Anyone NOT live with their SO?

[meresal]

My dad's side of the family is from Hobart!!!

ETA: They are still in Hobart. I was there in February.

 

[misscuppycake]

I don''t live with my boyfriend and also am waiting for marriage. I''m religious, but my parents are also strict Chinese and would never allow for that anyway. It works out well for me because my parents aren''t religious so normally they don''t agree with my morals but this one makes sense for all of us. My s/o was a bit disappointed when he found out I didn''t even want to move in once I was engaged but it''s something I''m sticking to.

 

[jcarlylew]

Date: 7/21/2008 1:17:22 PM
Author: fuzzers

Date: 7/21/2008 1:10:47 PM
Author: GoingCrazy29
I''ve been with my SO for over 3 years and we have made the choice not to live together until we''re married. We''re both somewhat religious, but it has more to do with the fact that we like the idea of the thrill of finally being able to live together when we''re married (although we do spend LOTS of time together now).

We also don''t want to upset our parents. Both sets would still love us unconditionally, but its more about the respect we both have for our parents. I would rather pay an extra $500 a month on rent than lose any of the respect that my parents have for me.

I think you should do what is best for you and your relationship, most of my friends live with their SO''s and I''m super happy that they have found what works best for them.

I can''t wait until we finally do move in together, but I can''t wait to do it as his WIFE!

Hey GoingCrazy, my parents don''t like the idea either. But not for religious reasons, just because they think it will prolong the engagement/marriage process, and they''re of the mind that when you find the right person, you marry them! I''ve seen too many cohabitations turn into stalemates.

I know it works great for some people and the more power to them! I''m just not willing to take the risk. I will act like a wifey when I become his wifey.

GoingCrazy & Fuzzers - My parents (er, mom) feel the same way. Although currently i am 0-0 on both sides. one guy i dated for a long time (with talks of marriage), we never lived together (although i was always at his house, but i did have my own place), and we wound up breaking up. I lived with one guy (after 4-5 months of dating) and after 1 month i kicked him out (he was a dbag though) - but i would not have realized that until much later in the relationship how lame he was. Now living with ff(that stands for future fiance, right?) we''ve lived together pretty much the whole time BUT (big but!) we knew eachother for 3 years before hand as friends. plus, like others, one bedrooms here run 1000-1200 a month. barf!

I say its all situational (and possibly geographic). although for my best interest i am not signing on a house until there is a ring on my finger

 

[fuzzers]

Date: 7/21/2008 1:33:47 PM
Author: GoingCrazy29

Date: 7/21/2008 1:24:51 PM
Author: IndyGirl22

Date: 7/21/2008 1:18:24 PM

Author: fuzzers

Date: 7/21/2008 1:14:14 PM

Author: HeadOverHeels4James

AWESOME!!! Indiana is fun as always! haha NOT

Lmao. I''m in IN for the summer. Wheeee it''s so fun isn''t it??

We need to find all the Indiana/near Indiana ladies and have a blingfest when we get our rocks! I''m jealous of all the ladies who have their get togethers and bling photo sessions!

I''m in Broad Ripple!! (and Fuzzy and HOHFJ- my sister is in Clemson, SC!)

BOOO Clemson! They''re my rival school lol

 

[Anna0499]

Date: 7/21/2008 1:43:01 PM
Author: fuzzers

Date: 7/21/2008 1:33:47 PM
Author: GoingCrazy29
I''m in Broad Ripple!! (and Fuzzy and HOHFJ- my sister is in Clemson, SC!)

BOOO Clemson! They''re my rival school lol

I''m in downtown Indy - too bad I won''t have my bling for awhile...not because of any LIWitis, but because I want to contribute to the SMTR board!

 

[loveydovey]

You might as well say we live together. Technically we don''t but he''s here ALL the time. It''s actually weird that it''s like this because I used to tell anyone I knew that i would never live with someone before marriage. however, i think our circumstances are different from anything i''d have ever imagine myself in.

 

[ilovethiswebsite]

My Fiance and I lived together for 1 year before he proposed. Initially, I was very against the idea but he made a point that he would never get engaged unless we had our trial period of living together. In addition, we were both paying 1500$ each in rent each month which was rediculous considering he practically was sleeping at my apartment 5 nights a week... and so... we moved in together. It was an adjustment at first (I had never lived with anyone before) but I love it now!

 

[Bia]

Date: 7/21/2008 2:37:21 PM
Author: ilovethiswebsite
My Fiance and I lived together for 1 year before he proposed. Initially, I was very against the idea but he made a point that he would never get engaged unless we had our trial period of living together. In addition, we were both paying 1500$ each in rent each month which was rediculous considering he practically was sleeping at my apartment 5 nights a week... and so... we moved in together. It was an adjustment at first (I had never lived with anyone before) but I love it now!

My situation was similar. I thought I never wanted to move in before marriage--wanted the move-in to be special. But between living in NY ($$$), spending each night together anyway, and realizing just how much we had to learn about one another, it just made sense. If I had waited until after the wedding to move in, I think we would have been in for quite a bumpy ride, and I am no peach when I am unhappy--ask him, he knows first hand how difficult I was in the beginning.

Looking back, it was the best decision I could have made (for me anyway) and it has prepared us for what is to come, which is priceless in my book.

Having said all of that, I do think this is a very personal decision. Cohabitation before marriage is NOT for every couple, so if you feel that you want to wait until you''re officially married, I say go for it!

 

[dockman3]

Date: 7/21/2008 1:43:01 PM
Author: fuzzers

Date: 7/21/2008 1:33:47 PM

Author: GoingCrazy29

Date: 7/21/2008 1:24:51 PM

Author: IndyGirl22

Date: 7/21/2008 1:18:24 PM


Author: fuzzers

Date: 7/21/2008 1:14:14 PM


Author: HeadOverHeels4James


AWESOME!!! Indiana is fun as always! haha NOT

Lmao. I''m in IN for the summer. Wheeee it''s so fun isn''t it??

We need to find all the Indiana/near Indiana ladies and have a blingfest when we get our rocks! I''m jealous of all the ladies who have their get togethers and bling photo sessions!

I''m in Broad Ripple!! (and Fuzzy and HOHFJ- my sister is in Clemson, SC!)

BOOO Clemson! They''re my rival school lol

Not to crash the LIW party, but I wanted to throw in my two cents on two issues here, me being a GIW (gentleman in waiting).

1) Me and future FI are in South Bend right now so add me to the list of IN PSers.

2) We have been living together for almost 2 years now. It made sense for us financially, and I honestly never thought I''d live with someone before I got married. On one hand, its great to have this experience under our belts before we get married, but on the other hand, it will dampen the newly wed feelings I think. If I had to do it over again, I probably still would have done it this way, but to each his own. (Or her own

)

 

[FrekeChild]

First of all, the divorce rate is NOT 50%. My dad (divorce attorney for 40+ years) estimates it to be around 43% BUT he also says that it's going down because of the Baby Boomers living together instead of marrying because of things like retirement pay, social security and health care benefits. But he also surmises that because there isn't a social stigma about living *in sin* anymore, people are doing the living together thing more often and because of that, they are not getting married, and therefore can't get divorced, which would lead to a lower divorce rate-but also a lower marriage rate-so technically it should still range about the same.

My textbook from a "Sociology of Family, Marriage and Their Alternatives" states that the divorce rate hovers between 35%-45% but I don't recall where they got their data.

HOWEVER, the census bureau does not collect marriage and divorce numbers. Even if they did, this is not something that can be easily measured, because the numbers are so easily manipulated. One way to do it would to be to just take the number of marriages in one year and the numbers of divorces in that same year, and calculate it from there to get one solid number-BUT that isn't a reliable source of information. With divorce, the paperwork and the legal proceedings, it is incredibly easy to misconstrue data-either from incorrect recollection or purposeful mismanagement. Link That site links you away from the Census Bureau and to the National Center for Health Statistics which is a part of the Center for Disease Control. That is NOT who I would want collecting this data.

So basically, it all boils down to that it's something that CANNOT be measured in a simple, easy to understand manner. I wish that everyone would do a little research and stop generalizing and sticking with the media's number that we've heard so flipping often, because it's NOT VALID.

As for cohabitation, I live with my BF, we live in a purple state (NM), my parents are liberal Catholics (divorce attorney and cancer patient), his father is neither conservative or liberal, we do plan to marry and moved in together with the intention to do so. Our living together was at first a decision we came to as a step to marriage, but was rapidly prompted by financial necessity (his medical bills amounted to $100k) but now it is completely personal choice. My mother, the very liberal but also very Catholic woman, who DOES NOT believe in cohabitation, suggested we live together.

It's a personal decision. Period.

ETA: BF is a Sociology Statistician and I've gotten this same lecture from him about 20 times. I should also mention that if he doesn't work as a professor when he graduates, he will go work for the Census (they already offered him a position). I am a psychology major and sociology minor with a concentration in relationships, interpersonal interactions and family studies.

 

[kittybean]

My fiance and I are getting married in less than a year and are moving in together next month. Neither of us has lived with a SO before, so we were a little hesitant to try it. However, between the economic benefit, the practical benefit (we were always at one house or the other together), and the fact that we are engaged, we thought that moving in together made the most sense.

To the OP: you are definitely not the only one out there who doesn't want to live together before marriage! I have several friends--conservatives and liberals--who are making the same decision, and like I said above, I was personally hesitant as well. What made a huge difference for me was getting engaged and knowing that we were definitely getting married next summer--it negated that "stalemate" concern other posters mentioned.

ETA: FrekeChild said: "It's a personal decision. Period." <-- Amen to that. Do what is best for you as a couple and as individuals.

 

[Anna0499]

Freke, please don't feel like this thread was anything like the other thread which got so heated! This was not a thread about the statistics about cohabitation, the OP just wanted to know that she wasn't alone because, and I agree, the majority of PSers SEEM to be in cohabitating relationships. I actually stated that the divorce rate was around 50% and that statistics were just statistics and no divorce rate anyone cites will ever correlate with cohabitation anyway because of all the factors involved. I don't think anyone uses those statistics to make any real, personal decisions in their lives, so no weight was suggested to be given to any cited in this thread. No one on this thread has been bashing either side of the issue and have been really respectful of everyone's decisions, so hopefully everyone feels okay to discuss it.

P.S. My parents are very Catholic too...although they are as opposite of liberal as you can get!

ETA: I shall add dockman to my IN PSer list!

 

[mimzy]

my FI and i won''t live together until we are married. we''ve always said this and it''s not gonna change! (five long months to go!). we made the choice based on what we wanted for our relationship, and nothing else. our families don''t really understand why we aren''t living together (it''s been suggested more than once), but we don''t have to justify it

.

granted, FI stays the nite here 95% of the time and if he wasn''t able to live at home rent free things *might* be different. personally i am happy that i have my own space in my last months as an unmarried person, and i am really enjoying that freedom and alone-ness. it''s given me time and space to reflect and prepare and i wouldn''t trade it for anything!

 

[meresal]

Indy (from pg2): I was just simply wondering if there is any sort of data showing the number of cohabitating couples by region because I think it would be interesting, not because I think it would be scientific or necessarily say anything about the people who live there.

My response (from pg 2): The only place you will find any substantial information regarding this would be from the census bureau. I wouldn''t trust anything else, do to the fact that I know quite a few girls that also live with guys that are not their SO''s, and other survey''s may not have specific questions regarding this information


Freke: We specifically stated that no one here wanted to talk about statistics bc we ALL know that numbers can be flipped and flopped any number of ways to prove any one persons point. I referenced the census bureau, not for divorce rates, but as a means to "possibly" look up information about couples living together that are unmarried... Nothing to do with divorce at all.

 

[meresal]

**Small threadjack** sorry...

Freke: Technically the last statistic I heard, from Glamour magazine (Not Reliable Source and I'm not syaing this is what I beleive), but it was quite promising I thought. It said apprx 34% are divorced or separated by the first 6-10 yrs, and 50% of those that separate will divorce within a year. I'm not sure if those sound anything closer to what your BF has talked about? My FF was a sociology major and it;s neat to hear him talk baout different norms I've never even contemplated before.


ETA: This is a small threadjack because it is no way related to living together before you're married!! Thanks...

 

[somehowcollide]

My fiance and I don't really live together, but I feel like we're getting off on a technicality. We are in an LDR I'm in Texas, he's in Georgia. Fortunately for us, he is self-employed and I work on a contractual basis, thus we get nice, long pockets of time to spend with one another. When I visit Georgia I stay with him for several weeks to a month and go to work with him (he has his own business, so there's a lot of way for me to contribute). We live together and work together (truly, there are occasions when I can honestly say that we haven't been apart for days on end). In a lot of ways, I feel like we have lived together (I have my own wardrobe for when I'm in GA!) but at the same time, we do maintain our own spaces-our own states, even!

On a side note, it's getting harder and harder to be apart (especially after being so TOGETHER, you know?).

ETA: I love all these funny tangents! And all these Indy girls! My first trip without my parents was to visit family in Indiana at age 11, I should get some credit for that, no?

 

[Dreamgirl]

FF and I do not live together. And its not because of some religious stuff or anything like you mentioned fuzzers. Its mainly because after being together for so long, we will have something new and exciting to look forward to once we are married! Id rather not "play house" with someone until we are actually married.

 

[Izzy03]

I do not live with BF (my choice) and it caused arguing between us because he thinks we are wasting money by keeping two residences (which is true, we could save $$, but it is still very important to me). He has gotten over it because he realized I will not budge on the issue. I know that living will together will be a little different after we are married and I am looking forward to that. HOWEVER, I know there is nothing I will learn about him by living with him that is going to change our relationship. If any of our traits were going to clash to the point where we would break up, I would know it by now. Living with him will NOT show me whether or not we are compatible. We spend enought time together to know we are on the same page. I hope that no one is offended by that, but that is how Ifeel about my own relationship.

While I see nothing wrong with couples co-habitating, and in some situations I do think it is ideal for that particular relationship (financial reasons, bridging long-distance relationships,etc. ) I just want something to look forward to after getting married besides just being married. I do not want to live with my BF before we were married, and then come home from our wedding and everything be pretty much the same. I love the excitment of finally being able to piece that last part of our lives together after we say our "I dos".

Again, I think living together is fine and is a personal preference. But I have noticed while the number of unmarried couples living together seems to have increased, divorce rates have NOT decreased.

 

[ash313]

Just to throw my .02 in here...

I''ve lived with SO for 2.5 years, and we love it, not that we didn''t have major bumps! I think everyone has those...

But, we feel the same way about wanting something new to sort of start our married lives together. We are thinking we''ll stay in our tiny apartment for now, but move into a new loft we have been eyeing a few months before the wedding. Much bigger and nicer, so that''s something we are looking forward to!

 

[honey22]

We have lived together for about 11ish years. I was living at home at that point (I had just turned 1 and my Dad ''hired'' BF to do some odd jobs around the house fulltime for about 2 weeks. He just stayed over during this time, and then after about 3 weeks, my Dad turned to him, smiled and said, well I guess this means you are moved in hey? I better get you another set of keys cut. And that was that!

 

[FrekeChild]

*****Thread jack*****

Don't worry guys, I'm not getting into any kind of heated debate---been there done that, in previous threads.

I'm just pointing out that "The Divorce Rate" as presented by the media is not in any way a reliable statistic--but people seem to throw it around as easily as one breathes. THAT is what bothers me. It and any other statistics that the media spouts are almost always unreliable-because they are easily manipulated--and so few people do any research as to how that number was achieved and what studies have been done. Heck-most of those numbers could have come from a sample of 10 immediate peers in Los Angeles-and that is by no means representative of the entire country. You see?

Perhaps I'm just sensitive to this because I've had it banged into my head so many times, but also because I just finished taking a Psych stats class in the Spring, right now I'm taking a Psychology Research Methods class, and in the Fall I'll be taking regular Stats and Sociology Research Methods. So I'm knee deep in explanations of how media surveys are total poo and have no scientific method behind them except perhaps a random telephone survey. So because of what I've learned, I feel as though the only semi-reliable source is someone who not only gives me the percentages, but also the collected data, the demographic data, the time frame and the mathematical formulas used to achieve that magic number.

For instance, yesterday I was reading an article on drunkenness within 21st birthday rituals. They surveyed 3,720 students for 4 years from one midwest college and the participants were 90% non-Hispanic white. 2,518 students remained in the study when it was completed, with 83% of them drinking to celebrate their 21st birthday. However, they were very careful to say that this is indicative of only the college surveyed at that time, and is in no way representative of the United States as a whole. Here's the article if you're interested, it's not long. But they could have changed that easily and said instead, "83% of all 21 year olds get wasted on their 21st birthdays" Which, if you read the article, that's soooooo not true.

So this is why I don't trust statistics-unless they are given to me by BF (like how likely it was for a person who works in a New Mexican convenience store is to get robbed/at gunpoint/injured/killed between '94-2006, etc.) or in an academic article.

Having said all of that (I can be SOOOO freaking long winded!) I think it's unfair when people who choose to not live with their SO always throw that particular statistic out. I think it's happened on every cohabitation thread that I've seen so far.

I just don't think the Divorce rate is something that's really measurable or identifiable in a single two-digit number, because it has too many variables-but somehow that nasty little 50% always gets thrown around casually. And unfortunately I think that there are some people out there (not saying here on PS) that do take that stat into account no matter which side of the fence they are on-and use that in their decision. I think that sucks, because they aren't being properly educated on the subject, but they are still using it.

Now having said ALL of that, I think stats are still interesting because it's indicative of what someone somewhere is out there doing. And meresal those numbers are very interesting. BF doesn't give a rats tooshie about divorce rates or whatever unless it's involved in some kind of crime-he's the one that lectures me all of the time about how to properly evaluate statistics and decide for myself if they are valid. He's a statistician before he's a sociologist/criminologist. However his friend is interested in Soc of Gender stuff and I think she's doing her dissertation on it, so perhaps I'll pick her brain about it, because she'd probably be the person to know. I think it's funny that even Glamour had to use 2 percentages to define the possibility.

*****end of the MASSIVE threadjack****

I feel left out being that I'm not from Indiana. Does it count if my dad is from Nebraska and went to school in South Bend? And he forced me to go to Tennis camp at his college campus for a couple of summers? (I will never go back unless I can't help it-it is SO HOT AND HUMID out there. Yes, it's hot here, but the humidity there is DEADLY!!)

 

[FrekeChild]

Date: 7/21/2008 5:37:42 PM
Author: Izzy03
I do not live with BF (my choice) and it caused arguing between us because he thinks we are wasting money by keeping two residences (which is true, we could save $$, but it is still very important to me). He has gotten over it because he realized I will not budge on the issue. I know that living will together will be a little different after we are married and I am looking forward to that. HOWEVER, I know there is nothing I will learn about him by living with him that is going to change our relationship. If any of our traits were going to clash to the point where we would break up, I would know it by now. Living with him will NOT show me whether or not we are compatible. We spend enought time together to know we are on the same page. I hope that no one is offended by that, but that is how Ifeel about my own relationship.

Again, I think living together is fine and is a personal preference. But I have noticed while the number of unmarried couples living together seems to have increased, divorce rates have NOT decreased.

For the bolded part-do you have some numbers or evidence to support that claim?

As for the part in italics, I don't think you ever know until you do it. I thought that my ex and I were perfectly compatible-and then I found out after we moved in together that he would try and force himself on me when I was sleeping. That hadn't ever happened when I would just stay the night. That was a deal breaker-and I wouldn't have known that until we moved in together. In living together, you get to see a person on almost all levels. If I had lived with my high school BF I would have dumped him the first month-as soon as I got sick of the alcoholism and mental abuse. I don't really care how much time any one couple spends together before they get married and move in-there are ALWAYS things you learn when you move in with them-and they will be things you never would have thought of when you were just dating.

I had made the decision that I would not move in with another guy until I had some ringage on my finger, but when everything happened for FF and I, I knew it wasn't just another "live-in relationship"-this was forever, and so I was ok with moving in with him before I got the ring. And THANK GOODNESS we are compatible living together. Even though I still spent the night with him a lot, I STILL found out that he will have a whole conversation with me in his sleep. He even wakes me up to tell me something (made up or real) in the middle of the night-and has absolutely no recollection of it in the morning. That probably would have freaked me out if I didn't know about it beforehand. But that's just my experience.

 

[Anna0499]

Date: 7/21/2008 6:14:54 PM
Author: FrekeChild
*****Thread jack*****

Don''t worry guys, I''m not getting into any kind of heated debate---been there done that, in previous threads.

I''m just pointing out that ''The Divorce Rate'' as presented by the media is not in any way a reliable statistic--but people seem to throw it around as easily as one breathes. THAT is what bothers me. It and any other statistics that the media spouts are almost always unreliable-because they are easily manipulated--and so few people do any research as to how that number was achieved and what studies have been done. Heck-most of those numbers could have come from a sample of 10 immediate peers in Los Angeles-and that is by no means representative of the entire country. You see?

Perhaps I''m just sensitive to this because I''ve had it banged into my head so many times, but also because I just finished taking a Psych stats class in the Spring, right now I''m taking a Psychology Research Methods class, and in the Fall I''ll be taking regular Stats and Sociology Research Methods. So I''m knee deep in explanations of how media surveys are total poo and have no scientific method behind them except perhaps a random telephone survey. So because of what I''ve learned, I feel as though the only semi-reliable source is someone who not only gives me the percentages, but also the collected data, the demographic data, the time frame and the mathematical formulas used to achieve that magic number.

For instance, yesterday I was reading an article on drunkenness within 21st birthday rituals. They surveyed 3,720 students for 4 years from one midwest college and the participants were 90% non-Hispanic white. 2,518 students remained in the study when it was completed, with 83% of them drinking to celebrate their 21st birthday. However, they were very careful to say that this is indicative of only the college surveyed at that time, and is in no way representative of the United States as a whole. Here''s the article if you''re interested, it''s not long. But they could have changed that easily and said instead, ''83% of all 21 year olds get wasted on their 21st birthdays'' Which, if you read the article, that''s soooooo not true.

So this is why I don''t trust statistics-unless they are given to me by BF (like how likely it was for a person who works in a New Mexican convenience store is to get robbed/at gunpoint/injured/killed between ''94-2006, etc.) or in an academic article.

Having said all of that (I can be SOOOO freaking long winded!) I think it''s unfair when people who choose to not live with their SO always throw that particular statistic out. I think it''s happened on every cohabitation thread that I''ve seen so far.

I just don''t think the Divorce rate is something that''s really measurable or identifiable in a single two-digit number, because it has too many variables-but somehow that nasty little 50% always gets thrown around casually. And unfortunately I think that there are some people out there (not saying here on PS) that do take that stat into account no matter which side of the fence they are on-and use that in their decision. I think that sucks, because they aren''t being properly educated on the subject, but they are still using it.

Now having said ALL of that, I think stats are still interesting because it''s indicative of what someone somewhere is out there doing. And meresal those numbers are very interesting. BF doesn''t give a rats tooshie about divorce rates or whatever unless it''s involved in some kind of crime-he''s the one that lectures me all of the time about how to properly evaluate statistics and decide for myself if they are valid. He''s a statistician before he''s a sociologist/criminologist. However his friend is interested in Soc of Gender stuff and I think she''s doing her dissertation on it, so perhaps I''ll pick her brain about it, because she''d probably be the person to know. I think it''s funny that even Glamour had to use 2 percentages to define the possibility.

*****end of the MASSIVE threadjack****

I feel left out being that I''m not from Indiana. Does it count if my dad is from Nebraska and went to school in South Bend? And he forced me to go to Tennis camp at his college campus for a couple of summers? (I will never go back unless I can''t help it-it is SO HOT AND HUMID out there. Yes, it''s hot here, but the humidity there is DEADLY!!)

I definitely understand what you were trying to say and I know you weren''t trying to start anything! I agree that education is key. The media definitely plays a huge part in the misconceptions and preconceptions about EVERYTHING, I think we all agree on that also. No worries about not being from Indiana - I think we''re definitely a minority group. I''ll include anyone who has ANY ties to Indiana, including you Freke & somehowcollide (love that song!)! It''s where I grew up so I can''t hate on it too much, but I definitely need a vacation from it sometimes - from the heat and HUMIDITY to the flat landscape and the lack of cultural events...the only thing we have going for us is the COLTS! My firm recently became "Proud Sponsors" of the Colts, so it looks like I''ll get to go to some games in the new stadium... It has been a HORRIBLY HUMID summer because we seem to get rainstorms at least once a week - crazy summer! I don''t consider the Indiana talk a threadjack since the OP was in on it also!

 

[Anna0499]

Date: 7/21/2008 6:27:20 PM
Author: FrekeChild

For the bolded part-do you have some numbers or evidence to support that claim?

As for the part in italics, I don''t think you ever know until you do it. I thought that my ex and I were perfectly compatible-and then I found out after we moved in together that he would try and force himself on me when I was sleeping. That hadn''t ever happened when I would just stay the night. That was a deal breaker-and I wouldn''t have known that until we moved in together. In living together, you get to see a person on almost all levels. If I had lived with my high school BF I would have dumped him the first month-as soon as I got sick of the alcoholism and mental abuse. I don''t really care how much time any one couple spends together before they get married and move in-there are ALWAYS things you learn when you move in with them-and they will be things you never would have thought of when you were just dating.

I had made the decision that I would not move in with another guy until I had some ringage on my finger, but when everything happened for FF and I, I knew it wasn''t just another ''live-in relationship''-this was forever, and so I was ok with moving in with him before I got the ring. And THANK GOODNESS we are compatible living together. Even though I still spent the night with him a lot, I STILL found out that he will have a whole conversation with me in his sleep. He even wakes me up to tell me something (made up or real) in the middle of the night-and has absolutely no recollection of it in the morning. That probably would have freaked me out if I didn''t know about it beforehand. But that''s just my experience.

First, that is HORRIBLE about your ex! I would''ve gotten out my gun and probably shot him in the family jewels!

I agree that there are some things you don''t know until you live with someone, but I also think that some couples will make it no matter what they find out, just like some couples will break up no matter what they find out. Even married couples who have lived together for 50 years find our new things everyday, so for me, I hang onto the belief that I am making the right choice and nothing aside from abuse or infidelity will be a dealbreaker once we are married.

As for the bolded part in Izzy''s post, in her defense she didn''t say that the two statistics were related...there is a HUGE difference between saying that A is related to/contributes to/causes B than simply saying A is this way and B is this way. She also just said that she "noticed" it, making it her own personal observation, not part of any study or scientific research. I have noticed more cohabitating couples exist around me and in general...but am not sure about the divorce statistic, none of my friends have been divorced but we are young.

 

[fuzzers]

Date: 7/21/2008 6:14:54 PM
Author: FrekeChild

I feel left out being that I''m not from Indiana. Does it count if my dad is from Nebraska and went to school in South Bend? And he forced me to go to Tennis camp at his college campus for a couple of summers? (I will never go back unless I can''t help it-it is SO HOT AND HUMID out there. Yes, it''s hot here, but the humidity there is DEADLY!!)

Hey FrekeChild... if you think Indiana humidity is bad, try living in South Carolina! *dies*

It''s a swamp!

A lot of posters have brought up a good reason to wait... so they can feel truly like newlyweds. That''s not my #1 reason though. I feel that living together can slow down the progression of a relationship (I read cohabitating couples get married an average of 1.5 years later than non-cohabitating... oh boy let''s not turn this into a statistics debate again, it''s just something that I read, reliable or not

). I was wondering if any of you living with your SOs have run into the dreaded "why buy the milk when you can have the cow" syndrome? I''ve seen it happen to a few friends and I''m just curious, not trying to be disrespectful or anything. I mean I have no qualms about "wifely duties"... cooking, cleaning, etc. I would just really prefer to do these with a formal commitment first.

But again that''s just me. I''m enjoying all the responses.

Again I don''t want to turn this into a nasty debate thread, I just want it to be an open place where we can share experiences and opinions.

 

[fuzzers]

Date: 7/21/2008 6:36:34 PM
Author: IndyGirl22

Date: 7/21/2008 6:27:20 PM
Author: FrekeChild

For the bolded part-do you have some numbers or evidence to support that claim?

As for the part in italics, I don''t think you ever know until you do it. I thought that my ex and I were perfectly compatible-and then I found out after we moved in together that he would try and force himself on me when I was sleeping. That hadn''t ever happened when I would just stay the night. That was a deal breaker-and I wouldn''t have known that until we moved in together. In living together, you get to see a person on almost all levels. If I had lived with my high school BF I would have dumped him the first month-as soon as I got sick of the alcoholism and mental abuse. I don''t really care how much time any one couple spends together before they get married and move in-there are ALWAYS things you learn when you move in with them-and they will be things you never would have thought of when you were just dating.

I had made the decision that I would not move in with another guy until I had some ringage on my finger, but when everything happened for FF and I, I knew it wasn''t just another ''live-in relationship''-this was forever, and so I was ok with moving in with him before I got the ring. And THANK GOODNESS we are compatible living together. Even though I still spent the night with him a lot, I STILL found out that he will have a whole conversation with me in his sleep. He even wakes me up to tell me something (made up or real) in the middle of the night-and has absolutely no recollection of it in the morning. That probably would have freaked me out if I didn''t know about it beforehand. But that''s just my experience.

First, that is HORRIBLE about your ex! I would''ve gotten out my gun and probably shot him in the family jewels!

I agree that there are some things you don''t know until you live with someone, but I also think that some couples will make it no matter what they find out, just like some couples will break up no matter what they find out. Even married couples who have lived together for 50 years find our new things everyday, so for me, I hang onto the belief that I am making the right choice and nothing aside from abuse or infidelity will be a dealbreaker once we are married.

As for the bolded part in Izzy''s post, in her defense she didn''t say that the two statistics were related...there is a HUGE difference between saying that A is related to/contributes to/causes B than simply saying A is this way and B is this way. She also just said that she ''noticed'' it, making it her own personal observation, not part of any study or scientific research. I have noticed more cohabitating couples exist around me and in general...but am not sure about the divorce statistic, none of my friends have been divorced but we are young.

So true. My parents have been married for over 20 years and a year ago out of nowhere Dad decided to join the Catholic church! And my mom''s an ex-Catholic... so it surprised all of us! Mom tells me she learns new things about him everyday.

 

[fuzzers]

Date: 7/21/2008 6:29:35 PM
Author: IndyGirl22

I definitely understand what you were trying to say and I know you weren''t trying to start anything! I agree that education is key. The media definitely plays a huge part in the misconceptions and preconceptions about EVERYTHING, I think we all agree on that also. No worries about not being from Indiana - I think we''re definitely a minority group. I''ll include anyone who has ANY ties to Indiana, including you Freke & somehowcollide (love that song!)! It''s where I grew up so I can''t hate on it too much, but I definitely need a vacation from it sometimes - from the heat and HUMIDITY to the flat landscape and the lack of cultural events...the only thing we have going for us is the COLTS! My firm recently became ''Proud Sponsors'' of the Colts, so it looks like I''ll get to go to some games in the new stadium... It has been a HORRIBLY HUMID summer because we seem to get rainstorms at least once a week - crazy summer! I don''t consider the Indiana talk a threadjack since the OP was in on it also!

Oh feel free to threadjack about the Colts anytime!!!

Lucky you! Got any extra tickets?

My brother''s starting school at IU in Bloomington this fall... and oh my is it pretty down there!! I didn''t think I was Indiana at all! There were... hills! and... trees!!

It''s like an entirely different state.

 

[Izzy03]

Date: 7/21/2008 1:12:29 PM
Author: fuzzers

Date: 7/21/2008 1:11:09 PM

Author: HeadOverHeels4James

What school in SC? FF Went to Coastal Carolina..he is from Lake City

USC in Columbia. It''s great!

GO SPURRIER!! I am a Gator (went to UF) which makes us FRIENDLY SEC rivals, but Gators still love Spurrier!

 

[trillionaire]

SO and I do not live together. We don't even live in the same state. We can't stand be very close together, so it really works well for us.

We have discussed living together, and I established long ago that we could not live together without being engaged. For me personally, I don't believe that you should get the benefits of being married without the requisite commitment. If we lived together, then we are practically married without the title. If that is what he wants, then he needs to take a knee.

FYI, we have been together nearly 5 years.

 

[Anna0499]

Date: 7/21/2008 6:51:36 PM
Author: fuzzers

Oh feel free to threadjack about the Colts anytime!!!

Lucky you! Got any extra tickets?

My brother''s starting school at IU in Bloomington this fall... and oh my is it pretty down there!! I didn''t think I was Indiana at all! There were... hills! and... trees!!

It''s like an entirely different state.

Haha - I''m sure all the tickets will be fought over every game! The partners will probably start a war between all of us! I love the COLTS - at least we have common ground there! The new stadium is about half a mile from my apartment...I''m thinking about renting out my room for the SuperBowl in a couple years!

IU-B...hmm...you''re talking about MY rival now! I''m a Boiler through and through! I didn''t like IUB that much...mostly because there are about twice as many girls as guys and, as a result, girls weren''t as "prized" there (good for your brother though)! At Purdue there seems to be about twice as many guys as girls, so we are much more appreciated at parties, etc. It depends on what he wants to study though - engineering/pharmacy v. business/medicine.