An ex and an apartment (sorry so long)

[JenStone]

I haven''t been around much since I got engaged (

) because I''ve been so swamped with work lately. However, I have two issues I''d like some advice on....

(1) As I opened my inbox this morning, I found an email from my FI''s ex-girlfriend. She said she had heard that we were recently engaged and wanted to congratulate us. She asked me to relay to my FI her apologies for having acted the way she did at the end of their relationship (she also added that she only realizes now how much my FI had been hurt because she had recently been dumped too). She said she still hears about my FI and me because (get this) she hangs out with my FI''s brother''s group of friends sometimes.

There was nothing threatening or mean about her email at all - she congratulated us on our engagement numerous times. However, a couple of things bothered me about her email: the first, why is she asking me to relay her apologies to my FI? SHE was the one who broke his heart (she was his first love) and I was the one who had to pick up all the pieces...it took a long time for him to trust women in general again. Secondly, it bugs me a bit that she''s been hanging out with my FI''s brother''s group of friends...why didn''t he tell us? I''m sure he didn''t want to bring up any bad memories or make me feel uncomfortable, but this just feels....weird.

What would you do in this situation? Should I write her back? Just ignore the email?


(2) My FI and I had been looking to buy a condo for some time now. And we found a gorgeous one that''s within our price range. However, I''m still a bit reluctant...because it''s only 2 blocks from his brother''s condo!

Although his brother has been nothing but nice to me since day one, I don''t like him much because he can be quite a whiny, spoiled brat. My FI is actually quite protective of him, sometimes even bending to his wishes because he''s the older brother and he knows better (and should act more mature).

In addition, my FSIL is a bit of a frenemy. She''s super nice to me but once in a while I''m hit with a biting remark out of nowhere. And it always seems like she''s competing with me, trying to one up us.

My FI thinks the location of the condo is great because it has very quick and easy access to Manhattan (where we both work), and if he lives closer to his brother, they can become closer! Now I''m all for good family relations, but his brother puts a lot of stress on my FI and I''m scared that it will escalate if we live so close.

In addition, my FI says that when his parents visit from Hong Kong, they will be so happy to have both sons living so close to each other so they can walk over back and forth between the two apartments. When I told this to my mother, she warned that living too close may not be good because even if they don''t try, his parents will end up comparing us and our living situations/arrangement. And I tend to agree. The last time they visited was right after my FI''s brother had bought his condo. He had just furnished it with nice furniture, a 50" LCD TV, etc. When his parents came to visit us, they looked at our 32" regular TV and joked, "Wow that looks so small compared to your brother''s." They meant it as a joke, but it still stung.

But the apartment IS nice, and we haven''t been able to find anything comparable in the same price range.

What would you do? Keep looking for other apartments, or make an offer on this one?

 

[iwannaprettyone]

I was wondering about you Jenstone.

That''s a tough one... and in cases like this I usually tend to deny deny deny.

I would avoid opening up that wound during this incredibly happy time for you both and just move on. If you or FI run in to her then (with the beauty of technology) tell her you must have not received or inadvertently deleted it, chances are she wouldn''t bring it up anyway.

As far as the apartment goes, it can be an exhausting and dangerous existence keeping up with the Jones''. Find something that suits you and FI (and your pocketbook).

Whatever happens, best of luck to you.

 

[phoenixgirl]

The email from the ex was definitely weird. It was all about making her feel better, not you or your FI. I probably wouldn't pass along the message. When my best friend got married, an ex (who was married several years himself) sent her a letter via some friends and told us only to give it to her if we thought it was a good idea. We decided it wasn't, and to this day she doesn't know about it. Last we had heard this caused an argument with his wife that may have led to a separation . . . but my friend had moved on and was excited to be getting married and what could this ex's letter have done but derail that?

As for the brother, I understand all of your hesitations, but they don't seem important enough to make your FI reject a place just because it's near his brother. A little immaturity on his part or a little meanness on your FSIL's part or a little comparison on his parents' parts isn't a good reason to try to separate your FI from his brother, IMO. If the place falls through, you can be secretly relieved, but I wouldn't make a big deal out of this. It's unreasonable to expect your FI not to want to be closer to his brother. You choose your friends, but not your family, so if FBIL isn't friend material for you, ok, but try to be pleasant and supportive of FI's desire to be closer to his brother. Then when FBIL or FSIL actually does something offensive, take a stand and explain to your FI why that is unacceptable to you, but don't find another place just to boycott them.

 

[neatfreak]

For the apartment, you need to do what you''re comfortable with and I think you''ve made that quite clear. Keep looking.

As for the email, I would be the bigger person in this situation, ignore most of it, and just write back:

Dear horridexgirlfriend(replace with her name here

),

Thanks for your note. We are incredibly happy together and looking forward to sharing our life together.

Best,
JenStone




That way you are acknowledging her email (which is polite), being the bigger person (because not responding isn''t too nice), and just letting the other stuff slide. Honestly, I don''t think it''s anyone''s responsibility to tell you if she''s hanging out with his BROTHER''s friends whom it sounds like you aren''t close to either. I would just let that stuff slide. You''ve got him girl and a note from the X shouldn''t change anything. And if you''re worried it will, then you''ve got bigger problems!

 

[phoenixgirl]

P.S. I just read the part about the ex''s email again. I agree that you can politely and succinctly respond. "Thanks for the congrats; we are excited!" But the whole part about how she now realizes how much she hurt your FI? That is ridiculous to bring up to the woman who is now marrying him. "I''m sorry I dragged your future husband''s heart through the mud. I hope some day he''ll recover." ??? It''s really egocentric to think that when your ex is getting married, he must still need an apology from you for breaking his heart. This is what I think my friend''s ex was thinking . . . is she getting married because she''s still not over me and I''ve moved on? Get over yourself already!

 

[Madam Bijoux]

I would respond to the ex''s e-mail with something short and sweet like "Thank you for thinking of us. We wish you all the joy that we now have together."

As far as the apartment goes, I would try to find something a little farther away from the brother. Living too close to in-laws can be problematic.

 

[enbcfsobe]

I second Neatfreak -- you already know this condo isn''t what you really want. If you were just renting, it wouldn''t be a big deal -- you could move at the end of your lease if ti was too stressful and could come up with plenty of excuses unrelated to FBIL. But buying is a whole different can of worms, and you really need to keep looking until you find something that fits all of your needs. There is nothing wrong with one of those needs being "must be more than X blocks from FBIL."

As for the ex, that is annoying and self-centered, but not surprising. Definitely acknowledge the congrats. You might even go so far as to say that you''re sorry her relationship didn''t work out, but that each relationship is a learning experience, and you''re sure she''ll find someone great. If you want to get in your own gentle dig at her self-centered apology, maybe say something along the lines of my screen name -- every new beginning comes from some other beginning''s end -- and thank her for setting your FFI free when she did, as it has led to much happiness for you.

 

[decodelighted]

Hmmmm. Toughies.

RE EMAIL FROM FI''s EX: I think I would copy/paste the section about congrats & please pass on my apology & forward just that part of the email to him. DO NOT forward her email address, the info that she "recently broke up" or that she has been hanging out with his brother''s friends. Agree that it''s all about her & seems odd/needy/possibly self-serving to try to rekindle his feelings toward HER (his first love). YET, you don''t want to be in the situation where he gets asked from SOMEONE ELSE if YOU passed on the message from XXXX. That could backfire on YOU & make YOU look insecure & threatened & sneaky etc etc. Even if that''s TOTALLY not the case. That''s why I say pass on the relevant parts (the polite congrats, the sorry) WITHOUT the dramatic parts (just broke up, hang out w/your crowd).

RE CONDO NEAR BROTHER: No. You don''t want to. You just don''t. Your home doesn''t have to be a place you can site LOGICAL reasons for wanting/not wanting. It can just not "feel" right. And it doesn''t. If you explain that this "feeling" is strong -- hopefully your FI will understand & respect it, despite "logic".

 

[enbcfsobe]

I''m not sure I would use email to convey the ex''s regrets, if you do so at all. I think this is a case where it would be better for you and your relationship to take control of the communication, and tell FFI that you got an email of congratulations from his ex, and that she expressed regret over how she treated him. If he asks how she knew or why the sudden revelation, I would answer honestly. You should also let him know how you responded, and express any concerns you have to him. I personally think fowarding it along via email, even edited, doesn''t give you the kind of personal interaction with FFI that you should have with regard to something that clearly bothered you.

 

[zdrastvootya]

Date: 7/11/2007 9:52:25 AM
Author: neatfreak
For the apartment, you need to do what you''re comfortable with and I think you''ve made that quite clear. Keep looking.

As for the email, I would be the bigger person in this situation, ignore most of it, and just write back:

Dear horridexgirlfriend(replace with her name here

),

Thanks for your note. We are incredibly happy together and looking forward to sharing our life together.

Best,
JenStone




That way you are acknowledging her email (which is polite), being the bigger person (because not responding isn''t too nice), and just letting the other stuff slide. Honestly, I don''t think it''s anyone''s responsibility to tell you if she''s hanging out with his BROTHER''s friends whom it sounds like you aren''t close to either. I would just let that stuff slide. You''ve got him girl and a note from the X shouldn''t change anything. And if you''re worried it will, then you''ve got bigger problems!

I think the reply to XGF is brilliant! Just say thanks(!) and ignore the rest. (I just got my heart broken, so I now know what it feels like blah blah blah. zzzzzzz. ) This reminds me of a weird situation in my life. May have to start my own thread. Agree with the brother''s friends comment, as well.

I''m of a couple of minds about the condo. I''m thinking that just because you live fairly close, doesn''t mean you''ll be visiting all the time. We get caught up in our own lives and 2 blocks might as well be 2 miles. On the other hand, if you really needed help with something at least you know SOMEONE who is close. Not sure how reliable they would be in such a situation, and keep in mind they may start relying on you. Sounds like you need to talk to your partner about these issues. If the condo were super-ideal, you would probably say get it even if zoo animals were living nearby. Maybe you should keep looking?

Z.

 

[surfgirl]

I was going to say ignore her email and do not get the apt near the bro because then you''ll run into her. Ergo, not a good idea. But, the thing that bothers me most is that she''s hanging around with your FI''s bro at all! And the bro isn''t telling his bro and the FSIL is a frenemy who could add fuel to the fire as well. I think you should tell your FI about the email and here''s why. I think it''s really inappropriate that his bro is perpetuating a friendship with a woman who broke his brother''s heart. That''s weird. I think if you reply to this woman without telling your man, he''ll eventually find out and YOU will look like the shrew, which you''re not! But it will probably be spun as Jen was jealous and she never told him about the email. OTOH, if you tell him that you got that email and that you cannot imagine WHY she''d email you and that you fell very hurt that his own brother is still hanging around with her, your FI has the opportunity to respond in a mature and supportive way. Maybe he''ll say "Jenn, I love the pancake on your head heaps more than the little lame flapjack she used to wear on her head! Your pancake is the only pancake I want, forever!" You get the idea...If you do NOT tell your FI about this, I fear this will boil inside you and you will not be able to talk to the bro because that would reveal that you knew this chick contacted you and you didn''t tell your FI. I think the best policy is to make it clear to ALL concerned that you and your FI are a strong team and nothing is being hidden from each other. I know it''s easier said than done though.

And the parents visiting thing? Not a good enough reason to live within walking distance of his bro. You presumably want a life for you two, not his entire family stopping by any time they want because they''re around the corner, yes? Keep looking! Find your own place. The NYC/NJ Tri state area has great public transportation so you''re never more than a short ride from the bro!

 

[luckystar112]

Date: 7/11/2007 9:57:21 AM
Author: phoenixgirl
It's really egocentric to think that when your ex is getting married, he must still need an apology from you for breaking his heart. This is what I think my friend's ex was thinking . . . is she getting married because she's still not over me and I've moved on? Get over yourself already!

Totally agree with this!

And I like what neatfreak suggested as a response, if you decide to respond.

lol even though part of me would want to reply with, "Don't be down in the dumps, if it wasn't for you we wouldn't have found eachother! You did us both a favor!!"

 

[poptart]

I agree with surfgirl about talking with your FI about the email. I don''t think you need to make a huge deal out of it, but he should know that his brother hangs out with her still. Seems kinda weird to me.

As for moving into an apartment close to FI''s brother, I think it''s a bad idea. You sound like you think it''s a bad idea. And try imagining living in a place (and being tied down with a mortgage), with a location that you initially weren''t too fond of. I do, however, think you should tell your FI why the location makes you nervous. But from my experience, a little space from in-laws is NEVER a bad thing!

*M*

 

[snlee]

Date: 7/11/2007 9:52:25 AM
Author: neatfreak
For the apartment, you need to do what you''re comfortable with and I think you''ve made that quite clear. Keep looking.

As for the email, I would be the bigger person in this situation, ignore most of it, and just write back:

Dear horridexgirlfriend(replace with her name here

),

Thanks for your note. We are incredibly happy together and looking forward to sharing our life together.

Best,
JenStone

That way you are acknowledging her email (which is polite), being the bigger person (because not responding isn''t too nice), and just letting the other stuff slide. Honestly, I don''t think it''s anyone''s responsibility to tell you if she''s hanging out with his BROTHER''s friends whom it sounds like you aren''t close to either. I would just let that stuff slide. You''ve got him girl and a note from the X shouldn''t change anything. And if you''re worried it will, then you''ve got bigger problems!

Ditto! I completely agree with neatfreak.

 

[ephemery1]

Hmmm... I am the queen of skillfully passive-aggressive emails (it''s a horrible thing to be queen of, really)... especially when directed to evil ex''s (although they usually ended up unsent, they always made me feel better!).

She wrote you to remind you (and herself) that she once had the power to have him if she wanted, but chose to dump him... under the pretense of being a good, sweet person looking to make amends. Since she is pretending to be 100% sorry and congratulatory, you can respond by pretending to be 100% forgiving and thankful. Something like:

Dear ___,

I know it can feel awful to look back on a relationship and wish it had ended differently, so I''m really glad you decided to write me. But please don''t worry... everyone has some hurt feelings when a relationship ends, especially when they are young and still learning what they''re looking for in a relationship... I think it''s just a part of growing up. So really not a big deal at all! But thanks so much for your congratulations... we couldn''t be happier. I hope everything is going well for you!

Take care,
JenStone

Basically conveying:
1) That her apology is unecessary
2) That their relationship was insignificant
3) That you and FI are happy in your grown-up relationship
4) That you feel sorry for her for NOT being as happy as you are

 

[marvel]

I wouldn''t reply to the e-mail, or rely the message. It''s time for her to move on. Sounds to me like she''s hanging onto the past.

 

[marvel]

Date: 7/11/2007 2:13:06 PM
Author: ephemery1
Hmmm... I am the queen of skillfully passive-aggressive emails (it's a horrible thing to be queen of, really)... especially when directed to evil ex's (although they usually ended up unsent, they always made me feel better!).

She wrote you to remind you (and herself) that she once had the power to have him if she wanted, but chose to dump him... under the pretense of being a good, sweet person looking to make amends. Since she is pretending to be 100% sorry and congratulatory, you can respond by pretending to be 100% forgiving and thankful. Something like:

Dear ___,

I know it can feel awful to look back on a relationship and wish it had ended differently, so I'm really glad you decided to write me. But please don't worry... everyone has some hurt feelings when a relationship ends, especially when they are young and still learning what they're looking for in a relationship... I think it's just a part of growing up. So really not a big deal at all! But thanks so much for your congratulations... we couldn't be happier. I hope everything is going well for you!

Take care,
JenStone

Basically conveying:
1) That her apology is unecessary
2) That their relationship was insignificant
3) That you and FI are happy in your grown-up relationship
4) That you feel sorry for her for NOT being as happy as you are

Very impressive

...you're smart!!

ETA: If i ever need help in replying to a difficult e-mail, you are HIRED!

 

[marvel]

Date: 7/11/2007 12:54:04 PM
Author: surfgirl
''Jenn, I love the pancake on your head heaps more than the little lame flapjack she used to wear on her head! Your pancake is the only pancake I want, forever!''

Too cute!!

 

[Mara]

i wouldn't even respond most likely. i always think about what i'd do in the situation for a few days and mull it over and then in the end i have to really ask myself what i would be doing by responding. making myself feel better? making the other person feel better? really just opening a can of worms? what is the real point.

if there IS no real point in the end then i wouldn't just respond. to me that says more than any type of response really. and also i really hate getting into 'back and forth' kind of email exchanges which can easily spiral into other types of things.

 

[princesss]

Date: 7/11/2007 2:13:06 PM
Author: ephemery1
Hmmm... I am the queen of skillfully passive-aggressive emails (it''s a horrible thing to be queen of, really)... especially when directed to evil ex''s (although they usually ended up unsent, they always made me feel better!).


She wrote you to remind you (and herself) that she once had the power to have him if she wanted, but chose to dump him... under the pretense of being a good, sweet person looking to make amends. Since she is pretending to be 100% sorry and congratulatory, you can respond by pretending to be 100% forgiving and thankful. Something like:


Dear ___,


I know it can feel awful to look back on a relationship and wish it had ended differently, so I''m really glad you decided to write me. But please don''t worry... everyone has some hurt feelings when a relationship ends, especially when they are young and still learning what they''re looking for in a relationship... I think it''s just a part of growing up. So really not a big deal at all! But thanks so much for your congratulations... we couldn''t be happier. I hope everything is going well for you!


Take care,

JenStone


Basically conveying:

1) That her apology is unecessary

2) That their relationship was insignificant

3) That you and FI are happy in your grown-up relationship

4) That you feel sorry for her for NOT being as happy as you are

So true! Ephemery, that was a fantasticly passive-agressive e-mail.

This girl basically wrote to say "It could have been me, remember that, and I''m still in with the family." As much as I would fantasize about sending that, I''d stick with a "Thanks for your congratulations, we''re so blessed/happy/thrilled to have found each other and be starting life together." I *would* mention it in passing to FI, just as a "how weird" kind of thing.

As for the apartment, I wouldn''t do it. You clearly don''t want to do it. It''s not worth living someplace that you''re uncomfortable in just because it would make FI happy. This is your apartment as a couple, and you BOTH should be thrilled with it.

 

[Erin]

Dear ___,

I know it can feel awful to look back on a relationship and wish it had ended differently, so I''m really glad you decided to write me. But please don''t worry... everyone has some hurt feelings when a relationship ends, especially when they are young and still learning what they''re looking for in a relationship... I think it''s just a part of growing up. So really not a big deal at all! But thanks so much for your congratulations... we couldn''t be happier. I hope everything is going well for you!

Take care,
JenStone

I probably wouln''t respond, maybe, probably not.
BUT
If I decided to, I wouldn''t send anything but THAT.
It''s perfect on all levels of criticism.
Brilliant work E!

 

[Joolskie]

If it were me, I wouldn''t even bother responding to the ex''s email. And if anything ever came up regarding it, I would respond "what email?"

If you really feel like you have to respond, a simple "Thanks!" would do the trick. There is really no reason for you to be in contact with this person. And, I would totally tell your FI. Just tell him that you received an email from his ex and that you chose not to respond or responded with a simple thank you. She contacted you, not him. You are free to respond in the manner you feel is right.

Regarding the condo... you guys have to live where YOU want to live. As grown-ups who are getting married, you should have your own life. Convenience for your in-laws should not factor in to your home buying. Surfgirl is right. I grew up in an NYC suburb. There are so many ways to get into, and around, the city. Visiting with family members will not be a problem if you live more than two blocks away.

 

[cutes814]

do you know know the ex? or just know of her?

if you just know of her, then it is really weird that she''s even sending you an email to begin with. if i received an email like that from my hubby''s ex, i wouldn''t respond to the email at all, but i would definitely tell my hubby about it. i would just be honest and tell him everything that was in the email. but if you know know her, then it''s different. in that situation i would respond and just say "thanks! this is an extremely exciting time for the both of us!" end of story. do not get sucked into her fake apology.

to me it sounds like the ex heard about your engagement and is now jealous that your FI no longer is lusting after her, so she wanted to disguise the email by saying ''congrats!'' but actually wants to spike up the old feelings (if there are any) of your FI''s and ruin the happy time you guys are having. sad, but true. i can''t think of any reason why she would send such an email.


as for the house, if it really bugs you that much you should definitely let your FI know. in a gentle way of course. tell him you want to start your lives together with just you guys, not you guys and the inlaws. he should understand. personally i don''t mind living close to my in laws. i''ve been living with them for the past 5 years. just now did we finally buy our own house and are planning to move out in a few months. but i know everyone''s in law are different.

and regarding the parents comparing them, girl, they''re gonna compare them even if they lived in different states! parents are always like that, so don''t take any of that personally. my mom compares me to my siblings every time i see her. my siblings are sick of it, i''m sick of it, but whatcha gonna do? she''s our mom, so we just let it go one ear and out the other.

anyhoo, good luck with finding a home that is perfect for the both of you!

 

[Skippy123]

I wouldn''t respond, I know that is the hard decision to make but you will be the bigger person for doing so. I am sorry she had to send that dumb email.

As for the Condo, sounds like you found one you like. Make an offer. Maybe you could talk to him about his brother or seek counseling; his brother is never going to go away.
Best wishes Jenstone

 

[thumbelina]

I gotta say... I agree with Skippy.

The only thing you can control in any of these situations is your reaction to them.

I wouldn''t reply to the email, or even pass it on. What for? If it comes up again, you can give the real reason for not doing anything... you didn''t think it was important enough to address. If you let it die, it ends. If you facilitate it, it could possibly grow into something else. You''ve probably already wasted too much energy thinking about it... not worth it, IMHO.

As for condo... correct me if I''m wrong, but if I''m reading your initial email right... you like pretty much everything about the condo except that it''s too close to the FBIL. If that is, indeed, the case, I would probably want to put an offer on the place, but discuss my apprehensions with FI beforehand. Partner with you FI to come up with solutions... it''ll be a good start to a life of collaborative bliss!

As for FPIL comparing you guys to other siblings... that''s going to happen regardless of your proximity. Being 2 states away as opposed to 2 blocks away isn''t going to change that. Try not to waste your time fretting about things that you can''t control.

Good luck with this all, Jen... you''ll do perfect!

 

[yellowsparkles]

I wouldn''t respond to the email. By you responding it is like saying it is OK for her to send another note or even contact your BF directly. IMO it is just allowing an opening for her and she may continue to try to contact you both - or find a way through his brothers/ friends.

 

[Hest88]

Normally I''d say ignore the email, but since she''s friends with your future BIL if you ignore her message it''s bound to get back to your FI someday that you weren''t gracious or, worse yet, found her threatening. I like some of the one/two liners other posters have written and think one of those replies would be great.

As for the apt...so, if she''s friends with your future BIL what are the odds of you running into her more often when you live closer to him?

 

[kcoursolle]

I would respond, but I would keep it short. I would say something like, "thanks for the congratulations. Hope all is well, jenstone"

I probably would tell fi b/c I am very honest with fi about stuff. I don''t like secrets and I would trust him with information about any of his exes. If he ever found out that she wrote and you didn''t tell him, it could be a source of argument.

 

[TravelingGal]

If something happened like that to me, I would probably tell TGuy because I find it impossible to keep "secrets" from him.

But if it were up to me, I wouldn''t bother writing back. What you intend to convey may be received in a totally different way altogether. No response would be the least satisfying for her, IMHO (and the best "revenge", if you''re into that kind of stuff. Hehehehe.)

 

[thumbelina]

On second thought... I too would mention it to FI... only. I still wouldn''t reply to the ex, though.

Also, since it looks like the ex hangs out with fbil''s circle of friends (sometimes) and not with fbil himself... it''s quite possible that fbil isn''t even aware of it. Stressing about it might create drama where there isn''t any?