but not because we are unhappy with what we see in the other. Rather, it's because we are inspired by what we see in the other, and we aren't too proud to accept the fact that a little bit of influence may result in a positive change.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Of course everyone teaches each other in relationships. I agree that we all have our strengths and weaknesses and we can help our partners in some areas. I just disagree with Charbie wanting to choose her husbands clothes because she feels it reflects badly on her as a woman/wife. My husband doesn''t need to be ''taught'' to dress himself, he knows how to do that fine (as does her husband). It''s not my place to state that his ability isn''t up to my standard and thus re-train him to follow my guidelines. If he''s OK with her doing that, then great. My husband would not be OK with me doing that. He''s his own person and I love him for his individuality, I would never dream to try to change something directly related to that individuality and I expect the same from him. It''s like criticizing someone''s cooking. "Well this sauce is okay, but it would be better if you''d used San Marzano tomatoes" Meanwhile the person spent the whole day slaving over the stove. It''s not teaching, it''s criticism and it''s not even constructive criticism.

 

[Hudson_Hawk]

Date: 12/22/2009 12:10:37 PM
Author: Haven
I understand what you''re saying, Charbie!


For us, it isn''t about changing each other, it''s more about each of us using strengths that the other doesn''t have for the benefit of us both. AND, because we are each able to admit that we have weaknesses, I think we''re both becoming stronger because of it.


For example: Professionally, I''m much stronger with networking and marketing than DH, so over the last several years we''ve worked together to help him network within his industry, and to keep in contact with his old clients. (He owns his own business.) DH has seen a significant change in his client base because of all this, and he''s become a trainer within his specialty because the leaders of his industry have noticed his initiative.


On the other hand, DH is really good with training our pup, and it doesn''t come as naturally to me, so he models all of the training techniques first, I watch him, and then I do it, myself. I''m becoming a stronger pack leader, and we all benefit because our pup is very well trained as a result.


There are a million little things that we have come together to work on as a team since we''ve been married. I''ve never viewed any of it as trying to change each other, but now that I write it out I do suppose that we''ve both changed for the better by working together on these things. I don''t see that as a bad thing, though. We''re constantly evolving as we grow, or at least I am, so why not accept the influence of the person I love most help me change for the better?


So, I suppose we are changing each other, but not because we are unhappy with what we see in the other. Rather, it''s because we are inspired by what we see in the other, and we aren''t too proud to accept the fact that a little bit of influence may result in a positive change.

Ah, but you see, she IS unhappy with what she sees in him.

 

[monarch64]

"Behind every man...is a better woman." The title and opening line of this thread sort of say it all. I saw it last night Charbie, when you first posted and refrained from commenting because I am not a newlywed. However, I also thought your post/overall tone made it sound like now that you''re married you feel like it''s ok to change all the things about your husband that you really don''t like. Might be a rude awakening for him, that''s all.

 

[MonkeyPie]

Helping your husband learn to network is a lot different than thinking he looks like a slob and so you go out and buy him stuff he OBVIOUSLY would never buy himself. My husband and I bring a lot to each other''s plate, and we have learned and grown together because of it. But he lets his beard grow out longer than I would if I were a guy, and he sometimes wears wrinkly shirts. And I have no opinion on that, because it is how he is and he is happiest when he is comfortable in his own clothes and skin - not mine.

 

[charbie]

Date: 12/22/2009 12:18:53 PM
Author: Hudson_Hawk
Of course everyone teaches each other in relationships. I agree that we all have our strengths and weaknesses and we can help our partners in some areas. I just disagree with Charbie wanting to choose her husbands clothes because she feels it reflects badly on her as a woman/wife. My husband doesn't need to be 'taught' to dress himself, he knows how to do that fine (as does her husband). It's not my place to state that his ability isn't up to my standard and thus re-train him to follow my guidelines. If he's OK with her doing that, then great. My husband would not be OK with me doing that. He's his own person and I love him for his individuality, I would never dream to try to change something directly related to that individuality and I expect the same from him. It's like criticizing someone's cooking. 'Well this sauce is okay, but it would be better if you'd used San Marzano tomatoes' Meanwhile the person spent the whole day slaving over the stove. It's not teaching, it's criticism and it's not even constructive criticism.

And see, in our case, I don't believe how my husband dresses is not directly something related to his individuality. I honestly think he just doesn't care. His entire life he's worn a uniform, whether it be school or work. Fashion isn't a big deal to him, mostly because he never has had to think about what he puts on. I doubt he puts something on and thinks, "Wow, I'm really happy with this outfit." He admittedly can't put together an outfit- and I don't see a problem with making sure he presents well.

If I criticized something that was really important to him, then I can see exactly where you're coming from, and you're right. But this is an instance where I don't feel as though he feels emasculated or hurt by my comments. I wouldn't like it if he told me how to cook, he wouldn't like it if I told him how to landscape our lawn.

And to directly contradict what I've already posted- a few weeks after the wedding, my husband chopped all of his hair off. He's getting ready to interview for jobs, and has had longer hair now for a few years, and decided it was time to "grow up" and cut it off. It shocked me at first, I didn't like it as much at first, since I loved his hair long, but he was right- it made him look unprofessional and it would be harder for him to get a job with his big crazy hair. But it didn't make me love him any less when he got rid of it!

ETA: and i now love his shorter hair! and i never told him not to cut it off, how to wear his hair, etc, nor would i, if it was something he felt passionately about (which, he does. he has a special bond with his hair

)

 

[charbie]

Date: 12/22/2009 12:26:31 PM
Author: monarch64
''Behind every man...is a better woman.'' The title and opening line of this thread sort of say it all. I saw it last night Charbie, when you first posted and refrained from commenting because I am not a newlywed. However, I also thought your post/overall tone made it sound like now that you''re married you feel like it''s ok to change all the things about your husband that you really don''t like. Might be a rude awakening for him, that''s all.

you forgot the little

emoticon...i hoped that would show i was speaking a bit tongue in cheek and not being serious about that comment.

 

[sunnyd]

Date: 12/22/2009 1:26:43 PM
Author: charbie

Date: 12/22/2009 12:26:31 PM
Author: monarch64
''Behind every man...is a better woman.'' The title and opening line of this thread sort of say it all. I saw it last night Charbie, when you first posted and refrained from commenting because I am not a newlywed. However, I also thought your post/overall tone made it sound like now that you''re married you feel like it''s ok to change all the things about your husband that you really don''t like. Might be a rude awakening for him, that''s all.

you forgot the little

emoticon...i hoped that would show i was speaking a bit tongue in cheek and not being serious about that comment.

That''s how I interpreted it. Like "a happy wife means a happy life".

DH owns about 30 different shirts, but only wears 3 or 4 of them on a regular basis. If we''re seeing the same people we did the night before (or whatever) I usually have to make sure he''s not wearing the same shirt he did last time we saw them, because he will! He doesn''t care, but his metro friend always gives him crap about the black shirt he is always wearing when he sees him.

 

[monarch64]

Date: 12/22/2009 1:26:43 PM
Author: charbie

Date: 12/22/2009 12:26:31 PM
Author: monarch64
''Behind every man...is a better woman.'' The title and opening line of this thread sort of say it all. I saw it last night Charbie, when you first posted and refrained from commenting because I am not a newlywed. However, I also thought your post/overall tone made it sound like now that you''re married you feel like it''s ok to change all the things about your husband that you really don''t like. Might be a rude awakening for him, that''s all.

you forgot the little

emoticon...i hoped that would show i was speaking a bit tongue in cheek and not being serious about that comment.

Gotcha.

 

[mimzy]

i might go a little overboard in the other direction out of fear into falling into some sort of wife-trip - if my husband's shirt is wrinkly - he's ironing it; if he's got a potluck, he's baking brownies; if his family is coming to visit, he's cleaning the house. of course I never refuse to help him if he needs it, and we usually tackle these things together, but i never consider these things my responsibility nor do i take them on voluntarily to make us look better as a whole. at this point in my life and in my marriage i am more concerned with making sure that DH is an equal partner in these types of domestic tasks and that at no point does he look to me to do something that he is capable of doing himself just because i am the wife. and yes, he has definitely left the house wrinkly and his parents have been welcomed to a messy home, but, well, c'est la vie! it might sound harsh, but i just don't consider it my problem, and if people are going to judge me for it, then oh well!

 

[Smurfysmiles]

Date: 12/22/2009 1:57:48 PM
Author: sunnyd

Date: 12/22/2009 1:26:43 PM

Author: charbie

Date: 12/22/2009 12:26:31 PM

Author: monarch64

''Behind every man...is a better woman.'' The title and opening line of this thread sort of say it all. I saw it last night Charbie, when you first posted and refrained from commenting because I am not a newlywed. However, I also thought your post/overall tone made it sound like now that you''re married you feel like it''s ok to change all the things about your husband that you really don''t like. Might be a rude awakening for him, that''s all.

you forgot the little

emoticon...i hoped that would show i was speaking a bit tongue in cheek and not being serious about that comment.

That''s how I interpreted it. Like ''a happy wife means a happy life''.

DH owns about 30 different shirts, but only wears 3 or 4 of them on a regular basis. If we''re seeing the same people we did the night before (or whatever) I usually have to make sure he''s not wearing the same shirt he did last time we saw them, because he will! He doesn''t care, but his metro friend always gives him crap about the black shirt he is always wearing when he sees him.

Hahahha I have the same problem about the shirts!! I bought him some new ones for Christmas so hopefully that will spice up his wardrobe and he''ll have 8 shirts he wears a lot as opposed to the same 4 or 5 lol

 

[CNOS128]

I''ve uncomfortably found myself in the position of having to buy my DH''s family holiday and birthday gifts from "us." He never really gave them gifts before, but now that he has a wife they expect gifts, and guess who gets blamed if gifts don''t arrive? Me!
I totally resent it. I''m all for independence, even within a relationship. But at the same time I don''t want his family to have any reason not to like me. So, I am in charge of the gifts.

In terms of clothing, etc, DH knows he can''t dress himself, but I would never tell him what to wear unless he asked my opinion. Some horrible woman before me must have scarred him, because when we first started dating he would be getting dressed (just to go see a move or something, not for an event) and he''d always say, "Do you mind if I don''t tuck in my shirt?" "Is it okay if I just wear a t-shirt?" Um, yeah, it''s okay - wear whatever you want. I guess I''m pretty hands-off in that sense.

BUT there are some things he does that I think reflect poorly on HIM, like when he says, "I would have went there..." This is a man with a graduate degree who has won awards for his writing, and yet when he says that he sounds...uneducated. I try to correct him, but mostly because he''s asked me to do so, since he realizes it sounds bad.

 

[mimzy]

Date: 12/22/2009 5:16:15 PM
Author: TheBigT
I''ve uncomfortably found myself in the position of having to buy my DH''s family holiday and birthday gifts from ''us.'' He never really gave them gifts before, but now that he has a wife they expect gifts, and guess who gets blamed if gifts don''t arrive? Me!

I totally resent it. I''m all for independence, even within a relationship. But at the same time I don''t want his family to have any reason not to like me. So, I am in charge of the gifts.


In terms of clothing, etc, DH knows he can''t dress himself, but I would never tell him what to wear unless he asked my opinion. Some horrible woman before me must have scarred him, because when we first started dating he would be getting dressed (just to go see a move or something, not for an event) and he''d always say, ''Do you mind if I don''t tuck in my shirt?'' ''Is it okay if I just wear a t-shirt?'' Um, yeah, it''s okay - wear whatever you want. I guess I''m pretty hands-off in that sense.


BUT there are some things he does that I think reflect poorly on HIM, like when he says, ''I would have went there...'' This is a man with a graduate degree who has won awards for his writing, and yet when he says that he sounds...uneducated. I try to correct him, but mostly because he''s asked me to do so, since he realizes it sounds bad.

we just had this discussion today at work! the ladies that i work with seemed appalled that i didn''t do the shopping for DH''s family....but it''s like, he doesn''t buy presents for my family, why should i be expected to buy for his?

besides, I''ve got my hands full for buying for nine siblings/inlaws, four parents, grandparents, cousins and friends/work people, i think he can handle picking out gifts for four people! Unless one of us has a really good idea for someone, which we will always offer up if that''s the case, our families are our own responsibility (no matter how much DH pleads that I pick them out

).

it''s so unfair that you get blamed bigT - have you talked to your husband about how much you resent it? like, how would he feel if the roles were reversed?

 

[Haven]

HH--Oh, I wasn''t commenting on Charbie''s meaning, I was just posting a response to her post. I didn''t really want to get into the whole agreeing or disagreeing with the way she feels, as I didn''t interpret her post to be asking about whether she was right or wrong to feel that way. I thought she was just looking for a discussion about whether anyone else was experiencing something similar, which I was, and am.

 

[iheartscience]

Date: 12/22/2009 5:01:52 PM
Author: mimzy
i might go a little overboard in the other direction out of fear into falling into some sort of wife-trip - if my husband''s shirt is wrinkly - he''s ironing it; if he''s got a potluck, he''s baking brownies; if his family is coming to visit, he''s cleaning the house. of course I never refuse to help him if he needs it, and we usually tackle these things together, but i never consider these things my responsibility nor do i take them on voluntarily to make us look better as a whole. at this point in my life and in my marriage i am more concerned with making sure that DH is an equal partner in these types of domestic tasks and that at no point does he look to me to do something that he is capable of doing himself just because i am the wife. and yes, he has definitely left the house wrinkly and his parents have been welcomed to a messy home, but, well, c''est la vie! it might sound harsh, but i just don''t consider it my problem, and if people are going to judge me for it, then oh well!

Ditto every word. Plus I really don''t care about impressing the outside world!

And honestly, does someone really think less of a person for bringing chips to a potluck? Because I don''t cook so I usually bring chips and salsa to potlucks! It''s this really good Whole Foods salsa and my coworkers RAVE about it every time I bring it. One of them called me the day before Thanksgiving asking where in Whole Foods to find it because she wanted to bring it to her Thanksgiving dinner!

 

[princesss]

Date: 12/22/2009 5:01:52 PM
Author: mimzy
i might go a little overboard in the other direction out of fear into falling into some sort of wife-trip - if my husband''s shirt is wrinkly - he''s ironing it; if he''s got a potluck, he''s baking brownies; if his family is coming to visit, he''s cleaning the house. of course I never refuse to help him if he needs it, and we usually tackle these things together, but i never consider these things my responsibility nor do i take them on voluntarily to make us look better as a whole. at this point in my life and in my marriage i am more concerned with making sure that DH is an equal partner in these types of domestic tasks and that at no point does he look to me to do something that he is capable of doing himself just because i am the wife. and yes, he has definitely left the house wrinkly and his parents have been welcomed to a messy home, but, well, c''est la vie! it might sound harsh, but i just don''t consider it my problem, and if people are going to judge me for it, then oh well!

I. Love. You.

I think this is fabulous.